Erin Careless

Stepping Back From Step-parenting

When Stepping Back From Step-parenting is the best Option

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

I love to laugh.

Laughing is my favorite. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion that my laugh is quite recognizable for it’s volume and intensity ?

So the day my husband said, “It’s good to hear that laugh again”, it hit me.

Time to take stock. What was I doing? What wasn’t I doing? How was I living? Why wasn’t I laughing?

Let’s back up a bit.

There are some pretty common experiences that stepmoms have, and one of those is the challenge of different parenting styles.

Very commonly (and cited by many specialists in the field of stepfamilies), stepmom enters into a relationship with a man who is parenting (at least in part) from feelings of guilt. From the divorce, from not seeing his children full-time, from a variety of reasons, all of which make perfect sense.

Unfortunately, guilty parenting often means a lack of routine, expectations, rules, and boundaries.

This means stepmoms enter into an already formed family that might be operating under a bit of… chaos. The script for women in this society is to be managers of the home, so to speak, making sure things run smoothly. So, some stepmoms come into chaos and try to turn that into a “nuclear-like” home, with chore charts, bedtimes, and healthy meals.

Guess what?

That doesn’t often turn out very well.

And of course it doesn’t. Imagine kids are used to spending time with Daddy, getting all of his attention, and probably having very little in terms of rules.

Then “she” comes in, taking Daddy’s attention and love away from them, and suddenly they have to go to bed at eight o’clock and help with the dishes. Well, guess who isn’t very popular?

You can see how this doesn’t work from the kids’ perspective. What about her? She’s just doing what she feels is right. She’s trying to help her partner parent, and give the kids a happy, healthy home. What’s so wrong about that? Nothing. So what is she to do?

Well. Certainly there should be some open and honest conversations with her partner, where they talk TOGETHER about their expectations and hopes for their new family.

If they BOTH choose to make some changes together, Dad should be the one to initiate these changes with the children. In a family meeting, these new changes can be discussed with everyone present, so the children know that stepmom has some authority too.

This is pretty much the ideal.

Not necessarily the typical.

So, what happens when stepmom and her partner talk, and she suggests some parenting changes that he doesn’t agree with. Or he agrees, but is reluctant to enforce these changes with the children.

Does she continue hoping these changes will be made? Does she keep raising the same conversation, which ends up in an argument because they are both frustrated?

Does she silently stew over the way he parents, all the while carrying out other parenting tasks like cooking, cleaning, and laundry? In other words, does she continue to take on the labor of a parent without having the decision-making power and respect that a parent has?

She could…

OR…

She can step back.

Step back from some of those responsibilities and let Dad do the parenting work. He is the parent after all.

You can have a conversation with him, letting him know that because you feel as though you’re not a parenting team together, that you are going to step back and let him parent. You will focus on your relationship with him, not on being another caretaker of his kids.

This can be tough to do, but it can also save your marriage. The stress and tension that can be created when you are not a parenting team, when you don’t support one another as the adults of the home, when you don’t act as a united front together… it can erode the strongest of unions.

So back to me. A couple of big changes had thrown our stepfamily life for a loop.

First of all, we moved to a different province, a ten-hour drive from the kids. This is temporary, but definitely challenging. My husband misses his kids dearly, and they miss him.

Instead of weekly or bi-weekly visits with them, we were seeing them a few times a year for longer chunks of time.

Secondly was the arrival of “ours” baby Grace. A little treasure, she has completed our family. And I’m not going to lie, it feels nice to be #1 in someone’s eyes!

At the time of the laughing comment, we had the kids for the whole summer. My husband had the second half of the summer off from work, but for the first half I was home with the three kids.

A baby is a lot of work, as many of you likely know, and I was a bit overwhelmed at suddenly having to make a lot of meals, work on a nap schedule, and keep up with laundry for five people among other things.

Add to that the fact that hubby and I differ significantly on our opinions of things like appropriate screen time and activities for the kids. He’s laid back and chill, I’m type-A and a planner.

He’s also got some of that “guilty dad” going on, which I understand in theory, but find frustrating. So we were living the typical stepfamily experience – him running around doing everything for the kids, me silently seething about our lack of structure. Him not seeing my side, me not seeing his. Danger.

I knew what was happening. I knew what this was. I knew it was typical, but that didn’t stop me from doing my part. The sighing, the frowning, the leaving the room.

And then my husband said something funny, and I laughed. And then he said, “it’s good to hear that laugh again”. And THEN I knew. I had to step back. I had to tell him what I was doing and why, but I had to step back and let him be “daddy”.

It’s not easy, and it wasn’t perfect, but I tried every day to focus on what I could control and let the rest go.  There were some small changes around the house, but I still left those decisions up to him.

Parenting my daughter is a negotiation between the two of us, but with stepfamily life sometimes you have to let go a little, set some boundaries, and take care of yourself.

Some stepmoms will feel guilty doing this. I get that for sure. But think about it. Who is the parent? HE is. Who has the power to make changes in the household and require that the children stick to these changes? HE does. Who has the authority to tell children that stepmom needs to be respected in the home? HE does.

Some stepmoms will have the same level of parenting authority as her partner, which is wonderful, but only comes with a lot of communication and support from him. The kids need to see you as a parenting team, if that’s what you want to be.

The hardest part of this gig is finding what works for you and your family.

But there is no shame or selfishness in stepping back and letting a parent be a parent. Don’t force yourself into a role that doesn’t work for you. And mostly, take care of yourself, because no matter what, you can’t pour from an empty vessel. Oh, and laugh. Laughing is good for the soul.

Breathe deep, love deeper,

About Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

/

The Step Mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Stepkids

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the stepkids is part 4 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily, Boundaries with the Man and Boundaries with ex-wife

A lot of stepmoms go overboard trying to “win the kids over”.

Whether intentionally or otherwise, they may put all their energy into doing nice things for the kids, never saying no to any demands, buying them gifts, and generally bending over backwards.

I hate to break it to you, but this WILL fail.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to love a man who has kids, and to realize that you are an outsider to their little family unit.

You can’t do anything about that – it’s life. You weren’t there from the beginning, swaddling them as newborns, cleaning every little scratch, comforting them when they are sick.

Some stepmoms are there from a very early age, but I know I came into my stepkids lives when they were 5 and 7, and I absolutely was the outsider coming in.

Setting boundaries with children is tough, but a necessary part of raising mature, capable, responsible human beings. It’s perhaps harder when they’re not biologically yours and you’re trying to put your best foot forward.

Let’s say you have a twelve year old stepdaughter who is with you and her dad every second weekend. Some of those nights, your partner is called into work for an emergency and you are left with your stepdaughter to watch movies, have snacks, or whatever the night brings. All goes well until bedtime.

The last few times it’s been just the two of you, she has convinced you to let her stay up until midnight – way past her bedtime. You really feel as though you can’t say no, and when you try to she gives you “the pout” and you cave instantly.

boundaries with the stepkids
Managing Boundaries with the stepkids – talk to your partner

Your man has set a 10:30pm bedtime schedule, and makes her stick to it when he’s home, but when it’s the two of you the rules go out the window. Initially you started letting her stay up so you could spend quality time together, but now she spends that time texting friends and searching funny videos on YouTube.

Here we go – Boundaries with the Stepkids:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

Do you think she’ll hate you if you stick to the house rules around bedtime? Do you think your partner will be upset if there is any strife between you and his daughter? Do you think it will make you an evil stepmother if you make her go to bed?

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

What will happen if you make her go to bed, reminding her that her dad set bedtime at 10:30, so you are following his guidance? Will she be grumpy and pissy? Sure. But you know what? She’ll get over it. And in fact, she might actually respect you for not being a doormat. Will your partner get mad at you for enforcing his rule? No.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

You may want to talk to your partner about this. Inform him that you’ve been lax on the bedtime schedule, but that you’d like to get on a predictable routine with your stepdaughter. Ask him to remind her of the 10:30 bedtime when he leaves for work, and if she moans and pouts, tell her that you’re only following what her dad has said. It doesn’t have to be all on you – after all, he is the dad. Again, the most important thing is that you stick to it!

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

One night, a few months after you decided to stick to a routine bedtime, you realize that your stepdaughter went to bed without batting an eyelid. She’s been happier and perkier in the mornings because she’s getting more sleep, and you’ve felt much more comfortable turning off the TV at 10:30 and giving her the heave-ho. Not much has really changed in the grand scheme of things, but you feel happier and more connected to your stepdaughter.

Click here for more articles by Erin Careless

About Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

Boundaries with the ex-wife
sc72ov4g

The Step mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the ex-wife is part 3 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily and Boundaries with the Man.

 

This is a tricky one.

Experiences with the ex can range from “we’re all friends and vacation together with the kids”, to “we criticize each other over text messages and in person…”

We cannot change the fact that there is an ex-wife in our lives, but we do have a choice in how, of even if, we engage with her.

We have a responsibility to understand that our partner was married (or in a relationship) before and had children – otherwise we wouldn’t be stepmoms!

But we also have a right to protect ourselves from negative behavior (and hopefully it doesn’t come to that).

There are many situations where mom and stepmom are the ones who have the most contact among the adults in the family. I know lots of women who plan the kids schedules with the biomom, talk about the kids’ school and behaviour together, and generally have a cooperative and peaceful friendship.

This is amazing, and absolutely the ideal. If your stepkids can feel the safety and security that comes with a connected, loving family unit… what a gift.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and my stepfather has been in my life from that point on.

When my husband and I got married (almost two decades after my parents’ divorce), it gave me such pride and pleasure to see my Dad and Stepfather talking to one another – getting along and being together at this very important time for me and my family.

Just imagine how great that can feel for kids who are still getting used to divorce and change. As much as possible, try to be positive, supportive, and most importantly – be empathetic. Not only are you dating or married to her ex-husband, but you are spending time with her children, and that can’t be easy for anyone.

So you try your best to be kind and understanding, and beyond that… it’s not up to you. The only thing you can control is you.

In discussing her encounters with the ex-wife, Katz (2010) says, “In order to be happier and make peace with the situation, I made a conscious choice to focus on what I could control and to live in the present, rather than worrying about what might, or might not, occur in the future”.

It’s not always easy, but the best thing you can do for you, your partner, you (step)children, and your health and well-being, is to not engage in drama. And certainly not to initiate it. Just remember: kids know when there is strife.

If you’re reading this right now thinking, “But it’s not me!” then my suggestion to you is to create a boundary so that negativity doesn’t break through into your family unit.

For example: You have offered to pick-up and drop-off your stepson every other weekend when your partner is at work. You have been picking him up after school on Fridays from his mom’s house, and meeting her in town to drop your stepson off on Sunday afternoons.

On Fridays, when you go to the ex’s house, she often makes a critical comment about the way you and your husband care for her son – maybe about the food he ate or how late he stayed up. It’s exhausting and frustrating, because you put a lot of time and effort into taking care of the little man.

On Sundays, when you arrive at the designated meeting spot, she is almost always late, and in front of you asks her son what he did and ate over the weekend. You could be wrong, but you feel judgment coming from her, and it is not comfortable.

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself in this situation? What can you do? She is the mom and you feel guilty enough being in a relationship with her ex-husband and spending time with her kid. You get so frustrated when she is rude and late, but you don’t want to get angry in front of your stepson.

You don’t feel you have any right to speak up because you’re not the “real mom”, even though you do take care of him an awful lot, and worry about him like a parent does. You don’t want to disappoint your husband by complaining or saying that the situation isn’t working for you – after all, if you didn’t help out he wouldn’t get to see his son very much.

boundaries with the ex-wife
Boundaries with the ex-wife.   Identify your inner thoughts.
  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

You can feel guilty – it’s natural. But their marriage ended, and it had nothing to do with you. You are taking care of her son part-time, and are doing a mighty good job of it. It’s up to you and your husband what food you serve in your house, and you always make healthy meals.

Your husband wouldn’t be upset with you – he knows how hard you’re trying to build a relationship with his son. The reasons she is upset may not actually have anything to do with you, they could be her own frustrations or concerns.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

After a conversation with your partner, you decide to change things up a little bit. On Fridays you will pick your stepson up from school, instead of from his mom’s house. This not only gives you a little more time with him, but also allows you to bypass the awkward encounter with the ex.

As for Sundays, you offer to drop the kids off at her house directly, which gives you control over the time. It seems as though you are doing her a big favor, and you are, but it actually saves you time in the long run. Instead of having a conversation in a parking lot, you can help the kids out of the car, watch them go in the door, and wave from the safety of the sidewalk. No more drills about food, bedtimes, or TV time. At least not when you’re there, and that’s all you can control.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Three months later, as you are dropping the kids off at their moms on a Sunday afternoon, waving goodbye and pulling away, you let out a sigh of relief and smile. You have less stress, less frustration, and more control in your life. Your partner is fully supportive of the change and you decide to maintain it. Forever!

Okay, these are examples, and not necessarily guaranteed outcomes. But the idea is – you do have control over your life, your decisions, and your behavior. Remember that your health and happiness impact that of others around you.

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

Look out for the next article on this series on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Step kids.

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

Image on page:photo credit: building castles in the air via photopin (license)

Feature Photo:photo credit: really? via photopin (license)

You might be interested in

Boundaries with the man
/

The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Man

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the man is part 2 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace. Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily which is Part 1.

 

I know what you’re thinking. People in love shouldn’t have boundaries!

Au contraire mon cher, au contraire.

Again, boundaries are not negative. They help you to navigate the roles, responsibilities, and expectations of yourself and others. They allow you to express your needs in a space of care and compassion.

So let’s say hubby works 9-5, and you start work in the afternoons.

He has started getting up and heading out the door without waking up the stepkids or doing anything to prepare for the morning rush that has you rousing grumpy and grumpier, throwing together lunches, and combing down hair as you run out the door to drive them to school. It’s stressful, exhausting, and you are starting to resent the sound of the door slamming behind him as he whistles his way to the car.

Let’s look at our four steps in establishing boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

You don’t want to say anything to your hubby because you don’t want him to think you are complaining about his kids being at the house. You don’t want to add more stress to his day and make him think you are not meeting him half way in this marriage. You don’t want him to think you don’t like his children.

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Will he really feel that way about you? Does he have any idea about how much you struggle in the mornings? He’s probably not changing because he thinks there is nothing to change – he’s not a mind-reader. He knows you really like spending time with the kids, but maybe doesn’t realize how this stress is affecting your work too.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Before you blow up and yell about how awful your mornings are, take some time to think about what would make this situation better.

You don’t mind driving the kids to school at all, but perhaps it would be easier if hubby woke them up and got them started before he left. Making lunches the night before would also save lots of time and stress.

Over dinner one night, when the stepkids are with their mom, you pour two glasses of wine and say, “I’d really like to talk with you about something, would this be a good time?” And then you talk about what you have been thinking and feeling.

Refrain from complaining about how grumpy the kids are – no need to hurt his feelings – but clearly let him know that the mornings are really stressful and you need a hand. Chances are he has no idea how upset you’ve been and hopefully he’s willing to do whatever he can to alleviate that stress.

  1. At the end of the school term, you talk about how much smoother the days run, now that the kids lunches and backpacks are ready to go the night before, and that dear hubby gets the grumpy faces when he wakes them up (don’t feel bad, they’re his kids!). You find you get along with the kids better than before, and you no longer shoot imaginary daggers at the door when your man leaves. You decide to keep this routine going, and if there’s the odd morning that hubby has to leave early, you don’t mind filling in at all.

Click here for Part 3 – Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

Boundaries and the Stepfamily
/

The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries and the Stepfamily

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

When you arrive at work, do you greet your boss with a kiss on the lips?

Do you invite the grocery store clerk to family dinner at your house? Do you complain about period pain to the FedEx guy delivering your Downton Abbey box set?

No.

Well, hopefully you said no…

You don’t do these things because we have boundaries that guide much of our behavior. Sure, some people may have a very close relationship with their higher-ups at work, or have no filter when it comes to their “monthlies”, but generally speaking, we follow social and cultural norms and boundaries of behavior.

Just as these types of boundaries guide our behavior, we can create boundaries in our own lives to protect us from things that are dangerous, unwanted, or unhealthy, while allowing us to experience things that are positive, healthy, and desired.

Think of a boundary as a window: it can be closed completely to protect us from the elements, or open slightly for a bit of fresh air, or open wide for the sun, heat, and birdsong to flow in. A closed window is not necessarily closed forever; rather, it can be opened when the time is right.

Establishing boundaries allows us to teach others how we want to be treated.

An example: Imagine your sister calls one day and asks you to pick her kids up from school, and then bring them to your house until she gets off work. You agree because you want to help her out and you love your niece and nephew. The next week, she calls and asks you to do the pick up again. You do.

The next week, you are out for coffee with a friend when your sister calls yet again and asks you to help her out. You say that you’d like to, but you’re out with a friend and can’t do it. She gets upset and says, “Well what am I supposed to do?” to which you guiltily reply that you’ll do it. You leave your friend and your untouched cappuccino, and race to the school, fuming inside.

Now, of course there’s nothing wrong with helping out friends and family – that’s what we do. However, it’s another to take on someone else’s responsibilities.

Some people will keep asking if you keep agreeing, and you can’t really blame them. So, on a day when the kids aren’t in school, have a conversation with your sister about how much you love her and her kids. Perhaps in an emergency you might be able to help here and there, but otherwise you are often out or working, and won’t be able to do the pick-up.

She may have thought you genuinely enjoyed doing it, and so didn’t think you were inconvenienced, who knows? Either way, if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries, you and the people around you are less likely to be hurt or disappointed or taken advantage of.

You can create boundaries in every aspect of your life (time, work, finances, relationships, health, etc.), to help you when you feel vulnerable or pulled in too many directions. Sounds good, right? But remember that boundaries are not a quick fix, and are not guaranteed to have the desired impact.

However, as Newcomb Marine and Korf  say, “When used conscientiously, boundaries can provide you with distance and protection from unwanted behavior, but you must continue to customize them for your unique situation until you find what works”. Therefore, we need to think of boundaries as evolving and fluid. Down the road you may wish to reevaluate and modify the situation, so do not treat it as something set in stone.

Boundaries and the Stepfamily
Boundaries and the Stepfamily – Think of a boundary as a window.

For stepmoms, boundaries are extremely important. Unfortunately, for many women who take on this role, it is difficult to negotiate and maintain boundaries that can support a happy and healthy life.

I cannot stress enough – boundaries are your friends!

Katz  says: “[Boundary violations] are the emotional equivalent of having someone step on your toes. At the very least, boundary violations can be annoying; at worst, they can erode our self-esteem”. I would add that when boundaries continue to be violated over extended periods of time, relationships can crumble along with family stability.

So, how do we avoid this doom and gloom and establish boundaries?

I’m glad you asked!

You may find yourself experiencing unease, or a nagging feeling that just won’t go away; a feeling that suggests something in your life isn’t going well and needs to change. When you recognize that feeling as a violation of your boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself that is preventing you from changing a situation, behavior, or expectation? Are you catastrophizing the situation? Projecting your assumptions on to others? Do you think that if you make your feelings known you’ll be seen as a bad partner/wife/stepmom?

 

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Is this inner monologue realistic? Does anyone validate those feelings? What would really happen if you spoke up? Would you be happier and healthier if things changed? Can you go on feeling like this forever?

This step is akin to someone with anxiety questioning their unrealistic beliefs (trust me, I know from experience!) by asking “What if?” after any catastrophic thinking. “I can’t speak to a crowd”. “What if you did?” “I would be shaking”. “What if you were?” “I might throw up”. “What if you did?” “I’d be embarrassed”. “What if you were embarrassed?”… This shows someone they are making a small thing into a huge, unmanageable situation.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Think about what you honestly need to feel happy, safe, and supported (at least most of the time… we are only human!), and talk about this with the person/people involved. This will look differently depending on who is concerned.

You shouldn’t have a problem getting your partner to sit down for a heart-to-heart, but may not be able to talk to the stepkids’ biomom in the same way. If you can… wow. With your partner you may come to the boundary together after discussing the situation. Either way, try to be as clear as possible at this stage, and don’t back down from what it is you need.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Boundaries need to be strong, but also fluid. Revisit any boundaries you set to see if it is working for you and meeting your needs, and if it needs to be modified or updated.

Don’t fall into the trap of seeing change and dropping the boundary altogether… it’s working because of the boundary! Make changes slowly and conscientiously. The most important aspect of setting boundaries is sticking to them. It can be hard work, especially in the beginning, but change only comes with consistency. (Isn’t that written in a parenting book somewhere…?)

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

So, now that we’ve covered the step-by-step guide to boundaries, over the next few days we will look at a few examples from a stepmom’s point of view starting with “Boundaries with the Man.”

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

On Being a Stepmom over Christmas

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless Certified Stepfamily Coach

For me, Christmas has been a bit of a balancing act for many years.

Children of divorce can appreciate the “okay, so I’ll spend Christmas Eve at Mom’s and on Christmas Day I’ll go to Dad’s, and then at noon on Boxing Day back to Mom’s for the…” shuffle. Wanting to make sure you spend enough time with family while also hitting the Ugly Sweater parties and baking batches of sugar cookies.

Actually, I have it pretty good.

My Dad never remarried, but he has a large group of close friends who take it in turn to hold Christmas dinner each year for the ten to twelve of them. They all bring a dish to help share the cooking, and my Dad is quite famous for bringing his traditional “bag-of-on-sale-dinner-rolls”! It’s a great tradition, and I love that he has this group of people in his life.

So Christmas Day dinner is usually spent with my Mom and stepdad Henry, with the occasional Aunt or family friend in tow.

No matter how much time has passed or how happy everyone is in their lives, I still worry that I’m spending enough quality time with both parents. And now, there’s a very “full circle” thing happening where I find myself in the role of stepmom! Big stuff, I know.

Two things come to mind right away. First of all, there are even more people tossed into the Christmas juggling act!

Secondly, and much more importantly, I see two little versions of myself who are going to feel the stress of the holidays in their own lives.

Inspired by that realization, and my own experiences, I’ve put together a few suggestions for stepfamilies that are relevant every day of the year, but particularly at Christmas.

So pour some mulled wine, deck those halls, and get ready for a happier, healthier holiday season for you and your family!

  1. Be supportive of sharing time

Even if the intentions are good, remember that the kids are the ones who will be sharing their time.  Don’t say things like, “I wish you were staying here on Christmas Eve” or “I guess we’ll wait until you’re back to open presents”…

Yes, it can be frustrating to have plans change, or upsetting not to have everyone together at Christmas, but that is not the fault of the kiddos. Trust me that they will likely feel guilt about being in one house and not the other, and it’s your responsibility as a parent or stepparent to alleviate that as best you can.

Be positive about the time the kids will spend with the other parent. Something along the lines of, “You’ll have a couple of days at your mom’s, and when you come back we’ll have another Christmas morning!” Hopefully, the two homes can peacefully decide on a schedule for the holidays to keep stress to a minimum, and rather than focus on when the kids aren’t there, have fun when they are!

For us, the kids’ bio mom (BM) doesn’t really celebrate Christmas. As with many other aspects of life, she and I are very different. I absolutely love Christmas! The baking, the carols, the lights, giving to others… the whole shebang.

Stepmom over Christmas
Stepmom over Christmas – don’t go overboard.

Last year we had the kids for Christmas, and it was wonderful. A few weeks ago, the kids said that they would be spending Christmas at their Mom’s since they were here last year. They’re already thinking of these things at 7 and 9. But actually, they will be here again this year, which we are so happy about.

We are conscious of making sure that they know this was decided by both their Mom and Dad, and that it will be a lovely family holiday.

  1. Don’t go overboard

Sometimes we stepmoms feel a desire to “win over” our partner’s kids.  It’s tempting to do whatever we can to get results as quickly as possible – where results are kids who like us.

During the holidays, this desire can mean going overboard in your role as a new “Santa”.  Rather than (well-intentioned) earning love with gifts, give kids the time and space they need to feel comfortable with you and the new family dynamics. Focus on building bonds through shared activities (maybe baking cookies or watching classics like A Christmas Story or It’s Christmastime, Charlie Brown).

It takes time for stepfamilies to find their groove… years not months.

For those with a lack of patience (ahem, ahem, me), it’s a constant reminder to be happy with every small step forward our family takes.

When I run a half-marathon, I don’t look to the Finish line 21 kilometres away. I take each kilometre one at a time, breaking the journey into mini-races. The same philosophy applies – take it one step at a time. And stay hydrated! Haha.

  1. Give yourself a break

A la National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, rarely do the holidays run smoothly. The turkey is dry, the tree is crooked, the dog ate the chocolate, and the kids have the stomach flu.

One of the things I struggle with most in life is my desire to control… well, everything. I have to constantly remind myself to relax. To give myself a break. To ask myself the age-old anxiety question – so what? What if the kids are grumpy on Christmas morning? So what? What if I burn the mashed potatoes and serve mushy carrots? So what? Nothing bad will happen and no one will dwell on the little bumps.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, take some time out for yourself. If you have a space in your home that is off-limits to the kids (and you should), go there! Take a book and a cup of tea, and be amazed at the difference an hour of peace and quiet can make. You’re doing great.

  1. Start new traditions

Becoming a stepmom means joining a family with already-established traditions and a shared history. You begin as an outsider, and it’s a long journey to finding your place in the family.

Rather than focusing on what you’ve missed, slowly start building new traditions with your partner and his kids.

In an article from PsychCentral, stepfamilies are compared to newlyweds in the sense that the holiday season involves developing new traditions with a growing family. However, steps have to deal with the added complications of custody, ex-wives, financial demands, and bonding with the kiddos.

Last year we got the kids involved in donating toys for kids living with their moms at a women’s shelter. This year they have picked out food for the food bank. It’s never too early to start traditions of caring and involvement in their community, especially when Santa is bringing them some nice gifts on the 25th.

We also started a Christmas Eve Box tradition. We wrap up new PJs, a Christmas movie, and hot chocolate mix in a box and let the kids open it after dinner. They get into their new PJs and watch the movie, getting more excited by the minute. I make them hot chocolate, and before bed, we leave out some snacks for Santa and the reindeer.

Last year, W said aloud as she put carrots onto a plate: “this one is for Rudolph, this one is for Blitzen, this one is for… um… Splitzen” haha. Look at that! We already have a funny Christmas memory to laugh about!

More love and more fun for a kid can never be a bad thing. Enjoy this time of year and teach your kids and stepkids about the spirit of generosity.

Make plans but don’t freak out if things don’t go as expected. And above all else, take time to be grateful for the people you love.

Oh, and get lots of salted butter for your baking!

And make sure the wine rack is full!

And…

 

Breathe deep, love deeper,

Erin

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her fiancée Matt will marry later this year, and share their home with Matt’s two little ones – 8-year-old Oliver and 6-year-old Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

on being a stepmum

On Being a Stepmom – Lessons Passed Down

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless

A few weeks ago I attended a silent auction fundraiser with two lovely ladies who also happen to be stepmoms (yes, we ARE everywhere). Conversation moved easily from work to travel to husbands to how much we spend on our hair.

Toward the end of the evening, after we had lost all of our bids, not won the 50/50 (this is why I don’t play the lottery), and had a couple of glasses of wine, the talk moved to steplife.

Interestingly, the three of us represented a kind of “time scale of stepmothering”:

Stepmom 1: in relationship 1.5 years; stepkids ages 7-9
Stepmom 2: in relationship 5 years; stepkids ages 13-20
Stepmom 3: in relationship 12 years; stepkids ages 20-28

As Stepmom 1, I saw this as a great opportunity to get a glimpse of what life looks like down the road. It was like meeting with a psychic who can’t actually tell you concrete details of your future. So… it was like meeting with a psychic!

Just kidding… if you’re a psychic please email me. Maybe you can help me with this 50/50 lotto thing.

Anyway, we shared some stories and experiences, commiserating on issues around money, parenting, expectations, and of course, the bio mom. It was fascinating to see how stepfamily situations change as children grow up, to see how dynamics and perspectives shift. I know what you’re thinking, every situation is different and the life of another stepmom in no way reflects what is in store for me and my family. You’re right. But I still found such value in hearing their stories.

A couple of things I learned:

Lesson #1. As time passes, stepmoms may maintain a level of distance with their stepkids.

Both Stepmom 2 and Stepmom 3 are intelligent, busy, independent women that I look up to in many ways. In my mind, I had imagined growing closer to my stepkids over time. After all, any relationship grows through stages of familiarity – why should this be any different?

What I heard from my table companions that evening is that despite years spent with their partners, their relationships with their stepkids did not necessarily become stronger or tighter; rather, they came to develop a mutual respect and acceptance of one another. While they supported their partners in parenting and were a part of family holidays, dinners, and celebrations, Stepmoms 2 and 3 ultimately focused on their marriage and let the dads do the dad-work.

Lesson #2. When all is said and done, it doesn’t get any easier.

I know, I know, this sounds very negative and pessimistic. I can see your heads all hanging in mutual resignation. But not so fast! I think this is actually a good thing. Allow me to explain…

stepmotherhoodThere are a lot of challenges and complexities when you form a stepfamily (duh, right?), and for me, I always focused on the future… “Oh things will be easier down the road”… “The longer I’m in the kids’ lives, the closer we’ll get”… “The co-parenting issues won’t bother me as much when we’ve been together for years”…

When, until, after, then, tomorrow, next year, a few years, teenagers, college, later, later, later, later, later…

To be honest, the notion that it doesn’t really get easier gave me a sense of relief. Now I could stop waiting for that magical time when things were suddenly easier, better, predictable, stress-free. I could accept that this life, steplife, is tough, and that’s okay. You’re not failing if you get frustrated, you’re not failing if you cry, you’re not failing if you need to take a weekend away to recharge. You’re not failing if you’re not a “bonus mom” to your stepkids.

(As a side note, I think that term is crap. It makes me think of that slightly larger bottle of shampoo in the drug store that promises 20% more than your regular sized bottle. I don’t see myself as adding more of what their mom gives them. I can hold a separate place in their lives, and love them and support them, but I’m not an extra mom. I’m just regular ol’ me, and I like to think I bring something new and different to their lives. You may not agree, and that’s totally okay. Whatever term, title, name, works for you – embrace it! No matter what, your stepkids are lucky to have such an amazing person in their lives) J

Anyhoo, back to the discussion at hand. Where was I? Oh right, the lessons I learned. You can stop waiting for the pieces to fall into place. You can stop putting pressure on the future and on your family, because there will always be negotiations to make, boundaries pushed and implemented, highs and lows, tears and laughter.

My relationship with my two stepkids has without doubt grown in strength, trust, and affection. So I don’t think Lesson #1 will be true for me. As I write this, nine year-old O is playing a game on the iPad, smooshed up against me on my kind sized bed. He periodically breaks my concentration by saying, “Look at this! Look at the bad guy! Watch me build a castle!”, and I couldn’t ask for a better interruption.

So there’s no telling what the situation will look like in five, ten, twenty years. Well, there’s no telling what’s in store tomorrow, let alone years from now! I guess we try to make each day a good one for the people we love, and stop focusing so much on what’s to come. Sounds simple, because it really is.

And honestly, if that means taking three hours to write this instead of one, because I’m also being taught how to play Minecraft, bring it on. Lesson learned.

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her fiancée Matt will marry later this year, and share their home with Matt’s two little ones – 8 year-old Oliver and 6 year-old Waverleigh .

You might be interested in

Now that you are a stepmum

Tips of the Trade – Now that you’re a Stepmum

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless. Certified Stepfamily Coach

Sometimes, as stepmoms, we can get lost in the day-to-day… schedules, pick-ups, drop-offs, what’s for dinner, money, bonding with the stepkids, making date night with the hubby, the “who-is-going-to-be-where-and-when”.

And when we get lost, it helps to have a few simple tips in your back pocket (or your tote, or your beaded clutch – whatever floats your boat) to remind you of some key steplife strategies. My stepkids have been doing a lot of reading work lately, so naturally I decided to go with an A, B, C format.

Always practice self-care. For you to be of any good to others, you have to make sure you are healthy – mentally and physically.

I know, I know, it’s easy to say that when I’m writing in my room after the kids have gone to bed, but it’s another story when they’re tugging on your sleeve asking for more milk, the dog is pacing by the back door, and you promised to bake a lemon meringue pie for the family dinner this weekend, and, and, and…

But you may be surprised at what happens when you make yourself a priority.

You come home from yoga or a coffee date with girlfriends, to find that everything and everyone is still in one piece. Or, if it isn’t quite up to snuff, at least you have the renewed mental energy to deal with it.

As Rachelle Katz says in The Happy Stepmother: 10 Steps to a Fulfilling New Life: “Too many stepmothers cannot achieve our purpose in life because our time is consumed trying to fix the problems in our stepfamilies. As a result, we feel overwhelmed, out of control, angry, depressed and resentful. You can reduce or even eliminate such destructive feelings if you take the time to fit self-care into your daily routine”.

Of course, not every problem can be remedied with self-care, but it can be a rejuvenating space for you to unwind, take a break, and recharge your batteries. It sets a great example for the kids in your life too, as they see you prioritizing your health.

Self-care looks different for everyone, and I’m not necessarily talking about a spa retreat (I wish)… it’s about taking a few minutes for YOU. Here are some suggestions to get you started, but you’ll find what works best for you.

  • Exercise
  • Yoga/meditation
  • Mantras
  • Grab a good book and head to a coffee shop
  • Keep a journal
  • Meet a friend for a catch-up
  • Take a class in something that interests you
  • Locking the bedroom door and watching anything with Ryan Gosling in it

Boundaries can save your marriage, and your stepfamily. Some people have the notion that boundaries are a bad thing, akin to putting up a wall around you.

boundaries
Now that you’re a Stepmum, remember boundaries can save your marriage, and your stepfamily.

However, as Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Jenna Korf state in Skirts at War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict, “When used conscientiously, boundaries can provide you with distance and protection from unwanted behavior. But you must continue to customize them for your unique situation until you find what works”.

If your husband’s ex-wife is frequently texting you with critical comments about how you care for the children, calmly tell her that you will be blocking her number and all communication will go through your husband from now on.

Most important boundary advice? Stick to it! If you waver, the behavior will not change. Stay strong ladies!

Perhaps your husband does not believe in a scheduled bed time for his young children.

This flies in the face of the 8pm pjs/teeth brushed/story time/lights out routine you had imagined. You are typically the one trying to get the kids up and out of bed in the mornings when they’re grumpy, won’t eat their Cheerios, put their shirts on inside out, and grunt in response to any question… It’s exhausting and frustrating.

After having socks thrown at you most mornings for the past few months, you calmly broached the subject with your husband, telling him that it would make your mornings much easier if they went to bed at a reasonable time.

Many conversations later, he still has not budged, so you decide to protect yourself by setting up a boundary. You let him know that you will be leaving the morning routine to him from now on, and you’ll start your day with a stroll around the block with Arthur (family dog) instead.

Your husband may come around and see your view after a few unruly mornings, or he may not. Either way, you are protecting yourself from the negative behavior that he is inadvertently causing.

Ideally, you are a stepcoupling team, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way and you’ve got to look out for yourself.

Communication, communication, communication! There is no relationship that  has ever suffered from too much communication. With all the challenges that come with living in a stepfamily, it is critical that you and your hubby are able to honestly share your thoughts and feelings. Of course, within reason.

Biological parents have a different tolerance level for their own children’s behavior, so there is no need to burst his bubble by telling him all the ways that his kid drove you nuts today. But if there is something that could be changed to make your life easier and more comfortable, by all means – speak up! Let him know if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, need a break, would like the kids to help out a bit more around the house, would appreciate a date night, etc.

Remember, he’s a husband, not a mind-reader.

Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green in Stepcoupline: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family say that you need to “discuss your feelings with your spouse as best you can. Unspoken issues fester, and partners distance themselves from each other. Risky as honesty sometimes seems, the alternative is worse: a relationship in which you can’t be honest”.

Not only is communication key in your marriage, but it is also essential for co-parents.

Hopefully your husband and his ex are on at least civil terms, for the kids’ sake and for everyone else’s. But if they just cannot communicate in a healthy or productive way, perhaps parallel parenting is the key. In this situation, parents do not communicate unless absolutely necessary.

Each house has its own set of rules and parents do not work together to match those routines or expectations. No communication is better than hostile communication.

Last, but of course far from least, is the communication between your husband and his kids, and between you all as a stepfamily.

Kids should always be confident that mom and dad love them very much, and (when the time is right and if it feels right for you) that stepmom loves them too. Open lines of communication can stop little minds from worrying, and while the group chats are very important (around house rules and vacation plans), dad should make time to talk to the kiddos on his own.

Start and end the conversation with hugs and I love you’s.

So, there it is. Three quick tips for your steplife success:

  • Always practice self-care
  • Boundaries can save your marriage and family
  • Communication

Life is busy and complicated, but a few small changes can go a long way to having a more peaceful life.

On that note, my wine and bubble bath await… one of my preferred self-care practices.

Breathe deep, love deeper,

Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her fiancée Matt will marry later this year, and share their home with Matt’s two little ones – 8 year-old Oliver and 6 year-old Waverleigh .

 

You might be interested in