Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd
The type of support your children might need will depend on their personalities and the reasons for and the nature of the divorce, is it amicable or a war? Let’s assume significant amounts of child centred insight on both parents’ parts and the desire and capacity to think of their kids first. In that case it’s a question of central life circumstances and the types of transitional phenomena we might see.
Transitional phenomena was a concept linked to a British child psychoanalyst in the 50’s and 60’s called Donald Winnicott. He developed ideas such as ‘good enough parenting’. He used to have a radio show supporting parents and is credited with changing how hospitals supported children as in patients as he advocated for family rooms and allowing parents to stay with their sick kids. He also developed the idea of transitional objects that children psychologically individuate for their primary carer and would use as stand-ins for the carer. All parents know the phase their kids go through of having a special toy, or blanket that can’t be washed or, god forbid, lost! Winnicott called these ‘transitional objects’ that reassured the infant the primary carer was ‘alive’ even when not around. They provide security, a sense of emotional continuity during change.
We would now broaden that understanding out to larger important relational constellations and into an all of life experience or need. The core constellations of experience that matter for security are:
1. Emotionally intimate and dependent relationships to others. That could be a romantic partner, family member and also very close friends.
2. Work, which represents survival and also broader meaning and purpose. Work in this context includes school .
3. Home, representing survival and containing inner world (intra-psychic) needs projected out onto a place.
Once we are through infancy successfully we learn to attach emotionally onto these 3 constellations of meaning and experience in important ways for our psychological stability. They facilitate a sense of continuity of being. Our identity is in the relationship to these 3 areas. Have them upset, challenged or removed and we begin to break down psychologically.
To understand what your kids need you have to ask how many and how much of these three constellations are changing? The greater the number of them changing; is it only one of them, or two of them or all three?, then the greater the support needed. Also ask yourself how secure or developed are your kids? Their age will create different challenges and needs.
The types of support and interventions will vary but fall into these broad categories
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Reassurance of love. The ‘transitional object’ above reassures the infant their ‘love object’ is still with them and therefore they are loved. With younger kids who have outgrown these objects they may well want them again or gain new ones. Older kids might be offended by you offering a teddy bear but ask yourself what are the metaphoric teddy bears you can offer? Often it’s re-instituting ‘rituals’ they have grown out of, movie nights for example.
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Normalise. Anxiety, depression, irritability, drop off in performance at school, lack of sleep, poor diet and so on are all signs we are going through things we would rather not. They are normal and we shouldn’t diagnose ourselves as wrong if we struggle with change.
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Increase fun stuff. Make a list of all the things you know everyone enjoys and do it more, sounds simple but we forget one of the best therapies is simply having fun!
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Expect old behaviours to emerge and accept them. Things you or your kids have grown out of will pop up to say hello. It’s OK, it’s the mind saying, this helped in the past. Is it helpful now?
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Increase healthy behaviours. Socialise, exercise, eat well, regular rest and sleep, practice your stress management tools more. Be very conscious of being healthy in your habits.
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Talk, talk, talk…you get the idea.
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Do transitional work. Having to move home? Visit that home before you go, look around the area, visit it lots and get a feel for the place, find cafes, parks, groups you like and use them before you move. The same applies with moving school. The more you plan the transitional changes the less of a shock.
Change is inevitable and we know lots about it. So do your research, chat to people who’ve been through it. Most important of all, stay loving and forgiving.
Read more articles by Noel McDermott.
About Noel McDermott
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/