linda - Page 2

I can’t forgive him. I refuse to forgive him. Everyone says to forgive and forget well I think that is impossible. He was cruel, he hurt our kids, he hurt me and he walked away from it all without so much as a backward glance. Why does everyone always talk about forgiveness like it is the place to get to after a divorce? What if you can’t forgive?

First of all, you are only responsible for yourself and your own healing.

Focusing on forgiving him is giving your former spouse continued power over you. It is important to remember that forgiveness takes many forms and the goal -for you- is to get to a place where the divorce is comfortably tucked away in your memory.

Perhaps the most important aspect of forgiveness is that we -first and foremost- need to forgive ourselves. You chose to marry him and have children and because of those choices you and your children were exposed to his cruelty.

Let’s start there. I am sure like most everyone, you married in good faith believing in this person. You believed he would be a good husband and you believed he would be a good father. You did this because we all go into marriage trusting in an unknown future together.

As many divorced people have found, reality can often upend that belief system and we question ourselves. We all wonder how things turned out the way they do in a divorce.

It is worth it to take a moment and consider that anger drives a lot of cruelty-lashing out because of inner pain. For whatever reasons, your former spouse chose to behave the way he did. He must take responsibility because it was his choice to be cruel to you and your children.

Maybe all you can do is forgive yourself for marrying him and exposing your children –who didn’t ask to be born – to that cruelty.

Also, consider the effect of time in every situation. As your life becomes less about your divorce and more about your new life and the future you will find that the pressure to forgive him will ease.

Time will help you shape a more realistic perspective of the marriage and its demise. You are still hurting and that clouds your judgment.

To live a fulfilling future all you really need to do is be comfortable with your decisions. Take a step back from this expectation of forgiving him and consider what your own form of forgiveness might look like because this is not about him. This is about you and your peace of mind. Where do you need to be emotionally to find that peace?

What happens over the next few years might also impact your feelings about forgiveness. Your former spouse might feel remorse and offer a very sincere apology.

Or he might feel no remorse at all and not see any problem with what he did. You do not have any control over what he does. Accept it and make decisions about forgiveness based on your own needs.

 Knowledge is power and once the emotion of the divorce abates a bit, your thinking will clear, and you will also feel the positive effects of emotional distance.  You might not feel such extreme emotion in 2 years or 5 years as your life moves forward and you have new experiences. However, you might still feel you can’t forgive him.

The most important aspect of whatever you decide – be comfortable and content with the decision. Beyond that, say little and think even less about forgiving him and concentrate on creating a positive future for you and your family.

Reclaim your personal power. Everyone is on their own timeline to heal. But spending emotional energy on whether you can forgive him or not gives him continued power over you. Take control of your decision that for right now you cannot forgive, accept it and move on.

Make the future about you and your children and the happiness you create together.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My best friend is having an affair with my stepson. I can’t believe this is happening. I am married to a man 17 years older than me and his children are adults. She has been involved with him for several months now. Her husband is a very good friend of mine too. I am devastated, confused, and furious with her. She hasn’t told her husband but wants to leave him and move in with my stepson and they are even talking about getting married. It’s such a mess.

You are feeling betrayal at several levels in this situation.

Amidst all this emotion you are no doubt grappling with the odd possibility of having your best friend become your stepdaughter in law someday.

However, remember a whole lot of things must happen before any future marriage could become a reality. This needs to be taken one day at a time.

First, the biggest burden at the moment is the secrecy. I am guessing that nobody knows but you at this point. That is an enormous responsibility she has given you. It is also quite likely that people will take their anger out on you for keeping the secret from them if the truth is not revealed soon.

The very first thing that needs to happen is that everyone needs to be honest about the relationship. The secrecy gives the whole affair oxygen and creates a certain excitement for your friend and stepson that is detached from reality.

Honesty is necessary to move forward. Your friend and your stepson need to tell her husband and your husband. Both conversations are going to be very stressful, but they do need to happen as soon as possible.

Listen and support by encouraging everyone to avoid any quick decisions and hasty judgments. That initial shock will be a huge hurdle for all involved. Every stage of separation and divorce is painful. The easy part, however selfish it might have been, was all the excitement of the affair.

There will be the inevitable criticism and fallout from those involved and from extended family and friends. There will be a lot of anger from many places in your life. You might find yourself drawn into the criticism because she is a friend.

Try to maintain an emotional distance. It won’t be easy because you are connected at many levels.  When you slip and get angry or say something you regret, just regroup and carry on.

Remember that none of this was your doing or your choice. These two people, your friend and your stepson, are adults and made the choices that have brought two families to this point. They need to fully accept that responsibility. Their choices are going to cause enormous pain for many people.

Be cautious with assumptions. People will surprise you- both in good and bad ways. Let the future evolve at its own pace.

You have a difficult place in all of this because of your connection to both people. It is important that you look after yourself. Attempting emotional distance, as difficult as that might sound, will help you to navigate the future.

It won’t always be possible because there will be times when emotions run high and maintaining distance is impossible. But work towards that. It will be that role as a voice of reason that will allow you to be the most helpful to everyone involved.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My Mum depends on me too much. I know she is lonely. I know she feels cheated out of a life she thought was good. But she won’t stop talking to me about it. I am really sad my parents split. But my Dad is happy. He has a new girlfriend and they include me in a lot of things. He laughs and is so different from when we all lived together. I am beginning to hate coming back home to Mum. I love her but she needs to get a life.

You are experiencing something that happens to a lot of kids when their parents split.

Often there are members of the family – like you – that feel caught between the two people they love very much.

Let’s start with your Mum. It sounds to me like she didn’t expect this to happen. So there is a certain element of shock she is experiencing right now. She is also afraid for her future for any number of reasons. She might have financial worries. She might be afraid of being alone when you leave home. She probably feels very insecure about the future.

Her self esteem has taken quit a hit and she probably harbors fears she might never find the happiness your father has found. She sees you go off with your Dad and his new girlfriend and feels envious that he can offer something she can’t.

However, you are feeling burdened by her over sharing and there are a few ways to deal with it. You can begin by exerting some control over conversations.

When she starts to tell a story you may have heard several times, very gently but firmly say, ‘Yes Mum, I know that hurts. You’ve told me this story before.” Then change the conversation topic.

Likewise if the topic becomes too personal, you say gently but firmly, ” Honestly Mum , I feel uncomfortable with this topic. Let’s talk about ..then pick something that interests you both.

It is also helpful to be honest with your Dad. If he asks about your Mum, be honest. Tell him she is having some challenges. This is not said to make him feel guilty but to perhaps spread a bit of empathy. You don’t need to overshare but you don’t need to pretend either.

It is a lot to feel your Mum relies on you and there are a few proactive things you can do. You know your Mum’s interests. Look around the area to see where she might begin to get involved with others. Drop some hints.

If you feel comfortable talking to one of her good friends, then do so. Enlist their help. Perhaps between the two of you there is a plan to encourage some new activities in your Mum’s life.

You do not have to be your Mum’s counselor, but you can be her coach. As a coach you shift the focus from talking about the past to planning the future, which is much more fun.  Remember that as a coach, your Mum may need encouragement to take those baby steps into a new life. It also gives you a topic when you want to change the conversation channel.

Don’t overwhelm her with options. Pick one or two things that you know will be of interest.  Offer to either participate with her initially or ask one of her friends to go with her.

It is that first big step that is the hardest. Once your Mum starts doing things for herself, she will begin to develop some independence. It will also build her self-confidence.

Divorce is a shattering experience. Everyone in the family experiences the divorce in a different way. Your Mum needs to see and believe in a future. With love, support, and encouragement she can do that.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I am really struggling!  I have come to hate and resent my ex-husband so much that it is causing me to behave in a way that I never thought I would.  I see myself driving a wedge between him and the children but I just cannot seem to be able to stop myself! I just want him to go away and leave us alone.  He was the one who broke up the family and for him to think that he can have his cake and eat it by having a wonderful time with the children after all he has done to us is killing me and part of me just wants him to suffer.

You are experiencing what many if not most people feel after a divorce.

The hurt and anger fills us up with a rage for the other person. We want them to hurt. We don’t think they hurt and maybe they don’t. But we do not have any control over what they feel, only our own emotions.

Your children did not experience the divorce in the same way. From their perspective, they lost a family unit. Given that they appear to have a good relationship now with your former spouse, it is probably safe to assume he was a decent father. Or there may be other reasons. For right now, your children want a relationship with him.

In this instance you need to rise above your own personal feelings and let your children have this time with their father. There may come a day when they see their father differently. But for now they are happy to spend time with him.

Most people who have ever experienced a divorce have known the rage and anger you are feeling.

However, they would probably say it felt much better to get beyond it. It feels like such an enormous personal injustice to see your children having fun with him and wanting to spend time with him. But it is very important for them to do that. He is their father. You need to get to a state of acceptance for what has happened and for the family life in its present form.

The hurt and anger we feel comes from our personal sense of loss. Beginning right now, it is important to create a new life for yourself. Spend the time they are with him healing yourself. There are many ways to channel the rage in other more positive ways.

First and foremost would be to start journaling your road to the future. There’s an assortment of journaling books available. Get one that appeals to you and the pen you prefer. A journal never gets tired of hearing about your pain and anger. As time goes by, it will also present a very vivid picture of your healing in its pages.

Do you have any type of exercise regime? Even walking is a great start if you don’t. Check your local area for exercise classes. There are usually some and for a nominal fee you have a new activity and will meet new people. Healing ourselves involves our physical well-being as well as our emotional health.

Books saved me in many ways. The bookstores are crammed with self-help books. Spend some time browsing through them. Check out your local library too. When you are there look for what types of workshops and groups are offered. There might be something that interests you.

Meeting new people in a group environment is an excellent way to forge new friendships. You will begin to have a life that does not have a connection to the past. The loss you felt begins to fill up with new possibilities. These new friends, not connected to your past, give you the opportunity to practice talking about anything but your divorce or your former spouse.

Anger serves a purpose in the initial stage after a divorce. It gives us an emotional impetus. But if it lingers too long it hinders our future. It takes an enormous amount of energy to be consumed with rage- that energy would be better spent on new activities.

You want the world to know you are better not bitter. Make some good personal choices, get some good books, and meet some new people. With each step forward you will feel the anger dissipate. Your children will notice the new you and that will make them very happy.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My X husband was much older than me and now he is very sick. It was a messy divorce as most usually are and his siblings were very harsh toward me. I made mistakes but so did he and nobody knows but us what really happened. We have not been in contact for many years. I never had any children with him. I don’t know what I should do. I feel I want to help in some way but I am not sure how to proceed.

Divorce has a way of changing our own lives forever. It is a part of who we are.  Distance often mellows any of the negative feelings we once felt. Whatever happened between the two of you was obviously private enough that others were not aware.

Where you start is with the here and now and the knowns. You would like to help in some way. There are many ways to help someone who is facing the end of life.

It might be best to start by contacting a family member or someone you know is a close friend. Was there one friend or member of the family you think might be receptive? If so, write to that person.

Reach out to them either through an actual written letter or email. Be honest and truthful. Face the mistakes that were made and accept responsibility for the ones you made. Keep to a minimum anything written about the past. Old wounds do not need to be opened.

Deal with the present. Consider what you are prepared to do and set out options from direct contact to paying for some caregiver help. End the note by asking them what they think might be useful.

From your message, it is quite apparent that even though the marriage ended, you still care about his wellbeing or you would not be asking how to help.

Your goal is to find possible ways you can make a difference in his life right now. In your letter outline these options. If things go well, your level of involvement might increase. You could visit if the family allows. If he is in an institution remember to be helpful and not critical of his circumstances. Families are always under enormous stress caring for a family member.

If visiting is not an option then consider what else you can do. Caregiving is expensive for any family. Perhaps there is a way you can pay for some of it or arrange a regular caregiver visit. There are many services that provide various caregiver options including friendly visits.

The message to his family is that you want to help in some way. Make sure they understand you want them to feel comfortable with whatever it is they decide you can to do.

Be prepared for the family to turn down your offer. In your note to them say you understand that might be an outcome and you were aware of it when you decided to reach out.

If you approach your X husband’s family in a very non-confrontational way, it increases the chance of a positive reply. It may take a while as family members discuss your offer. Don’t badger them during this time. Everyone is on their own timeline and they are consumed with his care right now.

However, considering he is very ill, time is limited so you could ask for a decision within a few weeks. Remember to include preferred contact information.

Sincerity, openness, honesty are all key to breaking down the barriers that exist. If the family senses those values in your letter to them then there is a greater chance of a positive outcome. Good Luck!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

The holidays are over and my kids and grandkids have left. And again my ex-wife- their mother -disappointed them. She sent gifts and cards but made no effort to speak to them or make any time for them over the holiday. Maybe she thinks because our kids are grown they don’t need her. But she is missing so much with our kids’ lives, watching her grandchildren grow up, and she doesn’t seem to care. I am just sounding off because it has been this way for years and never changes.

I know from first- hand experience exactly how you are feeling. Frustration and anger bubbling up and all the while trying not to let it affect the family holiday.

You have every reason to feel the way you do. However, you are not alone in seeing your former spouse seemingly abandon her family. After a divorce many parents abandon their adult children. There are many reasons.

They have a new life elsewhere and feel their children don’t need them anymore. They might have said they are done with parenting, and want this time of life to be solely about themselves. They might be embarrassed about their actions and feel they can’t face the judgement of their adult children. It might be all of the above. Whatever the reason, it is always the children that suffer by parental decisions of this nature.

It is very good to vent your frustration but any time given over to the topic during family holidays is time wasted. The absent parent is not there to defend themselves and assumptions made about reasons why they have chosen to be absent are only assumptions.

Any reference to your former spouse is usually weighted with the negative energy from the separation and divorce. There has probably been more than enough of that already. Your family holidays should be focused on the joy of being together and watching those favourite performers –grandchildren.

Sometime when it feels appropriate talk to your children on their own about how they feel. Don’t let it deteriorate into bashing the absent parent but give them the opportunity to express their feelings and frustrations. You want to get to a place of acceptance that one parent has made the choice to be absent and withdraw attention. Perhaps you can also strategize ways for them to approach their mother about the issue.

Your frustration may be expressed at an opportune time with your ex-spouse if you have any type of communication.

But don’t let your children become the go between. They have a different perspective than you do.  

If you have any communication with your former spouse, you might want to offer that she is missing very special family time. Keep the communication minimal but factual without judgement. Too often communication can devolve into former spouses reliving the previous hurt which is not helpful in finding solutions to the present problem.

There’s a whole new year ahead. Sometimes people need several opportunities and encouragement before they change behaviour.

We know that life is often not fair and that is just a fact that needs to be accepted by you and your children. She may show an interest next year and she may not. As the active parent and grandparent continue to give them the love and attention they want and deserve.

One good parent is more than enough for any family.  

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I am not proud of it. I had an affair with a married man. It’s gone on for two years and now he is leaving his wife and wants to marry me. I don’t want him or a marriage. I like my independence. I tried to tell him many times but I don’t think he heard me. Have I completely messed up his life and my life too?

First thing to remember in all of this is that it takes two.

Yes you made the decision to have an affair with a married man but he also made the decision to cheat on his wife. After that things get a little more challenging.

Did you ever give him the impression you would want something permanent, maybe at the very beginning?  If you did make some commitment at some point to a future together without being entirely honest then the situation becomes more complicated.

First of all you need to get organized to be entirely honest with him as soon as possible. You say you don’t want him or a marriage. Does that mean you want to stop seeing him altogether? 

Before you have your meeting think very carefully about why you feel this way. You also want to make sure this is not a fear of commitment colouring your feelings. Being in an affair allows for a certain amount of freedom. A real relationship or marriage requires commitment. A solid explanation is needed. There are two people in this relationship and no matter how you feel about him right now, he deserves an honest explanation.

Any type of relationship, whether it is only casual or serious, involves some emotional commitment. Untangling that needs to be done with care. There is probably a fair amount of guilt between the two of you. That is another emotion that needs to be addressed.

You can’t change the past or your actions. You can, however, apologize to him if you were not entirely honest about your motives during the affair. Although you did tell him, were you clear about the message? Sometimes we only fool ourselves with attempts at honesty.

The longer you fail to take any type of action, the more difficult it will be.

You already know what he wants and intends to do. He does not know your true feelings. That is a communication gap that needs to be fixed. Think very carefully about how you want this to unfold. Will you tell him and immediately stop seeing him? Will you tell him and still be willing to see each other regularly? Do you feel confident you have the ability to stand up to any pressure he might put on you to change your mind?

All those questions need to be answered and the decisions should be fairly clear in your own mind before you have the conversation. 

Life is all about learning from our mistakes or wrong steps. When you are ready, be honest and open with him about how you feel and what you expect from the future.

If he does leave his wife he may need a friend. Can you see your relationship turning into a friendship? Remember, there are many ways the future could unfold between the two of you.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

We are a family in crisis. It has been a year of conflict. Our marriage is collapsing. I am not sure what the new year will bring but right now we need to get our kids through the holiday. I don’t know what to do.

The holiday season at the best of times is stressful.

When you are a family in crisis it only makes the situation much worse. Do you stay or go before the holiday?  From experience I can say that committing to the holiday together at a time like this can be very challenging.

If your decision is firm to have a family holiday season then there are a few things to consider.

Keep your eye on the goal of making it through the holiday. Be civil but don’t pretend anything with your spouse.

However, a truce should be considered. If you have been in conflict for much of the past year then everyone needs some relief from the stress. There is nothing to be gained by arguing. Make a choice to not engage in any arguments. You both know the flash points very well so try to avoid them if possible. Will your spouse agree to this type of arrangement?

Suggest you do it together for your children. They have been part of the conflict and are probably feeling quite emotionally bruised by it. It is not pretending to put aside arguing because your children will see through any acting. It is making a good choice and being considerate of everyone in the family during the holiday season.

Straight away make a promise to yourself that you will control any expectations from family and friends. Do what you can do and don’t let the holiday control you.  Perhaps think about a new tradition that everyone might enjoy.

Sometimes switching up traditions creates a different and more agreeable frame for the family. There’s less ‘remember when’ with a new tradition. If your children are old enough, include them in the holiday planning. Doing things everyone wants to do will help lessen the stress.

When you are out at social functions remember the goal is to get through the event. Holiday get-togethers are not the time to discuss your personal problems. Keep your conversations focused on the present.

Talking about a possible separation and divorce in the New Year is not really necessary. If friends ask how you are doing then be honest without being too forthcoming. There will be plenty of time in the New Year for family and friends to be informed.

Finally, if your children are older and want some answers then they do deserve that consideration. If no firm decision has been made about a separation than tell them just that. Whatever your future decision, you have decided to spend Christmas together without any disruption to the family and leave it at that. Admit it is a very difficult time and what you hope is that everyone will try to make their best effort.

Take some time for yourself over the holiday. The stress will be challenging to manage. If you can, trade off some of the responsibilities with your spouse so you both get down time. Some family activities can be divided up and shared. That way each of you has a chance to regroup.

There will be plenty of time after the holiday to get your life and your future in order. For now consider it a few weeks reprieve before the big job begins.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I’ve been divorced for 30 years. My X husband showed up in my life recently. We’ve been estranged all this time. We have not spoken in almost two decades. Our kids accept that Mom and Dad do not attend family gatherings together. We’ve always worked it out to be at anything at different times. All that changed a few months ago when we ended up at a gathering together. We got along really well. The years slipped away, and all the bad memories with it. We’ve been secretly seeing each other since then. Our kids do not know anything about our dates. We are in our 70’s and are both single. Are we crazy?

Linda says

These longer lives we are living provide opportunity for all sorts of crazy things to happen in families—good and bad.

This looks like it might be good. However, the secrecy is not a good start for your kids. A few dates to see if there was more to it than just a good time together at one social gathering are certainly acceptable. But after a few months it is time to be honest with your family.

Be prepared for judgements. Much of it will be based on fear because they will worry that one or both of you will get hurt as a result of this new arrangement. Your kids were there for all the nasty bits that happened when you divorced. They will not have any inclination to see those hurtful times repeated.

Tread carefully and go reasonably slowly. Being the age you are does not allow for a long courtship but taking your time about decisions is really the best option.

You don’t offer what your plans are for the future but a good starting point is to go to family gatherings together. Let everyone get used to the fact you are friendly again.

Try not to push this new arrangement on everyone. Ask them if they are OK with coming to these family events together. If you do go together, try to be as natural as possible and let everyone get used to this new togetherness at their own speed.

You do have age and experience on your side in the sense that you both know exactly what you want for this stage of life. Think carefully about how you want this chapter to unfold. Honesty on both sides is very important.

Also be mindful of the fact that you both have most likely changed over the years. But the core attraction that existed at the beginning is still there if you are dating again and enjoying each other’s company.

Eventually moving in together may be an option but it may not if one or both of you have got used to independence. Make sure that you both are very clear with each other about expectations.

The really positive aspect of this stage of life is that it can be shaped anyway we want as long as it is acceptable to both sides. If you do want to live together then there are financial considerations. You have been apart for a long time. How you work out shared finances is yet another question to be answered. How much financial independence are you willing to give up?

Maybe you want to live apart but be exclusive to each other. Maybe you would consider two flats in the same building or going to the same retirement community. There are any number of ways a future could unfold. Often we are more open to living arrangements that may not appear so conventional to our children. They might view it as an all or nothing resolution, a return to the past.

Open discussion as a family is the best way to find a resolution. However, do what feels best for the two of you at this stage of life. The fact both of you would appear to have solid relationships with your children is very positive.

After your children, what other people think of your decision doesn’t really matter. That is one advantage to age.  Life and happiness are fleeting. Carpe Diem!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Photo by Marisa Howenstine on Unsplash

I am currently separated from my husband of 25 yrs.

We have four children together ranging from 28-16. We were married young, after knowing each other for only a couple of months I became pregnant and we married 3 months later.

I realized about 4 yrs into the marriage that things weren’t right and I wasn’t happy. However I then became pregnant with my second child and figured this was the direction my life was supposed to go.

I had dropped out of college to get a full time job, with benefits, when I became pregnant with my first child and since my husband was on scholarship he needed to graduate on time.

I was a stay at home mom which allowed my husband to work and travel as needed. Over the 25 yrs he had several different jobs. Some he left some he was fired from.

Along the way I lost respect for him. He for me as well. He is a very controlling and condescending man. We have not been intimate in years, I feel nothing for him. We had four children together so I stayed. I know this sounds cliche’ but I stayed for my children.

My marriage sucked but I LOVED being a mom.

They are the best thing I’ve ever done. We have been in marriage counseling many times and I have also seen a personal counselor to help me figure out why my husband has no desire for me, why I felt like a child around him, why I allowed him to boss me around, I knew I didn’t like being treated that way but I felt powerless, stuck.

My question is, why is it so hard for me to actually say ‘it’s over’?

I want to move forward and discover what life is like making my own decisions but I’m terrified. What if my children hate me?

I feel emotionally scarred by some of the things my husband has said to me over the years. About 3 months ago I moved out into a little rental near my kids. My husband refused to leave and said I was the one with the problem not him. I feel sick to my stomach when he calls me and just the sound of his voice makes me feel awful.

Why do I feel this way? Why am I having such a hard time telling him how I feel. He’s all I know. I was married at 21. Will it ever go away? I’m so sorry, I feel like I’m rambling on. This is the hardest and most painful moments in my life. I’d appreciate any feedback. Thank you! 

Linda Says

One of the truly unfortunate aspects of separation and divorce is that often we are hardest on ourselves.

Appreciate that you have made many choices in life that show you have considerable emotional strength. Staying in a marriage that was not satisfying to benefit your children was one way you have proven your strength.

The many attempts at counseling show commitment and perseverance.

Right now you need to channel all of those attributes toward your own personal growth. We only feel powerless if we choose to feel that way. Every single day you can and will make choices that benefit you.

A traumatic event like separation and divorce has emotional as well as physical effects.  That nauseous feeling is part of your body’s reaction to the stress.

You left the home and that is the first step on a path forward. There are many unanswered questions right now and some of them can be answered by a divorce solicitor. It is a scary step to make the appointment.

It’s a place we thought we’d never be in life. However, good advice from a solicitor will go a long way to easing some of the worry about the future.

You have indicated there was some form of emotional abuse with put downs and criticisms. Those are only his words and not who you are.

I know personally that when we are in the midst of an abusive relationship, reality is hard to find. We believe what is being said about us because this is our primary partner. What he says must be true. But –it isn’t! Those words have one motive- to hurt you and diminish you.

It is an abuse of his power in the relationship. Love and care do not exist in abusive criticism and put downs. Rejection of any intimacy is yet another example of his negative power and control. It is only when we step away from the abuse that we begin to feel ourselves again. Seek out counseling if you feel it will help. I know it did for me.

For now, limit contact with your husband. Unless it is child related, you can control how much interaction with him takes place. You are living apart and he does not have control over you. Given the age of your children most family issues can be dealt with on a weekly basis. You decide how often there will be contact.

Perhaps for right now, concentrate on your own healing and wait for a later date to explain yourself to your husband when you are less raw emotionally.  Do not let his negative words or pressure affect your choices. Do what feels best for you and do not make any permanent decisions until speaking with a mediator or solicitor.

When you see your children avoid talking about your husband and try to be as positive as possible about the future. Be honest. Separation and divorce are not easy but you will all get through it. It was a decision you had to make. Don’t over share or let your children become go betweens.

Find out how they are doing and how they are feeling. Make any meetings together about them. No matter what, you will love your children and there will always be a place for them in your life. Your love for them is evident. Show them how strong you can be.

Try to restore some order to your life. See your children regularly.  Your children are feeling a great deal of uncertainty right now. What they need is stability and you do too. Regular visits and regular chats on the phone will help them feel that even though their future has changed, you will be a part of it.

Keep a journal as a way of tracking your emotional growth. A journal never gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. It is a constant friend in times of stress. Your future will emerge on those pages as each day brings you closer to a future of your choosing.

I know how it feels to end a long marriage with the only person you’ve ever known. I felt very alone and scared. Eventually my new life took shape because the future became one of my choosing just like it will for you.

You have already proven enormous strength and resilience. The acute pain you are feeling right now will fade.

Believe in yourself and see each day as moving closer to the life you want. You can do it!!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.