children need fathers

I have been wondering what to write now that father’s day is soon upon us here in the UK – a tricky time for divorced parents.

I wanted to write something that kindly said, “Helping children cope with divorce means giving them the gift of you two getting on as much as possible.”

I wanted to write something that pleaded, “Please don’t interrupt the relationship between your child and his/her father,” it’s not yours to disrupt because you no longer get on.

I am not talking about those father’s who have been abusive to their children because it is true, better to have no father (or mother for that matter) than an abusive one.

I wanted to write something that will put across some research that has been conducted over the years regarding children and their fathers and just how important they are to your child’s social, mental and emotional development.

I wanted to write something that will talk directly to the fathers and say, “Please don’t lose touch with your children.  They need you so much. They need you now more than ever because the world as they knew it has changed since the divorce or separation. By keeping in touch you are helping children cope with divorce in a way no one else can but you.”

Fight for them and keep fighting because they need you.  Don’t let your child become part of the statistics of children whose fathers disappeared following divorce or separation.

Finally, I wanted to write something that will say, fathers are important too – to their children – so this father’s day, help your child do something special for his/her father. Draw a card, make that phone call, or both, buy him something and have your child give it to him.

If it’s your weekend, your time with the children, how about you just step back, if only for a couple of hours and allow for them to have that day together – for your child’s sake, for your child’s well being.

Fathers are important too – very important indeed.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

This article is intended for non-resident parents in the early stages of separation that are starting to experience difficulties with arrangements for their children.

By keeping these tips in mind, you will be giving yourself the best opportunity to resolve you situation as quickly and painlessly as possible:

If you’re having trouble seeing your children, then here are some things you could try:

Don’t leave things too long –It is important not to let things linger. We are sometimes contacted by fathers who have had no contact with their children or their former partners for a number of years before finding out what their options are.

There are still options available for parents in these situations, but it is undoubtedly more difficult than when parents take positive steps soon after separation to get things resolved.

You do not want to allow a status quo of little or no contact to develop, which can be very difficult to reverse further down the line.

Keep records – Keep records of any contact you have with the other parent about contact arrangements. These records can form an important chronology of events if you ever needed to go to court, and can demonstrate the efforts you made to ensure contact could take place smoothly.

Parenting plans – Separated parents often run into difficulties with child arrangements as they are made ‘ad hoc’, and so neither the parents nor kids are sure what may happen from one week to the next.

If your difficulties aren’t so much about having contact but about the regularity or nature of the arrangements, it may be worth spending some time working on a parenting plan.

The advantage of a parenting plan is that it can help parents to create arrangements that work for them and are sustainable. There are lots of draft parenting plans available online, such as this one from Cafcass: www.cafcass.gov.uk

Exploring the family justice system – For some parents, conflict is so high that there is very little chance that they will be able to make arrangements together without some form of outside support. So does this mean you have to go to court? Not necessarily.

Cases can take a long time to resolve, and in the meantime conflict can become entrenched.

Legal aid is now also only available in exceptional circumstances, so the process can get very expensive if you are using legal professionals. If you do need to go to court though, there are ways of managing your own case to keep control over the price; contact our support services if you need any help with this.

Courts expect parents to have attempted mediation before making a court application, so mediation is likely to be most parent’s point of engagement with the family justice system.

Mediation is where a trained mediator acts as a bridge between you and the other parent to help you make an agreement that works for both of you.

Mediation can be very effective, if both parents are willing to cooperate.

It can also be a much cheaper way of resolving differences than court, and legal aid is still available for some parents to access these services.  National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can provide you with more information about the process.

Remember your ABCs – Michael Robinson from the excellent Custody Minefield website (www.thecustodyminefield.co.uk) has an acronym that I think is ideal for separated parents:

A is for attitude, B is for behaviour, and C is for child-focussed. Attitude and behaviour are crucial, whether you are writing to your former partner, attending mediation or are in court.

If you are behaving in a way that is overly confrontational or aggressive, you are less likely to be taken seriously. You are also not going to be seen as focussed on the needs of your child.

The family justice system works on the principle that the best interests of the child must always come first. If you are unable to demonstrate that you actions are entirely motivated by what you believe will be best for your child, it is unlikely that you will be able to progress your case productively.

Take care of yourself – Finally, it is important to remember amongst all of this to look after yourself. You will not be able to do yourself or your child much good if you are not in the right place physically or mentally, and an important part of the process is managing your approach.

Exercise is often a useful way to relieve stress, as is spending time with friends and spending time on other interests and hobbies that you enjoy.

These tips are not intended to be comprehensive, but to make you think about how the manner in which you approach your situation early on can influence the outcome further down the line.

If you could benefit from further understanding or support or are having trouble seeing your children, please contact one of our support services as soon as you can: www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2

About Ross

Ross Jones has been Policy and Communications Manager at Families Need Fathers since 2011. Founded in 1974, Families Need Fathers is a registered UK charity which provides information and support to parents of either sex. grandparents and wider family members following divorce and separation. 

National Helpline on 0300 0300 363
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As a new year begins, many of us will be looking at the year ahead as a time of change.

For many parents across the UK, this may also be a time of anxiety and stress; sadly, many family breakups tend to occur around the holidays.

With so many things to be resolved, the process of separation can easily feel overwhelming.

Quite often, one or both parents may feel that they have been treated badly by the other, making it more difficult for them to sit down with a level head to make arrangements for their children.

All too often, children can find themselves caught between warring parents, and sometimes, being used as a pawn in arguments between them.

More often than not, it is the father that moves out, while the mother stays in the family home with the children. It is quite common though for our service users in high conflict break-ups to tell us that time with the children is used as a bargaining chip against them.

When parents split up, there is often a lot of hurt and anger on both sides.

Sometimes, a parent will consider that the behaviour of one parent in the lead up to separation is what split the family apart , meaning they have ‘forfeited their right’ to see the children.

We can all understand why a parent may feel that way in the heat of the moment – however, we should never forget that the children’s interests should always come first, and in most cases, a continued meaningful relationship with their father is of great benefit to them in both the short and long term.

Children today enjoy the involvement of their fathers much more often than in the past.

Indeed, one recent study estimated that the time fathers spend actively involved with their children increased by 200% between 1974 and 2000. This has been a hugely positive development, as research indicates that having a caring, involved father has a wide range of positive influences on children.

This was neatly summed up by Professors Richard Layard and Judy Dunn in a study for The Children’s Society in 2009:

 “Fathers are no less important than mothers in a child’s life. The closeness of fathers to their children influences the children’s later psychological wellbeing , even after allowing for the mother’s influence. If fathers are more closely involved with their children, other things being equal, children develop better friendships, more empathy, high self-esteem, better life satisfaction, and higher educational achievement, and they are less likely to become involved with crime or substance abuse.”

 Clearly, fathers can and do have a lot to contribute to their children!

There can also be many benefits for both parents as well. When fathers and mothers are both fully involved with the children after separation it is easier to manage work and family commitments together.

This can avoid a parent from either becoming overwhelmed with responsibilities or feeling frozen out, which in turn can help to reduce the scope for arguments after separation. This point is particularly important, as one of the greatest fears separating parents often have is the effect that divorce or separation may have on their children.

Whilst these transitions will always be difficult initially, research suggests that it is parental conflict which has a greater impact upon child wellbeing than whether mum and dad are still together.

It can be very difficult to plan for the future when emotions are still raw immediately after separation, but the involvement of fathers in most cases is highly beneficial for children. The shift from husband and wife to ‘coparents’ can be a difficult one, but it is hugely beneficial for children when this can be done as smoothly as possible to ensure the relationship with both parents remains stable.

If you need any information or support on parenting arrangements after separation, you can access Families Need Fathers’ support services via the website on www.fnf.org.uk.

Profile Page – Ross Jones