Moving On - Page 11

Rebuilding your life after divorce is a journey of self-discovery and new beginnings. This topic offers inspiration, practical advice, and strategies for healing, personal growth, and embracing new opportunities, whether you're navigating co-parenting, re-entering the dating scene, or rediscovering your passions and purpose.

Closure after divorce

How to get Closure After Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are rituals surrounding transitions in life – except for divorce.

My sons even had a graduation ceremony between nursery and primary school.

There may be a party to announce an engagement followed by a bridal shower and later a hen night. The fellows have their stag party.

The wedding is marked by a reception, whether it is a quiet affair with family, or a big gala at a five star hotel. This is closure for the single life and a celebration to send the newlyweds on their merry way in life.

When there is a death in the family, a funeral service is held followed by a wake. People mourn together, reminisce and have closure.

What happens after the divorce is finalized?

Nothing.

No ritual and no particular closing ceremony.

When my husband and I signed our papers for divorce in my solicitor’s office, I commented that champagne would have been nice. Although our divorce would not be finalized by the judge for several weeks, I felt like there should have been something afterwards. Think I stumbled into a coffee shop for a latte on my way back to the car.

On the day the judge was to issue our divorce decree, my sons gave me flowers and chocolate. My mother took us all out to lunch, more because the ordeal was over than anything else. For the next few years they gave me more flowers and chocolates to mark “our” (their words) divorce anniversary. Friends took me out for a few weeks following my divorce which was a nice gesture. I did not have any specific closing ceremony.

divorce-paper-cake
A wedding cake made out of divorce papers!

In interviewing people – some said that they had a closure activity involving their wedding rings. One said she threw her gold wedding band into a roaring river and it soon was swept away.

Another had her wedding band melted into a pendant.

One woman waited until she had collected two wedding bands to have them made into another piece of jewellery. Some swapped out the diamond for a coloured stone.

I sold my engagement ring on e-bay.

One woman’s friend dragged her out for a complete makeover. Afterwards she commented that was just what she needed and bought a few outfits to go along with her new appearance. A few went out with pals and got their nails done although this was more to reduce stress than specific to divorce.

A few guys went out for beer with their mates after their divorces.

One woman proudly stated that she hired a limousine to take her friends out to several clubs when her divorce was finalized.

The people that had a specific party or gathering felt that it helped them to move along more quickly post-divorce. It was an ending to a former life and a celebration of a new one.

A closure ritual does not have to be a celebration, especially when a divorce is devastating. It can be something small to mark entry back into the single life again.

A few friends acquired a new flatmate after bad break ups and cherished these animal companions when embarking on their new lives.

Some people took a trip, whether to the coast or a more exotic journey, as closure in their divorce situation.

Consider some type of event or action to mark the end of marriage and the beginning of a new chapter.

Did you have a divorce closure party?

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Get back on your feet

The Best Way to Get Back On Your Feet After Divorce

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

How do some people manage to bounce back after their divorce?

One reason may be that they have had time to get used to the idea, they perhaps even instigated proceedings, knew where they would be going, what they would be doing next.

Some people though, do seem better equipped to cope with negative experiences. How do they do that? Are they doing something differently?

What is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce?

– Consider your perspective on life.

Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

– Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed; there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all, you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment, rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

– Value what you have in life.

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

Before they divorce many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy. They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone.

After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

– Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. Start small, making new friends, learning how to manage on your own.

In many relationships some jobs are yours, some your partner’s. Praise yourself when you make that difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

– Surround yourself with positive people and things. Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people, with people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along

get back on your feet
Surround yourself with positive people and things

occasionally if they suspect you need it.

– Find time for reflective interests. Learn to use your free time well.

If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively; maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside. Yes, catch up on chores but commit some time to yourself as well.

– Spend time on your home. After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cozy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about you home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in, to be comfortable about returning to.

– Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to.  Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organize trips with friends or colleagues.

– Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands. Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

– Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone. Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Use your divorce as an opportunity, a new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself. There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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The one that got away

Divorce – The One that Got Away

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Most of us have stories about “The One That Got Away.”

He might have been a high school crush or the lovely woman from a previous job.

When we hit a bumpy road in life, such as with divorce, we wonder “What would have happened if we…?”

You still may be dealing with a broken heart and your friends have a glazed look when he is the topic of conversation for the hundredth time. The cliché “Time heals wounds” does not seem to working for you.

Understanding what the one who got away represents, gives clarity in determining what is lacking in your life now.

That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days. You were younger without all of the current burdens and responsibilities.

When we feel overwhelmed, it is natural for our minds to drift off into fantasyland of what might have been. Does that relationship conjure up fun and excitement that seems to have vanished with divorce?

It does not always mean that you want the actual person back, but rather the circumstance surrounding that former relationship. When a few friends talked about the one who got away, it seemed like they were missing the social clique and parties more than the boyfriend.

What did you learn from that relationship which can be brought into new ones?

the one that got away
That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days.

Perhaps it is having a sense of fun or someone who treats you respectfully. Examine the specific behaviour or action that caused this break up.

If she left you for someone else, then her interest level plummeted and it was over. If you drifted apart – analyse that situation so you can gain closure. We look at the past through rose coloured glasses which can affect our sense of reality regarding a former relationship.

If you had a holiday fling and wonder if it could have been made permanent, rethink this situation. If it was meant to be, then there would have been communication between you two when the holiday was over.

If stuck in the past and having difficulty letting it go, consider seeing a divorce coach to get you back on track.

A way to avoid dealing with present problems is to stay rooted in the past.

A friend did cyber stalking on her former flame who is happily married with a suitable spouse. Both are high powered solicitors who are on the party circuit.

Discussing how his current life choices are so different from hers, was the wakeup call for my friend to move on. She was having difficulty in her marriage which prompted this reminiscence. Going through a divorce stirs up emotions and a longing for pleasanter times from the past.

There are cases where people have reconnected many years later and got married. There are also ones where the same problems from before, sabotaged their relationships again.

Consider relationship counselling if tempted to reunite with the one who got away. Divorce can leave one vulnerable, so do not jump right back into another relationship.

Working on getting a more fulfilling life, diminishes daydreaming about a past love during or after divorce. Enlarging one’s social and professional networks brings interesting people into one’s sphere.

Connecting with others helps to lessen loneliness and gives a sense of community. Understanding why a relationship has continued to haunt us, is the key to exorcizing it for good.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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taking advantage of your divorce

Taking Advantage of your Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Of course divorce is a difficult process.  It’s more often than not shrouded in anger, animosity and resentment. Children get caught in the middle of it all and families and friends are split at times forever.

Yet despite all this, divorce has it’s benefits and advantages, whether you grab them or not is a different matter.

Divorce has its hidden treasures and gifts.

Each time I say this, I’m met with either a raise of eyebrows or a barrage of questions, some a tiny bit on the angry side. How dare I put the words treasure and divorce in the same sentence?

Well I can and I do and here’s why.

It is so very possible to use your divorce as a catalyst to reconnect with life and love.   I should know, I have been divorced twice.

Of course and as in most things, there are cases where this taking charge of your new life is terrifyingly difficult as in the cases where children and parents are separated or abducted.  I have no answer to this as I cannot imagine anything more difficult than not being with my girls.

However, where it’s a “straightforward” divorce and both parents are in contact with their children, here are 6 treasures that divorce has for you, if only you can start taking advantage of your divorce:

  • No matter how acrimonious it is or was, divorce provides you with a new life –   you can either embrace it or reject it the choice is entirely yours. You cannot live both in the past and in the present – one of them will rule and affect the other. Pick the present and you will find a whole new life and world before you, one that might be difficult in the beginning but as you continue on this new path your journey becomes easier and more fulfilling. The first step in doing this requires that you accept that your marriage is over. Really truly accepting that it’s done and that’s that and start writing your new chapter!
  • As the saying goes, “it takes two”. When a marriage ends, it’s never due to the fault of one person. It may not be equal
    Taking advantage of your Divorce
    What’s the title of this new chapter in your life? Go ahead and start writing it.

    blame but we all do play a role in the creation and breakup of relationships. If you can take responsibility for your own role in the demise of your marriage and accepting it completely, chances are that you will not repeat them in your next relationship nor in others be they platonic, business or otherwise. I have yet to meet someone who is and remains totally adamant that they had absolutely nothing at all to do with the break-up.

    Once you look at your divorce as being partly your doing, then you give your next relationship a much, much better rate of survival. There is truly a reason why the rate of divorce in second marriages is much higher than the first.

  • By knowing and understanding why you picked the person that you married then you will know what to avoid next time. The chances of getting involved with the same person albeit in a different from, will be eliminated. Are you attracted to the needy type, the controlling type or the one who is just unavailable.
  • Being able to handle what divorce throws your way and moving on means that you realise your abilities, capabilities and power and this can give you that oomph you need to venture out there and try new things because you can do it! And should divorce come knocking on your door again, you know that you will be fine.
  • When you realise all these things, the biggest and best thing that happens is that you learn to listen to yourself again. Your instinct shines through because you have taken the time to work through the divorce and it’s repercussions, discarding what you want and keeping a hold of what works for you. You have made and created space for this to happen and this gut feeling, this instinct, whatever it is that you want to call it, never means you any harm.

As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@parentinglives.co.uk

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life after divorce for men
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Life After Divorce for Men – Pierre’s Story

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Pierre, a talented pastry chef, lived outside of Paris and when he was thirty-five, he immigrated to America.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success and he eventually hired a team of pastry chefs to do most of the hands on work. He developed recipes and was quite proud of his ten pastry cases.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.
He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.

After twelve years Pierre married a French Polynesian who was twenty-three years younger than him. He sold this successful bakery after several years of marriage, to try a new venture and he and his wife, Palila, moved to a small city in Colorado where Pierre opened a bakery/café.

Palila has a fiery temperament and Pierre is laid back. Palila is drama and Pierre is one who likes calmness. At first Pierre attributed their opposite ways of approaching life, to their age difference. They had a daughter and motherhood did not mellow Palila. Pierre could not deal with Palila’s intense energy and they clashed.

They had different views on how to run the restaurant and the tense atmosphere affected their business. Years down the road, there were less customers and the business was losing money. They closed it, got a divorce and Pierre retired.

Pierre was restless during retirement and longed to be in a commercial kitchen again. After several years of retirement, Pierre applied at a French café and was quickly hired as the pastry chef. Life was good again until Palila also started working at the same French café. Pierre thought they could work together since they were no longer married.

Drama followed Palila and she ordered the staff around as if she owned the place.  After six months, Palila was fired.

Pierre now shares his divorce wisdom with the young male staff:

  • Marry someone in your age group, not a person young enough to be your offspring. The vast age difference did not work in his circumstance.
  • Pick a partner that shares a similar temperament. Sometimes fire and water do not mix.
  • Just because you both share the same first language, that does not ensure a lasting union.
  • Choose someone that you really enjoy being with and have some common interests.
  • Pierre adds that working with an ex-spouse may not be the best idea.

Pierre is well liked at the café and has a following of devoted customers.

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Funny Dating Quotes

Funny Dating Quotes

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dating quotesdating quotesI'm probably single because I never

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Selling your House after Divorce

Selling your House after Divorce – How to do it Quickly

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce, the marital home may be put up for sale with both parties splitting the proceeds.

A quick sale that takes place before the divorce is finalized is ideal.

Our house sold a few months after we got our divorce decree and I insisted upon having our solicitors distribute the money from the sale. We had at least one meeting with them after our divorce, until the sale of the house.

Here are some easy and quick ways to increase your chances and speed of selling your house after divorce during this transition.

  • Select a realtor with a great track record for finding buyers for newly listed property. The average time in the UK for a house to sell is four months. In London and the South East of England, property tends to sell quicker, often under two months. It can take six months or longer in Wales, Scotland, and the Northern part of England. How fast the property sells depends upon the demand in your area. My solicitor chose our realtor due to speedy property sales with her previous family law clients. She was in a big realty company with a vast network.
  • Buy faucets to update your house or flat and give it a newer appearance. My friend had to sell her house soon after her divorce decree to relocate and hired a plumber to replace the faucets. She felt that these shiny new ones got her house sold in days. Getting new toilet seats, shower curtain or other small items, aids in sprucing up the property for minimal cost.
  • Get rid of clutter and many personal items. Have a home for incoming paper work, books, toys, and so forth so they are not scattered around. Take a large bin or laundry basket and thin out books from shelves and clothes from closets. Store boxes and bins at your parent’s house temporarily. The point is to make your home look spacious by removing a lot of your stuff. When eliminating personal photos and travel souvenirs from your place, it helps potential buyers to imagine how their own things will look in this new home.
  • Some people in my area hire “stagers” who come in and give suggestions on making simple changes with décor to increase the potential for sales. In one case a navy bedspread was changed for a cream one, since the former one made the bedroom seem like it had a black hole. They have suggested removing extra paintings to give a room a focal point. Stagers look at what you already own and mainly work with these pieces to help your property look more enticing.
  • How is the curb appeal? There is a house in my neighbourhood that has been on the market for over a year for one simple reason. The paint is peeling on the wood trim around the windows and porch area. For less than £200, it could be scraped and repainted. The yard looks unappealing with overgrown shrubs and high weeds. If a neighbour kid was paid £25 that problem could be fixed easily. Remove any dead shrubs and tidy up the flower beds for an instant transformation.
  • Do not only rely on your realtor. Take photos of your home and put it up on social media with your realtor’s contact information. Consider placing an ad in your local paper if your realtor is not doing that. Let everyone you come in contact with know about your property, from co-workers to your favourite barista at Costa Coffee.
  • Price your house realistically. Go in the medium range for a faster sale. Our realtor wanted way too low and I said “Let’s give it two weeks at this higher price” and it sold for above my suggested one. We had to have an almost immediate sale in my acrimonious divorce. My ex would only stay in collaborative if he could move back into this empty house with me paying half of the mortgage if it did not sell within three months. The realtor and I were afraid that my ex would sabotage the selling of the house once he moved back in. Even my ex’s own solicitor was giving me advice how to get a quick sale, including burying a  statue of St. Joseph on the property.  St. Paul’s Bookstore on Cookridge Street in Leeds, sells “St. Joseph Home Sellers Kit” with precise instructions on how to “evoke the help of St. Joseph” in quickly selling your house. Good luck!

These strategies also work well if you have to sell a parent’s house so that they can go into assisted living or when downsizing with an Empty Nest.

My friends and family were lighting candles in church for a quick sale. Remember to celebrate when your house sells and you divide the money.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce Support Groups

Divorce Support Groups and Workshops UK

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce there are online and offline groups to help one get through this life changing transition.

In the States, it is common for a judge, interim psychologist, or the solicitors to mandate that the spouses take a co-parenting class (separately).

However, after divorce, when I particularly wanted assistance for myself, it was scarcer. Of course I could have gone to a life coach, which is helpful, but I wanted the type of interaction only found in group setting.

In the UK today, there are several organisations in the UK that provide post-divorce support and guidance in such a setting.

The charity Divorce Recovery Workshops (DRW) is mainly staffed by volunteers who have gone through divorce themselves. Their six sessions are around two hours and cover such topics as “Coping with your ex-spouse”, “Letting Go and Forgiveness” and “Thinking about new relationships.”

A video is shown first, followed by a discussion and sharing of experiences. The participants realize that others are going through the same problems and “recovery from traumatic experiences can bring opportunities for personal growth.” DWR has quarterly weekend retreats in lovely country hotels from Friday evening to after Sunday lunch. Since they are a non-profit organization, fees are kept reasonable. Go online to find a workshop near your area www.drw.org.uk

Divorce Care is a global organization that has branches in the UK and elsewhere. I tested this by selecting the various cites of London, Cape Town, Auckland, New South Wales, Australia, Cincinnati (USA) and Chicago and yes there were groups in these places.

Divorce Care meets weekly and shows a “video seminar” first and then there is a discussion and sharing of the participants’ lives.

People learn practical tips that help them recover from divorce. Some Divorce Care participants have stated that it is like becoming part of a family. Divorce Care shows “ways to restore your hope and rebuild your life.” Some branches of this organization have kids groups for those aged 5-12 and are called Divorce Care for Kids (DC4K). Divorce Care’s web site is www.divorce.org

Maypole Woman is a charity run by women and for women which continues to be a support in the post-divorce period. Their helpful links are great no matter where you live in the UK. This Leed’s charity is particularly interested in helping women post-divorce and “enabling them to meet the needs of their children effectively at all times.”   www.maypole.org.uk

Divorce Support Group has specially trained therapists who run small groups for ninety minute sessions for ten weeks. People are evaluated first in an individual session with a therapist that lasts fifty minutes.

The participants range from going through a divorce to being divorced and moving on. The prices are £50 for the initial consultation and £38 per session with a discount if you pay for all of them on the first visit.

Divorce Support Group states “By sharing similar experiences, doing some tried and tested exercises, meeting others in similar situations and by learning to manage your own and your children’s experience of your separation, you will begin to take control back into your life and think about your future instead of only your past.”  www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk

Restored Lives course “supports and empowers people to move forward from divorce…to live a full life free from past issues.”  This charity has group sessions run by people who have been divorced themselves. A meal starts off the evening course followed by discussions in small groups. Some topics covered are: “Resolving Conflict”, “Parenting Issues” and “Moving Forward with Hope.” Restored Lives has courses throughout the UK   www.restoredlives.org

Check the MeetUp.com groups in your locale for specific divorce groups or the more general social ones.

These groups are all around the UK and in many parts of the world. If venting to friends is not enough, it is nice to know that there are organizations that provide post-divorce support in group settings around your area.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Self-hate fast! A journey back to love

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The Goddess Creator

During the blues you begin to see yourself as Quasimodo’s uglier sister, who will never find love again and everywhere we turn there is a new diet, an exercise video or some fast to get us back into our favourite pair of jeans and looking fabulous.

Which we, and when I say we I use it loosely because if you are anything like me, you will stick to it for two weeks feeling lousy and pungent before giving up to lay on the couch to eat your body weight in chocolate and hating yourself just a little more for giving up, for not trying. For being single again, for the hole in the ozone layer; during the blues there seems to be little reason not to practice some self-hate.

I had this crazy thought that among all the faddy diets and extreme fasts that we are going to be bombarded with, there was one we absolutely had to try – the Self-Hate fast!  In the year that has just gone by at one point or another, we were unduly unkind, unloving and darn right cruel to ourselves, withholding love, abundance, and the gift of self-care.

You are probably thinking how the heck do I know?

Well the answer to that question is simple; I had been very guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I have talked very badly about myself, been hyper-critical and unduly hard on me. Denying myself time to rest or appreciating where I was, I kept looking out and comparing me to others, which was just unkind, unloving and  just  wrong.

So to start 2014 I’m going on a Self-hate fast a 30 day journey back to love, to falling back in love with me.  I will love for you  to join me and  the very cool  thing about this fast is that you  don’t need to go hungry, eat weird  food  combos or drink anything that has the look and  smell of  pond water and you  can  be around company when you do it  😉 *hehehehehe*

Treat you like you are your best-friend.

To set up and follow this fast is simple.  Things you will need are a journal where you can capture all the things that come up for you in the next 30 days, create a self-loving list which is a list of the things you want to do for you, a speed-dial sister that will hold you accountable and share the journey with you.

You will need to be open to treating you like you are your best-friend or cherished loved one, be willing to give yourself the gift of love, self-care, focused attention, forgiveness, kindness and seeing yourself through loving eyes.

On the first day create space for you! Ask your husband, partner, ex, best bud or family to look after the kids for you as you prepare some space to see you the woman. Not the mother, the partner, wife or whatever setup you may have, not the daughter or sister. It’s time to see you, that neglected side of you that you have pushed to the backburner, while you took care of everyone and everything else.

As you unearth that thing you have always wanted to do for yourself and give it voice,  it could be taking up that  dance class you  had always wanted to do,  taking up aerial hops, the acting classes you promised yourself at 18, running away and joining the circus for the day.  Ask your 10 year old self what she really wanted to do when she grew up and give it a try. You have the option to decide if what you pick is still something you want to do. If it is put it as the first item on your self-loving list and spend the rest of the time enjoying your own company with some simple self-indulgence.

For the next 29 days give yourself the gift of kindness by saying something kind and loving to you, it may sound totally weird and odd to tell yourself how amazing you think you are but we have no issues with being mean and darn right hurtful to ourselves as we call ourselves stupid, unlovable, selfish, fat, unattractive, loser are you getting the drift?

So for the next 29 days trade it for you are loving, beautiful, enough, joyous, desirable, happy, you belong, you are loved, you are_____________ You fill in the gaps with what works for you.

Next is to look at the woman you are through loving eyes.  Look at yourself in the mirror with loving eyes so don’t look for the perceived flaws or stuff.  Look at one feature a day and say something loving and kind about that part, like you have the most amazing eyes, your skin is so even and beautiful……… Yes it will feel odd, uncomfortable and slightly weird but remember for the duration of the fast you have chosen to treat yourself like you are your own best friend or loved one.

Let me ask you this?

Do you not complement your friend on how great she looks and how fantastic she is?  Do you not tell your child that you loved them to the moon and back again? Now is the time to extend that courtesy to you, so for the next 30 days you have the permission to speak to yourself in loving ways. You get to add one item a day to your loving list of things you will do to and for you…. During the fast you give yourself the gift of forgiveness for all the decisions and choices that you have made in the past that may have not gone the way you wanted.

Are you beginning to get the picture?

The self-hate fast is about coming face to face with your most loving version of yourself the one you normally reserve for others in your life and turn her on you, so you can benefit from that love you direct outwards you get to share with you which will in turn fill up your love tank so you can be more loving with the people in your life. As the old adage goes charity begins at home for our purposes being loving starts with loving self-first!

Unbridled Joy and Brilliance,

Lillian Ogbogoh

Seduction Discovery Specialist

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Serial Dating after Divorce

Divorced Dating – Picky vs. Realistic

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

When interviewing both genders on the qualities they seek in a partner, men were more general and women tended to have a long shopping list of requirements.

Some of these seemed to still be rooted back to uni days, such as “he must be buff” or have “an awesome sports car.”

Now is the time to update your list of qualities for partners by your current age and not your younger self.

Divorced Dating – Too Picky?

Kathy is 5’8’’ and wears 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels and is only looking for a date who is 6’2’’.  She says this height is just perfect for her.

Reasoning with Kathy has not worked. Are you looking for a very specific type – like a key to a lock?

Do you feel that there is only one person who is right for you and bypass others who are nearly right? A clue this is happening is by having many dry spells between dates.

Brenda specifies that all people she dates must love doing day hikes. Even if guys are active in other ways, not doing day long hikes was the deal breaker for her. When asked why she could not hike and meet up with the guy afterwards, Brenda answered “no way.”

In contrast, Jerry is divorced and an outdoorsy type of fellow who swims almost daily. Although he is seeking an active woman, she does not have to even get in the water, much less go swimming. Jerry said that he could have a date with a girlfriend after he goes to the pool. If they go on vacation, he will swim in the ocean while she reads on the beach. He is more flexible and willing to compromise than Brenda is.

Having high standards with ethics and spirituality is not being too picky.

If marrying outside of your religion is non-negotiable, then date only members of it. There are specific dating sites, such as for Jewish singles or Mennonites, and online searches are easy.  If sex outside of wedlock is taboo then date only others who also share this belief.

Values that align with someone else’s is the basis for a long-term relationship.

What Do You Bring To The Table?

A few women stated that they were looking for handsome men to take them travelling on a long-term or permanent basis.

When asked “What do you bring to the table?” they went blank. When probed, what qualities do you possess that would specifically attract such a boyfriend they could only answer “Well, that is who I want to marry.”

dating post divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukFriends probably are not going to point out to these few that they lack charisma, charm and the ability to hold stimulating conversations on a variety of subjects with people of different cultures. Think about what great qualities you have that would attract the type of person you want to date.

Be exactly clear what you mean when using labels to categorize people.

Sandy is a hairdresser who states that she does not date doormats. She runs around with a biker crowd and has had some relationships post-divorce that teeter on the brink of abuse.

A fantastic, kind man came into Sandy’s life. He would sometimes drop by the salon with flowers for her. Sandy’s co-workers and customers adored him. Sandy kicked him to the curb. Why? Sandy’s faulty thinking confused being a nice, respectable guy with being a doormat.

Make a list of the qualities that you seek in a spouse by order of importance.

Look at the more trivial ones at the end to determine if they can be eliminated. Sometimes relationships develop slowly and grow with intensity over time. One may lose out on a great love if the first date lacked chemistry and there was not a second one. Of course be safe and if your gut feeling is screaming at you to bail, then do so.

You may be feeling something is greatly amiss on a subconscious level. Avoid  being too picky by dumping someone too quickly because they did not tick every box on your list.

Do you have your list?

Are you a picky or realistic dater?

Would love to know.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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divorced and happy
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Divorced and Happy!

Published on
Divorced and Happy www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Marie Abanga

It is so scary to finally get to that point when you so want a divorce!

That was me and I finally got one when l recently returned to Cameroon my country and place of birth.

Synopsis

I used marriage as a refuge from my mother’s house.  I was running away from a home where I felt so out of place as I rightly or wrongly assumed I wasn’t welcomed.

But, I also wanted to be married hoping the new status as a Mrs X, will shield me from my self harm and provide me some sort of ‘one in all social and emotional package’ that I longed for.

The foundation of my marriage was already damaged and so was the marriage itself.  The abuse started soon after and before long,  it became clear that the Marriage I had ran to, was now threatening to devour me and at some point I remember spending several days and weeks contemplating suicide.  I needed to escape…again.

This time, my route out of my unhappiness consisted of having one affair after another seeking validation and attention from others.  Needless to say that this behaviour only made me feel worse each time but it also led me to realise that if I were to save myself, I would need to leave my marriage.

I knew how divorce was viewed by those around me and I knew that I risked being labelled as one of those women who allowed her marriage to fail, who was unable to hold on to her man.  But I also knew that that was what I needed if I were to survive.

The Divorce Process

Obtaining a divorce isn’t the easiest of processes and it’s not just about whatever is written on paper declaring that a marriage has been terminated.

For me, the divorce was getting ready to let go of six years of my Life, owning up to my mess, and being ready to start off again but most importantly and making the very difficult decision to leave my children behind.

At first my now ex-husband and I wanted to go ahead with the divorce procedure after 7 months of living apart.  I thought I was ready but he wasn’t and he made it clear that he would make my life hell.  I knew I wasn’t strong enough to go test his threats so I left him to take his time and make up his mind when he would need the divorce too.

It took a whole year, or thereabouts, before he was ready. He informed me on the eve of filing the papers and I being a lawyer, advised him on the most effective procedure, guaranteeing I would not make any claims other than the right to see my Children whenever I came home. I never sought any financial support.

Once filed, the procedure took barely 5 months. I did not make a court appearance nor was I represented by anyone. This was a deliberate choice and one made out of need to simplify procedure. A divorce by default is easier to obtain in my Country.

What took a long time in my case, was obtaining all the necessary papers for a final judgment to be established.

Realizing my ex had lost momentum in a procedure he initiated, I got in touch with his lawyer, a senior colleague I knew and had actually encouraged my ex to retain,  paid whatever fees he was reclaiming and I followed up the divorce I now so badly needed.

I finally got all the papers I needed to proceed to my change of status and today, I am finally divorced!

Although the memories will forever stay with me, for a long time coming, I really don’t feel bad about that period anymore.  Yes, my sons don’t live with me but I know their father loves them and is an even better dad now than when I was around.

Divorced and Happy!

Although I never got to meet my ex when I was recently in Cameroon, I really wasn’t bothered.

I called him a few times, I even brought him a gift which he acknowledged out of politeness. I don’t care if he decides not to keep it for whatever reason but there’s a part of me, my flesh and blood, which he would never consciously give up – our children.

He is very firm when he tells me they are HIS SONS. He even denied me contact on the eve of my departure even though I had had them alone for two weeks. No ill feelings though, no trauma, no painful emotions to address in that area. I am moving on and I know my well being is of utmost importance at the moment.

I am just glad I finally got divorced!

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

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Why do People Cheat?

Published on

Why we Love, Why we Cheat

“What is to love?”  asked Shakespeare.

“Anthropologist Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic – love – and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. She closes with a warning about the potential disaster inherent in antidepressant abuse.”  source TedTalks

Helen Fisher did a fab job in talking about why do people cheat, such a wide subject in so much depth in such little time.

She talks about:

–  What is Romantic Love?

–  Where is love going?

–  What are the main characteristics of Romantic Love?

She asked and answered several questions to her research subjects including:

  • “What percentage of day and night do you think about this person?”
  • “Would you die for him or her?”

Are men and women really different?  If so how are they different?

Why does the 21st century marriage hold for us?

 

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