Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting
Have you ever considered that your romantic relationship(s) affect more than just you and your partner? It’s also the foundation of your children’s future relationships. It all starts with you. No pressure.
It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I realised just how much my divorced parents’ relationship, and the way they conducted themselves, had shaped my own.
When I left home at a young age, I carried with me a tangled mix of beliefs, vague notions and misconceptions about relationships. It was a real cocktail: quotes about love from classic literature; passing judgements from my psychiatrist father; contradicting advice from my mother; a scattering of real-life experiences, various scenes from romcoms and dramas…
And of course, I was a product of modelling – which is the process by which individuals learn, observe and imitate behaviours, emotional responses and communication styles from their parents.
It’s astonishing how many unrealistic expectations, myths and destructive tendencies we often inherit from home. It took me almost two decades of trial and error to sort fact from fiction. The good news is, we now have science and research to guide us.
As parents, we naturally try to protect our children, drawing on both our positive and negative experiences. Yet, all too often, we sabotage their chances of happiness by imposing our own expectations and fears, which may not apply to them at all.
Children copy most things, including your relationship style, whether you’re together or apart.
Even when they become teenagers and appear to reject everything you say, their brains are still recording. We influence them more than we realise.
If yelling, slamming doors or giving the silent treatment is the norm, your children will assume this is acceptable behaviour.If gratitude is never expressed and parents take each other for granted, that is the model your children are likely to adopt.
If you and your partner never offer praise or compliments, they may grow up thinking that’s normal too.
Personally, I grew up in an environment where praise and expressions of love were rare and modest, but where negativity was exaggerated, and conflict handled in a destructive way. As a child, I just assumed that’s how it was supposed to be, and without realising it, carried some of these patterns into my first serious relationship. It didn’t last for many reasons, but it taught me some valuable lessons, which I now know, are also backed by science.
Three key things to consider about how your relationships impact your children’s future relationships.
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Sort yourself out first – address your emotional baggage.
Sadness, bitterness and pain from past relationship(s), divorce or other experiences, ideally, need to be addressed before you pass any ideas on to the next generation.
Your personal experiences and expectations are your own; you can share them with your children, but they shouldn’t be treated as unquestionable truth because they will impact their future.
Do you find yourself dispensing advice, like: “Men are only after one thing”?
Or, “Beware, women can take your freedom, your sanity, and even your bank balance”…
Sweeping statements like this clearly show that you have been hurt and are still carrying a lot of emotional baggage. It’s never too late to review your emotional baggage, relationship patterns and unhealthy habits.
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Don’t try to shield your children from absolutely everything.
When children ask what is going on, how much something costs and so on, we often say: “It doesn’t matter” or “Not your concern.” Of course, they don’t need every detail of your life, but it’s valuable for them to understand how things work: how bills are paid, how a mortgage works – and yes, how a divorce is going to affect your current set-up.
The same applies to disagreements. Children need to see that adults can argue without it being a catastrophe or a taboo. According to one of the world’s most renowned relationship experts:
“There’s a common misconception that fighting should be done behind closed doors, but you need to have conflict in front of your child if you want them to have happy, healthy relationships.” *
It flips on its head what you’ve been hearing your entire life! Why?
“If your kids don’t see you having conflict and handling it constructively, they may grow up thinking that people who love each other don’t disagree or have conflict” *
Which wouldn’t be true, and we’d just furnish them with yet another misconception about relationships. Even when a marriage ends, your relationship still carries on, admittedly, in a very different form – and it’s just as important to be able to deal with conflict constructively.
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Understand that disagreements aren’t always about one person being right and the other wrong.
It’s not “my way or the highway.” Even in great, loving relationships, people disagree on important issues; they may have different views and opinions. The key is to handle those moments with grace and respect.
It’s not the amount of conflict that matters, but how you resolve it. Many relationship researchers see conflict as an opportunity for greater mutual understanding, rather than a sign of failure.
That said, both parties need to practise skills such as listening, managing disagreements respectfully, and avoiding big discussions in the heat of the moment.
If necessary, ask for a time-out, take a breath, and return to the conversation in 30-60 minutes. Listen without interrupting, focus on finding solutions and avoid rehashing every mistake they made since the dawn of time. Instead, try to discuss one issue at a time, and then agree to address other issues another time if you must stop.
“It is vital for your child’s relationship and health that you model healthy ways to deal with stress and conflict”. *
Sometimes, adults disagree and debate things, which is completely normal as people can’t agree all the time. However, we can discuss it in a civilised manner and find a solution together. This is a much better message.
Whatever your children’s age let’s not dismiss them by telling them it’s “none of their business”. Start today by being the kind of role model for relationships you hope your children will one day enjoy. Reflect on your habits and patterns, open healthy conversations and handle disagreements with respect, whether you’re in a relationship or divorced / separated.
And if you’re on the other side of divorce and ready for your next love story, seize the chance to start with a clean slate, make intentional choices and create a happier life for both you and your children. You might find this useful: check out my blog about dating as a single parent.
Get in touch today – click here to arrange a free, confidential consultation.
* Terry Orbuch, PhD, Secrets to Surviving Your Children’s Love Relationships.
About Mila Smith
With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship.
If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships
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