Mental Health

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A Full Mind, An Empty Tank: How to Make Decisions When Your Brain Can’t

Published on
Yvonne Filler
Yvonne Filler
Co-Founder
amelliora

‘I just can’t seem to make decisions anymore’. It’s a common admission from women navigating separation. Not just the big decisions, where to live, how to divide the finances, what to tell the children. Just ordinary ones. What to have for dinner. Whether to reply to a message. What to wear.

It turns out this isn’t weakness or confusion. It’s biology.
When we’re under sustained stress, our bodies release cortisol, which directly affects the part of the brain responsible for analytical thinking and weighing up options. Research shows that elevated cortisol biases the brain away from careful, deliberate reasoning and toward instinct and habit. We become, quite literally, less able to think things through. Even minor decisions drain cognitive resources that are already depleted. As Art Markman, professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas at Austin, puts it:
‘Stress decreases our working memory capacity, so we have fewer cognitive resources to wrap our heads around all the different options, even for things that are relatively inconsequential.’
There’s another layer to it. Rumination.  The circular thinking that kicks in when we’re under stress. The questions that go around without resolution. What if I’d done things differently? What does this mean for the children? What if I can’t manage financially? What will people think? Unlike reflection, which moves us toward clarity, rumination keeps us stuck in the same loop focusing on the causes and consequences of our distress rather than solutions to it. It feels productive, like we’re working through something. But research shows it impairs our ability to make good decisions and can lead to analysis paralysis, becoming so caught in the loop that we can’t decide anything at all. At a moment when decisions feel important, urgent and unavoidable, this is perhaps the cruellest part of the experience.
This happens in other high-stress periods too, serious illness, bereavement, job loss, new parenthood. Any time life asks too much of us at once, decision-making suffers. The difference with separation is that it doesn’t just ask too much of us emotionally. It asks us to make some of the most consequential decisions of our lives, legal, financial, practical, parental, at precisely the moment we are least equipped to make them well.

The worst time to make big decisions

Under stress, we tend to make decisions quickly because they bring temporary relief. The decision is made, the anxiety lifts, and we can breathe for a moment. Research bears this out: the feeling of being rushed is itself one of the strongest predictors of later regret. And most divorce regret doesn’t centre on the decision to separate, it centres on how decisions were made during the process.
The pressure to decide quickly rarely comes from nowhere. It can come from the other party or their solicitor moving fast. From well-meaning family and friends who want things resolved. Or from inside, from exhaustion, from the completely understandable wish to make the pain stop. All of it can push you toward decisions made for the wrong reasons.

Not all decisions are equal

One of the most useful things you can do in the early stages of separation is to stop treating all decisions as equally urgent, because they aren’t.
Some decisions can’t wait. Your immediate safety and housing. Protecting joint finances from unilateral action. Basic arrangements for your children in the short term. These need attention, and getting early legal advice on them is important.
Some decisions can wait and should. Final financial settlements, decisions about selling the family home, formalising long-term arrangements beyond immediate needs. These are precisely the decisions most likely to be made badly under pressure and regretted later. They deserve time, proper advice, and a clearer head than the early weeks of separation usually allow.
If a decision truly cannot wait, you need to know why and that reason should come from your solicitor, not from pressure.

The sequence matters

The antidote to overwhelm isn’t making decisions faster. It’s understanding which decisions to make first, in what order, and with what support around you.
A useful first step is simply to separate the urgent from the important. What needs to happen in the next few weeks is different from what needs to happen over the next few months and writing those two lists, even roughly, can bring surprising clarity.
Gathering information before making decisions is just as important as making the decisions themselves. Start with what you know or can find out. Bank and savings statements. Mortgage documents. Pension statements for both of you. Credit card and loan balances. Tax returns. What does your income look like as a single household? What would your outgoings be? You don’t need exact figures to begin with; a rough picture is enough to start understanding your position. Here’s the crucial thing: you cannot negotiate what you don’t yet understand. Understanding your financial and legal picture, even imperfectly, puts you in a significantly stronger position before any formal conversations begin.

You don’t have to have all the answers yet

The goal in the early stages of separation isn’t to resolve everything. It’s to make sure that the decisions you do make are the right ones made at the right time, with the right information, and the right support around you.
The decisions that shape your life for the next decade deserve more than a moment of overwhelm and a pressure to agree. They deserve time, clarity, and the space to think.
When everything feels equally urgent and equally unclear, the mind struggles to find a way in. The cortisol that clouds your thinking and fuels the rumination begins to recede when we feel even a small sense of control. Identifying what you know, what you need to find out, and what can wait, quietens the noise. And in a quieter mind, decisions become better.
You don’t have to decide everything now. You just have to decide what comes first.

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Calling Yourself "Divorced"
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Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

  • Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
  • Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
  • Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
  • Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
  • Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
  • Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
  • Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
  • Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
  • Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss
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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content Manager
OnePlusOne

Every divorce brings loss, whatever else comes with it. You might feel angry, sad, relieved, or some combination of all three, but one thing that remains consistent is that something important has ended. A life you once built and nurtured has been demolished, and you are left to pick through the wreckage.

Understanding loss, and why it shows up the way it does, can help you make sense of it all as you find your way through to a clear patch of land where you can start to rebuild.

Why Loss Feels Different For Everyone

How you experience loss will come down to who ended the relationship (Boelen & Reijntjes, 2009). If it was your decision, you’ve probably had a head start – you may have been thinking about things for years before the actual split (Bevvino & Sharkin, 2003). This process often starts with a realisation that things aren’t quite right, and that you need to make a change. In the lead up to the separation, you’ll have had time to prepare emotionally and to think about what the future will look like. When the demolition comes, you might even be able to look on it as a positive step towards rebuilding.

If your ex made the decision, it’s a very different experience. One day you’re married, the next day your life comes crashing down around you. With no time to prepare, it can feel like a total loss of control. You will need to process the initial shock before you can even begin to think about what’s been lost.

Neither position is easy. The initiator often carries a burden of guilt at having ended things. The person left behind carries shock and a sense of helplessness. Whichever side you’re on, it’s helpful to be able to pinpoint your location amongst the rubble of your old life. 

What Divorce Actually Takes Away

It’s not just the relationship itself that you lose. Recognising that divorce can take other things with it will help you make sense of what you’re feeling.

A sense of who you are

Being married can become part of your identity. You may think of yourself as being part of a couple, or a member of a family that you have created. Losing that role can take away a big part of who you are, and a sense of security that you’ve held for a long time.

Your social circle

Friendships you’ve developed as a couple may not always survive the split. Some friends may drift towards your ex, some may drift off your radar altogether. A separation can disrupt your whole social circle and you may need to figure out who your people are now that you are no longer married.

The practical things

Moving house, separating your finances, and working out new routines with your children are all big life changes that hit you when you’re already feeling vulnerable. Sometimes grief lands in unexpected moments, like picking up the keys for a new house or cooking dinner for one.

Loss can even change your sense of the past, as once-happy memories turn sour, and old family photos become tinged with regret.

Three Ways To Clear Away The Mess

Grief is complicated. You can’t simply step out of it, but there are things you can do to stay on your feet as you work your way through it.

Look for the happy moments

When we are lost in negativity it can be hard to believe happiness is possible. Grab a notebook and write down how you’re feeling each day, noting the positives as well as the negatives. A mood journal can help you recognise that there are glimmers of hope, and things in life to be grateful for – even if it’s as simple as a sunny day, or a friend who cares about you. You might just start to see a clear horizon, even if you can’t quite get to it yet.

Look after yourself

Try to stay healthy and notice what happens. Eat foods you know are good for you, take rest when you get the chance, and resist the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can’t take the pain of loss away, but you can choose not to feed it.

Call for help

Stay connected to the family and friends who have supported you. Call out to the people you know you can rely on, and let them know what you need. If you have friends who have been through a separation, talk to them. Ask them how they got through it. 

If you’d prefer to confide in someone neutral, you may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counsellor, or even just to share your story through an online forum.

Making Your Way to Clear Ground

As you pick through the detritus of your loss, you can start to become more self-reliant and more secure, finding ways to live with the change. Once you accept that things are different, you can let go of the desire to put things back how they once were, and instead move forward.

Think about what you want from the future. What sort of relationship do you hope to have with your children? How will you communicate with your co-parent? What would make your life feel more manageable?

Loss is messy and difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild. Could you use this time in your life to do something you’ve been putting off – learn a new skill, reconnect with an old friend, or finally get that tattoo? Things haven’t worked out the way you were expecting. OK. So what’s next?

Read more articles by Jimi Odell.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind Getting on Better, a package of digital resources that uses Behaviour Modelling Training and other techniques to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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Divorce Doesn't End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on
Susan Harwood
Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

  • You are not expected to have all the answers today.
  • You do not need to rush your healing.
  • Accept support where it is offered.
  • Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
  • Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
  • Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

Read more articles by Susan Harwood.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

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Neurodivergency – What Is It? And Does it Affect Divorce?

Published on
Sarah Barr-Young
Sarah Barr-Young
Head of Financial Remedies Department
Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

Over 15 per cent of the UK population – which equates to one in seven people – are neurodivergent, which means their brains work in different ways.

Neurodivergency is not a medical condition or a disorder, but a term to describe differences in how the brain is wired. Neurodivergent people have alternative thinking styles which include dyslexia, developmental co-ordination disorder (dyspraxia), dyscalculia (which affects mathematical skills) , autism, Tourette’s and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

How does neurodivergency affect relationship breakdown?

Divorce and separation is emotionally difficult for any separating couple. For neurodivergent people, who see the world differently, the challenges are even harder to navigate. Their different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings in communication, triggering higher levels of anxiety, rejection and depression.

Many tend to feel paralysed and overwhelmed at the prospect of dealing with the unknown and working with strangers – whether they be family lawyers, mediators or counsellors -through the divorce process.

Which specific areas of divorce do neurodivergent people find particularly difficult? 

Many struggle with working through the process of financial disclosure, which requires a complete and accurate account of their financial situation including assets, income and debts.

Concerns separating couples face over finances and living accommodation after a break up can be particularly acute for neurodivergent people, especially parents who are worried how divorce will affect their relationship with their children.

How does divorce impact on neurodivergent children?

Children of all ages are susceptible to the anxieties of divorce and separation which can be made worse by events such as birthdays, school holidays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.

For neurodivergent children, the turmoil of disruptive daily patterns and splitting their time between two households can heighten a sense of insecurity and result in withdrawal.

What do family lawyers need to do differently to help neurodivergent clients?

It is a given that family lawyers have a duty to understand their clients’ needs in every aspect of family law. When guiding and advising neurodivergent clients it is vital that family lawyers can establish whether a client is neurodivergent.

Understanding the complexities, nuances and triggers associated with neurodivergency is essential to effective communication with between a lawyer and a neurodivergent client to enable them together to achieve an outcome that meets their particular needs. Identifying with neurodivergency also enables family lawyers to signpost clients to other relevant professionals who can guide them.

While The Family Justice Council (FJC), a body which monitors the effectiveness of the Family Justice  System, says a more inclusive system which meets the needs of neurodivergence is needed, there is still a long way to go in achieving this.

Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, rightly says that failure to recognise and accommodate neurodivergence results in parties to court proceedings, witnesses, and children being unable to participate fully in court cases.  A proper understanding of neurodivergence would lead to better participation and more effective justice.

Like all our clients, neurodivergent clients deserve the best possible support and understanding. As a family lawyer I fervently hope that we can improve our ability to understand and guide them by collaborating and adopting best practice in this critical and sensitive area.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

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Signs of Coercive Control, Legal Significance and Why Ruby's Law Matters
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Signs of Coercive Control, Legal Significance and Why Ruby’s Law Matters

Published on
Rachel Cook
Rachel Cook
Of Counsel
Peters &Peters

In 2015, the law in England and Wales fundamentally changed how domestic abuse was understood. With the introduction of section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015, the criminal law finally recognised that abuse does not have to be violent to be devastating. Patterns of domination, intimidation and control, often invisible from the outside, were brought within the scope of criminal liability.

A decade on, coercive and controlling behaviour (CCB) sits at the crossroads of criminal law, family law and separation disputes. For many families navigating divorce or child arrangements, it is no longer a background issue but a central one. Understanding how the offence works, how it has evolved, and how it interacts with family proceedings can make a critical difference to outcomes.

What qualifies as coercive and controlling behaviour?

Under section 76, a person commits an offence if they repeatedly or continuously engage in controlling or coercive behaviour towards a current or former intimate partner or family member, and that behaviour has a “serious effect” on the victim.

That “serious effect” is defined in one of two ways: either the victim is caused to fear violence on at least two occasions, or the behaviour causes serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day life. Importantly, the perpetrator must know, or ought to know, that their behaviour would have that effect.

What matters is pattern, not isolated incidents. Courts look at the cumulative impact of conduct over time. Individually, acts may appear trivial or even reasonable. Together, they can amount to criminal abuse.

Common examples include:

  • Monitoring movements, messages or spending
  • Restricting access to money or conditioning basic expenses on compliance
  • Isolation from friends, family or professional support
  • Undermining parenting confidence or threatening child contact
  • Using litigation, complaints or financial pressure as tools of control post-separation

The law now expressly recognises economic abuse as a core form of domestic abuse. Control over resources, enforced dependency and financial gatekeeping can satisfy the criminal threshold even where there is objective wealth.

How the offence has evolved since 2015

The offence has developed significantly since its introduction.

Charging practice and case law have clarified that prosecutors can rely on a wide range of evidence to demonstrate patterns over time: digital communications, financial records, CCTV, smart-home data and third-party testimony. Courts increasingly accept a “mosaic” approach, where meaning lies in the accumulation rather than any single act.

The scope of the offence has also expanded beyond cohabitation. Amendments now recognise post-separation abuse, reflecting the reality that control often continues, or intensifies, after a relationship ends, particularly through children or finances.

Sentencing guidance has likewise evolved, with courts treating sustained, sophisticated campaigns of control as serious offending, especially where professional status, financial power or third parties are used to entrench dominance.

Where Ruby’s Law fits in

One area that has historically been overlooked is the role of pets in coercive control. Threats to harm animals, restriction of access to veterinary care, or using pets as leverage to prevent a victim from leaving are well-documented abuse tactics.

Surrounding the recent publication of the Government’s Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) strategy, there has been an increased demand from cross-party MPs to introduce Ruby’s Law.

Ruby’s Law seeks to close this gap by advocating for the explicit recognition of harm or threats to pets as part of coercive and controlling behaviour, and by allowing pets to be included in protective orders. This is not about elevating animals above people, but about acknowledging lived reality: for many victims, fear for a beloved pet is a decisive barrier to safety.

In family proceedings, Ruby’s Law could also provide clarity, enabling courts to address pet-related abuse directly rather than treating it as peripheral or irrelevant.

How coercive control intersects with divorce and child arrangements

Allegations of coercive and controlling behaviour frequently arise during separation, often alongside disputes about children, finances or housing.

In family court, the focus is not punishment but protection and welfare. Findings of coercive control can influence:

  • Whether a fact-finding hearing is required
  • Whether contact should be supervised or restricted
  • The court’s assessment of parental insight, risk and future behaviour
  • Protective orders such as non-molestation or occupation orders

A critical point for parents is that coercive control does not require physical violence. Family courts are increasingly alive to patterns of manipulation, intimidation and emotional harm, particularly where children are exposed to controlling dynamics.

Equally, false or exaggerated allegations can have profound consequences. Lengthy investigations, interim contact restrictions and reputational damage can occur long before any finding is made. This is why early, careful legal advice is essential on both sides.

Criminal courts and family courts: parallel tracks, real consequences

Criminal and family proceedings operate independently, but they interact in powerful ways.

A police investigation or criminal charge can affect family proceedings immediately, particularly where bail conditions restrict contact or residence. Conversely, material generated in family proceedings (statements, expert reports, messages disclosed during financial disclosure) may later become relevant in a criminal case.

There are also practical tensions. Criminal courts operate on principles of open justice; family proceedings are largely private. Material cannot simply be transferred between forums without careful consideration and, often, permission.

Timing matters too. While coercive control is not subject to the six-month limitation that applies to many summary offences, delay can affect evidential strength and police appetite to prosecute. The offence is not retrospective: conduct before 2015 cannot itself be charged, though it may form relevant background.

Practical guidance for those navigating both systems

For individuals and families facing these issues, several principles consistently matter:

  • Seek early advice across disciplines. Criminal and family lawyers bring different perspectives. Coordinated advice avoids missteps that can have long-term consequences.
  • Preserve evidence. Messages, bank records, diaries and third-party accounts can be crucial, whether you are alleging abuse or defending an accusation.
  • Think strategically, not emotionally. Reporting to the police is not the only route to protection. Family law remedies may be faster and more targeted in some cases.
  • Understand the impact of interim measures. Bail conditions, protective orders and temporary contact arrangements often shape reality long before any final decision.

There is no single “right” approach. Objectives differ: safety, recognition, protection of children, reputation, or simply bringing an end to uncertainty.

Looking ahead

Coercive and controlling behaviour has reshaped how abuse is understood across both criminal and family law. Ruby’s Law represents the next step in recognising the full ecology of control within families, including the role of pets, and aligning the law more closely with lived experience.

For separating families, the message is clear: these issues are no longer marginal, and they cannot be navigated safely in silos. Early, informed and joined-up advice remains the most effective protection of all.

Rachel Cook, Of Counsel, Peters & Peters

Rachel Cook is a criminal solicitor with extensive experience advising individuals and families at the intersection of criminal and family proceedings. She regularly advises clients at the police station and acts in complex cases involving allegations of coercive and controlling behaviour, domestic abuse and reputational risk. Rachel works closely with family law teams to provide strategic, joined up advice for clients navigating separation, child arrangements and parallel investigations.

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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions
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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

  1. Home – place of safety and survival
  2. Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
  3. Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

  • Being clinging
  • Being grizzly emotionally
  • Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
  • Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

  1. Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
  2. Sleep and rest regularly
  3. Get moving and exercise
  4. Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early
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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

  • Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
  • Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
  • Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
  • Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

  1. Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷

  2. Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹

  3. Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰

  4. Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²

  5. Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

  1. Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵

  2. Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶

  3. Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵

  4. Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹

  5. Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.

  6. Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

  • Observing and naming changes without judgement.
  • Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
  • Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
  • Involving an additional trusted person.
  • Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
  • Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

  • Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
  • Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
  • The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

  1. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  2. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  3. Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.

  4. Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.

  5. Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.

  6. Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.

  7. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  8. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  9. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  10. Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.

  11. O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.

  12. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  13. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  14. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  15. Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.

  16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.

  17. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.

  18. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  19. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  20. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  21. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  22. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  23. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  24. World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.

  25. Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.

  26. Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.

  27. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  28. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  29. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  30. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  31. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  32. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  33. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes
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The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

  1. Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.

  2. Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.

  3. Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.

  4. Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.

  5. Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.

  6. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.

  7. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.

  8. Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.

  9. Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.

  10. Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.

  11. Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.

  12. Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.

  13. Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.

  14. Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.

  15. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.

  16. Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.

  17. O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.

  18. Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.

  19. Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.

  20. Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.

  21. Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.

  22. Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

  1. Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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Rising Stronger After Divorce
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Rising Stronger After Divorce

Published on
Lucy Newsum
Lucy Newsum
Life Coach
Lucy Newsum Coaching

It is a human truth: divorce is hard. Within that truth is a depth of feeling that is often so visceral it is difficult to communicate. Divorce is not just hard, it is raw, exposing and messy. The loss of love, the untangling of your life from someone else, the sense of shame – it can feel like hitting rock bottom. It requires all our courage, strength and resilience to move through it and emerge stronger on the other side. 

I believe we can move through it, and I believe we can rise stronger. I believe this because I have experienced it. ‘Rising stronger’ was the philosophy I lived by as I healed from my divorce. Today, my mission is to support others to do the same. 

Why it’s so damn hard

Grief and emotional turmoil

With any relationship ending there is grief. Grief for the loss of the other person, the loss of the life you built, the future you imagined and your identity as part of that relationship and marriage. For many there is also another loss at play: the loss of ourselves within the relationship. It’s a triple whammy: loss of the other, ourselves and the life we were living. 

With grief comes an emotional rollercoaster. You might be familiar with the Kübler-Ross model which outlines the five stages of grief: denial (or numbness), anger, bargaining (can lead to rumination), depression (deep sadness) and acceptance. These stages are not linear; it is likely you will bounce back and forth between them. This emotional whack-a-mole is hard, especially as you start to feel better and have some acceptance to then plummet back into anger or sadness. At other times you might find yourself stuck in the grip of a powerful and painful emotion, unable to move through it. Much of my work is about helping us to navigate and process our emotions, without suppressing or devaluing them.  

Loss is also physical 

Research shows that the brain’s response to loss and heartbreak activates the same pain centres triggered by physical injury. The heartbreak of a divorce is not just in your head; we feel it at a deep physical level. It can feel like our heart is breaking. Combine this with the physical separation from a person we have spent time with every day and it’s easy to see we are dealing with a lot. 

Shame and guilt

And if that’s not enough, we also tend to add a good dollop of guilt or shame on top of it all. Guilt at hurting the feelings of someone we loved, or feelings of rejection and low self-worth, or questions of ‘what did I do wrong?’ or ‘why wasn’t I enough?’. 

Our culture contributes to this shame and guilt. The wider narrative around divorce and the opinions of others can leave us feeling like a failure, fuelling the flames of shame

and leaving us lacking in confidence. This all serves to amplify the pain we are experiencing. 

The weight of responsibility 

Amidst all of this we have choices to make and action to take: the legal process, financial decisions, and maybe childcare challenges too. We are dismantling one life and building a new one. This is scary and often overwhelming. But every ending is also a beginning, and we can rise stronger.  

The only way out is through

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is that you can’t shortcut your way around the hard moments. The only way out is to go through – gently and one step at a time. 

It is natural to want to avoid or numb the pain of loss. But avoiding, ignoring, suppressing or resisting our feelings are all actually ways that keep that pain alive. We keep the pain trapped in our body rather than accepting it, feeling it, having compassion for it and moving through it. 

Many years ago, I experienced a shattering heartbreak. It was a short relationship, so I judged my pain at its ending to be out of proportion. How could I be so hurt over something that hadn’t lasted long? Grieving it so deeply felt somehow weak, like something was wrong with me. So, I brushed myself off, put the grief into a locked box and got on with my life. Looking back, I can see clearly how that unprocessed and unhealed pain influenced my relationship behaviours and choices, contributed to an internal narrative of shame and limiting beliefs, and gave space to my own very loud and mean inner critic. It shaped how I showed up in my marriage and how I showed up for myself. When I went through my divorce over 10 years later, I finally found myself able to grieve and process that early relationship, which also helped me heal from my divorce, learn from it all and find the road back to myself. 

I love Miranda Hart’s description of going through the hard moments. In her recent book, she describes her journey as finding herself somewhere “…dark. Musty.Dank. A cave. With slimy, muddy walls. I walked along the cold, rock floor until another door at the far end of the cave became faintly visible. Somehow, I knew that door was the one that I would eventually, at the right time, be able to step through. And I would be refreshed”

My marriage and my divorce became my teacher. Slowly, gently, with compassion, I navigated that dark, dank cave. It was a journey of getting to know myself (my patterns, beliefs and values), finding the tools to feel more confident and navigate daily ups and downs, and building a brighter, more joyful and fulfilling life. In short, I went on a journey back to my heart. Today I feel freer, move alive, more empowered and more deeply connected to myself and others than ever before.

You can do the same

There is a light at the end of your dark cave. What if this is the start of a journey to truly discovering yourself and building a more empowered, confident and fulfilled you?

If you’re unsure where to start, here are three things you could focus on: 

  1. Seek out your support network: I recommend your network covers three pillars of support – practical support (legal and financial advice, childcare support etc), emotional support (someone to turn to when you are in the grip of emotion or turning in on yourself) and social support (someone who will get you out of the house and sprinkle some joy). 
  2. Daily wins: at the end of each day write down, or say out loud, three wins from the day. It doesn’t matter how big or small these are – a win could be making the bed that day – the power is in the daily recording of your wins. It trains your brain to start to look for the positives. 
  3. Gentle movement: our physiology has one of the biggest impacts on our emotional state. Movement positively influences our emotional state, enabling us to navigate and shift some of those more painful emotions. 

“The most difficult seasons of life are often preparing us for the most beautiful times ahead. When life falls apart, don’t rush to put it all back together. Sit in the fire and ash of all that once was. You will rise from this with deeper clarity, more wisdom, and a heart primed for peace. This is what grief does when we make room for it. Grief doesn’t break us, it heals us.” – Sheleana Aiyana

About Lucy Newsum

 Lucy Newsum is a life coach and facilitator. She provides coaching for women who want to live and love wholeheartedly. 

www.lucynewsum.com

IG @lucynewsumcoaching

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Love Yourself: Rebuilding Self-Worth After Divorce
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Love Yourself: Rebuilding Self-Worth After Divorce

Published on
Dr. Anita K. Smith
Dr. Anita K. Smith
Divorce Coach
Personal Finance Coach

When your marriage ends, it does not mean that your life ends.

Divorce has a way of shaking the foundation of who we are and how we see ourselves.

When the dust settles, many people going through a divorce (men and women) are left wondering: “how am I going to make it?” or asking the question: “Who am I now?”

After signing the divorce papers, your heart may still ache, you may still cry a lot, and you still may feel ashamed. My friend, all is not lost.   

You can rebuild. You can love yourself again, and then others. You must know that your self-worth is not up for negotiation.

Divorce does not define you now or in the future. You Can Make It! 

Rebuilding your self-worth after divorce is not about pretending that you are okay. Most importantly, it’s about healing emotionally and transforming your life into something beautiful. However, rebuilding does not mean rushing into a new relationship or rushing back into the world with a bright smile on your face. Time heals all wounds. It’s about working on your inner self and learning to love yourself again, through the lens of faith, grace, patience, and honesty.

After my divorce was finalised, I stood in front of the mirror not recognizing the woman staring back. Not because I looked different, but because I felt like I had lost the core of who I was. My confidence was really low, not by the breakup itself, but by many years of compromising, self-neglect, and emotional depletion that preceded it. Does that sound familiar to you?

The journey to rebuilding self-worth after divorce is not about reinventing yourself to be “bitter”—it’s about returning to yourself and beginning to love yourself to become a “better” person. 

I want to share with you seven practical strategies that I utilised which helped me through my divorce recovery, along with helping several of my clients through their healing process. The advice given is very beneficial in helping you heal, recover, thrive, and love yourself again post-divorce.   

  1. Honour Your Healing Timeline

There is no timeframe or schedule for healing. Whether you’re six months or six years post-divorce, give yourself permission to feel, grieve, and process. Your pace is your power. Don’t rush your comeback to please other people or prove anything.

  1. Reconnect With Who You Were Before Getting Married

Ask yourself: What things brought me joy before I started dating and got married? What passions did I put on hold? Reignite things that you probably forgot about (i.e. travel, hobbies, painting, movies, journaling, etc.). Join the fitness or dance class. That original version of you still exists—it’s time to spark things up and come alive.

  1. Be Kind To Yourself

The inner critic may be loud, but you can turn down the volume. Start by replacing “I failed” with “I made a courageous decision.” Divorce is not a failure—it’s a chapter that ended so a better one could begin. Write affirmations that speak life into your new season.

  1. Protect Your Peace and Set New Boundaries

Many people coming out of divorce feels like they must overextend themselves—to prove they’re still “together” or to avoid disappointing others. But rebuilding self-worth starts with saying no to what drains you and yes to what empowers you.

  1. Surround Yourself With Positive Professionals

Mental Therapists. Divorce coaches. Support groups. Uplifting podcasts. Affirming books. Find the voices that encourage growth—not bitterness. Rebuilding self-worth requires a support system that sees your light even when you can’t.

  1. Celebrate the Small Victories

Some days, getting out of bed and making a cup of coffee is victory. Other days, you may land a new job, reconnect with friends, or even smile without effort. Count it all. Each step forward is a seed planted in your healing garden.

  1. Define Happiness On Your Terms

No longer do you need to chase a picture-perfect life. You get to decide what a joyful, fulfilled life looks like now. That might mean solo travel, starting a business, going back to school, or simply enjoying quiet nights in your own space. You can define your own happiness. 

Begin Again…Love Yourself Again

Loving yourself first after divorce doesn’t mean you’ll never feel lonely or uncertain. It simply means that you recognise your worth is not tied to someone else’s love, presence, or validation.

It’s yours—currently rooted in who you are and who you are becoming.

You’re not just existing; basically, you’re rebuilding. 

Always Remember—“You Can Make It!”

When I wrote my book, You Can Make It: How to Start Living Your Victorious Life, I was writing not just from the lessons that I learned, but from the pain that I had survived.

The book was born from a place of loss—but also from hope. In it, I guide men and women through healing, rediscovery, transformation, and restoration. Not through hype, but through truth: that you are still valuable, still powerful, and still capable of joy.

You can make it, even if today doesn’t feel like it. You can smile again, dream again, and fall in love again, starting with yourself.

Read more articles by Dr. Anita Smith.

About Dr. Anita Smith

Dr. Anita K. Smith is a Life After Divorce Coach, Certified Financial Education Instructor (CFEI), Financial Advisor, and Keynote Speaker.

Dr. Anita is the award-winning, Amazon.com, published author of “You Can Make It: How To Start Living Your Virtuous Life.”

Dr. Anita works with individuals who are “single again” after divorce and help clients cope with change and uncertainty in their new life by using tools and techniques to transform, heal, recover, and eliminate pain, grief, and loss of the relationship or marriage breakup. She knows firsthand the effects and emotions of going through a divorce, and how it can wreak havoc on your life, and may cause you to experience health issues, financial issues, and relational issues.

Dr. Anita can help you regain your self-esteem and your self-worth. She will guide you, motivate you, and encourage you to become a CHAMPION AGAIN with practical solutions that you can implement right away to break free from a victim mindset and develop a warrior mindset. After working with Dr. Anita, you will recover, re-ignite, and rebuild your life AND finances after divorce.

Instagram: @dr.anita.k.smith

Instagram: @life_after_divorce_coaching

Website: lifeafterdivorcecoaching.net

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