Letters to Linda - Page 3

We divorced years ago and both of us moved on to new partners. Our only daughter is grown, married and has two children. I am devoted to all of them.  My problem is that my former wife shows no interest in our daughter or her grandchildren. She talks to our daughter a few times a year when she also sees her grandchildren. My daughter feels there is no real connection with her and with the children and their grandmother. 

Family estrangement is stressful pressure on a family, particularly with the emotion of divorce is attached to it.

You don’t know why your former wife has distanced herself.

Look at the history she had with your daughter. Were they ever very close? Did something happen to change the dynamic of the relationship?

Focus on what you do know first. Your daughter is concerned enough as she has talked to you about it. How did you respond? Did you offer any suggestions? Does your daughter want to reconnect?

You have been divorced for many years and it is probably best to limit your involvement to advice for your daughter. Encourage her to talk directly to her mother.

It is really between your daughter and her mother. Best to not pass judgement on the situation. Listen when your daughter talks but that can be very tricky territory. You don’t want to be caught in a ‘he said, she said’ situation all these years past your divorce.

There is also a stage we reach in family estrangement where leaving it alone for a time is perhaps the best approach.

You don’t know what might be going on in your former wife’s life. If there is an issue, she may not be ready to discuss it with her daughter. But be assured there are probably things you do not know about for why this has happened.

Estrangement is very stressful for a family.

All that you can do, that you have control over, is your own interaction with your daughter and grandchildren. Make sure you and your daughter have a strong relationship. Be available when she wants to talk. Listen. Pay attention to your grandchildren. Be a significant part of their lives.

Don’t criticize your ex- wife or discuss her absence in front of your grandchildren.

Children see and hear much more than we realize. They are children processing adult conversation and opinions and it is not optimal to colour their opinion of their grandmother.

It has been my experience that one good parent offsets the effects of an absentee parent or grandparent. As their grandfather, you have a significant part to play in your grandchildren’s lives.

Enjoy your time with them, take an interest in what they are doing and make each visit special. Create lasting memories. That is really all you can do.

You know your ex-wife is missing out on a very important part of life where we reap the benefits of our hard work as parents.  For whatever reasons, it is her choice to be mostly absent at this time in family life.

As difficult as it may be to accept, there’s also the possibility she is really not interested.

Some absentee parents feel they have done their job and now it is time to do all the things they felt they missed in those parenting years.

You are there for your daughter and grandchildren. Focus less on your former wife’s absence and more on your presence in their lives and enjoy every minute you share together.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

Not so much a question as a statement and alert to other married couples. My wife and I will be separating after nearly 30 years of marriage. We drifted apart. We both let it happen. I don’t blame her and I hope she doesn’t blame me. Our children are adults and worry what the future as a family will be like. I really want to remind everyone, if you have a good marriage, look after it.

Thank you for being so open at a very difficult time in your life. You are not alone, as I think you already know, in becoming complacent. It happens to many people.

The problem is that it happens silently, like background music that is there but not noticed.

We go about our lives together, covering all the bases of food, housing, getting to appointments and fall into that place of thinking that is enough for a marriage. As many have learned it is not- in fact- enough.

A relationship is a living organism. It needs those basics of food and housing but it also needs nurturing.

The nurturing is the hard part because that means all the times we need to be there for our partner when we’d much rather be doing something else. We do it because down the road we trust that our partner will do the same for us when we are in need. Trust is a cornerstone of any marriage.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of any divorce is the broken bond of trust we had with our partner. There are many ways trust can be compromised in a marriage but in this instance the relationship was taken for granted and was lost as a result.

It’s much easier to go through the motions, look good to your world and make allowances for anything lacking. Then suddenly, the day arrives, as it happened to you, where you are staring into a void-an emptiness that cannot be filled. There is no anchor to the marriage anymore.

If there is any chance it is not too late then perhaps you can see a marriage counselor, have a trial separation and evaluate in a few months. In today’s world of instant everything you can take your time in this separation process. The rule book for how we must separate and divorce has long ago been thrown out.

Was there ever a good time together? What did that look like? Can you get back to that place?

If it is beyond the point of no return then you can be supportive, civil and committed to your family together. Resolve to be the best divorced couple possible with a relationship based on empathy and respect. Give your children the security they deserve. Although changed in structure you are still a family together.

If you do divorce remember it is not the end but a detour in life. Learn from the mistakes made and ensure your next relationship partner receives the care and attention they deserve.

My husband moved out Boxing Day. I don’t know why we thought spending Christmas together would be a good idea when we knew we were separating. The kids were sad, I was angry and he was eager to get through Christmas to leave. Now what?

There are lots of separating couples that make decisions they wonder about at a later date. Some even go on one last holiday and others spend one last holiday season together.  You did it, it’s over and there is nothing you can do to change what happened.

What you can do now is focus on your life with your children and your future. If you are OK, your kids will be OK.

Routines are essential to establish stability in the new family unit. If you have shared custody then make sure the children have input on the scheduling of their visits back and forth.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of divorce is acceptance of the changes needed in this new reality.

Rules need to be established. Will he be expected to knock at your door and wait for it to be opened? How much interaction between the two of you is another question to consider. Do you keep connected on social media? Too often social media is used as a place to get even and no one benefits from public outbursts. Your children might see it and their friends might see it too.

Your goal right now is to begin to put your new life together ensuring stability for your children after what has probably been many difficult months.

Learning a new language of ‘my’ children and ‘me’ is another task. They are your children together but when talking to friends and family I found it best to refer to them as mine. Using plural pronouns only complicated matters because we weren’t ‘us’ anymore.

He is gone. So another question is how you will refer to him in conversation. The children’s father is one example and his given name another. Both are less abrasive than my Ex.

Starting a new life has its challenges but being prepared for these eventualities helps ease the transition. Your children have probably experienced some very difficult times and keeping the negative emotion controlled will be of great benefit to them.

How will you deal with parent teacher interviews? Do you feel comfortable sharing the interview with him or do you wish to do it separately?

Schools are very accommodating toward separate interviews so ask for it if you feel that is what you want. Above all do what makes you most comfortable and not what he expects you to do. This is your new life now.  School concerts and sports events can be dealt with in the same way. Any decision can be altered down the road but for now do what feels best for you.

Resolve to be the best parent you can be. Your children need to know they can depend on you and that you will be balanced and fair in your decision making with them.

Too often our loss of control in the divorce process leads to an anger that is acted out on people closest to us.

Gaining control of our emotions means better decision making and there will be many decisions ahead. Your children have a future that needs to be considered. They can weather divorce and lead fulfilling lives with kindness, security and guidance.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I was in a committed relationship for ten years. For many reasons we mutually agreed to separate. My problem is that because we weren’t married my friends are a bit dismissive. I feel that some of them think it was a lesser relationship than a marriage. We both didn’t believe a ceremony would make anything different and opted not to get married. But everything else was the same. How can I help my friends understand I am feeling the same way anyone would feel after a divorce?

No matter how much society progresses we still have strong perceptions about institutions and marriage is one of them. That does not make your friend’s reactions right but there is a reason behind their feeling about the situation.

The end of any committed relationship is an extremely difficult time.

Anger, worry and fear are all emotions that you deal with on a daily basis. There are many decisions to be made and many unknowns in your future. You want and need the support of your friends to help you through this time.

However, there’s an anger towards those friends who you think do not understand and also anger over your personal loss. That loss of personal control in both situations is a negative force in your life right now.

Your own well being should be the primary focus. Looking after your physical and emotional health is absolutely necessary. There are new challenges as your single life takes shape. You have many decisions to make and you will want to make the right ones.

The main priority is adjusting to the new circumstances of your life. That takes time. Our whole life and day to day patterns change when a relationship ends. Take care to sort out how this new stage in your life will evolve.

As for your friends, statements like “You don’t understand’ are judgemental and lack explanation or information. Best to try to educate your friends about what a committed relationship outside of marriage is like. A simple ‘this is marriage ‘ and ‘this was us’ outline of life will help them discover that there really was no difference. Be patient with those friends who you feel may not fully understand the seriousness of your situation. If they are good friends, there was most likely no malice in their judgements.

Remember that in those first few months after separation our perceptions are skewed. It may seem like friends are less than supportive but a PTRD sets in –a type of Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder.

Grief is the main reason for many of those extreme emotions and judgments we feel after the demise of a relationship. Commit to working through the stages of grief. One day in your future you will reach an acceptance for what has happened.

It may take time for some of your friends to truly understand how you are feeling. Many conversations may be necessary. Those conversations are all part of the healing process.

As we talk about our former life, we give our past shape and substance. It will also help you come to terms with the end of your relationship and focus on the future you want. Good Luck!

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

Since I found out about my ex husband’s affair I have changed. I know I have. I feel like a character in one of those TV dramas, obsessing about everything in my life. There are days when it seems all I can think about is showering to get rid of the smutty feel of being an unknowing part of what he did. Why do I feel that I want to prove I don’t have all those character flaws he was so eager to point out with such obvious satisfaction? Will I ever feel normal again?

You are experiencing the same feelings most women feel in the aftermath of an affair.

It is the first stage of the grief process – anger. The loss of control over the end of a marriage is at the top of the list of life’s major crises.

We turn inward and rage at that personal loss. You had no choice in being the 3^rd party to your former husband’s affair.

In the immediate aftermath it is hard to imagine a time when you won’t hurt, you don’t feel ‘smutty’ and you don’t think about the aspects of your divorce every minute of the day.  You want to get to a personal place that is ‘better not bitter’.

His opinions about your character are just that – his opinions. He is gone and has no control over you now. Allowing what was said to continue to fester is giving him power he doesn’t deserve.

First task is to get a handle on your emotions. There are various ways but exercise is certainly one of the best. Even if it is only going for a walk and stopping for a coffee or tea at the local bistro, exercise has an immediate positive effect on us physically. Taking control of your life as a single person is a big step.

Shaping a new life takes time and energy. Another way to move forward is to force new thoughts into your head. Plan a project, big or small. It may never come to fruition but plan it anyway. Every new step you take is a step away from the past and a step forward into your future.

A personal journal is a place to pour out anger and hurt without wearing out friends and relatives. A journal never gets tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. It is also an excellent gauge of your progress. You will see your new life sprouting from the words on the pages of that journal.

If it does not feel like you can make this progress on your own then seek out a counselor or trusted friend that will give you the advice you need. Sometimes an objective view can help us turn the corner.

All of your emotions at this time are part of life after divorce. You will get through it with commitment and determination.

We have enormous personal power and that is what will see you through this time. I know from personal experience you can and will get beyond those ‘smutty’  feelings and obsessing about his criticisms.

One day you will be thankful he left because his leaving has given you a future that will be happier and healthier without his negative influence. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I think my husband is having an affair. I have played mind games for months trying to convince myself it is just my imagination. He has become so distant both physically and emotionally. When he walks in the door he brushes past me and it feels like – honestly it feels like I repulse him. I find him looking at me oddly and when we get into bed we might as well be in different rooms. We haven’t been married very long and this started soon after we married. Even on our wedding day I felt he was only half there.  What should I do? Is it really all my imagination?

Any person who has felt isolated in a marriage can relate to your story.

That feeling of distance and sense of revulsion many people in a committed relationship have felt when a distancing appears.

We usually have those feelings for a reason. It’s most likely not your imagination. Trust yourself. What you don’t know are the reasons why you feel as you do and that is what needs to be discovered.

You’ve only been married a short time so everything is new to the both of you. Being married changes things. There is a sense of permanence and commitment to one person. It might only be your husband is feeling the pressure of being married and adjusting to perceived parameters in his life.

Before you talk to your husband write down all the reasons why you feel the way you do. Be as specific as you can in detailing times and places where those feelings came to you. This will help bring some clarity to your thinking and then when you talk together it will be in a clear and focused manner.

Perhaps start by asking him how he is feeling in these first months of marriage and tell him you sense something is amiss. Is it work? Is it something you can both work on? Very small steps at first.

The lack of intimacy and warmth is a very difficult challenge. Opening up lines of communication is a necessary step. Were you able to communicate before the distancing? Did anything happen that you recall to trigger this emotional distancing?  Proceeding carefully, without judgements, is important.

In highly emotionally charged situations like this we can often make accusations that turn out to be unfounded.

As often happens when we ask questions we forget to give the person a chance to respond or we try to answer for them. Ask your questions and wait for his answer. Qualify your questions with the fact you feel something has changed.

Explain your feelings as clearly as possible. Your goal is to understand what is happening because a marriage is a shared relationship.

Let him explain how he is feeling and go from that point. There are any number of possibilities why you feel as you do. Try to go into the discussion with an open mind, ready to listen.  Good Luck!

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. Linda is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I will be one of those grey divorcees in a few months. Our children are grown and they are having difficulty with this new phase in our family life. I have a few good years left. I desperately wanted to live some new experiences. My marriage was more convenience than comfort. We married young, had a family who grew up and then we were alone together in our home.  I have felt like I was living a half-life for years.  I am also worried about my grandchildren. Will they understand?  

You have already made some decisions and seem solidly committed to them.

A divorce at this time of life affects a family just as much as at any other time. Only, as you have suggested, there are more people involved, namely grandchildren.

Your children deserve some type of explanation. Without being too negative, they need to understand how you are feeling and why. Telling them will also help clarify your feelings.

Each time we tell ‘our story’ it becomes more solid in our own mind. It’s a delicate balance, aim for the truth without oversharing. You do not want your children taking sides. That will only create more family grief. Be mindful of their hurt as you proceed.

It has been my experience that it is never easy for children to see their parents’ divorce, not matter what their age.

You are no doubt feeling buoyant at the possibilities before you. Remember that although you have been thinking about this for some time, chances are the people in your immediate family will be caught by surprise. This is in part due to our tendency to always put on a brave face and hide those emotions under the surface.

Grandchildren are one generation removed and will probably be a bit more accepting of any new circumstances as long as they see you both as they have done.  Ensure they do not get swept up in the divorce drama. They will ask questions and answer them honestly again without oversharing. Divorce is common in their world in that they probably have friends who have divorce in their lives in some way.

From what you have written it seems there was nothing traumatic that triggered this separation. It was more apathy that became unbearable. If your soon to be ex-husband does not exactly share your feelings that give him the understanding he deserves. He has been there through the family years with you. Aim for amicable without animosity.

Are you certain of what you want for a future? Would a trial separation if your ex-husband is agreeable be a better step? These are questions only you can answer.

Among the many things to consider- what you are willing to do in terms of family gatherings. Do you want to include your former spouse in family events where you are present? With the holidays coming are you and your family comfortable being altogether?

There may be some unforeseen sacrifices ahead. Trusted people you thought you could count on might find it difficult supporting your choice. Finances might be another obstacle as your assets are divided.

The initial stage will be the most difficult for everyone. Life will eventually settle into its new configuration and your family and friends will adjust.

It is a bold step but will be worth it if you can achieve the life you want along with respecting the people affected by your choices.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. Linda is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My former mother-in-law sees our children regularly. We never got along even before the divorce. She criticized me constantly. I could never do anything right including be a husband to her daughter. I know she has a right to visit her grandchildren but I don’t know how to handle this situation. The holidays are coming and I will be seeing my kids. I feel like I need to defend myself with them.

There is no more difficult task than meshing the old and the new after divorce.

She is not your mother-in-law anymore but she is a constant reminder of your former life. However, she has no control over you now. The family relationship has ended. The dynamic has changed.

Your former mother-in-law is still the children’s grandmother. If their relationship is positive in spite of the divorce then all you can do is accept that.

Your children have a different perspective because she is still their grandmother. Chances are they probably only view her as ‘granny’ and that is enough for them.

When a relationship like this is tainted the biggest challenge is to distance ourselves from it. Limit any discussion of ‘granny’ with your children. If it comes up in conversation then you can ask if they enjoyed their visit and keep any other discussion about granny minimal.

Ensure that their visits with you do not include any expectation to carry tales back and forth. Often children get caught in that. It can even happen quite by accident if they inadvertently offer information.  It’s a delicate balance to stay focused on other things even for an adult. Be mindful of conversation drifting to negative comments and gently change the subject.

If any previous visits with granny have been upsetting for any reason then there is nothing wrong with checking in with them that everything is OK.

If anything is said by your children that needs addressing then keep it simple. If it requires a discussion with your Ex-wife then do so when your children are not around. Express your opinion or request without acrimony and listen to what she says. Second and third hand stories can get very distorted.

One of the most difficult tasks in our post -divorce life is letting go of emotional connection.  Buttons are so easily pushed after going through the turmoil of divorce. Your former mother-in-law’s attitude toward you is really a part of your past and distancing yourself from her criticisms should be a goal.

It’s not easy to put aside the hurt and anger but children want nothing more than things to feel normal. They have been witness too many upsetting events and need love and support from every family member willing to give it to them including their grandmother.

Life after divorce is difficult enough without the turmoil being extended into your children’s lives. If there is reason to see her this holiday and it is a challenge to be friendly with her then opt for neutral.

We can only engage in arguments and anger if the participant is willing. Limit face to face time and keep any communication minimal. You are dealing with many emotions and need to look after yourself as well.

Focus on your relationship with your children. Actions speak louder than words in spite of what might have been previously said or they overheard.

Keep your relationship and visits with them positive. It is through those visits and your actions that your children will see you for you in your post-divorce life.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

What should I do if I realise my husband is too good for me but I can’t stop being horrible to him? He’s just left me and I don’t blame him, he’ll have such a better life on his own.

To begin, by writing you’ve proven two things. You are able to identify a negative behaviour and then you had the courage to write and express your fears.

A perceived flaw in our character does not mean everything about us is bad.

Everyone has things about themselves they have to work on every day. We are only making assumptions if we think someone’s life is better without us.

Another positive in what you’ve written is that expressing this guilt for your behaviour suggests remorse. That is a very good sign.

Remorse can be the first step to changing behaviour. Remorse means you don’t like viewing yourself as ‘horrible’ and inside you there is a desire for change.

You are capable of this introspection so what you need to do now is consider how you can change these behaviours as you move into your future. Remember that these are behaviours- personal choices made in certain circumstances and not the sum total of your character.

We all have things we’d like to revisit but the past is just that –the past.

Just because you treated your husband as you did does not mean that has to be what happens in the future.

You say he will have a better life but has he said that? Perhaps the greatest critic in life is ourselves and our self-esteem is the target.

Is this separation temporary and you want to consider reconciliation at some point in the future? If that is possible then you need to review a few things.

What are the triggers that create those ‘horrible’ times? Determining beforehand what it is that prompts your behaviour is a step toward self-control.

This might be something for you to explore with a counselor. Anger is hardly ever about the other person involved but more about an inner struggle with loss of some personal control.

How we relate to others- what kind of relationships we have begins with understanding how our past links to present day behaviours and a counselor can help you make those connections.

We all live with baggage from our past. I know from personal experience that with the help of a professional we can deal with it and change.

For the immediate, look at ways to exercise self-control. If reconciliation is a possibility then do this gradually.

Spend time together doing things you’ve both enjoyed and talk about what went wrong. The goal is to understand and learn from what has happened.

One of the mistakes made in many conversations is that we forget to listen.

We are too busy thinking about what we want to say and miss what the other person is saying. Or we try to put words in their mouth. Active listening requires eye contact and your full attention.

When you talk with your Ex remember to enter those conversations with an open mind and pack away any assumptions.

If reconciliation is not an option then you need to decide the shape of your future relationship with your Ex-husband. If there are children then there will be some interaction.

Again this is where identifying the triggers that led to the difficult times will be helpful. As well, those meaningful conversations with him will help you both accept the past, reach a level of civility and move on. It is never too late to be decent in your dealings with him.

Change in behaviour takes time. Acknowledging past behaviour is the first step to making changes. Decide what you want in your future, commit to those better personal choices and celebrate every victory.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I have a new girlfriend and nobody knows about her yet including my Ex-wife and my kids. I am afraid to tell them about her. She is a bit odd and quirky, tats and piercings but wonderful, kind and caring. Everyone in my family is very traditional and I am afraid of what they might say to her. Christmas is coming and I want to see my kids and I want to include her. The kids are very close to their mother. What should I do?

I think you know that you need to tell your family soon.

Christmas is only a few weeks away. Have you asked yourself why you have kept this a secret so far?

Your secrecy and hesitancy can set up unwanted suspicions which can add tension to the discussions you need to have with your family. Any divorce challenges the ability to trust between family members.

Everyone will need to adjust to this new family configuration.

Children are a long time giving up hope of their parent’s reconciliation so introducing a new girlfriend needs to be done with care and compassion.

There’s still some time until the holiday. Plan to tell them very soon and arrange a meeting for your children before the holidays begin. Holidays are emotionally charged at any time but post-divorce you are re-framing a family tradition.

Begin with telling your ex-wife. She should be given that courtesy.

In any divorce there’s already been enough emotional pain. Everyone benefits if you can reach a level of decency and respect. Your new relationship will impact the family as your children will be spending time with you and her. She should not have to hear the news second hand.

Plan what you will say. Speak to her directly either in person or on the phone. Keep the message simple. You have a new girlfriend and some might find her appearance a little different.

Be matter of fact as body art is relatively common and perhaps you are being overly sensitive to what your family might think.

A conversation between you and your children should be next. Be open and honest. Although your girlfriend has probably experienced it before, children are naturally curious and may ask questions about her appearance when they first meet her.

Give your children a few ground rules beforehand. Remind them about their manners. As long as everyone remains polite, the stories about her body art might be good conversation starters. Plan a short, first get together in a neutral place and limit the PDA’s on the first meeting with your kids.

Your children love both their parents. Divorce is a child’s worst fear. Introducing a new girlfriend is another big step. Being mindful of their sensitivities will help alleviate any awkward moments. They could well worry that a new girlfriend displaces them in your world and will need assurance that your relationship with them will not change.

With kindness and consideration the holiday can work for everyone. However, as this relationship is so very new, your children will probably want to be with you alone for some of it. They need time adjusting to sharing you with her.

You want this holiday in its various configurations to work out well for everyone. Finding an equitable balance in that time spent together is the best chance for success.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda

I would really like to get into the dating scene again but I am so embarrassed about the reasons for my divorce. I am just not ready for new people to know why we divorced. I’m lonely and afraid of being thought of as stupid to allow what happened to happen. Help!

There are many that know exactly how you feel.

When we have been deceived – our trust betrayed- in any way within our primary relationship then self -doubt and embarrassment are constant companions.

We blame ourselves for being too complacent and trusting too readily. Who goes into a marriage thinking there will come a time when you can’t trust the person you’ve married?

Remember- If we give our best to our significant other and don’t get it in return then – who should be embarrassed?

First you need to assess if you are ready to date again.

Quite often first time daters after a divorce are not ready. Starting too soon is just setting yourself up for missteps.

A good place to start is new friendships. New friendships can be found in a variety of ways.

If you decide to use an online dating site declare that you are only seeking friendship at this time. Don’t be afraid to be honest. You’d expect the same from a potential date.

There will be lots of people on the site feeling exactly the same way you can be sure. You also have to decide what the boundaries and parameters of the relationship will be at the friendship level as well.

Find a group that is connected to an interest you have or take a course that interests you. Like-minded people make great friends.

Make a point of spending very little conversation time on being divorced. That way there is less opportunity to be asked questions you don’t want to answer.

You will be asked why you divorced so plan an answer in advance. Come up with an answer that is honest without being forthcoming on details. You were sad it ended but things did not work out for us is an example and then subtly move on to another topic.

It’s been my experience that most people are really not that interested in details and we can wear out those new friendships with our divorce story.

We lived it and were immersed in the details- but others, particularly new friends, know you as you today and not as the person married to someone.  It really is a good mental exercise to talk about things other than the divorce.

You will reach a day where your life and conversations are far more than the details of your divorce. Take your time and appreciate the opportunities with this new chapter in your life. Don’t rule out the possibility of a friendship turning into something more in the future.

To the right person, your reasons for divorce will be a non- issue. It will be about the two of you and the future you decide to build together.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.