Your Emotions - Page 5

Divorce can trigger a roller coaster of emotions, from anger and grief to relief and hope - explore the complex emotional landscape of divorce, offering guidance on recognizing, understanding, and healthily processing your feelings. Learn strategies for emotional resilience, self-compassion, and moving forward with a positive mindset.

Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash.
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Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation

Katy Duff
Katy Duff
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Power dynamics within a relationship often continue to play out during and after a separation. This can make coming to a final agreement about children or finances challenging even with the advent of no-fault divorce. The following tips are useful to keep in mind when you are going through a separation and things can feel overwhelming.

It is not ‘aggressive’ to instruct a lawyer

It can take real strength and courage to make the decision to separate, likewise to instruct a solicitor to help you through the process. Seeking a professional’s help to guide you is entirely sensible and reasonable. It should empower you to think about next steps, the future and what is right for you.

Focus only on what you can control

It is not a valuable use of your time and energy when trying to separate and heal to predict or anticipate your ex-partner’s/spouse’s behaviour, as this will  cause unnecessary worry and stress for you. Rather, your focus should be on navigating your own way.

Don’t negotiate against yourself

Don’t  stop yourself from putting forward proposals or requests that are in your interest because you think they will not be accepted by your ex-partner/spouse. With the support of a professional team, you will be aware of all the different options open to you. This should allow you to feel comfortable in what you are suggesting, knowing that in doing so you are still working towards a practical solution for everyone.

Identifying difficult behaviour

It can be hard to manage difficult behaviours from your ex-partner/spouse after you separate, but. you do not need to do so alone. You should speak to your solicitor about any particular concerns and how you expect your ex-partner may react to a suggestion or a proposal. Professionals can guide the case forward with a better understanding of when challenging conduct may arise and how this might feed into wider patterns of behaviour.

Delegating management of the short term

Once patterns of behaviour are identified they can be navigated. Your solicitor should give thought to how final orders (in children or finances matters) will operate when professionals are no longer involved. For example, clear and ambiguous wording will be needed to make clear the terms of an agreement so that you are not embroiled in lengthy and difficult correspondence when implementing an order or discussing the practicalities for handovers at the weekend. This will only foster continuity and stability so that you and your children feel certain about the arrangements. You should speak to your solicitor about any points you think will be tricky in future and they should do the same.

Make the process work for you

Difficult personalities may deliberately time emails and correspondence to you or your solicitor at awkward moments to disrupt arrangements or your general wellbeing, i.e. a letter changing contact arrangements on the cusp of the weekend or a proposal for financial settlement sent late on a Friday afternoon. To prevent this, you can discuss and agree adopting a working practice with your solicitor. For example, you could ask that correspondence received on a Friday afternoon is sent to you on a Monday unless it is absolutely critical for your attention that day. This will allow you to prioritise and reclaim your time and space. Trust your solicitor to let you know whether you need to see something today or first thing next week after you have had two days to pause and reflect.

What about controlling or coercive behaviour?

Controlling or coercive behaviour is an act or pattern of acts of threatening, humiliating or intimidatory behaviour designed to make a person subordinate, isolated and frightened. It is insidious, unacceptable conduct that no one should have to tolerate, involving  behaviour that goes beyond typical disputes in a separation.

If abuse is identified as an element in a case you can work with your solicitor to ensure the risks to you, your children and your case overall are managed appropriately, in order to protect and prioritise the wellbeing of you and your family. The legal system should not be used to perpetrate further abuse and the courts are increasingly sensitive to litigation being weaponised in this way.

You should be able to participate in discussions, negotiations and or proceedings without risk or fear for your mental, physical or economic wellbeing or that of your children. Attention to detail and a wider understanding of historic behaviour is key to helping your solicitor in understanding the situation. This will allow them to tailor their approach and ensure you receive the support you need throughout your separation.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be positive but realistic

Even the most straightforward separation can often throw up unexpected and unforeseen issues. Your solicitor is there to guide you through divorce, but no two cases are ever the same. You are at the start of the rest of your life and that will take time. There will be delays, deadlines and counterpart solicitors who simply don’t respond. Sometimes it will be slow. Your solicitor will be doing all they can to keep you out of court (or they should be) and if they’re not, they should be explaining why, so that you know what the next step looks like. Court should always be a last resort but don’t overlook it as an option and a way to put in place a timetable that you and your partner can work towards with consequences if you don’t.

Seek support

You should feel supported at every stage as you move forward with the next stage of your life. There are many specialist organisations and professionals with particular understanding of the difficulties inherent in relationship breakdowns. There is no shame in seeking additional professional support including from a therapist, divorce coach or independent financial advisor (and your solicitor will be able to refer you to their connections in these spheres). They will also be alert when it sometimes may not be obvious that help is needed, so be open to exploring those options. Having a network of friends, family and professionals on hand can be key to guide you through the challenges of the process of separation and divorce and get you safely to the other side.

Read more articles by Burgess Mee Family Law.

About Katy Duff

Katy Duff is a solicitor at Burgess Mee, an award-winning specialist family law firm in London. Katy advises on a broad range of issues including divorce, matrimonial finance, financial claims for unmarried parents and matters involving children. She has specialist experience of cases with issues of domestic abuse. She is co-chair of Resolution’s National Domestic Abuse Committee.

Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce
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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce

Gemma Scourfield
Gemma Scourfield
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce can often cast a shadow on your mental well-being amidst the whirlwind of legal proceedings, daily responsibilities, and emotional upheaval. Understanding that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed is the first step in safeguarding your mental health. According to research from Science Direct, the emotional distress of ending a relationship intensifies when children are involved, introducing feelings of guilt alongside a myriad of other emotions. This is echoed by findings from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which indicate that children also deeply feel the impact of their parents’ separation, potentially leading to emotional and behavioural issues.

In 2022 alone, England and Wales saw approximately 80,000 divorces, underscoring the prevalence of marital breakdowns and the importance of managing their emotional consequences. It’s essential for parents navigating mental health in divorce to seek support not only for themselves but also for their children. Resources like those provided by the Royal College of Psychiatrists can be invaluable during these trying times.

Legal support plays a pivotal role in mitigating stress during divorce. Opting for a lawyer who prioritizes non-confrontational approaches can alleviate much of the emotional strain. It’s important to choose a solicitor who communicates clearly, without overwhelming you with legal jargon, and respects your pace throughout the decision-making process. Inquiring about fixed fees can also prevent financial concerns from adding to your stress.

Moreover, if you find the emotional toll of divorce challenging to bear, remember that support is available. Organizations such as Parenting Lives, Relate, and Family Lives offer advice, support, and resources to help you manage stress and navigate the emotional journey of divorce.

Remember, taking steps to protect your mental health in divorce is not just crucial for your well-being but also for your children’s. Amidst the chaos of divorce, prioritising self-care and seeking appropriate support can pave the way for healing and resilience.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Gemma Scourfield

Gemma is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors based in Pembrokeshire West Wales. She has been based in Wales since qualifying in 2007 although has clients throughout the UK and abroad. In 2016, Gemma was accredited as an Advanced Family Law Panel Member with the Law Society which recognises her expertise in domestic abuse and financial relief.

Gemma qualified as a family law solicitor in 2007, she joined Woolley & Co from a regional firm in Wales in August 2021.

Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce Interview
Thumbnail for the YouTube Video "Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 7) - Jules Anderson"
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Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Jules Anderson
Jules Anderson
Functional Health Coach and Founder of feelglorious.com

Introducing our latest transcript blog featuring an enlightening interview with Jules Anderson, a distinguished Natural Health and Nutrition Consultant. In this insightful conversation, Jules shares invaluable wisdom on nurturing your mind and body not just during, but after a divorce.

Join us as we delve into practical strategies for protecting your mind and physical health during a turbulent period. Get ready to be inspired and empowered as we explore the transformative power of taking care of yourself mentally and nutritionally.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce.”

 

Today we have Jules. Welcome everybody to The Divorce Magazine it’s an online magazine that deals with all aspects of divorce and um, all the contributors that we have on The Divorce Magazine such as Jules are all professionals so we don’t have bloggers and um, people who just kind of know a little bit of something about something, we have professionals who contribute to The Divorce Magazine all the time except where somebody is writing um, an article about their own experience of divorce.

So today we have Jules, Jules Anderson, I used to be a client of Jules Anderson a few years ago and I still remember some of the things that you said to me in terms of nutrition and health. So I’ll tell you a little bit about Jules.

Jules has a degree um, a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in Anatomy and Physiology, she’s a trained Integrative Nutritionist and Functional Medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance Practitioner. Jules specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity, and health span, enabling people to live better, for longer. Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science and technologies as you can see from her um, qualifications they just all fall into place, as well as natural approaches and behavioural psychology, to create vibrant health and that actually lasts.

And um, yeah I just started off by saying that I still remember what and this was maybe in 20 I don’t know, 14 or something like that where you, I was your client and I still remember stuff that you said to me. So that actually lasts. Yes it does last. Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011, and works internationally with individuals and businesses such as Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Uncommon, Green King, Telus Communication, and wework, and those are just some of them I know there others Jules we haven’t put on there.

She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing, and Time & Leisure magazines. She’s the creator of Thrive, which is a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals, you know who you are, we know, I know who I am, in that way exhausted professionals, to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy, and transform performance and wellbeing. So welcome Jules so good to have you and thanks so much for being one of our interviewers on The Divorce Magazine. Oh it’s an absolute pleasure, so good to be speaking with you. Is there anything I’ve missed out on to mention Jules from your biography or? It’s all, I think that’s all the main elements there’s obviously lots more but um, that’s, that’s me in a nutshell. Okay and then in the end we’ll, we’ll give you a website and so people know where to find you yeah? Yeah.

What Should Somebody Going Through Divorce Keep in Mind in Terms of Nurturing and Wellbeing?

Okay so Jules here we are, Divorce Magazine, and we’re talking about nutrition and wellbeing when you’re going through divorce and I just wanted your take on this, what would you say to somebody who’s going through divorce because sometimes we reach out for the easiest, you know coping skills, or strategies. But what would you ask somebody or people who are going through divorce to keep in mind in terms of naturing and wellbeing?

Well one of the main issues I find is because divorce can be such a long drawn out process, and it can be really stressful there’s uncertainty, there’s navigating sort of, the legal system which for most people is really unfamiliar um, and that can be um,  and then you’re trying to balance managing your, your children’s health and managing your own, you know self and juggling work and all the responsibilities you already have with this additional stressful process, prioritising your health and managing those stress levels, being aware of the toll that it’s taking on you.

Because, and I’ve so many of my clients are going through some kind of turbulent upheaval in their, in their private life, and it’s had knock on effects on their health, and often I’m seeing people at the tail end of that. So the one thing I’d always encourage people to look at, is actually really prioritising your health as you’re going through it, to help you manage it better, to help you make better decisions along the way because sometimes when you’re, it’s very common to reach for sugar, and comfort foods, and bottles of wine, and things that might, a little bit of short term relief. But what often happens is people end up relying on them too much and when the process has gone on for a long time, they become a coping mechanism that’s actually not really helping and often just exacerbating the problem because they have knock on effects on your mental health, on the quality of your sleep and actually exacerbating the stress that you’re already feeling.

So whilst I would never say to someone go full on, on a you know, embark on some new rigid um, restrictive regime in terms of health, nurturing your health in a more gentle way, through the whole process will mean that you don’t end up like some of my clients, falling off the waterfall um, at the end, rather than actually if you address it sooner, when you emerge from divorce, you’re emerging with some strength and some resilience still intact.

How Do I Know if I Need to Change the Way That I’m Managing? What Would My Body Tell Me?

Yeah so if, if I what, what would you because you’re talking about nurturing, you know and being aware of how, you know, how to cope, with the whole process and I’m just wondering how do I know if I need to change the way that I’m, I’m, I’m managing? What would, what would my body tell me? Is it that I wouldn’t be sleeping well? Would I be shouting at the children? Would I just be exhausted, brain fog? Are those the kind of signs that you know something needs to change, um, when you’re going through a, you know divorce or separation?

Yeah, those are all really typical even in term, in even without the, going through an official divorce process, even if you’re just having problems with your primary relationship, yeah, it those the, the impact of those um, extra emotional stresses, people will often find they’re not sleeping. We often find that we are more irritable, more snappy, more this is to do with our sort of our stress hormones interact with other hormones in our body, so the stress hormones interact with our metabolic hormones, so like, like our sort of insulin release, it affects our sugar levels and that can make you more, crabby and more and, and your energy erratic um, it affects the, the sort of neurotransmitters going on in your brain so it’ll affect how fulfilled and, and all those kind of endorphin levels get depleted because you’re, you’re burning up with, with too many stress hormones so it tips the balance of, all of those in your body.

So typically it’s mood uh, sleep, cravings are really common um, and you do seek and crave out sweet foods um, and you’ll look for, you’ll, people seek those out and I always, people say “oh how much is too much?” And, and “how do I know?” Well, if you actually just sit back, most people can, can judge themselves when a small glass of wine at the end of the day, or a little piece of chocolate as a treat um, is, is just that, just to take the edge off what can be a really stressful time.

Most people if they really thought about it and honest with themselves would know when it’s tipping into, I’m just relying on that now, it’s like I need chocolate, I need a drink. Rather than I’m just going to have that just as a, a nice little extra treat you know I’m gonna let myself have that. Yeah, okay.

What Happens to Our Body When We’re Going Through Stress?

Yeah and um, because one of the things that you know, we’ve talked a lot about here already is the stress. And I was actually just talking about stress with my daughters the other day, and saying that stress is, actually a thing, it’s not just you know what we so used to saying, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, but stress in itself can actually be a thing that can be so detrimental to your health, right? And I was wondering if we can just touch on, you know the body’s response to stress what, what happens to the body when we’re going through stress? I just want people to know that it is actually a thing it’s, it’s not just a word!

Yeah, we, we have it we use it so much these days as if it is this kind of free flowing concept, yeah, people are always having so stressed but what happens is it’s a, it’s an evolutionary, biological response and a survival mechanism. So, as, as we evolved, we, and it’s designed in our bodies as a response to keep us safe. So if you think back um, back in you know thousands of years ago, we were having to escape from predators. So you know a tiger would appear, a tiger’s going to eat us, we have to, our body stimulates a response that gets us super alert and primes our muscles. So all, all the body’s attention is going into the systems in the body that are going to make us run like the clappers and get away from the tiger.

Um, and that’s meant to be a really short-term response. What it also does in turning on those body systems, for the alertness for the muscle strength, it’s turning off every other system in the body that it deems unnecessary. So, things like digestion. Things like reproduction, because the last thing, if you’re running away from a tiger, the last thing you’re going to do is stop to have a bagel um, you know you don’t, your body doesn’t need to be digesting food, yeah, it’s why a lot of people who are highly stressed have problems conceiving, because the body doesn’t deem, reproduction necessary when it’s in survival mode. So it will turn off and restrict all those processes that lead to healthy reproduction. It’s the same with sleep, the last thing your body needs is to be feeling sleepy when it needs to escape a predator you need to be super alert, so the body can go into, in, in short term it’s really valuable, but in long term most of us now aren’t suffering from short term um, survival threatening stresses, but we are suffering, from a drip feed of chronic, small stressors.

Whether it’s I’m late for a meeting and my child won’t put his shoes on um, or, you know someone’s cut me up when I’m trying to get out of my driveway, or all those small those small, everyday stresses, like I’m working to a deadline or I’m late for something, they’re al,l they will have the same response in the body, because the body isn’t differentiating between the type of stress, but what we’re getting is a is a drip feed of stress hormones into our system, when what we’re designed to do is have a huge um, a sort of massive influx of stress hormones, and then a very quick release of them, and then we can all we can relax afterwards.

Yeah, um, and what happens when we’ve got long-term drip feed of stress hormones um, it’s affecting, we’ve got complete hormone imbalance, but then also our body gets locked in this hypervigilant mode, which makes us anxious, it stops us sleeping, because stress hormones don’t want us to sleep. So if you’ve got too many stress hormones in your body, it’s why we’re wide awake in the middle of the night because, it’s a hormonal imbalance in our body due to stress.

Do you then just feel like um, because as you’re speaking even when you’re talking about the drip, you know, of stress I’m feeling it I’m thinking oh my gosh, yeah, that can be just there’s no moment of rest and maybe that’s when people start becoming um, snappy with their children, or during divorce processes if, as soon as you see a text message from your ex um, spouse you’re already like, and maybe they’re just sending a message saying “stuck in traffic” um, “running late will be there in 10.” And immediately you see that you’re already like oh my God it’s always late, she’s always late, you know and you’re already just, you know worked up even before anything has happened cause you have this stress just, running through your, your body.

If we think about trigger it’s because we’re super sensitive as the way we would be if we we’ve got up a tree, but we know the Tiger’s still there and it can climb! Relax, and the least sound, even just leaf snapping, is going to make your whole body jolt and that’s, that’s.

What Can Someone Do Nutritionally or Wellbeing Wise to Relieve Stress?

What would you suggest what would you suggest in terms of because, I know even working with, with some of the clients that I work with where there’s they’re very, very I would say stuck in this um, stress situation where you don’t understand what he’s doing, you don’t understand what she’s doing, you know even shifting from there, what would you suggest either nutritionally, wellbeing, that a person in that state, where they’re really stuck in an acrimonious divorce does for themselves?

You know one of the most healthy things that someone can do and, and the most almost instant, you can almost instantly access a different part of your nervous system, is and, it’s the technical term is kind of somatic exercises, or somatic awareness, which basically means your body, rather than your mind and it’s really interesting because even as we’re talking you were doing, you were actually doing this, and this is what I see in so many clients, we get we’re a very cerebral culture these days, and when you’re in the process of something like a divorce, we’re used to having to think our way through the process, because we’re so overwhelmed with new information, new situations and there’s so much going on in our heads, we add in this hypervigilance and, and there’s so much energy going on up here, that that becomes, we get stuck and it’s very difficult to think your way out of it. Yeah, and actually if you can access your, your body, our bodies have so much wisdom, again this is evolutionary biochemistry, not anything fluffy or, or woo woo or esoteric, but when we can access our, our body in a more visceral way, then it can take the energy out of our heads and back into our bodies.

So, anything from there’s so many different breathing techniques you can do, to get your breath, because we end up holding our breath, and that again is, is stopping a lot of processes in our body from going on, so just being aware of your breath and trying to kind of breathe into something. Uh techniques like yoga, anything that, or dancing, or walking outside in nature the real, the simple things that you read about all the time, the reason they make us feel good if they get us into our bodies. You can move around um, actually when you, if you watch an animal who’s run, or you know animals say dogs have been chasing each other in the park, or anything like that and they’ve expended a lot of energy a dog will shake, or an animal will shake, after a stressful situation. If you watch a nature program, and you know the deer have been running away from the, the you know the, the cheater or whoever’s chasing, them afterwards quite often these animals will shake themselves out, and that gets rid of a lot of the stress. Dissipates a lot of the stress hormones and the tension in the body.

So movement, any kind of movement to dissipate the tension um, you know which is why hot baths and showers can really help because we’re into our bodies and swimming um, things like that can really help, singing, things like singing really helped because, I did hear that actually from the vibration of the, yes, and this is to do with our, we’ve got something called the vagus nerve which is the, the, the nervous system that runs from our, we talk about our gut brain you know we have gut feelings, and we can get butterflies, we can get nervous tummy, and we’ve got this, communication that goes on between our guts and our brains, connected by something the vagus nerve, and things like singing really activate the vagus nerve, and what that does is it pulls us out of that fight or flight, which is all the release of hormones and chemicals that help us run away from Tigers, back into what’s sort of the it’s called the parasympathetic nervous system which is the rest, and digest, the peaceful the, you know the deer are all just grazing and having a great time and not, you know, with not care in the world um, and we need to be in that rest and digest mode for something like 90 – 95% of our day and we only need to be in that stress mode for about 5%. Um, and short bursts.

So anything yeah, movement, you know just moving, I remember I used, when I was going through my divorce and I didn’t even realise this but I used to love to dance in the kitchen, on my own like no one is watching to just like, you know dance put on my music and just dance, so I see why that can um, why I was doing it then um, so singing, also just using your voice um, also what else can, I love those and showers and you know, just something physiological that you’re, yeah. Things that help get you, into out, anything that gets you out of your head so for some people just going for a long walk, or going to the garden, or playing an instrument, or, you know there’s some, there’s certain things that people just you know, some people love going to all second-hand bookshops and just you know, mooting around those, anything that gets you into a, a sort of either that kind of what they call like a flow state where you lose track of time, but particularly where, you’re using your body.

You know people will go often, people will go for a run, I would never say to someone start running, or start going to the gym, or start doing an exercise regime, it’s like find the thing that you love, because the other thing about doing something that you love, is it stimulates another um, something called nitric oxide in the body which is very, good for your, sort of circulation it’s like a bit of a high it makes you feel good it’s a, it’s a sort of real feel good type molecule as well, as all the, it’s got some amazing benefits for things like cardiovascular health.

What Food Should You Avoid When Dealing With Stress or Going Through a Divorce?

What about um, food wise what to avoid when you’re going through divorce? We know sugar and alcohol, in plenty, you’re not saying don’t have any of it, but, what, what other foods can we avoid when we’re going through divorce and separation?

Those, those really are the, the main culprits. I always think when you’re in a situation like that where you’re struggling, that kind of combination of stress, sleep, and sugar, sort of three s’s, can become a real vicious cycle and the problem with sugar is the reason people do it, is because it gives you a burst of energy, which when people struggling through a divorce, any kind of little burst of energy to help get you through it, is helpful and that’s to do with the insulin release. But it also releases some endorphins, so you get a little bit of a high when you’ve had something nice and sweet um, but in the long term, it’s completely messing up that hormone balance, it’s also feeding your bad gut bacteria, and then it will lead to cravings and it’s the same with alcohol because you’ve got so much sugar in alcohol anyway, and it’s that same cycle.

Yeah, so I would always say and processed foods, any type of processed food, or low nutrient level, sort of junk foods, things with too many additives and artificial anything in them, yeah, it’s adding burden on your body and if it’s adding burden on your body system, that’s already over stressed, it’s almost like trying, you sort of got your scales there and you’ve tipped all these extra stresses on your body and then if you’re adding food that your body doesn’t recognise, it’s just tipping the scales even further into red because things like processed and junk foods or, you know highly sugared foods things lots of additives there, your body doesn’t know what to do with them. You don’t, not evolved to know what to do with a with a synthetic chemical, so our liver is frantically trying to detoxify it, our body can’t process it, often it’s storing things away in fat again to keep our body safe, it’s like well, almost you can shove it away in fat cells because toxins get stored in fat, so a lot of people find they gain weight, so there’s, there’s a lot of things that you can do to help you whilst again, I’m not about, as soon as you tell your body to stop something completely, all your brain will ever think about is that thing, if you say to someone don’t have any alcohol at all or don’t have any sugar, that’s the one thing that they just can’t stop thinking about.

So you’ve got to be able to let yourself be okay with having some, yeah, but there’s things that can stop you craving, because again, we talked about stress and sleep and they can they mess with your hormone balance and hormones that, that, that signal hunger and signal satisfaction get thrown out of balance as well, so, which is why you keep craving things, you can’t just have one glass of wine and you keep craving more, more, and more. It’s because your hormones have got knocked out of balance, yeah, and your I’m satisfied hormone isn’t working properly but if you start, rather than thinking about taking loads of stuff out, I always think if you put more things in, that help those hormones, help trigger satisfaction and trigger you know actually, do you know what, I don’t feel like I don’t feel hungry anymore, it’s going to reduce your need to eat in the first place.

I like that idea of um, instead of thinking what to take out, think about what to bring in that will then rebalance your hormones and, and, um your satisfaction you know, I guess hormones to tell you that you’ve had enough. I also like the fact that you’re not saying um, okay that’s it no more sugar, because sugar comes in so many things so I would spend my day looking, does this have sugar and already I’m stressed that I’m going through divorce, here comes my kid who’s screaming, I don’t have time to start looking and thinking does it have, go no I can’t have that, it’s more, you know slowly, and whatever works for you physically, you know in terms of, of enjoying it, it sounds so, so, naturing when you look at it like that it’s because we are people, we’re not little machines who can just switch on and off little things but this sounds so naturing and, and you know looked after, and looking after in the best way that we can at that moment, without being told you know that is x.

I always think the, the, the most successful approach in any kind of health approach, is one that you can maintain, because we don’t, you’re absolutely right we’re not creatures in a lab experiment, devoid of everything that’s going on around us, we’re real people, with messy lives often, with lots of stressors and lots of things we have to juggle, and then we’re all different.

We have individual circumstances, environments, we all have individual intolerances, and sugar and toxins and all of these things, and we have to be mindful of what suits us when we’re, when everything in life is going really well, is different to what’s going to suit us when we’re going through a quite a turbulent time emotionally, um, and practically and logistically you know, it’s not just an emotional issue divorce, you’ve got lots of extra responsibilities to deal with, there’s lots of anxiety over, finances, there’s lots of practical issues around gosh, so now I’m going to have to leave work at 5 to pick up kids because my partner’s not there and, and all of those things and take a massive toll and you have to take an individual approach, yeah, and do it in a way that brings all of those elements into play because it’s not as simple as, you know nutritionally, this is the ideal things that we should be eating, yeah, but we’re not one type of person, in one type of circumstance or just in a in a lab.

If you do small things on a daily basis it’s going to have far more effect than, trying to do big things in the short term because then you know, you can’t sustain them. If I, um, I mean one I, I need to say this because I, one of the things that has stuck with me since when we started working together, you know out of everything else, was um, remember how much I used to eat biscuits and I didn’t realise just how many biscuits I was eating in the day until we did the whole food check and um, nowadays I can just go for ages without even thinking about a biscuit. I can think to myself ‘oh yeah I’m going to get myself some custard creams’ and I have a couple and then I’m like, well that’s enough, you know you didn’t turn around and say that’s it Soila, no biscuits and look it, it lasted, and it’s worked, and it’s helped and amongst other things.

How Would You Start the Process if You Are Working With Someone Who is Going Through a Divorce?

But um, what I wanted to ask you Jules so you know you mentioned about your Thrive um, Programme, is that also for people going through divorce? Can it be for people going through divorce and separation? Is it for, and I ask this question knowing kind of like what the answer is it, is it for both male, female, them, any gender, sexuality, you know because talking about, okay let’s imagine that I’ve come to you, to you know, just for clarity.

I’ve come to you, I’m going through a divorce um, we’re going to court next week, I have got two you know, children at home and I’m really stressing I’m beginning to see my skin is changing, I’m putting on weight and I need help um, where would you start with me?

Well with, with the program I’ve got and yes, and in answer to your, excuse me, in answer to your first question, it is for anybody. I do tend to work more with people in midlife, in sort of 40s and 50s, because they tend to be coming to me more with a, a list of issues rather than just I’ve got a particular problem sorting out, but often it’s because they’re in the midst of some turbulent situation, either at work or in relationship is feeding into that so it’s something that would work regardless and actually I’m, I’m, actually even looking at having more specific um, elements of the programme, for people going through divorce because I’ve had such a lot of interest from uh, law firms in putting some provision together for their clients.

But even with the individual one, what we do is for all the clients, I mean with anyone I’ll take a, a full comprehensive uh, health history assessment and there’s a questionnaire so we had, we have an initial session that’s 90 minutes, so to understand every part of your health, and your life, and your situation, because any stressful situations are going to be a huge component of how we approach getting to the, getting out the other side. But then we’ll address, address throughout the, the program we’ll address the key what I, is call them the key pillars of health which is and we’ve talked about stress and sleep, we’ve talked about gut health, we’ve talked about hormones, we’ve talked about metabolism, um, and then also mindset and habits.

Because making for me, having those, creating small, daily and I’d almost rather call them rituals, than routines, or actions, daily actions because that almost implies something you have to make yourself do. Whereas if you can create it as a ritual, something that you can enjoy doing, you can then, so you’ll want to sustain it, and because we’re all really busy people, the last thing we want to do is you say spend our day weighing food, looking at food labels, double-checking everything and, feeling guilty, exactly, exactly because guilt is another way of stimulating stress hormones.

So, we’ll cover through on a one-to-one basis I would normally take people on for like a six month programme, and then we’ll look at each of those pillars um, individually but we’ll be focusing very much on what each individual person um, the individual needs because everyone’s got slightly different priorities in terms of health, you can look at actually which, which of these areas is the most important to tackle first and actually or, which of them actually is quite a simple one to tackle, because if, if we can get some quite quick results for people, then that’s always going to be beneficial, because if you’re getting some quick results and you start to feel better quickly, everything goes better, you’ll be able to better tackle the rest of the process, you’ll be more motivated um, so it works on, on all those levels they all cover those, those pillars.

Holistic, it’s quite holistic, it’s because it needs to be to gain the long-term success. Because there’s, it, there’s millions of people out there who will and show on their website here’s this amazing transformation this person’s had, here’s a before and an after, what they don’t show them, is that same person six months later, or a year later, when 95% of them and the research shows this time and time again, 95% of those great success stories, a year later have returned to back to where they were, or actually worse. So, me, yeah, having something people can sustain is. Sorry Jo, I’m just thinking what, what um, because what I’m hearing from your, your programme it’s not just the dos and the rituals but it’s also, for the person to understand, what actually happens to them at that moment and to link my nutrition, my well-being, to my whole self, it’s not just meat is bad for you, eggs are brilliant, bananas and mangoes, and, all that it’s actually yeah but why, what about them makes it important for me to have it now, and to not have too much of this. So I think un connecting the two, understanding and doing can help in the long-term plans that you, you have for your wellbeing pre, post, during divorce.

It’s really important to know because we’re it’s one thing to say things like meat is bad, banana’s good, but it varies a lot from person to person, and if somebody is not a meat eater, or is, lactose intolerant, or you know, there’s lots of there’s lots of small factors and nuances, the most important thing as, as you mentioned, is if you can understand your own body, your own preferences, and your own responses, and I know when we work together we did a lot in terms of writing stuff down and doing food diaries and doing little kind of various sort of experiments on, on to help you experience, how your body reacts, because it’s one thing reading something in a book or a magazine or seeing it on TV and understanding it intellectually, but when you experience it, and you write it down, that understanding in itself, yeah, um, really helps people, in terms of motivation, in terms of what action they take.

And I’ve, since we worked together because that must be like you say more than 10 years ago probably, yeah, um, I’ve introduced more, because there’s a lot of, of really great technology available now, so I’ve introduced some of that into the programess that I work with so that um, we can measure say your blood response to glucose um, and things like uh, there’s something called heart rate variability, which measures your individual response to stress, right, shows the impact that your day-to-day actions not only have on your stress and recovery. So again, looking at you’re almost seeing it on a chart of those bursts of energy versus recovery, like we’re supposed to do, and a lot of people are just showing that it’s all red bars so constant, constant stress and no recovery, and you can see really clearly the impact it has on your sleep quality.

So, even just, I find that people seeing something on a chart, helps reinforce, and then if you, you log it to what you do in a day, you can very quickly start to see that you know what a small glass of wine, if I have it by 7 o’clock, doesn’t really impact my sleep much but if I have a couple of glasses or I have them later in the evening, gosh it makes a big difference. I work late, I’m up on my computer and screen’s working late, does that have an impact on my sleep? Or what happens if I take a break at lunchtime or compared to when I power through because I’ve got a deadline? And when you can see it in a chart um, writing it down obviously as you know from working together, makes a difference, it does.

Days when you say, no I didn’t have any biscuits on yesterday, well actually I’m looking at your diary here Soila it says you had four! In the morning! You can forget, yes, but writing down is a, is really beneficial but the, the, the additional benefit you can get from using a bit of technology, often really, I will only ever use those if they stimulate action in people. They help understanding and they, they inspire action because other than that, I have a little bit of a love hate relationship devices because, a lot of people, they will, particularly when it comes to sleep, steps can be motivating, but a lot of the other metrics on there, and I find particularly with sleep, I’ve had several clients say to me you know “I can look at my sleep, I look at my sleep on my device, or my on my phone and I woke up and I felt fine and then I looked and my, my, my, Apple watch told me I’d had really rubbish sleep last night so then I felt bad” and you’re actually letting a device tell you how you should feel, and that is not something. But I think it can be used much more intelligently to help you understand your body, and take specific action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no I, I, I, really like the, individual stance that you’re taking with your clients. It’s not, an umbrella you know that everybody should cut down on meat, everyone should have more chicken, it’s not that it’s actually looking at me, and what how I work, how I operate, what Soila has, doesn’t have, what works, what doesn’t work and not, you know putting the same thing to, onto Penny, who’s doing something different and you think that we should be doing the same thing. So I really like that whole idea and I know that it works because it lasted with me so, yeah, so I know, I know your work.

Um, Jules thank you so much, thank you so much for coming on today and speaking to us on The Divorce Magazine. Really, really helpful I, I um, I’ve come to learn how important nutrition is while you’re going through divorce and separation or any other life stresses, if anybody wanted to get in touch with you, how could they go about doing that? The best place to get in touch initially is just to go to my website, which is feelglorious.com, there’s lots of information on there, there’s, there’s also I’ve got a free quiz that you can do, it just takes a couple of minutes and actually it can help, pinpoint within those six pillars, where you could focus the most attention, I’m all about sort of the 80/20 rule, if 20% of your actions can give you 80% of the result, then focus on, focus on the areas that can get you the biggest result. So that quiz can really help, okay, um, and then all my contact details are on there you can find me on socials as Glorious Jules, and again there’s, there’s, there’s lots of resources I do, I do frequent talks and free webinars um, and there’s information about my programmes on there as well.

I do have a group programme that I launched um, a couple times a year, as well which still covers those pillars and allows for some personalisation within there, so it’s, whilst it’s a group one you still, it’s, you’re still able to personalise. How many people maximum in a group? I tend to keep it around 20 uh, 20 maximum, yeah, okay, again it’s nice for people to have some, some feel that they’re getting certain attention so we do Q&A’s, we do online, we do online sessions so you can get your individual questions asked as well. Okay, Jules thank you so much, it’s been such a pleasure having you um, there’s so much, I had questions but then I thought to myself we can’t be doing all of that right now, you’re going to have another time um, so thank you so much, and um, thanks for coming on The Divorce Magazine. Oh, always a pleasure!

[Music]

Read more articles by Jules Anderson.

About Jules Anderson BSc (Hons:1st). Dip (ITEC). CHHC

Jules has a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in anatomy & physiology, is trained in integrative nutrition and functional medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance® practitioner. She specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity and healthspan, enabling people to live better for longer.

Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science & technologies, natural approaches and behavioural psychology – to create vibrant health that actually lasts.

Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011 and works internationally with individuals and businesses, including Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Telus Communications and WeWork. She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing and Time & Leisure magazines.

She is the creator of Thrive – a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals – to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy and transform performance and wellbeing.

Mental health first aid after a break up
Photo by Zhen H on Unsplash
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Mental Health First Aid After A Breakup

Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

‘Mental health first aid’ is a term that is most often used in workplaces and it’s also a form of training you can take: like all first aid it is about recognising signs that someone needs help, stabilising if any immediate risk involved and getting professional support to the person as soon as possible. In the context of a breakup, it’s likely that a friend or indeed a colleague at work of the identified patient (you if you are going through the breakup) will be the first aider. It’s often difficult for the person affected to recognise they need help as a part of mental illness is lack of insight into being ill. So, the first step for anyone is to alert their network to the fact they are going through this. This can be difficult as you may be experiencing shame or embarrassment about the ending of the relationship and not want to talk about it, but it’s crucial to alert folk to your situation.

Thinking of the first aid analogy, going through a break can be seen as analogous to organising a major event where one of the first things you would do is ensure you have first aid, ambulances etc on standby as you know it’s much more likely for people to hurt themselves in these situations. A breakup is of the three major life transitions that can lead to what is known as transition shock. The others are:

  • Moving home
  • Changing job/change in economics
  • Changing intimate relationships

Depending on what the circumstances you are in, it maybe that a breakup involves a number of these transitions simultaneously. All of which is to say that just like medical attention, first aid is more likely to be at a public event, it is part of the risk planning, so you should be realistic that your psychological distress may move into mental health needs. So, the first tip is risk assessment and risk management just in case you need help alert others to what is happening.

If you have a previous history of mental health problems, you need to realistic about the higher risk of a relapse in the condition during the transition, whatever that condition such as anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorder etc, especially in this context as major life transitions produce significant stress reactions which are triggers of mental health problems. As part of your risk management, you may want to think about prophylactic interventions such as medication before you become symptomatic, or increasing your attendance at support groups if you are in recovery or restarting some evidence base therapy.

As a possible patient ensuring you engage in general good health and wellbeing practice is crucial. Start with the insights from Lifestyle Medicine ensuring you have the 4 corners of health and wellbeing in place:

  1. Exercise/active life.The single biggest health improvement you can make is to have regular exercise, ideally 3 times a week for 20 minutes, raising your heartbeat is what you want to aim for, anymore and that’s a bonus!
  2. Stress management.Relaxation and stress management are crucial to physical and psychological health. Stress is implicated in all major lifestyle illnesses and every manifestation of psychological distress. Learning to spot and reduce stress reactions is central to living a healthy life.
  3. Diet.Having a heathy balanced diet contributes massively to a healthy mind and body. Try to reduce processed foods, eat a mix of 80-20 vegetable and fruit to meat, control portion size and reduce sugar.
  4. Sleep.Good sleep hygiene is essential to healthy living. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture due to the psychological consequences of missing REM sleep cycles. So, practice good hygiene in your sleep habits; don’t drink alcohol or other stimulants at night, exercise, have a simple and regular bedtime routine, reduce blue screen activity at night and don’t use your phone in bed!

If you are the possible ‘first aider’ it’s important to feel confident in being a little nosier than you normally would. Don’t be afraid to ask your ‘patient’ about their symptoms, at worst you will get a grumpy response to leave them alone, but mostly you will get thanks for being solicitous. What are the types of symptoms that might indicate the need for signposting or referral to professional help?

  • major sleep disturbances
  • significant changes in outlook
  • significant changes in appetite or eating patterns
  • increase in alcohol use
  • dysregulation (anger aggression etc)
  • low mood
  • thoughts of being a failure and a burden on others
  • lack of concentration, stopping and forgetting tasks
  • emotional lability

Any one of them at low levels is to be expected, but it’s about poly symptom, intensity, and duration. If there are several at the same time and they hang around for more than a few days or if they are very intense it’s time to ring the alarm bell. So, what can you do?

  • Give your patient a good listening to. Learning to actively listen to someone without judgement is more often than not the most helpful thing you can do. Unburdening ourselves reduces our isolation and improves our mood, allowing us to make better real-world decisions to improve our circumstances.
  • Signpost and follow up. Know what the services are available in your setting. If you are work colleagues have a chat with your line manager and ask what EAP exists and how that can be accessed for example. If you are a friend, maybe scope out support groups and offer to chaperone? Maybe ask if you friend has talked to their GP?
  • Why don’t you get mental health first aid training?
  • If you have very serious immediate concerns for the safety of your friend/colleague or someone they care for, then contact emergency services who can intervene to take them to a place of safety for assessment and treatment if needed (for example of you ask them how they feel and they say they want to kill themselves and they have it planned out/methodology/timescale dial 999)

Mostly what we all need is to know someone has got our back and is willing to be a buddy in times of stress, and that doesn’t need loads of training, it just needs a big heart, open ears, and mostly closed mouths that murmur support.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

How to Cope with Divorce Interview
Thumbnail for the YouTube video "How to Cope with Divorce - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 6) - Danielle Barbereau"
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How to Cope With Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Danielle Barbereau
Danielle Barbereau
Divorce Coach
Danielle Barbereau – Professional Divorce Coach

Introducing our latest transcript blog featuring an enlightening interview with Danielle Barbereau, a distinguished Divorce Coach. In this insightful conversation, Danielle shares invaluable wisdom on navigating the emotional journey of divorce and finding the resilience to cope with divorce.

Join us as we delve into practical strategies for coping with divorce and embracing personal growth amidst life’s challenges. Get ready to be inspired and empowered as we explore the transformative power of resilience and self-care in the face of adversity.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “How to Cope with Divorce.”

[Music]

Hello everybody, um, today I’m so pleased to have Danielle with me on The Divorce Magazine, which is part of our events that we’re holding at the moment which is all about navigating divorce.

And today um, Danielle who’s been a contributor to The Divorce Magazine before, is here to talk to us, about the process of divorce but from a different angle not the financial side and not from the legal side. I’ll tell you what she’s going to speak about today.

So before that I’ll tell you a little bit about Danielle. She’s a highly qualified, I’m going to read it here on the screen, she’s a highly qualified Relationship Coach, and the UK’s first specialist in Divorce Coaching. She’s a published, published author of “After the Split”, a book that I highly recommend, and Edition One and Edition Two. And she’s currently writing her first novel, well done Danielle, thank you, diminished woman and another one that she’s co-authoring um, at the moment with Alex Swallow which is going to be of immense help, to other coaches who are building up their practice.

So they’re in the process of writing that, you’re working on your title, you’re almost finished, and I think a lot of people will need and they do need help just building up their own private practices, so I think that will be really, really welcome, to a lot of people. Probably not only divorce coaches by the way, even psychologists when they’re set, setting up their own private practices. What do we need to know ,yeah, yeah.

Because the problem is if you are not successful in this, you may be tempted to give up. And that be a crying shame. Completely. And um, Danielle has worked in the field of divorce since 2010, and has worked with over 1,400 clients. She’s um she’s, she’s a fully qualified coach with a Masters in Sociology and a Masters in Coaching.

On The Divorce Magazine if you want to read any of the articles that Danielle has written for us, you can go on there. We have “Impact of Breakup and How to Survive It”, and there’s “Why do People Have Affairs?” and the other one that we have is “Coping With Divorce When Your Spouse Leaves you.” So really, really you know, it’s those timeless articles because divorce keeps happening and those topics are still relevant today.

I’m Soila, I’m a, Counselling Psychologist and the Founder of The Divorce Magazine. Um, so today Danielle I came across your blog, um, which was entitled um, “Steadying Yourself When you Wobble During Divorce and, and Separation” and I thought, perfect for navigating divorce um, events at the moment that we’re holding on The Divorce Magazine.

How do we steady ourselves when we start wobbling during the divorce process?

And so yeah, please, tell us how do we steady ourselves when we start wobbling during the divorce process? Thank you very much Soila, I think the first thing to say is that it is completely normal to wobble. In fact, it would be abnormal not to. Of course it is, because we are going through something so enormous – a loss of identity, a loss of everything we knew before.

Probably we’ve been betrayed as well in the process for example, if somebody has left you without telling much truth actually for another person. So it’s extremely uh, difficult and completely normal to, make a little bit of progress and then a, dip again, completely, completely normal.

I was looking at a client I’ve had since the new year, and I was uh, wondering why have they stayed for a long time in their marriage actually because, you can also wobble, about deciding or not to leave the relationship and sometimes, when you are in a marriage uh, the other partner may be quite adept, as at doing quite enough, just to keep you there. And then obviously falls back into bad habits.

So I looked at clients and I thought well, what do they have in common and I’ve made a couple of notes which is why I’m looking down here.

The first one is that, they are all over the place. That’s a, a very technical place for tell but actually that’s what it is, they don’t know what to think. They are low, confused, unhappy, uncertain, and in these sit, situations it’s very difficult, to take a you know, to keep going in something when we are not too sure.

They may also believe what, their partners has said. For example that it’s their fault, if a relation, “look what you made me do” is a sentence we all know. So they scared of ending the marriage especially, if they’ve tried very, very hard to keep it going and invested so much of themselves in that.

And of course everybody hope that things would get better, and even when a decision is made, they still deep down hope that our partner is going to realise what an error they are committing and they are going to come back. And also, a lot of people have a great deal to lose, by ending a relationship. By um, financially of course, but also socially uh, and you know some people operate in circles where frankly they’re going to be dropped very quickly, at the end of a relationship.

So it’s normal, normal first of all to take a long time to make the decision, and secondly, even when the decision is made, to wobble, for all these reasons. Yeah, I really like that. That, that part where you’re saying “it’s normal to wobble”, “it’s normal to wobble” and just before we started um, recording, there’s a quote that you read and um, do you remember.

I like that quote, that I found somebody online called, Dr Julia Samuel and in fact I will refer to her once more before the end but she said, “grief” and we’re looking at grief here loss, “is an emotional response to an event.” So something unthinkable, unexpected happens, and we have an emotional response. Well that’s normal isn’t it. But somehow, we’re very harsh on ourselves, thinking why can’t I resolve this. Well there’s plenty of reason why we can’t resolve this. So I like that very much.

Can you talk a little bit more about the grief we experience when going through a divorce?

Yeah, can I just tap on that part where you’re talking about grief, because one thing that I find that when, when I work with, because my work is very much with children, parents, who are going through divorce to do with their children. Not so much with them as the adults, but to help them, uh, navigate their children’s feelings, emotions, and so forth.

And one of the things that I have found when I, when I do my assessment with the parents, is, understanding how easy it, it is to not really understand that going through a divorce is not just grieving for, the loss of the marriage, but there’s so much more that you’re grieving for. Can we talk a little bit about the grief?

Absolutely. Um, we grieve not only, about as you said the end of a relationship, but first, first of all, there are a lot of people affected, and you mentioned children, also elderly parents, also friends and family so all this, is extremely difficult and some times for example, being humiliated out of a relationship, if this been an affair or if everybody knew before, you did, it’s really, really difficult to handle.

I remember a client saying to me years ago, “I’ve lost my past and I have lost my future.” And that sentence stayed with me because obviously she thought she had been married for over 30 years, they had children, so she felt that, that all, all that was tainted. But also she was looking forward to a happy retirement with her husband, who incidentally had asked her to go and buy a house, never visited it, and then said “by the way this is your house now, and I’m going there.” So she said I’ve lost my future. That is terrible.

How do you help a client who feels like they have lost their past and their future cope with divorce?

Yeah, and I’m just thinking just that what you said about “I have lost my past and I’ve lost my future.” Can I just ask how you then helped this client because, I’m sure there are people who are going to be listening to this who are just like, absolutely, especially when they’re in the beginning, of the divorce process or they’re really into it. What would you say to them, if they think “I’ve lost my past and I’ve lost my future.” What would you say?

First of all it’s important that they feel hurt, it is true. Because I mean they’re going to feel that, their partner is bulldozing them into making decisions, there is a legal process taking place, they’re completely losing control, so I think the first thing I want them to know, is that their fear, is valid. They need to be heard, it is true, they have lost the future as they had dreamt it.

But of course, once they work through all this, they will discover another future, often a better one by the way, but it is at that point, they don’t see it, at all, and yes it’s true that they, for example this woman at from the lovely cottage in the country, thinking it would be happily ever after, except she found herself on her own in the beautiful cottage.

So yes, the future has been to stolen from her, but then I work at first of all, helping them through the worst of it because they are at a terrible time, in fact I remember that client, cried so much that I was running out of tissues! I had a box, and she was using them all, um, and then, it’s important but equally they can’t stay there. You can’t forever think, “oh my God somebody has stolen my future.” That cannot be.

So, very quickly you have to think of, extracting yourself from this. So first of all it’s the survival, and then starting to think, and later on when you work through, and often the relationship was not that good actually when you think about it, there were things which were not brilliant, you work through and start thinking of another future. Yeah, yeah.

And you said something there about, first of all she can’t stay there. No. But we know, you know and I know, yeah, that there are men, and women, and spouses, and ex spouses, who will stay there and not just for the year, they can stay there for, several years. And that is so, depressing to see. Because it is normal.

I mean you know people have been punched in the stomach metaphorically speaking, it’s a huge thing, it’s a huge shock. It’s like, a kind of a grenade in your life, and it’s normal to take time, at first you’re winded for a while, and then you have to work through something extremely complicated which makes no sense. But I would say that after a few months, you have to start thinking now hang on a minute, during that time if I’m not working through this, my life is on hold, my partner’s life is not on hold, if there is another party involved. They’re not on hold, so who is losing there?

I think it’s very important to see that, and I also think that, it is incredibly bad for clients to ruminate. You cannot stay thinking about what you’ve lost. You, at first yes, you have to understand what you’ve lost, but very quickly, you have to think, and agree even intellectually that your future, is going to be different and you have to work through the pain, and unfortunately there’s no easy way of doing that it’s painful, but at the end of it you find a way to grow.

Yeah, I had as you say so many clients, but I believe that they, at the end of it, I would say 99.9% of them have found a way to grow and that’s the success. Yeah. And what you just said there I think um, apart from what you had said about um, it’s normal to feel the pain, but where you said unfortunately it’s painful. It is painful, yeah, undoubtedly. Yeah undoubtedly, painful I mean I had written in the first book if had a magic wand I wish, I see people I mean struggling in such levels of agony, and I have to help them uh. And I think it’s very much about, yes, you are right, you are in that terrible place.

I think that people need to be, compassionate towards themselves and sometimes people say “I can’t believe”, “I can’t emerge from that.” Well I can believe. So you can’t be too, too hard you have to be compassionate.

I remember again Dr Julia Samuel who I heard few months back, she spoke about rituals in the recovery process. And I like that very much. She also called them beautifully, “habits of the soul.” Oh. And I feel it’s lovely too because you have to hold on to something. And she wanted them to start rituals which make, make them feel safe, grounded, and maybe if every morning they start with a walk, instead of staying in bed, unwashed saying “poor me, poor me.” I think it’s quite nice to start with this.

So I absolutely agree with that and rituals are important, we know that in history and they are grounding, and anything which can ground you at the beginning when you feel, you’ve lost control you are in kind of moving suns, is really important those little, stones you can jump to in the middle of the mud, to hold on to, yes because I can do this, and this and if you have a I don’t know, even an invitation to do something, think about it, it’s the next little stone to jump onto. And I really like that very much.

I like that too and there’s something quite empowering about creating your own rituals. Um, you don’t have to stick to that person’s ritual, or that person’s ritual, it’s creating your own ritual. I remember a client saying to me you know the, at the table you know what it’s like in a couple, she said that night she sat in his chair. And that was, it’s nothing, but it was hugely relevant to, of course it was, it meant do you know what, I own this house it’s my space.

Have you seen the different ways that men and women cope with divorce?

Yeah, yeah. What Danielle, what about okay I don’t know what percentage of your clients are, men because I know in my work probably 97% of them are male. Um, so they’re mostly dads who have been um, court ordered to attend or who have been suggested to attend a, a Triple P Parenting Program that I offer, and then I have mums who come in for other reasons. And I just want to, to understand a little bit if in your field you’ve seen, different ways that men will cope as divisive as it might sound, that men will cope in different ways than women tend to cope.

I would say that 50% I’m, I’m an equal you know 50% men and women. Good. Uh, so I find it difficult to answer that because in my view, it’s not men, it’s people. There are people, who struggle, some of my women client will say “well men do this” I said “well actually no, people do this. There are people who have affairs, there are people who will evade, trying to be uh, put in front of the, consequences of their action. It’s nothing to do with men or women.” So to me I feel that much more.

Now in terms of copying mechanisms, in some way women can speak more to friends, although that’s a double-edged sword, you know sometimes well-meaning people, can give the wrong advice. Men, not so much, and I think the reason they work with me is maybe that they feel lonely in this, and they that they need support. But no I, I can’t put it down to, but obviously also you mentioned that you work with people who have young children. For me, most of my clients are a little bit older, and often the children are young adults or even they have left the. So it’s slightly different. I don’t deal with children arrangements and to me I refer, to Parenting Coaches when there are issues like this I don’t deal with them. Yeah.

Can you talk about the double edged sword of talking to friends and family about your divorce?

And I think you touch on something quite important there, which is talking. You said one thing you said it can be a “double-edged sword.” And I know with, with my male friends you know they say the same thing they’re like “oh when we have a problem we just go sit down and we go hey how is everything”, and then that’s it five minutes and it’s done. But then, we’ve come to see the statistics in terms of the biggest killer of men in this country is suicide. Indeed, and um, so there is something to be said about allowing or not even allowing that’s the wrong word, to get men to speak. It’s so normal that you’re hurting.

When I, when I work with the dads in my practice, I’ve seen some of the most amazing fathers, who are just absolutely hands-on and they want to be there for their children but that is kind of taken away from them and they will sit and they will break and they will cry and they can’t understand you know, why this is happening. But they won’t do the same outside with their friends, or you know, they’ll just say “yeah no it’s okay it’s a little bit hard but you know.”

So I, I wish that you know, they could have this space that, where they can just feel. Comfortably, safely, like we do, you know with friends. But I want to talk about the double edged sword bit, because I kind of have a feeling I know what you’re talking about, but tell tell us what you mean.

So first of all you write, and I work with clients like this, whatever parent uses their children as pawns as a frankly, frankly put the child first and there a lot of you, there’s a lot of evidence about that. It is so wrong. Men do it too, women do it. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I think in the recovery process and to stop from wobbling, it is very important to spend time with friends. Uh, friends have a huge role to play, not for advice, I still don’t believe that I’m much agree, with you it’s about having a safe space, somewhere where people are not judged, and where people are not going to get the wrong kind of advice. But friends are essential because we are not uh, you know alone in the world. We need to be connected and in fact I would say a way to stop wobbling so much, is to connect. And it’s very, very important to, build up those connections.

The temptation when it happens initially is to stay in our shells and, yes for a short amount of time, but that is important to reconnect, and maybe actually, to have normality or at work as a matter of fact, normality it’s normal to go to the pub with a friend, it’s normal to play sport with a friend. That’s what you need to reconnect and to be reminded, that you are much more than what has just happened, you know that doesn’t define your identity forever more. And sometimes that break, where you are not “oh that poor person who’s been left behind” is really, really important.

And also, with a friend you’re going to laugh. And my goodness I believe in that. Because sometimes you can forget, and having a good laugh is really useful. So not being isolated during the process, but equally friends, yes some friends have different functions, that would be slightly wary about the well-meaning friends. And certainly incredibly wary and in fact avoiding like the plague the social circle and people would say “so what’s happening now?” As if that was, you know, your life is about, entertainment, yes, I mean for goodness. The answer to that I believe in very short sentences. “Yes I’m going through something very difficult” and not comment because really that’s for you.

And people who think they can go speak about you are not friends. So if you know I, I was telling you earlier on like you know when I was going through this book which I read ages ago and I was going through it again. I’ll send you a new copy Soila! Yeah, there’s so much in here like I was saying to you the, this section where you say “you will get better and you will find a new you.”

I know it’s a process, and I’m just remembering when I was going through divorce, you’re, you’re pretty lost, internally, mentally, and you will make mistakes where you will confide in somebody who will just fund the flames of your anger. Um, you will feel alone, you will feel judged, you will feel useless, you will feel like you have failed, you will worry about my future, what am I going to be? What am I going, to who am I? You know all of that, there’s a lot and all that can I remember just feeling lost and when you’re saying just staying in bed, because, what’s the point?

But the point is you need to get up. My first client the door to was in her dressing gown and I said oooh shower, make up, and we start working. To be honest she was my first client my, my list of clients was not long, I could do this. But what you say is absolutely the spirit of my work. Yes, I have to help people through, but having been doing this for, you know 14 years now, what I know with absolute certainty, is that, eventually people emerge.

And um, there is now something we speak about post-traumatic growth. And yes it is a trauma by the way, but that PTG, post-traumatic growth I love that. It’s only because you’ve gone through something very difficult that you work it through, that you grow, to bigger and better, and you know sometimes my client said to me “oh, you know now two years down the line, five years down the line, I’m much happier, you know, I’m with a better partner I’m with,” whatever or decide not to have a partner by the way. But they have this decisions and they are happier, really it is true because we grow out of these mad things that we go through.

For a while we don’t see that of course we don’t, but I always say to client you will eventually, and yes it’s a new you, but I mean I’ve been through divorce too and gosh when I remember what it was like. But I’ve emerged and, and have a much happier life, in every single way.

What does one do with the anger when the relationship ends suddenly?

Yeah, yeah, can we touch on the anger. I think correct me if I’m wrong cause you’re the relationship person. I, imagine that the person who leaves, sometimes they have processed the leaving while in the marriage, it’s kind of “easy” in inverted commas, to leave but the person who’s been left, the anger, not so much even the pain but the anger of how dare you? What did I ever do? I’m just I’m just thinking what does one do with that, when you think that you’re sailing along with your, spouse like really nicely and then suddenly, he or she, or they turn around and they say actually, I need to get out of this.

I’m thinking about a client I was working with yesterday, at the end of November, her husband announced he was leaving uh, no real explanation. Uh, immediately before Christmas so, two weeks later, he wanted to go to mediation. And because she didn’t feel ready, he was saying “you, you’re dragging your feet, you’re this, you’re that, you’re the other.” Well I’m afraid, well before you can do anything, you have to process this woman is winded. And for me the first thing people will think is pain. This and, and confusion, “what is it? Why? Why? Why? In fact, most of them will never know why.

But this um, yesterday morning my client said to me so we’re looking at now January, and she said to me “I’m so angry.” And I said good, good, because she has moved from the pain where she feels it’s her fault when she doesn’t know what to do to saying, “how dare he.” And already, she had put in place things where she was saying no. And I was pleased to see that because that means that on some level, not a lot, first of all she had lost control before and also for me I work at trying to make a, client see or to get some form of control.

And when they start being angry, they are more able to do this. I mean, you know and again, she might be angry, and then the next day she’s so low, that’s normal. But, eventually there is a pattern, and she emerges from this. So when I hear that they’re angry, I’m quite happy actually, again as long as they don’t stay there.

Yeah, they don’t stay there and they don’t become destructive. No, that’s it. Yeah, yeah, and I like what you just said, about the you know, one minute you’re feeling like this, the next minute you’re like this, because it’s not a linear process. Oh no. The recovery, it can be you take two steps, and you go back, and you, will so no wonder you’re calling it wobbling, you know because you wobble, wobble, until you’re able to then eventually, you know steady yourself and yeah, yeah. And it’s again completely normal, but the trend is up even if it’s two forward, two steps forward one back, the trend is up, and the moments of wobbling, will be less frequent and less deep as well, as time goes on.

How do you approach a new client who is feeling really low?

So have to hold down there, it’s like you know by the fingernail, hold on there. You can’t bear. Let’s imagine um, just before we finish Danielle, let’s imagine I am a man, my wife has just said to me, or my husband has just said to me, I don’t want to be here anymore, I have met somebody, and um, all that is breaking out and I’m feeling really, really, really, really, awful, and I come to see you and I’m like Danielle I found your contacts online, on The Divorce Magazine, could you please tell me what, how, I need your help. Where do you start and what would that work look like?

So I get very few, of these kind of clients because my clients are normally referred by lawyers, and they are not coping. So um, what so that’s one bit, they’re not coping somebody just been told I’m going. Uh, the, I help people make decision. Now a person who’s feeling guilty because they have said, it’s the end of the marriage, it’s rare but actually, it’s really good if a partner can say, “I’m really sorry, but this is the end and I’ve met somebody.” I wish, I wish people would all do that.

Instead, most people, at least the people I work with, have been at the receiving hand of somebody, who is not telling them the truth, who has been planning for a year or two to uh, leave, who is blaming them for that, “it’s your fault you did that, you didn’t do that”, trying to feed the narrative.

And that or even give no explanation, that first client I mentioned in her dressing gown, she came back from work one night to find a removal van on the driveway and he went. And she never got any explanation. Now that is hard. Whereas an explanation like that, it’s hard of course, but at least it’s honest, because otherwise you feel you’ve been lied to and there’s nothing worse. You deserve the respect of an explanation, and if you don’t get that, no wonder it’s hard. And it will take longer to recover, because how the relationship ends, has an impact, no question about that. Yeah.

There’s yeah, there’s, there’s a part where in your book where you say, right at the beginning getting divorced where you say “only initiate proceedings if it is what you really want to do.” Yes, they are, a lot of people who say “right so this is the end, so there’s no need to speak to a lawyer by the way, let’s just agree” and you know, and you are bulldozed into a process which is completely out of your control.

So at first no, take your time to think what do I want often it’s because the, actually the person who say they want it to be done very quickly, I’ve met somebody else, I’m afraid you don’t jump to their tune you need to be ready, but eventually you will see, you will understand, that you can’t make anybody love you. You know that doesn’t exist, you sooner stop the tide, frankly.

So eventually you’re thinking no that’s it, and then if you decide that’s it and I’m starting the divorce, that is a heck of a big control that you’ve taken back. But only do it when you’re ready and I had a client who had to wait you know 6 months or, or more, before they felt capable of that. Well fine, you know fine. We I, think it has to be when you’re ready. Yeah, it, it, is like we said right at the beginning going full circle, it is a loss. When somebody comes and announces to you that somebody very close to you has died, you need time to process, you need, you, you’ll sit there going I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I spoke with them yesterday, how can they be dead? You know, the same thing with, with marriage I’m ending it, but what do you mean you’re ending it, what, what I’m you know.

Exactly, and you’re right to make that comparison because I, I make that comparison with clients. The, the difficulty with divorce, is that as opposed to death, your partner is alive. Not only that, but your partner might be with somebody else. My goodness, you know the one who is going to get the, the casserole and the sympathy is the widow or the widower, not the person who’s been left behind. And it is so hard to cope, with the idea that somebody has gone with somebody else, and yeah it is incredibly hard.

I really compare it with the feeling of death, loss that way, but almost worse at the beginning because on top of this you had humiliation, being lied, to all sorts of things. But in, I think in the long run you, possibly recover quicker nevertheless. There’s something there.

Danielle thank you so much, it’s a conversation that we can keep going where I’m thinking maybe, we need to at some point talk about, just focus on the shame, yeah, um, of a failed relationship, you know, um.

That is huge, yeah. Um, so I think and then also the, the maybe on the other side of it, where it’s the guilt I don’t know if, if people who live relationships go to see divorce coaches because they feel so guilty for what they have done. I don’t know, I can’t, so because. My work is really to make people look at the reality and they might not like this. But guilt, guilt, even if you both agree the marriage comes to an end, you’re guilty, you feel guilty so it’s, you have children, you have, we spoken about that before, so guilt is a very, valid emotion.

And of course, even if you have been left, you feel guilty, that so what was wrong with me? What did I not do? What did I not? Say, well probably nothing. It’s just you know but, and that, on that you mention the death of a loved one is the same you feel guilty, you know did I do enough? I didn’t say that, all sorts of things guilt, and shame, are usually and if you manage to work through those emotions, you definitely uh, you know emerge quicker.

What tips would you give to someone going through a divorce to steady themselves?

If you were to give us some tips to steady yourself, what, during you know from, when you wobble during divorce what would you say? I’m looking at my list, not remating, so maybe the not to do is that, did I put other negatives, not looking at everything in terms of loss.

But if I want to be positive, I would say regaining control sometimes is very small like sitting in his chair, compassion for self, I mean there’s something you can’t, laughing, moving, taking exercise, journaling. Journaling is seen as, you even if you write two sentences at the end of the day, it’s very important to just it’s a way of saying something without it having consequences. Yeah. Eyes firmly on the end goal. I’m going through this but I know I will emerge, and I will emerge in a better place.

I think it’s also important not to be, some clients will do plenty of things they instead of doing the thing they do, huge amounts of activity, sometimes you need calm. Because it’s in, space a calm space, that thinking can happen uh, what else could I say uh, friends are very important, grieving for the future instead of seeing it as loss. I’ve, I’ve lost my past, I’ve lost my future, yes I need to grieve for that and accepting that it’s huge, and then keeping hope, I know I will emerge even if I can’t really see how. I know that and I will learn from it. If you manage to keep that perspective, and it it’s like flexing a muscle, it gets easier. At first it’s hard but it gets easier, and frankly I can say in all honesty, that at the end, all my clients except one or two but it’s not a lot of number, emerge stronger and better. It is the truth. It is, it is.

Thank you so much Danielle as always. You know your articles that we have um, with your book, if anybody I mean there’s a second edition. So if you can get this, especially honestly, especially if you’re, at the beginning or right middle part of the divorce and you’re struggling with this, you know um, from breakup to recovery uh, first things first, finding some relief, there’s so much in here. And it’s a tiny book so if you’re carrying it you know, it’s not big bulky, it’s straight to the point I think um. Thank you, yeah, if you can, that was actually why I wrote it uh, the solicitor with referring client say, tell us what you say to your client. So that was that. It’s not about me you know some people write about them of no interest just trying to get people at the beginning or early in the process, yeah, and maybe in the middle as well yeah. That was why. Why don’t you tell people how they can contact you? Oh thank you very much, so my name is, complicated but my email is danielle@danielleb.co.uk, that’s it, I don’t know if you can see my name on that, yeah, I mean we’ll have it, we’ll have it on the, yeah, good perfect, and it is on my website, it is on Amazon, but really it was just written, it was not meant to change the world, simply to give support like I do to my clients.

Yeah and, and, um, we’ll have it at the bottom of the link anyway, so people will know how to find you. Thank you so much, I’ll be in contact with all the other bits that we need to cover, an absolute pleasure too, thank you, definitely, bye, bye, bye!

[Music]

Read more articles by Danielle Barbereau.

About Danielle Barbereau

Danielle Barbereau is a leading professional coach specialising in Divorce since 2010. Her unique skill set compliments and adds value to the work of family solicitors by addressing ‘a significant gap in their service’. She supports clients through what is a difficult and painful process (enabling them to give clearer instructions and make better decisions), freeing the lawyer to concentrate on the legal aspects of divorce.

Danielle is the author of After the Split: The Definitive Guide to Recovery When Relationships Break Down which is available on Kindle, Amazon and on Danielle’s website: www.danielleb.co.uk.

Every Chapter In Your Life Story Matters - Resist the Urge to Tear Out Those Pages
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Every Chapter In Your Life Story Matters – Resist the Urge to Tear Out Those Pages

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Ever get the feeling you just want to rip out some of the chapters of your life?

Sometimes we can’t bear to look back and own some of the mistakes we’ve made.

For some reason, we seem to think we need to have all the answers to life figured out before we even start the journey. Can you imagine what a crazy notion this is, really?

As someone who taught children for fifteen years, I have learned some of my greatest lessons about failing and learning by seeing young kids struggle to grasp new concepts and then have a breakthrough.

I always told my students that it was ok to get things wrong because that’s how our brains learn and make new connections. And yet, I wasn’t giving myself the same compassion and grace within my classroom.

The classroom of life.

There are times when I reflect on my past and want to tear some pages out. Just erase them, and push the delete button.

It takes so much intention to let go of that desire. To be able to embrace the mistakes made as learning and to appreciate and find gratitude for actions I cringe over today.

My divorce was one of those times. When my mind sneaks back to some of the most painful memories I have of the last year of my marriage, I want to shut it all down. I used to do just that.

In the initial stages, it hurt far too much to acknowledge the shame, guilt and pain that I felt for the way things ended in my marriage.

I staved off these feelings by keeping constantly busy, drinking too much and entering new relationships. I waited for time to make things all better.

It wasn’t until I finally began to feel brave enough to start piecing the puzzle back together and taking the time to intentionally acknowledge, accept, forgive and let go of each individual memory that I began to feel true healing take place.

There were some things I had to forgive my ex for, and others I had to forgive myself for. Neither of us was perfect. Shock, horror!

We’ve all heard the proverb ‘Time heals all wounds’. When it comes to death, divorce and grieving, this is not true.

Time can dull the ache, make memories more hazy, absolutely. But the body keeps the score. Whatever you resist persists.

It may happen in the background, shrouded in the subconscious, and not coming to the forefront often, but it will stay there until it is dealt with properly and intentionally.

I’ve worked with many clients who have been divorced for over five years and are still trying to process aspects of their grief and loss. Even those in new relationships.

My true healing did not come until I had been divorced for six years. During that time, I was in a relationship with someone I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. When it ended, I had to deal with the pain of that relationship ending and the pain of my divorce, which I hadn’t been brave enough to face.

I realised, as I was going through that round of recovery and healing, how important it is not to avoid the pain of loss. As difficult and terrifying as it is to face, it is worth taking the time to properly heal because this is a golden opportunity to find the real lessons we are meant to learn from the end of a relationship.

Our stories are our stories.The happy parts, the sad parts, the traumatic parts. We can’t deny any of what makes us who we are in the present moment. The person who is reading these words right now. All of your experiences, triumphs, failures, and stumbles are part of what makes you who you are today.

Imagine a novel where the main character starts out perfectly, then the story ends perfectly, and nothing happens in between.

Yawn.

A good life story will have moments of adversity, sadness, embarrassment, poor choices, denial, and hopelessness. Then end with that character having pushed through the worst to become something better than they were at the start.

If you are open to it, your divorce can teach you so much.

So don’t rip those chapters out.

Sit down with your life story and reread those chapters. Find the lessons you need to learn so you can grow and become a better version of the person you were back then.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

Infidelity - Everything you Need to Know
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Infidelity: Everything you Need to Know

Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

The first thing to understand is that infidelity is a lot more common than is thought, it is believed that about 25% of men are thought to have extra relational affairs, and about 15% of women. There are biosocial reasons for this behaviour in humans, common with our nearest social animals such as chimps etc in terms of seeking a healthy gene pool.

We are all familiar with the apocryphal stories of the kings and queens of yore having sickly babies due to inbreeding, which doesn’t help if you are the victim of a cheating spouse, but it does help to make a distinction between normal cheating and abnormal cheating and it should be pointed out that the 25% and 15% are not the same group of people but it’s at any one time.

We may all at some point be the perpetrator or victim of this scenario and really should head the adage around stones and glass houses. The decision about whether you stay with the partner who cheated will largely depend on the circumstances of your relationship.

If you decide to end the relationship it’s unlikely it will be due to solely the infidelity, but that will be one of the factors and maybe the most important of the factors that mean the relationship is unsustainable. Why this is important is for several factors that will mean you can move on cleanly and not bring this dynamic into you next relationship. Crucial to this is to normalise the experience and to take some power of decision making and authorship.

Allowing oneself to experience the infidelity as an event which turns us into a victim disempowers and possibly sets up a situation in which you will blame yourself inadvertently for the cheating of your partner.

You will ask yourself what is wrong with me, rather than what went wrong with the relationship or with the situation and in thinking about what was wrong with the relationship it’s not, ‘what was wrong with the relationship that led to the cheating’ as this is another trap, but what was wrong with the relationship that I didn’t want to or couldn’t forgive the infidelity?

In relationships we forgive because we want that person in our lives, and we refuse to forgive because we want them to go.

As much as possible we want in this situation to move to a place where we can accept it’s an event that happened, that happens to many people, and it was the last straw. The effort involved in repeating the rupture wouldn’t yield enough return as there were problems anyway. We move from being potentially the victim of a soap drama to someone who has had a challenging life experience who wants to move on and heal.

Being able to reframe in this way does mean we are very much less likely to be processing the experience in our next relationship, and by processing, I mean carrying dumping the baggage from the infidelity into the next relationship.

During this process of ending and moving on it’s going to be important to avoid those folk in your network who feed on drama. Even though this may feel tough at first, it’s important to have voices in your life that ask you to be reflective, avoid dramatising the situation, try to normalise it, look at the bigger picture, look at your part without self-blame and at what you gain from moving on, above all avoid angels and demons.

Angels and demons are simplistic, black and white, infantile ways of thinking about people and life. Life and people are complex and muddy and there is good and bad in all of us.

It’s important to look at abnormal cheating and by that, I mean cheating that should not be normalised. This will tend to be of the serial nature and often the person doing it will have other issues, such as drinking, substance problems and for sure intimacy issues.

Generally, the partners of the type of hyper-sexual person will experience significant harm over time due to the range of manipulations, the love bombing, the lying, the intimacy problems that lead to attachment issues and self-doubt in the person being cheated on. You will be very likely to need professional help to deal with the damage done in this type of situation as you will have been living with someone with a chronic relationship problem.

Often the partners of the philanderer in that type of situation will experience significant trauma and need help to overcome it. As the partner there is little you can do to change them, in the same way you can’t change an alcoholic, unless they do the work to get help and stop.

You are better off getting out of an unhealthy situation and seeking help to ensure you don’t carry the damage with you.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home.

Finding Empathy For Your Ex After Divorce - Yes, it’s possible.
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Finding Empathy for your Ex After Divorce – Yes, It’s Possible.

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce brings out the ugliness in us.

No matter how hard we try not to let that happen, it’s inevitable.

One of the hardest things to do when going through a divorce is to find empathy for the person who is bringing up pain within us that is so strong, we barely recognise ourselves anymore.

As humans, we find it difficult to shift our lens from the one we view the world through to someone else’s. This is because we experience the world through an egocentric bias.

An egocentric bias causes people to rely too heavily on their own point of view when they look at the events in their life or try to see things from other people’s perspectives.

A good example of this is the frustration we feel if someone cuts us off when we’re driving. We don’t stop and think that maybe they’re desperate for a job and are running late for an interview. We just assume that they are arrogant assholes.

It’s worth challenging your egocentric bias during divorce because it can bring you peace and make the situation more amicable in the long run.

If you have children, this will directly benefit their emotional well-being. Try doing it for them if not for anyone else.

It feels impossible at first

In the very first stages of my separation, I found so many ways to blame my ex for what was happening to us and justify some of how I was behaving.

Looking back now, I know that I was in survival mode. It was a form of denial that kept me safe from the immeasurable hurt and shock that I was in.

Our bodies are in constant fight or flight mode when a significant relationship ends.

When you add children into the mix, the tension is even worse. You’re trying so hard to suppress the rage, anger and grief that sometimes wants to explode out of you in order to protect your kids.

Six months after our trial separation, my ex and I attempted to reconcile for the sake of our children. Neither of us was coping with our fears of an unknown future, playing on a constant loop in our heads.

During this time, I suffered a collapsed disc in my neck out of nowhere and could not get out of bed for an entire week.

This is a clear-cut example of how much strain we are under when we are trying not to let the most crippling of emotions get the better of us.

It’s the human condition to only think of our own pain and suffering when we’re going through trauma. Especially when we attribute that pain and trauma to someone else’s actions.

Even though it sounds crazy to be able to find empathy for someone else at this time, I want to try and open your mind a little to why this is important for your own emotional state and how you can reframe your thinking to be able to get there if it’s something you believe wouldn’t be possible for you.

Small disclaimer: Some people are emotionally abusive or have personality disorders. These people lack the ability to find empathy or see things from another’s perspective.

For the purpose of what I’m going to share today, I’m assuming that both you and your ex are capable of feeling empathy for each other.

Comparing the start to the end.

Can you remember the first few months of meeting your ex?

How did it feel?

What qualities did you see in them?

Something drew you to them and made you decide that you could spend the rest of your life with this person.

That’s a huge call.

Although it can be painful to do this, it’s helpful to cast your mind back and think of the good things you saw. And the caring things that you did for each other.

Now compare it to how you treated each other at the end of your marriage.

Very different, am I right?

People in extreme pain and grief act out in ways they didn’t think were possible.

If you’re being honest with yourself, I’m sure you can think of some things you said or did in the last stages of your marriage that were not your finest moments.

The first step in finding empathy for someone else is to take ownership and forgive ourselves for mistakes we may have made. It’s challenging to look at another person’s struggles when we haven’t done a sincere inventory of our part in the situation.

Forgiving the unforgivable

Sometimes there has been infidelity. Does this give you a licence to always be angry at your ex and never forgive?

Sure, if you want to stay stuck in pain and negativity.

If you’ve experienced infidelity, I want to share this quote by Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist known for her work on relationships and cheating.

“People cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn’t begin to describe the ways that people let each other down.” – Esther Perel.

Even if you consider yourself to be a caring and supportive partner throughout the marriage, think of what emptiness had to have been inside your ex to feel they needed the validation or adrenaline rush of trying to seek attention outside of the relationship.

I will even challenge you one step further. Imagine the deep shame and failure your ex now has to work through, knowing that the actions they chose hurt someone else to the core.

Are you able to find empathy for someone going through that?

The above point is not to excuse infidelity. In a perfect world, your partner would come to you and explain what they weren’t getting from you before they resorted to finding it somewhere else, but the world is not perfect.

The point is this. No matter what caused the breakdown of your relationship, we are all imperfect and will all make mistakes.

Once we can begin to step outside of our own pain, we can start to see that our exes are going through their own life journeys.

Profound loss

Consider everything you are grieving the loss of after divorce;

  • family dynamics
  • mutual friendships
  • daily contact with your children
  • a life partner
  • plans for the later part of your life
  • in some cases, a home.

Your ex has also lost those things.

I doubt any parent could look at their kids going through a divorce and not feel extreme sadness. There will always be grief for your children’s pain after a divorce. Your ex is feeling this too.

Nobody gets married and dreamily pictures the day that they sign their divorce papers.

When we get married, we dream big. Your ex is having to let go of their dreams too.

You may be going through it on your own, but in so many ways, you are still going through something together.

You’re still a team

Fewer relationship dynamics are more challenging than that of co-parenting.

What other relationships have so many emotional and practical layers to them?

Although you are no longer the team in the way you used to be, you are still a team regardless. You have children to raise together, not as a couple but as two people who once loved each other and now have a new challenge ahead.

It doesn’t end when your kids leave school or child support payments end. You will both be there for your kids for the rest of your lives. Think graduations, relationships, breakups, and possibly, weddings and grandkids.

It’s worth everything it takes to be able to get to a place of being able to find peace within yourself about the way your relationship ended so that you can show up in your kids’ lives together without continuously having to dig deep to get through it.

Overcoming struggle

I understand all too well that this advice can be tough to get your head around when you’re in the first stages of divorce.

Often, people resist because they think they are letting their ex off the hook for unfair or unjust treatment.

As I often say, it’s not about your ex.

You’re letting yourself off the ‘emotional’ meat hook by being able to see the bigger picture of life’s twists, turns and inevitable challenges.

If you feel the need to blame or punish your ex for the way your marriage ended, ask yourself who is really suffering? Then ask yourself, who benefits if I am able to get to a place where I can give them some understanding for their own struggles?

Hint: It’s you and your kids.

Takeaway

Finding empathy for our exes is not something that comes naturally or easily for us when we are going through the gruelling journey of divorce and co-parenting.

Visualising your future as co-parents can be helpful when you get bogged down in day-to-day conflict with your ex.

If you struggle with this, you can reach out to a coach to help you work through feelings of animosity and reach for understanding when you feel pushed to your limits.

Ultimately, this is what is going to make the most positive difference to you and your kids’ lives as you move forward post-divorce.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce.
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Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce

Most people enter a marriage with hopes of the union lasting a lifetime, but broken promises and changing circumstances can make staying together untenable. The sudden disruption of the family unit and daily routine can unsettle you and leave you scrambling for a way to move forward.

Jump Start Your Fitness Regimen

A physical journey can symbolise and lay the foundation for the beginning of a new fitness journey. Research shows that exercise boosts your mental health along with your physical well-being. A resort may offer stimulating and relaxing wellness activities. Stay moving during your retreat by taking tours and excursions by walking, biking, kayaking, or another method of active travel.

New cultures and experiences may open up unique nutritious cuisine. Review menus ahead of restaurant visits to find healthy options. Seek fresh food preparation ideas and recipes that avoid excess sugars and cheap fats and add a few to your diet.

Get in Touch With Nature

The outdoors offers a perfect time to meditate and ponder where you’ve been and where you want to head next. Forest bathing relieves many ailments and enhances your mood. Of course, you can substitute the beach, snowy mountains, or any natural setting for the forest as long as you enjoy an unhurried and peaceful time outdoors. Bring the practice back home with you for re-centering yourself in stressful moments.

Strengthen Old Relationships

Going through a divorce can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for anyone involved. During this time, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. Seeking out emotional support and counselling can be an effective way to cope with the stressors and challenges that come along with divorce.

By addressing and working through your feelings with a trained professional, you can begin to heal and move forward in a positive direction. Mental health support can also help ensure that you are equipped to make informed decisions about your future and your relationships with others.

Make New Healthy Friendships

Beware of rebound relationships to avoid dealing with unresolved issues. Spend time getting to know yourself, but don’t restrict yourself from forming new bonds with someone who supports you with honesty, integrity, and empathy. Your trip may allow you to meet new people who become lifelong loved ones.

Strengthen Old Relationships

If stress or an unhealthy marriage caused you to neglect sincere friends and family, a trip together can help you restore the relationship. Focus on each other, and don’t use the time to rehash old wounds. Steer the conversation away from your ex and remain positive. If you travel alone, reflect on the good people in your life and send warm greetings to loved ones back home to reaffirm your affection.

Plan Your Trip Now

If you’re ready for a getaway to rejuvenate your mind and spirit, use these tips to plan your trip:

  • Set your budget. Resources may be in flux as your divorce legal team guides you to a fair settlement. Figure out what you can afford and if you can travel far away or need to stay closer to home.
  • Fix your timeframe. Kids and work may affect how long you can break away. Try to at least take a long weekend so you can settle into your mental refresh for a day or two without travel.
  • Find your destination and accommodations. If you can’t head to your ideal retreat, find a spot that offers something similar. Set alerts for special offers on travel sites. Plane fares and hotel stays are often cheaper during the week and calmer because of fewer patrons.

Secure Your Home

Securing your home when you travel, by installing a home security system, locking all doors and windows, enlisting a trusted neighbor to keep an eye out, and setting lights on a timer or with smart home technology can help deter potential intruders and safeguard your property and belongings while you’re away.

Additionally, taking extra precautions such as pausing mail and newspaper delivery, removing spare keys from hiding places, and updating social media settings to avoid announcing your absence can further increase safety and security. If you’re adding security features to your home, be sure to document any upgrades as they could raise your home’s appraised value.

Take Time to Reset and Refresh

Dramatic changes require time and reflection to process the transition correctly. Use a personal retreat to rejuvenate your mental and emotional health and start the next chapter of your life on solid footing.

Are you looking for more helpful resources about life after divorce? Then add The Divorce Magazine to your weekly e-reading list!

Read more articles by Daniel Sherwin.

About Daniel

Daniel is a single dad raising two children. At DadSolo.com, he aims to provide other single dads with information and resources to help them better equip themselves on the journey that is parenthood.
Is it a rebound? - Get clear before you date again after divorce.
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash.
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Is It a Rebound? – Get Clear Before you Date Again After Divorce

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Make peace with solitude.” — Eckhart Tolle

Fifteen years.

That’s how long it had been since I was single when my marriage ended. No wonder I had to ask myself the question –

“Who the hell am I now that I’m on my own?”.

Being single again after a long-term relationship or marriage ends is an extremely disorientating feeling. At times, it’s almost as if you don’t recognise yourself.

When my marriage ended, I had to sit with the broken pieces of myself, wondering where to from here. Sometimes, the silence was deafening.

Our custody schedule was 50/50, week on and week off. So every second week, I had to come home from work and do the slow walk around the house. Peering into my kids’ bedrooms and feeling like a complete failure.

All my negative self-talk would rain down on my head.

Guilt.

Loneliness.

Uncertainty.

Self-doubt.

In the early days, it wasn’t unusual for me to spend some time in the hallway crying and trying not to fall apart entirely.

I didn’t know how to be single. I didn’t know how to be alone.

Before my marriage, I’d had long periods of being single, which wasn’t a big deal. I had many friends I could catch up with, or I lived with roommates who provided company.

Divorce is so different because you go from years of having a house full of noise and kids to absolute nothingness. Most of your friends are still married or in new relationships.

Initially, you’re emotionally raw, so trying to socialise with the people you used to see as a couple can trigger feelings of shame that you weren’t able to hold your family together while they were.

Often, this is when people start to think about meeting someone else. It feels like the cure for feelings of loneliness and despair. Many of us believe that being in a new relationship is the natural next step after one ends.

But there’s a risk you take when you try to date too soon after a significant relationship ends; beware of the rebound!

What defines a ‘rebound’ relationship?

Rebound relationships are built on a foundation of neediness rather than genuine connection. When you’re going through a divorce, you are still reeling from the emotional upheaval, and the need for companionship can be overwhelming.

Rebound relationships are a way of masking pain. They relieve the overwhelming loneliness that blindsides us after being in a partnership for so long.

These feelings can drive you into a relationship for the wrong reasons rather than an honest desire to begin building a solid and healthy relationship based on mutual love and respect.

The problem with rebounds is that they are only temporary relief.

Imagine if you broke your leg and someone offered you morphine but didn’t set the broken bone back in place.

You’d feel good while you’re on the morphine, but once it wears off, the pain of your broken leg is still there. Only it’s worse because you haven’t correctly set it.

It’s similar when you try to mask loneliness and a fear of being alone by entering a relationship without truly knowing what you want or, more importantly, what you’re realistically able to offer someone.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t entertain the idea of dating again. But to keep yourself and others safe from more emotional chaos, you should be clear about what you’re prepared to give someone.

Don’t jump in without being honest with yourself and the person (people?) you are dating about what you are ready to give and receive.

Honesty is important

If you only want a physical relationship, being upfront is ok. When I was first divorced, it was music to my ears when I dated someone who told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious because I knew that I wasn’t in a position to make a serious commitment either.

We both agreed that it was only casual, and when we parted ways a few months later, we maintained a friendship.

You may hold back from being honest with someone because you think that they’ll reject you or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings by admitting that you only see them being in your life for the short term.

However, being upfront allows you to see if they have the same reasons for dating as you do. If they don’t, trust me, it’s much better than trying to extricate yourself from an awkward situation further down the track.

Not only that but if you aren’t upfront and that person is triggered emotionally by feelings of rejection, it can turn bad quickly.

This happened to a good friend of mine a few years ago. He was dating a woman he considered casual, although they’d never talked about what they were to each other. In the meantime, he was still talking to other women on a dating app.

One evening she saw a message come up on his phone from another woman, and she accused him of ‘cheating’. She took his cell phone and bit it so hard that the screen cracked. He eventually had to call the police because she refused to leave his house.

Yes, this is an extreme case. But it highlights how indecision and miscommunication can put you in an emotionally charged situation. By being clear with the people you are dating, you are avoiding putting yourself in a position that you may not be ready to deal with.

Suppose your relationship has ended within the last two years. In that case, the chances are high that you are still carrying a lot of unresolved feelings and thoughts about your experience, which could impact the quality of the relationship you’re trying to create now.

Two years is obviously not a timeline that is set in stone. Some people will take less time to heal, and others will take more.

In the two years after my divorce, I unintentionally used someone as a rebound and ended up being someone else’s rebound.

Both felt really bad.

I felt guilty when I had to end the first one and completely heartbroken when I realized the second one had used me. That one took a very long time to get over, putting my recovery back by years.

Takeaway

In an ideal world, we would all be equipped to face our solitude and loneliness without reaching for others to try and take away our pain and discomfort.

The reality is that most of us will want to connect with someone else and date again before we feel genuinely sure about the type of commitment we want.

You can avoid the pitfalls of ending up in an unhealthy relationship by being intentional and mindful about what you are looking for. Take some time to reflect on what you hope to gain by entering into another relationship.

Write down in detail what you want before you put yourself out there. Casual? Committed? Purely physical? Friends only? Anything is on the table as long as you’re being honest with yourself.

Get clear before you go out there, and you can protect yourself from the trap of a time-consuming and painful rebound.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

Divorce Can Bring Gratitude - Here's What It Taught Me
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash.
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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude – Here’s What It Taught Me

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Dr Wayne Dyer

Life is about learning lessons. We are all just living in one giant university, all of us choosing our own areas of study through the choices we make.

We all have entirely different teachers, starting with our parents and families, then our friendships and, later, our love relationships. When you begin to view life as a lifelong classroom, you start to see all of your experiences through a different lens.

Life Lessons From My Divorce

Divorce taught me some of life’s hardest lessons, but I am grateful for them now that I am looking back.

These lessons can only be learnt after the fullness of time. My hope is that you will be able to use some of this to anchor yourself in the coming months and years if you are experiencing the end of your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

Nobody can escape impermanence

Impermanence is the realisation that the things we think will always be there and take for granted can be gone one day. When I signed the papers on my wedding day, I was sure I would be in a loving relationship for the rest of my life. Divorce hit me like a truck and made me question everything else.

If this could be over, what else could be over?

While this is a sobering realisation, it is an essential life lesson because impermanence affects every single person at some point: death, job losses, natural disasters, illness. Nothing is forever.

By knowing and accepting that, rather than denying anything so painful could happen, we set ourselves up to face the inevitable adversity of life with an inner confidence and strength that will get us through our darkest times.

Love does not conquer all

When I was in the first years of marriage, I truly believed that no matter what came our way, our love for each other would be strong enough to survive all of life’s challenges.

It was a profoundly sad feeling to realise that this wasn’t true. Love does not conquer all. Relationships are dynamic entities that evolve and change, sometimes out of our control.

There are no guarantees that you will grow in the same direction. You can’t control another person, so it’s naive to think that you will always be able to make a relationship work if you put in enough effort.

In the words of the Don Henley song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’.

People change in fundamental ways over time

In my twenties and thirties, I genuinely believed that who I was and who other people were was set in concrete.

Sure, I could change jobs, interests, political ideals or friendship groups, but I never understood how much people can change fundamentally back then. When two people change in opposite ways over many years, it’s not the same two who entered the relationship anymore.

This is what happened with my ex-husband and I. When I look at us both now, we are polar opposites of the people who looked at each other and made vows on our wedding day. We know that if we were to meet today, we wouldn’t be drawn to each other; we are just too different at the core.

I have a shadow self

The term ‘shadow self’ was coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of our personality that we hide because we find them unacceptable. You can find out more by reading this article by Andrea M. Darcy.

Separation showed me that after living with emotional stress for years, you have no idea what you’re capable of when you hit rock bottom. When past pain and trauma come out, you think and act in ways you barely recognise.

Just admitting that I didn’t want to be married anymore was a massive blow to my beliefs about my identity. I started to see myself as a failure and someone capable of inflicting pain on others. I couldn’t bear admitting that about myself.

However, this realisation has helped me accept myself as a whole person, flaws and all. I am much more forgiving of myself today. The flow-on effect is that I am more accepting and forgiving of humanity as a whole. This new mindset has given me a level of inner peace that I never thought was possible.

Realising that my ex-husband has a shadow too

When I married him, I thought he was the kindest, most caring and loyal person in the world. As it became apparent that he wasn’t always kind, didn’t always have my best interests at heart, and could see himself living without me in his life (in other words, he was human), I experienced the most significant blow of all.

It sounds dramatic, but it felt like I was living with a complete stranger in the last months before we separated. Many things I thought I knew about him turned out to be wrong. I had to accept that fact, and he had to accept the same about me.

People are judgemental

Given that the global divorce rate is still high, you would think that divorce stigma would have lifted a lot more than it has. It’s incredible how often people make flippant comments about divorced families that cut you to the core.

Now that my kids are in their teens, I see how they are happy and thriving compared to many of their friends whose parents are still married.

Having divorced parents does not make kids destined to have trouble later in life, and that’s something I will never shut up about because it causes so much anxiety in new co-parents.

If this happens to me now, I let it go immediately. Anyone who judges me for going through a divorce lacks the ability to view the world from any perspective except their own, and who cares what someone that narrow-minded thinks?

The true meaning of being alone after divorce

I love having time to myself; I’m a person who recharges by having time alone. But nothing prepares you for the loneliness of not having a partner to share life with.

In the first year after a divorce, I shifted into autopilot, almost running on adrenaline most of the time. There was a sense of relief that the stress of living in a dying relationship was finally over.

After that first year, though, when I started to ‘do life’ on my own, I began feeling intense loneliness and isolation. These uncomfortable feelings were my primary motivation for wanting to create a new relationship, which ended up being toxic and unhealthy.

It was great at the beginning when I didn’t have to deal with being lonely, but after the honeymoon period ended, all the dysfunction started to rear its head.

Three years later, I was back to square one — still, nobody to talk to and more grief to deal with. I’m determined not to do that to myself again, so I’m choosing to stay ‘single on purpose’ until I’m ready to find a partner for the right reasons, not just a distraction for bouts of loneliness.

Friends have limited bandwidth for my heartache

After divorce, friendships can go quiet. A few months into my struggles, I realised my friends had busy lives and little time to talk to me when I felt down.

Initially, I was hurt by this, but looking back now, I can see it was the ‘Nobody Can Save You’ module of life. The emotional journey of recovery from grief and loss is yours alone. Your friends love you but can’t do it for you, even if they want to.

I’m particularly grateful for this lesson as it helped me rediscover my love of journaling and writing to deal with times when I feel lonely or sad. I learnt that I have more strength and resilience than I gave myself credit for and that I don’t need anyone to rescue me.

Takeaway

It’s helpful to see your divorce as a graduation from the university of life. Nobody wants to go through all of life’s brutal lessons, but if we think we can get out of here without living through some serious pain, we are fooling ourselves.

It’s totally up to us how we want to work through the pain of recovery and come out the other side. No matter how much we feel like circumstances are stacked against us, we have the power to decide.

My greatest personal achievement is feeling emotionally equipped for whatever comes my way. By accepting impermanence and creating strategies to deal with it, my life has now become something I can face head-on, and I feel confident that no matter what comes my way, I can get myself through it.

For this, I am grateful.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

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