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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce
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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce

Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

I’m not a psychologist or therapist, so I won’t give you professional advice on how to strengthen family bonds after divorce. But what I can offer is my own experience, as a child whose parents didn’t manage to keep those bonds alive. And I can tell you from the heart: it matters more than you think.

My parents didn’t just stop speaking, they only spoke to fight. Not to communicate, not to listen, and definitely not to put their children’s needs first. It was their own egos, pain, and frustration that took over. And as a result, my relationship with my dad, and with his side of the family, especially my grandparents, deteriorated more with each passing year.

At the beginning (i.e., the first month), it seemed like things would be okay. But very quickly, everything fell apart.

My mum began telling us the divorce was my dad’s fault. She said his parents never supported her. Then my dad started saying he didn’t have enough money to support us and moved in with the girlfriend he had left my mother for. His parents pushed to stay in our lives, while my mum’s family was firmly against them.

The myth of the “good girl” I had grown up with — the girl who pleased everyone — was now completely confused. What did I have to do to keep that title, when my world no longer made sense?

How do you think a 13, 14, or 15-year-old girl is supposed to handle a situation like that? Or my little sister, who was only 6, 7, or 8 at the time?

It was a real nightmare. And it left wounds I carried for years, wounds that shaped the way I saw love, trust, and family.

That’s why I’m sharing this. To show just how important it is to protect the family bonds after divorce. Because for children, it’s almost impossible to truly hate one of their parents — unless they’ve been exposed to violence or abuse. Children need both parents. And deep down, they know they are half Mum and half Dad. Forcing them to hate one parent is like asking them to reject part of themselves.

As a woman, I can now understand how hard it must have been for my mum — the betrayal, the financial pressure, the loss of trust. My dad constantly complained that he couldn’t afford to support us. But here’s the truth: when you give money to your ex, you’re not supporting them, you’re supporting your children. It’s a way to show up for your kids.

Communication between my parents was almost nonexistent. It felt like they were speaking two entirely different languages. And what I remember most as a child was the confusion, the frustration, the fear of abandonment, and the trauma of living in a family that could no longer function.

Kids need both parents in their lives. So whatever you do, you have to find a way to communicate, even if it’s only about the basics.

Think of it like starting a job you hate, working under a boss you dislike. But quitting isn’t an option because you need the income. Would you find a way to communicate? Probably, yes. So why not do the same for the most important part of your life, your children?

And please, don’t badmouth the other parent in front of your children. These comments may make you feel good for two seconds, like a small emotional win, but they leave deep, invisible scars on your child. Scars they may carry silently for years, even a lifetime.

You need to work on creating a sense of coexistence, enough to attend school events, graduations, and birthday parties together without conflict and without your children fearing that if they invite both parents, there will be a fight or it will feel awkward. One way to get there is by working on yourself, ideally with the support of a therapist or coach.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Avoid running from difficult conversations. Avoid trying to “save money” by withholding support, because in doing that, you’re not hurting your ex. You’re hurting your child.

Learn to accept yourself, and the other parent, with all the mistakes included.

Is it easy? Oh my God, no — it’s not easy at all.

But kids don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with a broken family when the adults can’t even speak. You do. You are the adult in the room. And if you don’t step up, the message your children receive is that love fails, marriage is doomed, and if it doesn’t work out, they are somehow less worthy.

That’s a burden they will carry into their own relationships — unless you break the cycle.

I’ve seen families thrive after divorce — truly thrive. And what they had in common was that each parent worked through their emotions separately, rather than using the children as weapons or messengers.

I know some ex-partners can make things extremely difficult. It takes two to rebuild parallel lives with respect and boundaries. But in the end, every hard conversation you have, every ounce of restraint you show, is something you do not just for your kids, but for yourself.

Because the greatest gift you can give your children post-divorce isn’t a perfect life, it’s a peaceful one. And the chance to grow into an adult who isn’t burdened by unresolved divorce trauma.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

Navigating Family Law: What Parents Need to Know When Autism is a Factor
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Navigating Family Law: What Parents Need to Know When Autism is a Factor

Sarah Whitelegge
Sarah Whitelegge
Senior Associate
Myerson Solicitors

Separation and child arrangements can be highly emotional and stressful, with no one-size-fits-all solution. For families affected by autism, these challenges can be even more complex. It is crucial to ensure that the legal process prioritises the well-being of both children and parents, and understanding how to navigate family law in an autism-friendly way can make all the difference.

Making Legal Processes Autism-Friendly

Every family’s experience of separation is unique, but for families with an autistic child or parent, additional considerations must be taken into account. Autism can affect communication, emotional regulation, and responses to change; factors that are central to family law proceedings involving children. Family law professionals are increasingly recognising the need to adapt their approach to neurodivergence.

It is estimated that 15% of the population is neurodivergent. To help practitioners consider best practices and accommodate neurodivergence, the Family Justice Council has published guidance for family lawyers on neurodiversity. This guidance highlights that failing to accommodate neurodivergence within the Family Justice System can prevent parties and children from fully participating in proceedings and dispute resolution.

Practical Adjustments for Parents Navigating Family Law

If you are a parent navigating family law with autism in mind, here are some key adjustments that may help:

  • Agreeing on the most suitable method of contact and communication: Determine whether emails, phone calls, or face-to-face meetings work best for your needs.
  • Receiving both physical and digital copies of documents
  • Taking sensory factors into account in office and meeting spaces
  • Sharing your preference for whether meetings should be held remotely or in person
  • Requesting visual aids (e.g. charts, diagrams) to enhance understanding of legal proceedings

Autism and Navigating the Family Court

If court proceedings become necessary, it is important to ensure that the court is informed of any neurodivergence within your family, so that appropriate adjustments can be made and support provided.

Part 3A and the accompanying Practice Direction 3AA were introduced into the Family Procedure Rules in November 2017. The rules establish a framework for proceedings involving vulnerable individuals and require the court, legal representatives, and all parties to identify any vulnerable persons as early as possible.

If a party is neurodivergent, this should be disclosed promptly to ensure the necessary adjustments are made. The court must then assess whether one or more participation directions are required to support the party involved in the proceedings or providing evidence.

The court may also appoint an intermediary. An intermediary is a neutral third party tasked with assessing the needs of a vulnerable individual and providing support.

The intermediary helps facilitate communication by relaying questions to the individual in a way they can understand, and by assisting the person asking the questions to ensure clarity.

Additionally, the intermediary can suggest ways to support the party and make recommendations to the court, such as allowing breaks during evidence presentation and ensuring questions are asked in short, clear segments.

When Autistic Children are Involved

In cases involving children with autism, it is crucial to ensure that any appointed expert has specific experience in working with autistic children. Besides, consideration should be given to whether the child requires support from an intermediary during interviews or if the case would benefit from the child having their own legal representation.

Alternatives to Court

Family lawyers committed to constructive resolution often recommend alternative methods such as mediation and collaborative law. These approaches promote communication, encourage cooperation between parties and mutual problem-solving, potentially reducing the stress and anxiety of court proceedings.

Arbitration and private hearings can take place in more suitable venues, creating surroundings conducive to settlement discussions. With a judge able to dedicate the entire day to the case, parties may find the process less overwhelming and more accommodating.

There are several steps family law professionals can take to help neurodiverse clients manage the challenges of family law proceedings. For families, it’s important to understand what can be done to support them. By providing tailored support and understanding, legal practitioners play a crucial role in ensuring families affected by autism receive the guidance they need and feel empowered throughout their legal journey.

Read more articles by Myerson Solicitors.

About Sarah Whitelegge

Sarah Whitelegge is a Senior Associate at Myerson Solicitors, a Top 200 UK law firm based in Altrincham, Greater Manchester. She specialises in family law, advising on divorce, financial settlements, cohabitation, nuptial agreements, child disputes, and domestic violence. With expertise in complex children matters, she has extensive advocacy experience in the Family Courts. A Resolution-accredited specialist in private children law and domestic violence, Sarah has practised family law since 2007. She holds a history degree from Leeds University and completed her legal training at Manchester Metropolitan University.

For more information about Myerson Solicitors and its Family Team, visit: https://www.myerson.co.uk/personal/family-law

Steering Conflict Through the Compass of Mediation
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Steering Conflict Through the Compass of Mediation

Lucy Adams
Lucy Adams
Senior Associate
Knights

Government-incentivised shifts to non-court dispute resolution have ushered in a new era for families, presenting mediation as a viable option for resolving complex family issues such as divorce. Here, Lucy Adams, a trained family mediator and senior associate at UK top 50 law firm Knights, delves into the evolving nature of mediation, examining how the process has transformed over the past year — from a mere formality to a serious alternative to litigation for resolving disputes.

While it may yet be an extraneous concept for some, at its core, mediation is built on the simplicity of collaboration and conciliation. Unlike the adversarial nature of litigation, where outcomes are imposed by a judge, mediation prioritises dialogue and mutual agreement. With a neutral mediator facilitating and driving discussions, the process of mediation is designed to resolve disputes to the (relative) satisfaction of both parties, helping them reach resolutions tailored to their unique circumstances at a lower cost than full litigation proceedings, and in most cases, with more favourable outcomes for all involved.

Decision-making rests with the participants

The process relies on impartiality, the key distinction between a mediator and a solicitor. While solicitors are hired to advocate for their clients only, mediators focus on guiding both sides to a mutually desired agreement. The process is confidential and designed to empower families, retaining the power of decision-making firmly in their hands rather than surrendering control to a judge. And in fact, numbers show that 69% of cases resolve all or some issues, helping parties avoid court altogether.

The rising waves of mediation

It’s important to note that many with disputes, whether it be marital breakdown or other family issues, the core breakthrough in mediation can be as simple as an apology or gesture of acknowledgment from one individual to another. Mediation is the breeding ground for this to be delivered in an environment that is less stifling than the courts, acknowledging the emotion attached to issues such as divorce.

In recent years, the government has been actively promoting mediation as a means to alleviate the burden on family courts, which has coincided with legislative shifts to ensure Mediation Information & Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) are more than just tick-box exercises. These are the first compulsory step in setting the scene for what we know as non-court dispute resolution (NCDR), a process that mirrors the court process outside its walls.

From here, a mediator will have fairly definitive guidelines that will allow them to assess the idiosyncrasies of varying disputes and set in place suitable processes for mediation to take place.

In helping parties resolve their disputes outside of court, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) has extended a government-funded voucher scheme, offering up to £500 toward mediation costs, now running until March 2026, as a way to ease financial barriers and make mediation more accessible to a wider audience.

Exploring the many facets of mediation

A voluntary and confidential process, mediation can be tailored on a case-by-case basis. Shuttle mediation, for instance, allows parties to remain in separate rooms while the mediator moves freely to facilitate discussions. This format can similarly be conducted online, providing accessibility for individual circumstances and day-to-day arrangements. t may also be a critical first step for issues like divorce, which can be upsetting to discuss face-to-face, or particularly where children are concerned.

For more complex cases, hybrid mediation, on the other hand, at the advice of the mediator, invites in additional participants, such as solicitors, financial advisors, or even therapists, to ensure agreements are legally sound or financially viable. Child-inclusive mediation also gives children a voice, enabling parents to make decisions that prioritise their well-being, particularly where family units have broken down.

Unlike the black-and-white outcomes of court rulings, mediation explores the nuances of each family’s situation. This creativity often leads to solutions that feel more personal and balanced, with the mediator having the insight to work through the case and consider aspects which may sometimes get overlooked at court.

Mediation benefits

Alongside its flexibility, mediation is considerably more cost-effective than traditional court proceedings, with expenses split equally between parties. Secondly, it is generally faster, often resolving disputes within weeks rather than the months or years litigation can take.

Beyond the practical benefits, mediation fosters a collaborative environment that helps preserve relationships, particularly when children are involved. By addressing both immediate concerns and long-term goals, mediation lays the groundwork for better outcomes and reduces the likelihood of future conflicts.

Mediation is particularly effective in disputes involving complex family dynamics, such as disagreements over finances, business assets, or pensions. It creates a space to address not only critical matters but also subtler emotional issues that might otherwise be overlooked in court. However, it may not be suitable for every situation, predominantly those involving severe domestic abuse, abduction, or bankruptcy, for example, which may require alternative interventions.

The hopes of a new treaty defining the future of mediation

The future of mediation is looking bright. Recent updates to family procedure rules now require courts to demand explanations for why mediation wasn’t pursued before litigation. This shift reflects a broader recognition of mediation’s effectiveness.

New methods such as hybrid mediation are likely to take the helm in addressing rather more complex cases, balancing out the flexibility of mediation with the expertise of legal and financial professionals. As stereotypes around mediation versus court litigation continue to diffuse, the potential of the former to transform how couples and families navigate dispute rises, thus helping individuals move through divorce in a legal, sensitive, and balanced manner.

About Lucy Adams

Lucy is a Senior Associate solicitor in the Family team. Lucy is also a trained Family Mediator.

Lucy is renowned for her expertise in both financial matters and child law.

Lucy has obtained the Law Society Advanced Accreditation in complex financial settlement and children cases. Lucy is also a Member of Resolution and committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes.

With over 15 years’ experience in family law, Lucy can support clients with the resolution of their divorce and on related financial issues including pensions, businesses, and pre-acquired marital wealth. She also supports cohabiting couples, who need help to resolve a dispute following their separation.

As a trained family Mediator, Lucy can offer a bespoke mediation service to assist in any children or financial disputes. The sessions can either be remote or face to face at one of our 23 national office locations in the UK. Mediation is a means of resolving disputes in an amicable, non-confrontational manner that meets the needs of both participants. Mediation can often be a quicker, more amicable, and less stressful process than the more traditional route at resolving disputes, such as going to court. Lucy is registered with the Family Mediation Association.

About Knights

Knights is one of the fastest-growing legal services businesses in the UK, delivering high-quality services to more than 10,000 business clients from 26 offices nationwide.

Knights is ranked within the top 50 UK law firms by revenue – with specialists in all key areas of corporate, real estate and commercial law. Its extensive expertise is consistently strengthened through its acquisitions and the recruitment of high-calibre talented professionals.

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Journalists Can Now Report on Family Law Cases in Court - Is This Good or Bad?
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Journalists Can Now Report on Family Law Cases in Court – Is This Good or Bad?

Anthony Parrish
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

In a milestone development starting this week, accredited journalists can report in family law courts on cases which decide the future and wellbeing of children whose parents are divorcing.

They can also report on cases which determine if children should be taken into care.  

Whereas the media have previously been allowed to observe such hearings since 2009 – but only report on what a judge allowed – they can now write in detail on cases, have access to some legal documents and interview families about their cases – providing their identify is protected.

The move follows a two-year pilot scheme covering private and public law children law cases. It aims to remove long-standing concerns about the ‘secrecy’ surrounding family courts, create greater transparency and build public confidence.

As a whole, our Children’s Department – which covers every area of public and private children law – sees the change as a favourable move.

There are some reservations however about how those who represent themselves in Court Proceedings – because they either can’t afford a family lawyer or simply choose to do so – may try to use the media to their own advantage.

This could apply in situations where they portray the other party in an unfavourable light or put their privacy at risk. Such scenarios raise concerns about safety and especially around the potential for social media platforms to be abused.

On the positive side, as long as journalists adhere to responsible reporting, the development will provide a constructive insight in helping the public to understand the realities of the Family Court System – and for an unbiased approach to be taken.

The new reporting freedoms could also see divorcing couples – particularly those with a profile in their community who are concerned about protecting their own and their children’s privacy – resolve matters out of the courtroom glare.

This can be achieved through alternative routes such as mediation or the collaborative process which help separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner.

Less costly, acrimonious, and drawn-out, these alternatives protect children being exposed to the fall out of their parents’ relationship. They prioritise children’s well-being and help the long-term interests of all those involved in the break-up.

Our family law experts are at the forefront of options which take a non-confrontational approach to relationship breakdown and put children’s best interests first.

The specialisms of our award-winning Children’s Team span residence, contact, relocation, international child abduction, adoption, and child protection.

Dedicated to consistently delivering excellence, we act for parents and grandparents, we represent children, through their court appointed Children’s Guardians allocated by Cafcass. We also act separately for children of a significant age and maturity.

Our extensive expertise includes a Family Law Mediator, a Child Inclusive Mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer and In House Counsel.

For queries on children law, mediation, or other family law issues, call Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, York on 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet us @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 7th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

New Family Procedure Rules Encourage Non-Court Dispute Resolution
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New Family Procedure Rules Encourage Non-Court Dispute Resolution

Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

With the introduction of the Family Procedure Amendment 2 rules in April 2024, family law practitioners are encouraged to resolve financial disputes at the start of divorce proceedings. This aims to reduce delays and promote a more efficient resolution process. The recent case of NA v LA has highlighted the court’s commitment to non-court dispute resolution (NCDR), emphasising the importance of attempting these methods before resorting to litigation.

The robust approach taken by the court in NA v LA represents a significant shift. The court stayed proceedings, requiring the parties to engage in non-court negotiations. The ruling underlines the necessity of attempting NCDR before bringing a case to court, even in the absence of complete financial disclosure.

At Fair Result, we have always advocated for sensible and realistic financial resolution from the outset of a case. Most divorcing couples are aware of their financial landscape, including the value of their home, bank accounts, and debts. Negotiations should begin promptly, ideally within two to three weeks, even if some financial details, such as pension values, are still being obtained.

The courts have introduced a new form (FM5), requiring parties to submit their views on the suitability of NCDR at the start of the divorce process. This should be submitted alongside the divorce application, focusing the parties on settlement and negotiation immediately.

Emphasis on Non-Court Dispute Resolution

NCDR should be a priority for all parties involved in family law disputes. The judgment in Re X 2024 EWHC 538 emphasised the court’s expectation for serious efforts to resolve disputes outside of court. This judicial emphasis is expected to speed up financial resolution for divorcing couples.

NCDR Methods Going Forward

  1. Mediation: Mediation, including hybrid mediation with support from solicitors and accountants, can be used at the outset. Shuttle mediation can also be effective if parties prefer not to be in the same room.
  2. Collaborative Family Law: Involves roundtable meetings where disputes are resolved through sensible and achievable approaches without court involvement.
  3. Private Financial Dispute Resolution (FDR) Hearings: Parties can appoint a qualified judge to assist with negotiations, focussing entirely on the case without the rush of a court environment.
  4. Arbitration: If other NCDR methods fail, parties can appoint an arbitrator to decide specific aspects of their case, agreeing to be bound by the decision.

These methods provide a quicker, more cost-effective way to resolve financial disputes, minimising the emotional toll on the parties.

Failure to engage in NCDR without good reason could result in court proceedings, where the court may depart from the general rule of no cost orders. This could lead to cost penalties for parties who do not engage realistically with NCDR.

The new regulations empower the court to encourage NCDR at any time, without requiring the agreement of the parties. Practitioners must reflect on this change and encourage early negotiation and practical dispute resolution.

Final Thoughts

The landscape of family law dispute resolution is changing for the better, promoting quicker and more cost-effective solutions for divorcing couples. For a no-obligation discussion, please feel free to contact us at Fair Result.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Divorce & dissolution and financial remedy – how to prepare for your initial meeting with a family solicitor
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Divorce & dissolution and financial remedy – how to prepare for your initial meeting with a family solicitor

Hannah Coupe
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Once an individual has made up their mind that they are going to separate from their spouse or civil partner, their attention may turn to instructing a solicitor. Whilst this is not necessarily the best way to proceed for everyone, and individuals should first consider whether their case might be suitable for mediation (which can be a quicker and cheaper way of resolving disputes), many individuals do end up taking this step.

Going to meet a family solicitor for the first time can be a daunting prospect, particularly because of the personal nature of what you are going to discuss with them. To try and help reduce any anxiety about this meeting, set out below is a summary of what you can expect to discuss with your solicitor at that initial meeting and what it might be helpful to have thought about and prepared ahead of time.

What you will discuss

  • What you would like to achieve;
  • Basic details about your spouse and any children of the family;
  • What has brought you to this point;
  • Your solicitor will explain how any divorce or dissolution will proceed alongside resolving the financial aspect of your separation and the arrangements for any children;
  • The overarching principles surrounding the above, which will inform the advice your solicitor provides to you; and
  • Your solicitor will provide advice regarding the likely timeframe to achieve your objectives.

Things to have prepared

  • Your solicitor will ask you to provide some key dates regarding your former relationship, such as:
    • When you commenced your relationship;
    • When you started living together; and
    • When you consider that the marriage or civil partnership ended.
  • A brief explanation of why the relationship broke down. It is helpful for your solicitor to have this background information so they can support you properly through the process and be aware of any relationship dynamics which might affect how they manage your case.
  • A brief summary of your financial assets. You will usually complete in-depth financial disclosure with the help of your solicitor. However, at your initial meeting, it is helpful to have a broad overview of what the assets are in the case. Perhaps make a bullet point list of yours and your spouse/civil partner’s assets and provide a rough value for each asset (you do not need to bring any supporting documentation with you to your first meeting). Some solicitors use an onboarding questionnaire to do much of the fact-gathering in advance, which means your first meeting will be that much more cost-effective and can concentrate on the advice. Generally, though, you should consider the value of the following assets:
    • The family home (and the value of any outstanding mortgage);
    • Any other properties you own;
    • Other assets of value such as cars, jewellery, watches, art etc;
    • The balance of bank accounts, savings accounts and the value of investments;
    • Any business interests (and start making available the last set of accounts); and
    • The cash-equivalent value (or CEV) of any pensions (as well as a state pension forecast as a precautionary measure).
  • Similarly, it is helpful for your solicitor to have a rough idea of your and your spouse/civil partner’s respective incomes (whether from employment, any trust interests or from your investments).
  • If you are aware that your spouse/civil partner has instructed a solicitor, it would be helpful to make a note of their name and firm so that you can pass it on.

The above points are by no means exhaustive and your solicitor may focus on what they think are the most important issues to be addressed. However, your solicitor will also be guided by you – the more information you can provide to your solicitor, the better, as it will allow them to give much more tailored advice and help you get the most of out of your meeting. Similarly, your solicitor will understand that you have a life beyond your divorce and as such it is not essential to attend your first meeting armed with all of the information set out above.

You do not need to go into the minutiae of the reasons the relationship has come to an end in your first meeting but in any event, your solicitor will be mindful that this is often a difficult topic to discuss. If you need to take a break from the meeting, you can ask to do so at any time or even park any of the issues you may not be ready to talk about.

Taking this first step after separation is bound to be difficult. However, making time ahead of your first meeting to think about the points above can pay dividends. The general stocktake will help you to feel that much more prepared and in control of what may seem like a very intimidating process. Remember that you are not alone – your solicitor is there to support you and help put in place a team around that will allow you to make informed decisions about your future.

More articles by Hannah Coupe

Hannah Coupe

Hannah Coupe is a solicitor at Burgess Mee, an award-winning specialist family law firm in London. Hannah advises on a broad range of family law matters, including divorce, matrimonial finance, nuptial agreements, and issues relating to children. She is also a member of Resolution, an organisation for lawyers which promotes a constructive and non-confrontational approach to family law cases.

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Family Court Delays – a new year, time to think in ‘new’ ways?

Suzanna Brown
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Delays in the court system have been widely reported in the media in the context of criminal proceedings but sadly remain commonplace in the family courts too. Many courts have a significant backlog of cases, exacerbated further by the pandemic and from which they have not generally recovered. The judiciary and court staff are doing their best under trying circumstances.

In financial remedy proceedings, it can often take around four or five months from the date the application is issued to even reach a first appointment. If your case requires a final hearing (which is unusual because most cases settle before then but does happen), it is likely that from beginning to end, separating couples could be waiting over a year for a judge to make a decision. Having to wait for an extended period for a resolution is often impractical and inevitably causes stress and additional expenses. With these widespread delays, what alternative avenues can couples pursue so that progress can be made sooner rather than later?

Mediation

Mediation involves you and your partner/spouse having discussions with a mediator present. You can use mediation to resolve financial issues on separation or children law matters such as child contact or where a child should live. Mediation is designed to provide a non-confrontational, confidential, and calm space for separating couples to work through any issues. When it works well it can be a fantastic method to resolve disputes and move forward relatively quickly. Mediation can be particularly useful as a tool where children are involved and parents want to find a way to maintain a co-parenting relationship. The mediator is trained to facilitate your discussions so that you can find a resolution but neutral third parties can be brought in such as family therapists and counsellors as well financial professionals to help resolve any impasse. You and your partner can even decide to both bring your lawyers to the mediation sessions so that you can obtain legal advice on the live discussions.

Private FDR / early-neutral evaluation (‘ENE’)

In financial remedy proceedings you may require a more formal and timetabled method of resolving the issues, while also wanting to avoid the stress and expense of court proceedings. A ‘financial dispute resolution appointment’ or FDR is usually the second substantive hearing in any formal court proceedings. At this hearing, the judge will give an indication of how they think the case should be resolved and that is then used by all the parties to inform their negotiations (the indication itself is non-binding and not seen by your judge at a final hearing who approaches the matter with a fresh pair of eyes). However, there can be a long wait for this hearing, which can mean valuations may need to be updated and positions may become further entrenched.

Private FDR hearings duplicate that format but they take place separately from the formal proceedings and on your terms. They bring the advantage of flexibility (on the date, timing, compliance with directions and location) and also allow complete privacy as they are usually held in barristers’ chambers. Although there is the additional expense of paying for your ‘judge’ (the proper term is ‘tribunal’ as they will not be sitting in a judicial capacity), this is vastly outweighed by the time and ultimate expense saved on waiting for a court date.

Arbitration

Arbitration is another form of private dispute resolution, that can offer a flexible and expedited route to resolving the issues arising on separation. It involves the appointment of an ‘arbitrator’ who can make a binding decision upon you (as with judgements from the family courts, arbitral awards can be appealed on the grounds that the decision was wrong, or if there is another compelling reason justifying the appeal). and your partner whether in terms of an overall outcome or where there is an impasse over a discrete issue. Arbitration can allow greater control over virtually the entire process if the parties want, so it can move at a pace that suits everybody. With the right advice, the process can also be simplified too which is a major advantage. Although there is the additional cost of the arbitrator throughout, as with other forms of private dispute resolution, this can be significantly outweighed by the emotional and long-term financial benefit to separating individuals in dealing with everything that much more quickly.

Collaborative law

An often-overlooked form of dispute resolution, the collaborative process involves a series of four-way meetings involving collaboratively trained solicitors all working together to reach an agreement. Everyone signs a ‘participation agreement’ at the outset agreeing that in the event they cannot resolve their issues with their method, they will each instruct new solicitors giving added impetus to the success of the process.

As with so many forms of ADR, third parties such as financial advisors and family therapists can be brought into the meetings to assist the discussions.

At the outset, each person will have the opportunity to set out their own aims and objectives in the process (usually by way of what are referred to as ‘anchor statements’ which can be revisited if momentum is stalling to remind everyone why they are here). Your solicitors will work together before and after each meeting, to see how best to drive the agenda forward but this will be agreed during the course of the work done in the four-way meetings. There is no hard and fast rule for how long the collaborative process may take – sometimes only a couple of meetings are required, sometimes it may be four or five.

Solicitor-led negotiation & round-table meetings

Solicitor-led negotiation is often the first port of call for separating parties to test the water and narrow the issues. Progress can be much slower than the other forms of dispute resolution even where solicitors are sensibly picking up the phones to one another but it can represent a clear channel of communication where correspondence sets out clearly each party’s position. This route can still feel attritional because it will still feel for the most part turn-based and there is an associated cost to that but many parties will appreciate the structure and clarity this provides.

Solicitor-led negotiation is often a prelude to a roundtable meeting where the parties meet with their lawyers (usually in the same room with break-out spaces for discussions but the parties can start with shuttle-style negotiations before being brought together as agreement nears) to further narrow the issues and hopefully progress to agreeing the headline terms of a settlement. Mediation (and the involvement of other third-party professionals like family counsellors) can be used alongside solicitor dialogue (or direct communication between the parties who feel they only need a little help finding a solution) to help make breakthroughs too.

Conclusion

Each of the above methods offer an alternative to the traditional court process. They come with varying benefits including speed, privacy, flexibility and control, less stress, and confidentiality to name just a few. If your partner has already issued court proceedings, many of these options are still available alongside the court process. Issuing court proceedings should be a last resort but can be a useful tool to put a timetable in place and launch a separating couple towards all of the available dispute resolution options, creating their own bespoke method of resolving the issues arising upon their separation.

More articles by Suzanna Brown

About Suzanna Brown

Suzanna Brown is a solicitor at Burgess Mee Family Law who advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce & separation, complex financial claims (often with an international element), private law children matters, and postnuptial & prenuptial agreements. Suzanna is dual-qualified in English and Scottish law.

Suzanna is an active member of Resolution, the national organisation for family lawyers.

The Importance of Child Inclusive Mediation - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 2) - Nicki Mitchell
Thumbnail for the YouTube video "The Importance of Child Inclusive Mediation - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 2) - Nicki Mitchell"

A Guide to Child Inclusive Mediation – TDM Expert Interviews (EP.2) – Nicki Mitchell

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Discover the pivotal role of Child Inclusive Mediation in the divorce process as Nicki Mitchell, Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors, shares her expert insights.

In this enlightening interview, she explains why involving children in the mediation process is crucial and highlights alternative routes for separating couples, steering clear of the courtroom.  

Whether you’re revisiting the conversation, prefer to read, or wish to delve into the details, this transcript offers a comprehensive summary of Nicki’s valuable knowledge and guidance.  

Explore the essential insights and options for a more collaborative divorce journey. Read on for the full transcript of our video, “The Importance of Child Inclusive Mediation.” 

 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxsAMqn_CgA] 

[Music]

Hello everybody welcome to The Divorce Magazine. Today we have Nicki Mitchell. My name is Soila Sindiyo I’m the Founder of The Divorce Magazine and, I just love meeting our contributors and Nicki has been contributing to with The Divorce Magazine since um, last year but Nicki who’s a Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors, have been contributing since 2016 so, kind of like way when we had just started and um, so we have like 60 articles on the on The Divorce Magazine from Jones Myers so anybody who wants to know a little bit about this family law solicitors just go on there, you’ll find a lot of information about the processes and where they come from which, is the angle that I always get from your articles yours Nicki included is very child focused and trying to make divorce as amicable a process as possible um, so really happy that we are having this interview with you and so, who is Nicki Mitchell apart from being a Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors?

Nicki is a very skilled child inclusive mediator, and as well as a family mediator and a collaborative law um, practitioner Nicki is also has had extensive experience in family law, and in particular in financial issues that have to do with relationship breakdown, family businesses and where there are multiple properties involved, as well as that complicated matter of pension arrangements.

So, this is Nicki and we have her here um, so thank you so much for coming Nicki and joining us on this one today what we’re going to be looking at is the whole issue of child inclusive mediation. And I would is there anything you want to add about your introduction by the way Nicki because I’ve just gone off?

No, no that that’s, that’s, that’s very complimentary very nice here thank you very much and no that that encapsulates or I do have the kind of weird interest in pensions I have to say but certainly the ADR approach is absolutely right that that is, definitely the way in which I certainly and the firm as a whole try to approach, dispute resolution within family cases trying to keep it away from the court try and keep control for the people whose lives it affects. Yeah, yeah, you said ADR, not everybody knows what ADR stands for.

What does ADR stand for? 

I’m sorry okay, well in fact it’s now changed it’s Alternative Dispute Resolution, alternatives to the court it’s now become known as Dispute Resolution, the idea being that that it is not an alternative that should be the main way of approaching it so it’s really anything that doesn’t involve um, going to a court and asking a judge for a decision. Okay, so all the things you mentioned mediation, collaborative practice, and there’s also arbitration and um, private processes and so on so so all of that trying to trying to give people, ownership and autonomy and so they can work out their own futures rather than handing it over to somebody else to do.

Oh I like that I like the fact that they’ve removed the A and made it, yeah, it’s another way of getting divorced it’s not the alternative it isn’t one way and then also yeah, okay, that’s really good thank you thank you. So, but today we’re focusing on child inclusive mediation um, tell us what that is.

What is child inclusive mediation? 

So, maybe I should really start with mediation rather than, presuming what that is it’s really not rocket science it’s a it’s a dispute resolution process, the various different models but the kind of classic, conventional one is it’s just a meeting between, the couple and a an impartial mediator like me um, who uses various skills to get, them help them get to a position where they reach agreed proposals about their children about finances about whatever it is they need to discuss and it’s so it is it’s a series of meetings it’s you know they retain control, often there are children involved sometimes the mediation is just about resolving children issues, sometimes it’s you know all kinds of consequences a relationship breakdown, all kinds of things that need to be talked about.

When it comes to children, so actually this again bit of kind of background, in 1989, there was a UN Convention on the rights of the child and that provided, so UN, UN level that children’s voices should be heard in any, proceedings affecting the money issues affecting them so that hasn’t really happened very effectively in my view, despite the fact that was a long quite a long time ago. Yeah, yeah so and there are other jurisdictions Australia interestingly has a much better developed Family Justice System than we have here in England and Wales.

And so in Australia for quite a lot of years now the way in which they have worked to get the voice of the child heard, certainly within the mediation process, focusing specifically on the mediation process rather than courts and you know that’s not what we’re talking about here, is child inclusive mediation. So what it isn’t, is you bring a child in, to a meeting sit them down in front of the parents and say right what do you think, it’s definitely not that it is about the, the child’s voice being heard.

And so it is a separate, it’s within the process first of all the parents you’ll have a conversation with the parents, say “this is something which is a possibility what do you think?” Everybody would have to agree so the child or children and both parents would have to be comfortable with that there’s quite a lot of preparation, for that because it’s really, really important, that everybody goes into it with the right intention and prepared for what might come out of it. So what the child bit, is a separate meeting, a confidential meeting, between me as the mediator and the child or children, and generally speaking there isn’t there are no hard or fast rules about what age it might be, um, but generally speaking a child of around 10 sometimes a bit younger, um. and certainly younger if they are younger siblings of an older child to if you see what I mean.

So it would be a separate meeting, sorry, you mean if they have older siblings then they can be, involved in the process I mean it doesn’t feel right, and I’ll come on to explain in a minute yeah so if you had a 12 year old and an 8 year old, the 12 year old, almost certainly would be, exactly the right age for this and and in terms of family dynamics, and all children you know, needing to be heard, it would be wrong, to in my view to exclude the 8 year old.

As long as they want or everybody wants to do it, really tiny children clearly not, because you can’t have that kind of conversation with them so, there are no hard and fast rules about the age. That, going back to the Australian experience, there’s a lot of research, that says that, children who have had their voices heard in this way have, have tend to have better mental health outcomes, as young adults, than their peers who haven’t gone through that but have experienced parental separation.

And, so, that can be the only reason, it’s a strange one because I’m not a therapist, not trained as a therapist and it isn’t therapy and you make that really clear, but it’s, but the research suggests that just by feeling that they’ve been able to have a confidential meeting with somebody impartial, that that has a positive impact, yeah, on children as they develop, yeah.

That’s really important I mean we see in studies that have been done because we know divorce can have, long-term effects on children, absolutely, if this is one way that that long-term effect can be eliminated or diminished, yes, yeah, absolutely so it may be, that all that happens in that meeting is that the children get things off their chest, and then, they’ve been able to do that, the parents know they’ve been able to do that and that you know that hopefully that will benefit them in the future.

And the reason why I say that might be it, is because the only thing that you can share from that confidential meeting with a child is what they agree you can share. So, it’s possible that some children will say “I don’t want you to share anything”, mostly, I can’t wait to tell you what they want you to tell the parents, and it’s not always what the parents want to hear, or expect to hear, but it is really, really important that everybody understands that that meeting is for the child it’s confidential to the child and anything that’s going to be shared is with the childs expressed permission.

Yeah, so, you know that, more often than not they’ll say things “I just want to just stop arguing”, you know or, it, it you get all kinds of things but, the reason why it’s really, really important to prepare parents for this is because there is a risk, that parents will think, well they’re just going to tell us what the answer is. The decision making remains very, firmly with the parents.

Okay, that’s, that’s one part that I really wanted to know about what happens at the end of that, um, and also I have so many questions that are going through my mind you know coming from my background as a psychologist and working a lot with children, um, and I have so many questions that are floating around in my mind so I like the idea that it’s a safe space for children to just come and, talk and say.

Um, at the same time I’m thinking or I’m wondering about children, do you do you have some kind of way or assessment where you realise that actually it wouldn’t be appropriate, even if the child is 12, 13, 14, where it looks like there’s been coercion, or possible parental alienation, that you think actually there’s no point?

Do you have some kind of way or assessment where you realise that actually it wouldn’t be appropriate to do child inclusive mediation, if there’s been possible coercion or parental alienation? 

Oh yeah, yeah absolutely, it is by no means. In theory, this is something which should be offered, to all children but in practice, the mediator manages the mediation process the mediator as a mediator I can make a call you know I, will not infrequently say right we need to stop that now because this isn’t for whatever reason not necessarily reasons of abuse but, you know it’s just, all becoming unproductive, certainly if there’s any suggestions becoming abusive anyway and similarly, that first meeting with the parents is key.

So there are many reasons including the ones that you’ve said but also, if I think that really, one parent if I think anybody’s going to coach a child, or put pressure on a child, or, if the other thing to expose what do they, what if, there is feedback that they don’t like. So if a child tells me no I do actually want to stay with Dad, and just for example relatively common, thing that we could talk about in mediation, and Mum really doesn’t, expect, to hear that, because the child might have been saying something different as you know you’ll know as well as I do that children want to please and protect don’t they so, they will tell parents different things not because they’re dishonest, but because they’re just, in a really impossible position.

So you know there are cases where the feedback might be entirely unexpected and unwelcome and where, there is the potential for that to have a prejudicial impact on the relationship between the child and that parent, or for them to put pressure on them or whatever you’ve got to spend a lot of time, talking about all of this and assessing it and if there’s any suggestion of that it doesn’t happen.

And do you have um, the meeting with the children do you have, with all the children at the same time let’s say they’re two or three children or do you have them separately, how does that work?

Do you have the session with the children separately or all together? 

Both, both so I would tend to start off with them all together, okay, and then, agree with them and that we spend time, separately.

I’ve never had it I’ve, I’ve never had anybody say “no we’re not doing that”, right, they, they tend to be but obviously you start off and you’ve got games to play but play a lot of Dobble and that kind of thing you know, you’ve got things to kind of put them at ease and have a bit of a chat and so on and once you’ve got to that point then they’re generally quite happy.

I wouldn’t make, especially you know I wouldn’t make a child do that but um, it’s really interesting, that, you know they often do have quite different things to say, and they understand that, they each, you know the children I’ve seen respect the fact that each one of them will have a different view and needs to be able to say that, so, yeah, it’s because it’s a dynamic thing and it’s also the individual perspective.

Yeah, I work a lot with children and families and in my own private practice I work a lot with family or couples or parents who are going through divorce and they’re concerned about their children, or have been Court Ordered to attend Triple P parenting programs so that they can either regain contact and, and so forth um, and I come from that angle, you know that where please listen to the children’s voices, please be health centred child focus it’s not about you here, it’s about them.

So what, what would you say, in your experience what have been the positive or the benefits of child inclusive mediation for the family and for you’ve mentioned a couple in terms of long term, effects, but within the process when you’re mediating and you have the children and you give feedback, what has been your experience um, in terms of the direction that the mediation has taken or changes that have happened?

What would you say are the positives or benefits of the child inclusive mediation process? 

I have had cases where it’s been very difficult, so I’ve and in a case like that where I would see the parents separately at the beginning of the joint session, and that takes some time then to manage and, you know because I can then give the bad news the ability to give the unexpected news to one parent and ,you know also manage the other one’s expectations as to how we’re going to address that when we come back together. But generally speaking, you know if, if you’ve got it right and if they genuinely do want to listen it can be really helpful, it just you know and again you’re getting it right involves, the parents being really clear it’s still their decision, so they don’t have to go along with whatever they said yeah, but you know parents, are interested in all the children say generally speaking, and, you know it has informed, the choices that parents have made in a very positive way.

Do you ever have parents who are separated, and are trying to just come to the best possible scenario for their children who come in just for child inclusive mediation?

Do you ever have parents who are separated, and are trying to just come to the best possible scenario for their children who come in just for child inclusive mediation? 

Yeah, yeah, good. Because quite a lot of people, the thing is in terms of financial work, you know the financial legal work, if parents aren’t married, the finances are actually quite straightforward so often they don’t need to mediate all that they’ve sorted all of that out so it only tends to be in the context to the divorced, when you’ve got the financial stuff as well, and there are lots, lots of you know unmarried families aren’t there so an awful lot of at cases where all they want to talk about is child arrangements.

And are there any disadvantages to child inclusive mediation that you can think of?

Are there any disadvantages to child inclusive mediation? 

Well the role if you get it wrong, so you know if a parent, if a parent does bring pressure on a child I mean, I think coaching is relatively easy spot I mean it’s people will always suggest parents will always suggest that because they’re in a position of fear and they, you know, that it’s entirely natural to be suspicious about, what one, what the other parents saying to a child when they’re not there but, you know you, you either spend time with the parents as an initial Mediation Information Assessment Meeting or a MIAM at the beginning with each of them spending time getting to know them, understanding where they’re coming from, that’s really useful to spend quite a bit of time on that, and then you’ll have them together for a joint session so you do really start to get more of a feel for whether or not you think the impact of that process is, is, is going to be prejudicial because a parent will use it in the wrong way.

So, if you, kind of, don’t spot that for whatever reason and nobody’s perfect are they then there is the potential there for it being prejudicial to the child. We never see it as mediators, we never really see what happens ,further down the line it’s just you’re just involved in resolving that, dispute.

Occasionally people come back and say want to review things and, and so on. There is always a risk with any of these things is that that you know you can’t you can manage a process but you can’t make it perfect. Yeah, yeah, and how many sessions do you see the children for?

How many sessions do you see the children for? 

Usually one, usually just one. So it would usually be, the individual meetings, the meeting with the parents to talk about it, explain it and make sure everything’s right, then you’d write to the child. So I write a handwritten letter, and age appropriately basically saying “you don’t have to come in but your mum and dad have asked me to write to you because they think it would be good for you to have a conversation with me”, so they, tell me what’s going on for you yeah, so maybe coming from mum and dad but you know, he has said duh, duh, duh, duh, it’s me you write to them as well and say I write to them and say mum and dad think it would be a good idea, yeah, you don’t have to do it if you, if you don’t want to, but, you might it might be nice for you to be able to have a chat about all of this.

Um, and you know in in kind of child’s age-appropriate language about, uh you know having to break confidently being confidential about having to break confidentiality if they tell me something that’s a safeguarding issue and then, they could have a session with, with the children, and then shortly afterwards, a session with the parents feedback session with the parents it’s really, important that that’s as short as possible so, you know, nobody’s worried about what’s been said what hasn’t been said, so that’s generally how it works.

I kind of know, the answer to this question seeing how our interview has gone, but what has been your experience of child inclusive mediation, compared to the traditional forms of divorce?

What has been your experience of child inclusive mediation, compared to the traditional forms of divorce mediation? 

Mediation as opposed to traditional yeah, yeah. Where it’s, it’s, you know, “I’m going to see my lawyer, you’re going to see your lawyer” and then yeah, yeah, well. You can probably see this coming but it’s I cannot, say strongly enough, how much better it is, if people can be helped, to keep control of their future, to keep talking about their children.

I think the reality is that even, whether I mean it’s like any profession, there are some really, really good practitioners out there and there are some who, approach it differently, who perhaps don’t kind of get the reality that these are people’s lives. It’s not about scoring points and showing how good you’re at the law or anything like that.

And there are people out there generally speaking is a pretty good enlightened profession but there are people out there so when you get into, you know somebody goes to see a solicitor and straight down the litigation route I can’t tell you how damaging, that is for everybody. I mean it’s bad enough for the lawyers really, it’s not a great job it’s not a great way of earning a living I mean, you know the whole time people firing things that are trying to score points is horrible and it’s not even your life.

So, you know, what mediation, collaborative practice, all of those things. The advantage of those things is that, people keep control of their own lives and, you know, a lot of lawyers would think oh well, they don’t people don’t know what the options are when they come in. They think it’s court, yeah, but I, a very, I can’t really remember anybody who, who you know by the end of the first conversation wants to go to court.

They might think it’s inevitable because they think that their ex, will do that but the reality is, quite often they don’t want to do it it’s fear isn’t it, it’s all about yeah, it’s all about people wanting to protect themselves it’s that kind of fight or flight thing. It’s a clinical, cold process, it’s highly discretion there’s lots of the things that actually matter to people never get mentioned in court proceedings.

So it’s very unsatisfactory all along and all of these things are said in a formal ways, sometimes by pompous lawyers in the courtroom, it’s really, it’s really damaging. Yeah, that I try um, we try to have on The Divorce Magazines when we have contributions you know people will submit articles, that are verging or, leaning very, much towards this part of um, acrimony or, triggering or then we, we don’t talk about that we just want articles, that are because let’s not. Okay, divorce is not pleasant for anybody, no matter which way we go. And I usually say, for the child the separation of the parents is a big deal, but what could be even bigger, which could be the primary trauma is how the whole process is handled, yeah, conflict, yeah, so yeah exactly conflict so in The Divorce Magazine we really try, to not try, we, we I think we do manage to not have articles that are you, know going in that direction and keeping it, letting people know there are other ways of dealing with it and if you have a solicitor these are the things that you need to think about and all articles are contributed by experts like you, you know family lawyers and so forth.

So speaking of the different ways that um, divorce goes, you know the different processes you’ve mentioned some, I’d like to find out a little bit more for instance you mentioned a MIAM. What is a MIAM?

What is a MIAM?

The MIAM is the first stage of the mediation process. So it stands for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, so it’s a one-to-one meeting between the mediator and one of the couple, one of the separating couple, where it’s not about solving anything, it’s not about the mediating making judgments or anything it’s about understanding what the issues are, understanding where that person is coming from, giving them information about the mediation process, and coming to a decision at the end of that, as to whether they’re willing to give it a go.

And it’s the MIAM, so people get confused the, the court rules now say ish, they say there are exemptions that if you want to make an application to a family court for a family order, then you have to have had a MIAM. You don’t say you have to mediate it because you know you take horse to water and all that but you have to have had that information. So that’s what the MIAM is so hopefully what it is, is a preliminary to a mediation process but if not it’s, it’s a conversation, to inform people about alternatives to court applications.

And I’m assuming that, correct me if I’m wrong that the MIAM was put in place in that way, you know preliminary to, going to court in the hope that some people will be diverted into a conversational level, absolutely, absolutely, and it does work but it, it often works I mean I, and many mediator colleagues would say, if you get somebody in, it’s very unlikely they’re going to say they don’t want to do it when you explain you know so do you know how long a Court’s gonna take do you know how much it’s going to cost you that kind of thing.

But you do still get referrals and I just I just needed to sign a form there’s a challenge. I don’t think that’s gonna happen um, yeah, so, so yes it’s um, that’s the idea and courts are getting judges are getting better at, because for years they’ve been regulations in place and what people have been doing is just say there’s an exemptions, there are more pages on the Form A which is the financial form, right, about exemption from mediation than there are about anything else so, there’s all kinds of you know, perfectly followed one’s domestic abuse Etc. Although, you know personally I think an initial meeting to properly screen that, yeah, rather than a solicitor, ticking a box, is I think, don’t think that would be a bad idea.

Can I ask you just with regards to that Nicki so let’s say I’m getting divorced, and I say, I said to my future ex-husband to be, shall we go for, for mediation and he says “no I don’t want to go for mediation” anyway, I come to you, I get my MIAM and we eventually, you know end up in court, the fact that he didn’t want to go to mediation, is that ever taken into account is it, you know does it.

If my ex declines going for mediation, is that take into account when going to court? 

Yes and no I mean what you because the mediation, there’s a lot of confidential issues around mediation so mediator isn’t going to be, giving reasons apportioning blame Etc. So in your, in your situation I’m still contacting, okay, so if you come to me for a MIAM, I would still contact him and say “why don’t you just come for a chat”, so there is still, whatever he says, yeah, yeah there’s still that but if he still says no, the courts are getting much better at A. Making sure people have actually not just ticked an exemption box for the sake of it and have seen that and B. adjourning things and saying I saw a couple last week, is that exactly that had happened, applications being made to the court, the court said come on you can sort this out to between yourselves go to mediation.

Yeah, and I’ve had a few like that, so courts are becoming much more, come on this is, this is parenting it’s not law it’s parenting. Have a supported conversation it’s not here’s a conversation, but have one supported by the right professional. That’s really good to hear, so Nicki this brings us really nicely into, my last question, which is, we started off by talking about the different ways of mediation, of divorcing now the different, different processes that are out there, can you tell us, you know we know the traditional one I go like that again in terms of lawyer, lawyer couples go to court and, and all of that or they don’t go to court but it’s just that the lawyers speaking, and then we’ve talked about mediation, family mediation and we’ve talked about the MIAMs and what that means, and where it goes and we’ve talked about child inclusive mediation but what other, other ways are there of um, going through the divorce process.

What other ways are there of going through the divorce process? 

I think what happens is, you get to know somebody, spend some time at the beginning you kind of assess, where they’re at and you can do whatever it takes and you commit, the thing that I find really exciting now about the way family law is developing and it’s been a long time coming, is that there is now an openness to, you know changing tack as you need to if something doesn’t work find a different way of doing it it’s not just you go to mediation, if mediation fails you go to court, there are lots of other ways that you can do it.

So, the main way in which, that kind of process option I would call is collaborative practice. The collaborative practice is, a bit like mediation, but the lawyers are, it’s a team thing so it’s the couple and their lawyers around the table, they sign a contract that says they’re not going to go to court they’re going to sort it out around that table, they can then bring other professionals into that so whether that’s pensions experts, accountants, valuers whatever they can actually come to the table, have a proper conversation so everybody understands things, and questions can be asked.

And then, they reach an agreement and that’s sorted by the lawyers. So that is a really, effective process, quite kind process as well and it’s, it’s team problem solving at its best and, generally speaking that’s, you know it does work. Are there solicitors from two different firms, yeah, two different they come together then the accountants and everybody else that you mentioned are they from, are there two sets of accountants, two sets of, no, okay, there’s just one so the idea is that and I do this in my mediation practice as well.

Quite often with pensions, erm you know we need some pensions of complicated things, we need somebody with our expertise, let’s send them the information so this is what we want to achieve and they’ll come and talk to us about how that can happen. So that can happen in a collaborative process but it’s one, it’s what’s called a ‘Single Joint Expert’ it’s the same principle in court, that instead you know gone are the days where, you would have you know husband’s accountant, the wife’s accountant, and a big scrap about it the court says “no you need to agree one person to do it they’ve got the expertise, let them do it.”

So, those people can come into any process but what, what I find most, exciting about what’s, maybe sounds a bit, wrong to be talking about it but I mean as professionally exciting for me in terms of, seeing really positive change, is that there is an accept there are different models coming out and we’re in the process in York of thinking about, how we can work, by putting a team together so instead of, somebody going to one solicitor or the other person going to the other solicitor, them having completely different styles and everybody ends up confused and, they can’t agree what to do.

Almost you could have it can have a process and it does work there’s a, we spoke to some people some, fantastic women in Melbourne in Australia they came over and spoke to us in the summer and what they do is they, a couple goes, go to them as an organisation and they say right okay this is what you need in your team, you need, you get a lawyer each because you need that guidance, but actually a lot of the works can be done by a financial person because that financial person can get all the financial information together, that saves your lawyer time, you would need some support from divorce coach, family consultant, various different, words for them but they tend, they are people who will be there skilled people who are there to provide that emotional support, that again reduces illegal costs because people, are reliant on family lawyers, to get them through things and that you know it’s part of the job that I like best it’s forming those relationships but I’m not, I’m not trained as a counsellor or you know anything like that so you get, you bring in the people you create a team and then and from the start the choices to work together to get where you need to be.

So we’re looking at ways at the moment in York of um, trying to make that work talking to different professionals and talking to somebody who already, does it in the south of England and trying to put that together. It sounds like a very holistic way of treating, a divorcement yeah, uh, you know different because divorce means so many different things it’s not just a bit of the couple, there’s the lost family home, there’s the loss of the future, the loss of the children’s idea of what life would be like, your idea, you know there’s so much you know the plans and then, not even talking about the pain and you know the hurt the you know, what you’re, feeling and then you know if somebody has not been working now it’s going to go out and getting reskilled it’s such a huge, emotional roller, no well maybe not roller coaster because sometimes can just keep going up yeah, sometimes yeah, I know yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much Nicki, yeah sure I’ve enjoyed it actually yeah, I might get in touch with you because I want to talk about the pension side of, of divorce because I think that’s what um, has been, it’s spoken about but only, it feels like when people just decide we’re breaking up it’s like who’s going to get the house, and then you don’t think about the other things that come after that or on the side of that or um, it would be good to have another interview that’s about the financial side of, absolutely and pensions weirdly pensions, I blame my dad, my dad was an accountant so I do have a there’s, a there’s a natural streak of me that likes the numbers, so and pensions are really complicated and I love it I do find it really interesting although I don’t share that with everybody because people find that strange. Which is all you need.

I like that families you can do the numbers yeah, yeah. Thank you so much, thank you very much and thank you for all the contributions from you and from Jones Myers on to The Divorce Magazine, pleasure no it’s, it’s great and I, I love the ethos I do like that it’s very clear that what you do, it’s a, it’s a positive force it’s like no look at this yeah, make, make choices make better choices yeah, with the right information people often make poor choices because they don’t got the right information. Exactly, exactly and that’s why we only take contributions from, divorce professionals. Anybody else it’s maybe from their own experience of divorce, or step parenting, but when it’s giving, when it’s sharing knowledge about divorce and the divorce process, only from divorce professionals other no bloggers or writers, no you need to be able to be writing for The Divorce Magazine, yeah. Thank you so much, excellent, absolute pleasure.

[Music]

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors. With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

Skilled in mediation and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki is also a Child Inclusive Mediator which enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

Mediation must be voluntary to ensure access to justice.
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Mediation Must be Voluntary to Ensure Access to Justice

The Law Society
The Law Society
Professional Body for Solicitors
England & Wales

Divorcing couples should not be subject to mandatory mediation, as putting barriers in place to attending court is likely to deny access to justice, the Law Society of England and Wales said today in response to a government consultation.

The consultation launched in March is seeking views on supporting earlier resolution of private family law arrangements. In its response to the consultation the Law Society is calling on:

  • Mediation to not be mandatory in divorce cases;
  • Early advice for all (subject to means testing)*
  • Support for domestic abuse victims as they go through the court process, which has not been detailed in the government’s proposals;

“The family courts are experiencing significant backlogs and delays.** We are pleased the government is seeking early resolution for families,” Law Society President Lubna Shuja said.

“Delays have a detrimental impact on families seeking justice and can mean parents are prevented from seeing their children. This leaves children without the stability they need to thrive.

“The problems facing the family court will not go away overnight, but with a robust framework, early legal advice and greater options for divorcing couples, there is more chance of early resolution.”

Commenting on mediation being mandatory Lubna Shuja said: “We understand the value of mediation in resolving family disputes amicably without needing to go to court.

“We do not agree, however, with making mediation compulsory. No form of dispute resolution should be mandatory. Attendance must be voluntary for it to be effective.

“Most couples try to avoid costly court litigation and delays to resolution. The types of cases that do require a court hearing or court process – and would be impacted by the compulsory mediation scheme – are complex in nature.

“Complexity needs to be considered, otherwise these proposals could risk harm being done to vulnerable people who are legitimately seeking a court hearing.”

Commenting on support needed for victims of domestic abuse Lubna Shuja said: “The Domestic Abuse Act has been a positive step forward in the government improving the protections available for victims.

“While the government has recognised that cases concerning allegations of domestic abuse need to be an exemption to the scheme, these cases cannot simply be removed.

“Domestic abuse victims need to be referred to services that can protect and support them through the court process. This is not detailed in the government’s proposals.”

About the Law Society

The Law Society is the independent professional body that works globally to support and represent solicitors, promoting the highest professional standards, the public interest and the rule of law.

Press office contact: Naomi Jeffreys | 020 8049 3928

How do I find the right family mediator for my divorce?
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How Do I Find the Right Family Mediator for my Divorce?

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

If you opt to settle your divorce through mediation rather than a drawn out, expensive and contentious Court settlement, choosing the right mediator is vital.

Here are some guidelines to help ensure the best possible outcome for you, your ex, and – most importantly – any children involved in your relationship breakdown.

Who chooses the mediator?

The first step if for each of you separately to attend a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with a qualified mediator who should  be approved by the Family Mediation Council (FMC).

You can appoint your own mediator through the FMC register which lists mediators near where you live.

At the MIAM you both discuss with the mediator key issues that need resolving. If you have children, the mediator should explain to you how your children’s voice can be heard within the process.

The mediator will explain the mediation  process and consider with you alternative ways of resolving the issues between you.  At the end of the session, you and the Mediator will come to a decision together as to whether you think mediation is suitable for you.

Why should the mediator have to be approved by the FMC?

Anyone with no training or qualifications can claim to be a family mediator.

FMC approval gives you the confidence that the mediator entrusted with this crucial role has been trained – and is qualified, and fully insured.

What is the mediator’s role after the MIAM?

If mediation is the way forward, the mediator who conducted your MIAM will set up a joint meeting with the two of you

Your chosen mediator will help you both work out key issues such as children contact and support along with dividing assets, property, pensions, and debts.

It can be very helpful in disputes relating to financial issues for you to use an FMC accredited mediator who is also a family lawyer. Although they will remain impartial in the process, they will be able to give you very useful legal information in the mediation, providing explanations as to how the legal process works and the options available to you around your properties, debt, pension, and income.

Where there is a need for you to take your own legal advice, this will be flagged up by the mediator.

Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in as few or as many meetings as you need.  These can take place over a few months or, in some cases, weeks.  Depending on the issues, some couples are able to come to agreed proposals in just one meeting.

Findings from the Family Mediation Council highlight that agreements are reached in over 70% of cases of couples undergoing mediation.

I have seen repeatedly how mediation helps separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which avoids going to Court, prioritises children’s well-being – and supports the long-term interests of all those involved.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors. With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

Skilled in mediation and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki is also a Child Inclusive Mediator which enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

Family professionals show support for the Family Solutions Group call to end the use of ‘battle’ language and the term ‘custody’ following a family separation. Taking the ‘fight’ out of family separation is long overdue to protect children.
Photo by Nemesia Production on Unsplash.
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Call to End the Combative Language of Family Separation, on First Anniversary of No Fault Divorce

Helen Adam
Helen Adam
Chair
Family Solutions Group
  • Family professionals show support for the Family Solutions Group call to end the use of ‘battle’ language and the term ‘custody’ following a family separation. Taking the ‘fight’ out of family separation is long overdue to protect children.
  • Supported by the President of the Family Division, the FSG urges legal professionals to stop using adversarial terms and legal jargon in family separation proceedings.
  • 99% of professionals said the language legal professionals use affects separating clients’ mindsets and their behaviour.
  • 99% of professionals said that small changes in language could make a difference to a child’s experience following their parents’ separation.
  • Professionals say that the biggest obstacles to changing family separation language are habit, and client expectations.

The Family Solutions Group, backed by Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, is calling for a radical change in outdated and combative language used by lawyers, courts, media and wider public in cases of family separation. The call comes on the anniversary of the No Fault Divorce, (Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020), the biggest shake up in divorce law for more than half a century, which came into force on 6 April 2022, ending the need for separating couples to apportion blame for the breakdown of their marriage, helping them instead to focus on practical decisions involving children or their finances.

Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, addressing a Family Solutions Group event said:

“It’s blindingly obvious that the language we have been using is not appropriate and only goes to stoke the minds of those in a combative mindset, rather than direct them in a different way.”

“…this is not a custody fight, it’s a coming together of parents to work together to reduce the impact on their children and help them resolve their issues about the arrangements for their children, in as low a temperature as possible.”

“And bit by bit the penny is dropping. The language is important. I want to do all I can to bring about a change in the way we use language in the court.”

The Family Solutions Group, set up by Sir Stephen Cobb in 2020, say that battle-stoked language and words like ‘custody’, ‘dispute’ and ‘versus’ can heighten conflict between parents, and can have a long-term negative impact on children caught in the middle. They argue that a simple change in the language of family separation away from adversity and battles, towards safety, wellbeing, and child welfare could improve outcomes for parents and their children.

The Family Solutions Group’s call for change is informed by recent polls of over 400 professionals to find out which words are most harmful and helpful, plus a survey completed by 228 professionals.

  • The Family Solutions Group survey found that a majority (99%) of professionals said that the language legal professionals use affects separating clients’ mindsets and their behaviour, and that small changes in language could affect a child’s experience following their parents’ separation.
  • Professionals were asked whether a move away from legal jargon to plain English in client correspondence and case paperwork could improve outcomes and reduce conflict: 86% strongly agreed and 14% said it might have a positive impact.
  • 98% said that using clients’ first names, rather than words like ‘Applicant’, could also make a difference.
  • Professionals cited the biggest barriers to changing family separation language were: habit 50%, client expectations 22%, vested interests 10% and 5% apathy.
  • Over 400 professionals working with separating families, including mediators, barristers, solicitors, judges, family legal advisors, Cafcass, parent coordinators, relationship therapists, contact centres and clinical psychologists attended three workshops in January, February and March and contributed to polls about language.
  • The words custody, dispute, contact, versus, rights, battle and opponent were thought to be the most harmful and damaging, and their continued use sets the tone for acrimonious parental separation and child arrangements. Specifically, stopping using the word “versus” in court headings, like in the high-profile 1979 Kramer vs. Kramer film, could remove the “battle” element.

The phrase ‘custody’ dates back from another era and is loaded with inappropriate connotations of possession and property.  This was removed from the law by The Children Act 1989 and yet 30 years on it is still widely used across media, social media and by the public.

It’s shocking that harmful terms like ‘custody’ are still commonplace in our society and the media, despite every effort to remove them. The ‘fighting talk’ so often used in the context of family separation sets parents against each other, escalating family problems and putting children at risk.  A ‘custody battle’ suggests a tug of war between parents for the control of their child, with parents pulling against each other. Not only is this 30 years out of date, but it’s harmful to children, unhelpful for parents and ultimately damaging to society.”

In these days of increasing awareness of the impact of language upon minority groups, it is extraordinary that there is such a blind spot over the impact of language on families who separate.  The simple truth is that fuelling aggression and battles between parents increases the risk of harm to their children. Our language should reflect a problem-solving approach rather than stoke the fire of a battle.”

It’s clear from our workshops and survey that it’s time for a major culture shift in our language, as people understand the impact on children. There is now a groundswell of support among family law professionals to dial down their language, replacing adversarial and battle-laden terms with forwards-looking and solutions-focused language.  This is all about protecting child welfare which, under the Children Act, should be our paramount consideration.”

We are grateful to the President of the Family Division for highlighting this important issue and leading the call for change.

The Family Solutions Group is marshalling widespread support across all family legal sectors in calling for the end to the use of unnecessary hostile and combative language in family separation.

About Helen

Helen read law at Cambridge and qualified as a solicitor in 1990. Her legal career started with a leading private client practise in London, and she then moved to a High Street practise to broaden her experience. Following a career break she decided not to return to work as a solicitor, limited to representing one parent, and in 2007 retrained as a mediator. She is a founding Partner of Wells Family Mediation and works with clients online, and in person in Tunbridge Wells and Central London.

Helen is one of the foundation trainers for the Family Mediators’ Association and also a Professional Practise Consultant and a Child Consultant. She is an advocate of bringing the voice of the child into mediation and expects age-appropriate children to be offered the opportunity to be consulted.

She promotes an integrated approach to mediation and, as well as working with other professionals within mediation, encourages her clients to seek legal, financial, personal or parenting support outside of the mediation meetings.

Helen is also involved with family policy work. She was the mediator representative on the Private Law Working Group and in 2020, was invited to set up and chair the Family Solutions Group. It’s report “What About Me?“, focusing on the needs of the child following family separation, was published later that year. Helen continues to chair the Family Solutions Group and their paper “Language Matters” was published in September 2022.

Helen is a regular speaker on the need to reframe support for families following separation to be less adversarial and more child-focussed. She delivered the John Cornwell memorial lecture at the Family Mediators’ Association Conference in 2021, and the Bridget Lindley memorial lecture at the Family Justice Council Conference in 2022.

Helen was awarded ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ and ‘Child-Inclusive Mediator of the Year’ at the National Mediation Awards in 2022.

Helen’s clear and unshakeable professional goal is to support parents, where safe to do so, to handle their separation in a way which enables them to cooperate as parents for the years ahead, to the lasting benefit of their children.

I'm Divorcing - Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?
Photo by Cytonn Photography on Unsplash.
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I’m Divorcing – Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

For separating couples, mediation can be a highly effective way of avoiding a lengthy, costly, and drawn-out Court divorce in which children are often caught up in the crossfire.

To help more couples in this situation, the Government has launched and extended a Family Mediation Voucher Scheme to encourage more people to undergo mediation.

What is the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme?

The publicly funded scheme helps separating couples to resolve their family law disputes outside of Court, giving them up to £500 towards the costs of mediation.

Both people involved need to agree to take part – and only Mediators like me who are authorised by the Family Mediation Council (FMC) can conduct the sessions.

How do I know if I’m eligible?

Most divorcing couples are required by law to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM). At this session a qualified mediator assesses whether mediation is appropriate for your individual case – and if you qualify for the scheme.

Eligible cases must involve a dispute or court application involving a child, although the sessions can also cover related issues around finances.

Which cases do NOT qualify for the funding?

  • If you’re applying for a consent order
  • If any children are involved in emergency proceedings, care proceedings or supervision proceedings
  • If any of the children are the subject of an emergency protection order, care order or supervision order

Where there are allegations of domestic abuse, the mediator will carefully assess with the person alleging that abuse whether mediation is suitable.

What happens if I quality?

Your mediator will apply for the voucher funding, paid directly to them when the mediation is concluded. Vouchers are limited and the mediation sessions can be attended together or separately.

Will the £500 cover all mediation costs?

This depends upon the mediator’s fees and the number of sessions needed. The voucher is intended to be a contribution towards mediation sessions.

What happens if the mediation doesn’t work?

You and your ex should take advice as to the options available.  Ultimately, if all else fails, you can make an application to go to Court.

What happens if the mediation is successful?

The arrangements agreed in mediation can be put into a document which is often known as a “parenting plan” which you can then both sign.  This provides a useful record of your agreement.

A parenting plan does not have the status of a court order.  However, court orders are not usually necessary or desirable in children cases.

The law (The Children Act 1989) works on the basis of the “non-intervention principle”. Put simply, the law recognises that parents are much better placed to parent than a court and so orders will only be made where necessary in the best interests of a child.

If you can agree, then an order is often not necessary. An order made when children are young will often become a straight jacket by the time they are older.  It makes sense for you to continue to review what your children need as they grow up, and this is much easier to do in mediation than in repeated court applications.

In our extensive experience, along with speed and cost, mediation helps to minimise the damaging fallout from a separation, enabling both parents and their children to move forward.

For more information on the scheme visit Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Click here for more articles from Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers, a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York.

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

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