Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting
Love rarely follows a straight line. Relationships end, new ones begin – it’s a natural, ongoing cycle. If you’re thinking about taking the plunge and giving love another shot, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Let’s Talk About Divorce – and Why It’s Not a Failure
We tend to idealise lifelong marriage… In reality, it can be hard to achieve and it’s not for everyone.
In fact, research shows that serial bonding – forming long-term relationships for several years before moving on to new partners – used to be the norm for millions of years. According to evolutionary theorists, it was beneficial for genetic variety.
It’s highly likely that permanent monogamy became the rule when humans began farming and settling down. Staying with one partner became a practical arrangement tied to land, property and survival.
Today’s evolving gender dynamics and relationship patterns aren’t necessarily new. In a way, some of them are a return to ancient norms. I believe we’re very lucky indeed. For the first time in history, we have the freedom to pursue the kind of relationships we want without fear of judgment.
If you’re carrying scars from your past relationship, know this: divorce is not a failure, for the reasons explained above.
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
This well-known quote is often attributed to Oscar Wilde, and sometimes Samuel Johnson:
It’s funny – because it’s true… but only when we fail to learn from the past and keep making the same mistakes.
Sometimes, people do try to learn – but draw the wrong conclusions. For instance, someone may swear off a particular “type” because their ex had certain traits or attributes, even though those traits may not have caused the breakup at all. In psychology, this is called direct reinforcement, and it doesn’t always serve us well (read more here).
Choosing the opposite of your ex is a simplistic approach and not always a wise or strategic move. It’s important to understand what led to the relationship demise, and which attributes made you happy.
One thing’s for sure: humans are serial monogamists. We must be eternal optimists because when a bond ends, sooner or later we find ourselves longing for connection again and searching for a new mate.
“Call it what you will, the human penchant to divorce and form a new bond with another is worldwide,” writes Helen Fisher, PhD in her Anatomy of Love.
Tips for Dating and Re-partnering Success
Many of us secretly find rules and formulas comforting as they tend to explain the world in a structured way. Take various rules around dating….
How soon should you start dating after a significant breakup or a divorce? There are several urban myths, for example, a persistent belief you must wait a month for every year you were in the relationship before considering another one.
But then, other people will tell you the best way to heal and get over someone is to start dating and find a distraction!
The truth is, according to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you have to wait before dating again. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind.
If you spent years in a “dead” relationship, you could be already emotionally prepared to move on. Whereas, if your previous relationship ended abruptly, you’re likely to need more time to process and heal, which can be a few weeks, a few months, or for some, even a few years.
The longevity guidelines don’t apply here – but this self-assessment will help you understand if you’re ready.
5 Signs You’re Ready to Date After Divorce
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You no longer feel much towards your ex
This includes both positive and negative attitudes. You may think if you hate your ex, then you’re ready to move on because you’re clearly no longer in love with them. However, hate is another strong emotion, which will inevitably interfere with your dating journey and any future relationship.
The key motivation to let go of your anger is your own wellbeing. Avoid getting stuck in a negative space as it affects all areas of your life, including your health.
Plus, obvious bitterness towards your ex-partner is not an attractive look in the eyes of your potential dates. I hear many clients complain about dating men or women who just want to “rant” and berate their exes incessantly.
Conversely, are you still pining for your ex and compare everyone you meet with them? Another sign you need to work through your emotions before attempting to date again.
We all have some good memories of our past relationships and can’t wipe our memory clean. Remembering those moments fondly is only natural, but try to think of them as events which happened to you as an individual – not necessarily courtesy of your ex.
Can you detach your memories from your feelings for that person?
Your aim is to feel neutral towards your ex no matter how good or bad your relationship was, or how it ended. There are methods and exercises to help with this, so if you are struggling, please contact me for support.
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You can see your past objectively
Too many people skip this step because it’s very easy to find someone to blame for your past misfortunes. Some people blame themselves, most blame their ex-partner, ex in-laws etc. Try to look at your patterns objectively.
Did you rush into a relationship and ignore the red flags?
Did you choose to see only what you wanted to see?
Perhaps, you were the one who was unreasonable towards your spouse? This can be hard to admit, but do it for yourself to be able to moderate your behaviour going forward – it’s not a public disclosure.
Either way, try to forgive yourself, your ex and “file” the information for future use. Experience is invaluable – this is the best thing about mistakes turned into life lessons.
Taking a critical look at your past relationship patterns will really help you minimise potential stress and find a shortcut to happiness (read more here).
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You can identify your new relationship goals and needs
The emphasis is on “new” because your goals are likely to evolve and change throughout your life, especially following a divorce. Don’t assume you’re just going to pick it up where you left it before you got involved with your previous partner.
Chances are, you also changed on your journey, so think about your current goals, and what you want from life in general. Only then can you identify your new relationship goal (be it marriage or a more casual arrangement) and what you need from a potential partner.
Be very specific! It’s astounding how many people are oblivious to their own needs. By default, we assume we understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we need. However, we often learn the hard way and discover we might have been taken by various love and relationship myths and cliches planted in our heads by parents, mass media or religion.
Forget everyone else’s expectations. What do you want and need? If you don’t understand your goals or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them?
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You are ready to trust someone
According to science, most people have a default to truth: our operating assumption is that the people we’re dealing with are honest.
This is known as TDT (the Truth-Default Theory). Apparently, most of us are much better than chance at identifying people telling the truth, and much worse at correctly identifying liars (especially, convincing liars). This is not necessarily a weakness but just part of being human which allows social groups, communities, and civilizations to exist and develop successfully. Otherwise, we’d always be pulled apart by suspicion and doubt.
Having said that, anyone who’d been hurt in a relationship tends to have their faith in people shaken and left with general mistrust. Understandably so!
However, harbouring mistrust towards all other men or women is not the answer. Fortunately, the world is full of genuine single people, like you, who want to share, commit and trust again.
Will you be able to give them a chance and trust again? You can do so in a safe manner, being cautious and taking things slow. Time is your real ally. No one is suggesting life-changing decisions after a few weeks or months of romance.
If you feel you can be open, gradually share personal information with someone and, in turn, accept the same from them – that is one of the reliable signs you’re ready to date again.
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You’re ready to care about someone
Undoubtedly, a relationship is a two-way street. Dating is a path towards a relationship, so it does require a degree of caring and emotional availability.
Are you open to having someone else’s best interests at heart? Do you think you’ll be prepared to care about them? See yourselves as a couple, in “we” rather than “I” terms, known as mutuality?
Again, some distance is only reasonable to begin with, but do ask yourself if there is, potentially, room in your heart for one special person.
If you’re still closed to the idea of caring about someone and sharing your life with them, try to tread carefully. Put yourself in other people’s shoes: what if they happen to be ahead of you on their journey. If they fall for you, they could be hurt by your reluctance to commit further.
You see, frustration is often the main cause of relationship trouble: when hopes and expectations do not match reality. This can be pre-empted by having a sincere conversation early on.
Explain your situation (for example, a traumatic divorce or concerns about your children) and the fact you may need more time to progress to the next level in a new relationship. Most people will find honesty disarming. And if it’s too much to ask, they’ll carry on their separate way, which is only fair.
The Evolving Landscape of Re-Partnering
Researchers find that re-partnering has become more complex and harder to track. Many people now choose not to remarry, opting instead for long-term partnerships or living-apart-together arrangements where they remain committed but don’t cohabit.
The key takeaway, in my opinion? There’s no single “right” way to re-partner. What matters is that your new relationship is more intentional because hope is not a strategy. Happy, lasting partnerships rarely happen by chance.
Conclusion
Dating after divorce is not about a strict timeline or a set of rules. It’s about understanding and accepting your emotions, learning from your past, identifying your new goals and approaching new relationships with clarity and intention.
With the right knowledge, intention and support, you can build something better: a successful remarriage or re-partnering isn’t just possible, it’s within reach.
About Mila Smith
With over 20 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship.
If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. You can enlist the same kind of help when it comes to dating and relationships
Do you want to do it right this time round and find love that feels like home? Now, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. There is a clear, science-backed way forward and we’re here to guide you through it. Read more if you want to take charge of your love life.
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Let’s talk! Call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com
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