Linda Simpson

Has your personal life been upended as the result of a marriage breakup? Are you longing to get beyond the painful dazed and confused feeling that surrounds you? There is a path forward to your divorce recovery.

I know this to be true because I have felt that pain and uncertainty. Decades after a very traumatic divorce, I have survived and thrived. Now I am focused on my work as a social-emotional learning coach helping others find their divorce recovery.

This personal guide will be your helping hand as you put your new life together.

What is Social-Emotional Learning?

Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) includes:

Self-Awareness + Self-Management + Responsible Decision-Making +

Relationship Skills + Social Awareness = a skill set that helps us to better understand our emotional self.

Why SEL?

SEL is a blueprint for living and nowhere is it more useful than in divorce recovery. Why?  Divorce is one of the most intense emotional experiences you will ever have in life. It challenges your self-identity.

With SEL skills you can reclaim the person that might have got lost in the lead up to the divorce.   Social-emotional learning (SEL) skills can be your pathway to divorce recovery.

How does this guide work?

Beginning with self-awareness this series will offer an organized healing path forward.  Through journaling your response to thoughtful questions and observations, the goal will be to gain a greater sense of self. So often, there is a part of us lost in the divorce process. With SEL as the framework, this organized approach will help restore some calm and harmony amidst the chaos and confusion you might have been feeling.

How will self-awareness help you?

In the lead-up to a divorce, you were probably extremely focused on your partner and their behaviour. Most likely you spent enormous amounts of time thinking about them and not taking care of yourself. Chances are you put your own emotional needs behind that of your partner as you tried to hold the marriage together.

As well, your former partner might have been quite free with criticism and judgments of all your perceived character faults. I know mine went to great lengths to dissect my character. Like I was, you are now faced with trying to pick up the pieces of your fragile and battered self.

Investing time in this process will help re-establish and nurture your self-confidence and optimism. These traits have quite possibly been in short supply in your life lately.

Where do you start?

Dedicate a writing space to your recovery. Whenever I have a special personal writing project, I find a journal notebook that has a captivating design that boosts my mood every time I pick it up. My pens are always blue ink. Treat yourself to writing materials that please you and then, with love, dedicate it to your social-emotional learning divorce recovery and jump write into this journey of journaling self-discovery.

First things first.

Let us begin our self-awareness with an act of kindness. Think about your strengths. These might include perseverance, honesty, and integrity.  Are you a very loyal friend to others? The possibilities are many. Maybe there are some you have not even noticed about yourself. Dig deep. It is time to value yourself. You might want to enlist the help of a trusted friend with this personal exploration.

Begin as many sentences as you can with:

My great strength is _________________________________________________

I am proud of it because______________________________________________

As a further personal challenge:

Consider what your spouse said were your weaknesses. Were they strengths? For many years, my perceived flaws were flung at me with impunity.  I later realized some of those flaws were my strengths that intimidated my former spouse.

Every good run at self-awareness does require facing our weaknesses because they are also part of us. With these traits, we need to carefully have a look without harsh self-judgment. Analyzing our weaknesses is not about self-sabotage but it is meant to help us know ourselves better.

Finish these sentences as many times as needed:

A weakness I have __________________________________________________

Answer it whichever way fits.

I accept that weakness because________________________________________

or

I can change that weakness by_________________________________________

Then

I can begin with _____________________________________________________

Maybe there is not a way to change some of these traits right now.

How do you get to a level of acceptance and patience with yourself?

Responsibilities

Next, take some time to write about the responsibilities in your life.

Remember:

You cannot take care of others if you do not take care of yourself.

Chances are you have responsibilities that might include childcare, your parents needing attention, or a demanding job, or all of that and more.

Consider how these responsibilities affect you. Be honest because journals are nonjudgmental and never tire of listening.

Many responsibilities do not stop for the healing needed after a divorce.

Now take some time to answer these questions.

Begin by listing all the responsibilities in your life.

Do some weigh heavier than others? Why?

Is there any space or place for rebalancing these responsibilities?

You may need to revisit this several times over the coming months.

Next, consider how you can manage these responsibilities.

Look at the demands of each. Are they reasonable?

Are there ways to lessen the burden in some?

Are there some that should require more attention?

Take some time to appreciate all the work you do to fulfil these responsibilities by reflecting in your journal.

The answers to these questions will help you establish a starting point for a way forward with your responsibilities.

Believe that with perseverance and effort you are going to make life whole again. The absolute best investment we can make is the time it takes to heal and reclaim ourselves. You can do it. Contact me through the following address and I will cheer you on.

We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you –email: letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

CLICK HERE FOR LINDA’S ADVICE COLUMN – LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I don’t know if I can do it. There is so much written about abusive men, but I was the victim in our marriage and left my wife right after the new year last January. It has not been an easy year and now she wants to share Christmas and our kids want us to make a plan and get organized so we can do it. How do I manage this? I love my kids but I can’t pretend anything with my former wife. I do not want to stay with them on Christmas Eve. We share custody in a co-parenting arrangement that has worked through the lockdown. Without disappointing my kids, what can I do?

First of all, you need to remember, you have a voice and a choice in the matter. You have mentioned what your former wife and your children want but what arrangement would work for you?

The very first thing you need to do is decide exactly what plan feels most comfortable. You have said you don’t want to stay overnight Christmas Eve but would you open presents together Christmas morning? Is this possible?

The focus should be on your children and not on your former wife with everyone prepared to be flexible with the plans. It is not the time to bring up old wounds or argue. It has already been a stressful year in so many ways. Aim for neutral in every dealing with her if you can.

Try to collaborate on gift-giving for your children. It would not be helpful to attempt to overshadow each other’s gifts for your kids. Can you have a conversation about gift decisions? Think about your own gift ideas before the conversation and negotiate. An abundance of gifts or extravagance does not fix anything and sets a precedent that can get out of control in the coming years.

Talk to your children about the options you feel are acceptable for holiday plans. You can arrive early Christmas morning and not miss any of the excitement. If you feel a whole day is not manageable, then leave for a few hours and come back to have a meal together.

If that feels like too much then talk to your kids about doing your own Christmas morning. Your former wife can do presents and a meal with them one day and you can do the same thing the next day. Without oversharing, be honest with them when explaining your decisions.

This is the first Christmas apart and new traditions will need to be created. Because it is the first Christmas after the separation it is also the biggest challenge. Remind your kids how much they are loved and that the holiday is a chance for some new beginnings.

Remember that children often feel it was their fault the marriage ended. They need to feel secure and loved and maintaining some civility with your former wife over the holiday is one step toward that goal. Be honest with them that you are doing the very best you can to make the holiday work. If you can think of a good idea together, start a brand-new tradition with your kids, one this is just yours.

Every family member sees the change in a different way and that means extended family and friends will all have opinions about what is the best choice. Be open with them about your choices and ask for their support. If anyone gets a little overzealous with advice, ask them to wait till the new year for those heavy discussions.

Make time for yourself through the holiday. Divorce recovery takes time and recovering from an abusive relationship requires even more attention. If you haven’t already, think about some counseling. Start with your family doctor for suggestions and go from there. A good counselor should offer a feeling of safety and trust. Make a choice that works for you.

Christmas holidays are the most pressured time of year. Emotions run high under normal circumstances. A divorce and a pandemic are enormous challenges to tackle. Keep your expectations in check.

It will not all go according to plan so best be prepared for some compromise and some disappointment. The goal is to get through the holiday with your children feeling a level of happiness, you feel that your voice was heard, and that the plans worked reasonably well.

For a complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda contact The Divorce Magazine UK.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Main Photo by Jeremiah Lawrence on Unsplash

My former father in law created a family life that was in constant upheaval because of his moodiness. They never knew what his mood would be or why. He was unpredictable and the family lived in chaos as a result. He finally left the family and went away. My ex-husband grew up catering to his father’s moods.  I thought that our family life would be different because he could talk about it and see how erratic moods destroy a family. He tried to be different with us, but it was all he knew. Our kids could never trust that a good mood would last or when a bad mood would take over. He finally left in the early spring just before the lockdown. I feel like it is life repeating itself. I am trying to put our lives back together. He hurt me, he hurt our kids until there was nothing left to our family. Even now I wonder if he realizes that he did that. We are trying to sort out the childcaring, but my kids are reluctant to spend too much time with him. I am living on emotional overload.

You are dealing with many emotional issues at one time. It is no surprise that you feel you are living on overload.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. Self care for several reasons is especially important right now. Take some time just for you in whatever way that can happen. It might be a regular long walk, or a yoga session or meditation but make time for yourself.

When people separate, they are faced with many decisions and that can be overwhelming. On a practical level begin by listing the decisions in order of priority. It is helpful for a few reasons. One is that you see what needs to be done and as you check things off the list there is a certain satisfaction. If you have not already, keep a journal. It can be your best friend in difficult times.

Your children will need to see their father and spend time with him. Their reluctance creates more stress for you. However, with some planning they can learn to manage. It is quite reasonable to say to your former spouse that if he gets moody, the children will want to come back to your place. If that is arranged before then if it does happen that he gets moody, there is no surprise. He knows how his father’s moodiness affected him, and he can be reminded of that fact.

Remember, the problem is his moodiness and not his affection for his children. You said he did try to not be like his own father. In language they understand, help your children to separate the behaviour from the person. His behaviour is the problem.

It does not change the fact that what they worry about is his moods. Help them to notice triggers that might lead to a bad mood. If they can identify it before it happens, there are ways to de-escalate such as changing the subject or going outside for a time. If that cannot happen, then they call you.

If he could identify his father’s own behaviour, then chances are he knows when he is behaving the same way. If he did not like the way his father behaved, he probably does not like himself much in those times either. He has a road ahead to get to a better place. Moodiness and anger have their roots somewhere in his life and he will need to commit to finding and facing the reasons for his moods and his need to escape his family.

Right now, your life should be about creating a safe and secure homelife for you and your children. As much as is possible at this time, put his moods in the background of your new family setup. Your children may need to talk about their father but monitor their talk and gently move the conversation on to other topics.

We are living in uncertain times and there is not much that we have control over until our world stabilizes. You can create some security within your home by being the parent your children need. There is a certain freedom now because you do not have to deal with your former spouse’s daily mood swings. Concentrate on creating warmth and security and a stable home. You and your children will benefit.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Will my kids grow up to be like their Dad? My daughter is 14 and my son is 16. Last year he left us and told me he was done with being a parent. The kids were old enough to be independent he said. They did not really need him anymore and this was his time to start to enjoy life. I am not sure what he thought he had been doing up to that point. He has a younger girlfriend and she does not want anything to do with his children. It reminds her how old he is she says. He calls occasionally but has little interest in their wellbeing. Now I am worried that my kids will think this is how marriage works. When you need more excitement you just move on. Please tell me they will not be like him.

The very first thing to do is ensure that you take care of yourself. There are so many worries associated with separation. You have an enormous responsibility now as a single parent and self-care is especially important to sustain your own emotional needs.

You are not alone in worrying that your children will see their father’s choices repeated in their future adult lives. I think any parent who has had a runaway spouse thinks it could happen with their own children. There are no guarantees in life but there are things that can be done to help your children move into adulthood with a solid understanding of healthy relationships.

We have learned that children survive and thrive with one good parent. Focus on being the best parent you can be. Make time for them, even at their age, they need to feel secure. Their life has been turned upside down. If you feel abandonment, they do too.

Children learn what they live. Be the model of the person you want them to be. Highlight values in your parenting. Use every opportunity to show them the difference between right and wrong and the importance of being responsible for their actions. Help them to understand we have no control over how others behave but we do have self-control.

As difficult as it might be, limit the criticism of your former spouse. Your children are at an age where they can make their own conclusions about their father’s choices and behavior. Those opinions may change as they get older and time has passed.

Support them when he disappoints them because he will disappoint them, and it will hurt them. Someday he may see his mistakes and he may not. Encourage them to accept whatever future outcome they experience with their father. It may include a warmer relationship. Remind them that they have personal control over how that relationship with their father evolves. They should make their own choices about their father’s place in their lives and not be coerced into anything. Encourage them to focus on the many positives you have together. Be realistic with them.

They will need to vent but be cautious about spending too much time in the past. You can be the conversation guide. Give them the opportunity to share their frustrations but guide the conversation toward acceptance of family life as it is now. You will feel those same frustrations and will feel some gratification with the criticism of their father but moving beyond those criticisms will be healthy for everyone.

Remind them of all the things that are good in their life. Make sure that the three of you form a solid, secure family unit. Have some fun. Fill the space left by your former spouse with a new future.

As they mature and the distance between the family breakup increases, life will become less about his leaving and more about your life together. You will create new memories, new traditions that are yours to celebrate. We cannot anticipate the future, but what you have right now is the opportunity to create a solid foundation for that future.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Front Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay

The Dress

The colours in this portrait are in sharp contrast, bumping up against each other, cold and bold

The kitchen window frames my single silhouette in this scene, the pose rigid and frigid

How am I feeling?  Relief – a decision was made. Mixing it up are the odd skips of my heart.

Outside on the street a large, black garbage bag slumps on the sidewalk

In the snow.

It looks a bit like Jabba the Hut in his curbside garbage day kingdom or maybe it’s Absolem, that hookah-smoking caterpillar pointing the way ahead.

I can see their puffed lips and sinister smile appearing in the folds of the bag as it settles into place, the twist tie wrenching it all up into a curved head.

Inside the black bag is a white dress,

All satin, lace and crusted pearls.

Briefly my mind wanders – What is a crusted pearl?

The dithering about what to do with the dress is finally over,

For years, ironically in retrospect, it was bagged up in a dark corner of the closet.

It is tainted, the lustre is long gone from the silky, smooth satin.

The waxy scent of a candlelit night many years ago snuffed out by reality.

I hear the garbage truck’s giant jaw grinding somewhere nearby, chewing up the rubbish from my neighbour’s weekly life

Then the gears shift as it gets closer, the motor is sluggish and then surges, lumbering along, slowly heaving its way down the street

The phone starts chirping off in another room.

Later when I look out the window

There is nothing left on the sidewalk but a wet, black, bare patch surrounded by a little mound of white flakey snow. The kingdom has been abandoned.

Feeling far less rigid and cold – I wonder-

If deceit were a colour then what would it be?

There are moments in life that we never forget. They are markers -there was a before and an after and life was never the same. That night many years ago when my marriage ended was just such a moment in my life.

Silhouettes and Silence

He parked the car and turned off the engine.

Frost slowly seeped up the windows creating a cold metal cocoon, a shroud to the outside world.

His silhouette, the one I had known since I was a child, from that love at first moment so many years ago, etched a sinister black line against the window.

His shoulders sagged. His chin dropped.

Moments passed, the evening chill surrounded us, and then his voice mumbled, his lips barely moving.

Words spilled out into the cold night air. Slowly, one word followed another and wove a tale of deception that stretched back years and years, all the way back to our childhood.

I sat there numb with shock and anger and disbelief. Where had I been? What life had I been living with him?

His words carried away my history. It evaporated into the night.  All that was left was the shame I felt for believing in him.

Gone was the life I thought I knew. Gone was the warmth of our shared family memories. Gone was every reality I thought I had lived with him.

A whole life was snatched away from me that night.

There was only one question to ask.

“Why?”.

“I thought you’d never find out,” he said.

We sat together in the car for a while, so near and now so far apart.

Silence filled the space between us.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

Click here for more articles by Linda as well as Letter to Linda

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.