Family Law in Partnership - Page 7

Amongst family lawyers, January is commonly known as “divorce month”.

Having kept it together over Christmas, people decide to make a fresh start in the new year. Some people, however, decide that they can’t wait and ask for a divorce over the holidays. If you’re thinking of being one of them, here are some points to consider.

Can you keep it civil?

If you’re not safe, then you need to end the relationship and get yourself to a safe place as quickly as possible. If, however, you are safe, the next question is whether you and your partner can keep it civil over the holidays.

If you can, then you might be better waiting until the “January rush” has passed. This can make it much easier to get hold of the necessary professionals e.g. lawyers. You could still use this time productively. For example, you could get relationship counselling and/or mediation.

If you can’t, then you need to think about whether or not telling your partner you want a divorce will improve the situation. Depending on your relationship, it may clear the air and allow you both to agree on a path forward. On the other hand, it may turn the situation from bad to worse.

Have you explored all other options?

You may want to look at counselling, both individually and as a couple, before you take any final decisions. Individual counselling can help you to clarify if the state of your marriage is actually the cause of your issues or a symptom of them.

Relationship counselling looks at the dynamics between you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not it saves your marriage, it can put you on a stronger footing to deal with each other respectfully going forward. This is vital if you have children and useful if you don’t.

You might also want to look at options such as an informal trial separation and/or legal separation. These can be used instead of or as a precursor to a formal divorce. Legal separations can be complex and are best discussed with legal advice. They can, however, be very useful as a way to ease a long marriage to a gentle end.

Have you already taken care of the practicalities?

So-called “quickie” divorces are only really an option for short marriages, with minimal assets and no children when both parties are in total agreement about what they want. They do certainly happen but they’re the minority of divorce cases.

Most divorces involve at least some legal and financial administration. If the marriage has been long and/or there are significant assets involved, then this can be a very complex process. This is before you get to any child-custody and child-support arrangements.

If you’ve already looked into these, then it may be reasonable to confirm to your partner that you’ve decided you definitely want a divorce. If you haven’t, then there may be very little point in mentioning it over the holidays. It will sour the atmosphere without taking you any closer to your goal.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors and are experienced in all matters relating to divorce, civil partnerships, cohabitation disputes and collaborative law.

Good Divorce Week spans November 30 – December 4 and champions reducing conflict in relationship breakdowns and the damage – sometimes long lasting – it can cause to children.

As a niche family law firm we promote alternative ways to achieve a ‘good’ divorce which is in the best interests of children, their parents and their wider families.

The following formula promotes a spirit of mutual cooperation and fairness:

Always put your children first

The current unprecedented pandemic has further exacerbated the challenges facing estranged couples and parents beset with fears of job losses, concerns over co-parenting and child arrangements, maintenance and financial issues.

We encourage parents to keep communication channels open and to devise a parenting plan which boosts trust. Avoid arguing or criticising each other in front of your children and reassure them that your separation is not their fault.

Undergo Mediation

This spirit of cooperation extends to undergoing Mediation which can help couples resolve their differences and find solutions to move forward positively.

An impartial third party ‘the mediator’ helps them discuss issues confidentially and find workable agreements. With mediation agreements can be reached a great deal more quickly and cost effectively than by using the court process or in solicitors’ correspondence.

Ongoing communication also limits the emotional damage which follows in the wake of an acrimonious battle. Our specialist lawyers are experienced mediators and can offer online mediation.

Discuss future financial arrangements

The starting point for divorce is sorting out finances and disclosing assets such as your home, pensions, savings and trusts. Making decisions in the midst of life changing events isn’t easy – especially with the upheaval caused by the current pandemic. Our experts will advise and guide you through the process.

Appoint a lawyer who is a Resolution member

Good Divorce Week is organised by Resolution – an organisation of family lawyers and fellow professionals.

Jones Myers – a long standing member of Resolution (I am also a former national chair) – follows Resolution’s code of practice and is committed to dealing with relationship breakdown issues in a constructive and non-confrontational manner.

Enlist emotional support

Managing the emotional fall out of divorce is crucial. Our holistic approach and long-standing partnerships with wide ranging professionals ensure our clients regionally, nationally and internationally have access to counsellors and therapists. We can also assist with access to information on issues such as tax advice.

Reducing trauma, conflict and emotional conflict in the early stages of divorce and separation can pave the way for a more healthy and positive future that will help ensure children’s well being and happiness in the months, years and decades ahead.  

During Good Divorce Week Jones Myers is offering 30 minutes of free legal or professional advice to those who need it.

Click here for more articles by Peter Jones

ABOUT PETER JONES

Peter Jones is one of the country’s leading divorce and family lawyers. A qualified arbitrator and mediator, Peter set up Jones Myers as the first niche family law firm in the north of England in 1992 and has acted for a string of high-profile clients.

Renowned for his sympathetic approach, Peter is the current chair of Resolution’s Accreditation Committee, a former national chairman of Resolution and a former Deputy District Judge. www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Breaking up is famously hard to do, but sadly it’s a fact of modern life and in reality it probably really is better than two people sticking in a relationship which has clearly run its course “for the children”.

When there are children involved, the law will put their needs right at the forefront during any divorce proceedings and, hopefully, both parents will do likewise.

It is, however also important to remember that parents need to take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of their children and that this includes their mental health as well as their physical health.

This can be particularly true for dads as they are often the ones who move out of what was the family home and have to deal with the notorious stress of moving home as well as the stress of the divorce and of becoming a “live-out dad”.

With that in mind, here are five tips on how dads can stay positive during divorce (which will also apply to unmarried couples with children who are going through a break up).

Get your employer on your side

You may want to keep it private that you are going through a divorce, but there is a big difference between telling your employer and telling your workmates.

If necessary you can usually bypass your line manager and go direct to HR, although in reality it may be helpful for your line manager to know your situation.

Most employers will be sympathetic and will do what they can to help, especially these days when employers, by and large, are becoming more aware of the importance of being able to balance work with family responsibilities.

Tell the people who need to know on your own terms

It may sound brutal, but in these days of the internet in general and social media in particular, it is probably going to be extremely difficult to keep rumours about your divorce out of general circulation for any length of time, especially not once you actually move out of the family home (in fact from that point on, you should probably take it as impossible).

Beat the internet gossips by telling the people who need to know on your own terms. This will be best for them and you.

Work on your physical fitness

There is a strong link between physical health and mental health so make time to work on your physical wellbeing (or to keep working on it if you are already active).

Even if money is tight, there are many and various affordable ways to exercise regardless of whether you prefer to work out alone or as part of a group, at home or at a gym or outdoors.

If you are already a gym-goer and are thinking of giving up your membership to save cash, then make sure that you are being honest with yourself that this is the real reason (and not that you are making an excuse for losing motivation) and then make an informed decision about what it was you liked about the gym and how you could either take that with you or recreate it in another way.

For example, if you have your gym buddies, you can give them your contact details and keep in touch socially in another way, then use some of the money you saved on your gym membership to join an online gym class while exercising at home.

Keep eating properly

This is really picking up from the above point. Our eating habits can be massively influenced by our emotions, some people comfort eat, others lose their appetite.

Practicalities can play a role too, if you’ve moved out of the family home then your kitchen facilities may not be what they were and if you’re rushing about trying to navigate your way around a new routine, then it can be only too easy to skip meals or turn to junk food.

Compromising your diet can compromise both your physical and mental health so do your level best to eat the way you’d like to see your children eat.

The same comments apply to what you drink, excess alcohol is obviously to be avoided but you also want to steer clear of excess caffeine and of excess fizzing drinks especially of the sort which are advertised as energy drinks.

Consider some form of therapy to help you manage your emotions

Therapy can range from buying downloadable guided meditations (from reputable sources) to visiting online forums, to going to real-world support groups to having one-on-one sessions with a counsellor or therapist.

In fact, you may opt for a combination of any or all of the above depending on your situation, needs and wants. If budget is an issue, then your local GP may be able to help as mental health is now much more of a priority than it used to be.

Keep your eyes on the prize of maintaining a good relationship with your children

You’re breaking up with your ex not with your children. You will always be your children’s dad and nothing can ever change that. Keep this thought front and centre in your every decision and every action.

Hard as it may be, try to focus on what you can do rather than dwelling on what you can’t.

For example, instead of smarting over the fact that you cannot be there in person to read your children a bedtime story and then kiss them goodnight, focus on the fact that you can still read your children a bedtime story over the internet.

Nobody’s pretending that this is as good as being there in person, but it is a whole lot better than nothing and men who have to work away from home (for example members of the armed forces) often maintain good relationships with their children even when they’re at a distance by making sure that they are in regular contact with their children and playing a meaningful role in their lives.

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About Karim Assad

Karim Assaad is a partner in the Family Department of Fletcher Day.

Fletcher Day have an experienced team of family solicitors in London who specialise in divorce, civil partnerships, prenuptial agreements and financial settlements.

Christmas is a stressful time of year for everyone, even more so for divorcees who may be spending the holidays alone for the first time in their lives.

Despite the stress and strain of the festive period, Christmas is ultimately about spending time with loved ones and spreading festive cheer (and the food, of course).

But some aren’t fortunate enough to be surrounded by their nearest and dearest, and for newly divorced couples it can often be a hard reality to face.

With this in mind, let’s look at 4 top tips that will help every divorcee survive the Christmas period.

Don’t Spend Christmas Alone

At the top of the list for obvious reasons, it is important that you don’t spend the holidays alone. You should make the effort to surround yourself with family and friends who care about you.

Understandably, you may be not be feeling very cheery after the breakdown of your marriage, but surrounding yourself with family and friends that care about you will go a long way in lifting your spirits.

Even if visiting your loved ones on Christmas Day isn’t practical, you should still make the effort to see family and friends. You could get in touch with old school friends and arrange a reunion or simply catch up with a trusted family member and talk to them about how you’re dealing with divorce.

Simply put, try not to isolate yourself at Christmas. Just because you’re facing a tough time it doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for letting loose and embracing single life again.

Be Patient

If this is your first Christmas alone post-divorce, then festivities can often feel overwhelming. The stress of your divorce paired with general Christmas madness can leave you screaming into the abyss, but having a little patience (both with yourself and those around you) can make the world of difference.

If you feel as if your emotions are building up and up and up, ready to explode at any minute, then taking time out to focus on your wellbeing is an absolute must. It can be difficult to come to terms with your relationship breakdown and seeing other couples happy at Christmas sometimes heightens these emotions.

Remove yourself from the situations making you unhappy, go into an unoccupied and quiet room, take time to breathe and calm yourself down.

Meditation has also proven helpful when dealing with trauma and meditation techniques can help to promote serenity. Being patient with yourself rather than letting your emotions get the better of you can save you a lot of regret and stress in the future.

Make New Traditions

With marriage often comes children, and divorce will play a huge part in how Christmas traditions change for them once their parents separate. Of course some things will change as a result of your divorce, but making the most of a bad situation for the sake of your children is in everyone’s best interests.

You can introduce some new fun festive traditions for your children such as two different Christmas Days, one with mum and one with dad.You should also communicate with your ex-partner and come to an agreement regarding who the children spend Christmas with.

Above all, you should put the needs of your children before your own. You may desperately want to spend Christmas day with them but arguing with your ex-partner about custody rights could upset your children and ruin the magical season. You should try to compromise, and if you can’t see your children until a few days after Christmas, try and make the time spent together as special as possible.

Help those Less Fortunate

As a divorcee you can feel like the most unfortunate person in the world, and whilst your sadness at this difficult time is completely justified, it can often help to put things in perspective by helping those less fortunate than yourself.

Christmas is supposed to be about spreading cheer and love, and what better way to do that than to volunteer throughout the festive period. If you find yourself alone this Christmas, then creating new traditions and helping those in need is a great way to make the most of the holiday season.

Volunteering at Christmas time is a win-win – you get to help those less fortunate and at the same time distract yourself from your own troubling personal circumstances by surrounding yourself with new and like-minded friends.

Now that’s a lot to take in, especially when your head has been left spinning thanks to divorce proceedings and frantic Christmas planning – so instead of overwhelming yourself, why not try to bear in mind one or two top tips throughout the festive season. And you never know, a change in tradition could be the best thing that’s happened to you!

Click here for more articles by Kerry Smith

ABOUT KERRY

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.