Mila Smith

Your Science-Backed Guide to the Emotional Impact of Divorce

Published on
Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

Divorce is often described as a legal process, however, the paperwork is not necessarily the hardest part…

The emotional consequences often last a lot longer than the court proceedings. Alongside the end of a marriage comes the loss of routines, shared dreams, family traditions and, for many people, part of their identity.

It’s therefore no surprise that divorce is considered one of life’s most traumatic events.

Many people feel under pressure to “move on”, whether that’s because of comments from family and friends or the expectations they place on themselves. Yet even when you know divorce was the right decision, you may still find yourself unprepared for its emotional reality.

Whatever your circumstances, the emotional pain is a natural human response to loss.

Why divorce hurts so much

Scientists have long recognised that the end of a significant relationship can trigger emotional responses very similar to bereavement.

Studies using fMRI scans show that the brain of someone who has recently experienced heartbreak looks remarkably similar to that of someone going through drug withdrawal. People also “relapse” the way addicts do.

“They are in physical and mental pain. Like a mouse on a treadmill, they are obsessively ruminating on what they’ve lost. And they are craving reunion with their rejecting beloved – addiction.” *

Simply removing the stimulus (the person) doesn’t make your feelings disappear. Loss only intensifies emotional responses, activating brain regions associated with grief and pain. One thing is clear: the suffering is real.

When you understand what is happening and why, it may not take the pain away, but it will help the fear and uncertainty subside – and it can also prevent you from falling into the usual traps.

The emotional stages of divorce

Although everyone’s experience is different, many people move through similar emotional stages during separation / divorce. Research reveals that various stages of a breakup make evolutionary sense: *

 


Protest. The first stage is usually denial and protest designed by nature to motivate you to get your partner back and resume partnership whenever possible.

Frustration and Aggression. If the above doesn’t work, rejected people often suffer from frustration and aggression. Romantic love and rage can coexist. This stage may help increase distance, estrangement and final separation because anger is not attractive.

Resignation and Despair. Following acceptance, signs of depression appear. This actually sends an honest signal and a cry for help to family and friends.

Transition Phase. Eventually, reality sets in and the transition phase begins. This often overlaps with the previous phase. People reflect and review the relationship, obsessively. Without structure, this can last years especially when people keep going back and forth, making up and breaking up again, like a yo-yo effect.

Recovery Phase. Freedom returns, though readiness for a new relationship may take much longer. There is no prescribed timeline for recovery, as every person’s experience and pace is different. However, the emotional impact can be eased with the right qualified support.

More than the end of a relationship

Divorce can feel especially overwhelming because it isn’t simply the end of a relationship. It’s also the loss of an entire way of life, with two lives having become deeply intertwined over many years.

Interestingly, throughout my work, I’ve met several people who were the ones to initiate the divorce for a variety of reasons. While many initially felt a sense of relief or even excitement about the future, they often experienced the same grief as the partner who hadn’t chosen the separation!

Their emotions were also intensified by feelings of guilt over hurting their former partner or dismantling their family; questioned whether they had made the right decision or self-doubt. Choosing to end a marriage doesn’t necessarily lessen its emotional impact.

Alongside grief, people are frequently coping with legal proceedings, financial concerns, changes to parenting arrangements, selling the family home, shifts in friendships and uncertainty about the future.

Many also experience an unexpected loss of identity. For years, you may have thought of yourself as part of a couple. Suddenly, you’re making decisions alone, redefining who you are as an individual and trying to imagine a future that looks very different from the one you had planned.

The relief will come eventually, but having structure is what helps you get through this.

 

Five science-backed ways to support recovery

While there isn’t a shortcut through grief, research suggests several practical strategies that can help.

  1. Emotional Release

 

Creative expression is a powerful way to process emotional pain. Writing a letter to your ex can be especially effective (important: this letter is for you only – never send it to your ex, that is not the aim). I recommend writing it by hand because an email or a text can easily be sent by mistake or in the heat of the moment. Write a new letter every week and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice the transformation and your negative emotions dissipating over time.

  1. Physical Activity

This is not about fitness, which is probably not high on your list of priorities during a breakup. In this case, it’s mental first aid.

High energy exercise reduces stress hormones, increases mood-enhancing neurochemicals and helps rebuild confidence gradually. Even walking can make a difference. Group activities such as gym sessions, running or swimming classes can keep you motivated and provide accountability and a sense of connection.

  1. Remove Triggers

Once the initial shock has passed, reducing exposure to emotional triggers becomes important. This may include removing photos, gifts and other reminders from your home and messages from your phone / PC.

This is not denial. You will be thinking about them anyway, so give yourself at least some breathing space by reducing the frequency instead of being immersed all the time. Sleeping in your ex-partner’s shirt might feel comforting, but in reality you’re just “getting a fix,” like an addict, which only delays your healing.

  1. Emotional Regulation Coaching

Stabilising your nervous system is essential during divorce. Simple grounding techniques can help, such as breathing slowly in for four seconds and out for six, as well as meditation. Also, grounding through senses: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste – to anchor yourself in the present moment.

Cognitive reframing is powerful, for example: catch a negative thought, such as “I’m unlovable” and replace it with a positive statement: “I’m experiencing withdrawal; this will pass” or similar.

  1. Reassign Blame

A key step in processing your emotional baggage is shifting how you interpret the relationship and its ending. Instead of blaming yourself or your ex, reframe the situation in more neutral terms: “We wanted different things” or “We were too young” etc.

Not all  marriages survive – and it’s never a failure. Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves and the world  if we’re willing to learn from it.

Looking ahead

I’ve worked with many divorcing clients who believed they would never feel joy again. At the time, they genuinely believe it. I also have the privilege of watching what happens next.

It’s great to see how over time, the colour returns to their faces, the liveliness to their voices, energy comes back and curiosity reappears.

Healing is not linear, and it’s not instant, but it’s predictable when supported properly. With the right mix of science-backed tools and compassionate support, your system will settle, your mind will clear and your heart can open again without fear.

Read more articles from Mila Smith

About Mila Smith

With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship. ​​

​​If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships

Do you want to do it right this time round and find love that feels like home? Now, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. There is a clear, science-backed way forward and we’re here to guide you through it.​​​​ Read more if you want to take charge of your love life.

I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, HELLO!, Yahoo, BBC The Late Show, Newsweek and many other outlets. Click to check out my media coverage.​​​

Let’s talk! Call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

Follow on Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

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How Your Relationships Shape Your Child’s Future Relationships

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Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

Have you ever considered that your romantic relationship(s) affect more than just you and your partner? It’s also the foundation of your children’s future relationships. It all starts with you. No pressure.

It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I realised just how much my divorced parents’ relationship, and the way they conducted themselves, had shaped my own.

When I left home at a young age, I carried with me a tangled mix of beliefs, vague notions and misconceptions about relationships. It was a real cocktail: quotes about love from classic literature; passing judgements from my psychiatrist father; contradicting advice from my mother; a scattering of real-life experiences, various scenes from romcoms and dramas…

And of course, I was a product of modelling – which is the process by which individuals learn, observe and imitate behaviours, emotional responses and communication styles from their parents.

It’s astonishing how many unrealistic expectations, myths and destructive tendencies we often inherit from home. It took me almost two decades of trial and error to sort fact from fiction. The good news is, we now have science and research to guide us.

As parents, we naturally try to protect our children, drawing on both our positive and negative experiences. Yet, all too often, we sabotage their chances of happiness by imposing our own expectations and fears, which may not apply to them at all.

Children copy most things, including your relationship style, whether you’re together or apart.

Even when they become teenagers and appear to reject everything you say, their brains are still recording. We influence them more than we realise.

If yelling, slamming doors or giving the silent treatment is the norm, your children will assume this is acceptable behaviour.If gratitude is never expressed and parents take each other for granted, that is the model your children are likely to adopt.

If you and your partner never offer praise or compliments, they may grow up thinking that’s normal too.

Personally, I grew up in an environment where praise and expressions of love were rare and modest, but where negativity was exaggerated, and conflict handled in a destructive way. As a child, I just assumed that’s how it was supposed to be, and without realising it, carried some of these patterns into my first serious relationship. It didn’t last for many reasons, but it taught me some valuable lessons, which I now know, are also backed by science.

Three key things to consider about how your relationships impact your children’s future relationships.

 

  1. Sort yourself out first – address your emotional baggage.

Sadness, bitterness and pain from past relationship(s), divorce or other experiences, ideally, need to be addressed before you pass any ideas on to the next generation.

Your personal experiences and expectations are your own; you can share them with your children, but they shouldn’t be treated as unquestionable truth because they will impact their future.

Do you find yourself dispensing advice, like: “Men are only after one thing”?

Or, “Beware, women can take your freedom, your sanity, and even your bank balance”…

Sweeping statements like this clearly show that you have been hurt and are still carrying a lot of emotional baggage. It’s never too late to review your emotional baggage, relationship patterns and unhealthy habits.

  1. Don’t try to shield your children from absolutely everything.

When children ask what is going on, how much something costs and so on, we often say: “It doesn’t matter” or “Not your concern.” Of course, they don’t need every detail of your life, but it’s valuable for them to understand how things work: how bills are paid, how a mortgage works – and yes, how a divorce is going to affect your current set-up.

The same applies to disagreements. Children need to see that adults can argue without it being a catastrophe or a taboo. According to one of the world’s most renowned relationship experts:

“There’s a common misconception that fighting should be done behind closed doors, but you need to have conflict in front of your child if you want them to have happy, healthy relationships.” *

It flips on its head what you’ve been hearing your entire life! Why?

“If your kids don’t see you having conflict and handling it constructively, they may grow up thinking that people who love each other don’t disagree or have conflict” *

Which wouldn’t be true, and we’d just furnish them with yet another misconception about relationships. Even when a marriage ends, your relationship still carries on, admittedly, in a very different form – and it’s just as important to be able to deal with conflict constructively.

  1. Understand that disagreements aren’t always about one person being right and the other wrong.

It’s not “my way or the highway.” Even in great, loving relationships, people disagree on important issues; they may have different views and opinions. The key is to handle those moments with grace and respect.

It’s not the amount of conflict that matters, but how you resolve it. Many relationship researchers see conflict as an opportunity for greater mutual understanding, rather than a sign of failure.

That said, both parties need to practise skills such as listening, managing disagreements respectfully, and avoiding big discussions in the heat of the moment.

If necessary, ask for a time-out, take a breath, and return to the conversation in 30-60 minutes. Listen without interrupting, focus on finding solutions and avoid rehashing every mistake they made since the dawn of time. Instead, try to discuss one issue at a time, and then agree to address other issues another time if you must stop.

“It is vital for your child’s relationship and health that you model healthy ways to deal with stress and conflict”. *

Sometimes, adults disagree and debate things, which is completely normal as people can’t agree all the time. However, we can discuss it in a civilised manner and find a solution together. This is a much better message.

Whatever your children’s age let’s not dismiss them by telling them it’s “none of their business”. Start today by being the kind of role model for relationships you hope your children will one day enjoy. Reflect on your habits and patterns, open healthy conversations and handle disagreements with respect, whether you’re in a relationship or divorced / separated.

And if you’re on the other side of divorce and ready for your next love story, seize the chance to start with a clean slate, make intentional choices and create a happier life for both you and your children. You might find this useful: check out my blog about dating as a single parent.

Get in touch today – click here to arrange a free, confidential consultation.

* Terry Orbuch, PhD, Secrets to Surviving Your Children’s Love Relationships.

About Mila Smith

With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship. ​​

​​If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships

Do you want to do it right this time round and find love that feels like home? Now, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. There is a clear, science-backed way forward and we’re here to guide you through it.​​​​ Read more if you want to take charge of your love life.

I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, HELLO!, Yahoo, BBC The Late Show, Newsweek and many other outlets. Click to check out my media coverage.​​​

Let’s talk! Call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

You might be interested in

Dating After Divorce: Are You Ready?
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Dating After Divorce: Are You Ready?

Published on
Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

Love rarely follows a straight line. Relationships end, new ones begin – it’s a natural, ongoing cycle. If you’re thinking about taking the plunge and giving love another shot, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Let’s Talk About Divorce – and Why It’s Not a Failure

We tend to idealise lifelong marriage… In reality, it can be hard to achieve and it’s not for everyone.

In fact, research shows that serial bonding – forming long-term relationships for several years before moving on to new partners – used to be the norm for millions of years. According to evolutionary theorists, it was beneficial for genetic variety.

It’s highly likely that permanent monogamy became the rule when humans began farming and settling down. Staying with one partner became a practical arrangement tied to land, property and survival.

Today’s evolving gender dynamics and relationship patterns aren’t necessarily new. In a way, some of them are a return to ancient norms. I believe we’re very lucky indeed. For the first time in history, we have the freedom to pursue the kind of relationships we want without fear of judgment.

If you’re carrying scars from your past relationship, know this: divorce is not a failure, for the reasons explained above.

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

This well-known quote is often attributed to Oscar Wilde, and sometimes Samuel Johnson:

It’s funny – because it’s true… but only when we fail to learn from the past and keep making the same mistakes.

Sometimes, people do try to learn – but draw the wrong conclusions. For instance, someone may swear off a particular “type” because their ex had certain traits or attributes, even though those traits may not have caused the breakup at all. In psychology, this is called direct reinforcement, and it doesn’t always serve us well (read more here).

Choosing the opposite of your ex is a simplistic approach and not always a wise or strategic move. It’s important to understand what led to the relationship demise, and which attributes made you happy.

One thing’s for sure: humans are serial monogamists. We must be eternal optimists because when a bond ends, sooner or later we find ourselves longing for connection again and searching for a new mate.

“Call it what you will, the human penchant to divorce and form a new bond with another is worldwide,” writes Helen Fisher, PhD in her Anatomy of Love.

Tips for Dating and Re-partnering Success

Many of us secretly find rules and formulas comforting as they tend to explain the world in a structured way. Take various rules around dating….

How soon should you start dating after a significant breakup or a divorce? There are several urban myths, for example, a persistent belief you must wait a month for every year you were in the relationship before considering another one.

But then, other people will tell you the best way to heal and get over someone is to start dating and find a distraction!

The truth is, according to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you have to wait before dating again. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind.

If you spent years in a “dead” relationship, you could be already emotionally prepared to move on. Whereas, if your previous relationship ended abruptly, you’re likely to need more time to process and heal, which can be a few weeks, a few months, or for some, even a few years.

The longevity guidelines don’t apply here – but this self-assessment will help you understand if you’re ready.

5 Signs You’re Ready to Date After Divorce

  1. You no longer feel much towards your ex

This includes both positive and negative attitudes. You may think if you hate your ex, then you’re ready to move on because you’re clearly no longer in love with them. However, hate is another strong emotion, which will inevitably interfere with your dating journey and any future relationship.

The key motivation to let go of your anger is your own wellbeing. Avoid getting stuck in a negative space as it affects all areas of your life, including your health.

Plus, obvious bitterness towards your ex-partner is not an attractive look in the eyes of your potential dates. I hear many clients complain about dating men or women who just want to “rant” and berate their exes incessantly.

Conversely, are you still pining for your ex and compare everyone you meet with them? Another sign you need to work through your emotions before attempting to date again.

We all have some good memories of our past relationships and can’t wipe our memory clean. Remembering those moments fondly is only natural, but try to think of them as events which happened to you as an individual – not necessarily courtesy of your ex.

Can you detach your memories from your feelings for that person?

Your aim is to feel neutral towards your ex no matter how good or bad your relationship was, or how it ended. There are methods and exercises to help with this, so if you are struggling, please contact me for support.

  1. You can see your past objectively

Too many people skip this step because it’s very easy to find someone to blame for your past misfortunes. Some people blame themselves, most blame their ex-partner, ex in-laws etc. Try to look at your patterns objectively.

Did you rush into a relationship and ignore the red flags?

Did you choose to see only what you wanted to see?

Perhaps, you were the one who was unreasonable towards your spouse? This can be hard to admit, but do it for yourself to be able to moderate your behaviour going forward – it’s not a public disclosure.

Either way, try to forgive yourself, your ex and “file” the information for future use. Experience is invaluable – this is the best thing about mistakes turned into life lessons.

Taking a critical look at your past relationship patterns will really help you minimise potential stress and find a shortcut to happiness (read more here).

  1. You can identify your new relationship goals and needs

The emphasis is on “new” because your goals are likely to evolve and change throughout your life, especially following a divorce. Don’t assume you’re just going to pick it up where you left it before you got involved with your previous partner.

Chances are, you also changed on your journey, so think about your current goals, and what you want from life in general. Only then can you identify your new relationship goal (be it marriage or a more casual arrangement) and what you need from a potential partner.

Be very specific! It’s astounding how many people are oblivious to their own needs. By default, we assume we understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we need. However, we often learn the hard way and discover we might have been taken by various love and relationship myths and cliches planted in our heads by parents, mass media or religion.

Forget everyone else’s expectations. What do you want and need? If you don’t understand your goals or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them?

  1. You are ready to trust someone

According to science, most people have a default to truth: our operating assumption is that the people we’re dealing with are honest.

This is known as TDT (the Truth-Default Theory). Apparently, most of us are much better than chance at identifying people telling the truth, and much worse at correctly identifying liars (especially, convincing liars). This is not necessarily a weakness but just part of being human which allows social groups, communities, and civilizations to exist and develop successfully. Otherwise, we’d always be pulled apart by suspicion and doubt.

Having said that, anyone who’d been hurt in a relationship tends to have their faith in people shaken and left with general mistrust. Understandably so!

However, harbouring mistrust towards all other men or women is not the answer. Fortunately, the world is full of genuine single people, like you, who want to share, commit and trust again.

Will you be able to give them a chance and trust again? You can do so in a safe manner, being cautious and taking things slow. Time is your real ally. No one is suggesting life-changing decisions after a few weeks or months of romance.

If you feel you can be open, gradually share personal information with someone and, in turn, accept the same from them – that is one of the reliable signs you’re ready to date again.

  1. You’re ready to care about someone

Undoubtedly, a relationship is a two-way street. Dating is a path towards a relationship, so it does require a degree of caring and emotional availability.

Are you open to having someone else’s best interests at heart? Do you think you’ll be prepared to care about them? See yourselves as a couple, in “we” rather than “I” terms, known as mutuality?

Again, some distance is only reasonable to begin with, but do ask yourself if there is, potentially, room in your heart for one special person.

If you’re still closed to the idea of caring about someone and sharing your life with them, try to tread carefully. Put yourself in other people’s shoes: what if they happen to be ahead of you on their journey. If they fall for you, they could be hurt by your reluctance to commit further.

You see, frustration is often the main cause of relationship trouble: when hopes and expectations do not match reality. This can be pre-empted by having a sincere conversation early on.

Explain your situation (for example, a traumatic divorce or concerns about your children) and the fact you may need more time to progress to the next level in a new relationship. Most people will find honesty disarming. And if it’s too much to ask, they’ll carry on their separate way, which is only fair.

 

The Evolving Landscape of Re-Partnering

Researchers find that re-partnering has become more complex and harder to track. Many people now choose not to remarry, opting instead for long-term partnerships or living-apart-together arrangements where they remain committed but don’t cohabit.

The key takeaway, in my opinion? There’s no single “right” way to re-partner. What matters is that your new relationship is more intentional because hope is not a strategy. Happy, lasting partnerships rarely happen by chance.

Conclusion

Dating after divorce is not about a strict timeline or a set of rules. It’s about understanding and accepting your emotions, learning from your past, identifying your new goals and approaching new relationships with clarity and intention.

With the right knowledge, intention and support, you can build something better: a successful remarriage or re-partnering isn’t just possible, it’s within reach.

About Mila Smith

With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship. ​​

​​If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships

Do you want to do it right this time round and find love that feels like home? Now, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. There is a clear, science-backed way forward and we’re here to guide you through it.​​​​ Read more if you want to take charge of your love life.

I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, HELLO!, Yahoo, BBC The Late Show, Newsweek and many other outlets. Click to check out my media coverage.​​​

Let’s talk! Call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

Follow on Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

You might be interested in

Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash

5 Tips to Help You Cope with Separation or Divorce This Christmas

Published on
Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

And just like that, we have officially entered the pre-Christmas season once more. It may be the most wonderful time of the year for many, especially parents with younger children: a great opportunity to re-live the festive season through their eyes and feel the excitement again. However, for many divorced or separated people, it happens to be stressful and even traumatic.

The first Christmas following a separation, or a divorce can be brutal whether your breakup came as a welcome change or a shock. The blatantly obvious change in arrangements; the feeling of uncertainty; the sting of loneliness and possibly, anger and sadness at the same time. Does any of this sound familiar?

To add insult to injury, the shops are already full of ornaments, chocolates, and other Christmas paraphernalia along with images and videos of happy families in matching pyjamas which seem to be following you everywhere.

As a Relationship and Dating Coach, I am beginning to get more enquiries at this time. As a woman, I know exactly how it feels as years ago, I was a single mum with a questionable relationship track record. I used to think I was unlucky until I figured out it had very little to do with luck and everything to do with my choices.

If you’re separated or divorced, and Christmas is mainly filling you with dread this year, rather than cheer, refuse to be defeated and take charge with these tips to help you navigate the festive season.

1. Family

Families can be a great source of support, so if you’re fortunate enough to have reassuring and tactful parents, siblings, and extended family, that’s great! However, let’s face it, some families just seem to put you under (even more) pressure and insist on “picking at the scab”.

In this case, there is a radical solution: don’t spend Christmas with your family even if it’s a life-long tradition. Your mental health is more important, so beg forgiveness and insist you must make an exception this year.

Think of the best alternative, which is going to make you happy, be it a trip somewhere completely different, visiting friends, or even being on your own. We live in a rather fast-paced environment and seldom stop to check-in with ourselves especially if we’re juggling a career and a family. Why not use the opportunity and have some quiet time doing something you love, recuperating, reconnecting with yourself and planning your future? However, avoid social media, as the distorted picture of happiness will only torment you when you’re already feeling low.

2. Friends

When you spend years as a couple, quite often you end up divorcing some mutual friends along with your ex-partner. Even worse, some of your personal married friends might turn their back on you because deep inside they see any single person as a potential threat. You’re probably, quite rightly, thinking you’re not just any single person but their friend…

Sadly, it happens: fear overrules compassion in some people, especially if they’re feeling insecure in their own relationship. Perhaps, they weren’t your true friends to begin with, which is now obvious as you’ve become “inconvenient”. You can start building a new circle of friends: look up local book or activity clubs, business or single parent groups, whatever fits.

3. Children

Children are typically resilient, and it’s virtually impossible to shelter them from all negativity in life, so give yourself a break. Research shows that a bad marriage or a combative relationship is worse for kids than a divorce. They are likely to cope better if you avoid highlighting what a tragedy it is. Whilst a divorce is unpleasant and should only be the last resort, we can’t ignore the fact many families fall apart. Unfortunately, it’s one of those difficult parts of being human, like illness and death. It’s more important to try and keep your breakup as amicable as possible.

We’re a blended family surrounded by other multiple blended families and many children brought up by single/separated parents. In my experience, even if you don’t normalise it, the kids will do it anyway. They all talk about splitting time between their parents and step-parents in a very light-hearted manner; and step-brothers or step-sisters soon are referred to as “brothers” and “sisters” which is quite heart-warming.

Having said that, I appreciate it can be hard to put on a brave face when you’re feeling broken inside. We’re getting to that.

4. Emotional release

Think of a creative activity which may help you release your emotions: perhaps, painting, making something or writing. Writing a letter to your ex-partner is a particularly good way of releasing unwanted emotions. However, DO NOT send it – it’s for your eyes only. I recommend a handwritten letter because an email or a text message can easily be sent by mistake or in the heat of the moment. Admit anger or guilt or whatever you’re feeling; explain why you’re feeling that way and how your former partner affected your life.

Write a new letter every week or every month, depending on the intensity of your feelings, and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice the transformation and your negative emotions dissipating over time. Contact a certified professional if you’re struggling and need help dealing with your emotional baggage.

5. Physical activity

If you exercise regularly and play sports already, consider doing more. If you don’t, now is the best time to start. Stop looking for excuses to delay until the new year! I can’t stress enough how important high-energy exercise is for releasing your emotions. It will decrease the stress hormones and increase your body’s “feel good” hormones giving you an instant boost in your mood. Improving your fitness level will also gradually increase your confidence.

If you have some underlying health issues, ask your doctor for a recommended exercise routine – even walking can help. On the other hand, joining a local gym, fitness, running or swimming classes would be ideal to keep you motivated as part of a group.

Conclusion

Try not to worry about those happy couples or “perfect families” in matching pyjamas. It’s mainly marketing as various businesses are using the occasion to make money (fair enough)! Just stay off social media and TV if you need to avoid those triggers.

As you’re well aware, you’re definitely not the only single person in town. I’m convinced, somewhere (could be just around the corner) there is a single man or a woman who is perfect for you. According to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you must wait before dating after a breakup or a divorce. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind. Read my blog to discover sure signs you’re ready to date again and other useful articles. However, if you’re happier being single for the time being – so be it; enjoy and don’t succumb to any outside pressure.

Good luck!

About Mila Smith

After 25 years in the corporate world, I decided to dedicate my time to the field about which I’m absolutely passionate: helping women and men, as a certified Relationship & Dating Coach, find the love they deserve and discover how to build great relationships.

Trained by one of the world’s leading relationship experts, I use proven science based methods which work no matter how many times you failed in the past.

If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. When it comes to relationships and dating, you can enlist the same kind of help.

Remember, the best time to work on a relationship is before it begins! I can help you heal, feel excited about love again, identify your ideal partner and bring out the best version of you in the process. Read more if you want to take charge of your love life: www.single-to-couple.com/relationshipcoach

Let’s discuss: call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

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