Narcissist

I’m Divorcing A Narcissist – What Do I Need to Know

Published on March 25, 2026March 24, 2026

Sarah Barr-Young
Head of Financial Remedies Department
Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

The decision to divorce is among the most difficult and distressing decisions for anyone to take. It presents numerous emotional, financial and practical challenges, even where both agree the relationship is over.

Severing ties with a narcissist – especially if you are the one instigating the break up – can present even greater obstacles and complications. In this article I share insights into behaviours of narcissists, and how to find the right family lawyer to help you come through it.

What are the traits of a narcissist?

The origins of the term narcissism date back to Greek mythology when Narcissus, a handsome and self-absorbed young man, fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition which is included in the broader category of personality disorders and wide-ranging studies reveal around 70 percent of narcissists are male.

The following are some common traits of narcissism, which experts say originate from a combination of genetic, developmental and environment factors:

Inflated ego/sense of self importance
Craving for constant attention and admiration
Lack of feelings and empathy for others (including nearest and dearest)
Highly controlling/competitive nature and desire to dominate
Fragile self-esteem

How do narcissists react to divorce?

In general, narcissists do not marry for love, respect and affection, they tie the knot for stability and to boost their standing and dominance. If a divorce is initiated by their spouse, and not on their terms, it can prompt extreme reactions, reigniting their worst fears of self-abandonment and isolation.

In what ways do they make separation difficult?

Due to their overwhelming need to manipulate people and circumstances, narcissists are known to employ tactics to try to control every aspect of the divorce.

This can include racking up unnecessary legal costs for their spouse and prolonging and hampering financial disclosure which legally obliges both parties to provide open and honest details of their financial circumstances. Such machinations then delay the financial settlement which brings legal closure to the financial aspects of divorce.

These combative ploys to thwart the instigating party at every turn are deliberately intended to wear down their ex- spouse and derail the divorce process.

How does divorce affect the children of narcissists?

Narcissists’ obsession to ‘win at any cost’ can see them trying to use their children as pawns and deprive them of time with the other parent – even when it is not in the children’s best interests.

How do I secure the best legal advice to guide me through this maze?

By working with family specialists like me who are highly experienced in dealing with high conflict individuals and have successfully steered clients through impediments which they initially thought to be insurmountable.

At Jones Myers our experts can advise you of your options, help to prevent costs from spiralling out of control and guide you through the complexities. We do this by deploying strategies to secure you the best solutions regarding financial settlements and fair child arrangements so you can embrace the next chapter of your life.

For queries on divorce, separation or any aspect of family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 01904 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce.

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th among the Uk’s Best 20 Family Law Blogs and Websites to follow in 2026.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

Cohabitation Agreement/Coping with Divorce/Well-being

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on November 19, 2025November 19, 2025

Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below.

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

A sense of self-importance and entitlement
Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others
Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
Preoccupied by status and wealth
Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it
Can be controlling and very manipulative.

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time.

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
Are they unable to take criticism on board?
Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours?
Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you?
Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people?
Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences?
Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse.

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Narcissistic Family Systems – A Staged Life

Published on June 25, 2025June 25, 2025

Here psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin examines narcissistic family systems and how to handle them. In such families, the narcissist, usually a parent or grandparent, demands that everyone meets their needs. They manipulate, shame, guilt trip, gaslight, and rage to maintain control. Narcissistic parents assign roles, control the narrative, and direct every action.

Roles in a Narcissistic Family System

The Narcissist: Rule maker.
The Enabler: Keeps the narcissist happy, consciously or unconsciously.
The Golden Child: Moulded to preserve the narcissist’s image.
The Scapegoat: The individual who speaks the truth or dissents is often labelled as ‘The Problem’. This scapegoat is more likely to experience adverse mental and physical health compared to others.
Understudies and Chorus: These are other children or family who step in when leading cast members are unavailable and cannot fulfil the narcissist’s needs. They are eager to assume these roles and, having observed from a distance, know their lines well.

Healthy families offer unconditional love, a supportive environment for growth, and validation. However, in a narcissistic family, children are seen as extensions of the narcissist and must conform to keep them satisfied. Disobedience, rebellion and any attempt to separate or become independent is likely to result in a narcissistic rage or exclusion. Maintaining the family’s image is paramount and the narcissist will dictate that. The narcissist’s greatest fear is exposure and they will do anything to avoid this happening including harming (directly or indirectly) members of their own family.

Signs of a Narcissistic Family System

Control is often achieved by creating conflict between family members. For example, one sibling might be informed about a business deal while another is not, leading to distrust. This tactic, known as triangulation, is commonly used by narcissists to divide and conquer. They may also exert control by keeping adult children dependent, providing them with resources such as housing, employment, and financial support. This control may even extend to the regulation of food consumption, access to bathrooms, and the availability of heat and light within the home. Tracking or spyware may also be used in the guise of keeping family members safe. It is really a tool for control but is being presented as a caring parent or partner. Manipulation may also be at play in family businesses or dynasties where the narcissist influences education, work, and social life. What appears to be closeness is often a pathological need for control.
All members should uphold the Perfect Family image to minimise conflict. This adaptive response arises from trauma bonding, making it hard to identify unacceptable behaviour until removed from the situation. Additionally, inconsistent parenting creates controlled chaos, leaving children in chronic stress due to unpredictable moods.
Boundaries will be ignored by a narcissist; personal space may be invaded or a diary read. They may overshare personal information that a child is not emotionally mature enough to process.
Punishment is stern, with any dissent potentially resulting in anger, silent treatment, social isolation, and fear. It is important to acknowledge that children who are consistently afraid of their parents are, without exception, experiencing abuse.
Perfectionism is common in narcissistic families. Teachers may observe a child fearing low test scores, as nothing satisfies the narcissistic parent. This extends to decision-making; children capable of contributing are often denied this right because the narcissist believes they know best.
Deception: A narcissistic parent may selectively share information with their child, withholding it from the other parent or family members, thereby influencing family dynamics and perceptions. For example, if a narcissistic parent informs a child of an extramarital affair and instructs them to keep it their secret, this can lead to confusion and distress for the child, creating an environment where trust is compromised. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may distort the truth, leading to misunderstandings about family dynamics. This can sometimes result in the non-narcissistic parent being incorrectly identified as the abuser.
Narcissists may use personal information strategically, recalling hopes, dreams, or fears shared with them and disclosing private details without consent. For instance, a partner’s confidential discussion about their sexual history could be disclosed to others without consent or potentially used to blackmail them or in divorce proceedings. The narcissist will use this information to address their feelings, showing no empathy towards the partner. While lacking empathy within the family, they present a different persona to the outside world. In a divorce, personal data from intimate moments can be used as leverage to secure a favourable outcome.

The Legacy of Narcissistic Families

Children of parents with narcissistic traits may encounter personal challenges, which might include developing similar traits or personality disorders. They may also experience difficulties with trust, anger, attachment, codependency, and self-esteem. These early experiences can contribute to poor mental health or the development of addictions. Individuals may also experience confusion about the nature of a loving relationship, due to early exposure to an emotionally impoverished environment. Getting help and finding the right support is a great way to begin recovery and healing.

Where to start

Acknowledge that your family of origin may not have acted in your best interests. This requires a period of adjustment and grieving and making the decision to cease these unacceptable relational patterns. It can end with you.
Engage in self-care activities such as therapy, meditation, spending time with supportive friends, and making healthy lifestyle choices.
Reflect on and reassess your relationship with your parents and family. While contact is not necessary, if you decide to maintain it, set clear boundaries and avoid manipulation. Understanding the situation can help with managing interactions.
Avoid rationalising or excusing the poor treatment from narcissistic parents. Compassion can be exploited by them to destabilise and confuse their children, so steer clear of situations where you may hear a sob story. Narcissists often present themselves as victims. They are reluctant to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they will provide a diluted version of events. One cunning ploy is to narrate a version of events with a grain of truth that explains and justifies their behaviour. The child may well feel less hostile towards the parent and be more forgiving. Narcissists are adept at exploiting blind spots.
Limit your partners’ or friends’ exposure to the narcissistic family’s charm, fake empathy, and information-gathering tactics. These people may be used as fresh supply and your decision to set boundaries and reduce contact will protect them as well as you.

Narcissistic families are not confined to any particular demographic or societal group; they can be found across various levels of privilege, poverty, education, religion, and culture. While narcissistic abuse within these family systems may be challenging to identify, the insights provided by individuals who have experienced such situations allow us to recognize specific behaviours that clearly indicate the dynamics present in these families. This offers those of us in supporting services a clearer understanding of the challenges we face, highlighting the importance of continually learning about this pathology whilst also attending to our own wellbeing.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being

How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner

Published on January 8, 2025

It would be misleading to write a prescriptive list of next steps because one of the key stressors of dealing with a narcissist – ex or otherwise – is unpredictability. Their reaction to a break-up is often rage, mortification, blame, threats, emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping.

They may do this by:

Blaming you for the relationship failing and accusing you of not trying hard enough or being selfish.
Threatening to harm themselves if you don’t give it another go or say their own family is getting ill because of the breakup. This is guilt tripping.
Hoovering or sucking you back into the relationship by love bombing and telling you all the things they know you want to hear.
Future faking and selling you a fantasy. This is another strategy whereby they assure you, very dramatically, that they will not only change but promise to give up their addiction or get a job or stop cheating and gambling. This time it will be different. Another con.
Faking crises and amplifying illness. This could be by implying that they or your children are in danger and need help. This justifies contacting the non-narcissistic parent. An example might be where the narcissistic parent informs the other that their child has a (fabricated) terminal illness or is in (imaginary) danger. When trying to go no contact this may be the narcissist’s go to. It’s a way of trying to regain control. They will go to extraordinary lengths to convince you and others that the illness or danger is real.
Threatening revenge. This may be by saying they will leave you homeless or bankrupt when you leave or threaten physical harm. It is highly likely that they will threaten to take your children away from you. This is plain cruelty and will leave you feeling traumatised.
Lie about you. Narcissists lie. They lie pathologically and compulsively, and they will do this when you reject them. You will be painted in the worst light. It might be that they contact your employers and clients, family and friends and will lie about you and they rarely miss the opportunity to try and outsmart you in Court.
Stalking is another way the narcissist can continue to try to control you. This is possible on several levels: in person, through social media, spy wear on your phone or computer and even using tracking apps on your children’s phones. Report this to the police or discuss it with your solicitor.

Now you know what to expect – what can you do?

Set boundaries and stay safe. Avoid meeting in person. If this is unavoidable, ensure you have someone with you that can bear witness and help you to remove yourself from the situation.
Report stalking at once. Sometimes, when you have been in an intimate relationship you give the other person far too much credit for being a stable, decent human being. Avoid being sentimental. Keep to the forefront of your mind the reality that this person has caused you harm. They may turn up to your place of work, follow you to known haunts and follow you and your friends on social media. Stalking is a crime and calls for police involvement.
Do not tolerate abuse. Be determined to shut down a raised voice or abusive text by walking away or blocking and reporting them.
Document and record everything you can. This is helpful when obtaining an injunction or in cases with shared parenting arrangements. Narcissists are unlikely to want to use co-parenting apps because they cannot access you. By collating this written witness, it is helpful when a Court ordered arrangement is being considered.
If you need to have contact for co-parenting or shared pet purposes, use a co-parenting app. If this is not possible, use text messaging or email to correspond. Then you have everything in writing thus avoiding only having your word for it which can easily be discredited.
Establish a support system and, if you feel unsafe, speak with the police, and open a case file. Learn about relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. There are worthwhile free online resources to help with your learning.
Speak to your employer or your children’s schools and inform them of what is going on. Children who witness domestic abuse are also victims of domestic abuse. HR departments are likely to have a domestic abuse protocol in place.

In terms of healing, take time to:

Work on your own blind spots. The narcissist is plausible and manipulative. Avoid attributing genuine human emotion to them. They are consummate imitators and very convincing. They know how to look and what to say so do not be manipulated by theatrics. The contortions of angst and tears of declared sorrow are not of remorse or empathy, but of rage at being close to being exposed and murderous anger because you are holding your boundaries. They have a bottomless capacity for self-pity and do not have the capacity for empathy so hold your nerve.
Acknowledge “withdrawal” from a narcissistic partner that can result in symptoms comparable to that of an addict. This is not a judgement, it’s the science of intermittent reinforcement. Think of a slot machine – just as you are about to move on – the symbols align, and you get enough of a payout. And you stay. The same in relationships – you get a reward just as you are about to leave. It’s science. This can apply to other narcissists in your life; parents, children, employers, friends – you get the picture. Therefore, prepare for withdrawal symptoms and, if you can, find a specialist therapist and make effective use of domestic abuse charities who have an increasing understanding of these psychological processes.
Distance yourself from your ex. If an ex contacts you to say they are going to harm themselves, call 999 immediately. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour. They are unlikely to repeat this if police officers turn up to their place of work to check on their wellbeing.
Stay the course and avoid giving your ex the benefit of the doubt. Ever. They are professional victims and do not consider themselves accountable. They feel entitled to behave in the manner they do because they are owed this much at least.
Understand why you suddenly become isolated. It is likely that you will be alienated because of your decision to leave. Your narcissistic ex will lie about you, reveal your fears, sexual history, health issues – they will fabricate a falsehood that portrays them as a victim. They may even go one further and present themselves as a survivor who wishes to help other victims. It is especially vicious when they alienate you from your own children and family. It is shocking but not at all surprising.
Manage your expectations that the ex will change. You may be tempted to hold on to hope but please don’t. They will not change but what they will do is waste more of your time and life if you let them. Avoid judging the range of emotions you are likely to feel, depression, loss, grief, pathological loneliness, and sadness. You may also feel angry and blame yourself. The abuse you have suffered is not your fault.
Prepare for the worst and seek support from worthy friends who will help you through social and parental alienation, deliberate attempts to sabotage your new life, financial ruin, and lengthy legal cases – the list goes on. And be ready for the long haul. Narcissists find it difficult and often impossible to separate, and will try to control you by proxy. Your ex is likely to use any means necessary to torture you and discredit you. This may include the legal system, your family and friends or employer and your children. They will attempt to manipulate them to pervert your relationship with the people important to you.
Focus on your mental health and understand the trauma you are going through. Gaslighting and deprivation of physiological, social, and emotional needs will take a toll. There is a specific type of trauma – post relationship trauma – that needs to be worked through. Take your time and grieve. There is a loss. Distance from the narcissist and from the relationship will help you to heal but there may be flashbacks, a sense of dread, anxiety, and other symptoms. These are all perfectly “normal” responses to an abnormal situation.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live.

Because so much is riding on your divorce

Narcissist