Your Emotions

Divorce can trigger a roller coaster of emotions, from anger and grief to relief and hope - explore the complex emotional landscape of divorce, offering guidance on recognizing, understanding, and healthily processing your feelings. Learn strategies for emotional resilience, self-compassion, and moving forward with a positive mindset.

Shouldn’t Divorce Get Easier As Time Passes?
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Shouldn’t Divorce Get Easier As Time Passes?

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better After Divorce

It feels as though the third year after divorce should be easier than the first two, right?

You’ve got time behind you. You’ve gotten used to the new routines. You’re supposed to be “moving on”. You’ve survived the initial upheaval and, on the surface at least, life is beginning to feel more normal.

And yet, if all of that was true, there wouldn’t be that strange freefall feeling that can happen when you reach the two year mark.

I see this happen again and again with the women I work with. They feel as though they’re tracking well. They’ve got through the initial crisis, they’re highly functioning, they’ve built new routines and they’re getting on with life. Then, somewhere around that two-year mark, something shifts and they start questioning everything.

It was exactly the same for me.

I divorced with two young children. My son was eight and my daughter was five, so life was already incredibly full. There were school runs, appointments, homework, weekend sport, and all the ordinary demands that come with raising small children.

Then you add divorce to that.

Custody arrangements. Stress. Anxiety. Fear about the future. Grief. Dealing with extended family. Losing friendships. Trying to create some kind of new normal when the family structure you had built your life around has disintegrated.

There wasn’t much time to stop and think about how I was actually doing. I was focused on getting everyone else through it.

Of course, the demands look different when your children are teenagers or young adults. You might not be dealing with school runs and bath time anymore, but you may be navigating teenage emotions, exams, relationships, independence, university, or supporting a young adult who is finding their own way. You’re still very capable of putting their needs ahead of your own.

And this is something I see particularly often in high-performing women. We are very good at getting everyone else through difficult things. We organise, we solve problems, we keep things moving, we show up at work, we make sure the children are okay and we somehow keep functioning when, underneath it all, we are struggling.

We are often the last ones to get a glimpse of the care we give to everyone else who needs it.

This is why the two-year mark can be such a significant point.

By then, things have usually become quieter. The legalities are, in most cases, over. The paperwork and negotiations are behind you. You’ve finally stopped thinking of your ex-spouse as your partner, and your children have started to get their heads around the change and settle into their new routines.

And suddenly, there is space to think.

Space to look back. To wonder where it all went wrong. To question whether you could have done things differently. To really feel the reality of running your own life and your own home, and perhaps being a single mother in a way you hadn’t quite allowed yourself to fully acknowledge before.

And that reality can be incredibly confronting.

Your mind can start reaching back towards the comfort zone of marriage. Sure, it wasn’t perfect. You know why you left. But it was familiar, and familiarity can feel very comforting when you’re standing at the beginning of a completely unknown road.

The road to rebuilding a life from scratch.

And for women in midlife, there can be another layer to this. Your children may be getting older and becoming more independent, and suddenly the question of your own life becomes much louder.

Who are you now? What do you actually want? What does this next chapter look like when so much of your identity has been tied up in being a wife and a mother?

The first couple of years are about survival. You get yourself through each day. You go to work, achieve at your usual high standard, make sure the family have everything they need and try to create a healthy and amicable co-parenting relationship.

You might start dating again. You’re figuring out where you fit within your old extended family. You’re navigating friendships, growing professionally. There is a huge amount going on.

So where, in all of that, is there time to stop, catch your breath and actually feel what has happened to you?

For me, most of my intense grieving hit around the two-year mark. The quiet was deafening. The grief and loneliness was all encompassing.

I understand now why the two-year mark seems to be such a significant marker for so many of the women I work with.

It’s not necessarily that something has gone wrong. In many ways, it’s the opposite. You’ve finally got everyone through the initial impact, and there is enough space in your life for you to feel what you have been carrying.

And that can feel like a setback.

You might suddenly feel anxious again. You might start questioning your decision. You might miss your ex. You might wonder whether you made a terrible mistake. You might feel desperately sad, confused or completely unlike the woman who seemed to be doing so well six months ago.

If this is happening to you, please don’t panic.

You haven’t undone all the progress you’ve made. You haven’t gone backwards, and it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn’t mean you should think about going back or that something is wrong with you.

It may simply be that you’ve reached a point where there is finally enough quiet for you to process what you have actually been through.

You are a woman who has been through something enormous. You got yourself and everyone around you through the first impact. Now it’s time to give the love, support and care you gave to everyone else, to yourself.

You don’t need to have it all figured out.

You may simply need some time, some space and some support to feel and process what you were too busy to feel.

If you’re a few years down the track and wondering what on earth is happening to you, take a breath. There is nothing wrong with you. This is all very normal.

You can reframe this time as a unique opportunity.

Start asking yourself what care looks like for you now, and what’s going to support you the most as you begin to build this next part of your post-divorce life.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

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A Full Mind, An Empty Tank: How to Make Decisions When Your Brain Can’t

Published on
Yvonne Filler
Yvonne Filler
Co-Founder
amelliora

‘I just can’t seem to make decisions anymore’. It’s a common admission from women navigating separation. Not just the big decisions, where to live, how to divide the finances, what to tell the children. Just ordinary ones. What to have for dinner. Whether to reply to a message. What to wear.

It turns out this isn’t weakness or confusion. It’s biology.
When we’re under sustained stress, our bodies release cortisol, which directly affects the part of the brain responsible for analytical thinking and weighing up options. Research shows that elevated cortisol biases the brain away from careful, deliberate reasoning and toward instinct and habit. We become, quite literally, less able to think things through. Even minor decisions drain cognitive resources that are already depleted. As Art Markman, professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas at Austin, puts it:
‘Stress decreases our working memory capacity, so we have fewer cognitive resources to wrap our heads around all the different options, even for things that are relatively inconsequential.’
There’s another layer to it. Rumination.  The circular thinking that kicks in when we’re under stress. The questions that go around without resolution. What if I’d done things differently? What does this mean for the children? What if I can’t manage financially? What will people think? Unlike reflection, which moves us toward clarity, rumination keeps us stuck in the same loop focusing on the causes and consequences of our distress rather than solutions to it. It feels productive, like we’re working through something. But research shows it impairs our ability to make good decisions and can lead to analysis paralysis, becoming so caught in the loop that we can’t decide anything at all. At a moment when decisions feel important, urgent and unavoidable, this is perhaps the cruellest part of the experience.
This happens in other high-stress periods too, serious illness, bereavement, job loss, new parenthood. Any time life asks too much of us at once, decision-making suffers. The difference with separation is that it doesn’t just ask too much of us emotionally. It asks us to make some of the most consequential decisions of our lives, legal, financial, practical, parental, at precisely the moment we are least equipped to make them well.

The worst time to make big decisions

Under stress, we tend to make decisions quickly because they bring temporary relief. The decision is made, the anxiety lifts, and we can breathe for a moment. Research bears this out: the feeling of being rushed is itself one of the strongest predictors of later regret. And most divorce regret doesn’t centre on the decision to separate, it centres on how decisions were made during the process.
The pressure to decide quickly rarely comes from nowhere. It can come from the other party or their solicitor moving fast. From well-meaning family and friends who want things resolved. Or from inside, from exhaustion, from the completely understandable wish to make the pain stop. All of it can push you toward decisions made for the wrong reasons.

Not all decisions are equal

One of the most useful things you can do in the early stages of separation is to stop treating all decisions as equally urgent, because they aren’t.
Some decisions can’t wait. Your immediate safety and housing. Protecting joint finances from unilateral action. Basic arrangements for your children in the short term. These need attention, and getting early legal advice on them is important.
Some decisions can wait and should. Final financial settlements, decisions about selling the family home, formalising long-term arrangements beyond immediate needs. These are precisely the decisions most likely to be made badly under pressure and regretted later. They deserve time, proper advice, and a clearer head than the early weeks of separation usually allow.
If a decision truly cannot wait, you need to know why and that reason should come from your solicitor, not from pressure.

The sequence matters

The antidote to overwhelm isn’t making decisions faster. It’s understanding which decisions to make first, in what order, and with what support around you.
A useful first step is simply to separate the urgent from the important. What needs to happen in the next few weeks is different from what needs to happen over the next few months and writing those two lists, even roughly, can bring surprising clarity.
Gathering information before making decisions is just as important as making the decisions themselves. Start with what you know or can find out. Bank and savings statements. Mortgage documents. Pension statements for both of you. Credit card and loan balances. Tax returns. What does your income look like as a single household? What would your outgoings be? You don’t need exact figures to begin with; a rough picture is enough to start understanding your position. Here’s the crucial thing: you cannot negotiate what you don’t yet understand. Understanding your financial and legal picture, even imperfectly, puts you in a significantly stronger position before any formal conversations begin.

You don’t have to have all the answers yet

The goal in the early stages of separation isn’t to resolve everything. It’s to make sure that the decisions you do make are the right ones made at the right time, with the right information, and the right support around you.
The decisions that shape your life for the next decade deserve more than a moment of overwhelm and a pressure to agree. They deserve time, clarity, and the space to think.
When everything feels equally urgent and equally unclear, the mind struggles to find a way in. The cortisol that clouds your thinking and fuels the rumination begins to recede when we feel even a small sense of control. Identifying what you know, what you need to find out, and what can wait, quietens the noise. And in a quieter mind, decisions become better.
You don’t have to decide everything now. You just have to decide what comes first.

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Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.
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Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.

Published on
Natasha Bacca
Natasha Bacca
Divorce Doula, Mediator & Writer

It’s time we stopped confusing preserving marriages with protecting families—and replaced judgment with compassion.

There are few major life transitions we still expect people to endure with as much shame as divorce.

When someone is diagnosed with a serious illness, we rally around them. When someone loses a loved one, we bring food, send flowers, check in, and make room for grief.

But when a marriage ends?

People often disappear.

Friends don’t know what to say. Families quietly take sides. Communities that once offered belonging can become sources of judgment. The person going through the divorce may feel pressure to explain what happened, defend why they are leaving, prove they tried hard enough— or remain silent altogether.

Divorce is still too often framed as a personal failure. A broken promise. A selfish choice. Evidence that someone didn’t try hard enough to save their family.

And that framing does real harm.

Because divorce is rarely a simple choice between staying married and walking away.

Sometimes a marriage ends because of betrayal, addiction, abuse, coercion, chronic conflict, or years of emotional harm. Sometimes one person wants the divorce and the other is devastated by it.

Sometimes two people love each other and still cannot create a healthy life together. Sometimes people spend years trying to repair a relationship before finally acknowledging that staying is costing them too much.

And sometimes ending a marriage is not the destruction of a family. Sometimes it is the beginning of making that family safer.

Whatever brought someone to divorce, they are already facing one of the most significant transitions of their lives. What they need from the people around them is not another layer of judgment.

They need compassion.

The Cost of Stigma

Divorce stigma doesn’t simply hurt people’s feelings. It can influence the decisions they make long before anyone files paperwork.

When people believe ending a marriage makes them a failure, they may stay silent longer. They may minimize what is happening inside their homes. They may hesitate to ask for help or tell the truth about their relationships.

They may remain in harmful dynamics because leaving feels morally worse than suffering. For parents, the pressure can be even greater.

Stay for the kids.

Keep the family together.

Don’t be the one who breaks up the home.

But preserving a marriage and preserving a healthy family are not always the same thing.

By the time some couples finally separate, years of damage have accumulated. Resentment has deepened. Communication has deteriorated. Finances may be strained. Children may have spent years absorbing tension between their parents.

The divorce didn’t necessarily create all of that.

It may simply have revealed what was already there.

Stigma does not necessarily prevent divorce. Sometimes it simply delays support until families are already in crisis.

This Is Not a Fringe Experience

Nearly one-third of American children experience parental divorce before reaching adulthood, according to a 2025 study using linked tax and Census records for more than five million children.

Think about the scale of that for a moment.

This is not a rare family aberration. It is a major childhood and family transition experienced by millions of people—and one that deserves far more thoughtful support than our culture currently provides.

Yet we continue to treat divorce as something families should whisper about. Something parents should apologize for.

Something children should be protected from discussing.

Something adults should have to justify before receiving compassion.

When an experience touches this many families, shame is not a solution.

Support is.

What We Get Wrong About Children and Divorce

Divorce can be hard on children. We should acknowledge that plainly.

It can bring enormous changes: two homes, altered routines, financial stress, grief, uncertainty, and less access to one or both parents.

But “divorce can hurt children” is not the same thing as “parents should stay married for their children.”

Research tells a much more complicated story. A 2022 review of the literature on children’s adjustment to divorce found that the family environment before and after divorce—particularly the level of interparental conflict—plays a crucial role in how children fare.

In other words, the legal end of the marriage is only one part of the story.

The environment children are living in matters enormously.

Decades of research have also linked interparental conflict with emotional and behavioral difficulties in children, and those associations exist in both married and divorced families.

A marriage can remain legally intact while a family is emotionally falling apart.

Children can live with married parents and still grow up surrounded by hostility, contempt, fear, volatility, silence, or chronic tension. They can learn that love means enduring disrespect. They can learn that keeping a family together matters more than the wellbeing of the people inside it.

Those lessons matter, too.

The marriage certificate itself is not what makes a home safe.

So perhaps the question should not simply be, Is divorce bad for children?

A better question is:

What environment gives these particular children the greatest opportunity to feel safe, loved, connected, and emotionally secure?

Sometimes the answer will be helping parents repair their marriage. Sometimes it will be helping them separate well.

Either way, shame should not be making the decision.

Divorce Is a Life Transition, Not a Moral Diagnosis

There is something else we rarely acknowledge: for some people, divorce is not the beginning of their suffering.

It is the end of it.

That does not mean divorce is painless.

Relief and grief can exist at the same time. A person can know that ending a marriage was necessary and still mourn the family they hoped they would have. They can feel freer and terrified. Heartbroken and hopeful. Certain and devastated.

Divorce can affect housing, finances, parenting, identity, friendships, traditions, community, and a person’s understanding of their own future—sometimes all at once.

Research on marital dissolution and health reflects that complexity. Divorce can be a significant stressor associated with poorer health outcomes for some people, while research also finds that resilience is the most common trajectory following marital separation.

Both things can be true.

Divorce can be deeply destabilizing, and people can rebuild lives of health, connection, and meaning afterward.

And yet we often expect people going through divorce to function as though they are simply completing a legal transaction.

They may be asked to make enormous financial decisions, navigate an unfamiliar legal system, figure out where they will live, protect their children, negotiate parenting arrangements, grieve their marriage, keep working, keep parenting—and somehow remain perfectly calm and rational through all of it.

Then we judge them when they struggle.

What if we treated divorce not as evidence of someone’s moral failure, but as a major human transition deserving meaningful support?

Supporting Divorce Does Not Mean Promoting It

This is where conversations about divorce often become unnecessarily polarized. If we stop demonizing divorce, some people fear we are somehow encouraging it.

But supporting people through divorce doesn’t promote divorce any more than caring for someone with cancer promotes cancer.

We can value marriage and still acknowledge that not every marriage should continue.

We can believe relationships deserve effort while recognizing that effort has limits.

We can encourage repair without demanding endurance.

And we can support someone whose marriage is ending without requiring every private detail before deciding whether they deserve our compassion.

The goal is not more divorce.

The goal is less unnecessary suffering.

What Real Support Looks Like

So what would it look like to respond differently? We could start by breaking the silence.

Many people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can feel remarkably similar to abandonment when someone’s entire life is changing.

I’m thinking about you.

I’m here.

What would feel supportive right now?

Those words matter.
We could resist the urge to immediately judge, diagnose, interrogate, or assign blame.

We could become more curious and less certain that we understand someone else’s marriage from the outside.

What appears sudden may have been unfolding privately for years. The person who files for divorce may not be the person who ended the marriage in every meaningful sense. There may be grief, betrayal, relief, love, fear, responsibility, and hope tangled together in ways outsiders will never fully understand.

And perhaps most importantly, we could stop requiring people to prove that their marriage was terrible enough to justify leaving it.

There does not have to be a villain in every divorce.

Sometimes a relationship has simply reached its end.

Sometimes staying requires one person to disappear inside it.

Sometimes leaving is the most honest thing someone has done in years.

Whatever the circumstances, someone facing the loss of their marriage should not have to earn basic human compassion.

We Need a Better Story About Divorce

Divorce reshapes households, friendships, finances, workplaces, schools, and communities.

It is not a private aberration happening to a small group of people who somehow failed at marriage.

It is part of the landscape of human relationships.

That does not mean we should celebrate every divorce or pretend separation carries no consequences.

It means we should become mature enough to hold multiple truths at once. Divorce can be deeply painful.

Divorce can affect children.

Marriage can be worth fighting for.

And ending a marriage can sometimes be the healthiest choice available.

We can value marriage without treating divorce as a moral failure. We can acknowledge that divorce can be painful for children without assuming that an intact marriage is always the healthiest home. We can believe relationships deserve effort without believing people must suffer indefinitely to prove they tried hard enough.

The goal shouldn’t be keeping every marriage intact. The goal should be protecting the wellbeing of the people inside our families.

Sometimes that means helping a marriage heal.

Sometimes it means helping a family survive the end of one. Either way, what people need from us isn’t judgment.

It’s compassion.

About Natasha Bacca

Natasha Bacca is a divorce doula, high-conflict divorce coach, mediator, educator, and author who supports people navigating divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions. Her work centers on helping people move through divorce with greater clarity, dignity, and support—and build meaningful lives on the other side. Learn more at NatashaBacca.com.

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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss
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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content Manager
OnePlusOne

Every divorce brings loss, whatever else comes with it. You might feel angry, sad, relieved, or some combination of all three, but one thing that remains consistent is that something important has ended. A life you once built and nurtured has been demolished, and you are left to pick through the wreckage.

Understanding loss, and why it shows up the way it does, can help you make sense of it all as you find your way through to a clear patch of land where you can start to rebuild.

Why Loss Feels Different For Everyone

How you experience loss will come down to who ended the relationship (Boelen & Reijntjes, 2009). If it was your decision, you’ve probably had a head start – you may have been thinking about things for years before the actual split (Bevvino & Sharkin, 2003). This process often starts with a realisation that things aren’t quite right, and that you need to make a change. In the lead up to the separation, you’ll have had time to prepare emotionally and to think about what the future will look like. When the demolition comes, you might even be able to look on it as a positive step towards rebuilding.

If your ex made the decision, it’s a very different experience. One day you’re married, the next day your life comes crashing down around you. With no time to prepare, it can feel like a total loss of control. You will need to process the initial shock before you can even begin to think about what’s been lost.

Neither position is easy. The initiator often carries a burden of guilt at having ended things. The person left behind carries shock and a sense of helplessness. Whichever side you’re on, it’s helpful to be able to pinpoint your location amongst the rubble of your old life. 

What Divorce Actually Takes Away

It’s not just the relationship itself that you lose. Recognising that divorce can take other things with it will help you make sense of what you’re feeling.

A sense of who you are

Being married can become part of your identity. You may think of yourself as being part of a couple, or a member of a family that you have created. Losing that role can take away a big part of who you are, and a sense of security that you’ve held for a long time.

Your social circle

Friendships you’ve developed as a couple may not always survive the split. Some friends may drift towards your ex, some may drift off your radar altogether. A separation can disrupt your whole social circle and you may need to figure out who your people are now that you are no longer married.

The practical things

Moving house, separating your finances, and working out new routines with your children are all big life changes that hit you when you’re already feeling vulnerable. Sometimes grief lands in unexpected moments, like picking up the keys for a new house or cooking dinner for one.

Loss can even change your sense of the past, as once-happy memories turn sour, and old family photos become tinged with regret.

Three Ways To Clear Away The Mess

Grief is complicated. You can’t simply step out of it, but there are things you can do to stay on your feet as you work your way through it.

Look for the happy moments

When we are lost in negativity it can be hard to believe happiness is possible. Grab a notebook and write down how you’re feeling each day, noting the positives as well as the negatives. A mood journal can help you recognise that there are glimmers of hope, and things in life to be grateful for – even if it’s as simple as a sunny day, or a friend who cares about you. You might just start to see a clear horizon, even if you can’t quite get to it yet.

Look after yourself

Try to stay healthy and notice what happens. Eat foods you know are good for you, take rest when you get the chance, and resist the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can’t take the pain of loss away, but you can choose not to feed it.

Call for help

Stay connected to the family and friends who have supported you. Call out to the people you know you can rely on, and let them know what you need. If you have friends who have been through a separation, talk to them. Ask them how they got through it. 

If you’d prefer to confide in someone neutral, you may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counsellor, or even just to share your story through an online forum.

Making Your Way to Clear Ground

As you pick through the detritus of your loss, you can start to become more self-reliant and more secure, finding ways to live with the change. Once you accept that things are different, you can let go of the desire to put things back how they once were, and instead move forward.

Think about what you want from the future. What sort of relationship do you hope to have with your children? How will you communicate with your co-parent? What would make your life feel more manageable?

Loss is messy and difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild. Could you use this time in your life to do something you’ve been putting off – learn a new skill, reconnect with an old friend, or finally get that tattoo? Things haven’t worked out the way you were expecting. OK. So what’s next?

Read more articles by Jimi Odell.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind Getting on Better, a package of digital resources that uses Behaviour Modelling Training and other techniques to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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Beyond the "Glow Up": Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce
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Beyond the “Glow Up”: Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different.  Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another.  That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support.  Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences.  Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing.  This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.

Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity

Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again.  If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded.  Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again.  To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits.  By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds.  Confidence comes with doing.  If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can.  If she wants to dance, then dance.  With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.

The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the  physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”

When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways.  It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks.  For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention.  If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself.   In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible  If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors.  Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.

Understanding grief after a break up

Grief often gets a bad rap.   After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations.  Lean in, I suggest.  You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending.  As for self-actualisation?  This may come but, please, no more pressure.  Be the best version of yourself one day at a time.  And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff.  If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.

Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.

Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce 

Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.

Healing timelines 

Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.”  At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.

As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far.  Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…

Rebuilding your life privately and publicly 

It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.

As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.

Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter

Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.

This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you.  Be effective in your own healing and recovery.  No-one else can do this for you.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

 

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The Part of Healing I Avoided After Divorce
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The Part of Healing That I Avoided After My Divorce

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Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

And how facing it changed things for the better

For a long time after my marriage ended, I felt like I was going nowhere.

I was functioning, co-parenting, dating and working. Doing all the things you’re supposed to do. But inside, I felt stuck. The grief didn’t seem to move. The anger and regret kept circling back, even many years later.

At the time, I didn’t realise I was protecting myself.

After a marriage ends, most of us fall more into one of two places. Either we’re painfully aware of everything we did “wrong” and we beat ourselves up endlessly, or we focus mostly on our ex’s shortcomings.

What they did, what they didn’t do, and how responsible they were for things falling apart. I lived mostly in that second place.

I blamed my ex-husband for much of what wasn’t working. I didn’t question him as a father or a provider, but when it came to emotional connection and partnership, I felt alone. I felt like I was the one trying, carrying the emotional load, trying to improve things.

After my divorce, that story made complete sense to me, and it helped me survive.

Blame gave me something solid to stand on when everything else had collapsed.

The end of my marriage was such a shock to my entire system, that I simply wasn’t ready to look any deeper. And I don’t see that now as avoidance. I see it as self-protection. I wasn’t strong enough yet to hold the full truth.

What I didn’t realise back then was that blame was also shielding me from a deeper, more painful layer of grief. Underneath the anger was something much harder to face. The possibility that my own attachment wounds had played a role in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

When I eventually felt stronger, those truths started to surface

I remember picking up a book on codependency and feeling my stomach drop as I read it. Not because it described someone awful or malicious, but because it described someone caring, responsible, and deeply focused on someone else. It described me.

What I was bringing into the marriage didn’t look unhealthy on the surface. It looked like caring. But caring that is entirely focused on another person isn’t healthy, and love that’s driven by fear of disconnection comes at a cost.

I started to see some uncomfortable things about myself. I focused too much on what wasn’t working instead of what was. I didn’t have the relational skills, at that stage of my life, to communicate my needs clearly or early enough.

I managed anxiety in my marriage by trying to control outcomes rather than sitting with uncertainty or trusting that my husband would always stick with me, even through the hard times.

Those realisations were incredibly painful. Not just because they were hard to admit, but because of the question that followed. If I had known this sooner… if I had done things differently… could this marriage have worked?

That thought was brutal.

For a while, the grief actually got worse. I wasn’t just grieving the end of the marriage anymore, I was grieving the version of myself who didn’t know better. And there was a strong urge to go back and fix it all, to rewind time and do everything differently with the awareness I had now.

What mattered was that I stayed with those thoughts. I didn’t rush to resolve them or push them away. I didn’t swing back into blaming my ex to escape the discomfort, and I didn’t turn it into self-attack either. I let the truth be painful and complicated.

Yes, my attachment wounds contributed to the breakdown. Yes, there were things I would do differently now. And no, I was not responsible for everything. I was part of the system, not the whole system.

Understanding and accepting that changed everything.

 

Ownership is not self-blame

Ownership says, these are the things I did that didn’t work and that I’ll do differently next time. Self-blame says, this was all my fault. Ownership gave me my power back. It allowed me to see myself clearly as well as acknowledging my exes actions.

Once I reached that place, something finally shifted. I stopped clinging to the fantasy that the marriage could have worked if only I had tried harder or been better or known more. I stopped bargaining with the past. The grief didn’t disappear, but it finally moved into acceptance.

Taking ownership didn’t reopen the wound, it closed it. It allowed me to be honest about the marriage as it actually was, rather than the story I kept telling myself about what it might have become.

And I think that’s the part we don’t talk about enough. We can’t fully release grief while some part of us is still negotiating with it, still secretly hoping the ending might change.

 

What changes is us

When I look back now, there is a little sadness at times, a smidge of regret for the things I wish I’d done better, and also a lot of tenderness and gratitude.

What isn’t there anymore is the constant pull to fix what I couldn’t go back to. Healing didn’t come from blame. It came from ownership and forgiveness.

It came from being brave enough to say that I made mistakes, but that I was only human. I was wounded, and I doing the best I could with what I knew at the time, and that was more than enough.

Life is too short to live in the past. It’s a choice to face what we have to face in order to grow and let go of the connections that were only meant to be there for a season.

As much as we wanted another end to our story.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

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Tips On How To Start Dating Post-Divorce - A New Beginning
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Tips on How to Start Dating Post-Divorce – A New Beginning

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It can be hard hopping into the dating game again after divorce. Rules change after a long hiatus and social media is more

Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of ‘The Global Guide to Divorce’

prevalent now.  Online dating web sites are numerous.  There are so many choices how to meet potential dates and it can be daunting where to start. Think about going on dates as fun or an adventure. There may or may not be sparks. You might end up with a new friend or your next life partner.

Do an assessment of your dating goals

To get into a serious relationship?

To mainly have companionship?

Romance? Sex?

There can be an issue when one person is seeking their next life partner and the other wants a casual experience or hookup.

How to get started

Put yourself in a situation where you can meet people particularly other singles. For example, after my divorce I started going to karaoke. It is fun and does not require a great voice. After a while, I met a guy there and we have been together for three years. Two other couples met at karaoke as well.  As a writer, I like being surrounded by other creative types. I sit at a community table in a lively coffee shop and conversations usually start among the people. Several times chatting to the person next to me led to ideas for an article.

Go out in groups with your friends, neighbours, co-workers etc.

In a group setting, you can meet a variety of people and not have the to carry a conversation when feeling nervous. I was at a Divorce Club meeting in a London pub and connected with the woman beside to me. We have been good friends for years.

Attend work gatherings. Two co-workers were friends for over a year. Once they were in a group setting away from the job environment {a hospital} sparks started and turned into a huge flame. They saw each other in a different light and later got married.

Other ways to meet people in group settings in through MeetUp.com A divorced friend met her new guy in a hiking one. They chatted casually for awhile before realizing that they want to be together.  Other opportunities are volunteering or joining the singles groups in churches or synagogues.

Check on your body language

Are your arms tightly folded across your chest?  This means stay away. Do you avoid eye contact?  Do you look away when someone approaches you?  This type of body language can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest instead of shyness.  Are you smiling? Frowning is a road block to connections.

Talk to people around you

Ask the barista a few questions. When someone sees how easily it would be to have a conversation with you, then they will too. Friendly people are approachable. I met a charming guy in a coffee shop this way and we went out for a year before he relocated. You may not feel in a festive mood post-divorce. If friends want you to go to a party with, consider doing that. One nurse who had a bad break-up went to a Halloween fancy dress party.  She met her future husband at that gathering.

Be open

Sometimes when you are not looking for someone, is when they pop into your life. Go out and enjoy yourself. The important aspect to moving on is to put yourself in situations where opportunities may arise.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.


About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.

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It’s Over, Now What? 5 Core Pillars of Rebuilding After Divorce

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Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

The ‘Day After’ Clarity

The day after your divorce is final can feel like a whirlwind. Relief, sadness, hope, and anxiety might all swirl together as you step into a future that’s suddenly wide open. If you’re feeling a mix of these emotions, know that you’re not alone. At Fair Result, we understand that the end of a marriage is more than a legal event – it’s a profound life transition. Rebuilding after divorce is not just about picking up the pieces, but about using them to create something new and uniquely yours. Let’s explore how you can do just that with the five pillars of personal renewal.

Pillar 1: Financial Sovereignty

One of the most daunting parts of starting over can be regaining control of your finances. Financial sovereignty isn’t just about making ends meet; it’s about building a foundation that empowers you to live confidently and independently. Here’s how you can take practical steps:

  • Assess Your Finances: Take stock of your income, expenses, debts, and assets. Understanding where you stand is the first step towards taking charge.
  • Set a Realistic Budget: Create a budget that reflects your new circumstances and goals. There’s power in knowing exactly where your money goes.
  • Seek Professional Guidance: If you’re unsure where to start, don’t hesitate to reach out for advice. At Fair Result, our team is here to provide clarity and support, helping you lay a solid financial groundwork for your new life.

Pillar 2: Emotional Reconstruction

Divorce is a loss, and it’s normal to experience a range of emotions – from grief to relief to uncertainty. Rebuilding emotionally is about giving yourself permission to heal and rediscover your sense of self. Here’s what can help:

  • Allow Time for Grief: Processing loss takes time. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even confused. Let yourself move at your own pace.
  • Reconnect with Yourself: Revisit hobbies, interests, and passions you may have set aside. Rediscovering old joys can spark new meaning.
  • Reach Out for Support: Whether it’s friends, support groups, or a professional counsellor, don’t be afraid to seek help. Fair Result can connect you with trusted partners dedicated to emotional well-being.

Pillar 3: Physical & Environmental Reset

Your physical surroundings and routines play a huge role in your sense of stability. A fresh start can be as simple as rearranging your living space or as significant as establishing healthier habits. Consider these steps:

  • Reclaim Your Space: Make your home reflect your tastes and needs. Even small changes like new bedding or rearranged furniture can create a sense of ownership and comfort.
  • Prioritise Your Health: Gentle exercise, nutritious meals, and regular sleep can dramatically improve your mood and resilience.
  • Manage Stress: Explore stress management techniques such as deep breathing, journalling, or walks in nature to help restore balance.

Pillar 4: Social Realignment

Divorce often shifts social landscapes. Friendships may change, and you might feel uncertain about where you fit. This pillar is about building a supportive network that reflects your new chapter:

  • Evaluate Relationships: Take stock of your current connections. Who uplifts you? Focus on nurturing those bonds.
  • Build New Communities: Join clubs, classes, or volunteering groups. Meeting new people can open doors to unexpected friendships and opportunities.
  • Stay Open: Social realignment takes time. Be patient with yourself and others as you find your footing.

Pillar 5: Future-Self Visioning

A fresh start isn’t just about moving on from the past – it’s about creating a future you’re excited to embrace. Now is the time to imagine, plan, and pursue what truly matters to you:

  • Set Personal Goals: Whether it’s travelling, furthering your education, or trying something completely new, write down your aspirations and take small steps towards them.
  • Create a Bucket List: Make a list of experiences you want to have. Let yourself dream big – this is your chance to explore.
  • Reconnect with Your Values: Reflect on what’s most important to you now. Use these guiding principles to shape your path forward.

The New Chapter

Divorce is not an ending – it’s a new beginning. With the right support and a practical framework, you can rebuild a life that’s not only stable, but vibrant and fulfilling. At Fair Result, we’re here to walk beside you every step of the way, offering guidance, resources, and a compassionate ear. If you’re ready to take the next step or just want to talk through your options, reach out to our team today. Your new chapter starts now – let’s make it the best one yet.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Dating After Divorce: Are You Ready?
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Dating After Divorce: Are You Ready?

Published on
Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

Love rarely follows a straight line. Relationships end, new ones begin – it’s a natural, ongoing cycle. If you’re thinking about taking the plunge and giving love another shot, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Let’s Talk About Divorce – and Why It’s Not a Failure

We tend to idealise lifelong marriage… In reality, it can be hard to achieve and it’s not for everyone.

In fact, research shows that serial bonding – forming long-term relationships for several years before moving on to new partners – used to be the norm for millions of years. According to evolutionary theorists, it was beneficial for genetic variety.

It’s highly likely that permanent monogamy became the rule when humans began farming and settling down. Staying with one partner became a practical arrangement tied to land, property and survival.

Today’s evolving gender dynamics and relationship patterns aren’t necessarily new. In a way, some of them are a return to ancient norms. I believe we’re very lucky indeed. For the first time in history, we have the freedom to pursue the kind of relationships we want without fear of judgment.

If you’re carrying scars from your past relationship, know this: divorce is not a failure, for the reasons explained above.

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

This well-known quote is often attributed to Oscar Wilde, and sometimes Samuel Johnson:

It’s funny – because it’s true… but only when we fail to learn from the past and keep making the same mistakes.

Sometimes, people do try to learn – but draw the wrong conclusions. For instance, someone may swear off a particular “type” because their ex had certain traits or attributes, even though those traits may not have caused the breakup at all. In psychology, this is called direct reinforcement, and it doesn’t always serve us well (read more here).

Choosing the opposite of your ex is a simplistic approach and not always a wise or strategic move. It’s important to understand what led to the relationship demise, and which attributes made you happy.

One thing’s for sure: humans are serial monogamists. We must be eternal optimists because when a bond ends, sooner or later we find ourselves longing for connection again and searching for a new mate.

“Call it what you will, the human penchant to divorce and form a new bond with another is worldwide,” writes Helen Fisher, PhD in her Anatomy of Love.

Tips for Dating and Re-partnering Success

Many of us secretly find rules and formulas comforting as they tend to explain the world in a structured way. Take various rules around dating….

How soon should you start dating after a significant breakup or a divorce? There are several urban myths, for example, a persistent belief you must wait a month for every year you were in the relationship before considering another one.

But then, other people will tell you the best way to heal and get over someone is to start dating and find a distraction!

The truth is, according to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you have to wait before dating again. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind.

If you spent years in a “dead” relationship, you could be already emotionally prepared to move on. Whereas, if your previous relationship ended abruptly, you’re likely to need more time to process and heal, which can be a few weeks, a few months, or for some, even a few years.

The longevity guidelines don’t apply here – but this self-assessment will help you understand if you’re ready.

5 Signs You’re Ready to Date After Divorce

  1. You no longer feel much towards your ex

This includes both positive and negative attitudes. You may think if you hate your ex, then you’re ready to move on because you’re clearly no longer in love with them. However, hate is another strong emotion, which will inevitably interfere with your dating journey and any future relationship.

The key motivation to let go of your anger is your own wellbeing. Avoid getting stuck in a negative space as it affects all areas of your life, including your health.

Plus, obvious bitterness towards your ex-partner is not an attractive look in the eyes of your potential dates. I hear many clients complain about dating men or women who just want to “rant” and berate their exes incessantly.

Conversely, are you still pining for your ex and compare everyone you meet with them? Another sign you need to work through your emotions before attempting to date again.

We all have some good memories of our past relationships and can’t wipe our memory clean. Remembering those moments fondly is only natural, but try to think of them as events which happened to you as an individual – not necessarily courtesy of your ex.

Can you detach your memories from your feelings for that person?

Your aim is to feel neutral towards your ex no matter how good or bad your relationship was, or how it ended. There are methods and exercises to help with this, so if you are struggling, please contact me for support.

  1. You can see your past objectively

Too many people skip this step because it’s very easy to find someone to blame for your past misfortunes. Some people blame themselves, most blame their ex-partner, ex in-laws etc. Try to look at your patterns objectively.

Did you rush into a relationship and ignore the red flags?

Did you choose to see only what you wanted to see?

Perhaps, you were the one who was unreasonable towards your spouse? This can be hard to admit, but do it for yourself to be able to moderate your behaviour going forward – it’s not a public disclosure.

Either way, try to forgive yourself, your ex and “file” the information for future use. Experience is invaluable – this is the best thing about mistakes turned into life lessons.

Taking a critical look at your past relationship patterns will really help you minimise potential stress and find a shortcut to happiness (read more here).

  1. You can identify your new relationship goals and needs

The emphasis is on “new” because your goals are likely to evolve and change throughout your life, especially following a divorce. Don’t assume you’re just going to pick it up where you left it before you got involved with your previous partner.

Chances are, you also changed on your journey, so think about your current goals, and what you want from life in general. Only then can you identify your new relationship goal (be it marriage or a more casual arrangement) and what you need from a potential partner.

Be very specific! It’s astounding how many people are oblivious to their own needs. By default, we assume we understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we need. However, we often learn the hard way and discover we might have been taken by various love and relationship myths and cliches planted in our heads by parents, mass media or religion.

Forget everyone else’s expectations. What do you want and need? If you don’t understand your goals or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them?

  1. You are ready to trust someone

According to science, most people have a default to truth: our operating assumption is that the people we’re dealing with are honest.

This is known as TDT (the Truth-Default Theory). Apparently, most of us are much better than chance at identifying people telling the truth, and much worse at correctly identifying liars (especially, convincing liars). This is not necessarily a weakness but just part of being human which allows social groups, communities, and civilizations to exist and develop successfully. Otherwise, we’d always be pulled apart by suspicion and doubt.

Having said that, anyone who’d been hurt in a relationship tends to have their faith in people shaken and left with general mistrust. Understandably so!

However, harbouring mistrust towards all other men or women is not the answer. Fortunately, the world is full of genuine single people, like you, who want to share, commit and trust again.

Will you be able to give them a chance and trust again? You can do so in a safe manner, being cautious and taking things slow. Time is your real ally. No one is suggesting life-changing decisions after a few weeks or months of romance.

If you feel you can be open, gradually share personal information with someone and, in turn, accept the same from them – that is one of the reliable signs you’re ready to date again.

  1. You’re ready to care about someone

Undoubtedly, a relationship is a two-way street. Dating is a path towards a relationship, so it does require a degree of caring and emotional availability.

Are you open to having someone else’s best interests at heart? Do you think you’ll be prepared to care about them? See yourselves as a couple, in “we” rather than “I” terms, known as mutuality?

Again, some distance is only reasonable to begin with, but do ask yourself if there is, potentially, room in your heart for one special person.

If you’re still closed to the idea of caring about someone and sharing your life with them, try to tread carefully. Put yourself in other people’s shoes: what if they happen to be ahead of you on their journey. If they fall for you, they could be hurt by your reluctance to commit further.

You see, frustration is often the main cause of relationship trouble: when hopes and expectations do not match reality. This can be pre-empted by having a sincere conversation early on.

Explain your situation (for example, a traumatic divorce or concerns about your children) and the fact you may need more time to progress to the next level in a new relationship. Most people will find honesty disarming. And if it’s too much to ask, they’ll carry on their separate way, which is only fair.

 

The Evolving Landscape of Re-Partnering

Researchers find that re-partnering has become more complex and harder to track. Many people now choose not to remarry, opting instead for long-term partnerships or living-apart-together arrangements where they remain committed but don’t cohabit.

The key takeaway, in my opinion? There’s no single “right” way to re-partner. What matters is that your new relationship is more intentional because hope is not a strategy. Happy, lasting partnerships rarely happen by chance.

Conclusion

Dating after divorce is not about a strict timeline or a set of rules. It’s about understanding and accepting your emotions, learning from your past, identifying your new goals and approaching new relationships with clarity and intention.

With the right knowledge, intention and support, you can build something better: a successful remarriage or re-partnering isn’t just possible, it’s within reach.

About Mila Smith

With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship. ​​

​​If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships

Do you want to do it right this time round and find love that feels like home? Now, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. There is a clear, science-backed way forward and we’re here to guide you through it.​​​​ Read more if you want to take charge of your love life.

I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, HELLO!, Yahoo, BBC The Late Show, Newsweek and many other outlets. Click to check out my media coverage.​​​

Let’s talk! Call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

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Dealing With New Year’s During and Post-Divorce
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Dealing With New Year’s During and Post-Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of ‘The Global Guide to Divorce’

One may get through the Christmas season with all the parties and business gatherings. Going solo is fine. Holiday decorations and rituals can temporarily distract us from divorce proceedings. Families surround us and can be supportive during this difficult time. The world is lit up by a magnitude of lights and the festive mood is contagious. You might congratulate yourself for making it through the holiday season with your sanity intact.

What may hit you hard is New Year’s Eve and Day. The glittering lights start coming down, making the world a darker place. Things are quieter.  New Year’s Eve like Valentine’s Day, is geared toward couples. They kiss at midnight and usher in the coming year. Restaurants often have packages aimed at twosomes.

Think about how you are feeling

Do you want to be social and around others? Ask your friends what they are doing. They may not have thought of asking you to join them when you are newly single. One friend threw a big party and there were plenty of other singles as guests. If friends are busy on the Eve, then meeting on New Year’s Day may work.

Find out what your relatives are doing. They may be getting together for dinner and watching global festivities on the telly. You can offer to babysit nieces and nephews or friends’ children. Soon after my divorce I watched an acquaintance’s seven-year-old niece. We did crafts, improv acting and more. I got paid a lot that New Year’s Eve to have fun.

Or are you feeling melancholy and want to stay home? You can tell well-meaning friends that you already have plans. Then curl up with an exciting book.  You may be used to living with someone and now they are gone with divorce. Your flat feels empty. If you do not have children, consider adopting a pet. This is companionship when it seems like the rest of the world is out partying. If not ready to make a long-term commitment, consider fostering a cat or dog. Having my cats around me on the couch while watching New Year’s Eve gatherings on television ensures a more pleasurable night. Eating a delectable treat adds to the enjoyment.

What helps some divorced people is to go away over the holidays. I took my sons on a cruise. We celebrated New Year’s Eve sailing around Australia. A friend spent her New Years in India with others in her tour group.

Divorce brings the opportunity to start new traditions

My sons and I skip doing a big meal on New Year’s Day as we did in the past. Instead, we enjoy lunch at a café and then go to the cinema to catch a film. Other divorced friends spend New Year’s Day outside such as skiing. Think of fun activities which you enjoy.

Introspection 

This is the time to reflect on what you want to do in the new year. How are you coping? Do you need to change some strategies? How do you want to celebrate holidays?  Are you feeling lonely? I was feeling lonely around New Year’s Eve during my divorce. Then I thought about my last several ones while still married. Being in an unhappy marriage was worse than celebrating New Year’s Eve when single. A jolt of realization struck me. I do not have to feel lonely I can do what I want and be with upbeat people.

Others have reflected and feel that the holidays are only a few days to get through. They keep normal routines. Do what feels best to you without any guilt. Be by yourself. Be with others. Volunteer. Get in touch with your feelings and go from there.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.


About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.

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Menodivorce or Menopause? Feeling out of control at Christmas
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Menodivorce or Menopause? Feeling out of control at Christmas

Published on
Sarah Barr-Young
Sarah Barr-Young Head of Financial Remedies Department at Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

A series of studies has highlighted a connection between menopause and divorce – with many women attributing the menopause as a key factor in their relationship breakdown.

The festive season can be a particularly stressful time for married and separated couples for several reasons. High on the are list are financial worries, concerns about seeing their children – and the pressure of expectations to make the holiday magical and memorable for loved ones.

While I am not a medical expert, I am aware that seasonal stress can exacerbate physical and mental symptoms of menopause and perimenopause, the transitional phase before menopause. They include tiredness, hot flushes and mood swings along with feelings of inadequacy and shortcomings.

As a family law specialist with extensive experience in working with women in their mid-lives, I know how hard many of them find openly discussing their emotions with their nearest and dearest, a contributory factor in findings linking menopause and divorce.

Another worrying factor from the research focuses on the vital role of solicitors. Many women who have divorced while undergoing the menopause say their family lawyers failed to include the menopause and its impact on their deteriorating relationships in divorce discussions.

While this may be attributable to a lack of awareness or understanding, it requires addressing as a priority to ensure our family law profession fulfils its responsibility to assess every aspect of our clients’ lives following a relationship breakdown and guide and support them in reaching the best possible solutions.

Jones Myers’ holistic approach explores all areas of our clients’ lives, signposting them to third parties, whether this be counsellors, therapists or IFAs, when appropriate. Our firm’s approved internal list of referrers ensures clients receive the highest quality advice for their unique circumstances.

Finances are another key area where we guide and assist clients undergoing separation or divorce.

Many perimenopausal and menopausal women deciding to make the break have chosen to sacrifice their careers or put them on hold to bring up their families. This may have prevented them from saving money or accruing a work pension, later prompting major fears of how they will manage post-divorce.

We recognise clients’ concerns over finances – and how many women during their marriages have not had to manage practicalities such as tax, standing orders or direct debits.

Helping clients to plan for their future both pre and post-divorce, our holistic approach sees  us work with tried and tested financial advisers who support our clients to stay on track as  they embark on the next phase of their lives.

I urge all women who are feeling the season’s pressures and thinking about divorce and separation, to seek help from professionals and family lawyers who understand the challenges they face – and who can guide them on the right path.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

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