CEO
National Family Mediation (NFM)
When parents separate, the focus understandably turns to their children – how they’re coping, what arrangements will work, and how to protect them from unnecessary distress.
But research – and increasingly, national guidance – points to one clear truth: it’s not separation itself that has the greatest impact on children. It’s how that separation is handled.
So important is this issue that the Children’s Commissioner for England, Dame Rachel de Souza, has recently written directly to parents going through divorce – urging them to minimise conflict and prioritise their child’s experience throughout the process.
What the Children’s Commissioner Wants Parents to Understand
In her letter, Dame Rachel highlights that:
- It is not separation itself, but exposure to conflict, that most affects children’s wellbeing
- Children are particularly harmed when they feel caught in the middle or pressured to take sides
- Feeling heard and respected during family changes can make a lasting positive difference
She also makes an important point: while court is necessary in some situations – particularly where safety is a concern – many families can and should consider resolving issues outside of court.
Because when children feel that parents are “fighting for them,” it can unintentionally leave them feeling responsible for the conflict – something that can affect their wellbeing long after the legal process ends.
The Shift Away from Court
This reflects a wider shift across the family justice system.
Courts are increasingly encouraging parents to resolve matters amicably wherever possible – and the reality is that most families do not need to go to court to reach workable arrangements.
That’s where mediation comes in.
Rather than having decisions made by a judge – who may only see a limited snapshot of family life – mediation supports parents to make decisions together, in a calmer and more constructive way.
And for many families, Child-Inclusive Mediation (CIM) is becoming an important part of that process.
What Is Child-Inclusive Mediation?
Child-Inclusive Mediation gives children the opportunity to have a voice – safely and appropriately – within the mediation process.
This doesn’t mean asking children to make decisions or choose between parents.
Instead, it allows them to:
- Share how arrangements are affecting them day to day
- Express what’s important to them
- Feel listened to during a time of significant change
A specially trained mediator speaks with the child privately, and any feedback shared with parents is done carefully, neutrally, and with the child’s consent.
Why Hearing Your Child’s Voice Can Change Everything
Parents naturally want to do what’s best—but without direct insight, it’s easy to misinterpret what a child is experiencing.
Through CIM, children often share things they haven’t felt able to say before – about school, routines, or emotional pressures.
That perspective can be powerful.
“Children don’t need to be put in the middle to be heard. When done properly, Child-Inclusive Mediation gives them a voice without giving them responsibility.” – Sarah Hawkins
It can help parents move away from positions of disagreement and toward solutions that genuinely support their child’s wellbeing.
Keeping Decisions Out of Court—Where Possible
For many families, mediation – and CIM in particular – can help avoid the need for court altogether.
Court proceedings can be:
- Lengthy and costly
- Emotionally draining
- Determined by a judge with limited time and limited insight into your family
While judges play a vital role, they cannot fully understand the day-to-day realities of your child’s life in the way you can.
Mediation creates the space to explore those realities – and to reach agreements that are more personal, practical, and sustainable.
A Common Misunderstanding
As more families are encouraged toward mediation, there is still some confusion about what it involves.
Mediation is not the same as court:
- It is confidential
- Mediators do not make decisions or recommendations
- No reports are written for a judge
This independence is what allows both parents – and children – to speak openly and honestly, without fear of repercussions.
Supporting Families to Choose Mediation
Encouragingly, support is available to help families access mediation early.
The Government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme offers up to £500 towards the cost of mediation.
Since its launch, it has helped tens of thousands of families reach agreements around children, finances, and housing – without escalating matters through the courts.
At NFM, we see this as a proven and cost-effective way to support families at a difficult time – reducing conflict and helping parents move forward constructively.
Final Thoughts: Putting Children at the Centre
Separation is a significant moment in a child’s life – but it doesn’t have to be a damaging one.
What matters most is how parents navigate the journey.
Child-Inclusive Mediation supports families to:
- Reduce conflict
- Keep children out of the middle – but still heard
- Make decisions together, rather than having them imposed
As the Children’s Commissioner makes clear, children benefit most when they feel safe, listened to, and protected from adult conflict.
“Most parents don’t want to fight – they want to find a way forward that works for their children. Mediation helps make that possible.” – Sarah Hawkins
If you’re going through separation, it’s worth considering not just what decisions need to be made – but how you can make them in a way that truly supports your child.
About Sarah Hawkins
Sarah Hawkins is the CEO of National Family Mediation (NFM), the largest provider of family mediation services in England and Wales. A passionate advocate for conflict resolution and family wellbeing, Sarah has over 20 years of experience helping families navigate the emotional and legal challenges of separation and divorce.
📍 www.nfm.org.uk | 📧 info@nfm.org.uk | 📱 @FamilyMediationNFM
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