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Letters to Linda – Coping with Divorce when Holidays are Over

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

The holidays are over and I cannot face doing it again next year. My former spouse and I have been divorced for a few years. We decided at the time that we would continue to share the Christmas holiday and we have done so ever since. I hate this arrangement. It was made during the separation when I was feeling guilty I’d failed my kids.  Instead of it being a happy time, I end up feeling angry and it takes all my energy to just get through the holiday. Every year it has become more difficult to continue this family tradition. What can I do?

Holidays are a stressful time no matter what the family arrangement. It seems that your holiday get-togethers might have worked for a time but now they don’t.

Holidays put enormous pressure on families. Even more so in your case because an agreement made several years ago just isn’t working anymore. If the holiday isn’t working for you, then admitting that is the first step to solving the problem.

First and foremost, don’t blame yourself. Often in divorce, we can feel coerced into agreeing to certain arrangements as the settlement is being sorted and then time and distance change our outlook. The New Year is a good time to do a review of holiday traditions and begin a discussion with your family.

In every family, traditions that once worked don’t after a time. It is always healthy to assess holiday traditions and create new ones if necessary. You may be surprised to find others in the family welcome a change.

You have several options. First, consider ways that would work for you to celebrate a family holiday. There might be several options.

The time after the holiday is usually less stressful and there is more time for a good discussion. You can speak to everyone individually if need be, but the pressure is off to make a quick decision.

Simply telling family members you would like to change the present family holiday arrangements is a starting point. If they ask why remember, ‘less is more’ in the details. Avoid any extreme language if possible. But be honest. You don’t like the present arrangement and it doesn’t work for you anymore and move the discussion on to what new possibilities could be considered.

You can put out some ideas and give your family members time to think about your preferred choices and then chat.

Time is on your side in the new year. Share the decision-making process and be prepared for some compromise. As this is all to make a more agreeable family holiday, determine what is your threshold for compromise. Traditions have a way of owning us instead of us being in control.

You might agree that doing one more holiday in the same arrangement is the answer. Rather than view it as an enormous burden- frame those hours as part of a whole year.

Be clear that after this year, the holiday will take a new form. Be firm in your expectations for change. Too often we do what we think other people want or expect us to do and sacrifice our own well being. It gives others too much power over our own lives. It’s OK to take care of yourself and your own emotional health.

Changing a family tradition often makes for difficult discussions because we hang so many expectations on holidays. It’s even more challenging because having the present arrangement has probably been something your children enjoy. However, your happiness is important too.

If a decision is made to change, then the New Year gives everyone a whole year to come to terms with the new family tradition. With love and consideration, you and your family can find a path forward that works for everyone.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Letters to Linda – Children and Divorce: Coping with Divorce Secrets

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

I never told my daughter the truth about her mother. My wife left us 7 years ago to begin a new life. She walked out the door and never looked back. She has not been in contact since that day. I’ve heard she started a new life with a new man. For years I told my daughter she’s just gone away for a while to protect her from the truth. Eventually, she stopped asking. Honestly, I think she knew I didn’t really want to talk about it. I was doing the best I could trying to keep up with work and being a Dad. That worked when she was younger, but she is sixteen now and wants some answers. I’m scared she’ll hate me.

You have carried a heavy burden for several years.

I firmly believe that most of us do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time when we are picking up the pieces after a separation or divorce.

You wanted to protect your daughter from the pain of her mother’s choices, and you were concentrating on putting a family life back together.

Somewhere amid that pressure to do the right thing you were also trying to do your own emotional healing. It is a lot for one person. And there were probably some very real unknowns at the time, including whether she might just show up again, or try to contact your daughter. Confusion can often paralyze us when it comes to knowing the next step.

However, that was then and this is now.

Your daughter wants some answers and she has a right to know the facts. It is important to remember there are facts and then there are opinions about what your former spouse did. Stick to the facts as much as possible.

Wrestle down your fear of telling her the full story. She is probably aware that you were doing the best you could. She is probably also aware there is more to the story. Kids have a way of intuiting a lot of the unsaid.

To begin any conversation, start with the fact that she did go away for a while as you did not really know what her next steps might be. Then explain the facts and the reasons why you were not completely forthcoming as time went on.

Give her time to think about it. This gives her some control as she will no doubt feel she had no power over your choices, no matter what you considered was your best intention for her.

Your daughter will have questions and one will be -why did you not tell her the whole story at the time? Before you open the conversation determine all the reasons why you felt it best to withhold some of the details.  Say them out loud to yourself.

How do they sound? Don’t get overly complicated. This will help you be as clear and direct as possible in your explanation. If you don’t know the answers to her other questions, then be honest and say so.

One very important aspect of having big conversations like this is that we often forget to listen. We get caught up in what we want to say. Remember to give your daughter time to process the information.

It will most likely not be one conversation. Your daughter will absorb the information and then have more questions. Be open to her questions. She might get very angry. Remind her that you love her and you were doing the best you could.

There could also be the issue of whether your daughter wants to try to find her mother. You will need to consider how you feel about that and what type of support you would feel comfortable offering. If this topic does surface be prepared to explore the different reactions she might encounter if she does find her Mum.

When some time has passed some parents are happy to reconnect and others are not. Your daughter needs to be prepared for every eventuality.

Right now the biggest pressure for you is beginning the conversation.

I would expect you know your daughter very well and you have had many serious and constructive conversations over the years. The longer you put her off, the more difficult it will be. She will most likely get more frustrated and you will too.

It is a difficult situation but not insurmountable. With love, care, and consideration you can help your daughter find her own place in this new family narrative.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Coping with Divorce and Separation - 5 Things you Should Know

Coping with Divorce and Separation – 5 Things you Should Know

Published on
Mala Mandalia
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor with
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When faced with a crisis such as a divorce or separation, many people suffer loss and grief and struggle to cope. They may refuse to talk about the difficult issues that need to be sorted out. They may be in complete denial about the realities of their situation. It may be hard to tell friends and family as this makes it all too real and they may well experience prolonger grief after divorce.

However bad the relationship, and even if you ended it, there is loss and the stages of grief. People are frightened of what else they may lose – children, home, money, security, even part of their identity.

As an experienced family law solicitor, I am aware of the different stages of grief, can recognise the stage a client may be at, and I take this into account when advising them, as well as directing them to other support on how to cope with the grief of divorce.

How long does grief last after divorce? What are the stages of grief after a divorce? Let’s start with the first stage…denial.

1. Denial around divorce and separation

The first stage of grief is Denial. It is really the first of our reactions to any form of sudden loss. The extent of it depends on the relationship you shared and how much of your life may be uprooted or altered. It is very common for people to try and initially deny the event in order to subconsciously avoid sadness or the thought of pending mental struggles. People in denial often withdraw from their normal social behaviour and become isolated.

In denial, a person may want to make the other wait, not face the choices, do nothing, hang on to their life as long as possible. Sometimes delay results in a lot of other problems that makes sorting things out eventually even harder.

Examples include failing to deal with correspondence from solicitors or failing to complete and return the acknowledgement form when divorce papers have been sent and serial rows over anything and everything.

2. Anger about the prospect of divorce

The second stage of grief is Anger. People that are grieving often become upset with the person or situation which put them in their grief state. After all, their life could now be in complete disarray. Other times people become angry at themselves if they feel they could have done something more to stop the loss from happening.

Anger and blame can be overwhelming. Sorting things out can feel impossible – all suggestions for the future may elicit a categoric ‘No!’  For example, some parents will use their “children as weapons” to upset the other parent and refuse reasonable suggestions for that parent to spend time with their children.

Anger may make you fight, fail to negotiate and prefer to go to court to try to ‘win’ and have your day in court. This can cost more than it’s worth and then everyone loses.

3. Bargaining to reach an agreement during divorce

The third stage of grief is Bargaining. This is when those who are grieving are reaching out to the other person to make the pain go away. It is very normal and largely considered to be a sign that they are beginning to comprehend their situation. People will often try to make a deal, or promise to do anything if the pain will be taken away.

An example of this could be if one party feels guilty (after maybe having an affair) and offers a financial settlement higher than they can reasonably afford.

4. Depression

The fourth stage of grief is Depression. Contrary to popular belief, depression is something that may take some time to develop. We often think we are depressed when a grief event first occurs, but there is usually a lot of shock and other emotions present before any real depression can set in. The signs of depression due to grief usually appear when a sense of finality is realised. This is not to be confused with clinical depression, which may be chronic.

When a divorcing client is suffering from depression, it is often difficult for them to make any rational decisions. It is important to understand that they may need time and to take things at a pace that is suitable to them. Appropriate referral to a counsellor may be appropriate.

5. Acceptance that the relationship is over

The fifth stage of grief is Acceptance. This is the point where the person experiencing grief is no longer looking back to try and recover the life they once had with their partner. It is not to say that they no longer feel the vast array of emotions brought on by their grief, but they are ready to embrace the idea that they are reaching a new point in their lives. At this point, they are beginning to understand that there is a new beginning on the horizon.

Each will have found a place of acceptance of their new living situation and would be eager to collaborate on how to map out their co-parenting future, how to divide the assets, and how to provide for support for themselves and their children.

An experienced family solicitor can work with clients where ever they are in the emotional grief process and tailor advice to match the stage in which they find their clients.

Often clients in the grief cycle go to some lawyers, who are not trained to deal with the emotional grief cycle. So, clients may end up feeling very frustrated and misunderstood.

As an experienced family law solicitor, I can help clients facing separation with all their fragility and begin the process of empowering them to find their way out.

Click here for more articles from Woolley & Co Solicitors

ABOUT MALA

Mala is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, based in Cornwall. She has clients in the South West regions and South East counties. Mala has extensive experience since 1998 dealing with married and unmarried clients in relation to all aspects of relationship breakdown including: divorce, separation, pre-nuptial agreements domestic violence and financial issues.

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Coping with Divorce and Post-Traumatic Marriage Disorder

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

The end of many marriages can be very traumatic.

So traumatic in fact, that were you to visit a doctor and describe your symptoms they might say you have a form of PTSD.

I term it– PTMD (Post Traumatic Marriage Disorder).

Many symptoms of PTSD dovetail with the end of a traumatic divorce. Consider the remarkable similarities.

Re-experiencing the trauma through recollection is one similar sign. Our mind replays certain scenes over and over again. There are many triggers and life after divorce exposes us to those triggers.

Our family, friends, home, furniture and places can all be reminders of a certain painful time and place in the stages of the marriage breakdown. Twenty five years later there is still one place that triggers a very painful memory for me. Thankfully, the emotional affect has diminished with time.

From personal experience, I know that flashbacks and nightmares were a regular part of my life for years afterward.

The frequency subsided but for a number of years the emotional trauma was reignited quite easily with those distressing memories.

Even today, there are certain flashbacks that have never left me- arguments so painful and emotional that the scene is there in my mind in a flash.  The lens is filtered by time but in an odd way reminds me to be so very grateful for today.

Something I personally experienced was a jarring physical reaction.

At odd moments, when I wasn’t expecting it, I would get this sensation of being punched in the gut. Something triggered it. It could have been a fleeting memory and my senses responded. It points to the physiological effect that divorce can have on a person’s body as it responds to the stress.

There is probably much yet to be learned about the physical affects to our personal health created by a traumatic divorce.

The anxiety of facing the world is also something not forgotten. Avoidance behaviour is often part of those early days after a separation.  What struck me was that the world was carrying on in a normal fashion.

I recall being in the grocery store and trying to make relatively simple decisions about food choices. There was an ugliness I felt after years of having my physical appearance assailed and a feeling there was revulsion in the eyes of others.

A certain paranoia had been created by the trauma. I would wonder –were they laughing at me?  I felt disconnected to the world.

The single most important choice I made in the aftermath of the separation was putting myself in the capable hands of a very competent counsellor.

For two and a half years she gently but firmly moved me toward rebirth. She saved me.

The inability to concentrate and feeling irritable are certainly relatable. Your mind is consumed by this trauma and trying to get past it mentally is an enormous challenge.

Sleep deprivation is often another side effect of traumatic divorce. In that dark nighttime we are left to beat back the demons in our head. We can all recall being curled up, late at night, in what feels like a very empty bed wanting the hurt to go away.

Unlike a death ending a marriage, divorce is someone’s calculated choice to leave. It is deliberate.  That choice often precipitates a sense of guilt or shame by the partner left behind.

In my situation, I was consumed with shame over not seeing the lies earlier in the marriage. I lived a 25 year lie unbeknownst to me. I did not know about his secret life until shortly before the end of the marriage. In the aftermath, my attempts to process his deception was debilitating for a time.

Recently, research has been conducted on the theory of Post Traumatic Growth – described as a positive psychological change in the aftermath of adversity. Although there are critics of this theory, I find it quite credible based on my own experience. PTG in no way diminishes the emotional trauma but focuses on today – to survive and thrive.

One fact that kept me going was the desire to get better not bitter. I was not going to let this man who chose to be deceitful and abusive impact my happiness in the future. It was a deliberate choice I made to claim personal power and control over my life. There were many bumps along the road but I made it.

My personal experience supports the theory of PTG. The trauma of my divorce 25 years ago was in many respects the precipitating incident for enormous personal growth. My traumatic divorce is what happened to me. It does not define me.

I have chosen to live a life filled with gratitude.

“Joy was not made to be a crumb.”   Mary Oliver

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Keeping Children in the Country

Keeping Children in the Country while Coping with Divorce

Published on
Ann Robinson
Solicitor specialising in Family Law

Few would dispute that going through a divorce is a stressful and complex process, especially when it involves relocating.

It is important to be aware of all the rights and responsibilities that come with separation, even more so when children are involved.

It is an offence under The Child Abduction Act 1984 to remove a child under the age of 16 from the UK without appropriate consent.

Anyone wishing to move abroad with their child/children must obtain suitable permission.

Here are the dos and don’ts of moving abroad with children after a divorce, and what to do if an individual does not want to give consent to their child/children relocating.

Do:

  • Obtain consent

It is vital that appropriate consent from every person who has Parental Responsibility for the child/children is obtained. This can include the child’s mother, the child’s father, any guardian of the child, any special guardian, any person named in a child arrangements order as a person with whom the child is to live or anyone who has the benefit of a Parental Responsibility Agreement or Order.

This must be in writing and unambiguous otherwise there may be doubts as to whether proper permission was given.

  • Consider the correct application

In cases where consent is refused, applications to the Court can be made. There are different applications depending on whether or not there is already a Child Arrangements Order in place.

The welfare of the child is always paramount and there is no presumption in favour of the parent making the application.”
Plan ahead

Enquiries should be made as early as possible. This could include research into schooling, places to live, employment options and a support network. It is also vital to look into whether there are any additional immigration requirements.

Don’t

  • Act too quickly

External relocation should not occur until appropriate consent(s) from those with Parental Responsibility or an Order of the Court giving permission has been given.

Anyone who moves without this consent risks imprisonment under The Child Abduction Act.

Preparation and research should be done well in advance as all the processes can take a significant amount of time, especially if the Court is involved.

  • Damage relationships with your child/children

All parties involved should remain impartial; relocation should not be used as a way of frustrating the relationship between the child/children and the other parent.

Remember, the child’s welfare is paramount and if this is in question this will affect the decision of those with Parental Responsibility and/or the Court.

Keeping children in the country

If an ex-partner intends on taking the child/children involved out of the UK and there is a disagreement, urgent legal advice should be obtained.

There are certain applications that can be made to the Court to try and prevent external relocation from happening.

If refusal of consent by the Court is desired, clear reasons should be made as to why the application is being opposed.

These should focus on the welfare of the child and why it would be more secure if they were to remain in the country.

About Ann Robinson

Ann Robinson is a solicitor specialising in Family Law at Blacks Solicitors- lawblacks.com –  ARobinson@LawBlacks.com

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Coping with Divorce: My Whole Marriage had been a Threesome Unbeknownst to me

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

He had a closet full of secrets and now I had to move forward alone. My whole marriage had been a threesome or more unbeknownst to me.

His rationale-family life was never impacted because what he did outside the family home did not matter to him.

In his words when he walked through the door he flipped a switch to be husband and father. What?

How do you disavow trust in any relationship? He believed it didn’t matter because nobody knew about it. What about the persona you present to those same people—that presumed you were trustworthy? In his mind, he was blameless.

No one I knew at that time, nearly thirty years ago, had ever had to figure out this kind of deception. Where did I begin on the heels of the years of emotional abuse?

Very badly is the short answer. I got angry at the deception, at the years of abuse, at being the innocent party to living a lie all of my married life. Living a lie not because I chose to live a lie but because I was the victim. I had no choice in the history I was now given at the end of our marriage.

I call it my ‘burning bed’ of words. They spewed out of me for nearly a year- a very dark night of my soul. Could I say the worst things to him via voicemail and tell everyone what he did to our family? Could I make him feel remorse? Turns out I could and did say the worst but did he feel remorse? Not likely. In his dismissive words after the divorce –all just water under the bridge.

I finally reached a place where I knew I had to claw my way back to respectability, let go of the past and reclaim my dignity.

I was still seeing my counsellor. Fortunately I was in good hands and she knew what she was doing. Just who was I, this person that had been deemed so inferior by my former husband?

Slowly I began to see some worth. My life started to take on new meaning. I had a circle of unfailing family love and a career that offered enormous satisfaction but ultimately this was my personal struggle.

Many career opportunities and challenges gave me a place I could go in my mind to rest from the trauma of the abuse. It had seeped into fibre of my being. I frustrated family and friends because everyone is on their own timeline to heal. Thankfully they were forgiving.

There was not a lot of reading material and certainly nothing but one book to address the type of deceit I’d lived. For the rest of my recovery I had to rely on my own ingenuity hunting books in bookstores.

I found the books I needed and have written about them in detail in other postings. My journal became my new best friend. My journal and my words were the marker for my emotional growth.

Betrayal of this magnitude is a huge mountain to climb. I spent time beating myself up for such stupidity. Why had I always believed him?

Eventually my life started to be less about what was done to me and more about me and my future.  I remember very clearly the last time I cried about what had happened to me. A song- it’s always a song- isn’t it?

Tears were streaming down my face for the loss- the loss of what I thought I had, the loss of my innocence because my marriage had been a sham, the loss of our history and our future as I thought it would be, and the profound loss of misguided belief in another person whom I deeply loved. Me, him, us, our family were all in the tears that trickled down my cheeks that night.

On to my future.

Life started to speed up in a variety of ways. New opportunities presented themselves both personally and professionally. I began to see that what had happened to me, in many ways, saved me.

As painful as it was, it forced me to finally grow up. It forced me to be independent and self-sufficient. I was worthy because I believed it and not because of anyone’s validation.

Dating was a whole new hurdle. I had to get over my embarrassment of telling dates why my marriage ended. If I thought I had been stupid what would they think? But eventually that faded too. The layers of the old were shedding. A weight was being lifted.

He’s an old man now, living a very comfortable life, and to my knowledge quite unrepentant for his deceit and abuse all those years ago.

I have created opportunities for myself that would not have been possible had my value and worth as a person continued to be insidiously sabotaged. I have an inner happiness never previously experienced and a treasured circle of love. And I know unequivocally, that his leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Part 1: – Emotional Abuse – Silent and Unseen

Part 2: Emotional Abuse is a Systematic Destruction of a Person

LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

You might be interested in

Life After Divorce and Separation

Coping with Divorce – The First Raw Emotions

Published on

Our interview today is with our very own Agony Aunt Linda Simpson in person.

In this video, Linda talks about how coping with divorce in the first days, weeks and months can be very challenging emotionally. Linda tells us how to go about dealing with these emotions and the normality of their existence.

She also talks about how important it is to deal with those raw emotions and how to go about doing so before you can fully embrace your new life after divorce.

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Coping with divorce and separation

Coping with Divorce and Separation

Published on

If you’re just embarking on your divorce journey, here’s a quote that may mean absolutely nothing to you right now but we, at The Divorce Magazine, would like to let you know that the pain does indeed end.

There maybe a lot of work to be done by you in order for you to be able to cope with the emotions and beyond.

We have plenty of articles that can help you in coping with divorce and separation.  Click here and you will find them.

Coping with divorce and separation

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Coping with Divorce: How Running Saved my Life
Coping with Divorce: How Running Saved my Life

Coping with Divorce: How Running Saved my Life!

Published on
Coping with divorce: how running saved my life
Tina Chantrey
Author, Journalist
Running Coach
(Photo Credit Mike Bell)

“I’m living proof of the inextricable link between running and positive mental health.”

As a child, I ran a lot; my dad was a marathon runner. I drifted away from the sport in my 20s, and then had three children.

After my third daughter was born I joined my local running club. I knew I had to do something for me.

I was so nervous before going to the first session. I had to force myself to leave the house, but it was exhilarating! I felt free and found a community of like-minded people.

Not long after I went through divorce.

It was very prolonged and complicated as my ex-husband moved to New Zealand. I found myself bringing up three girls alone. Anxiety overcame me.

As much as I tried I struggled to keep going during my divorce, let alone keep running.

With no partner to help with childcare I could only run if I put my children in a field, then ran around them. I lost my fitness and stopped going to races. Just getting through each day took all the energy I had.

As I went in and out of the school playground, every day, so many women would share their life issues with me. We all needed an outlet. I wanted to offer support to other mums like me, who could only run when their children were at school. I qualified as an England Athletics running coach, then set up a morning run group.

For the first few years post-separation my life was a mess. My ex-husband moved 12,000 miles away and it took four years of battling before I received maintenance. It really was just me.

It was a slow journey back, but I received constant support from the women in my group. If I hadn’t kept running through the experience, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the pressure. Running gave me strength, a new focus, time away from mum duties and a sense of purpose again.

Watching the women I coached get fitter and stronger, and believe in themselves kept me going during the dark times.

My group forced me to leave my house when I wanted to hide away. Carrying on running, however slowly, while helping others improve, was the best decision I made.

I became an England Athletics Mental Health Ambassador, and organise #runandtalk events to encourage people to give the sport a try.

My view is: if I can do this, so can you. I’m living proof of the inextricable link between running and positive mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done some awful races in the last few years, as I try to balance being a mum with work and training.

Some weeks I manage four runs, others none. But I’ve learnt there’s no right or wrong way to train, and listening to our bodies allows us to keep our running consistent.

Sport is a big part of our family; it’s helped my three girls and I cope with difficult experiences and emotions. At the moment, all three of my girls ‘hate’ running! But two of my girls are dancers and the youngest, Sienna, aged 11, is a gymnast; she placed 23rd in the UK this year. Maybe one day, when they’re ready, they’ll give running a try.

Without the group, I wouldn’t have coped with a dark chapter of my life.

Running, however hard it feels at the time, gives you strength and self-belief, a theme in my new book, The Divorce Survival Guide: How Running Turned My Life Around, which has six easy steps on how to introduce exercise, and running, into your life to help you cope with difficult emotions and give you strength to face your future.

I have running to thank for helping me believe in myself again. I’m so happy I didn’t give up and so grateful to the women (and men) I run with.

You can run, too… tips on getting started

If you’re new to running start slow; do a five-minute warm-up such as power walking or jogging on the spot to raise your heart-rate and body temperature.

Then do some simple dynamic stretches such as single leg lunges (10 on each leg) and squats (10).

Try a walk/run between lampposts. Start by jogging two lampposts, then walking two. Slowly increase the numbers you run.

Run with a buddy; it will keep you motivated and committed to going out, which gets harder during the winter.

Look for a local, friendly group led by a qualified leader on the RunTogether website (runtogether.co.uk).

Find your local parkrun (parkrun.org.uk) and walk it. Then every week, as you progress, start off running and see if you can keep going for a few minutes extra, until you eventually complete your first 5K!

Reward yourself when you reach every small milestone such as 10 minutes, one mile then two miles etc of continuous running. Buy a magazine or go for a coffee – you deserve it!

To kick-start your fitness, use the NHS Live Well Couch to 5K training plan (nhs.co.uk/livewell/c25k).

About Tina

Tina Chantrey is a running coach and contributing editor of Women’s Running magazine. Her latest book is The Divorce Survival Guide: How running turned my life around

You can follow what her running group gets up to every week on Instagram @shewhodaresruns

Tina’s freelance career spans over 20 years, during which she has written on all aspects of health, fitness and nutrition.

Tina is contributing editor of Women’s Running magazine, the award-winning blogger shewhodaresruns and her book The Divorce Survival Guide: How Running Turned My Life Around, was published this summer.

She is a qualified running coach, England Athletics Mental Health Ambassador and mum of three girls, Lola, Amelie and Sienna.

You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter @shewhodaresruns

Feature Photo Claire Kelson

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Coping with divorce doesn't mean starving your heart

Coping with Divorce Doesn’t Mean Starving your Heart

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

I know its hard right now and I won’t ask you to list what is hurting you the most because honestly you may not know at this point in time or you may have too many to list.

I too had this issue so in my mindset I went in protect myself mode.

Protect myself meaning becoming someone that I’m not. I became a harsh cold woman who disliked mostly every sign of happiness that I saw.

I believed this was an act of guarding my heart from ever being hurt again, so I validated this by saying to myself “I have to do what I have to do I’m in survival mood now.”

The truth is I wasn’t guarding my heart at all. I was letting the very thing into my heart that I called myself keeping out.”

Yes I agree we must protect but we also must know that protecting our heart is not hardening our hearts to those around us.

The best example would be if you were feeding a child who seemed to not finish their food. Would you decrease the amount of food you’re placing on their plate or would you not feed them at all?

This is also true with your heart you can protect your heart by making necessary adjustments but also at the same time if you’re not careful you can starve your heart.

ABOUT CHARIS ROOKS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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Eckhart Tolle Quotes
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Coping with Divorce – Eckhart Tolle Quotes

Published on
Eckhart Tolle Quotes
Eckhart Tolle
Author of
The Power of Now

 

 

Here are some of our usual Friday quotes.  These are all from Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth – Awakening the Purpose in your Life. We, at TDM, felt that they would be quite appropriate in helping people going through divorce in coping with divorce and the divorce process.  If you have a favourite Eckhart Tolle quote share it with us.

 

Boredom, anger, sadness, or fear are not ‘yours,’ not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you.

 

There is a fine balance between honoring the past and losing yourself in it. For example, you can acknowledge and learn from mistakes you made, and then move on and refocus on the now. It is called forgiving yourself.

 

Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.

 

 

To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.

 

The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.

 

Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.

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Coping with Divorce at Work

Coping with Divorce at Work

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There can be issues that arise on the job when going through divorce.

For one thing, an individual may have to leave for divorce sessions or court dates. Consider scheduling mediation or collaborative meetings around lunch time or staying a bit later that day.

See if your divorce professional has early morning slots so that your job is not impacted by absences.

Inform your supervisor regarding your divorce, in case your emotions are more extreme or your interactions are a bit erratic at work.

My two bosses gave me some leeway during this stressful time. It is a toss-up whether or not to tell your co-workers about your situation. The other female and I went out for lattes and I blew off some steam away from our place of employment.

If you feel your work may be slipping a little – then consider confiding in a few trusted colleagues. They can proactively catch some mistakes or at least realize that this is a temporary condition. In some places, one may be the subject of gossip around the office.

Many people pour themselves into their jobs for a much needed distraction.

It can be one’s oasis of calm in the turbulent sea of divorce. Laughing and talking with my fun-loving co-workers helped me keep my sanity. Work projects and tasks keep minds focused and off divorce problems.

Constantly checking one’s phone for messages takes time away from the job and thrusts one back into their divorce situation. Possibly look at texts or e-mail once during the work day, such as during lunch. I did not check anything at all while on the job and had my solicitor or her paralegal call me if something urgent arose. This gave me a break. Then when I got home, I dealt with divorce matters.

What to do if you are about to lose it at work. Pause and take a mini break. Get away from your immediate environment and walk around the block or down some long hallways.

Getting out in nature is therapeutic and decreases stress, as some studies have shown. Go to a nearby park to eat your lunch. Some people use their lunch breaks to release tension by working out at a gym or going for a run. Meeting up with friends for a few laughs during lunch can get you back on track.

There are homeopathic remedies that reduce stress and anxiety. I squirted Bach’s Rescue Remedy into my mouth when feeling overwhelmed with divorce. There are plenty of other brands on the market to take long-term or as a quick fix.

Just as a pregnant woman gets plenty of unsolicited advice, so do people going through divorce. Good friends as well as those you barely know may be inquisitive.

At work, consider having a few close colleagues tell others that you do not want to discuss your divorce, when you have had enough questions. You do not owe anyone explanations or updates.

When cornered at social gatherings, one can fend off questions by saying “Let’s talk about something more fun. How was your holiday?” Keep changing the subject and even the densest person will eventually get the message.

When given advice or told long winded stories of others’ divorces, feel free to say “That’s interesting. I’ll think about it.” That said, I did get a lot of help listening to other folks’ divorce tales and suggestions.

If falling to pieces, consider seeing a life or divorce coach who can help you devise some coping strategies. They will guide you in finding a good work/family balance. A coach is great at listening and working with you to have an easier time with divorce.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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