Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Liar in your life
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Is there a Liar in Your Life?

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

I was married to a liar for 25 years.

At a very personal level, I have first-hand knowledge of the devastation lying creates in people’s lives.

I know that liars can be clever, charming, smug, and thoroughly convincing.

Scott Peck, in People Of The Lie, which The Wall Street Journal called a ground breaking book, described lying as a human evil.

Liars are: “Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection…They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them….While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their ‘goodness’ is all on a level of pretence. It is, in effect, a lie,” according to Peck.

It is a book that deserves to be revisited at this time in our new world order where lying is an everyday occurrence.

Such is the shock that lying has become the new truth, media outlets had to scramble for appropriate language in their reporting. The next challenge was to find a way to approach the liars and their lies at the same time keeping their incredulity in check.

Liars all have very similar traits.

First of all they have an agenda. There is a reason for their lying. In my case it was to hide a very big secret. Or it can be delusions of grandeur and power. It may simply be to play a game to find out how far they can push the other side of truth. There is always a motivating factor.

They build their base carefully. Try the crowd on for size. If they get away with one lie, then they branch out. One lie begets another and another, a bit like Pinocchio’s nose.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt, it is another cornerstone of the liar. Deny.

One particularly favourite line I heard when my marriage broke up was ” I have no knowledge of that.” A clever way to dodge honesty. Curiously enough I have since heard many people use that line in television interviews.

Constantly shift the landscape is another tactic. Never let the spotlight shine too brightly on one area. Change the discussion focus, metaphorically go out for a smoke if conversations start going in the wrong direction.

Contrary to popular lore, really good liars do not shift their gaze or get fidgety in the midst of a lie.

Science has proven that these liars build separate brain wave patterns for the lying side of their life. Hence their ability to lie so believably. In that sense it is a truth, their truth or their alternative fact.

A liar has a very astute understanding of the personal target or people in their audience. Tell them what they want to hear is an effective marketing tool and is also in the liar’s arsenal.

If a particular lie gets a very positive response and the crowd roars with approval, they quickly up the ante. Often these lies get more outlandish with each roar of the crowd and the liar lets the adulation wash over them.

All the while the liar portrays sincerity. The ‘awe shucks’ approach is another tactic. I am just like you they will say. The person is drawn into this ‘you and me against the world’ line. Here’s someone that really understands and cares about me the crowd hopes. It’s a dance, an act with a sinister goal of power and control.

A good liar is a good manipulator. If they need to shift the focus they do. They readily identify when the time is right to throw a curve into the works. If one topic is creating too much heat, throw out something truly outlandish to catch the top headline and shift the focus.

What do you lose along with truth when there is a liar in your in life? Trust, one of the basic tenets of any relationship. Once discovered, liars call into question everything they say and do. Remember the story of Peter and The Wolf. Eventually the town’s people stopped listening.

What else do we lose with a liar in our life? The liar leaves a trail of disequilibrium which ultimately results in chaos.

It is that unease, dis-ease that allows the liar to keep lying. Petulant, child-like, always upending the next topic. Sucking all the oxygen out of the air.

Liars are constantly chasing their own fame and glory. It is their ultimate destination. A destination achieved at any cost where we hear the telephones are beautiful-elegant even.

The world is in uncharted territory today. The media noted that we have always had a plethora of tinpot despots. As we’ve seen, the odd Rasputin sidekick is thrown in for good measure. It was easier to rail against regimes on another shore.

Giving attention to the liar fulfils their evil objective. Ultimately the truth will out and we must contribute to that truth at every opportunity.

Meanwhile, in these uncertain times, we can take some comfort listening to Willie, “Living in the Promised Land.”

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

You might be interested in

books on divorce
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The 10 Books on Divorce That Saved Me

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Twenty years after my divorce, I can remember — vividly — the books that saved me during those early days of finding my way alone.

Each book gave me something- the language, hope, and understanding- to help me process the trauma.

Millions of people experience the pain of divorce each year. The right book can be a great comfort.

In one of the ironies of life, I was taking the university course titled “The Philosophy of Love” as my marriage crumbled.

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis was on the reading list.

I learned to examine love beyond the words- I love you. I realized for the first time, that ours had been an immature, naïve love. That’s what can happen when you marry your childhood sweetheart. Sometimes there is no room for emotional growth.

A mature love, according to Lewis is a balance of four loves. Reading his book helped me identify the holes in what I had perceived as our ‘ perfect’ little high school romance.

The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Amity Pierce Buxton is one of a very few books on this topic.

It was enormously helpful for a woman like me, 20 years ago, living in a very small town, without any reference material to help me understand. We shared the same marriage experience. She gave me hope for a better day.

Her book dedication reads in part “to my children…whose love sustained me in my journey from trauma to transformation.”

I too will always be grateful for my sons’ constant love and support in my journey.

Man’s search for Meaning by Victor Frankl was sobering.

It is a book that puts real suffering in perspective. There was far worse misery in life than my divorce. Most important, there was- free will- the choice to survive and carry on with life. We can choose to rise above our emotional pain.

Forgiving The Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan spoke to me of violating a moral code, breaking a trust. It helped me fix the responsibility on him. With that was a letting go.

“If the injurer’s action intentionally breached a vow or promise or violated another moral rule, the injurer was to blame.”

By his own admission, our marriage deception had been intentional.

In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant gave me hope that what I was experiencing was but a moment in time. It would only be forever if I allowed it. My choice.

“The meantime is protective as well as preparatory.”

On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson and Roy MacSkimming asked, “Why are you here?” This book helped me understand the healing process requires both acceptance and understanding. There had been unseen holes in my marriage.

Anderson also reminded me that, for children of divorce, predictability, consistency and reliability are paramount.

Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach was my soothing bedtime snack. Her words spoke to me of quiet and peace at the end of each day.

There were many days that I celebrated more for surviving them than for anything else of significance. The daily entries in her book were an emotional lifeline.

The Mind of the Soul by Gary Zukav wrote about moving beyond being a victim of the divorce and not limiting my life. I wanted to get better not bitter.

Soul Stories also by Gary Zukav reminded me to listen to my intuition. Too often when we divorce and move into a single life we make wrong turns.

“listen to what your intuition tells you. A lot of people hear answers they don’t like, so they pretend that they didn’t hear any answers at all. ”

Love and Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships by John Amodeo gave me language to process the divorce. The terms ‘decidedly cruel’ and ’emotionally dishonest’ were particularly relevant.

I think the greatest books of all, a real visual history of my emotional growth, were my personal journals. They meticulously chronicled my path back to living a full and happy life again.

“Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
– Nora Ephron

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband
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Life after Divorce – What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband, 20 Years Later

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

It was a novel suggestion. What would I say to my former spouse if given the opportunity?

We haven’t spoken in nearly two decades. Twenty five years of marriage is so far behind me now that most of my life has been without him.

The hurt he left behind surfaces occasionally with me and our sons. We long ago learned to deal with it and push it back in the shadows where it belongs. I wonder if he knows of that paternal legacy.

I used to think he was my bridge over troubled water. Now I realize that notion was reversed. His demons far exceeded mine.

There was a time when I missed him so much I ached. That feeling left me years ago and never returned. My biggest battle today is suppressing regret for time lost in a marriage that was doomed from the very beginning.

Our oldest son saw the demise of the family before we did. He told me that when he was barely a teenager it was already evident. We may have been fooling ourselves but not him.

Childhood sweethearts can be both a boon and a bane. In our situation is was the latter. He skilfully exploited my innocence. I grew up after he left, a painful but invigorating process.

This is what I would say if given the opportunity. Our conversation would include the following anecdote, questions, and observations.

Last summer, our oldest grandchild, all of seven years old, asked ” What happened? Why don’t you live together?” I hope someday he asks you the same question and that you have the grace to answer the question honestly. Not wink and toss it off as a joke as you are wont to do or dismiss it as all just “water under the bridge.”

This time you got a pass on your behaviour thanks to our son who fielded the question rather skilfully. No mention of your trademark deception and dishonesty. Seven years old is too young to know the truth. But someday he will know the answer.

Our sons are our greatest asset together. They are dedicated to their families. I worried about that because of the example you had set as a husband and father. Did your parenting choices ever concern you? For many years they were fatherless.

I would ask you about the phenomenon that a father can walk away from a family and turn a corner and not look back. We are not the only family to experience this type of abandonment. I don’t understand how men, mostly, can have little family contact for years on end. A Facebook connection with the odd puerile quip is hardly parenting.

I would ask you about how you lived a lie every day of our marriage. I get stuck on that fact I must confess. Over 20 years later and it still gets me. Every memory of our life together from high school forward is couched with the fact it was all a lie. Every profession of love, everything you ever said or did was framed by your lies.

I would tell you one of the best decisions I ever made was reclaiming my maiden name. I have a colleague to thank for the change. He refused to address me by my married name after the divorce details emerged. So almost by default I went back to my ‘maiden’ name and for 20 odd years I am grateful every single day I did that. It is a name worthy of that honour.

I would tell you I miss sharing this time of life with children and a gaggle of grandchildren. At least with -the you- the fatherly pastiche you wore so well. All of that is framed with the possibility you never really cared about any of it. Our life together might be nothing more to you than photo ops, well placed good deeds and empty words of sincerity to cover your secrets.

I would observe, that, as is often the case in divorce, you ended up much more financially secure than I did. However, my freedom from you is priceless.

I would ask you those questions and then doubt your answers. Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear, something you do very well or would you be honest? I am not sure what an honest answer sounds like coming from you.

I used to think ours was a great love until I found the real deal. I used to be afraid of you but I am not anymore. I still want to know the name of the silent partner in our marriage that you have refused to reveal.

And thus the conversation would end in an egregious manner, just like our marriage.

More than 20 years of silence is a lifetime. Perhaps it is all water under the bridge.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

You might be interested in

Life after Divorce as a Single
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Life after Divorce as a Happy Single Grandma

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Who knew that grand-parenting would be so much fun? Who knew I’d be a solo grandma?

It was understood in my marriage that somewhere in the future we would be very proud grandparents together. However, like many baby boomers, our marriage didn’t make it. I’ve been single for 20 years and since 2009 I have been a solo grandma.

My Grandparents

My grandparents were married 67 years. That was my frame of reference.

They lived to 100 years of age in their own home. Loving and fiercely independent to the very end. Fought the War of Independence with a twinkle in their eye — she was a very proud Yankee and he was a very dignified Brit, who came to Canada when he was just 16.

They were there — together — while I was growing up. There was something solid and reassuring about my grandparents. A pair. A unit. And an example of mutual commitment.

They were the first through the door when my father, their much loved son-in-law, died very suddenly when I was 19. We were reeling from this huge loss – there they were at the door in the middle of night. So solid. The rock we needed.

We always said my grandfather looked like and had the elegance of Fred Astaire. Dignified. Debonair. By example, he made a huge impression on my sons when they were growing up.

For my own sons, their paternal grandfather — the only one they had — was very cold, distant, and rarely seen. So their great-grandfather was the grandfather in their life.

Every holiday was a large multi- generational affair with my grandparents sitting like proud peacocks at the table, smiling privately to each other. Everyone gathered at the table was there because those two met by happenstance and married in 1915. I thought history would repeat itself somewhere in my future. But that was not to be.

My Grandchildren

From my very youngest grandchild born this past Christmas to the oldest who was born on my 60th birthday in 2009, I have shared every moment with my sons as a solo parent and grandparent. I have taken those first phone calls from the delivery room. Heard the awe in my sons’ voices. Heard the first little cry of a brand new member of the family.

I haven’t spoken to my former spouse for many years. Until recently, his presence in my sons’ lives was very minimal. I don’t stumble over pronouns when speaking about my family. For me, the singular fits very well now. In conversation, these grandchildren are mine.

Shared History Lost

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel some sense of loss. I miss sharing the history with someone who knew my sons growing up. Marveling when I see my grandchildren behave in a way reminiscent of their father, forty years ago. There is no partner to turn to and nod knowingly.

You loose a lot in a divorce but nothing more than that shared history.

My sons and I reminisce but they don’t remember the trip home from the hospital with them as brand new babies. Those terrifying first days of parenthood. Looking at the little bundle in the cradle – my cradle when I was a baby – and feeling such overwhelming love and responsibility. And then fast forward 40 years and seeing a brand new generation in that very same cradle.

As their grandma, I am seeing life through the eyes of a child again with the time to really appreciate it.

Who knew I would feel such love all over again? From the first moment, just like I did all those years ago with my sons.

Being a solo grandma in no way diminishes the experience. I have learned to love everything about life — solo. I have shared so many wonderful bits of travel and adventure with my grandchildren. In only seven years we have a history together.

First steps, first words, and many ‘I love you’s” wrapped up in chubby little arms. We share private jokes, have favourite books. These early years with my grandchildren are fleeting moments in time. They are snatched up, snuggled up and enjoyed. And then-just like their fathers before them-these little ones will be grown.

Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the years….
Wasn’t it yesterday
… they were small?

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

Linda writes for Huffington Post too.

You might be interested in

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Life after Divorce – 20 Years Since My Divorce, And I Am Better For It

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

This year, 2016, is officially 20 years after my marriage breakup.

For those of us who grew up in the 1950s, we thought the future would be much like our parents. We married, had families, but then, unlike our parents, many of us divorced.

Twenty-five years ago I would have told you I was the luckiest woman in the world. I was married to my best friend who I adored and had two wonderful sons. I had it all including the home and picket fence.

As it turned out, there was no luck in my marriage. The marital secrets he revealed crippled me emotionally for years after the breakup. I was such an innocent in 1996 and he knew it.

Even in the earliest, darkest days and nights after he left, I was determined to get better emotionally. There are family and friends who thought I talked too much about it. I probably did. But, we are all on our own timeline with grief recovery.

The advice that you will get over it — is not true.

Far more apt is what someone said to me back then. Life after divorce is like having had a broken arm — there is always a slight twinge in the damp weather. It’s a much longer, softer lens when I look back but it is part of who I am. My history.

Throughout, my sons have always been a source of strength for me. They were in their late teens at the time. We became a very single-parent family quickly, creating new traditions, forging a solid family unit.

They forgave my mistakes and emotional stumbling and were my cheering section with my successes.

I don’t believe older children find divorce easier. When a marriage disintegrates, the family unit as it has been known does too. The expected future — lost. Painful for children at any age.

And just how does a parent walk away from a family and turn their back on everything they have known? In so many divorce stories, that narrative repeats over and over. So often, those people who cause the marital breakup, create a future where they drop in and out of their children’s lives based on convenience.

One of the many miracles in my life was finding the most understanding and skilled counsellor during the death throes of my marriage. For the next three years, she helped me piece together a life I thought was shattered. I began to realize my own self-worth and how love had indeed blinded me to the result of constant personal denigration.

A strong lesson in choices was a theme during our sessions.

“Don’t feel sorry for him,” she said, “because he made the choices that brought about the end of the marriage. ”

The past 20 years have been about my choices. I had no control over what had happened in my marriage but I did have a choice in how I lived my life going forward.

Again, I was fortunate to have a career I loved, and a supportive administration who allowed me to pursue and excel in my chosen field of guidance.

I had always wanted to live and work abroad and was able to do that. Packing two big satchels and moving to a brand new country on my own was an extraordinary, empowering experience.

Twenty years ago, when he left, I was denied one future. It hasn’t been easy. However, now I believe that leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Dating was more of a challenge. Marrying my childhood sweetheart had given me little opportunity for emotional growth. I had to learn how to date again. In retrospect, that was fraught with its own hilarity. But each time a Mr. Right Now came into my life, it gave me another opportunity to learn how to have a healthy, mature relationship. Training wheels for the future.

My own space is as important as shared space. On the evenings that I own the remote control — I am happy that I do.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Divorce Memories and Dreams
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Where Life after Divorce Memories and Dreams Continue to be Made

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

On Golden Pond clinched it.

We watched it, cried through the credits and saw ourselves years in the future. He, the crotchety Henry Fonda, and me, the delightfully aged Katharine Hepburn — opening the cottage each spring.

We’d remark on all the changes from the past year, ourselves included. Then we’d wait for our children and grandchildren to descend for their summer holiday.

It’s that time of year again. Cottage opening. Prompted by that movie 32 years ago, we scraped together some cash and bought the waterfront property of our dreams.

Travelling down the dusty back roads of our town we found the perfect piece of land. A huge stand of birch trees and a view straight across the lake. Sitting at the shore one sunny morning, watching two loons swim by, we knew this was ours.

Both of us had grown up with old fashioned cottages. Those simple cabins by the shore. Simplicity was the key to our type of cottage experience.

The first year we camped. There was no money left to build anything after buying the land. So, we built a tent platform and pitched a tent. That lasted all of one summer. It turned out, we were not happy campers.

The next year a small cabin sprang up in the middle of the birch grove. It was as simple as it gets. Reclaimed windows, second hand furniture, plywood counter top, ancient stove and cold water. But, we were out of the weather when it rained and more than an arm’s length from each other inside.

For our sons, the days blended into what I call those white nights of summer. Endless games of Marco Polo echoed from the raft. At dusk, they ran wild in the forest with a gaggle of cottage country kids, playing Capture the Flag. A game whose rules still elude me. After roasting marshmallows at the bonfire by the shore, they would drop into bed exhausted.

We added a front porch and the place remained like that for several years. Every night we watched the stars and dreamed of adding on a bedroom wing and a proper bathroom somewhere off in the future. Old fashioned cottages have two things in abundance. Memories and dreams. Nothing is ever completely “finished” and that is part of the fun. The memories and dreams.

Finally we took the plunge, mortgaged it and added on what we saw as luxury. Proper bedrooms and a bathroom.

This is where the idyllic story starts to get derailed.

My spouse began to dislike everything about the cottage, seething at the inevitable projects. Gone were the times where we had once, laughingly, faced the challenges together. Now he turned on me and the cottage. It was all a burden to him. He’d outgrown the summer place, just as he did his family. I was isolated and confused by his indifference.

After some very traumatic scenes, he walked out 20 years ago. I took over the parenting, the mortgage and finishing the cottage.

I learned to tape drywall and do a fairly decent job of it. Repair jobs I couldn’t do myself were farmed out to available handymen.

Like everything else in my newly single life, I began to really enjoy the autonomy of making my own decisions. I found out I could design the finishing touches and organize contractors. I worried constantly about the financial pressures of keeping the cottage. I persevered for my sons and relied on my spirited determination. The cottage became an integral part of the post-divorce family.

Slowly the place began to look more complete.

It is still an old fashioned cottage with a hominess that invites relaxation. There are big comfy couches and we have kitschy memorabilia tacked up on the walls. No granite counter tops. The hallway is a picture gallery of our family fun over the years.

It is now a special place for my grandchildren.

They bound out of the car, just like their fathers did so many years before. The someday that never was to be together with my former spouse is here. It is “Grandma’s Cottage.” And a new generation is running wild in the woods, splashing in the water, paddling in the inflatable boat, and having mud fights at the shore.

The place is still not finished. There’s some drywall that needs taping and painting. The outside should be re-stained but it is “the cottage.” Full of memories and dreams.

Dear Diary on a summer morning:
6 a.m.: steaming cup of coffee, snuggled up in bed with my grandchildren, watching the loons in the bay.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons.

I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children.

Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

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The Best Divorce Book Ever on Moving on after Infidelity

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Listening to a friend talk about their divorce, I pause and think — this all sounds familiar.

My friend details the lead up to her separation and there are so many similarities it’s a bit unnerving. Same actions, same words, same behaviour. How is that possible?

Turns out similarities are not even unusual but predictable, right down to the language a departing spouse might use.

Thanks to Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, my suspicions about similarities were confirmed.

This duo have created a bible of sorts for women who might be worried about their spouse having an affair. In their book The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat, the predictability of what men do when they cheat on you is chronicled with a crisp wit and peppered with humour.

Our divorce stories can be so different. Yet according to this book they can be the same in many ways.

In my situation, there was no “I do” in my marriage ceremony for what my former spouse did. I was never given a choice about the terms of my marriage. He didn’t even begin our marriage ‘forsaking all others’ as the marriage vow stated.

Oddly enough, in a dark humour sort of way, he did say ‘I do’ to that one. However, infidelity is crushing no matter the circumstances.

But as Landers and Mainzer outline in this book, predictable it is — the lead up, the language and the leaving. Unfaithful husbands follow a pattern. From the words spoken to the actions taken.

With my friend it was the language that first caught my attention. It was so odd that her spouse and mine used, almost verbatim, the same lines. This was so in spite of our divorce circumstances being very different.

“It’s not you it’s me,” he said. That’s a big one.

“I have no knowledge,” he said. One of my personal favourites. Even scripts on TV have used that line.

Then there is that crucial time before the affair is to be revealed, and he turns the tables as your suspicions drive heated questions.

“You are acting very strange. Do you have some emotional problems? Do you need to see someone?” he asks.

Disorient the wife is a key strategy in any time before a separation. Make her feel unsure of herself. As if she doesn’t already feel unsure?

He answers accusations with “I would never do that”. And then he does.

Landers and Mainzer’s book is far more than an ‘aha’ moment for anyone in the throes of separation and divorce. It is a guide book and an affirmation that you are not crazy as is so often implied by the departing spouse.

It gives credence to what you are experiencing. When you feel like the ground is falling away, their book outlines what to do next, how to throw out your own personal lifeline. It offers you a before, during, and after template.

Their words of encouragement will go a long way to re-establishing your own personal centre of gravity, when you may be feeling tilted at an odd angle.

You will find passages that jump right out at you. Words that might have felt particularly unique to your very own situation. Sadly, in a way, they were scripted.

If it’s nothing, then it is normal. And if it is normal, it’s nothing. Therefore he did nothing wrong. – The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat

My former spouse said exactly that.

“It was nothing,” he said. He’d never been faithful but his rationale was that it did not impact our family life. It was a secret, nobody knew about, so that made it OK in his mind.

Don’t be embarrassed to tell your family and friends the truth. If people hear it from you, they get the story straight.

We can feel it is all our fault because we’ve been made to own that in the final days of the marriage.

Externalize the blame is another well-worn tactic. He’s leaving because you failed to interest him enough — his justification — and not because he failed to honour you.

Honesty puts the blame where it should be. 

As my counsellor said, “Don’t feel sorry for him and don’t protect him.” That is a hard lesson for any of us. As wives, we spent a lifetime empathizing and supporting them — all part of the marriage package.

The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer is a must have on the book shelf if you are in the midst of a separation or divorce. It will help you set the stage for your miraculous debut as a solo act.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons.

I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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