Linda Simpson

Reassess – Reset – Reaffirm

Opportunity is the keyword as you reassess your life. The overwhelming feeling of loss that has been your constant companion needs to be put in the background. Replace that loss with anticipation for the future. You are now in a place to assess. What is working? Reset what is not working and begin to make changes. Reaffirm what thinking fills you with anticipation and excitement. How you think affects what you think. Channel your thinking to positive thoughts in every aspect of your life.

It only takes a moment to shift your thinking. Be mindful of your thoughts. Pause when they drift to the negative. Intentionally choose positive thoughts and feel the energy.

A Word About Pace

It is good to commit to change but pacing our gusto for change is important. Living in this instant world of the 21st Century we can forget that life changes are not like looking at your phone and googling an answer to a question.

Be thoughtful about what is most important for you to change. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Doing that gives you a much greater chance of success.

Begin to visualize the balance in your life. Draw a circle or square and divide it into parts that represent your evaluation of time spent with family, work, and relationships. What does this tell you about the balance in your life?

Life in Three Parts

Acknowledge what you are doing well in each area -home, work, relationships. Separation and divorce bruise our self -confidence so it is time for a reset by celebrating who we are and what we do well. It is easy to tell ourselves we have failed when a marriage ends. It is also easy to take the blame. Those ‘if only I’d been better at” thoughts need to be filed away permanently.

Looking back should be done sparingly and looking forward done repeatedly. Identify one achievable goal for each part of your life. Give yourself a timeline to meet the goal and identify steps to get there.

As you review these areas of your life and set goals, make balance, change, and growth your focus. Feeling overwhelmed has likely been a constant companion through the separation and divorce. You want and need to feel confident that you can reach your chosen goals. So, give yourself time and space to reflect and determine the path.

Nature has a way of taking us into a meditative place. Take some time in nature and focus your thoughts on those three areas of life. Put a small journal in your backpack and head out. Leave the earbuds at home and, instead, listen to nature’s song. Look up and around. This is your time to let nature work its wonders and for you to begin to build energy for the future with your hopes and dreams.

In this age of the influencer, we can spend too much time thinking and worrying about what other people might think of us, our lives, and our decisions. The truth is that all those people are usually more concerned about their own lives. Do not let that worry impede the personal decision-making process as you build your future.

Opportunities

Part of the post-divorce phase is recognizing opportunities in all aspects of our lives because now we have the autonomy to make changes. We also need to recognize that sometimes opportunity is not completely obvious.

Recall the number of times you have said you were so glad you did something you were less than keen to do because it opened an opportunity. Often these opportunities are a leap of faith because we cannot anticipate the exact outcome.

A work-life example would be considering a professional development opportunity. Like-minded people are at these workshops. You meet someone and it might open a new door.

Family life has been upended by the change. Rather than looking at what has been lost, look at ways this has created opportunities to enable you to do things your way. Going forward accentuate the positive.

Are there family traditions or daily habits that need a refresh? These do not have to be big changes because your children are dealing with lots of changes. It could be a slight tweak, even a special question asked at mealtime that brings you together around the table. Mealtime can be a very healing time for a family.

Think of things you would like to have done as a family and did not because your spouse was not keen. Now do it—whatever it is and enjoy.

It is a fact that some friendships and relationships with extended family do not make it through separation and divorce. The world is filled with billions of people and every day is an opportunity to meet someone new.

One good friend of mine I met in the reference section of a bookstore. There are only a few people who beat a path to the reference section of a bookstore. One day I said hello to the one other person there and it turned out we were both writers. We talked about our love of writing and books. Then we arranged a lunch and today I have this valued friend in my life because I started a conversation with a stranger. Those opportunities exist for us every day.

Old friendships have their lustre, but newer friendships bring with them no connection to the past. Welcome them into your new life.

Reaffirm your capacity to be creative, inventive, independent, and resourceful. Your life has a new perspective. Thinking in original and creative ways will take you down new paths. Feel stronger and more capable with every step you take into your future.

Next Time: Priorities and Maintaining Balance

Click here to read more articles by Linda Simpson

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years of surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

This is the 5^th instalment in a series I have written for The Divorce Magazine UK. These articles give you the tools to use the social-emotional learning principles of self-awareness, self-management, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and social awareness as a path forward when navigating separation and divorce.

Divorce brings with it a whole new set of skills waiting to be learned. Our personal life changes but our social interactions will evolve too. Social awareness for family, friends, and work colleagues uses empathy and compassion to help build our new lives.

Let us focus on all the people in our life who are affected by your divorce.

The impact of divorce is far-reaching. We, who are the divorcing partners can become hyper-focused on ourselves but there are many people in our orbit that are affected and are invested in us.

Perhaps the closest to you and the most vulnerable are the children of divorce. They are experiencing one of their worst nightmares. Every child, at some point, worries their parents will eventually get divorced. Children often blame themselves. They think that if they had been better behaved or had not done a particular thing or did some other thing better then this would never have happened to their family.

It is important to assure your children, during appropriate moments, that it is not their fault. How do you do that?

Children need to feel safe and secure talking about their parents during this time. They need to feel sheltered voicing their opinions and feelings with openness and honestly. Everyone is dealing with anger, frustration, hurt, worry, and fear about the future. It is an emotionally charged time in a family and being the adult, despite your own vulnerability, is very important.

The most productive tactic in all of this requires active listening. What is that?

Active listening is the opposite of passive listening when we might be doing something else, scrolling our phone perhaps, and half- listening to the person. It means putting aside the attention temptation and making eye contact. It means concentrating on what it is being said. It means observing body language and understanding the nuances of the messages given not only by their words but by their body language too.

When a child is watching their parent’s marriage derail, their level of trust in the world is derailed too. Family life means security. When that life is upended insecurity follows. Active listening can help restore their level of trust. It is also a way to be empathetic with your children.

They might say hurtful things to you in the heat of the moment. The wronged partner wants everyone to see it their way but there are shades of anger and shades of understanding. There is a chance your children will criticize you. Without being reactive, take those criticisms and think about them in a quiet moment. Take time to consider the merit of what was said and park the emotion. The words may be raw, but the observations might have a degree of accuracy.

As a parent, it is important to try to see your divorce from your child’s perspective. Unless there have been extreme family circumstances, children love both their parents. When they make positive comments about the other parent it is far better to say nothing than to attempt to change their mind. Children are smart and if there are lessons to be learned about flaws in either parent’s character, chances are that will happen.

Another quite common aspect of children in divorce is that there is a tendency to use them as a go-between. Children can be desperate to please during divorce so be mindful of their vulnerabilities and try to not play into them.

Pumping them for information when they have visited the other parent happens. But it is in everyone’s best interests to limit the amount of time spent engaged in this behaviour. It puts enormous pressure on your children when they are trying to adjust to the new normal of family life. Encourage them to be proactive and remind whichever parent if the conversation heads in that direction.

A tendency that can play out is to expect your children to act as your friend and confidante. You have friends in your life for that. Be the parent they need.

To see the leaving parent will require effort. Family routines, special traditions that were shared all together and many family patterns will be reshaped. Allow for some flexibility as you find a path to your new future as a family.

Next are the extended family members. Siblings, aunts, uncles, and in-laws are all impacted by the divorce. There may be some in-laws you are close with and how you proceed with them is a delicate matter. Some may not want to have any type of friendship and that will require space. They may change their minds at some point in the future but for right now, you must respect their position.

Just like your children, it is not a good idea to enlist siblings or parents to carry stories back and forth. They can be part of your support network but leaning on them too hard can cause a strain in the relationship. Appreciate their part in your divorce recovery.

Nobody in our lives feels the impact of the divorce quite like the divorcing partners. It is important to remember that.

Even your closest confidantes will need a break from discussing the divorce. There will be people we lean on through the divorce process. To maintain those relationships, we need to nurture them and show gratitude. All the kind and caring people who support us have limits and we need to be mindful of their emotional needs as well. We do that, in part, by getting outside our introspection and being socially aware. It is important to be empathetic with family and friends as they support you through the process.

As your life moves forward and you make new friends and find yourself in new situations, social awareness comes into play too.

You do not want your divorce to become who you are. We have all known people who talk about their divorce like it happened yesterday when in fact it could be twenty years ago. You want to get better, not bitter.

You do that by taking charge of this new life. No longer having to compromise ideas and plans, you can now make your own decisions. What have you wanted to do but felt restricted by your marriage? Do it.

Begin to plan to make these dreams come true. It is an opportunity to become someone other than a divorced person. See yourself as single. Being a divorced person can be stigmatizing.

In new social settings listen to the conversation. Taking every opportunity to talk about other things helps you become more than your divorce.

Consider these social skills using social-emotional learning as you renew and build solid connections with your closest and newest friends. Move past the divorce to the future you.

Click here for parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 of Linda’s Guides to Divorce Recovery with Social-Emotional Learning

Click here for more articles from Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Now is the time to assess and celebrate your relationship skills. Why?

Divorce always comes with a cost to our self-worth and self-esteem. You have no doubt heard a litany of your perceived personal flaws. It is time to reclaim the real you. Reaching out to others in a meaningful way will only happen if feel good about yourself.

Celebrate who you are and be your own best friend.

You can begin to fill that space left by divorce with new and renewed relationships. The starting point is with the most important relationship in life -the one we have with ourselves.

Where do you begin?

Take a good look inward. Your world and your sense of security have been compromised in the divorce process. As with any relationship, it may seem a bit daunting at first to like who you are. I know from personal experience how challenging it is to get out from under the personal criticisms of a former spouse. Start right now and be the best friend you can be to –yourself.

The very same skills required to relate to others are the same ones needed as you redefine and nurture your inner self.

Take out your journal and celebrate who you are.

What do you like about yourself?

List all your best people skills. Good listener? Empathetic? Honest?

Reflect on how those skills make you your own best friend.

Do you listen to that inner voice? Often what our intuition is saying is not what we want to hear but is the right answer.

Every friendship requires caring about the other. Do you care about yourself? Are there ways to improve that self -care?

Remember that a healthy lifestyle will help improve your mood. Going to an exercise class, planning a great meal and some mindfulness techniques at the end of the day to help with a good sleep are all steps on the path to your tomorrow.

Give yourself permission to feel happy again. Divorce and feeling sad go together. Now it is time to let happiness filter into your life. We know that positive thoughts and words have a positive effect on our body.

It is an enormous task to let go of those negative thoughts but every time you turn a negative thought into a positive, claim a victory in your recovery.

Have a repertoire of positive ideas ready. Make a Gratitude Jar. Every day, put something in your Gratitude Jar. Listing all the positive things in your life is time well spent. Plan for the weekend, or cook a favourite recipe, go to a yoga class, or take a hike in nature.

The more you change that negative to positive, you will notice that it gets easier. This is how you become your own best friend.

If you have children, whatever their age, they have experienced the trauma of the divorce in their own way. They need your love, support, and encouragement. Be mindful of oversharing and using them as a go between. It happens but try to minimize the negative.

Those tactics do not work in any relationship because that is using negative power.

We do make mistakes, with ourselves and others, as we navigate that initial time post divorce. Own those mistakes, be honest with yourself and carry on. Focus on new traditions and make the effort to fill the gap left by your former spouse. Talk to your children and most important actively listen when they talk to you. Be their best friend too.

Now look at the broader picture and consider your circle of friends. Losing friends happens with divorce. Focus on the ones who are present in your life.

How do you value them?

Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship. You will have friends that are a major factor in your divorce recovery. You will lean on some friends quite heavily. Always check in with how they are feeling about your conversations.

Divorce has an insatiable appetite for attention.

You will be surprised at how good you feel talking about other things with your friends. During divorce recovery, it is time to discover everything else you have missed while going through your divorce.

Honesty is key with family and friends. Pretense is just that, pretense. Do not pretend you are OK if you are not. However, it is also important to not use that as a crutch and negative power over others. Be aware of any tendency to overshare with family or friends. Relationships are a two-way street. They are helping you through your divorce recovery and you must remember to appreciate them.

Co-workers and people outside your immediate circle will be sympathetic for a time but be mindful of their investment in your life. Acquaintances will not feel the same degree of emotion as close friends do.

Occasionally step back. Have you talked too much about the divorce at work and not enough about other topics? Talking about other things with these people is helpful because, for one, for everyone, it is a relief from the topic of divorce.

This is also a good time to make new friends. There are many ways to do this in today’s world. It can be daunting and will require initial effort on your part. Treat it like a journey and not a destination. Take it one step at a time outside your comfort zone. Say yes to invitations. Every new relationship experience is one step closer to your future.

And be mindful that no matter what you do, there will still be lonely times. Accept that, while believing those feelings will pass.

Practicing these relationship skills with yourself and others will help put you on the road to divorce recovery. Be real, be kind, be interested in others, be honest and be the best you can be, and your future will find you.

Click here for parts 1, 2 and 3 of Linda’s Guides to Divorce Recovery with Social-Emotional Learning

Click here for more articles from Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

He’s rewritten history. He had the affair. He left our family. I had to pick up the pieces and hold the family together. He spent years living very independently from his family with little contact with our children. Now with our adult children and grandchildren, he makes occasional appearances in their lives.

He is trying to tell our adult children that he ‘has no knowledge” of the actual events leading to the divorce. The whole story has changed in his head. It was my fault. I forced him out of the marriage. He didn’t get involved with someone else until after he left. None of that is true. My adult children know that is not true and yet he tried to lie to them. When they challenged him with the truth he backed down and said he was lying without offering any explanation. Why would he do that?  How can he do that? What is the point of confusing the issue now?

You cannot change his thinking. Start at that point. Anything you say will not change it. He has developed a revisionist family history as many do to create themselves as the victim. It suppresses any guilt that may have built over the years. Chances are he is surrounded by people who believe what he says. Those people are in his circle of friends and support him.

Truly many people have their own life to deal with and care little whether your former spouse is lying about this or not. His friends are probably not greatly invested in the true divorce story. It all happened several years ago, and they have spent many years listening to his version. It has become the truth in their minds too.

As time has gone by, the people in his life believe his revisionist story because they will have heard the reasoning so many times. Stories like that get polished over time as each seed of doubt about you was planted. Nobody challenged him so the story grew. The real story got lost in the annals of history and his version of the story becomes the truth. You are no longer in his world so you couldn’t defend yourself.

Externalizing the blame is a common defense mechanism. If he blames you for the fact he left his family then that absolves him. It happens in many divorces.

Those are the facts. What can you do?

Without being defensive yourself, remind your children of what really happened. They lived it and there should be enough collective memory to correct his revisionist history, at least for your own family. Your children have probably been through enough pain in the past, don’t let it consume the present.

Beyond that, you will just have to let it go. He will say and do whatever he wants. Lashing out will only make matters worse. Unfortunately, by being defensive and angry, you will look like the person he has created to his friends if you get vindictive.

It is a fact that in many cases, no matter how hard we try to outrun the past, it has a way of showing up. You have spent many years creating a new life and this should not in any way hamper all the personal gains you have made.  The effort you make should continue to be on yourself. Your divorce will always be a part of who you are but its effect on your life should be minimal.

Venting with a good friend will help but telling the world won’t help. Most likely the people in your life have already lived it with you once. It is not that they don’t care about you, but life moves on.

Issues like this do open old wounds but only if we let them. Get on with your own life and let him live his-whatever revisionist version of his history he chooses. The people that matter will know the truth.

If you get angry then that is giving up your personal power to him again. It allows him to affect your emotions once more. Do not let that happen because you are the one that will suffer.

It will take a concerted effort to not be hyper-focused on the anger you feel. Shove those negative thoughts away. Think about other things. If anyone mentions it, give the topic very little airplay. Have an answer prepared that is not an angry response, briefly correct the lie, and then move on to something else.

By shifting the focus away from him and his revisionist history, everyone, including you, will benefit.

We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you – letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

More articles by Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

There are many truths that come with divorce proceedings.

One of them is that you will very quickly be thrust into a marathon of serious decision -making, some of which could impact the rest of your life. You need to clear your muddled head and think before you agree to anything.

Where do you begin?

Acknowledge that these decisions are important and will take time. If you have kept a journal through parts 1 and 2 of this recovery series, there will be questions for you to answer with this piece as well.

These decisions will impact you and the people you love. Do not let yourself be pressured into decisions but also do not use reluctance as power and control over the divorce proceedings because more tension is not helpful. Take time but do not use time to incite emotion. The goal is to keep moving forward and you do that by maintaining a steady pace.

Open mindedness, thinking creatively and communicating clearly will help you find your way through some of the difficult decisions that need to be made. They will also help you understand the implications of the decisions.

Open-mindedness may seem like an odd starting point, but it is particularly important in the overall outcome.

It means shedding the potent ‘get even’ attitude and looking at issues from everyone’s perspective. Open-mindedness involves active listening. You help your decision-making process by focusing on what is being said or offered and responding thoughtfully when negotiating. Really listen to the points being made and evaluate them as objectively as possible.

Journal Prompt: Are there any obstacles to being open minded? List them and the reasons why.

If you have children, this divorce is their worst nightmare come true and it is important to keep their feelings in mind as decisions are made. You both want what is best for your family. Being reasonable and open minded is a start.

Along with open mindedness, remember to consider your wants and needs. You may have lost a sense of self in the lead up to the divorce and now is the time to reclaim the ‘you’ that was neglected. Again, being mindful that this is not about ‘getting even’ or ‘keeping score’ but about healthy choices.

Journal Prompt: List everything you feel you need to satisfy your wishes for your future. Be honest but reasonable. If it is important then it is worth defending and you defend with well thought out reasons why.

Journal Prompt: Ask yourself “Why do I want this…? Or “Why do I not want this …?

Writing down your answers to the questions will help you be prepared for the negotiations.

To make these decisions you need all available information. This is not the time to withhold from each other. The best negotiations happen with a level playing field of trust. These are not one-sided decisions because there are two of you and each has an equal stake in the outcome.

Divorce usually goes hand in hand with some history of betrayal and lack of trust. Commit to each other that you will be forthright in this final stage of your marriage.  There has no doubt been enough game playing and harsh words to last a lifetime.

As you consider decisions try to project their impact on your future. Can you see where these decisions will take you in a year or five years? The emotion of the moment tends to make us think in the moment but some of these decisions will have lasting impact. Perhaps there is the possibility of revisiting some decisions in a year or so. Does it make sense to the people involved?

Journal Prompt: Write about where you see yourself in a few years. What are the decisions that will get you there?

Remember that this is all to make your future the best it can be. Decisions should be made with as much information as possible and the least amount of emotion. Doing that and you stand a good chance of benefiting from them for years to come.

Responsible decision-making means acknowledging your role in the decision. If you decide on something, then you owe it to yourself to ensure they are decisions that will work for -you.

There has probably been more hurt and anger than you ever imagined. The way to move beyond that is by being decisive and taking responsibility for the result.

Believe in yourself. No doubt your self-esteem has been knocked about in the lead up to the divorce. As difficult as it may be, believe you will succeed in making the right decisions at this time. Consider realistic goals and balance expectations. Do not overestimate or underestimate yourself. Believe you will succeed and have the future you want.

Journal prompt: Make a list of all the reasons why you can make the right decisions. It is time to appreciate your qualities of decision -making.

Remember that you can take a reasonable time out from decisions. The whole divorce process is overwhelming and making important decisions for your future is a huge responsibility. If you need time, do not hesitate to take the time. Do not use time to create any more hostility. If you need a few days or a week or more then take it but be reasonable.

It is probably the biggest expectation of all to sideline emotion at such a difficult time. If you can control your emotion, it is in your best interest to do so. If you make caring and constructive choices, then you and everyone you love will benefit for years to come.

Self-Management

You probably did not know you could feel such rage. I certainly did not. Secrets and lies are almost always central to a divorce. That loss of control over our personal life leaves us crushed, defeated and angry.

Not only is there rage toward our former partner but often debilitating rage against ourselves. We trusted and believed in this person, loved this person, and our self-confidence is shattered.

The rage serves a purpose for a while as it propels us forward, but eventually, it is wearing on our family and friends and can affect our own health.

The next part of social-emotional learning -self -management- will allow you to focus on anger management because to reclaim your life you need to reclaim emotional control.  It also includes managing stress which is a big driver of your divorce anger.

In this part of the series, you want to work toward controlling your impulse to flare up in anger and manage your anger in a healthy way.  We will first shift the focus inward to identify the root of your anger before you explode and learn some strategies for managing the anger reaction.

What is anger in divorce recovery?

Anger is a normal human response but left unchecked it can undermine our lives. Going through a divorce there is good reason to be angry. A future uprooted, betrayal of trust, and self blame are just some of the reasons for anger. It becomes a problem when anger controls us, and we lose the capacity to control it. Anger at your former spouse can become addicting as you replay all the wrongs in your head over and over.

That is just not healthy. The path forward requires you to reclaim yourself and your goals.

Why does understanding what makes you angry help in divorce recovery?

Understanding what makes you angry is the first step to controlling your anger. There is more to it than your former spouse driving this anger. Your life has been upended by the divorce. People you once thought were friends or family may have stepped back from your life. You may feel alone and abandoned as a result. Identifying all the reasons you are angry is the first step in taking back your personal control.

It is time to take out your Divorce Recovery Journal. We will explore what makes you angry and how you manage it.

Divorce Triggers

Our reasons for getting angry are called triggers. These triggers can be thoughts around the betrayal and deception you experienced or your fear about the future. Possibly you feel a sense of abandonment or you may feel embarrassed. Embarrassment was a big driver in my anger. Perhaps it is a sense of powerlessness because your former spouse may have spread lies about you to justify their actions. Again, I know that reality. The result is that you may feel helpless, frustrated and- angry.

Take a careful look at your own anger and write down all the reasons you are angry. Make a list. No matter how trivial you think a reason might be, remember that it matters. It could be as simple as being the only one to walk the dog now.

Now answer the question: Why does this make me angry?

Take your time and answer why for each reason you have put in your journal.  The why of it may not be immediately evident so do not rush.

Self-management is another way we can explore ourselves and it takes time, but it is time well spent. Investing in your own wellbeing is the absolute best investment you will ever make.

Finish as many sentences as needed:

I feel ____________ because__________________________________

As an example, you may feel afraid because your financial security has been impacted and you feel vulnerable.

Now for some emotional heavy lifting.

Begin by focusing on one step forward for each of these feelings.

My first step toward feeling less ____________ is____________________.

Complete as many sentences as needed.

As an example, you may feel embarrassed but that feeling gives your former spouse power over you. Reclaim that power. Accept you cannot change their actions. Starting right now and take control of your own feelings. When you feel embarrassed for what they did, what you allowed, change the channel in your head. Think of how you coped through it all. Change ‘they did this’ to ‘I coped by ’ thoughts.

Managing our anger

And this is where that conscious thinking helps. When you feel those emotions, identify them. Identify the trigger that might have caused it to resurface. Instead of replaying, try rejigging your thinking to something/ anything more positive. It might be the view out the window. It might be a deep breath. Every time you do that you reclaim a bit more of yourself.

Take yourself out of the anger response.

Irrational Beliefs about Ourselves

Divorce comes with a bevy of negative thoughts that are often based on irrational beliefs. One example is that the marriage failed and thus we are failures.

No, you are not.

Anger and defeat are emotional consequences of irrational beliefs. You are not the first and will not be the last person to think that they are a failure as the result of a failed marriage.

Another central irrational belief is that any criticism of you by your former spouse must be true. Why allow their criticism to have power over you?

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.

Many believe their former spouse will come to their senses and come back but chances are they will do neither –come to their senses or come back. And would you want anyone in your life who does not value you?

These last two irrational beliefs are enormously debilitating.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.’      Maya Angelou

Times you owned your anger

In your Divorce Recovery Journal keep track of times you owned your anger. Maybe you walked away or maybe you practised some other form of self -regulation. Recognize your victories.

Forgiveness and Release

There is so much talk about forgiveness. What is rarely discussed is that forgiveness is not a black and white issue and purely about forgiving others.  Perhaps most important is forgiving yourself for the choices you made.

Acknowledge that you married in good faith.

Your marriage was real for you.

Let go of your anger.

Don’t think “I can’t because “Yes you can.”