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"They'll Be Fine": Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn't the Whole Truth
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“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried. 

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving. 

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had. 

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme. 

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping. 

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt. 

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. 

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”. 

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal. 

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be. 

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be. 

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers: 

  • “They’ll adjust.” 
  • “Kids are tough.” 
  • “My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield. 

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening. 

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support. 

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning. 

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

  • Their nervous system
  • Their sense of safety 
  • Their ability to trust 
  • Their beliefs about love and conflict 

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay. 

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships. 

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience: 

  • Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them. 
  • Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding. 
  • Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same. 
  • Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides. 
  • Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect. 

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support. 

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support. 

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience. 

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so. 

References 

  • Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
  • https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9 
  • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions
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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

  1. Home – place of safety and survival
  2. Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
  3. Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

  • Being clinging
  • Being grizzly emotionally
  • Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
  • Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

  1. Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
  2. Sleep and rest regularly
  3. Get moving and exercise
  4. Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early
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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

  • Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
  • Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
  • Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
  • Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

  1. Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷

  2. Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹

  3. Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰

  4. Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²

  5. Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

  1. Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵

  2. Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶

  3. Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵

  4. Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹

  5. Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.

  6. Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

  • Observing and naming changes without judgement.
  • Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
  • Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
  • Involving an additional trusted person.
  • Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
  • Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

  • Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
  • Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
  • The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

  1. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  2. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  3. Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.

  4. Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.

  5. Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.

  6. Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.

  7. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  8. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  9. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  10. Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.

  11. O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.

  12. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  13. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  14. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  15. Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.

  16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.

  17. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.

  18. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  19. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  20. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  21. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  22. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  23. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  24. World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.

  25. Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.

  26. Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.

  27. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  28. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  29. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  30. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  31. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  32. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  33. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes
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The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

  1. Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.

  2. Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.

  3. Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.

  4. Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.

  5. Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.

  6. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.

  7. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.

  8. Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.

  9. Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.

  10. Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.

  11. Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.

  12. Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.

  13. Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.

  14. Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.

  15. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.

  16. Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.

  17. O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.

  18. Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.

  19. Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.

  20. Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.

  21. Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.

  22. Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

  1. Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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Rising Stronger After Divorce
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Rising Stronger After Divorce

Published on
Lucy Newsum
Lucy Newsum
Life Coach
Lucy Newsum Coaching

It is a human truth: divorce is hard. Within that truth is a depth of feeling that is often so visceral it is difficult to communicate. Divorce is not just hard, it is raw, exposing and messy. The loss of love, the untangling of your life from someone else, the sense of shame – it can feel like hitting rock bottom. It requires all our courage, strength and resilience to move through it and emerge stronger on the other side. 

I believe we can move through it, and I believe we can rise stronger. I believe this because I have experienced it. ‘Rising stronger’ was the philosophy I lived by as I healed from my divorce. Today, my mission is to support others to do the same. 

Why it’s so damn hard

Grief and emotional turmoil

With any relationship ending there is grief. Grief for the loss of the other person, the loss of the life you built, the future you imagined and your identity as part of that relationship and marriage. For many there is also another loss at play: the loss of ourselves within the relationship. It’s a triple whammy: loss of the other, ourselves and the life we were living. 

With grief comes an emotional rollercoaster. You might be familiar with the Kübler-Ross model which outlines the five stages of grief: denial (or numbness), anger, bargaining (can lead to rumination), depression (deep sadness) and acceptance. These stages are not linear; it is likely you will bounce back and forth between them. This emotional whack-a-mole is hard, especially as you start to feel better and have some acceptance to then plummet back into anger or sadness. At other times you might find yourself stuck in the grip of a powerful and painful emotion, unable to move through it. Much of my work is about helping us to navigate and process our emotions, without suppressing or devaluing them.  

Loss is also physical 

Research shows that the brain’s response to loss and heartbreak activates the same pain centres triggered by physical injury. The heartbreak of a divorce is not just in your head; we feel it at a deep physical level. It can feel like our heart is breaking. Combine this with the physical separation from a person we have spent time with every day and it’s easy to see we are dealing with a lot. 

Shame and guilt

And if that’s not enough, we also tend to add a good dollop of guilt or shame on top of it all. Guilt at hurting the feelings of someone we loved, or feelings of rejection and low self-worth, or questions of ‘what did I do wrong?’ or ‘why wasn’t I enough?’. 

Our culture contributes to this shame and guilt. The wider narrative around divorce and the opinions of others can leave us feeling like a failure, fuelling the flames of shame

and leaving us lacking in confidence. This all serves to amplify the pain we are experiencing. 

The weight of responsibility 

Amidst all of this we have choices to make and action to take: the legal process, financial decisions, and maybe childcare challenges too. We are dismantling one life and building a new one. This is scary and often overwhelming. But every ending is also a beginning, and we can rise stronger.  

The only way out is through

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is that you can’t shortcut your way around the hard moments. The only way out is to go through – gently and one step at a time. 

It is natural to want to avoid or numb the pain of loss. But avoiding, ignoring, suppressing or resisting our feelings are all actually ways that keep that pain alive. We keep the pain trapped in our body rather than accepting it, feeling it, having compassion for it and moving through it. 

Many years ago, I experienced a shattering heartbreak. It was a short relationship, so I judged my pain at its ending to be out of proportion. How could I be so hurt over something that hadn’t lasted long? Grieving it so deeply felt somehow weak, like something was wrong with me. So, I brushed myself off, put the grief into a locked box and got on with my life. Looking back, I can see clearly how that unprocessed and unhealed pain influenced my relationship behaviours and choices, contributed to an internal narrative of shame and limiting beliefs, and gave space to my own very loud and mean inner critic. It shaped how I showed up in my marriage and how I showed up for myself. When I went through my divorce over 10 years later, I finally found myself able to grieve and process that early relationship, which also helped me heal from my divorce, learn from it all and find the road back to myself. 

I love Miranda Hart’s description of going through the hard moments. In her recent book, she describes her journey as finding herself somewhere “…dark. Musty.Dank. A cave. With slimy, muddy walls. I walked along the cold, rock floor until another door at the far end of the cave became faintly visible. Somehow, I knew that door was the one that I would eventually, at the right time, be able to step through. And I would be refreshed”

My marriage and my divorce became my teacher. Slowly, gently, with compassion, I navigated that dark, dank cave. It was a journey of getting to know myself (my patterns, beliefs and values), finding the tools to feel more confident and navigate daily ups and downs, and building a brighter, more joyful and fulfilling life. In short, I went on a journey back to my heart. Today I feel freer, move alive, more empowered and more deeply connected to myself and others than ever before.

You can do the same

There is a light at the end of your dark cave. What if this is the start of a journey to truly discovering yourself and building a more empowered, confident and fulfilled you?

If you’re unsure where to start, here are three things you could focus on: 

  1. Seek out your support network: I recommend your network covers three pillars of support – practical support (legal and financial advice, childcare support etc), emotional support (someone to turn to when you are in the grip of emotion or turning in on yourself) and social support (someone who will get you out of the house and sprinkle some joy). 
  2. Daily wins: at the end of each day write down, or say out loud, three wins from the day. It doesn’t matter how big or small these are – a win could be making the bed that day – the power is in the daily recording of your wins. It trains your brain to start to look for the positives. 
  3. Gentle movement: our physiology has one of the biggest impacts on our emotional state. Movement positively influences our emotional state, enabling us to navigate and shift some of those more painful emotions. 

“The most difficult seasons of life are often preparing us for the most beautiful times ahead. When life falls apart, don’t rush to put it all back together. Sit in the fire and ash of all that once was. You will rise from this with deeper clarity, more wisdom, and a heart primed for peace. This is what grief does when we make room for it. Grief doesn’t break us, it heals us.” – Sheleana Aiyana

About Lucy Newsum

 Lucy Newsum is a life coach and facilitator. She provides coaching for women who want to live and love wholeheartedly. 

www.lucynewsum.com

IG @lucynewsumcoaching

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Love Yourself: Rebuilding Self-Worth After Divorce
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Love Yourself: Rebuilding Self-Worth After Divorce

Published on
Dr. Anita K. Smith
Dr. Anita K. Smith
Divorce Coach
Personal Finance Coach

When your marriage ends, it does not mean that your life ends.

Divorce has a way of shaking the foundation of who we are and how we see ourselves.

When the dust settles, many people going through a divorce (men and women) are left wondering: “how am I going to make it?” or asking the question: “Who am I now?”

After signing the divorce papers, your heart may still ache, you may still cry a lot, and you still may feel ashamed. My friend, all is not lost.   

You can rebuild. You can love yourself again, and then others. You must know that your self-worth is not up for negotiation.

Divorce does not define you now or in the future. You Can Make It! 

Rebuilding your self-worth after divorce is not about pretending that you are okay. Most importantly, it’s about healing emotionally and transforming your life into something beautiful. However, rebuilding does not mean rushing into a new relationship or rushing back into the world with a bright smile on your face. Time heals all wounds. It’s about working on your inner self and learning to love yourself again, through the lens of faith, grace, patience, and honesty.

After my divorce was finalised, I stood in front of the mirror not recognizing the woman staring back. Not because I looked different, but because I felt like I had lost the core of who I was. My confidence was really low, not by the breakup itself, but by many years of compromising, self-neglect, and emotional depletion that preceded it. Does that sound familiar to you?

The journey to rebuilding self-worth after divorce is not about reinventing yourself to be “bitter”—it’s about returning to yourself and beginning to love yourself to become a “better” person. 

I want to share with you seven practical strategies that I utilised which helped me through my divorce recovery, along with helping several of my clients through their healing process. The advice given is very beneficial in helping you heal, recover, thrive, and love yourself again post-divorce.   

  1. Honour Your Healing Timeline

There is no timeframe or schedule for healing. Whether you’re six months or six years post-divorce, give yourself permission to feel, grieve, and process. Your pace is your power. Don’t rush your comeback to please other people or prove anything.

  1. Reconnect With Who You Were Before Getting Married

Ask yourself: What things brought me joy before I started dating and got married? What passions did I put on hold? Reignite things that you probably forgot about (i.e. travel, hobbies, painting, movies, journaling, etc.). Join the fitness or dance class. That original version of you still exists—it’s time to spark things up and come alive.

  1. Be Kind To Yourself

The inner critic may be loud, but you can turn down the volume. Start by replacing “I failed” with “I made a courageous decision.” Divorce is not a failure—it’s a chapter that ended so a better one could begin. Write affirmations that speak life into your new season.

  1. Protect Your Peace and Set New Boundaries

Many people coming out of divorce feels like they must overextend themselves—to prove they’re still “together” or to avoid disappointing others. But rebuilding self-worth starts with saying no to what drains you and yes to what empowers you.

  1. Surround Yourself With Positive Professionals

Mental Therapists. Divorce coaches. Support groups. Uplifting podcasts. Affirming books. Find the voices that encourage growth—not bitterness. Rebuilding self-worth requires a support system that sees your light even when you can’t.

  1. Celebrate the Small Victories

Some days, getting out of bed and making a cup of coffee is victory. Other days, you may land a new job, reconnect with friends, or even smile without effort. Count it all. Each step forward is a seed planted in your healing garden.

  1. Define Happiness On Your Terms

No longer do you need to chase a picture-perfect life. You get to decide what a joyful, fulfilled life looks like now. That might mean solo travel, starting a business, going back to school, or simply enjoying quiet nights in your own space. You can define your own happiness. 

Begin Again…Love Yourself Again

Loving yourself first after divorce doesn’t mean you’ll never feel lonely or uncertain. It simply means that you recognise your worth is not tied to someone else’s love, presence, or validation.

It’s yours—currently rooted in who you are and who you are becoming.

You’re not just existing; basically, you’re rebuilding. 

Always Remember—“You Can Make It!”

When I wrote my book, You Can Make It: How to Start Living Your Victorious Life, I was writing not just from the lessons that I learned, but from the pain that I had survived.

The book was born from a place of loss—but also from hope. In it, I guide men and women through healing, rediscovery, transformation, and restoration. Not through hype, but through truth: that you are still valuable, still powerful, and still capable of joy.

You can make it, even if today doesn’t feel like it. You can smile again, dream again, and fall in love again, starting with yourself.

Read more articles by Dr. Anita Smith.

About Dr. Anita Smith

Dr. Anita K. Smith is a Life After Divorce Coach, Certified Financial Education Instructor (CFEI), Financial Advisor, and Keynote Speaker.

Dr. Anita is the award-winning, Amazon.com, published author of “You Can Make It: How To Start Living Your Virtuous Life.”

Dr. Anita works with individuals who are “single again” after divorce and help clients cope with change and uncertainty in their new life by using tools and techniques to transform, heal, recover, and eliminate pain, grief, and loss of the relationship or marriage breakup. She knows firsthand the effects and emotions of going through a divorce, and how it can wreak havoc on your life, and may cause you to experience health issues, financial issues, and relational issues.

Dr. Anita can help you regain your self-esteem and your self-worth. She will guide you, motivate you, and encourage you to become a CHAMPION AGAIN with practical solutions that you can implement right away to break free from a victim mindset and develop a warrior mindset. After working with Dr. Anita, you will recover, re-ignite, and rebuild your life AND finances after divorce.

Instagram: @dr.anita.k.smith

Instagram: @life_after_divorce_coaching

Website: lifeafterdivorcecoaching.net

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Money Grief After Divorce - The Loss No One Talks About
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Money Grief After Divorce – The Loss No One Talks About

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

When we think about grief after divorce, most people imagine the loss of love, trust, or family structure. But there’s another kind of grief that runs deep—and is rarely named: money grief.

One of my clients once said,

“I’m not grieving the loss of my ex, my identity, or our failed dreams. I’m grieving not seeing my children every day—and losing my beautiful house.”

In the divorce world, we often talk about grieving relationships, family routines, or personal identity. But there’s a quieter grief many people carry: I miss my house. I miss the lifestyle I once had.

Divorce often means a dramatic financial shift. Economically, things get harder, income is typically cut in half. But beyond the numbers lies a deeper emotional reckoning: the loss of financial stability, the unraveling of future plans, and the vanishing of a lifestyle that once defined you.

This grief doesn’t always cry out. It doesn’t get lasagne or sympathy cards. It happens quietly,in private moments, in budget spreadsheets, in smaller food shops, or in walking past a house you used to call home. And yet, few people talk about it.

The Hidden Financial Costs of Divorce

When people think about the financial side of divorce, they often focus on child maintenance, spousal support, or dividing assets. But there’s a deeper financial cost that often goes unmentioned: the actual price of the divorce process itself.

From the legal fees to mediation costs, divorce can quickly become expensive. Many people don’t realise just how costly it can be to separate a shared life,with solicitors, mediators, court fees, and the emotional toll all taking a significant chunk of resources.

The financial strain can feel overwhelming, especially when people are trying to rebuild their lives on a smaller budget. Yet these hidden costs are rarely addressed during the divorce process, leaving many feeling financially depleted long after the legal proceedings have ended.

This often leads to more hidden grief, as people mourn not just the life they built with their spouse, but the financial security that’s now out of reach.

Money Grief Is Real – But Disenfranchised

I talk about disenfranchised grief a lot in the divorce world. The term, coined by thanatologist Dr Kenneth Doka, describes grief that isn’t acknowledged by society, grief that isn’t openly validated or supported. He defines it as:

“Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”

No one throws a “sorry you lost your pension” support circle. Like I stated above, you don’t get shepherd’s pie when you have to sell your home or move into a smaller flat. And if you do talk about money grief, you might be met with raised eyebrows or comments like, “Well you wanted out” or “Why didn’t you fight harder to keep it?”

But money grief after divorce is real, and painful. You may lose your financial stability, your dream home, the future you planned for, or the lifestyle that once shaped your identity. These are profound losses. But because they don’t fit the traditional mould of grief, they’re often minimised or dismissed.

That’s what makes this kind of grief disenfranchised: it’s invisible to others, even though it weighs heavily on you.

The Shame and Stigma of Financial Loss

This kind of grief is often hidden beneath a layer of shame.

I remember my aunt once warning someone whose marriage was on the rocks, “Well, look at Karen’s life, you don’t want that.” The implication was clear: losing financial status after divorce isn’t just painful, it’s something to be feared, even judged.

There’s a deep embarrassment many people feel when going through divorce, especially when it comes to money. In our culture, success is often measured by financial stability. Wealth is equated with worth. So when divorce disrupts that, the grief of financial loss can be wrapped in layers of shame.

You’re not just grieving the money, you’re questioning your identity, your value, and your place in the world.

Divorce already comes with financial hardship. Layer on shame and stigma, and many begin to feel like they’ve failed. That fear of judgement keeps people silent. Some don’t even recognise what they’re feeling as grief—they just know they feel hollow, anxious, and unsure of who they are now that the money picture has changed.

We Underestimate the Emotional Cost of Divorce

Yes, many people going through divorce expect lifestyle changes. But few understand just how emotionally destabilising those changes can be.

It’s not just about moving, it’s mourning the neighbourhood where your kids grew up, the memories held in the walls of your home, the dream of retiring early, or putting your child through university.

It’s realising that your identity may have been tied to being the provider, the planner, or the one who held it all together, and now you’re starting over. You may no longer be able to afford the things you once took for granted or pursue the future you had carefully built toward.

That kind of loss isn’t just about pounds and pence, it cuts deep into your sense of self, your stability, and your hopes.

The Invisible Cost of Gender Roles and Dependency

For many women, especially those who stepped out of the workforce to raise children or support a partner’s career, divorce can feel like falling into financial uncertainty.

Even if they receive spousal or child maintenance, the loss of long-term career potential and professional identity can bring intense feelings of grief, regret, and a sense of wasted time.

Studies show that women often face bigger financial setbacks after divorce compared to men. For example, one study found that women’s household incomes drop by 41% in the first year after a divorce, almost double the 21% drop men experience.

This difference is partly due to traditional gender roles, where women are often the primary caregivers. This can mean interruptions in their careers, leading to a wider pay gap. Plus, women are more likely to give up a portion of their partner’s pension in a divorce settlement, which only adds to their financial challenges.

Even with support, the emotional cost of financial insecurity is huge. Many women not only grieve the loss of their partner but also the loss of their financial independence and identity.

Comparison Silences the Grief

Divorce grief is deeply personal and can be incredibly complex. The support people receive during divorce can be just as subjective. You might hear well-meaning comments from friends, family, or even other divorced peers like:

  • “At least you got the house.”
  • “At least your ex pays child maintenance.”
  • “You seem to be doing okay.”

When faced with remarks like these, what are you supposed to say?

While these comments may come from a place of kindness, they can unintentionally make someone feel like they don’t have the space to grieve what they’ve truly lost. But here’s the truth: You can be grateful for what you have—and still grieve what you’ve lost.

If you were the one who left, you can acknowledge that the divorce was the right decision—and still mourn the cost it took on your life.

Naming the Loss Is the First Step to Healing

Money grief isn’t about greed, it’s about mourning the loss of stability, identity, and the future you once imagined. Recognising that truth is powerful.

Grief can show up in bank statements, in cancelled holidays, in the quiet ache of walking past your old home. But just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean it’s not real.

You deserve to name this loss. You deserve space to grieve it.

And most importantly, you deserve support, compassion, and the chance to rebuild a life that honours what you’ve been through and where you want to go next.

References

  • Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Research Press.
  • Legal & General – The Divorce Gap: Women’s Household Income Drops Twice as Much as Men’s After Divorce

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way
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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Getting a hug during times of change 

One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.
Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?
Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.

What are these new arms holding us?

Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.

Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets

When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!

Empowering the embrace of change

There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better

Create ritual and structure

Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.

Compassion and kindness to self

Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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Narcissistic Family Systems - A Staged Life
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Narcissistic Family Systems – A Staged Life

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Here psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin examines narcissistic family systems and how to handle them. In such families, the narcissist, usually a parent or grandparent, demands that everyone meets their needs. They manipulate, shame, guilt trip, gaslight, and rage to maintain control. Narcissistic parents assign roles, control the narrative, and direct every action.

Roles in a Narcissistic Family System

  • The Narcissist: Rule maker.

  • The Enabler: Keeps the narcissist happy, consciously or unconsciously.

  • The Golden Child: Moulded to preserve the narcissist’s image.

  • The Scapegoat: The individual who speaks the truth or dissents is often labelled as ‘The Problem’. This scapegoat is more likely to experience adverse mental and physical health compared to others.

  • Understudies and Chorus: These are other children or family who step in when leading cast members are unavailable and cannot fulfil the narcissist’s needs. They are eager to assume these roles and, having observed from a distance, know their lines well.

Healthy families offer unconditional love, a supportive environment for growth, and validation. However, in a narcissistic family, children are seen as extensions of the narcissist and must conform to keep them satisfied. Disobedience, rebellion and any attempt to separate or become independent is likely to result in a narcissistic rage or exclusion. Maintaining the family’s image is paramount and the narcissist will dictate that.  The narcissist’s greatest fear is exposure and they will do anything to avoid this happening including harming (directly or indirectly) members of their own family.

Signs of a Narcissistic Family System

  • Control is often achieved by creating conflict between family members. For example, one sibling might be informed about a business deal while another is not, leading to distrust. This tactic, known as triangulation, is commonly used by narcissists to divide and conquer. They may also exert control by keeping adult children dependent, providing them with resources such as housing, employment, and financial support. This control may even extend to the regulation of food consumption, access to bathrooms, and the availability of heat and light within the home. Tracking or spyware may also be used in the guise of keeping family members safe.  It is really a tool for control but is being presented as a caring parent or partner. Manipulation may also be at play in family businesses or dynasties where the narcissist influences education, work, and social life. What appears to be closeness is often a pathological need for control.

  • All members should uphold the Perfect Family image to minimise conflict. This adaptive response arises from trauma bonding, making it hard to identify unacceptable behaviour until removed from the situation.  Additionally, inconsistent parenting creates controlled chaos, leaving children in chronic stress due to unpredictable moods.

  • Boundaries will be ignored by a narcissist; personal space may be invaded or a diary read. They may overshare personal information that a child is not emotionally mature enough to process.

  • Punishment is stern, with any dissent potentially resulting in anger, silent treatment, social isolation, and fear. It is important to acknowledge that children who are consistently afraid of their parents are, without exception, experiencing abuse.

  • Perfectionism is common in narcissistic families. Teachers may observe a child fearing low test scores, as nothing satisfies the narcissistic parent. This extends to decision-making; children capable of contributing are often denied this right because the narcissist believes they know best.

  • Deception: A narcissistic parent may selectively share information with their child, withholding it from the other parent or family members, thereby influencing family dynamics and perceptions. For example, if a narcissistic parent informs a child of an extramarital affair and instructs them to keep it their secret, this can lead to confusion and distress for the child, creating an environment where trust is compromised. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may distort the truth, leading to misunderstandings about family dynamics. This can sometimes result in the non-narcissistic parent being incorrectly identified as the abuser.

  • Narcissists may use personal information strategically, recalling hopes, dreams, or fears shared with them and disclosing private details without consent. For instance, a partner’s confidential discussion about their sexual history could be disclosed to others without consent or potentially used to blackmail them or in divorce proceedings. The narcissist will use this information to address their feelings, showing no empathy towards the partner. While lacking empathy within the family, they present a different persona to the outside world.  In a divorce, personal data from intimate moments can be used as leverage to secure a favourable outcome.

The Legacy of Narcissistic Families

Children of parents with narcissistic traits may encounter personal challenges, which might include developing similar traits or personality disorders. They may also experience difficulties with trust, anger, attachment, codependency, and self-esteem. These early experiences can contribute to poor mental health or the development of addictions. Individuals may also experience confusion about the nature of a loving relationship, due to early exposure to an emotionally impoverished environment.  Getting help and finding the right support is a great way to begin recovery and healing.

Where to start

  • Acknowledge that your family of origin may not have acted in your best interests. This requires a period of adjustment and grieving and making the decision to cease these unacceptable relational patterns. It can end with you.

  • Engage in self-care activities such as therapy, meditation, spending time with supportive friends, and making healthy lifestyle choices.

  • Reflect on and reassess your relationship with your parents and family. While contact is not necessary, if you decide to maintain it, set clear boundaries and avoid manipulation. Understanding the situation can help with managing interactions.

  • Avoid rationalising or excusing the poor treatment from narcissistic parents. Compassion can be exploited by them to destabilise and confuse their children, so steer clear of situations where you may hear a sob story. Narcissists often present themselves as victims.  They are reluctant to take responsibility for their actions.  Instead, they will provide a diluted version of events.  One cunning ploy is to narrate a version of events with a grain of truth that explains and justifies their behaviour.  The child may well feel less hostile towards the parent and be more forgiving.  Narcissists are adept at exploiting blind spots.

  • Limit your partners’ or friends’ exposure to the narcissistic family’s charm, fake empathy, and information-gathering tactics.  These people may be used as fresh supply and your decision to set boundaries and reduce contact will protect them as well as you.

Narcissistic families are not confined to any particular demographic or societal group; they can be found across various levels of privilege, poverty, education, religion, and culture. While narcissistic abuse within these family systems may be challenging to identify, the insights provided by individuals who have experienced such situations allow us to recognize specific behaviours that clearly indicate the dynamics present in these families.  This offers those of us in supporting services a clearer understanding of the challenges we face, highlighting the importance of continually learning about this pathology whilst also attending to our own wellbeing.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

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Divorce Done Right: How a Calm Mind Leads to a Fair Resolution
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Divorce Done Right: How a Calm Mind Leads to a Fair Resolution

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

The Role of Emotions in Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences you can ever face. When emotions run high, they can cloud judgment and lead to decisions that are not in your best interest. Heightened emotions such as anger, sadness, and frustration can result in poor decision-making, causing people to act impulsively or spitefully. This can prolong divorce proceedings and increase costs, as conflicts and disagreements escalate. Understanding the role of emotions in divorce is crucial to navigating the process effectively.

Why Heightened Emotions Can Lead to Poor Decision-Making

When emotions are in control, rational thought often takes a back seat. Anger can drive individuals to make vindictive choices, leading to prolonged legal battles that are both financially and emotionally draining. Stress can cause individuals to agree to unfavourable terms simply to expedite the process, resulting in long-term regret. Alternatively dragging out the process for very little gain is not productive either. Recognising these pitfalls is the first step toward a more successful divorce process. Contact the team at Fair Result and right from the outset we will try and help with the emotional stress you are going through. All out clients’ have a personalised WhatsApp link to the team dealing with your case who are contactable every day you need us. In addition, our fixed fee price shared with you right at the start of your case will remain fixed no matter how long your case takes to resolve and should give you peace of mind that you are not getting charged for every phone call, email, or text dealing with your case.

How Stress and Anger Can Prolong Proceedings and Increase Costs

Stress and anger fuel conflict, which in turn extends the duration of divorce proceedings. The more contentious the divorce, the more time and money are spent on legal fees, court appearances, and negotiations. By allowing these emotions to dictate actions, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of hostility and expense. It is therefore essential to approach divorce with a calm and strategic mindset to avoid unnecessary delays and costs. At Fair Result, we focus on what you want to achieve and work hard to get this for you.

The Benefits of a Calm & Strategic Approach

Maintaining a clear and rational mindset during a divorce can lead to more favourable outcomes, both financially and emotionally. When individuals can manage their emotions and think strategically, they are better equipped to make decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How a Clear Mindset Leads to Better Financial Settlements

A calm and clear mindset allows individuals to focus on what truly matters in their divorce settlement. By prioritising financial stability and fair division of assets, individuals can avoid the pitfalls of emotionally driven decisions. This approach often leads to more equitable financial settlements that provide long-term security for both parties. Being bitter over what has happened will not impact on the financial distribution in your case, so don’t let it cloud your judgment.

Why Courts Favour Reasonable, Amicable Negotiations Over Conflict-Driven Cases

Courts tend to favour divorces that are resolved through reasonable and amicable negotiations. Judges are more likely to approve settlements that demonstrate cooperation and mutual respect. Conflict-driven cases, on the other hand, can result in court-imposed decisions that may not be in the best interest of either party. By approaching divorce with a calm and strategic mindset, individuals can present a more favourable case to the court.

Real-Life Examples of How a Level-Headed Approach Resulted in Fairer Outcomes

Consider the case of Jane and John and we represented Jane the applicant wife, who approached their divorce with a calm and strategic mindset. Instead of engaging in heated arguments, they focussed on open communication and mutual understanding. By working together, they were able to reach a fair settlement that provided financial stability for both parties and minimised emotional stress for their children. Their experience highlights the benefits of maintaining a level-headed approach during divorce proceedings. If we can work with both parties who are prepared to negotiate calmly and sensibly, a faster quicker cheaper outcome is swiftly achieved for both parties.

Practical Strategies for Staying Calm & Focussed

Maintaining a calm and focussed mindset during a divorce requires deliberate effort and the implementation of practical strategies. By seeking professional guidance, engaging in mediation, and practicing mindfulness, individuals can navigate the divorce process more effectively. We have a team of counsellors we can pair you up with if you feel this would help.

The Importance of Seeking Professional Guidance Early

Early professional guidance can provide individuals with the information and support they need to make informed decisions. Legal advisors, financial planners, and therapists can offer valuable insights and help individuals develop a strategic approach to their divorce. By seeking expert advice early on, individuals can avoid common pitfalls and set the stage for a smoother process.

How Mediation Can Ease Tensions and Encourage Fair Resolutions

Mediation is a valuable tool for resolving disputes amicably. A neutral mediator facilitates discussions between parties, helping them reach mutually beneficial agreements. Mediation can ease tensions, reduce conflict, and encourage fair resolutions, making it an effective alternative to traditional litigation.

Mindfulness and Stress Management Techniques During the Divorce Process

Practicing mindfulness and stress management techniques can help individuals stay calm and focussed during their divorce. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and regular exercise can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation. By incorporating these practices into their daily routine, individuals can better manage their emotions and approach divorce with a clear mind.

How Fair Result Helps Clients Achieve Fair Outcomes

Fair Result offers a unique approach to supporting clients through the divorce process. By prioritising clarity, reducing financial stress, and providing quick guidance, Fair Result helps clients achieve fair outcomes. The fixed fee and WhatsApp group also helps. Get in touch as soon as you are ready, and we can talk you through our way of working to give you the best possible outcome.

The Unique Approach Fair Result Takes to Support Clients in Maintaining Clarity

Fair Result’s approach emphasises the importance of maintaining clarity and focus. Their expert team provides personalised support and strategic advice, helping clients navigate the complexities of divorce with confidence. By fostering a calm and rational mindset, Fair Result enables clients to make informed decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How Fair Result’s Fixed-Fee Structure Reduces Financial Stress

One of the key features of Fair Result’s service is their fixed-fee structure, which eliminates the uncertainty of hourly legal fees. This approach reduces financial stress and allows clients to budget more effectively. By providing transparent and predictable pricing, Fair Result ensures that clients can focus on achieving a fair settlement without the burden of unexpected costs.

The WhatsApp Service as a Way for Clients to Get Quick Guidance & Reassurance

Fair Result offers a convenient WhatsApp service that allows clients to receive quick guidance and reassurance. This service provides immediate access to expert advice, helping clients stay informed and confident throughout the divorce process. By offering timely support, Fair Result helps clients maintain a calm and focussed mindset.

If you are currently going through a divorce or considering one, reach out to the Fair Result team for a no-obligation consultation. Discover how Fair Result’s expert-led, fixed-fee approach can make your divorce smoother and more manageable. Download the Guide to Divorce for additional support and start your journey towards a fair and amicable resolution.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Breaking Free from Emotional Over-Dependence: 6 Steps to Self-Reliance After Divorce
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Breaking Free from Emotional Over-Dependence: 6 Steps to Self-Reliance After Divorce

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I remember the uncertainty and fear that crept in after my marriage ended. How would I manage on my own with two children after nearly two decades of shared life? Though I wasn’t overly dependent on my ex for emotional support, our lives were deeply intertwined, and his presence had always been a constant. The prospect of untangling those ties felt overwhelming. For some, this is the real deep fear.

Divorce often feels like standing at the edge of a vast, unfamiliar cliff. Behind you lies the life you once knew, and ahead is a new reality where self-reliance becomes essential—often before you feel ready for it. While daunting, this moment also offers the potential for profound transformation.

Divorce is not just about dividing assets or rearranging living situations; it’s about untangling the emotional ties that may have defined you for years. For many, this process reveals a subtle but deep reliance on a partner’s approval, presence, or support. Breaking free from this emotional over-dependence isn’t just a challenge—it’s an opportunity to rediscover your inner strength and independence.

What Is Emotional Over-Dependence?

Emotional over-dependence occurs when your identity or wellbeing becomes too intertwined with another person. In a marriage or long-term relationship, it can manifest as:

  • Seeking constant validation from your partner.
  • Struggling to make decisions independently.
  • Feeling incomplete or unworthy without their support.

While interdependence—a healthy balance of independence and connection—is a cornerstone of strong relationships, over-dependence often leads to feelings of loss and instability when the relationship ends. Divorce, therefore, becomes an opportunity to recalibrate and reclaim your sense of self.

Why Self-Reliance Matters Post-Divorce

Self-reliance is not about isolating yourself or rejecting help; it’s about building confidence in your ability to navigate life’s challenges. Developing self-reliance can:

  • Help you manage the emotional upheaval of divorce.
  • Reduce anxiety by empowering you to take control of your choices.
  • Strengthen your ability to set boundaries, especially in co-parenting situations.

About four months into the separation process, I received a phone call that initially seemed to be from a government official. The call was alarming and caused a lot of anxiety. My first instinct was to call my ex for reassurance. He quickly explained that it was a scam, which was a relief. As I reflected on this moment, I realised how deeply ingrained the habit of seeking reassurance from him had become. It made me realise that part of developing self-reliance is learning to trust my judgment, especially in moments of stress or uncertainty. This was a wake-up call for me: the journey to emotional independence meant finding the confidence to navigate challenges without always relying on someone else for validation.

6 Steps to Break Free from Emotional Over-Dependence

Emotional over-dependence can hold you back from fully embracing your independence after divorce. Learning to rely on yourself and build a strong foundation is a journey, instead with each step forward, you can regain confidence and redefine your life. Here are six steps to help you break free, along with personal insights and actionable tips.

1. Recognise Patterns of Dependence

Begin by reflecting on your relationship dynamics. Were you overly reliant on your partner for decision-making, emotional support, or a sense of identity? Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward change.

For me, wearing my wedding rings was a defining part of my identity. They symbolised being a wife and partner and taking them off felt like losing a piece of myself. Recognising this dependence helped me start redefining my identity on my terms. (Read my blog about The Significance of Taking Your Wedding Ring Off for more insights.)

2. Rebuild Your Identity

Divorce is a chance to rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. Explore your interests, hobbies, and values. Journaling, therapy, or trying new activities can help you reconnect with yourself.

When I started journaling after my divorce, it wasn’t with any grand plan in mind—just an attempt to sort through the overwhelming thoughts swirling in my head. At first, my entries were raw and unfiltered: anger, sadness, fear, and confusion spilled onto the page. But as weeks turned into months, my writing began to shift. I started to think more about what I wanted for myself. After years of giving my ex everything I had, it was time to start focussing on me. Journaling became a tool to rediscover my passions and dreams.

3. Strengthen Your “I-Position

The concept of the “I-position,” rooted in family systems theory, emphasises acting based on your values and rational thinking rather than reacting emotionally. Practice making decisions independently and standing firm in what matters to you.

When I needed to find housing for my children and pets after the divorce, the responsibility fell squarely on my shoulders. For years, most major decisions in our family had been guided by my ex, with me agreeing or going along. This time, it was all on me. I scoured listings, visited potential homes, and considered not just the practical aspects but also what would feel safe and nurturing for my children. It was daunting, but in the end, I made a choice that aligned with my values and instincts. That experience reminded me of my capability and reinforced my belief in my ability to lead and provide.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Learning to say “no” and establishing clear boundaries with your ex-spouse, family, or friends is crucial. This is especially important in co-parenting relationships, where maintaining a focus on the children’s wellbeing can help keep interactions productive.

Flexibility is important in co-parenting, but one of my clients faced a particularly stressful situation when their co-parent requested a very last-minute change to the parenting plan, despite there being no emergency. My client had already made plans, including inviting friends to stay over, which added to the stress. This situation highlighted the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating them respectfully, to avoid unnecessary disruption and prioritise everyone’s wellbeing.

5. Build a Support Network

Self-reliance doesn’t mean doing everything alone. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Friends, family, or support groups can provide a sense of community while you strengthen your independence.

I wrote about this in another blog, “The Four Pillars of Support,” which explores emotional, practical, informational, and social support. These pillars became my lifeline as I worked to rebuild. You can read it here.

6. Focus on Emotional Regulation

Divorce often stirs up intense emotions. Developing tools to manage anxiety, anger, or sadness can prevent emotional reactivity and help you make thoughtful decisions. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, or therapy can be valuable here.

Naming my emotions—whether it was anger, grief, or frustration—helped me process them without feeling overwhelmed. Practices like deep breathing and mindfulness gave me the tools to pause before reacting. As most say, divorce is 95% emotional and 5% legal. To get through your divorce journey, you must allow these feelings to come up, name them, accept them, and release them in healthy ways.

Embracing Your Independence: A Journey of Growth

The path to self-reliance after divorce is rarely a straight line. There will be moments of doubt, fear, or loneliness, but each step forward builds a stronger foundation for your future. True self-reliance comes from trusting yourself, valuing your voice, and knowing when to lean on those who genuinely support you.

Breaking free from emotional over-dependence isn’t just about surviving—it’s about thriving. It’s a journey of rediscovering your identity, embracing your values, and creating a life that reflects your dreams. Strength doesn’t mean going it alone; it means finding the balance between standing confidently on your own and reaching out for connection when needed.

Wherever you are in this process, know that you are capable and resilient. Each challenge you face brings you closer to a more empowered, fulfilled version of yourself. Trust the journey, take it one step at a time, and believe that the best chapters of your story are still ahead.

If you’re ready to rebuild, reimagine, and rediscover your independence, the Just Separated Workbook can be your trusted companion. Packed with practical recovery tools, valuable insights, and guided exercises, it’s designed to support you at every step of your journey. Available worldwide on Amazon, it’s never been easier to take the first step toward healing.

Want to explore it before committing? Grab your free 22-page sample of the Just Separated Workbook here!

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or have questions about your specific situation, consider consulting a qualified therapist, counsellor, or legal professional.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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Resilience After A Relationship Breakdown
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Resilience After A Relationship Breakdown

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Resilience isn’t a skill, or a thing that we achieve, it’s how we organise our lives on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. We can pretty much guarantee that life will throw curve balls at us. It’s not possible to insulate oneself against that, but only possible to be living in a way that means we are more likely than not to walk away from those experiences rather than be ended by them. If life is a care journey, then resilience is the safety belt. If you have never had a crash in your car doesn’t mean you get rid of the seat belt.

So what are the seat belts and the crumple zones of life?

  • Loving, diverse and honest relationships

  • General health and wellbeing lifestyle

  • Self knowledge

  • Broad range of interests

  • Growth mindset

  • Capacity to see the bigger picture

  • Basic needs met – Safety, food, accommodation

When we divorce it’s pretty obvious that some of these resilience factors will be affected. Our basic needs might be at threat and our range of relationships for instance. It may take some time to make those factors more secure, but as we can see other things factor in our capacity to survive the emotional crash. We can turn to our self care and ensure we meet that, we can ensure we keep our hobbies and interests going and not let them slide, we can focus on healthy living by ensuring we exercise and eat properly. 

The fundamental lesson of resilience is that it is achieved via a network of intersecting behaviours and attitudes that don’t work alone. Again thinking about a car crash, the force of the impact is spread through the whole of the car’s system. The crash is spread around the car and therefore is more survivable. The car might end up a right off, but we can walk away. 

Why does having a growth mindset and seeing the bigger picture help?

Studies have shown that one of the useful effects of spiritual beliefs in life is a lesson that it inspires us to go through and experience rather than succumb to it. Believing in the big picture that struggle is an important teacher of growth reduces the risk of depressive collapse or anxious avoidance. It’s not necessary to have a specific belief system but simply to believe that life is not out to get you! As Churchill is ascribed to have said, ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’. This ability to keep going and take action is crucial in resilient living. Resilience isn’t a feeling state, it is keeping going. 

What about self knowledge?

It’s not about what you know about yourself, your own personal diagnosis of yourself that is important, but the skills around thinking and behaviour modification that you used to develop the knowledge. Ford used to cream off the top history graduates every year to join their corporate management structure, not because of the knowledge base of for example Tudor Kings and Queens, but because of the skills in dealing with complex information sources and making some sense of that. Similarly in terms of self knowledge it’s not what you know about yourself but the skills you have in continuing to know yourself as you go through change; a personal form of self reflective practice. 

Maintaining your health and looking after yourself should be self evident as a useful thing to do during stressful times of change, but let’s make it easy:

  • Maintain healthy eating habits as much as possible but also be compassionate if you comfort eat. Eat to a timetable not to feelings of hunger or not. Stress messes up your appetite, so use your diary not your feelings.

  • Stay hydrated with water, not wine!

  • Rest and sleep, if you can’t sleep then rest. Maintain good ‘sleep hygiene’ (search that term).

  • Exercise, preferably outdoors if you can manage it.

Above all, be compassionate to yourself and try to say nice things to yourself in your head as much as possible. If you can’t think of any then search for positive affirmations and use some of those lists.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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