The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

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2. Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.

3. Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.

4. Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.

5. Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.

6. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.

7. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.

8. Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.

9. Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.

10. Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.

11. Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.

12. Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.

13. Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.

14. Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.

15. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.

16. Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.

17. O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.

18. Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.

19. Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.

20. Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.

21. Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.

22. Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

23. Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.