co-parenting after divorce - Page 4

Touted as the smart new way to divorce by the media, ‘bird’s nest custody’ is becoming more common in the UK as rising numbers of British courts recommend shared parenting instead of sole custody for one of them.

Bird’s nest custody sees children stay in the family home, while their parents move in and out on an agreed schedule to look after them.

As well as the intended benefit of reducing stress and change for the youngsters, it can also be a cheaper solution for parents who might struggle to maintain their pre-divorce lifestyle.

Here, children would remain in the family home with one parent, while the other would live in a smaller flat, removing the need to provide two bedrooms for each child – complete with toys, fixtures and furniture at each place.

Parents can either swap between homes or stay with family and friends when their ex moves in.

To date, UK courts have not forced bird’s nesting onto anyone; however couples are coming across the solution via mediation, before reaching court.

With many divorcees reporting that it has also brought them closer together as they collaborate on the common goal of securing their children’s best interests, it is likely to increase in popularity.

On the surface, then, this is a promising route to a civilised family life after divorce.

However, it must be borne in mind that no two couples and no two divorces are the same, so there are no one-size-fits-all options. Below are some factors to consider if you’re wondering whether birds’ nest custody is right for your family:

• The ages of the children. Some may be of an age where they can accommodate this arrangement, but older children may rebel, or feel unsettled by the situation.

• How you will communicate what’s happening to your offspring. While the arrangement might give children a sense of security, it could also be quite confusing for them and raise false hope that their parents might get back together. Explaining it very carefully – particularly to younger children – is vital.

•  Co-operation from your ex. The levels of trust and support needed to make birds’ nest custody work are quite rare among ex-partners, as inconvenient ‘real world’ practicalities will inevitably effect the arrangement. For example, one or both of you could meet someone else. There is also the issue of cooking and shopping for your ex, when you must declare that you have lived separately and apart before decree absolute can be granted.

We recommend that boundaries and rules are drawn up, written down – and signed up to before you embark on this arrangement.

Difficulties and obstacles are not insurmountable, but parents would need to compromise and plan and communicate effectively – just as in other child custody matters.

 Kate, is the Head of the Children Department at Jones Myers.   She is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes.

Kate specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

Clients find her sensitive, caring and approachable and she engenders these principles in all of her team.

Raising children together within the realms of a marriage or relationship can be tough to say the least.

Each parent’s own personal upbringing will have formed their own set of beliefs and enabled them to decide how they wish to raise their family. Coming together with another person, who is likely to hold many different beliefs, can be taxing.

As the couple’s children grow up, there will be discussions about many things, including the best method of discipline, views on education, and even how much financial support to give. However, by effectively communicating, parents are often able to reach a compromise.

Upon divorce, spouses with children are encouraged to continue to co-parent. This means that, despite having separated, they should continue to discuss anything going on in their children’s lives and make parental decisions together. For some, this task may be a simple one – after all, having been married, the parties are likely to have an understanding of how they initially agreed to raise their children and therefore this can continue harmoniously without their personal disagreements getting in the way. For others, however, things may not be so simple.

There are various reasons why co-parenting may be difficult after divorce. Often, parents find it hard to set aside the hurt and anger they feel towards each other in order to focus on their children.

Suggestions can be seen as personal attacks and questions can be perceived as a lack of trust in the other’s parental abilities. Alternatively, spouses may be divorcing due to lifestyle differences, having realised they are not compatible. When children are involved in the latter situation, it can create a serious challenge to co-parenting, as spouses may feel very differently about how they wish to raise their children.

Parental disputes involving religion – case examples

An example of such a dispute can be found in the case of Re J (child’s religious upbringing and circumcision)[1]. The non-practicing Christian mother and the non-practising Muslim father in this case had divorced when their child was two and a half, after which the child was brought up by his mother in a secular household and his only contact with Islam was through his father.

When the child was five, the father applied for a specific issue order for the child to be circumcised, claiming that the mother had agreed to the procedure when she had been pregnant.

The court held that the child should not have the circumcision. Their decision was based on the fact that his upbringing was secular, the circumcision was an irreversible surgery with no medical basis, the mother opposed it and it was not in the child’s best interests.

The father appealed, but this was dismissed.

Another example of a post-divorce parental dispute can be seen in Re G[2].

Here, the ex-spouses were both Jewish, having been part of an ultra-orthodox community when they were married. Along with an application for a residence order, the mother made an application for a specific issue order, seeking permission to enrol the children in a new, less religious co-educational school.

The father opposed the application as he wanted them to remain in the single sex ultra-orthodox school they had been attending until the matter came before the court.

The court had to decide whether the mother’s argument that the children would receive a better education in the latter school should take precedence over the father’s desire to prioritise the religious environment that was available in their current school.

Lord Justice Munby explained the court’s decision to rule in favour of the mother, stating: “Our objective must be to maximise the child’s opportunities in every sphere of life as they enter adulthood.”

Whilst the court gave serious consideration to the children’s religious needs, they felt that a balance between education and religious philosophy could be achieved in the less religious environment, which would equip them to decide what type of life they wanted to lead when they were older.

The religious school was viewed as limiting, as it was more likely to restrict their educational options in the future.

I’m involved in a dispute with my ex-spouse – what should I do next?

The above cases are examples of rather significant disagreements between ex-spouses. Whilst such large disputes may not arise in every co-parenting scenario post-divorce, there will almost always be times when small disagreements arise.

It is extremely helpful to communicate with your ex-spouse when your opinions conflict.

You should try not to let any animosity that exists between you affect these conversations; instead, you should remember that your children are the most important thing to you both and everything else should be left at the side-line. When conversations are unsuccessful, or when issues are significant, it may be useful to introduce a mutual friend to mediate; or, when this is not possible, to hire a professional mediator or lawyer, who will try and guide you to reach a compromise.

Unfortunately, sometimes court will seem like the only way to resolve parental disputes, and a prohibited steps order or specific issue order application must be sought to make or to prevent the other parent from doing something. The court will always prioritise the welfare of the child and their best interests.

[1] [2000] 1 Fam (CA) 307

[2] [2012] EWCA Civ 1233

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

Around 500 British children were abducted and taken abroad by one of their parents in 2014. That’s double the number taken ten years ago.

Ease of travel and a growth in cross border relationships have meant that that more break-ups result in difficult decisions for separating parents.

According to Leicester based charity reunite International the number of children removed abroad against the wishes of one of their parents is far higher than the official statistics show. Last year reunite’s helpline managed in excess of 17 000 calls.

Under the 1980 Hague Convention children must be promptly returned to their country of ‘habitual residence’. Courts will not look into the rights and wrongs of a custody case, but will order the return of the child to their home country for hearings to be held there.

The unfortunate effect of this is that children who have been removed from their home country and then returned there under the 1980 Hague Convention, may then face further upheaval when their case is decided in the UK courts.

An additional problem for UK parents is that many countries where their children are taken have not signed up to the Hague Convention. So parents whose children are taken to Pakistan, India, Somalia, Nigeria or Egypt face the prospect of legal proceedings in those countries domestic courts.

In cases like this it seems extraordinary that mediation between two parents might be possible, and might deliver an agreement.  The degree of acrimony and emotion is so high, there are complicating factors of cultural difference, two legal systems and possibly two languages. Despite these complexities mediation in these cases does happen and can work.

In 2002 reunite began a pilot project to see whether mediation could be possible in international child abduction cases.

They took 80 referrals, hoping that at least 20 of these would proceed to Mediation. In fact 28 of the cases went to full Mediation. In 75% of those cases an agreement was reached. And 95% of the parents involved said they would recommend mediation to others.

reunite now employs the services of around 6 specially trained mediators, who mediate around 30 cases per year.

As well as mediating in child abduction cases they mediate with parents wishing to relocate and those wishing to arrange contact across borders. Sometimes cases come to them many years after a child has been taken abroad.

The structure of these sessions is different from a domestic family mediation. It is much more intense. Three 3-hour meetings take place over two days.

One session happens on the first afternoon, then the following day the parties concerned hold another two 3-hour sessions.

Ideally the two parents are in the same room, but because of the nature of the dispute that is not always possible, so other means such as Skype or video conferencing are employed.

As anyone who has used Skype to communicate will know, it is not always easy however, a 3 way Skype is something that reunite are now trialing.

During the mediation sessions, solicitors from the respective countries are available on the phone for consultation. The desired end result is a memorandum of Understanding agreed between the two parents which can then be transferred into a Consent Order which is mirrored in the courts of both countries.

reunite International estimates that around 70% of abductors are the child’s primary carers, usually their mothers.

Most child abduction cases never make it as far as mediation. In fact perhaps only 5 % of these cases do reach mediation. But in those that do the central issue for the left behind parent is not always the wish for a permanent return, but for contact or visitation rights.

One of the worst possible outcomes in these cases would be for a return under the Hague convention, followed by a further re-return later after disputed custody proceedings with all the attendant stress and further damage to the relationship between the parties.

That a young child might face the trauma of three forced relocations is very distressing. This is why mediation can be a very useful alternative.

It is important that any attempt at mediating in these cases doesn’t delay legal proceedings.

Under the Hague Convention a final hearing should be held within 6 weeks. reunite say that if court proceedings are being held in the UK they often schedule the mediation to happen just before the court process to save travel costs for the parent.

Costs for mediation in these cases are £1,500 for up to three 3-hour mediation sessions – £750 to be paid by each parent.

However Legal Aid for mediation is automatically available for parents making an application under the Hague Convention when the child has been brought to the UK. If the child has been taken from the UK, costs depend on the legal system of the country to which the child has been taken.

In the words of one parent who has been through mediation ‘It avoids a courtroom battle, which in this type of situation only gets you to a no win situation.’

Frances Place is a solicitor with extensive experience of family law and civil mediation. She runs Progressive Mediation in Bristol with her husband Charles Place.

http://www.progressive-mediation.co.uk

Click to Follow Frances Place on Facebook and on Linkedin 

Reunite International is a Leicester based charity specialising in the movement of children across international borders : www.reunite.org

It may be tempting to keep your children away from your ex when you are angry with her, or he is behind with child support.

Are your thwarting time with the other parent for the children’s sake, or for yours?

Be clear on the motivation behind your actions. A parent may think that they have good reasons to stop visitation, however youngsters need both parents in their lives.

One may be angry at what a jerk a former partner is, however they still have the right to maintain a parent-child relationship. There are even programs to help inmates maintain a positive relationship with their kids while they are incarcerated.

Kids are shrewd and will get it at some point that one parent is hampering contact with the absent one.

One young woman completely cut off ties with her father after realizing the wall he built between her and her mum was due to his lies and manipulations. A child did not feel close to her mother because of her frequent putdowns of her father and bursts of anger.

Interfering with a child’s relationship with the other parent can come back and bite you on the bum. Instead, model generosity in sharing them with their other parent and being flexible if plans need to be tweaked for special occasions.

Various studies have shown that kids who have both parents in their lives do better on cognitive tests and have less behavioural issues. The US Department of Health said children who have contact with both parents have stronger academic skills and more emotional control.

A Swedish study found that stress caused headaches, stomach aches and insomnia in kids. In two parent homes when children had close contact with both mum and dad, these health issues were reduced.

I have also seen kids with these aches in my school nurse’s office when co-parenting was confrontational or the other parent was not in the picture.

There are legal consequences to be faced when obstructing court mandated shared care. The other parent can haul you before a judge in contempt of court for violating the parenting plan and divorce decree.

A court order (amount of shared care) is a binding legal decree and not a suggestion.

A parent may lose custody or have a decrease in shared care time by hindering visitation.

Parental alienation is when one parent is trash talking the other one and persuading the child to turn against the absent parent. Slander is a serious charge and is when a person makes false allegations against someone else. This can end up as a law suit.

If there are legitimate concerns of abuse, neglect, or child endangerment, follow an appropriate course of action and not take the law into your own hands.

In an urgent situation, call the police. Otherwise, share concerns with the Cafcass officer, your solicitor/mediator, or domestic violence shelter. Document any perceived abuse. Inquire about setting up supervised visitation or having it at a Children’s Contact Centre. These are ways to keep your child safe, ease your anxiety, and foster a relationship with the co-parent.

People that make the news are not the parents that follow the directive of shared care, but the ones who do a runner with a kid or throw a spanner into the works of visitation.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.