He won. He has a new girlfriend and soon to be his wife. Our divorce has not even been completed and he has moved on to this brand-new life. I am struggling to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. We did not have any children because he said he was not ready to be tied down with family commitments, but his girlfriend is already expecting their baby. I feel gutted by his lies and his ability to just wipe the slate clean and move on so quickly. Where do I begin to put myself back together?
There are times when we feel we have lost in the game of life. But at some point in the future you will see it all very differently. Right now you are feeling like an outsider looking in on life but you are not an outsider. Those thoughts allow him to have power and control over you. The hurt you feel right now is overwhelming you. It will take time but that hurt will begin to lessen and gradually a sense of your own future and your own control of that future will overtake the hurt.
It is all one step at a time. First, if you have not already, start journaling all these emotions. A journal can be your best friend and never gets tired of hearing the same thing repeatedly. It may take many pages to finally release some of that hurt. You will.
We only have control over our own thoughts and actions. What your former spouse has decided to do is his choice. Work towards letting go of allowing what he does to have power and control over you and your emotions. Take back your personal power and his effect on you will lessen. One way to do that is to take back your thoughts. Thinking about what he might be doing is allowing him to still have control. You are in charge of your thoughts so make them about you and your future.
When you find your thoughts slipping toward wondering what he is doing or feeling anger toward him, make a conscious effort to shift your thoughts toward something else. Even if it is planning your evening meal, you will immediately feel a leveling out of your emotions.
Consider all the things you can think about and keep a list on your phone. Look at it if you need prompting and turn your thoughts over to you, your life, your goals and your future. The more you do this then the easier it becomes. The bonus is that you will think about him less and less. Managing our thoughts has a positive effect on our emotional health and is a key factor in divorce recovery.
A counselor can be extremely helpful. They will help you process the hurt and help you to see your own self-worth. You will learn to let go of the outward focus on your ex-husband’s new life and refocus your energy on yourself and your life’s goals.
As you feel more secure with your own life, begin to consider what those future goals will be. We all have secret dreams we keep to ourselves. Choose one and start to plot the steps to reach that goal.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle. It may take some effort to begin but take charge of your physical health too. Walking is a very easy activity to add to a day. It is healthy and therapeutic. As you feel more energetic and your ability to cope with your life increases, other options will seem attainable. Yoga classes and hiking groups are opportunities to take part with a group and a chance to meet new people as well.
You will hear friends and family members say that you need to let him and your anger go. Be mindful of the fact that you will but it will be on your timeline. Every one of us after a traumatic divorce heal on our own schedule. It may not be as quickly as others think is possible but believe in yourself and know that you will heal.
As remarkable as it might seem at the moment, you may wake up someday and see this divorce as a positive catalyst because it will set you on a path to achieving goals you never thought possible.
All of it will take time. Be kind and patient with yourself.
We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you – email@example.com
ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON
“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.