Ali Wilks

Why Valentine’s Day Should be for Our Men

Published on February 8, 2017November 6, 2018

Stepmother Meaning — Ali Wilks
Certified Stepfamily Coach

February is the month of love.

For many women, it’s a time for our partners to shower us with gifts. And it’s a time for us to show our partners how much we love them.

However, the perception is out there that Valentine’s Day is more for the women. It’s all about the romance. We have expectations about what we want from our partners and how we want them to show us how much we are appreciated, valued and loved.

I just read a post by E-Harmony and it said Valentine’s Day to women is the Super Bowl to men.

Research also shows that men spend more money on Valentine’s day than women.

Is this one sided? Is this gender stereotyping? I think so. Here’s why I believe it is, and why that perception must go. Particularly for stepcouples.

We have entered a partnership. Typically, partnership implies equality. Why then, is the burden largely placed on our men to prove their love for us? Do they not deserve to be recognized, appreciated, valued and loved?

So, in this post I challenge YOU to take the initiative and plan something for your spouse.

What should that look like? I’ve written about “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman before. Essentially, Chapman wrote that everyone has a preference for how they show and prefer to receive love.

The love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. If your partner likes to hear you sing his praises or loves to hear compliments his love language is words of affirmation.

If your partner would rather go out with you than with his buddies in his limited spare time his love language is quality time.

If your partner likes it when you bring home a gift after your business trip out of town his love language is receiving gifts.

Physical touch isn’t necessarily sex but it can be. Even a caress on the back of his arm while you cook dinner is simple yet speaks volumes to a man whose love language is physical touch. That being said, there are primary love language preferences but that doesn’t mean you should stick to the popular one. Being diverse and creative is also good for the heart and soul.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love? That’s the challenge.

It requires effort by both partners. And sometimes, you might have to lead by example. You don’t have to spend lots of time or money trying to fill your partner’s love bucket.

Sexy texts work. ]Here’s a bit of advice on that first though…check to make sure your partner isn’t sitting by his boss in a business meeting first.

Yes, that advice comes from first hand experience.

Give him a coupon book for date ideas at home or in your community for quality time. Coupons for a massage for the physical touch or coupons to take a few of his chores on for acts of service can kill a few birds with one stone. Gifts can also be cheap, just stock up on cinnamon hearts, Hershey kisses, or any of his favourite snacks or treats.

Sometimes the smallest gestures, just knowing you’re thinking of him, makes a big difference. Filling his love tank then boomerangs back to you and it becomes a very, very positive feedback loop.

But, truthfully where should you start? Loving yourself is foundational.

If you are valuing yourself and therefore investing in your well being by taking care of yourself, you rely less on outside validation to fulfil you. Not to say that you don’t need to be shown love and appreciation, but the need for others to do so becomes less.

Self affirmation and self acceptance is potent and should never be underestimated. And when you feel good about yourself, the love naturally flows to others around you.

And why is this so important for stepcouples? Stepcouples face more stressors that are unique only to stepfamilies.

High conflict exes, monetary strains, and parenting conflicts create more intense and more complicated stressors.

With divorce rates much higher for second- and then third- time marriages the intentional effort has to be more and more often. Much more. So, go and get inspired and be creative. Let your love flow and be your guide. Tap into those warm vibes and see where it takes you ..and your partner.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

Step-Parenting

Being Stepmom – Recapturing Christmas Magic

Published on December 5, 2016November 8, 2018

This is the time of year with plenty of gatherings for friends and family that create opportunities for fun and frivolity. A time to celebrate, share, give and receive. It’s joyous and magical.

But for some, it shines a spot light on everything wrong and on things missing.

It can be incredibly overwhelming. The source of the burden can come from so many things in the complicated life of stepfamilies.

Getting together with judgmental extended family members and in- laws, battles with bitter ex- spouses, disappointed or angry children and tragically, children who are alienated from their parents, depressed partners. Even feeling depressed and isolated as a stepmom.

It can be a time of powerful reminders of painful and unhealthy dynamics and profound loss.

So many people want to shut the doors on celebrations and parties and gifts. So how can you support yourself and or your spouse as you navigate this hectic emotionally charged month?

For the stepmom: Breathe. Yes breathe.

Find a quiet spot just for yourself. Slow, deep breaths that fill your rib cage. Then an exhale that drains the stress and sadness/anger in your jawline, your shoulders, around your heart and your stomach.

Repeat the cycle until you are relaxed.

Visualize your family, social or work event or situation you are challenged by. Envision yourself being calm, strong, and peaceful, surrounded by silver light.

Whatever is the source of your stress falls away as it touches your silver light. Breathe in your strength, breathe in calm and peace. Let that be your mantra as you navigate these next few weeks.

Being stepmom Find the opportunity to breathe and visualize, stretch, drink tea, journal, colour. Time away from the noise just for yourself so you can breathe, think, to relax.

Then set the intention that the silver light surrounding you will always be there as you meet with difficult people or circumstances. You’ve just set a simple boundary!

Once you get in a place of peace and strength you can support the others in your home. But the peace starts with you.

For your spouse: Now you can approach your spouse in calmness and greater clarity. You are his greatest support. If you are more relaxed it can help him calm.

How does your spouse handle stress? Does he feel it physically in the form of headaches? Does he feel it mentally losing sleep or being forgetful? Does he respond emotionally responding in anger or frustration?

Stress and grief and loss are typically experienced in these similar forms: physical symptoms, mental symptoms, emotional symptoms or spiritual symptoms.

Support him by meeting him at the way he grieves or handles stress. Send him for a walk with the dog or go with him for physical support.

Get him a good book or an empty journal to write in for mental support. Watch a funny movie together to make him laugh and support him emotionally. Support him to talk to his spiritual advisor or reconnect with hope to support him spiritually.

For you as a couple: Nourish your relationship this season. Find time alone for the two of you.

If you cant afford a date night away then tuck the kids away in bed early. Night owl teens or preteens? How about giving them special permission to stay up to watch a movie on TV or read or something that keeps them in their room?

Then lock your bedroom door and go into stealth mode. Have a picnic in your room, read each other bits from romance novels (or whatever inspires you 😉 write each other love notes and pass them back and forth, create a family vision board or just be silly and have fun.

You can talk about what’s been happening but remember to end your night on a positive note.

For the next few weeks send your spouse texts or emails with little notes of appreciation. It will come back to you ten fold. I promise! Have a blessed Christmas and holiday season!

About Ali

My name is Ali Wilks and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

Divorce and Finances/Financial and Legal Advice

Financial Tailspins of the Divorced Dad

Published on June 17, 2016June 17, 2016

This is one of those “I wish I knew about this ahead of time” blogs.

The financial blows of a divorced dad become the financial woes of the stepmom.

For a lot of women, finances aren’t initially a part of the landscape when dating a man with children – the thought may have never crossed her mind.

As the relationship progresses, however the reality of child support payments and possible spousal support becomes a reality. Maybe even a scary reality. Reality may kick in when you ask how do you afford the wedding of your dreams with a second timer (or maybe third)?

Then consider this: child support for several more years (possibly into the first few years of post secondary education), while paying a mortgage and paying the bills.

And then if you want some of your own how do you then add buying diapers and supporting a wife while she collects SMP benefits of maternity leave- if there are any and if she’s entitled to them.

How do you afford the extra curricular activities of your own children as they grow up and develop interests in art, music, ballet classes or sports ?? It’s enough to make you want to hide under the covers and never want to come out.

I often hear about the financial stressors of second time families.

Stepmoms share stories about barely making ends meet but that stepkids get to go to an expensive sports school during the summer because of the court order on splitting costs. Not to mention there may also be legal bills from the previous court proceedings and some fathers are still battling it out in the courts to fight for the custody of children or other issues.

In reality many divorced dads don’t have the finances to buy or keep their own home or save for retirement.

They are starting from scratch. Some say that the financial burden can set the new family back by 10 years or more. More often than not the matrimonial home ends up on the cutting block as part of the negotiations.

Further down the road planning for retirement takes a turn down a different route. Because when retirement does happen most of that pension or retirement savings and investments (In Canada we call them RRSP’s) and are split.

Truth be told starting over again with marriage, new children and mortgage is tough.

In my own situation, my husband was older than me and on the verge of retirement as we were planning our wedding. My husband’s friends and colleagues were finished paying their mortgages, travelling, buying toys and enjoying the free life of an empty nester.

No kids no mortgage. They are planning grandchildren. I can’t help but wonder if he’s a bit jealous of them. I think I might be! All joking aside those are really serious issues. There are ex wives who rely heavily on those child support payments. And sometimes it may be their only source of income.

Financial planning is challenging at the best of times. Heck saving is challenging.

Statistics show that financial issues are at the root of reasons for getting a divorce. Most people are in over their heads even in first time families. I’m using the advice of Gail Vaz-Oxlade. In one of her posts on her Facebook page she said that “talking about money is harder than talking about sex, religion, politics and even death”. It is a taboo topic and usually kept secret. So discussions on spending habits with your intended often do not happen prior to the big day.

Gail is a financial guru in Canada who has written plenty of books, articles and has two TV shows (’Til Debt Due Us Part and Princess). She is also a stepmom. She gets this.

She suggests the best way to tackle the problem is to have an open dialogue of who owes what and to whom with interest rates, tracking spending (yes that trip to Starbucks counts as does that purchase of the “ Us” magazine) for a few days, and write out what you have to pay out each month (cell phones, internet, utilities, food, recreational activities, child support, spousal support, insurance, car maintenance etc) and come up with a plan of attack.

Pay off the credit card with the highest interest rate first. Another approach may be to pay off the debt with the smallest balance first, and work your way up. Slay the smallest dragon first so to speak. And sometimes if you go to your financial institution they may help you find an account which has lower fees.

You may also be able to negotiate a payment plan with some of your credit card and utility companies. If you need more help google your local resources for money mentorship type programs. Or check out Gail’s website or books. Best wishes for smooth sailing!

About the Author

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

Step-Parenting

Stepfamilies – How to Deal with Daddy Guilt

Published on March 31, 2016November 16, 2018

Creating boundaries is important for self care…indeed, often times, your survival.

Figuring out what you can control and what you can’t, and then basing our decisions and actions on that is a critical component of creating boundaries.

Let’s be honest, we’d like to be able to control a lot more of the stuff that happens and the people in our stepfamily home!!

And here’s a tip for creating boundaries: not taking it personally.

It is a healthy way to protect yourself in a lot of situations you may find yourself in as a step parent. And it helps you figure out where and how you want to expend your energy, as well as preserve your dignity and your heart.

It means understanding what issues are yours to take on and deal with but more importantly, allowing your spouse the space and having faith in him to deal with his issues.

We as women tend to take a lot of stuff on. Especially the stuff we believe is our job. But we also feel we have value and importance when we are taking care of our man. We are nurturers by nature and a lot of us are pleasers by nature too.

We want our spouses to be happy. We take the team approach in marriage. And, we protect our spouses too, just like they protect us. Not taking it personally can be hard to do. He hurts, we hurt and we want to fix it!

Recently, I’ve heard about some distressing stories in regard to what I call Daddy Guilt.

Daddy Guilt is common after a divorce where children are involved. These guilt trips can be particularly irksome when we believe our man is being manipulated and treated poorly by his own kids.

Sometimes you feel that, behind the scenes, the ex is the puppet master in this grande scheme of emotional blackmail. And it appears that it is the insecurities, jealousy and agenda of the birthmom who transplants doubt in the minds of their children.

The threats, the manipulative words and the accusations – especially if you have your own children together: “you love them more than you love me” “if you REALLY love me you will do/ buy..” really twist the heart.

Several women shared that they had plans to take the children from their current marriage on a trip.

When the older children from the first marriage found out that they weren’t coming then the first class trip to Guiltville was booked. Another father was disparaged until he caved in and payed for expensive yet optional dance recitals and trips to international competitions.

The nasty insults and insinuations cut them to the core- they already doubt themselves and doubt if they are being fair to everyone.

how to deal with daddy guilt That fear of not being fair is typical for the middle man because they often feel they can’t win.

It can be extremely painful for our men. It runs on the Parental Alienation Syndrome continuum. All a dad wants is for his kids to be happy, for them to know he’s there for them , that he loves them and that he has their back.

Sometimes they panic when the right button has been left exposed and then pushed…and they do a 180 degree turn on how they said they would handle a situation- to what it actually turns out to be.

How do we deal when we see our man disrespected and being dragged along Guilt Trip Road?

First of all, we CAN NOT take it personally because we want to jump in to protect them. Because of the guilt, they want to please and pacify. They go to great lengths not to hurt their kids because they are in overcompensation mode: they think that the divorce was painful enough and maybe they can “fix this” by not hurting them anymore.

Side step it, take a time out, walk away, get some fresh air and a different perspective. This lesson is not yours. What we believe is an issue that he needs to deal with may not be a real problem for him at all.

If it is a problem for him be supportive but let him be in the driver’s seat.

Let him come to you to share his frustration and hurts, but don’t try to fix this because you can’t and shouldn’t! By trying to fix it for him, you undermine your faith in him that he can do this and you disempower him.

If he can’t deal, let him know he can ask you for help. You can, of course, tell him how this makes you feel and how it impacts you, but be careful. Perhaps the deepest part of the angst is best shared with friends and other stepmom sisters. It’s his journey with his kids. And if you push too far it might backfire. He may not want or need your advocacy for him. Again don’t take it personally if he does not want your help.

Find out if he has other support outside of you that he can talk to about this. Then, encourage him to reach out to them. It may be so frustrating for you that you can’t hear about it so encourage him to talk to some one else who can give him another perspective.

Then let him know that there are long term effects of Daddy Guilt.

If he doesn’t set limitations for his children he’s not doing them any favours in the grown up world. He has to teach them integrity and honesty and accountability…not about how to have a hissy fit and get your way. The two year old temper tantrums have to end.

Also, rules, limitations and consequences for choices and actions are part of the development of healthy self- discipline and self regulation. Limitations and consequences teach children that they are safe, loved and respected. That teaches them responsibility and gives them self esteem and confidence to handle disappointments. And those are the things they need for successful adulting.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

photo credit: unpacking [2] “i did some things… it went wrong…” via photopin (license)

Step-Parenting

Getting to Know your Stepchild

Published on December 2, 2015December 11, 2017

In my last article, Stepparenting from the step-child’s perspective, I shared a perspective on the loss and grief of a child going through their parent’s divorce and what those behaviours look like.

An important piece to keep in mind about the grief cycle is that there may not be a clear or definitive end to the grieving.

There are many variables playing a role on how the cycle plays out so to expect an end point isn’t realistic. So don’t expect them to be over it already when the process gets drawn out.

Think about it this way: when you break your arm and it’s in a cast and you are in a busy crowd at the morning market you protect your arm.

During grief and loss kids get emotionally bumped into with broken hearts every time they go back and forth between the two homes.

So in the meantime, why not learn some ways to support the grieving child in your home?

Some of you are birth moms in addition to being a stepmom.

It is harder to parent a grieving child if you are still grieving yourself. Sure you have re-partnered but there still maybe some residual grief going on.

Yes your life has improved and you have found love and that’s great. But you still have marital or common law failure (your divorce or separation) in your repertoire and that can still be painful. That’s normal by the way: to be happy and in love but still feeling the pangs of loss and disillusionment and maybe a lot of residual anger too.

So if this is the case be EXTRA gentle on yourself: Extra self care. Extra patience. Extra permission to be yourself and still grieve those losses.

So what to do with the behaviours you might see in a grieving child?

How do you support this child who is a sad and mad ball of confusion?

First of all give your step/child the space and the permission to grieve…just like you give to yourself. Punishing grieving behaviours is counter productive and sets the enforcer and child up for failure.

getting to know your stepchild — Getting to know your stepchild.

Keeping routines the same between households helps. If the other home doesn’t have routines all the more reason for you to keep your routines consistent each time the child returns to your home.

Next find some compassion for said child. No you may not like the behaviours being exhibited but they have just lost the only life they have ever known. No matter how dysfunctional their life was with fighting or disengaged parents it wasn’t their choice to have their parents separate. They may even blame themselves for it. Their parents are no longer together and their home is no longer the same.

These are two very key pieces for children to feel safe and secure. The rug has been pulled away from them and their world is upside down.

Safety and security means calm.

It means being able to navigate stress – which divorce clearly is for adults but particularly for the kids. Keep in mind they don’t have the same coping tools as grown ups. So give them some you use, making sure it’s child friendly though (in other words if wine is your coping tool of choice find something kid friendly).

Things your child would find comforting, especially at night for the littles, is also important.

Another suggestion is to engage in non-threatening activities. A good idea is parallel activities or shoulder to shoulder activities-where they don’t have to look you in the eye and is fun and keeps them distracted from their grief (playing video games, putting a puzzle together, crafting).

A critical piece in supporting your child – YOUR self care.

Yes you read that right. That means if you are replenishing yourself then it’s a whole lot easier to not take things personally and when they do lash out at you, you have the head and heart space to let it roll off you.

And set some boundaries.

There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and letting your partner deal exclusively with their own child and the behaviours they exhibit. So take a deep breath, find your own space to replenish and find some supportive friends to vent to.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents.

These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

Step-Parenting

Stepparenting from the Stepchild’s Perspective

Published on November 24, 2015November 9, 2018

We all can agree that step-parenting is hard. And sometimes we have a really hard time loving the stepkids or even liking them.

But I want to shed a little light on loss and grief for kids. This may partially explain why it’s so hard to connect with the stepkids or even establish a positive relationship with them.

We can all agree that divorce is a profound loss. With significant loss comes grief. Grief has it’s own cycle and it’s own timelines. For most couples divorce is devastating. For children this may be even more devastating, life altering in ways we may not fully understand. The type of loss that literally turns their world upside down.

I remember reading a book on the impact of divorce on children almost 25 years ago for personal reference.

The information in it was about how the experience of divorce for kids and the experience of the death of a parent are very similar.

The biggest difference is that with divorce you can see or spend time with the parent for things like visits, birthdays or holidays. But that contact can be a reminder of the loss and re-experiencing the loss on an on-going basis. Like ripping a scab off a deep wound and having it open again. It can take so much longer to heal.

From the adult’s perspective we eventually learn to move on, we meet someone special and we remarry. We are happy! BUUT not so much for the kids. And when parents are unavailable to help the kids sort out their stuff- because the parents themselves are grieving, scared and in pain- that adds to the kids’ insecurity and fear.

Kids go through the same stages as we do. Shock, protest, despair and adjustment.

Shock may look like compliance. We can call this the honeymoon stage. You know best behaviour kind of stuff. Or maybe you’ll see aloofness because they aren’t sure about you yet and you haven’t earned the authority figure role yet.

Protest may look like anger and defiance-like in your face and screw- you- you’re- not- my- real- mom attitude. This phase in particular can get really drawn out. Especially if they have parents at either residence adding fuel to the fire.

Despair is like depression and it looks like they’ve given up. Perhaps they understand or at the very least have resigned themselves to the fact that the fantasy of their parents getting back together is no longer a reality. That is a painful reality to hold onto.

Adjustment is when things are finally going well, and they have accepted what’s happened to them. The divorce isn’t hanging over them like a ghost haunting them and they are able to move on in their lives as well. Things are more positive and a new normal is achieved. Your relationships with your stepchildren are more viable because they are seeking new relationships.

Timelines for grief and loss are very personal. We all have anticipated deadlines for grief but when it comes to our children those timelines need to be adjusted. And when the child is going back and forth between parents’ homes that process can be drawn out over a longer period than what would be considered normal or typical.

Kids might get stuck in the protest phase. If they have a mom who’s helping them make their protest signs and fuelling the flames that stage might get a little bit comfortable for them.

Unfortunately you may be the easy target for that pent up fear and anger. And it’s way easier to blame you when they aren’t loyal to you. It’s a loss and grief cycle that is being misdirected at you. Understanding this perspective can also ease the burden of you feeling like the bad guy and feeling like you can’t win. This is about disengaging from the negative behaviours playing on centre stage and making clear boundaries for yourself. Self care ladies self care!

Stay tuned for my next blog in my loss and grief series: how do we support our children to heal while we are supporting ourselves to heal.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton, Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too) and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

t: 1-780-233-8484

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

Because so much is riding on your divorce