Anna Pinkerton

You’ve found yourself in a relationship with a partner who began to physically and emotionally hurt you.

Four things I can guarantee you:

1)     It is not your fault

2)    You could not and cannot help the person who did this to you

3)    You feel ASHAMED of being with such a person

4)    You deserve more than this person could ever give you

Recovery from such a physically and emotionally tormenting place is a tough journey I can’t ‘dress that up’.  It can feel harder than surviving the relationship itself.  The reason why is whilst you are in it you can feel hope.  When it has gone beyond hope we are left only with the physical, emotional and consequent psychological injuries.

Finding yourself with a partner who cannot truly cherish you, and has resorted to ridicule, control, and violence, means all your dreams and hopes for the loving relationship you envisaged are gone.

Shame becomes so familiar that we don’t even realise it.  Shame becomes the controller like the perpetrator was.  It keeps us feeling small, powerless and hidden away.

This will feel familiar to you I’m sure.  Shame starts in the relationship and goes beyond it too.   It’s comes on the school run, it becomes our bed fellow; it stops us eating or makes us eat too much; it goes to family gatherings with us; it’s with us in the queue of a shop.  This is your reality and due to something that is no fault of your own.

What’s the positive in SHAME?

The positive way of looking at shame is that initially it keeps us safe; it’s keeps our lives small enough for us to even believe we can recover.  We need time to recover from our physical and emotional injuries and we need to become strong enough to combat the shame.

What’s the negative in SHAME?

Shame I’m afraid quickly starts to work against us.  It is the sheer agony of ridicule and public humiliation, and it doesn’t serve us at all.

Shame keeps us small, powerless and in fact only serves the perpetrators of this kind of abuse.  Whilst they deny to themselves and others what they have done, our shame provides the environment for the bully to prosper.

Whilst we feel shame, we are paralysed by it.  We might learn to live with it, carrying it around like a dusty old suitcase; a dirty old secret and whilst no one can see it, it corrodes us, and keeps us small.  We stay unfulfilled even when we have so much to offer the World, and it feels safe there.  It’s not fun; not stimulating; not right but it’s safe.

“I know that you can SAFELY transform shame into an energy that is so personally powerful that you will never be able to be ‘knocked down’ by another person ever again”

We must physically over power shame like once we were over powered; it’s in this shame free place that we can recover, dream again and achieve our dreams.

Anna Pinkerton BA Hons PGDipCAP DipPW TIRCouns AccPT-s HPC MBACP

If you believe you’re in a abusive situation and need help please find below some free services helplines and websites:

• 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247

• Lesbian and Gay Helpline -0300 330 0630

• Women’s Aid

• London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

• refuge.org.uk

At the beginning of any relationship there is the usual fervour and excitement.

This is no different in a relationship where domestic abusers reside.  The early signs are very subtle and our best chance of being free from abusive behaviour is to gain knowledge of abuse; in order to get out early, or preferably not get into it at all.

Abusive men will always ‘move in’ on you quickly, this is like a way of snaring you, and removes the chance of you discovering what they are really like.

Remember this person will always seem amazing and be almost everything you want in a man; kind, loving, generous.  If he wasn’t that way you wouldn’t be attracted to him.  Of upmost importance is you take your time in the early stages of a relationship.

Domestic abusers CANNOT keep up the act and so they will reveal their true selves before too long

Here are some early very early signs of mental abuse and other forms of abuse:

• They want the relationship to move quickly.

• These men are often not talked about kindly even by their own family and friends.

• They will have had a violent past and if you confront them will this early on, they will say that it’s all in the past and it was when they were young men/boys.

• They show early signs of not being able to tolerate that you have had other relationships in the past.  This can appear to be ordinary jealousy early on which you’d imagine would go quickly as your relationship deepens.  This however does not go away and in fact intensifies to dangerous proportions; including YOUR close family and friends.  They want to have you exclusively and this is an early sign that they will try to isolate you from family and friends.

• 

  They are not at ease sexually, often inadequate in this area, and inconsiderate to their partner.  You will pick up very early that he will struggle to talk about this.  Domestic abusers are unable to accept their inexperience/inadequacy in this area, they will anger quickly if you approach this subject.

• They will think that they are right about everything, and will talk as if all others are rubbish at their jobs.  This includes bank managers, accountants, financial advisors, teachers etc.  Often most people who earn more than them, or are more successful or simply nicer people.  This is a crucial sign; “do not enter into a relationship with someone who has nothing good to say about others”.

• They will often ‘blank’ you if you approach a subject they do not want to talk about.  They will go completely quiet and not respond to you, this is in order to hide their fury at you for having the audacity to bring up an uncomfortable subject, and that you dare challenge them.  Later this will ALWAYS lead to rage, controlling behaviour and/or violence.  If this man cannot talk as an adult about things in life, he is not acting as an adult and is not good (and likely to be unsafe) to be in a relationship with.

• These men will often leave the house without telling you where they are going.  What kind of person in a relationship does this?  Someone who is self obsessed; wants to be in control; and may be trying to hide their rage.  If someone needs to leave the house WITHOUT telling you where they are going it’s about controlling you, leaving you in an unknowing place, and is a thinly veiled threat.

• Listen carefully to their attitude towards children and women.  This often reveals itself with a bullying attitude towards their own mothers, sisters, and children.

• These men are often so immature that they ‘score points’ against children even their own, and they think it is ok to hit children if the child hits them.  They are affronted by ordinary childlike behaviours and retaliate without conscience that they are abusing their psychological and physical power over a child.

• Early and extravagant presents

• If it seems to good to be true, it simply IS

About Anna

With 20 years of experience Anna is known for her building of relationships with people struggling to get back to their successes, both personally and in public life she finds where experience works for people and where it holds them still or in private turmoil. Anna makes a unique space for discovering the power beneath the stuff we ‘tuck away’, whether it be sudden events, long terms pains or hidden talents.

Anna knows there is a direct correlation between what we do not ‘attend to’ and the energy that it takes to keep it silent. She believes that when this energy is propelled in the opposite direction it leads to positivity and resilience never felt before.  She genuinely supports people to make this happen, and fast.

People she works with have gone on to feel stronger than before and have expanded their 7 figure businesses or can see they achieve their full potential for the first time.

Contact Anna now to see how she can help you

Email: anna@annapinkerton.com

Phone: 07899 688845

www.annapinkerton.com

Related Posts:

• Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave

• Domestic Abuse – Ending the Paralysis of Shame

• Violence Against Women – It’s a Men’s Issue

If you believe you’re in a abusive situation and need help please find below some free services helplines and websites:

• 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247

• Lesbian and Gay Helpline -0300 330 0630

• Women’s Aid

• London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

• refuge.org.uk