Paul Sandford

Couples Coaching and Family Mediation

Couples Coaching and Family Mediation – Annie Hall Revisited and EDA (Early Dispute Avoidance)

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In the course of reading an article in the London Magazine, Time out, which comprised of a sequence of potted, very well-written reviews about films with a Valentine’s Day type theme*, I was delighted to chance upon an appraisal of Annie Hall which is possibly my favourite film of all time and which featured in one of my earlier blogs.

The film basically documents a relatively short-lived romance between an angst ridden Alvy Singer played by Woody Allen and an equally angst ridden  Diane Keaton who plays Annie.

I remember it particularly for the quintessential Woody Allen jokes and wisecracks, his elegant repartee and the strong element of “will they, won’t they” and the inevitable failure of the relationship.

The Time Out reviewer focuses more on the Alvy/Annie relationship and looks beyond the romance and passion that one commonly associates with Valentine’s Day.

The reviewer writes:-

“… It shows us how difficult communication is. It also shows that two people being passionate about each other is not enough for everything to work out.

A long-term relationship is far more complex than that. It has to do with compromise and empathy and acceptance of your partner’s shortcomings”.

This very incisive piece of very well written prose could have been written by a mediator or couples coach.
It is not uncommon for mediators to become involved at the end of the relationship when passion has presumably died and communication has broken down.

This of course accentuates the difficulties for the parties and can make it even harder for them to resolve matters. However, understanding these issues is centrifugal to the mediator’s role and being both neutral and empathetic and particularly as the mediation process is conducted in a safe, confidential environment, he or she will be very placed to assist.

Interests and concerns about the past will be identified but the emphasis will be very much on helping the parties to move forward.

My favourite part of Annie Hall is the psychiatrist scene in which each protagonist in a clearly failing relationship gives his or her own subjective view of matters to their respective analysts.

One cannot help that the analysts accept these subjective positions without question, thereby reinforcing each person’s resentments about the other.

There is no mention of anything other than these subjective standpoint and, rather ironically, the analysts who are purporting to help, serve only to reinforce division and contribute to a process of inevitable decline that makes the already very unhappy Alvy and Annie even more miserable and depressed.

What would have happened if Alvy and Annie had either contacted a mediator before they reached the stage of standing in their front room arguing about which book or record belongs to whom? Perhaps more pertinently, what would have happened if they had jointly contacted a couples or relationship coach? 

Couples coaches are skilled professionals who, rather than taking sides, adopt a neutral but empathetic standpoint and rather than two people Alvy and Annie effectively voicing their concerns in a one-sided vacuum, facilitates discussion and will help them to understand, not only themselves little better, but also to at least acknowledge the other’s point of view?

One cannot say that a relationship such as Alvy and Annie’s will be saved, but in the spirit of EDA**, facilitated talking before the point of inevitable decline will often help the protagonists to focus their minds and work out what they want.

At the very least, a couples coach might have helped Alvy and Annie to realize that their relationship was doomed and save them all a great deal of unhappiness. At best, they may have been able to identify some common ground in order to continue their relationship, focus on the positives and coexist harmoniously. 

In some such instances it may be appropriate for an informal agreement to be formulated but as with family mediation, the beauty of couples counselling is that although the counsellor facilitates, it is the parties themselves who are in control of the process and the outcome thereof. This in turn means that they can draw strength both from the counselling process itself and possibly from one another. 

However unwittingly, the above-mentioned analysts disempowered their respective patients. Couples and relationship counsellors and family mediators whose professional charges are very modest do the exact opposite.

Thinking ahead to Valentine’s Day 2018, how about Woody Allen making Annie Hall 2 in which some of the issues raised in this blog are explored, perhaps with a happy ending to counterbalance the very unhappy ending in the original masterpiece?                                               

* “Love In the Movies” – Time Out London, February 14 – 20 -“Annie Hall” is reviewed by Sarah Stein Lubrano, The School of Life.

** see the section on the ASM mediation website which covers EDA( Early Dispute Avoidance)

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Couples Coaching – The Case of Clive and Romaine

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Couples Coaching for 2017 – The case of Clive and Romaine Smith, an excellent example of how some timely talking and listening can help save a relationship.

This example also demonstrates that couples coaching is about practicalities and problem solving.

Not so much “Heaven knows I’m miserable now” as “Heaven can see we are working together”.

Clive and Romaine Smith have been together for a little over 15 years and were married 14 years ago.

They have three children, Clive Junior, Max and Marcus aged 13, 10 and 9. Max has recently been diagnosed with what the family GP, Dr Dalziel, terms “severe autism”.

The Smith family reside in a small three-bedroom terraced house which is mortgaged to the Far and Wide Building Society, in Clive’s words, “up to the hilt.”

Clive drives a delivery van undertaking contract work for a number of retailers and works a 60 hour week at minimum wage rates. For the most part, Clive is “self-employed” but one retailer employs him under a zero hours contract and only pays him irregularly.

Romaine works part-time as an administrative assistant in a publishing firm and is on a very low wage. Her employers are very strict about punctuality and her wages are regularly docked because of lateness.

Also, Romaine finds it difficult to meet the very stringent performance targets she is set and sometimes has to work late without recompense. She admits to being very strongly dependent on sleeping tablets.

Romaine claims Child Benefit and Tax Credits and receives an allowance from the local authority in respect of Council Tax  but her family are always very short of money and find it very difficult to balance the books.

She and Clive are consistently in arrears with the mortgage and only pay their utility bills when they receive red reminders. Romaine finds it very difficult to deal with the demands of the tax credit system and as a result has twice been classed as having been overpaid.

Currently, a £700.00 overpayment of this benefit is being clawed back from her ongoing entitlement at a rate equivalent to £10.00 per week.

Max’s educational needs have only recently been “officially” recognised and Romaine and Clive both feel strongly that over a very long period of time, his school SENCO and headteacher have simply failed to address his needs.

Although strictly speaking the GPs reference to “severe autism” is a bit of a misnomer, in practice it is absolutely correct. Max’s behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable.

He is aggressive and demanding in both school environments.

For some reason he recently took a particular dislike to his younger brother and he is constantly teasing and threatening him. Clive and Romaine have quite frequently been called into speak with Max’s headteacher because of his behaviour and in the past year he has been excluded twice for being abusive towards his form teacher and another student.

He is easily led and it is generally considered that he has in his mother’s words “got in with the wrong crowd”. Complaints have been made to the school and to the local authority but notwithstanding the recent diagnosis, little has been done.

Clive and Romaine have found it very hard even to get their son assessed and in reality, they are too tired and too dispirited to fight back and pursue their complaints.

Clearly, Clive and Romaine are under a lot of pressure. At best, Max is surly and uncommunicative. At worst he can be completely out of control.

His parents have to divide their precious time between all three of their children and given his very complex needs, perhaps inevitably, Max does not receive all the help and support that he needs from them, a situation that is made all the worse because of his school’s failings.

Not surprisingly, Clive and Romaine’s relationship is very strained.

They never have any time to themselves and because of the demands placed on them both by their jobs and Max they can go for days at time without communicating properly. They have considered separating and getting divorced but both appreciate that the financial and other consequences would be disastrous for them and their children.

Max would be particularly affected and the reality is that his parents simply cannot afford to separate.

Additionally, Clive and Romaine are both very strongly principled and still love one another. They both take the view that when they got married they made a lifetime commitment and as difficult as their lives are, they have not lost sight of the fact that amongst all the bad times, there have been some very good times. They are especially proud of Marcus who despite having a difficult elder brother to contend with is doing exceptionally well in school and consistently gets very good reports.

The sympathetic Dr Dalziel is very mindful of the Smiths’ circumstances. Following a request from Clive and Romaine for a joint referral for counselling she recommends that they consider seeing a couples counsellor whom she thinks may be able to help them identify some common ground and devise an action plan.

Unfortunately, NHS funding is not available but having agreed to offer the Smiths three one hour sessions at a reduced rate, the counsellor, Josie, makes it abundantly clear that although she is not a lawyer or advisor, there are some non judgemental options that they may care to consider. She suggests they contact a parents’ support group and a benefits advisor, Mr. Moneypenny, who is attached to a local church.

Mr. Moneypenny gives some pointers to Romaine about how to deal with her tax credits problems and to respond to the building society. He also helps her to apply for Disability Living Allowance on Max’s behalf, a benefit that she thought she could not claim because she and Clive are both working (a common misconception).

With these strategies in-place, Josie helps the Smiths to talk through their innumerable concerns and enables them to see that despite all their difficulties, there are a number of positives, not least their commitment to one another and their marriage vows.

She helps them to draw up an informal agreement of their own devising which will help them manage their finances better and keep on top of what they termed “the paperwork and bills”.

Clive and Romaine also feel able to devise some additional strategies so that they can both have a little time to themselves and they jointly resolve to maintain contact with the support group which has agreed to help them resolve their disagreements with Max’s headteacher.

In the course of the sessions with Josie, Clive and Romaine find that for the first time in quite some years they are communicating meaningfully with one another and they reaffirm their commitment to one another.

The immense difficulties that they have had to contend with are only slightly diminished and it cannot be said that they “live happily ever after”. However, they feel they have benefited immensely from Josie’s input and they can face 2017 in a much better frame of mind.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation for Cohabiting Couples

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

It is quite apparent that marriage is on the decline. Many couples simply cohabit instead. Increasing numbers of people need help and advice in connection with cohabitation disputes rather than marriage disputes.

What many cohabiting couples do not realise is that cohabitation does not create a legal, binding relationship in the same way that marriage does.

Even in the modern age of human rights, when divorce reform is meant to be on the agenda and civil partnerships have been introduced, cohabiting couples still do not have the same level of protection that is enjoyed by their married counterparts-there is no such thing as “a common law marriage!”.

Some people may have had the foresight to enter into a cohabitation agreement. Others will have economic independence and will be able to weather any results and financial storms.

However, most people are not in such favourable positions.

One very good option for disputing cohabiting couples is to go to mediation – In practice mediation gives the parties the flexibility to reach a mutually binding an acceptable agreement that could not otherwise be achieved – not only will they save a lot of money by going to mediation but they could achieve a great deal more.

About Paul

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation – There is much more to it than Divorce and Separation

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

If you ask a passer-by what she or he thinks family mediation is about the chances are that that person will mention divorce, separation or disputes about child contact.

In one sense this is correct and it is certainly true that family mediators deal with these types of issues quite routinely.

However, one of the important constituent parts of the term “family mediation” is the word FAMILY.

Are you perhaps involved with one of the following types of dispute which arise more often that our hypothetical passerby might imagine? If so, would you like it to be resolved promptly and cost-effectively?

  • a case involving the parents of a child in local authority care who may be denied any contact;
  • a case involving a grandparent, aunt or uncle who is denied contact with a much loved grandchild, nephew or niece because the child’s parents have separated;
  • a dispute involving a family house sharing arrangement possibly where there is concern about a potentially vulnerable family member leaving home;
  • a case involving a dispute between siblings about a family will or the administration of a trust or estate;
  • an Inheritance Act claim where a close family member or a potentially deserving relative has been left out of a will and has taken the matter to court;
  • an acrimonious dispute affecting a family partnership or company that may ultimately affect its financial viability and the livelihoods of those who work in it;
  • a dispute between siblings or other family members about who cares for an elderly or infirm relative;
  • disagreements about funeral arrangements,
  • A dispute between parents and their child’s school.

If any of the above apply, then mediation may well be for you.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Law Mediation – “But what about the Children?”

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In family cases involving children, the law is clear-the welfare of the child is the paramount consideration.

However, the adversarial UK court system that people so often use is such that even in the best run of cases, this all-important principle can be overlooked.

All too often separating couples and other relatives confuse what is in the child’s best interest with what they want and not uncommonly their lawyers end up writing tit-for-tat letters to one another which invariably include inflammatory and very hurtful contentions.

In all of this, the children can be forgotten. Their day-to-day lives suffer, their schoolwork suffers and the disruption in their routines can literally turn their lives upside down.

In some instances their long-term development can suffer. Non resident parents and their children can be separated for months!

Mediating child related disputes means that whilst bitterness and recrimination cannot be completely ignored, they are put in perspective.

Family mediators ensure that the disputing parties focus on what is important and help them to find common ground and forge a new found relationship that will help them work together in the future.

Going to mediation means that it is much more likely that a non resident parent will see his/her children more quickly and more often. For the children’s sake mediate!

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation – Family Disputes are not so Much Between Right and Wrong as Right and Right

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Does anyone remember the film, Annie Hall?

In one scene, the screen divides into two showing Annie played by Diane Keaton and Alvie, the Woody Allen character discussing their relationship with their analysts.

Alvie’s analyst asks him, “how often do you have sex together?” He replies-“Hardly ever! I’d say three times a week”.

In response to a similar question from her analyst Annie replies-“Constantly! I’d say three times a week”.

This exchange is not untypical of the emotionally charged disagreements that surface when couples separate.

All too often, e.g. when they are discussing things between themselves or being advised by their lawyers and certainly, when they are in court, this sort of issue which may have underlying significance is either put to one side or is ignored completely.

It is all too often forgotten that disagreements such as Annie and Alvie’s can have a very significant bearing on a couple’s relationship and how they deal with their breakup.

The net effect could be that such issues as child contact are not properly resolved and months or even years down the line the parties find that they are still in conflict with one another.

Mediators are not surrogate therapists or counsellors but in the course of the private, confidential sessions that they facilitate, issues such as those identified by Annie and Alvie can be given proper acknowledgement and if appropriate can be discussed.

Consideration of such issues might result in an acknowledgment by one or both parties which could in turn help them to draw a line and move on.

About Paul

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

 

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Divorce and Family Mediation

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Family Mediation

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What is the Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with Indifference?

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford – Civil Mediator and Tribunal Judge

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

This very insightful sentence, written by the renowned philosopher and academic, Elie Wiesel, essentially explains why so many partnerships and marriages flounder or fail.

In some instances, the split that is announced to friends comes as a surprise.  Neither they nor even the parties to the relationship themselves ever saw this coming.

After all the friends say, “neither of them of them was unfaithful and there was never any suggestion of abuse or nastiness”.

Some of these indifferent couples may get counselling or guidance but others may simply decide that enough is enough and take steps to formally terminate their relationship.

Some may end up in a room with a family mediator giving financial disclosure and discussing what arrangements should be made for their children. It may be that instead of one or either of the parties making what some would see as explicit or unrealistic demands, the mediator is confronted by a party who cannot be bothered.

An example of this would be one party not maintaining adequate levels of contact with the children of the relationship even where there is no objection to him or her doing so.

Family mediation is a voluntary as well as a flexible, confidential process that allows for the possibility of reconciliation.

In the course of separation one of the parties to a relationship, or indeed both, could decide to try and salvage the relationship. If they are in mediation their mediator will explain to them that they can either withdraw completely or else suspend the process for a fixed or even an indeterminate period. This might give them time to consider their options, possibly to try to regain what they once had and to  begin to build up trust in one another.

In these circumstances, is there a role for the mediator particularly as he or she must not adopt the mantle of counsellor or therapist?

Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with IndifferenceThe couple who are thinking of reconciling may either not go back to living with one another straightaway or have not yet reached the point that they feel able to discuss matters without some external input. If they decide to retain separate households, even in the short term, there may still be financial matters such as maintenance and child related issues such as contact to be resolved.

It might be that the initial split was caused by a couple’s disagreement about the best way to discipline and care for their children and they might benefit from the drawing up of a parenting plan.

Alternatively they may conceivably be in dispute about the running of a family business or the status of an extension built to accommodate a relative. One of the parties to the relationship may be in dire financial difficulty and irrespective of any wish to try and reconcile, may consider it necessary to take steps in order to protect him/herself and their children. Moreover, a couple’s therapist or counsellor may have advised that progress cannot be made until some legal issues are resolved and it well may be that skilful and timely input from a mediator saves the day.

In such cases, the family mediator has a vital role to play. He or she will very possibly change emphasis and no longer specifically use terms such as “divorce” or “clean break,” but the process of a mediator helping to facilitate an agreement may still be required.

What if it really is too late for a reconciliation and one or both parties simply decides that there is no point in considering reconciliation and opt to forge ahead?

In such circumstances, if the parties decide that that is what they want, the mediator may simply carry on with “plan A” and in the fullness of time a mutually acceptable settlement may be reached.

In the face of indifference from one or both parties part of the role of the family mediator is to accentuate the positives so as to help them to communicate better. In so doing the mediator will be able to help a couple to foster an improved level of trust that will enable them to reach an agreement and to behave towards each other in a more civilised manner.

Without this input which family mediators routinely provide and which helps disputing parties to overcome indifference in addition to  enmity or dislike, any negotiations or discussions may fail. If so there may be less likelihood of a divorced or separated couple communicating effectively with one another, perhaps for years to come.

About the Author

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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family mediation case study

Family Mediation – A Case Study

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

A dispute between a couple who divorced five years ago but where there have been ongoing difficulties between them

Frankie and Johnny were married for five years during which time they had two children, John and Jane who are now aged 10 and 12.

Initially they were very happy but five years ago a combination of economic and social factors, coupled with Frankie’s strong but incorrect suspicions that her husband was being unfaithful resulted in a very acrimonious divorce.

Although at that time their solicitors gave them balanced, sensible advice they fought bitterly over a range of financial issues.

They also argued extensively about how often they should each be able to spend time with John and Jane. Outwardly at least they resolved these issues. However, this was partly because they were both emotionally drained and partly because they had run up very large legal bills and just wanted to get things over and done with.

Although Frankie and Johnny were in principle prepared to work within the framework that their divorce settlement provided, they had not managed to resolve any of their personal differences and to date there has been a lot of ill disguised resentment on both sides.

This is particularly true of Johnny who had reluctantly agreed to sign the family home over to Frankie and now has to live in unsatisfactory and quite costly rented accommodation.

Because the children live with Frankie and only stay with him at weekends, he feels that his ex-wife is calling all the shots and that he is little more than what he terms “a meal provider”.

Frankie is not prepared to be at all flexible, interprets the settlement provisions about Johnny’s contact with the children very literally and repeatedly makes hurtful remarks to him.

Johnny retaliates by badmouthing Frankie in front of John and Jane even though it upsets them and is invariably late in making maintenance payments.

Each and every time they meet, Frankie and Johnny row, often in public or in front of the children. Frankie’s mother, Daphne, who has never liked Johnny and whom he considers to be an interfering busybody becomes involved and repeatedly criticises him in front of the children.

Recently, two or three mutual friends in whom Frankie and Johnny have both confided decided that enough was enough and strongly suggested that they go to family mediation.

family mediation case study
Family Mediation – A Case Study

Ostensibly, the purpose of the mediation is for them to revisit the question of how often Johnny sees John and Jane and to consider John’s stated wish that he has more say in his children’s upbringing, particularly their education.

Subsequently, in the process of initially speaking to Frankie and Johnny individually to see whether mediation is appropriate, it becomes apparent to the mediator, Angela, that although at first glance the original divorce settlement appears to have been quite sensible, in reality there are lots of unresolved issues. She initially suggests four sessions but because a lot of progress is made matters are resolved in three.

During their first session, Frankie and Johnny barely speak to one another.

However, once they have grasped that their mediator is not there to impose a settlement on them, they both privately concede that the other is “not all bad”. They both realise that for the first time they have the opportunity to speak to one another with facilitation from an objective, independent third party who is not a lawyer or a counsellor and is prepared to listen and to help them try to reach a settlement that they will both be comfortable with.

In subsequent sessions they are more focused. Johnny concedes that Frankie is a good mother and that it is in John and Jane’s best interests to live with her.

However, he asks her to acknowledge that he is doing his best in difficult circumstances, that he bitterly resents her suggestions of past infidelity on his part, and that his wish to play a more active role in the children’s day-to-day lives is genuine.  He also politely but very strongly suggests that Daphne stops interfering, something that in truth Frankie agrees with.

Having listened to Johnny, Frankie takes a step back. She acknowledges Johnny’s views and agrees that she will try to rein Daphne in.

The net effect is that although Frankie and Johnny do not resolve their personal differences, they agree that they have to put John and Jane first and that they have to try and be more civil with one another. Frankie agrees to be a little more flexible about access arrangements and to keep in touch with Johnny in order to discuss things such as the children’s schooling with him.

In turn Johnny agrees that unless there are any genuine difficulties he will make any required financial payments on time. Both agree that they will keep financial and other issues under review.

Frankie and Johnny liaise with their solicitors and decide not to request the court to make a consent order amending the order made at the time of their divorce. Instead with their solicitors’ help they record their revised agreement in correspondence.

The obvious benefit resulting from Frankie and Johnny going to mediation and entering into a written agreement is that John and Jane are much happier and feel much more secure.

Their parents have effectively saved themselves a good deal of anguish and upset and feel better able to get on with their lives. They have established some lines of communication and because they have to some extent accepted their own failings they are better placed to be civil to one another Their acrimonious feelings about one another do not melt away but they have at the very least agreed to disagree about such matters and they are able to put their animosities to one side.

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

[All names changed]

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