helping children cope

When Your Kids Bring Up The Divorce Years Later

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

My son was seven when I separated from his dad. He’s eighteen now.

Yesterday, we met for coffee and a catch-up. We haven’t caught up for a few weeks — he’s busy studying engineering at uni, working with kids in an after-school programme, and staying committed to his gym routine.

It breaks my heart a little, but this is what happens as our kids grow up. They start building lives of their own, as they should.

We get on really well. We laugh a lot. I’ve noticed he’s opening up more these days, especially about what his friends are going through as they start to face the reality of becoming young men.

I like this glimpse into his world. It gives me a chance to listen, and sometimes offer a little wisdom if it feels right.

Somehow, we ended up talking about the divorce. We don’t usually, but recently he’s brought it up a few times.

We were sitting on the beach, not far from the little house I rented just after the split. He was seven. His sister was four.

We started remembering that house together. How small it was, but how cosy it felt. It had ocean views and sunlight pouring through the windows. It felt safe.

He said that when he thinks back to our divorce, he always thinks of that house. He remembered feeling sad, but not really knowing why. I told him I felt really sad too. It was a hard time for all of us.

Hearing him talk about it now, from his young adult self looking back, stirred something in me. It wasn’t the same sharp guilt I used to feel. That knife has dulled a bit. But there’s still something there that sits uncomfortably in my body.

He remembered seeing a child psychologist back then. He’d developed sleep anxiety after the separation, and my ex and I organised support for him. Six sessions helped. After that, he was able to stay in bed and settle more easily.

He couldn’t remember everything they talked about, but he said he just felt better after each session. One moment stood out. The psychologist had asked him, “What will happen if you don’t get to sleep?” And he’d answered, “I’ll be tired at school, and I won’t learn anything.”

Sitting there on the beach, he reflected, “I guess my brain just needed something to hook into. I didn’t realise it was actually worry about you guys splitting up.”

As he said it, I felt that familiar ache rising. But I stayed with him. I shared my memories too. I didn’t brush it away. It still hurts to look back sometimes. That’s the reality of divorce when you have children. The grief doesn’t vanish. It gets quieter, but it lives inside you.

He told me he thought we’d had the best possible divorce. That he always felt loved and supported by both of us. That we did everything we could to stay connected as a family, even while things were changing.

I reminded him that back then, when he overcame his sleep struggles, I’d told him: You’re the one who got yourself through this. Not me. Not the psychologist. You did that. And now, that same strength can help carry you through other tough times you’ll face.

Divorce is sad. It affects everyone in the family. I’ve never pretended otherwise.

But the truth is, none of us can avoid sadness and grief in life. We all face loss at some point.

And while none of us would choose divorce, sometimes it chooses us.

It’s only when we come out the other side that we start to see the bigger picture. And even then, we still have moments of doubt. We wonder what if we’d tried harder. What if we’d done it differently?

But eventually, we come to trust that there was no other path. Even when it’s still murky.

That conversation with my son reminded me of this graphic I’ve shared on Instagram. It highlights beautifully to me how we don’t ‘get over’ our divorces and leave it all behind. We integrate the experience so that we can still experience love and happiness as we begin to heal.

That’s what this is. You don’t erase divorce grief. Especially when you share children and you keep parenting through all the stages that follow. There are always new milestones, new reflections, new chances to wonder what might’ve been.

As I dropped him back at his dad’s house, where he lives now that he’s in college, I felt that ache again. Not because anything was wrong. Just the quiet recognition that this grief wants to be felt sometimes.

It’s part of my story.

And knowing that, accepting that, is what helps me stay present when these moments come. It’s what allows me to sit with my kids when they need to revisit it, like my son did yesterday.

Not to fix.

Not to defend.

Just to sit beside him.

Even when it hurts.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

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Supporting Your Child Through Divorce: The Role of Play Therapy

Published on
Shelley Coleman
Shelley Coleman
Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist
Regional Liaison -The Texas Association of Play Therapy

“This is a war. The farm animals are fighting the ocean animals.” says my 7 year old client as she creates an elaborate battle scene in the sand tray. “The cat is in the middle” she further explains as she gingerly places the cat amidst the waring animals.

In my therapeutic playroom, the sand-tray allows for sharing in a protected space that a child may not otherwise have. As a Play Therapist, I have the privilege of working with children of various developmental stages who are experiencing parental separation or divorce. The play room allows for a child to freely express themselves through play. As children choose toys and play activities, they can share their world with the therapist.

In simple terms, play is the language of children. This concept is best explained by Landreth (2002) in Play therapy: The art of the relationship and is the basis for Play Therapy. It is through play that children make sense of the world itself. They explore relationships, solve problems, learn to regulate their emotions, and navigate transitions or challenges.

The benefits of Play Therapy are well researched and include the following…

  • Helps children better understand and express feelings
  • Reduces behaviour problems and improves coping skills
  • Helps to process loss and transitions
  • Improves caregiver-child relationships
  • Improves adjustment outcomes

For families experiencing a transition like divorce, play therapy can be a resource for both the child and the caregivers. Even in the most amicable divorces, I see children feeling confused or in the “middle” between households. At times, a child may feel out of control and need to assert their control in the play room by directing the play or directing the therapist. Or, a child may need a therapeutic space to make sense of their changing household.

In the event of parental separation or divorce, the play therapist is not only a support to the child, but to the caregivers as well. In fact, play therapy can improve communication between parents and children around difficult events like divorce (Hirschfeld & Wittenborn, 2016). And, some specialised forms of Play Therapy have been demonstrated to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship and positively impact children’s behaviour (Fernando et al., 2011).

In my own practice, I work with caregivers at varying stages of divorce including co-parenting post divorce and blending families. Though the child is the primary client, a Play Therapist provides valuable psychoeducation around developmentally appropriate ways parents can support their child. Specifically a Play Therapist can provide..

  • Education around making transitions between homes smooth
  • Education around behaviours that are or are not developmentally appropriate
  • Ways to improve parent child relationships
  • Ways to limit the child’s involvement in parental conflict

The benefits of play therapy for children experiencing a life transition like divorce are well researched. It is not uncommon for children to feel out of control, confused, or blame themselves for the divorce. Play therapy provides a way for a child to freely express these feelings and process them with the help of a trusted therapist. In addition, a Play Therapist can support the caregivers and provide valuable resources during a time of transition.

Resources for this article

Book citation (APA):

Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. Brunner-Routledge.

Bratton, S. C., Ray, D., Rhine, T., & Jones, L. (2005). The efficacy of play therapy with children: A meta-analytic review of treatment outcomes.
Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(4), 376–390.

Hirschfeld, M. R., & Wittenborn, A. K. (2016). Emotionally Focused Family Therapy and Play Therapy for Young Children Whose Parents Are Divorced.

Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 57(2), 133–150. 

Fernando, D., Jayne, K., Lindo, N., Purswell, K., & Dillman Taylor, D. (2011). The Impact of Child Parent Relationship Therapy on Child Behavior and Parent-Child Relationships: An Examination of Parental Divorce.
International Journal of Play Therapy, 20(3), 124–137.

About Shelley Coleman

Shelley Coleman is a Licensed Professional Counsellor and Supervisor (LPC-S) as well as a Registered Play Therapist and Supervisor (RPT-S). She has 18 years of clinical experience, 10 years of business management experience, and 23 years of parenting experience. Shelley’s private practice serves children, adolescents and families. She provides parent education, play therapy, child and adolescent therapy, and family therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Play Therapy, TF-CBT, New Ways for Families, and PCIT. Shelley was the 2022-2023 President of the Hill Country Chapter of the Texas Association of Play Therapists and currently serves as Regional Liaison to the Texas Association of Play Therapists.

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