mediation - Page 13

My parents filed for divorce when I was approximately 10 years old. I remember the desperation and the sense of emptiness I had inside me for months after the announcement.

I also clearly remember the day I returned home from school and saw my dad packing his things into the car. I was close to my dad because he spent a lot of time with me while my mum was working all day, so when he left I felt very alone.

I was living with my mum and of course I was not alone, but I missed his jokes and how he defended me every time I had bad grades at school.

After he left home, the real battle started.

On paper they had a common consent divorce, but they were not able to handle their emotions. My dad left home because he had a new person in his life, and my mum couldn’t accept that at all.

My sister and I suffered through their arguments. She is younger than me, so in trying to protect her, I was at the front line of the battle. I had to protect and defend my mum because my dad was the “bad” guy. I had to hate my dad. I had to demand things from him. At the same time I had to help my mum get over the divorce and try to help her feel better.

The burden on my shoulders was really heavy, heavier than I could understand at the time. I was trying to mediate and please both of them and it simply was not impossible. It made me feel sad and alone. I never admitted my loneliness, not even to myself. I pretended I was strong and I didn’t care.

After a few years of being in the middle and trying to feel accepted by everyone, I was so tired that I finally did pick sides. I stopped seeing my dad. I would not be the mediator anymore. This cost me my relationship with my dad for more than 20 years.

As an adult I get angry that I felt forced to pick sides. It was not my role to be in the middle. It was not my role to know who makes more money or spends more on me. It was not my role to pick sides. It was not my role to hear that my dad abandoned his marriage because of a third person in his life. But I knew all these things and they poisoned my childhood.

It took me years and a lot of therapy to find a balance and recreate a relationship with myself first, and after that with both of my parents.

As a professional mediator now, I have encountered these same damaging behaviors from parents at the mediation table. I know that it’s not easy, and I do not blame these parents because I can understand how hard it is for them. However, I wanted to create a story that helps them realize what they are doing to their kids.

This is how the book Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? was born.

The first version of this book was actually written to my own parents. I wanted to communicate to them certain things that I never had the courage to say. Of course after the first draft, a lot of amendments were made with my editor to create the book as it is now.

The most important message of the book is for the parents to “see” divorce through the eyes of a kid and for kids to understand that they can communicate to their parents what they really need from them.

Irene, the protagonist of the story (her name means “peace” in Greek), asks her parents for 11 important things. Parents should take notice of them.

Naturally every divorce story is different, but it is important for parents to understand that kids feel voiceless in these situations. Their first reaction is often to try not to blame anyone, but to try to please both parents, to feel accepted by both of them, and to not lose them.

Children do not care why the marriage is broken (most of the time they are not able to understand it) and they do not want their parents to accuse each other.

Last, but not least, the kids do not have the option to leave home, so it is important not to make them feel trapped in their home. It is crucial for kids to feel safe to express themselves and feel accepted independently of what they are saying. It is important not to force them to pick sides.

Hopefully the book will give the opportunity to both children and parents to come closer, actively communicate, and recreate a balance.

Click here for more articles by Despina Mavridou

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

This may come as something of a shock, but neither parent has any rights over their child. The child has rights over their parents, and this includes the right to see both, one or neither of them. In the real world, the default assumption is that the child benefits from having reasonable access to both parents. The term “reasonable” however, has to be defined on a case-by-case basis

Parental agreements and contact orders

There are basically only two ways the terms of “reasonable contact” can be agreed. Firstly, the parents can agree it between themselves. Secondly, a court can issue a contact order. Even in the latter case, there will generally be some leeway for parents to work out the details themselves. This is to allow for the fact that “life happens”.

Fathers should, however, be aware that a court will only issue a contact order if it thinks it’s in the best interests of the child. The potential stumbling block here is the need to maintain the child’s safety and welfare during the contact.

For example, if a father is living in an HMO (sharehouse), the court might have concerns about the child coming into contact with the other residents. There might, however, be ways around this such as meeting the child in their own home.

The overall consideration of the child’s welfare

Modern courts most certainly recognize that, in general, children benefit from time with their father. On the other hand, courts also recognize that fathers are not the be-all and end-all of a child’s life. Other considerations may include the child’s age, where the parents live, the need for contact with other family and friends and the child’s schooling and extra-curricular activities.

These will all impact the practicalities of fathers seeing their children. For example, if parents live a long way away from each other, courts may be very reluctant to allow children to visit the father’s home during the week, at least during term-time. School will come first. Even outside of term-time, courts may hesitate to have children regularly travelling long distances.

Again, there can be ways to work around this. For example, fathers can maintain contact with their children through video-calling (or regular calling). This may not be ideal, but it can be a whole lot better than nothing. What’s more, COVID19 has shown that a bit of thought (and some creativity) can make video-meetings almost as good as real ones.

The rules and etiquette of post-divorce parenting

You have the right to spend time with your child without infringement and without the other parent exercising control over you or the child (either directly or indirectly). You also have the right to be consulted on major decisions such as where your child goes to school.

Be aware, however, that this right is contextual. For example, if a decision needs to be taken in a hurry, the other parent may act alone. Where possible, they should consider what they know of your views. As always, however, the child’s welfare is the guiding consideration.

You do not have the right to take the child out of the UK without written permission from the mother. You do have the right to free speech so, in principle, you can say what you like about the child’s mother. In practice, this is one right it’s generally better not to exercise.

Click here for more articles by Kerry Smith

About Kerry Smith

Kerry Smith is the Head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors. K J Smith Solicitors are experienced family solicitors in the Thames Valley area specialising in family mediation, estate planning and divorce and separation.

The third national lockdown – forced by a surge in the new variant of Covid-19 – will no doubt further increase logistical and practical challenges for parents who are divorced or separated.

Estranged parents are understandably concerned about arrangements for seeing their children after schools and colleges in England have been shut until at least half term and A-Levels and GCSEs cancelled.

Restrictions mean everyone must stay at home except those who cannot work from home. Leaving the house is only permitted for specified reasons including essential shopping, medical assistance and exercise.

Children under 18 whose parents are separated can still continue to visit parents they do not live with – providing both households are healthy and children are not put at risk.

Support and child care bubbles can remain the same but, as with previous lockdowns, children and their parents cannot mix with people (either indoors or outdoors) outside their parents’ households.

The latest school closures will no doubt be very difficult for separated parents who will need to ensure their children can participate in remote learning – regardless of whose home they are in throughout the week.

Children of key workers will be entitled to school provision and nursery school children can access Early Years childcare which will remain open.  It is vital that separated parents communicate regularly and are flexible regarding their usual child contact arrangements to enable each parent to continue to work.

The guidance from the President of the Family Division and Head of Family Justice, RT Hon Sir Andrew McFarlane back in March 2020 remains as relevant now as it was then. “It is for the child’s parents to make after a sensible assessment of the circumstances, including the child’s present health, the risk of infection and the presence of any recognised vulnerable individuals in one household or the other.”

There is a lot of evidence that children can thrive in separated families.  What is damaging for them is being exposed to conflict between their parents.  In situations where effective communication is not so straightforward mediation can help to work out suitable arrangements. It can also minimise the risk of children being “caught in the crossfire”.

Click here for more articles from Jones Myers Solicitors

About Lisa Russell

Lisa’s expertise in family law spans over 14 years and covers all aspects of child law, representing clients in the High Court, County Court and Family Proceedings Court.

Lisa acts for parents, children, grandparents and Local Authorities in proceedings. She also advises and represents parents, children and other family members in relation to private law children act proceedings. Lisa’s clients value her empathetic manner and sensible approach.

www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Front page photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash