linda - Page 1

88 result(s) found.

Write Away with Linda
Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash
/

Write Away with Linda

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

Write away the past and write into your future.

When I found myself alone after a traumatic divorce, there were two things that got me through those first few years. There was my lifesaver counsellor who helped me find my dignity and self-worth again. And there was my journal. Every day for years I told my journal what I was feeling and gradually I began to see myself again.

With this ‘write away’ series, I will give you writing tips and some journaling ideas. Both of which I hope will help set you on the path to your future.

In those early days of your new life, it is important to focus on small and manageable achievements. Sometimes my greatest sense of gratitude was that I had made it through the day at work and got myself home again.

Let us begin at the beginning.

Find a beautiful notebook you like. There are so many choices today and having the right journaling notebook should mean that when you pick it up the book gives you a sense of belonging. This is your life and your journal. That is the way you want to enter your journaling experience.

Then consider the best time in each day that would work for you. For me, it was always just before I turned out the lights. It was quiet and I could reflect on the entire day.

Sometimes just getting started is the biggest hurdle. Your mind fills with questions of what you should write about and that can be a barrier to taking that first step.

Keep it simple.

Your journal entry can be “today I…”

Then can follow an account of what you did, where you went and the people you saw. If it was a home day, the same thing applies. Where did your day start and then where did it go. Do not worry about it sounding mundane. There will be times when it is a recount of the day’s events and other times it will be a day of great insight. Both are helping you find your future.

We read the benefits of gratitude and know that being grateful is an extremely healthy exercise. Once you can look at your day then consider what part of it brings gratitude. Perhaps you are grateful for getting through the day and that is enough. Separation and divorce can be a time in our lives when we are hardest on ourselves.

If you are critical of yourself then qualify it. I did this, thought this, said this, because…

The pain of separation is fierce and stumbling along the way to your future is part of the healing process.

If you feel comfortable about digging deeper into your feelings, then do so. One mantra I subscribed to during those years was that a journal never tires of hearing the same thing. If you want to rage a bit –rage a bit. But reread your journal and make sure you can see a balance.

One of the most helpful writing tips I ever received was to read aloud what I have written. When you read aloud what you have written then write about what you heard. It might be you heard your pain. It might be you heard hope.

Be patient with yourself. Everyone is on their own timeline to recover from a separation and divorce. We can become so critical of ourselves because life is not changing fast enough. Or during the day, we did something we regret. There will be many days like that. Avoid being critical of yourself. Our self -talk should focus on encouraging us through every day. Everyone, whether going through a divorce or not, makes mistakes. All these years later, there are still some things I said and did that are cringeworthy. I cannot change the past. I did and said whatever it was. I own them and I have moved on.

A journal is a private place we can go. It is a safe space. And it is your friend. There will be no criticism from a journal. It will never get tired of you repeating yourself.

Journaling will take you on a path of self-discovery. You will find insight you never realised you had. You will find wisdom you never knew you possessed. I hope it soothes your soul.

Read more articles by Linda Simpson.

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Family Estrangement after divorce process
Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash.
/

Letters to Linda – family estrangement after divorce process

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

How can I make sure that our family does not become estranged? We are divorcing and have two kids. Of course, I am angry now, but I know our kids need both of us. I’ve seen it happen to so many families. It tears them apart. I want to find a way to help our family manage this new life. I do not want anger and hurt to fill up the coming years. How do I do that?

The very fact you can identify what you do not want to happen with your divorce is a major first step. Acknowledging your present anger is another. Be mindful that what we want and what we get post-divorce can be different because there are two people involved in this divorce.

First you need to determine your expectations within the new family structure. Take it one step at a time. What does the immediate future look like if both parents participate in family life? How much mutual engagement is necessary to achieve what you want? Will you be friends and what could that look like going forward?

Then you need to define the parameters. As an example, there will be school events. How does that look? Do you stand or sit together? Do you acknowledge each other? Your children will not want to be stressed about how their parents behave with each other in a public place. Ground rules need to be established. Honesty and respect are key. School events are not the time to discuss divorce agreements.

Be truthful if, initially, all you can do is be at these events separately and on different days for now. Make a commitment to yourself to grow into less restrictions when these situations arise. Accept that you may be able to get to that place and you may not.

There are boundaries in place that were not there before. That is something to accept. Include your children in the parameters of these boundaries.

An example is considering how accessible the home is to the leaving spouse. Do they have a key? Do they knock? Can they be there with your children when you are not there?

These arrangements can change over time. You may need your space right now. Being clear about what you can and cannot do and what feels most comfortable is important. This does not mean you are being unreasonable. It means you are being honest with yourself and taking the time to know yourself at this new stage of life. There are probably things you simply cannot agree to, and you need to accept your own limits.

Your children have no doubt witnessed arguments leading up to the separation. They will feel some stress over any time you are together. It takes time to regain their trust and make those family times stress-free.

How you and your partner behave now is an example to your children. They are living their worst fear. Children naturally worry about the day their parents might divorce and now it has become a reality for them.

Accept you will make mistakes and your former spouse will too. Acknowledge those mistakes and at an appropriate time talk to your children about them. Focus more on the problem-solving you did to get past a mistake and less on the emotion that drove the incident.

Oversharing can become an issue through separation and divorce. It can be divisive. It can also be the impetus for family estrangement. Your hope for the family is a positive goal and will guide you through rebuilding a new family structure. It will take time and there will be setbacks.

Life gets in the way. There are more stressful situations ahead and they can impact your goal. Be patient. There is a line between frustration with disappointment over a change of plans or a forgetful former spouse and that incident becoming one of anger and resentment.

How you manage these situations not only gets you closer to your goal but also helps you move beyond the intense emotional effects of the immediate aftermath of the separation.

Remember that situations can change over time as everyone heals. You do want normalcy, but you have both come through a very emotional time and both of you need time to process and heal. That will happen at its own pace for each of you. Arguments will occur. Aim to reach a resolution quickly.

Own your mistakes but limit your regrets. We are not perfect. You are their parent now and forever and so is your former spouse. Remember that it takes two committed parents to make sure that family estrangement does not happen.

You may feel it should all look a certain way post-divorce, but your former spouse might see commitment in a different way. Be prepared to make compromises on your vision.

It requires work and consistency. It takes time. Think of ways to deal with your frustration if family relationships don’t unfold the way you want them.

Celebrate your wins. When both parents invest in their children’s future, they are creating a connection that lives outside the divorce.

More letters to Linda.

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Trapped in my marriage
Photo by Rajesh Rajput on Unsplash

Letters to Linda – Trapped in my marriage

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

I feel trapped in a marriage that I think no longer works. I feel trapped because we have a close extended family who are constantly in our lives, and I do not know what to do. Our children are close to them. We have been in this bubble through the pandemic. When we are alone, we go through the motions of marriage and family life, but it does not feel real. We have no time for us as a family. It feels empty and a weight on me. I look at the future and see, in the years ahead, doing exactly what we are doing now. How do I fix this?

There are many reasons why you might be feeling isolated from your partner and family life. Not all of them mean the marriage must end to solve the problem. A balance to family life is particularly important. If you can achieve that, family life might feel more agreeable. There are several steps you need to take to determine why you are feeling this way.

It should start with a trip to your family physician to ensure your feelings are not, in part, related to anything physical. Most important with this step is that you be very honest with the doctor about how you are feeling. Even just sharing that with a professional will be a good first step.

In the meantime, you need to clearly define in your own mind what your alone feeling is about. Write down all the reasons why you feel a disconnect with your partner and family life. With that, also include what a better situation for you would look like. This will be helpful when you visit your doctor.

Perception is a big part of our feelings. Do you feel weighted by the presence of extended family, or does it feel like too much because of a general feeling of helplessness and loss of self-control over your life? Does each family visit cause anxiety and thus create a constant burden? Understanding your perception of this situation will help.

You will soon need to talk with your partner about your feelings. This will be a very crucial discussion. Be mindful that empathy will be helpful for a productive discussion. Your feelings may be a shock and the initial discussion should happen with compassion. Explain how you are feeling as clearly as possible. Then ask them to offer how they feel about your family life and marriage.

You need a solution that works for you. However, the very first question that requires an answer is why you feel this way. Close extended families can result in less alone time. That should be a priority. Find ways to create alone time. Combining it with some type of exercise will help freshen your problem-solving skills. Creating family time that does not involve extended family is also important.

It is a challenge with close extended families such as yours to keep some things private. Initially saying little or nothing about your feelings would work best for both you and your spouse. Keep your focus on your immediate family.

You need the space to identify any problems and then determine solutions to those problems that work. You also need a united front with the extended family. Decide how much or how little you want them involved.

There will come a point when friends and family will be offering opinions. Close families tend to care very much and do really mean well. However, your top priority initially is taking care of yourself. If they offer or initiate any conversation, do not hesitate to say that you really do not want to discuss it now and will let them know when you do.

It is best policy to offer little in the beginning. You are confused and trying to figure things out yourself and often when we are in that initial stage, we say things that we later regret. At this point the less said to extended family and friends the better. You may want to consider a counselor or a trusted close friend to listen and help you understand why you are feeling this way.

Go forward for a bit applying those strategies and see if things improve. Remember to make your feelings a priority. If you have been trying to please everyone we often end up not pleasing ourselves. You have identified how you feel and have made an important first step by naming the problem.

Understanding why you feel this way will be the next step and will give you the basis for finding a solution that works for you. It is a process.

Be patient with yourself.

More articles by Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

He had the affair
Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash

Letters to Linda – He had an affair now he’s rewriting history

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

He’s rewritten history. He had the affair. He left our family. I had to pick up the pieces and hold the family together. He spent years living very independently from his family with little contact with our children. Now with our adult children and grandchildren, he makes occasional appearances in their lives.

He is trying to tell our adult children that he ‘has no knowledge” of the actual events leading to the divorce. The whole story has changed in his head. It was my fault. I forced him out of the marriage. He didn’t get involved with someone else until after he left. None of that is true. My adult children know that is not true and yet he tried to lie to them. When they challenged him with the truth he backed down and said he was lying without offering any explanation. Why would he do that?  How can he do that? What is the point of confusing the issue now?

 

You cannot change his thinking. Start at that point. Anything you say will not change it. He has developed a revisionist family history as many do to create themselves as the victim. It suppresses any guilt that may have built over the years. Chances are he is surrounded by people who believe what he says. Those people are in his circle of friends and support him.

Truly many people have their own life to deal with and care little whether your former spouse is lying about this or not. His friends are probably not greatly invested in the true divorce story. It all happened several years ago, and they have spent many years listening to his version. It has become the truth in their minds too.

As time has gone by, the people in his life believe his revisionist story because they will have heard the reasoning so many times. Stories like that get polished over time as each seed of doubt about you was planted. Nobody challenged him so the story grew. The real story got lost in the annals of history and his version of the story becomes the truth. You are no longer in his world so you couldn’t defend yourself.

Externalizing the blame is a common defense mechanism. If he blames you for the fact he left his family then that absolves him. It happens in many divorces.

Those are the facts. What can you do?

Without being defensive yourself, remind your children of what really happened. They lived it and there should be enough collective memory to correct his revisionist history, at least for your own family. Your children have probably been through enough pain in the past, don’t let it consume the present.

Beyond that, you will just have to let it go. He will say and do whatever he wants. Lashing out will only make matters worse. Unfortunately, by being defensive and angry, you will look like the person he has created to his friends if you get vindictive.

It is a fact that in many cases, no matter how hard we try to outrun the past, it has a way of showing up. You have spent many years creating a new life and this should not in any way hamper all the personal gains you have made.  The effort you make should continue to be on yourself. Your divorce will always be a part of who you are but its effect on your life should be minimal.

Venting with a good friend will help but telling the world won’t help. Most likely the people in your life have already lived it with you once. It is not that they don’t care about you, but life moves on.

Issues like this do open old wounds but only if we let them. Get on with your own life and let him live his-whatever revisionist version of his history he chooses. The people that matter will know the truth.

If you get angry then that is giving up your personal power to him again. It allows him to affect your emotions once more. Do not let that happen because you are the one that will suffer.

It will take a concerted effort to not be hyper-focused on the anger you feel. Shove those negative thoughts away. Think about other things. If anyone mentions it, give the topic very little airplay. Have an answer prepared that is not an angry response, briefly correct the lie, and then move on to something else.

By shifting the focus away from him and his revisionist history, everyone, including you, will benefit.

We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you – letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

More articles by Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

He has a new girlfriend

Letters to Linda – He has a new girlfriend

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

He won. He has a new girlfriend and soon to be his wife. Our divorce has not even been completed and he has moved on to this brand-new life. I am struggling to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. We did not have any children because he said he was not ready to be tied down with family commitments, but his girlfriend is already expecting their baby. I feel gutted by his lies and his ability to just wipe the slate clean and move on so quickly. Where do I begin to put myself back together?

There are times when we feel we have lost in the game of life. But at some point in the future you will see it all very differently. Right now you are feeling like an outsider looking in on life but you are not an outsider. Those thoughts allow him to have power and control over you. The hurt you feel right now is overwhelming you. It will take time but that hurt will begin to lessen and gradually a sense of your own future and your own control of that future will overtake the hurt.

It is all one step at a time. First, if you have not already, start journaling all these emotions. A journal can be your best friend and never gets tired of hearing the same thing repeatedly. It may take many pages to finally release some of that hurt. You will.

We only have control over our own thoughts and actions. What your former spouse has decided to do is his choice. Work towards letting go of allowing what he does to have power and control over you and your emotions. Take back your personal power and his effect on you will lessen. One way to do that is to take back your thoughts. Thinking about what he might be doing is allowing him to still have control. You are in charge of your thoughts so make them about you and your future.

When you find your thoughts slipping toward wondering what he is doing or feeling anger toward him, make a conscious effort to shift your thoughts toward something else. Even if it is planning your evening meal, you will immediately feel a leveling out of your emotions.

Consider all the things you can think about and keep a list on your phone. Look at it if you need prompting and turn your thoughts over to you, your life, your goals and your future. The more you do this then the easier it becomes. The bonus is that you will think about him less and less. Managing our thoughts has a positive effect on our emotional health and is a key factor in divorce recovery.

A counselor can be extremely helpful. They will help you process the hurt and help you to see your own self-worth. You will learn to let go of the outward focus on your ex-husband’s new life and refocus your energy on yourself and your life’s goals.

As you feel more secure with your own life, begin to consider what those future goals will be. We all have secret dreams we keep to ourselves. Choose one and start to plot the steps to reach that goal.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle. It may take some effort to begin but take charge of your physical health too. Walking is a very easy activity to add to a day. It is healthy and therapeutic. As you feel more energetic and your ability to cope with your life increases, other options will seem attainable. Yoga classes and hiking groups are opportunities to take part with a group and a chance to meet new people as well.

You will hear friends and family members say that you need to let him and your anger go. Be mindful of the fact that you will but it will be on your timeline. Every one of us after a traumatic divorce heal on our own schedule. It may not be as quickly as others think is possible but believe in yourself and know that you will heal.

As remarkable as it might seem at the moment, you may wake up someday and see this divorce as a positive catalyst because it will set you on a path to achieving goals you never thought possible.

All of it will take time. Be kind and patient with yourself.

We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you – letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Co-parenting over the Christmas

Letters to Linda – Co-parenting over the Christmas holidays

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

I don’t know if I can do it. There is so much written about abusive men, but I was the victim in our marriage and left my wife right after the new year last January. It has not been an easy year and now she wants to share Christmas and our kids want us to make a plan and get organized so we can do it. How do I manage this? I love my kids but I can’t pretend anything with my former wife. I do not want to stay with them on Christmas Eve. We share custody in a co-parenting arrangement that has worked through the lockdown. Without disappointing my kids, what can I do?

First of all, you need to remember, you have a voice and a choice in the matter. You have mentioned what your former wife and your children want but what arrangement would work for you?

The very first thing you need to do is decide exactly what plan feels most comfortable. You have said you don’t want to stay overnight Christmas Eve but would you open presents together Christmas morning? Is this possible?

The focus should be on your children and not on your former wife with everyone prepared to be flexible with the plans. It is not the time to bring up old wounds or argue. It has already been a stressful year in so many ways. Aim for neutral in every dealing with her if you can.

Try to collaborate on gift-giving for your children. It would not be helpful to attempt to overshadow each other’s gifts for your kids. Can you have a conversation about gift decisions? Think about your own gift ideas before the conversation and negotiate. An abundance of gifts or extravagance does not fix anything and sets a precedent that can get out of control in the coming years.

Talk to your children about the options you feel are acceptable for holiday plans. You can arrive early Christmas morning and not miss any of the excitement. If you feel a whole day is not manageable, then leave for a few hours and come back to have a meal together.

If that feels like too much then talk to your kids about doing your own Christmas morning. Your former wife can do presents and a meal with them one day and you can do the same thing the next day. Without oversharing, be honest with them when explaining your decisions.

This is the first Christmas apart and new traditions will need to be created. Because it is the first Christmas after the separation it is also the biggest challenge. Remind your kids how much they are loved and that the holiday is a chance for some new beginnings.

Remember that children often feel it was their fault the marriage ended. They need to feel secure and loved and maintaining some civility with your former wife over the holiday is one step toward that goal. Be honest with them that you are doing the very best you can to make the holiday work. If you can think of a good idea together, start a brand-new tradition with your kids, one this is just yours.

Every family member sees the change in a different way and that means extended family and friends will all have opinions about what is the best choice. Be open with them about your choices and ask for their support. If anyone gets a little overzealous with advice, ask them to wait till the new year for those heavy discussions.

Make time for yourself through the holiday. Divorce recovery takes time and recovering from an abusive relationship requires even more attention. If you haven’t already, think about some counseling. Start with your family doctor for suggestions and go from there. A good counselor should offer a feeling of safety and trust. Make a choice that works for you.

Christmas holidays are the most pressured time of year. Emotions run high under normal circumstances. A divorce and a pandemic are enormous challenges to tackle. Keep your expectations in check.

It will not all go according to plan so best be prepared for some compromise and some disappointment. The goal is to get through the holiday with your children feeling a level of happiness, you feel that your voice was heard, and that the plans worked reasonably well.

For a complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda contact The Divorce Magazine UK.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Main Photo by Jeremiah Lawrence on Unsplash

You might be interested in

Lockdown-Marriage Over

Letters to Linda-Lockdown-Marriage Over

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

He wants out before Christmas. No compromising, he wants to be moved out before Christmas. I just found out and nobody knows. Our kids are 12 and 14 and have no idea this is about to happen. The lockdown has put a lot of pressure on us as a family. It was not anything I thought could not be handled. It turns out this has proven to him that this family is all wrong for him and we are all wrong for each other. I am in shock. The kids know something is up, but I have not had the heart to tell them. How do I get through these next few months and beyond?

 

First things first, you must take care of yourself. Find space somewhere, on a walk, or yoga class, or even just a few minutes alone whenever and wherever you can. Keeping yourself centered is especially important. That is first and foremost the next step for you. You will have enormous emotional demands over the next months and nurturing your well-being will help you cope.

You have not mentioned any reason other than his life does not fit with the family. This lockdown has been extremely hard on the mental health of many people. Does he have other pressures that are affecting his life like job insecurity? Since the announcement was made, has he wavered in his decision in any way?

Answering those questions will help you decide how to proceed.

If he has not wavered then you need to start to plan for his move. The children need to be told and they need to be told by both of you together. He needs to explain his decision to them in a measured message with everyone present so that his plan is truly clear. There will be time for them to talk to both of you individually but when a momentous family life change is just ahead, every family member needs to be considered.

It will be sad, but it will also begin a new chapter in your family life. Your kids will have lots of questions. One of the most common reactions by children is thinking it is their fault. They need assurance that it is not their fault. Even if your husband is saying family life does not work for him, that is a personal choice he has made.

Talk to your husband before the children and plan a strategy for how to tell them. The message needs to be clear and try to stick to the facts. As their parents, you know your children best and together should be able to consider the best way to approach this discussion with them.

They will have lots of questions. Answer them honestly, even if the answer is ‘I don’t know right now.”

The next few weeks will be incredibly stressful for everyone. There will be arguments, and there will be tears. In any argument, the best strategy is focusing on the problem. That means that personal criticisms are not helpful. By focusing on a solution to the problem, you are channeling your energy in a positive way.

Your kids will be angry too. They will have a certain sense of helplessness as they see the family life they have known taken apart. Give them the time and space to grieve for what is being lost.

You are preparing for a very new life. Think about what your choices will be. The most immediate is what to do about Christmas. Will you celebrate it all together? Your kids will most likely want to be a part of the decision and offer their opinion so be sure to ask them.

We are limited in our choices with travel restrictions but there are a few things you can do. Make a list together of all the options and then decide.

There will be disappointment and fear about the future for everyone in the family. Your husband has made a huge decision during exceedingly difficult times. You cannot make any guarantees about what will happen, but you can be honest and sincere with your children and let them know how much they matter in your life. Letting them be a part of the process shows you respect their feelings. Focus on the immediate future and less on the long term for now.

If each family member feels they have some personal power and a voice, it increases the possibility that the best decisions for the whole family will be made.

For a complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda contact The Divorce Magazine UK.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Is Life Repeating Itself for my children

Letters to Linda – Is Life Repeating itself for my Children

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

My former father in law created a family life that was in constant upheaval because of his moodiness. They never knew what his mood would be or why. He was unpredictable and the family lived in chaos as a result. He finally left the family and went away. My ex-husband grew up catering to his father’s moods.  I thought that our family life would be different because he could talk about it and see how erratic moods destroy a family. He tried to be different with us, but it was all he knew. Our kids could never trust that a good mood would last or when a bad mood would take over. He finally left in the early spring just before the lockdown. I feel like it is life repeating itself. I am trying to put our lives back together. He hurt me, he hurt our kids until there was nothing left to our family. Even now I wonder if he realizes that he did that. We are trying to sort out the childcaring, but my kids are reluctant to spend too much time with him. I am living on emotional overload.

You are dealing with many emotional issues at one time. It is no surprise that you feel you are living on overload.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. Self care for several reasons is especially important right now. Take some time just for you in whatever way that can happen. It might be a regular long walk, or a yoga session or meditation but make time for yourself.

When people separate, they are faced with many decisions and that can be overwhelming. On a practical level begin by listing the decisions in order of priority. It is helpful for a few reasons. One is that you see what needs to be done and as you check things off the list there is a certain satisfaction. If you have not already, keep a journal. It can be your best friend in difficult times.

Your children will need to see their father and spend time with him. Their reluctance creates more stress for you. However, with some planning they can learn to manage. It is quite reasonable to say to your former spouse that if he gets moody, the children will want to come back to your place. If that is arranged before then if it does happen that he gets moody, there is no surprise. He knows how his father’s moodiness affected him, and he can be reminded of that fact.

Remember, the problem is his moodiness and not his affection for his children. You said he did try to not be like his own father. In language they understand, help your children to separate the behaviour from the person. His behaviour is the problem.

It does not change the fact that what they worry about is his moods. Help them to notice triggers that might lead to a bad mood. If they can identify it before it happens, there are ways to de-escalate such as changing the subject or going outside for a time. If that cannot happen, then they call you.

If he could identify his father’s own behaviour, then chances are he knows when he is behaving the same way. If he did not like the way his father behaved, he probably does not like himself much in those times either. He has a road ahead to get to a better place. Moodiness and anger have their roots somewhere in his life and he will need to commit to finding and facing the reasons for his moods and his need to escape his family.

Right now, your life should be about creating a safe and secure homelife for you and your children. As much as is possible at this time, put his moods in the background of your new family setup. Your children may need to talk about their father but monitor their talk and gently move the conversation on to other topics.

We are living in uncertain times and there is not much that we have control over until our world stabilizes. You can create some security within your home by being the parent your children need. There is a certain freedom now because you do not have to deal with your former spouse’s daily mood swings. Concentrate on creating warmth and security and a stable home. You and your children will benefit.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Done with Being a Parent

Letters to Linda – Done with Being a Parent

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

Will my kids grow up to be like their Dad? My daughter is 14 and my son is 16. Last year he left us and told me he was done with being a parent. The kids were old enough to be independent he said. They did not really need him anymore and this was his time to start to enjoy life. I am not sure what he thought he had been doing up to that point. He has a younger girlfriend and she does not want anything to do with his children. It reminds her how old he is she says. He calls occasionally but has little interest in their wellbeing. Now I am worried that my kids will think this is how marriage works. When you need more excitement you just move on. Please tell me they will not be like him.

The very first thing to do is ensure that you take care of yourself. There are so many worries associated with separation. You have an enormous responsibility now as a single parent and self-care is especially important to sustain your own emotional needs.

You are not alone in worrying that your children will see their father’s choices repeated in their future adult lives. I think any parent who has had a runaway spouse thinks it could happen with their own children. There are no guarantees in life but there are things that can be done to help your children move into adulthood with a solid understanding of healthy relationships.

We have learned that children survive and thrive with one good parent. Focus on being the best parent you can be. Make time for them, even at their age, they need to feel secure. Their life has been turned upside down. If you feel abandonment, they do too.

Children learn what they live. Be the model of the person you want them to be. Highlight values in your parenting. Use every opportunity to show them the difference between right and wrong and the importance of being responsible for their actions. Help them to understand we have no control over how others behave but we do have self-control.

As difficult as it might be, limit the criticism of your former spouse. Your children are at an age where they can make their own conclusions about their father’s choices and behavior. Those opinions may change as they get older and time has passed.

Support them when he disappoints them because he will disappoint them, and it will hurt them. Someday he may see his mistakes and he may not. Encourage them to accept whatever future outcome they experience with their father. It may include a warmer relationship. Remind them that they have personal control over how that relationship with their father evolves. They should make their own choices about their father’s place in their lives and not be coerced into anything. Encourage them to focus on the many positives you have together. Be realistic with them.

They will need to vent but be cautious about spending too much time in the past. You can be the conversation guide. Give them the opportunity to share their frustrations but guide the conversation toward acceptance of family life as it is now. You will feel those same frustrations and will feel some gratification with the criticism of their father but moving beyond those criticisms will be healthy for everyone.

Remind them of all the things that are good in their life. Make sure that the three of you form a solid, secure family unit. Have some fun. Fill the space left by your former spouse with a new future.

As they mature and the distance between the family breakup increases, life will become less about his leaving and more about your life together. You will create new memories, new traditions that are yours to celebrate. We cannot anticipate the future, but what you have right now is the opportunity to create a solid foundation for that future.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Front Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay

You might be interested in

Letters to Linda – My Wife has been Having an Affair

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

This was not how I envisioned it. A year ago, my wife and I reached retirement. We have been working on our dream home for several years. It was finally finished, and we were set to move in and then my whole world fell apart. Just before we moved in, I found out she had been having an on again off again affair. By the time I found out it was off again, but I wonder for how long. Neither of us can afford to buy the other out. We do not want to sell and now we are here, retired and living in our dream home trying to enjoy this time in life. I do not think she is happy, and I know I am not happy. We look normal to the outside world because no one knows what I know.  I go through the motions, love my gardening but eventually I must go inside the house again and face this life I have.

It is a very lonely road, carrying your wife’s secret and trying to make a life together in retirement. There are a few options to consider because the stress will only increase as time goes on.

You do not say how you personally feel about the marriage. If you can see a better future, then the first thing to do is have an honest conversation with your wife. You say that you do not think she is happy but that is an assumption. Degrees of happiness varies from person to person. What you do know is that you are not happy.

As well, it has been my experience that people often view trust and honesty differently, particularly if they are the ones who deceived. For some, it is a very black and white issue. For others, there are lots of grey areas. One excuse I have encountered with deception is the view-If no one knew about it then it did not hurt anybody. That view dismisses the notion that now people do know about it and it does hurt people.

The only way to truly know how your wife feels about the future is to ask her what she is thinking and feeling.  If she also sees a way forward, then suggest you both go to counseling. A counselor will help you talk to each other in an honest way and offer steps toward the future.

For you, it is important to be honest with your wife about the fact this knowledge is festering and needs fixing.

The other option is to let the old dream of your retirement in your dream home die. When old dreams die-dream new dreams. Yes, you have worked toward this home but if it has become a burden to bear living there, and the joy has gone out of the home, replaced by two people living parallel lives. A house is not a home without that joy.

Having realigned my life several times, I can assure you that a happy home is more important than the perfect home -because perfection does not exist, just as you have found. I went from a huge family house, beautiful but filled with too many dark memories to a small house filled with sunlight and joy.

You say you cannot afford to buy the other out but there is probably equity for both of you in this home. With some concessions and realignment of priorities, there is a way forward if you chose to start anew.

None of this will be easy because right now you have committed to living together in this dream home. And you have brought the past with you. Whatever course your future takes it starts with having a very honest conversation with your wife.

Changing the course at this time of life is not easy. However, it is possible, and waking up happy every day, in whatever way you configure your future, will be worth it. For anyone in the retirement age group, we are so often given the advice by others –why bother making a change at this stage of life. Your answer -happiness. At any stage and particularly for your life now, that is the reason.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

In Isolation with my Husband

Letters to Linda -In Isolation with my Husband

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

I am in isolation with my husband. I know the marriage is over. It has been for a few years. He doesn’t seem to be aware. Life has just continued on our parallel paths and now we are stuck. The kids are soon going to be leaving home for university when life gets back to normal. The thought of just the two of us when we are on our own scares me. I can’t leave now but I want to leave.

Perhaps the most compelling part of your letter is that you knew before you were in isolation with your husband that the marriage was over. This isn’t something that the stress in our world has brought on but has been on your mind for some time.

However, we are living very strange times right now and all our emotions are being tested. Given those terms, it is not the best time to make major life decisions.

Your family is no doubt feeling the stress in the world and everything is quite confusing because there are so many unknowns. We don’t know what will happen as restrictions are lifted. Your children need a least some semblance of stability. Ending a marriage affects everyone in the family.

With so many restrictions in place, even trying to sort through a separation and work out an arrangement for your children would add more stress. You’ve made it this far, so maybe it is best to take this time to plan.

What you can be doing is considering how life will look for your family when you do separate. Your children are older so would you share custody or have a less restrictive and more fluid arrangement. Would you do family times together or do you see life as being a clear split from your husband with relatively little contact.

You have the advantage of considering this future for awhile so some of the emotion has already been invested in the idea. However, your husband, as you say, is really carrying on like there is no problem. He could be oblivious, or he could not want to see reality. You will only know when you open a conversation with him.

My guess would be it is a bit of both on his part. Many partners cling to a hope it is a marital phase and you will get to the other side of it if they sense a distancing or change in the relationship.

When do you see the right time to open the conversation? How will you begin to say what needs to be said? Do you have the reasons for your feelings well sorted in your own mind? Can you say to him exactly why you feel the marriage is over? Can you give examples? A clear explanation will be very helpful in what will be a very emotional conversation.

Even with all of your thoughts in place, he may be very reluctant to see your side. If you are met with resentment how will you proceed?

Do you have a living arrangement that will work for you if you move out? Or do you want him to move out? If he moves out, consider that this will be a whole new idea in his life and he will need some time to consider his options.

I offer all of these questions because separating and leaving a marriage is not easy. It requires many decisions and some of them will not be agreeable.

The better organized you are will increase your chances of a smoother transition from marriage to separation. As difficult as it may seem, separating the emotion out of it whenever possible and just using practical decision -making will be very helpful.

Even older children find it very difficult to see their parent’s marriage end so your children will need time to consider the new family. Be patient with them because they are in an emotional time with their age and stage of life and with the world in its present turmoil.

You seem to be quite committed to your decision. It is very important to believe in yourself and your plan for your future. Other will try to discourage you, probably blaming it on the state of the world.  Even though it is your right to make a decision like this, be prepared for reactions from family and friends that may surprise you.

You can begin by answering the previous questions which should help you clarify your thoughts and reasons for leaving. The next step is to decide on a leaving plan.

You will know when the time is right or when you have reached the point of no return. Keep a journal and believe in yourself.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Main feature image -Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

You might be interested in

How Does Mediation Work

Letters to Linda – Coping with Divorce when Holidays are Over

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

The holidays are over and I cannot face doing it again next year. My former spouse and I have been divorced for a few years. We decided at the time that we would continue to share the Christmas holiday and we have done so ever since. I hate this arrangement. It was made during the separation when I was feeling guilty I’d failed my kids.  Instead of it being a happy time, I end up feeling angry and it takes all my energy to just get through the holiday. Every year it has become more difficult to continue this family tradition. What can I do?

Holidays are a stressful time no matter what the family arrangement. It seems that your holiday get-togethers might have worked for a time but now they don’t.

Holidays put enormous pressure on families. Even more so in your case because an agreement made several years ago just isn’t working anymore. If the holiday isn’t working for you, then admitting that is the first step to solving the problem.

First and foremost, don’t blame yourself. Often in divorce, we can feel coerced into agreeing to certain arrangements as the settlement is being sorted and then time and distance change our outlook. The New Year is a good time to do a review of holiday traditions and begin a discussion with your family.

In every family, traditions that once worked don’t after a time. It is always healthy to assess holiday traditions and create new ones if necessary. You may be surprised to find others in the family welcome a change.

You have several options. First, consider ways that would work for you to celebrate a family holiday. There might be several options.

The time after the holiday is usually less stressful and there is more time for a good discussion. You can speak to everyone individually if need be, but the pressure is off to make a quick decision.

Simply telling family members you would like to change the present family holiday arrangements is a starting point. If they ask why remember, ‘less is more’ in the details. Avoid any extreme language if possible. But be honest. You don’t like the present arrangement and it doesn’t work for you anymore and move the discussion on to what new possibilities could be considered.

You can put out some ideas and give your family members time to think about your preferred choices and then chat.

Time is on your side in the new year. Share the decision-making process and be prepared for some compromise. As this is all to make a more agreeable family holiday, determine what is your threshold for compromise. Traditions have a way of owning us instead of us being in control.

You might agree that doing one more holiday in the same arrangement is the answer. Rather than view it as an enormous burden- frame those hours as part of a whole year.

Be clear that after this year, the holiday will take a new form. Be firm in your expectations for change. Too often we do what we think other people want or expect us to do and sacrifice our own well being. It gives others too much power over our own lives. It’s OK to take care of yourself and your own emotional health.

Changing a family tradition often makes for difficult discussions because we hang so many expectations on holidays. It’s even more challenging because having the present arrangement has probably been something your children enjoy. However, your happiness is important too.

If a decision is made to change, then the New Year gives everyone a whole year to come to terms with the new family tradition. With love and consideration, you and your family can find a path forward that works for everyone.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

1 2 3 … 8