The Nightmare Before Christmas: The Divorced Parents’ Guide to Resolving Family Disputes

Matthew Clemence
Senior Associate, Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator with
Prettys

For families everywhere Christmas can be a tricky time.

Rows about whose family to visit, relatives we’d rather not see and who is cooking the Christmas dinner can all threaten to spoil what should be the most wonderful time of year.

Add divorce and child arrangements to the mix and the festive season can become even more frosty.

Consider mediation

Christmas is all about the magic of children running downstairs to open their presents. This is what parents want to experience most and it can be difficult to make plans they agree on if they have divorced or are separated.

Arrangements may already be in place, so it is all about finding compromises and working out how the child can spend a good amount of time with each parent over the festive period.

One of the best options is to consider mediation – the face-to-face interaction this process offers can help both parents to understand how each other is being emotionally affected.

It also gives them a chance to air their thoughts and feelings, something which can’t be communicated as easily through letters and emails.

Dealing with cases this way can help warring parents to realise the impact their own actions could have on their children and the wider family.

Getting parents to view an issue from the other side can be quite compelling as it can make them think about their own behaviour and perspective.

The Government insists mediation is tried before disputes end up in court and there is also no public funding for this type of issue, so mediation is a much better option.

If there is no agreement, the courts will get involved. They will always try to be fair wherever possible, which means aiming for equal time between the two parents.

Be reasonable with your expectations

One issue which we have seen cause tension is over the Christmas presents a child receives from one parent and how they want to take them between both homes. We’ve seen situations where parents insist that a gift does not go to the home of the other parent.

Children should feel free to take their gifts between houses as they may want to show the other parent what they’ve got for Christmas. Parents need to be reasonable and allow this to happen.

There also needs to be an acceptance that gifts can break and if this happens at the other parent’s house this does not mean it is the fault of that person. These things need to be explored and understood by both parties.

Communication is key

When it comes to gift giving it is vital to communicate. Some parents still jointly buy presents but usually separated parents have their own individual budgets. They need to consult each other so that gifts aren’t duplicated by mistake.

If there is a financial imbalance between the two parents, agreeing a set budget will also stop any feeling of unhealthy competition regarding gift expense.

Alternatively, it should be made clear to a child that if they are receiving an expensive gift that it’s not coming from just one parent but the extended family on that side.

This prevents one parent feeling embarrassed or an ‘inferior’ parent if they can’t afford the same level of gift.

Be aware of family members overseas

Sometimes families have Christmas plans which involve travelling abroad to visit extended family. If this is the case, then you have to remain child-focused and realise that this is a life experience for the child Parents should not put their own opinions and desires before that.

Plus, with technology such as Skype and FaceTime, it is a lot easier for children to communicate with the other parent even if they’re far away.

Involve children in decision-making if appropriate

All children mature at different times and there may be other dynamics at play that sometimes hinder their ability to make a decision – especially as they won’t want to upset either parent.

But they should be included in decision-making if parents deem it appropriate. They need to appreciate the child’s wants and needs over their own.

The best thing at Christmas is for a child to see both parents being civil and accommodating to one another and making an effort to get on well.

Children should not see the conflicts between parents.

Trying to put the needs of the child first will help ensure a trouble-free Christmas that everyone in the family can enjoy.

Click here for more articles by Matthew Clemence

ABOUT MATTHEW CLEMENCE

Matthew qualified as a solicitor in 2001 following completion of his training at a prominent law firm in East London.

Matthew originally joined Prettys in 2003 before leaving to head up the family law team in a firm based in Newmarket in 2009.

Matthew has now re-joined Prettys as a Senior Associate bringing with him a wealth of experience to the family law team.

Notably, Matthew was the husband’s solicitor in the Wright case which received worldwide publicity following the decision passed down by The Court of Appeal involving spousal maintenance, the result of which has dramatically changed the legal landscape in this area of law.

Consequently Matthew now receives instruction from clients both in the UK and abroad seeking advice in this particular area.

In addition, Matthew advises clients on all issues arising from family matters, including divorce, financial resolution, children disputes, pre/post marital agreements as well as financial resolution with cross jurisdictional elements, businesses, trusts and land.

Matthew is collaboratively trained and a member of Resolution.  He is committed to resolving all family matters outside court wherever possible.

prettys.co.uk

mclemence@prettys.co.uk

t 01473 298337

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