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Letters to Linda – Co-parenting Over the Summer Holidays

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

I was divorced over the past school year and our children are facing their first summer of divided holidays. How can I make sure that our children feel Ok with plans? What can I do to keep myself on track?

First of all include your children in plans if they old enough. Talk to them about the possibilities. They can go here with you and go there with your former spouse. What is the best arrangement for them?

Approach this conversation calmly. Your children’s first effort will be to try to say what they think you want to hear. Assure them that their preferences and opinion matter and you will do everything to make their wishes possible.

Take the opportunity to make it more than a question and answer chat. Too often in our busy lives, a family discussion can get rushed. The first for everything after a divorce is always the most difficult so you want to get it right. It will get easier.

But the most effective step is to ensure everyone knows the plans or possibilities and that they know them well in advance for these first post-divorce holiday plans.

Divorce creates an element of uncertainty in a child’s life. They have probably entertained the notion they are somehow to blame for the divorce. The last thing they need right now is uncertainty for what should be some fun planning a holiday.

Communicate with your X what your preferences are but be open to negotiation within reason. You set the tone.  Make sure that whatever is planned is fair and equitable for both sides. It may mean that the equity is not possible during the summer holiday for a variety of reasons that can’t be changed- work holidays being an example.

So an alternate plan or rebalancing can happen at the next school holiday. Negotiate, compromise and let your children see that you and your former spouse can make decisions for the greater good of the family even after a divorce. Explain these negotiations to your children so they understand there will be a give and take.

The more that you and your X endeavour to work together without any arguing, the greater the chance that the holidays will go smoothly for everyone. Children of divorce do not need more worry arranging summer holidays.

Once arrangements have been finalized then you can begin to organize what you will do while your children are away.

This is the time to be good to yourself. Divorce is traumatic. You have probably expended an enormous amount of energy adjusting to the new circumstances after the divorce. So plan something special for yourself- whatever the budget allows. If it means a holiday with friends then enjoy it. If it means a staycation and local museums and fairs then enjoy that too.

One of my great joys in life is traveling alone. I have met the most interesting people because I am not with anyone who absorbs my attention. I am free to talk to the person beside me on the plane or the people beside me at the picnic table in the park. Being on your own opens up a whole new field of possibilities.

It’s a new life with many new challenges. View it as a time with many new opportunities as well. If you are in control of your own life then your children will be able to breathe out and enjoy life too.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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positive co-parenting

Divorce Mediation: A Prototype for Positive Co-Parenting

Published on
Oliver Ross, JD, PhD
Oliver Ross, JD, PhD

For many, the word “divorce” suggests images of angry interactions, family fractures, exorbitant attorney fees, and months if not years of court battles.

Sadly, these images are realities for couples involved in divorce litigation. Statistics show that divorcing couples typically lose a third of their monetary net worth to litigation attorneys and frequently feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

Statistics also show that the “win lose” mentality intrinsic to litigation increases spousal hostility and tension, and diminishes or even destroys constructive communication – all of which is virtually certain to negatively affect the ability of divorcing couples to positively and healthily co-parent.

Unlike divorce litigation, divorce mediation is a prototype for positive co-parenting.

From the outset professional divorce mediators establish the centrality of constructive communication to the process of mediation. They help divorcing couples buy-in to not make disparaging and otherwise inflammatory remarks, and to otherwise speak and listen to each other with respect.

Skilled divorce mediators recognize that this centrality of constructive communication not only facilitates resolution of financial issues during the divorce but also opens the way for the mediator to serve as a role model for positive co-parenting both during and after divorce.

During mediation, professional divorce mediators model constructive communication in numerous ways.

They listen without interruption to gain a better understanding of the content and emotional underpinnings of what is said. They also listen reflectively, responding when appropriate to what is said with a short phrase such as “I hear you” or with a quick nod of the head, to let the speaker know he or she has been heard.

Skilled divorce mediators also selectively summarize or paraphrase what’s said, to make sure that their understanding is accurate. Here’s an example:

Speaker: Since she left me, I haven’t been able to do anything – I can’t stay on top of the bills, can’t do a good job at work, and can’t really be there for my kids.

Mediator: I hear you. You said that being a single parent can be overwhelming and emotionally exhausting, and you’re having a hard time doing a good job at work and at home. Is that about right?

Professional divorce mediators also act as a role model for positive co-parenting when they reframe hostile and otherwise quarrelsome statements by restating them with neutral or positive words, so as to decrease or avoid defensive reactions.  For example:

Speaker:  He is a terrible father. He never spends any time with the kids.

Mediator: So are you saying that from your perspective the kids are more likely to feel loved if their father spent more time with them?

Yet another way in which skilled divorce mediators serve as a role model for constructive communication is when they validate or parrot what is said.

Validating lets the speaker know that the emotions underlying what is said are legitimate in divorce situations.

Parroting – when the mediator repeats one critical word or phrase of what is said – not only lets the speaker know that the emotions behind what is said are valid but also encourages further explanation.

Here is an example of validating followed by an example of parroting:

Speaker: She wants all of the benefit of my working hard and making lots of money but constantly complains when I’m late to pick the kids up.

Mediator: I hear your frustration and want you to know that feeling that way is common and normal in divorce mediation.

Speaker:  He can be so hostile when he talks to the kids.

Mediator: Hostile?

Finally, professional divorce mediators function as role models for constructive communication when they demonstrate empathy. Being empathic makes known that having experienced a similar situation, the mediator can relate to how the speaker feels that way.

Being empathic is not, however, the same as being sympathetic; it is not feeling sorry or pitying the speaker. It is a demonstration of care and compassion for how the speaker feels.

For instance:

Speaker: I just can’t believe this is happening. I thought our marriage would last forever.

Mediator: I can understand how you feel. I felt very much the same when I was going through a divorce.

All of the foregoing constructive communication skills modeled by professional divorce mediators give divorcing parents firsthand experience with ways to promote positive co- parenting.

While the adversarial and accusatorial nature of divorce litigation is antithetical to parents having any opportunity to learn how to constructively communicate and promote positive co-parenting, the cooperative and collaborative nature of divorce mediation opens the way for parents to adopt the constructive communication skills required for positive co- parenting.

About Oliver Ross

Oliver Ross has mediated over 2500 Arizona divorces and legal separations.

With his backgrounds in accounting, law, business, psychology and mediation, he is uniquely qualified as a mediator.

Dr. Ross earned a Bachelor of Science degree in accounting in 1965, a Juris Doctor degree in law in 1968, a Master’s degree in clinical psychology in 1992, and a Doctor of Philosophy degree in human behavior psychology in 1994.

He was a trial attorney in California for nineteen years and operated a family-owned business for five years.

For the past twenty years, Oliver has been Director of Mediation Services for his company, Out-of-Court Solutions®.

Oliver has achieved the prominent status of Advanced Practitioner Member of the Academy of Professional Mediators, and is a past Arizona chapter of the Maricopa County Association of Family Mediators.

He has written several articles for professional publications, including, “The Anatomy of Anger,” and a book titled, “Situational Mediation: Sensible Conflict Resolution”.

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A Father’s Thoughts for His Son on Divorce and Co-Parenting

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

My good friend has kindly consented to sharing two journal entries from the years after his marriage breakdown.

He keeps this journal for his son to read as an adult.

As a renowned professional in his field, this piece is at one level a reflection on the impact of work/personal life balance and the price paid for fame.

At another level it demonstrates the difficult but vital role successful co-parenting plays in the aftermath of marriage breakdown. He reflects on his pain and sorrow. Infused in all of it is hope for the understanding and effort he and his former wife made to help their son navigate life after divorce.

May 2009

You are 11 and I’m 67.

The time that has passed has demonstrated, more than anything that your Mom’s and my life are so fundamentally different is so many ways that we could not possibly have predicted when you were born.

But one fact has not changed – how much I love and care about you.

Your Mom decided to leave me and move ahead on her own path in the fall of 2007.  She told me on Halloween night and we told you a couple of weeks later.

You were devastated.

Apparently, when this happened a year or so before to somebody you knew, your Mom had told you it would never happen to you.  That’s all you could say at first, “You promised me it would never happen to me!”

I felt your pain so strongly; I still do.

Your Mom took responsibility for the decision, but I know she worries that you will blame her or lose trust in the women who come into your life.

I know also that she would like me to share the blame and at some level I must; all relationships are about two people and their interactions.

The good thing is that we have maintained a positive relationship, especially as it affects you.

Your Mom didn’t move until after Christmas that year so that it would be as normal as possible for you.  We then went together to Mexico in February, again keeping life as normal as possible.

It has not been all smooth sailing of course, but we have held it together and it gets better as time goes by.

We share parenting without conflict and share special occasions, most recently Easter morning.  The first year was very hard on you with several breakdowns that made clear your pain and gave me such heartache.

I could only hold you and share the pain.  That may never leave you, but you seem much better lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wrote above in comparison to what I had written a few years ago.  Then I strongly cautioned that we must put family and relationships first, listening and taking to heart what the women in our lives say.

Did I fail that badly?  The question comes up right now because I have a girlfriend. She never had children and so can’t readily understand the fact that you come first, and my time for her is partly dependent on what is going on here at the home front.

But I nevertheless find this a very hard question to answer right now, and it is probably one you will face sooner or later.

Anyway, it all seemed so clear a few years ago, but now I’m not so sure about a lot of things to do with relationships.  I think part of the problem is that our society today is so oriented to acquiring things, doing things, and succeeding in a very complex, frantic world.

Add to that the shifting understanding of the relative roles of men and women and the desire of women to have equal opportunity and pursue equally fulfilling careers, and we end up with patterns of living that run counter to our root, biological patterns.

Read a little anthropology and you will see what I’m getting at and how the world began to change about three centuries ago with the introduction of money economies and trade.

I’m digressing, but the point is that neither men nor women can really do it all, all the time.

Could I have kept a home office instead of renting one near the canal when you were two, traveled less and devoted less time to work, and still have provided the income to buy things, go places and do what we all seemed to want?  I doubt it.

Today I earn more than I did at the normal peak of a career because I work hard and give work a high priority.

Don’t misunderstand me — I like the applause and prominence that I enjoy right now.   But I don’t like what it seems to have meant for us as a family.

And when I look at our society and the rate of family fracturing and divorce, I have to ask if this is not also a root cause for so many; that, along with the modern idea that we are owed happiness, with happiness (whatever that is) taking precedence over responsibility.

June 2009

I’m now sitting in the airport waiting for delayed flights after two long, intense days of meetings.

When I had to break off above, I was struggling with the idea of what exactly we can do to meet expectations in a relationship and still meet the expectations of those who hire and pay or depend on us for their jobs and incomes.  I don’t think I know an answer.

As I said the last time, I don’t know the answer to the question of how to neatly package work and home and meet the expectations of people in both worlds.

But don’t kid yourself, you can’t have a job and also have everything else you might want.

You are used to getting pretty much everything you want or need, within reason; certainly more than I ever got because we were very, very poor.

We didn’t even have running water in our little country house when I was in Grade 7/8 and high school.

Compromise may be the answer, and we each have to decide where and how to compromise.  On several occasions you have said that you do not want fame, but you do want to be rich.  Those two often go together, so I’ll be interested to see how it works out.

None of the above denies the importance of our relationships and of family, but it isn’t easy in our modern world and it seems to get harder.

As I mentioned above, I was supposed to speak this morning in New York and people were paying me to come.

When the flight was cancelled at about 7:20 pm and there was no way for me to get there, I hastily emailed the only people I had addresses for to let them know, hoping they would see the emails this morning and be ready when people showed up.

The thing is that all three of the people I emailed got back to me within two hours last night.  What are they doing looking at emails to do with work at that hour?

And that’s the point; it’s a call, text, email, never get out of contact world, and it takes a toll on us as humans, on our families and our relationships.

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

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Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads

Top 10 Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads – Managing that 6 Percent Gap

Published on
W. Eric Croomes
W. Eric Croomes
Author and
Transformation Coach

In the jurisdiction where I live, my co-parent and I split the time with our son fifty-three to forty-seven percent.

Although it varies in different municipalities, here it works to about a six percent gap.

The Six Percent Rule is focused on redirecting your energy toward effectively managing the gap between non-custodial time and your time.

The key to remember is when you remain focused and positive, you are not just making great inroads during the time the child is actually in your care, but you are also managing the six-percent gap in between your time and the mother’s time.

Following the six percent rule will enhance your parenting experience; it will make your time with your child or children more productive.

Most of all, it will give you credence with your offspring as you navigate the choppy waters of co-parenting (read: you will look like the parent taking the high road).

So, if you are a dad and you are co-parenting a child with a hostile mother, follow these motivators to do what is best for the child or children.

Here are ten simple maxims to manage the Six Percent Gap:

1. Focus on Priorities: always stay focused on the priorities; don’t waste time on the superficial stuff; don’t get into miniscule arguments that end up wasting your energy and time.

2. Bend but Don’t Break: be ready to compromise; your child can learn a lot from you about school yard and classroom citizenship when you do this.

3. Influence not Control: it is virtually impossible to ‘control’ a child who is a product of two households; focus instead on influencing the action you’d like to produce.

4. Use Panoramic Lessons: use the larger lessons of life to influence your child in the direction you want them to go; don’t be afraid to use storytelling, metaphor and art to enhance your point.

5. Eliminate the Negative: as much as you possibly can, accentuate the positive and stay away from the negative; say something positive about the mother – even if you don’t believe it!

6. Bridle your Ego: don’t let your ego become the main attraction; suppress it and move on; there are bigger fish to fry.

7. Set the Context: both of the parental relationship and with the child and do it with positive parameters. You are going to have to make up in your mind that you are going to respond positively – no matter what!

8. Execute Lateral Negotiation. never negotiate up or down; if you are a co-conservator, act like one! Proceed from your place of power.

9. Choose Your Battles Wisely: every battle is not a war; choose your conflicts wisely; sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

10. Always give your Best: you may not always have the best to give but you can always give your best; never say ‘I can’t get him because I don’t have any money’; trust in your power; trust that the universal supply.

Raising a child is hard in and of itself, but when you manage by the Six Percent Rule, it’s a lot easier.

(Article first published on thyblackman.com)

 

About Eric Croomes

Eric Croomes is native of Phoenix, Arizona and is founder and chief executive coach of Infinite Strategies LLC, a multi-level coaching firm that develops and executes strategies for fitness training, youth achievement and lifestyle management.

Eric is an author, fitness professional, holistic life coach and motivational speaker.

His two books, Dance in the Dark, Poetic Reflections on Love and Culture (The Apple Tree Group, 2002) and Brotha2Brotha, Becoming Healthy Men from the Inside Out (The Apple Tree Group, 2006), were nominated in 2007 for a literary award and deal primarily with relationships, personal achievement and empowerment.

Eric is also a contributing author to the book No Glory Without a Story, released in May, 2010.   Life’s A Gym: Seven Fitness Principles to Get the Best of Both is Eric’s third solo effort and was released as an eBook in September, 2015.

He is also founder and director of Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy, a non-profit empowerment and mentoring group for teens and single-dads.

Certifications and Licenses

Certified Personal Trainer, National Federation Professional Trainers

Certified Holistic Lifestyle Coach, John Spencer Ellis Institute

Certified Motivational Speaker, IAP Career College

Licensed Baptist Minister

Member, International Toastmasters

Contact Information

Cell: 214.493.2875

Email: askcoacheric@outlook.com

Facebook: W. Eric Croomes and Americas Life Trainer

Twitter: @LifeTrainerEric

LinkedIn: W. Eric Croomes

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Reduce Half-term Friction

Co-parenting Children of Divorce and Separation – How Cooperation can Reduce Half-term Friction

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Half-term holidays can spark the onset of headaches for many divorced and separated parents.

The perennial argument over who gets the children – and when – can be further exacerbated by work patterns and domestic arrangements.

Common issues include full time working fathers being unable to arrange days off when colleagues are also requesting leave – sparking mothers’ concerns that their children will be put in Kids’ Clubs or left with a new partner.

Similarly, a parent who works from home or does not work is better placed to justify having the children than their commuting ex.

With increasing family and work demands putting leisure time at a premium, rifts and tensions result in some couples ending up back in court. Here are some tips to reduce the emotional strain of half term.

  1. Set objectives: just as in the wider context of separation and divorce, start with seeking to achieve what is best for the children, despite your feelings or grievances. Genuinely strive for what will make them happiest, don’t criticise your ex in front of them – and avoid asking them directly or indirectly to take sides.
  1. Be flexible: accept that children will want to see as much of both their parents, their grandparents, wider family and their friends as possible. It falls to both parents to try to achieve this – and if it means that you end up spending less time with your children this half-term, discuss it reasonably with your ex to make up for it in the next one.
  1. Communicate regularly: talk to each other and plan ahead – giving you time to agree on and organise logistics, such as travel, seeing wider family and grandparents’ access.
  1. Keep the children updated on what’s happening: they like certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible about half-term arrangements. This will help them adjust to the unexpected and, hopefully, present a scenario they can look forward to.

If you really can’t reach agreement with your ex, mediation is a far less stressful, more cost-effective option than a return to court.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

 

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families going through divorce

Helping Children Cope with Divorce by Co-parenting Successfully

Published on
co-parenting successfully
Deesha Philyaw and Michael D Thomas
Authors of Co-Parenting 101

Co-parenting successfully, one of the most important interviews that I have ever done!

What’s amazing about this book is the fact that Deesha and Michael were once a married couple.

One of the questions they get all the time is that they must have had a very amicable break-up to have been able to sit down and not only co-author a book but do what some couples find really hard to do together: co-parent successfully.

But they did have those hard feelings and so do understand just what it means to work together for the sake of the children despite how you may feel about your partner.

For co-parenting to work well, there needs to be some level of trust.  Trust that the other person has the best interest of the children in their heart just as much as you do.

As I usually say, the divorce itself is an important occurrence in your child’s life, but what is even more important is how you manage this transition and the life after divorce.

  • How do you manage school functions, Christmas and other important dates and anniversaries?
  • How do you introduce a new partner to your children and to your current co-parenting arrangement?
  • How important is it to honour your child’s relationship with his or her other parent?
  • How do you help your children thrive between two households?
  • What would they advice a mother who is holding her child hostage due to lack of child support payments?
  • What about a divorced father who chooses not to see his child for whatever reason?
  • How do you go about introducing a new partner into your life and that of your children?

There is so much more in this interview.

Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas wrote this book on co-parenting as a means of helping divorced parents or separated parents to manage their co-parenting successfully.

After their divorce, they managed to work together to continue being a family and parents to their children.  They have so successfully done it that after numerous requests to “write a book” it is finally here:  Co-Parenting 101: Helping your kids thrive in two households after divorce. Practical Advice from a formerly married couple.
They are candid and practical about what it means to co-parent, how to do it and how to continue looking after and nurturing your children from two homes.

As it is often said, divorce ends your marriage but not your family.

Thank you Deesha and Michael!

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Sue Atkins - Parenting Coach

Sue Atkins on Co-parenting over Christmas

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Sue Atkins
Sue Atkins
Parenting Coach

I had the pleasure of  interviewing Sue Atkins on co-parenting over Christmas.

Sue is a regular on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield and on BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2.

We focused on children of divorce and divorced parents’ first christmas and their life after divorce.

Sue Atkins has written books on parenting, some of which are truly one of the best books on parenting and how to raise kids.

In this interview Sue talks about the first christmas after divorce. Her tips include preparing for the Christmas day itself so you do not get caught alone and/wondering what to do.

Christmas is an emotional time so pre-empt it and remember that looking after yourself first so as you can cope with divorce and the Christmas is absolutely vital if you are to have the strength, stamina and paitence to deal with the children.

She talks about keeping it simple and asking yourself, “What do my children need from me during this time?”

Appreciate what you have now and appreciate that you don’t have to live through another difficult Christmas.

Why not create your own Christmas tradition? One that suits you and your children as you embark on a new life after divorce?

Sue Atkins suggests that you think of your first Christmas after divorce as a process not an event and at this t ime you are probably at the beginning or divorce process.

So have a little something that symbolises where you are trying to get to, maybe a photo or image of where you want to be in the near future.

Sue Atkins’s tips on how to manage the co-parenting during Christmas are brilliant.  She doesn’t purpote that it will be easy, but it’s definitely not impossible to have a good enough Christmas as you start your new life after divorce.

 

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Parenting Coach & Mum as well as the author of the Amazon best selling books “Parenting Made Easy – How to Raise Happy Children” & ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ one in the famous black and yellow series as well as the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy MP3s and CDs and Workbooks and The Secrets To Well Behaved Kids App

Sue Atkins also regularly appear on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield, BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2  and she has her own regular “Ask Sue” Parenting  Q & A phone- in on BBC Radio Surrey and Sussex once a month.

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Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – The Gifts Bit

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The gifts bit.

This can be one of the trickiest things to decide upon at Christmas especially when you and your ex are not on speaking terms or are experiencing anger, hurt and resentment towards one another.

Well, very, very briefly –

  • No, it’s not competition time to see who will get them the “bestest” present ever nor the most expensive!  Do continue getting them presents as you have always done, with them in mind, not revenge on your ex as motivation.
  • If this is their first Christmas following the divorce, try not to “ease” the pain by furnishing them with every single present that they see on TV.  If anything, a part from the tremendous expense, you will be setting a precedent on what they should be expecting from here on.
  • Too be honest, the gifts are important, but nowhere nearly as much as the experience of a peaceful celebration – especially in high conflict separations.  Do make sure they get that first.
  • If you can, decide between the two of you what each one of you will be getting the children.  This not only stops duplication but also a great way of knowing what they have and what they don’t have as well as what they need or don’t need.
  • If they want a particular present that is costly e.g. the latest games console and 3 games, then split the cost.  That’s what I did with my ex-husbands.  It worked well and was much cheaper and most importantly, the children were really happy.
  • Too many presents can be overwhelming – so if they are used to getting 5 presents then get them 5 and your ex can get them 5 too (one of the perks for children of divorced families, more presents!)

For peace, tranquility and serenity’s sake – Keep it simple.

Lots and lots of warm hugs,

Soila

 

Soila is a graduate member of The British Psychological Society, holds a Masters in Child Development and is a trained Family Mediator.  You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66.

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co-parenting over Christmas

Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 2

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo

Child Trauma Therapist

Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For some, this will be your first Christmas as a divorced parent.

Some of you may have been through family mediation so have a plan all set out as to how you will be co-parenting during this time while some of you are wondering just how to work it out from here on.

Trick is to start with this first Christmas and if your co-parenting plan works out then stick to it until when you need to adjust it.

If it doesn’t work out this time, then you have 11 months to plan how to deal with it next time.

The best thing you can do for your children is to keep them in mind and find a plan that really, truly works for them.

If you’re struggling with reaching an agreement then do consider seeing a trained family mediaitor who can help both of you reach an agreement that works for you.

Anyway, here are some co-parenting ideas that you could try this Christmas.

  • If there is great distance between you and your ex, distance as in geographical not emotional, then you might want to consider alternating Christmas holidays i.e. one year your partner has them over the entire holidays and then next year you have them.  This has worked very, very well in my case.  If you are the one without the children then please do plan what you will do with your time. You will miss the terribly of course, so make sure you have not only a plan but also a support system around you.  Then remember that next year it will be you spending the holidays with your little ones.
  • If you are close enough to walk or drive then consider splitting the day itself.  I met an adult who said that this was how it worked in her family and her and her sister loved it because they got to not only see both parents and extended family on Christmas day, but they got to open two sets of presents too! They would start by having Christmas lunch with their father and then dinner with their mum.
  • Another way of alternating is that one of you has the children on the day itself, i.e. 25th and then the other on 26th and the next year you alternate, you have them on the 25th and your ex-partner has them on the 26th
  • Maybe you could have them on 24th, Christmas eve and do a whole Christmas dinner with other family members e.g. grandparents, open the gifts and truly celebrate and in the morning they could then go off to your ex-spouse home and do the whole thing again with his family

Whichever way you decided to go, put yourself and your emotions to one side, then go off and vent to one of your friends or family if need be but allow the children to go and enjoy Christmas with their mother or their father whatever the case may be.  Make it about them only.  They will thank you, maybe not today or tomorrow but they will one day.

[You can find part oner by clicking here]

Warm holiday hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce and the creator of the five-star rated online parenting course Raising Children of Divorce. 

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Children of divorce

Co-Parenting Advice: The Hits and Misses

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A relationship between two parents does not stop after the divorce papers and parenting plan are signed.

Recognize that the co-parenting relationship is a process which evolves into something different in the post-divorce period.

Serena is divorced with two young daughters and thought the relationship with their father would just fall into its own natural rhythm. She assumed that they would naturally know how to communicate and was surprised when this did not happen.

There were triggers that set them each off and she learned to go on and mistakes will happen. What improved communication was ceasing phone calls and doing most of it by text. Texting enabled it to be more impersonal and helped Serena to delete emotion from the content.

Understanding that males and females have different styles of communication, allows Serena to just present facts or a simple request without a long story. One time she wanted the girls returned two hours later, but gave a detailed reason why. Her ex was fine with the request itself, but became embroiled in the reason for it, and they had an argument.

Serena has tips for raising children in two households and being on the same page with their other parent.

Keep kids out of your dating/sex life.

When married, her four year old was the one who broke the news of her husband’s affair (Daddy loves your friend and she loves Daddy).

Post-divorce they agreed to wait at least three months before introducing a new love interest to the children. She was floored when this same child talked about Daddy’s new girlfriend that he met last week and what a great cat and dog she has. Then the father took the youngsters on a camping trip with Amy, a week or so later, during which the adults had some private time in their tent.

co-parenting advice
Co-parenting advice: Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Serena met Amy at her daughters’ school faire. Her ex put his hand down inside Amy’s trousers on her bum, in front of many children. At least at family and school events, Serena suggests having decorum.

School events are a time when both parents want to see their kids. Recognize your comfort zone and whether you want to sit together or not. Serena realized that the girls are happy to have their parents in the audience and their seating arrangement is unimportant.

Decide on the importance of school attendance. Serena got a call from school one day asking why her daughters were not there. Serena is a teacher and became very upset. Her ex had taken the girls camping over a bank holiday which happened to be on his birthday. He did not ask/inform Serena that he was keeping the girls from school for a day.

Have pick up/drop off in a neutral location, such as the kids’ school.

Serena allowed their father to come over on some mornings, fix the girls breakfast and get them off to school when he had visitation. Serena had to be at her school early before her daughters’ classes started, so it seemed like this was a good arrangement.

She was caught in the façade of “happy family” and this delayed getting over her ex and marriage. Her wounds were raw from her ex’s infidelity and seeing him moving around her house made them feel worse.

A clean break would have been the best for moving on.

When Serena instigated the school for the exchanges, it made such a difference for her.

Energetically the house feels 100% hers (previously the marital home), now that her ex no longer comes over there. For shared care, they have a large carrier bag that contains jackets and other items that go between houses. Otherwise, they have clothes at each house.

In the past, Serena and her former spouse got together on holidays with the girls. There was tension between them and friction with each other’s extended families. It helps that Serena is Christian and her ex is Jewish, so there are less compromises to make regarding the religious days.

Her daughters are asking to have more time with their mother and Serena rues that the mediator set up 50/50 shared time. She is going back to the mediator to work with their father to get a schedule with less transitions and more time at her house. Serena is happy that her girls have a close relationship with their father and feels that co-parenting is getting a little easier as time goes by.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Co-parenting and Life after Divorce

Co-parenting and Life after Divorce – It’s Really not about you

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There are so many stories from adult children of divorce who remember their parents’ divorce like it was yesterday.

Some talk about being let down over and over again by their fathers who would fail to turn up for scheduled visits.

Others will tell you about how their mothers brainwashed them into hating their other parent to the point where the false beliefs they held not only affected their spent time with their father but also took years to dispel.

You will find situations where the child’s life after divorce is indeed no better than when he lived with combative parents, the only difference now, is that she can sleep knowing that there will be no shouting matches to wake up to.  But every exchange time is almost a guarantee that an argument will erupt.

This then means that although your child is looking forward to seeing the other parent, the experience that precedes this union, is fraught with anxiety, fear and dread, emotions that can take a toll on your child over a period of time if persistently experienced.

It’s great when parents create a parenting plan that works for them and their little ones.  But, unfortunately, there are so many parents who believe that the creation of such a plan is enough to provide a secure and comfortable life for their children.

I wish it was but it isn’t enough.  The co-parenting plan is certainly a first step but in order for this to work successfully you have to continuously keep in mind that this plan is, first and foremost, for your child’s welfare and wellbeing.  It’s not about you.

All co-parenting arrangements are or should be about your children.

Co-parenting after divorce or separation needn’t be hell. No. It may not be easy but it needn’t be so.

If for one second you imagine the scenario from your child’s perspective, just take a moment and imagine what he is seeing and hearing, then you will learn just how terribly upsetting it is to hear the exchange of words, the doors slamming, the shouting, the name-calling etc.

co parenting
Just keep your child in mind no matter what.

If you, as the parent and adult, find yourself getting angry and emotional think what it might be doing to your child; same emotion, little body that doesn’t even have the maturity of managing difficult feelings and thoughts.

Children of divorced parents already have plenty to cope with, plenty to adjust to and at times plenty of emotions without the added anxiety gifted by their parents.

You are supposed to take that anxiety and fear away.  Not add to it.

You are supposed to help reconstruct the world for her. Not continue to disassemble it.

Co-parenting is such a wonderful thing. It is the best thing you can do for all children of divorce.  It’s shouldn’t be about point scoring. You can do that in other ways, in your own time and making yourself miserable if you must, without using your child as ammunition or holding him hostage.

When you arrive late to pick your daughter up or not turn up at all, what do you imagine she feels?  Surely she must feel something.  What do you think that is? If this happens over and over again, what do you imagine is going on for her?  What feelings or messages is she getting about how you feel about her?  Who do you imagine is hurting?  Why would you want to put her through that?  What’s so important that you decided not to turn up…again?  You?

When you take your son back at 8 o’clock on Sunday evening without having had any dinner and in dirty clothes, what do you think is going on in his mind?  He has been here before.

He knows mum is going to get angry and dad defensive.  Why? Because it’s Sunday evening, he has school tomorrow, but he will be going to bed at 9 or later after he has had a shower and dinner, preparation that you could have done for your child’s sake before taking him back home to start the week.

You’re child is not your priority at that time, you are.

Keep in mind that there is a physical reaction to every emotion and in a situation such as this, the physical reaction is not a positive one and you are the cause.

Joint custody can be hard. It can be extremely challenging especially where you are unfortunate enough to be co-parenting with a narcissist.

What I say to this is do your bit. Play your role as the supportive parent that you want to be. Have a support system where you can take your emotions, thoughts, anxieties and fears.

Just keep your child in mind no matter what. Create your own parenting plan that works for your family. Your child really has no one else.

Your marriage might be over yes, but your family isn’t. It has transformed, changed and it’s time to adjust to that and play along nicely.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and Parenting Lives

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and the creator of the 4.6 rated online course Parenting after Separation

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 1

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you are reading this, then chances are that this is your first Christmas as a divorced or separated parent and co-parenting, as it stands can be quite tricky at the best of times.

Here are some tips that will help in co-parenting over Christmas:

  • Make the arrangements together, i.e. you and your ex, whenever possible. Whatever plans you have for your little ones, let the other person know.  It makes it easier, not only you, but more importantly for the children because they will know what is happening when, where and how.  This gives them a sense of security.
  • You both can have a celebration with your children during the time that they are with you.  What do I mean by this?  Well, if the children are with you on Christmas day for example, it’s easy for you to do all the Christmasy stuff that you usually do or create your your own Christmas rituals if need be.  If, on the other hand, you are the parent who isn’t with the children on the 25th, then you can still do the Christmasy things.  I don’t think there are any Christmas police out there…yet:-)
  • Do respect the time that your ex has with the children.  That is their time and you will have  your time. Don’t call them every 5 minutes to make sure that all is well or ask how the children are doing as this may just cause a lot of unnecessary  frustration and bother for you both.
  • This is really not the time to introduce your new partner.  Holidays are usually emotional anyway, divorce increases that emotions then to add a new partner to the mix might work for you but not for your children.  Do chose another time.
  • Realise that they will miss the other parent and might actually be concerned about the parent “left behind”.  You might find that your children want to call mummy/daddy over the holidays for whatever reason and it’s good to realise that it’s not about you, but about them and their emotions.  Let them call.

Holidays are here to stay and so is your divorce – understand that, accept that and allow your children to have fun, relax and enjoy.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

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