stepmoms

Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
//

Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

  • Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
  • Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

  • Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
  • Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

  • Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
  • Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

  • Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
  • Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

  • Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
  • Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
  • The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

  • Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
  • Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

  • In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
  • Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
  • Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

  • Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
  • Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
  • Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

  • Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
  • Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
  • Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

You might be interested in

Befriending Partner’s Ex

Stepmums: Is it Time to Stop Befriending your Partner’s Ex?

Published on
Corinne Foote
Corinne Foote
Certified Stepfamily Coach Founder and Editor of Stepparent Magazine

So, you’ve started dating a guy who has children with his ex.

Evidently, you want your stepmum journey to be as plain sailing as possible, and this means attempting to get along with your stepchildren and even your partner’s ex.

Now, when I mention the word ‘befriend’, I don’t mean that there is a level of expectation that you need to suggest nights out or shopping trips with the ex; however, perhaps you have made several attempts to reach out to her but things seem to be going awry.

Below are 3 scenarios that indicate it may be time to call it quits (for now at least):

  1. One chance, two chance, three chance, four…?

Have you found that the ex has reciprocated your advances for a rapport but that it is in actual fact generating negativity in your life?

For example, in an attempt to help your partner’s situation with his ex, you offered her your number to later find that she is abusing this channel of communication.  However, you find yourself making numerous excuses for her behaviour towards you and letting her back into your personal space.

If this is the case, you may be experiencing an ex who has high-conflict behaviours.

This will likely mean that the ex is driven by drama and has no real interest in befriending you other than to create chaos in your life.  Regardless of her motives, this scenario may be detrimental to your own happiness and sanity, as well as your relationship with your partner.

  1. The ex is not ready

Are you exchanging the odd ‘hellos’ or ‘goodbyes’ and finding that you are being snubbed?

Perhaps, you are keen to impress the ex by showing her that you are taking good care of her children, yet you don’t understand why she does not want to see the likeable, fantastic gal that your partner sees.

Separation and divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences that can happen in a person’s life.  Emotions can run high for years and people may take a long time to adjust to their new lives.

The ex may be experiencing worries that even your partner knows nothing about, such as finances or grief over the end of her relationship.

Being reminded of a stepmum entering the picture may be something she just can’t face at this moment in time.  As a result, the ex may not feel ready to build up any type of rapport with you until she starts to feel better about herself and her current circumstances.

  1. It may actually be you who isn’t ready

Me? I hear you say! But hear me out.

Do you find yourself dwelling over your partner’s relationship with his ex or comparing yourself to her every time you see or hear her name?  If so, you may be guilty of trying too hard at a time when you aren’t yet ready to accept the other woman.

Whilst your initial intentions were harmless, befriending the ex may have stirred up emotions that you didn’t know existed until you became a stepmum.

So, if having any communication with the ex makes you feel anxious, insecure or even jealous, keeping her at arms length may be just what is needed for the time being whilst you adjust to your stepmum role.

Okay, so what should stepmums do?

• Her issues are just that…HERS – Whether this involves high-conflict behaviour or normal emotional issues, remember that they are not personal to you as a person.

  • Create healthy boundaries that protect you – Until the ex has shown signs of committing to a rapport, do not continue to leave yourself open, especially to any negative behaviour. Whichever scenario best fits your current situation, you’ll need to enforce boundaries that keep emotional and physical distance between you and the ex. This may take form of blocking on social media or not being present at collections/drop offs.

  • Continue to grow as a stepmum and as a person – We’ve all experienced things in our lives that we wish we could have handled differently and no doubt you will encounter plenty of these in your stepmum role, too. Regardless, keep moving forward and concentrate on your own wellbeing and personal growth.

  • Stop trying so hard – Let nature run its course. As with all of the above scenarios, there is one thing that both parties have on their side and that is TIME.  It may take months or even years for one or both parties to get to a place in their lives where they are happy to befriend the other, even if it’s just hand gestures of ‘hello’.

  • Put the shoe on the other foot – Unless you are guilty of doing things to upset the ex, try practicing feelings of empathy and compassion for the ex. This doesn’t mean excusing the ex for any wrongdoings towards you but gaining a form of understanding will help you to remain at peace with yourself.

  • Have a support network – having people around that just ‘get it’ will help you immensely. Whether this is seeking support from your partner, a stepparent forum, stepfamily coach etc.  Knowing that others also experience the same feelings as you will also help you come to terms with this situation.

As with any relationship, it takes two willing participants for it to be successful.  There is no saying if your partner’s ex will ever change her perspective of you enough to be amicable, or vice versa.

Even so, it is important to remember that not having a rapport with your partner’s ex does not mean you are failing as a stepmom.

It may be that you will both come to that mutual place in the future, and this is great news if you do. However, it is possible to still lead a fulfilling life in your stepmom role without needing to form that stepmom/mum rapport.  You can function and thrive without it.  It is okay.  It can be good enough.

About Corinne Foote

Corinne Foote is a certified Stepfamily Coach and also the Founder and Editor of Stepparent Magazine. For more information on stepparent resources visit www.stepparentmagazine.com or follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

You might be interested in

Being Stepmom

Being Stepmom – Recapturing Christmas Magic

Published on
Stepmother Meaning
Ali Wilks
Certified Stepfamily Coach

This is the time of year with plenty of gatherings for friends and family that create opportunities for fun and frivolity.  A time to celebrate, share, give and receive. It’s joyous and magical.

But for some, it shines a spot light on everything wrong and on things missing.

It can be incredibly overwhelming. The source of the burden can come from so many things in the complicated life of stepfamilies.

Getting together with judgmental extended family members and in- laws, battles with bitter ex- spouses, disappointed or angry children and tragically, children who are alienated from their parents, depressed partners. Even feeling depressed and isolated as a stepmom.

It can be a time of powerful reminders of painful and unhealthy dynamics and profound loss.

So many people want to shut the doors on celebrations and parties and gifts. So how can you support yourself and or your spouse as you navigate this hectic emotionally charged month?

For the stepmom: Breathe. Yes breathe.

Find a quiet spot just for yourself. Slow, deep breaths that fill your rib cage. Then an exhale that drains the stress and sadness/anger in your jawline, your shoulders, around your heart and your stomach.

Repeat the cycle until you are relaxed.

Visualize your family, social or work event or situation you are challenged by. Envision yourself being calm, strong, and peaceful, surrounded by silver light.

Whatever is the source of your stress falls away as it touches your silver light. Breathe in your strength, breathe in calm and peace. Let that be your mantra as you navigate these next few weeks.

Being stepmomFind the opportunity to breathe and visualize, stretch, drink tea, journal, colour. Time away from the noise just for yourself so you can breathe, think, to relax.

Then set the intention that the silver light surrounding you will always be there as you meet with difficult people or circumstances. You’ve just set a simple boundary!

Once you get in a place of peace and strength you can support the others in your home. But the peace starts with you.

For your spouse: Now you can approach your spouse in calmness and greater clarity. You are his greatest support. If you are more relaxed it can help him calm.

How does your spouse handle stress? Does he feel it physically in the form of headaches? Does he feel it mentally losing sleep or being forgetful? Does he respond emotionally responding in anger or frustration?

Stress and grief and loss are typically experienced in these similar forms: physical symptoms, mental symptoms, emotional symptoms or spiritual symptoms.

Support him by meeting him at the way he grieves or handles stress. Send him for a walk with the dog or go with him for physical support.

Get him a good book or an empty journal to write in for mental support. Watch a funny movie together to make him laugh and support him emotionally. Support him to talk to his spiritual advisor or reconnect with hope to support him spiritually.

For you as a couple: Nourish your relationship this season. Find time alone for the two of you.

If you cant afford a date night away then tuck the kids away in bed early. Night owl teens or preteens? How about giving them special permission to stay up to watch a movie on TV or read or something that keeps them in their room?

Then lock your bedroom door and go into stealth mode. Have a picnic in your room, read each other bits from romance novels (or whatever inspires you 😉 write each other love notes and pass them back and forth, create a family vision board or just be silly and have fun.

You can talk about what’s been happening but remember to end your night on a positive note.

For the next few weeks send your spouse texts or emails with little notes of appreciation. It will come back to you ten fold. I promise! Have a blessed Christmas and holiday season!

 About Ali

My name is Ali Wilks and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton,  Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too)  and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

You might be interested in

/

The Step Mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Stepkids

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the stepkids is part 4 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily, Boundaries with the Man and Boundaries with ex-wife

A lot of stepmoms go overboard trying to “win the kids over”.

Whether intentionally or otherwise, they may put all their energy into doing nice things for the kids, never saying no to any demands, buying them gifts, and generally bending over backwards.

I hate to break it to you, but this WILL fail.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to love a man who has kids, and to realize that you are an outsider to their little family unit.

You can’t do anything about that – it’s life. You weren’t there from the beginning, swaddling them as newborns, cleaning every little scratch, comforting them when they are sick.

Some stepmoms are there from a very early age, but I know I came into my stepkids lives when they were 5 and 7, and I absolutely was the outsider coming in.

Setting boundaries with children is tough, but a necessary part of raising mature, capable, responsible human beings. It’s perhaps harder when they’re not biologically yours and you’re trying to put your best foot forward.

Let’s say you have a twelve year old stepdaughter who is with you and her dad every second weekend. Some of those nights, your partner is called into work for an emergency and you are left with your stepdaughter to watch movies, have snacks, or whatever the night brings. All goes well until bedtime.

The last few times it’s been just the two of you, she has convinced you to let her stay up until midnight – way past her bedtime. You really feel as though you can’t say no, and when you try to she gives you “the pout” and you cave instantly.

boundaries with the stepkids
Managing Boundaries with the stepkids – talk to your partner

Your man has set a 10:30pm bedtime schedule, and makes her stick to it when he’s home, but when it’s the two of you the rules go out the window. Initially you started letting her stay up so you could spend quality time together, but now she spends that time texting friends and searching funny videos on YouTube.

Here we go – Boundaries with the Stepkids:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

Do you think she’ll hate you if you stick to the house rules around bedtime? Do you think your partner will be upset if there is any strife between you and his daughter? Do you think it will make you an evil stepmother if you make her go to bed?

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

What will happen if you make her go to bed, reminding her that her dad set bedtime at 10:30, so you are following his guidance? Will she be grumpy and pissy? Sure. But you know what? She’ll get over it. And in fact, she might actually respect you for not being a doormat. Will your partner get mad at you for enforcing his rule? No.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

You may want to talk to your partner about this. Inform him that you’ve been lax on the bedtime schedule, but that you’d like to get on a predictable routine with your stepdaughter. Ask him to remind her of the 10:30 bedtime when he leaves for work, and if she moans and pouts, tell her that you’re only following what her dad has said. It doesn’t have to be all on you – after all, he is the dad. Again, the most important thing is that you stick to it!

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

One night, a few months after you decided to stick to a routine bedtime, you realize that your stepdaughter went to bed without batting an eyelid. She’s been happier and perkier in the mornings because she’s getting more sleep, and you’ve felt much more comfortable turning off the TV at 10:30 and giving her the heave-ho. Not much has really changed in the grand scheme of things, but you feel happier and more connected to your stepdaughter.

Click here for more articles by Erin Careless

About Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

Boundaries with the ex-wife
sc72ov4g

The Step mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the ex-wife is part 3 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily and Boundaries with the Man.

 

This is a tricky one.

Experiences with the ex can range from “we’re all friends and vacation together with the kids”, to “we criticize each other over text messages and in person…”

We cannot change the fact that there is an ex-wife in our lives, but we do have a choice in how, of even if, we engage with her.

We have a responsibility to understand that our partner was married (or in a relationship) before and had children – otherwise we wouldn’t be stepmoms!

But we also have a right to protect ourselves from negative behavior (and hopefully it doesn’t come to that).

There are many situations where mom and stepmom are the ones who have the most contact among the adults in the family. I know lots of women who plan the kids schedules with the biomom, talk about the kids’ school and behaviour together, and generally have a cooperative and peaceful friendship.

This is amazing, and absolutely the ideal. If your stepkids can feel the safety and security that comes with a connected, loving family unit… what a gift.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and my stepfather has been in my life from that point on.

When my husband and I got married (almost two decades after my parents’ divorce), it gave me such pride and pleasure to see my Dad and Stepfather talking to one another – getting along and being together at this very important time for me and my family.

Just imagine how great that can feel for kids who are still getting used to divorce and change. As much as possible, try to be positive, supportive, and most importantly – be empathetic. Not only are you dating or married to her ex-husband, but you are spending time with her children, and that can’t be easy for anyone.

So you try your best to be kind and understanding, and beyond that… it’s not up to you. The only thing you can control is you.

In discussing her encounters with the ex-wife, Katz (2010) says, “In order to be happier and make peace with the situation, I made a conscious choice to focus on what I could control and to live in the present, rather than worrying about what might, or might not, occur in the future”.

It’s not always easy, but the best thing you can do for you, your partner, you (step)children, and your health and well-being, is to not engage in drama. And certainly not to initiate it. Just remember: kids know when there is strife.

If you’re reading this right now thinking, “But it’s not me!” then my suggestion to you is to create a boundary so that negativity doesn’t break through into your family unit.

For example: You have offered to pick-up and drop-off your stepson every other weekend when your partner is at work. You have been picking him up after school on Fridays from his mom’s house, and meeting her in town to drop your stepson off on Sunday afternoons.

On Fridays, when you go to the ex’s house, she often makes a critical comment about the way you and your husband care for her son – maybe about the food he ate or how late he stayed up. It’s exhausting and frustrating, because you put a lot of time and effort into taking care of the little man.

On Sundays, when you arrive at the designated meeting spot, she is almost always late, and in front of you asks her son what he did and ate over the weekend. You could be wrong, but you feel judgment coming from her, and it is not comfortable.

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself in this situation? What can you do? She is the mom and you feel guilty enough being in a relationship with her ex-husband and spending time with her kid. You get so frustrated when she is rude and late, but you don’t want to get angry in front of your stepson.

You don’t feel you have any right to speak up because you’re not the “real mom”, even though you do take care of him an awful lot, and worry about him like a parent does. You don’t want to disappoint your husband by complaining or saying that the situation isn’t working for you – after all, if you didn’t help out he wouldn’t get to see his son very much.

boundaries with the ex-wife
Boundaries with the ex-wife.   Identify your inner thoughts.
  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

You can feel guilty – it’s natural. But their marriage ended, and it had nothing to do with you. You are taking care of her son part-time, and are doing a mighty good job of it. It’s up to you and your husband what food you serve in your house, and you always make healthy meals.

Your husband wouldn’t be upset with you – he knows how hard you’re trying to build a relationship with his son. The reasons she is upset may not actually have anything to do with you, they could be her own frustrations or concerns.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

After a conversation with your partner, you decide to change things up a little bit. On Fridays you will pick your stepson up from school, instead of from his mom’s house. This not only gives you a little more time with him, but also allows you to bypass the awkward encounter with the ex.

As for Sundays, you offer to drop the kids off at her house directly, which gives you control over the time. It seems as though you are doing her a big favor, and you are, but it actually saves you time in the long run. Instead of having a conversation in a parking lot, you can help the kids out of the car, watch them go in the door, and wave from the safety of the sidewalk. No more drills about food, bedtimes, or TV time. At least not when you’re there, and that’s all you can control.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Three months later, as you are dropping the kids off at their moms on a Sunday afternoon, waving goodbye and pulling away, you let out a sigh of relief and smile. You have less stress, less frustration, and more control in your life. Your partner is fully supportive of the change and you decide to maintain it. Forever!

Okay, these are examples, and not necessarily guaranteed outcomes. But the idea is – you do have control over your life, your decisions, and your behavior. Remember that your health and happiness impact that of others around you.

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

Look out for the next article on this series on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Step kids.

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

Image on page:photo credit: building castles in the air via photopin (license)

Feature Photo:photo credit: really? via photopin (license)

You might be interested in

Boundaries with the man
/

The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Man

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the man is part 2 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace. Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily which is Part 1.

 

I know what you’re thinking. People in love shouldn’t have boundaries!

Au contraire mon cher, au contraire.

Again, boundaries are not negative. They help you to navigate the roles, responsibilities, and expectations of yourself and others. They allow you to express your needs in a space of care and compassion.

So let’s say hubby works 9-5, and you start work in the afternoons.

He has started getting up and heading out the door without waking up the stepkids or doing anything to prepare for the morning rush that has you rousing grumpy and grumpier, throwing together lunches, and combing down hair as you run out the door to drive them to school. It’s stressful, exhausting, and you are starting to resent the sound of the door slamming behind him as he whistles his way to the car.

Let’s look at our four steps in establishing boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

You don’t want to say anything to your hubby because you don’t want him to think you are complaining about his kids being at the house. You don’t want to add more stress to his day and make him think you are not meeting him half way in this marriage. You don’t want him to think you don’t like his children.

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Will he really feel that way about you? Does he have any idea about how much you struggle in the mornings? He’s probably not changing because he thinks there is nothing to change – he’s not a mind-reader. He knows you really like spending time with the kids, but maybe doesn’t realize how this stress is affecting your work too.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Before you blow up and yell about how awful your mornings are, take some time to think about what would make this situation better.

You don’t mind driving the kids to school at all, but perhaps it would be easier if hubby woke them up and got them started before he left. Making lunches the night before would also save lots of time and stress.

Over dinner one night, when the stepkids are with their mom, you pour two glasses of wine and say, “I’d really like to talk with you about something, would this be a good time?” And then you talk about what you have been thinking and feeling.

Refrain from complaining about how grumpy the kids are – no need to hurt his feelings – but clearly let him know that the mornings are really stressful and you need a hand. Chances are he has no idea how upset you’ve been and hopefully he’s willing to do whatever he can to alleviate that stress.

  1. At the end of the school term, you talk about how much smoother the days run, now that the kids lunches and backpacks are ready to go the night before, and that dear hubby gets the grumpy faces when he wakes them up (don’t feel bad, they’re his kids!). You find you get along with the kids better than before, and you no longer shoot imaginary daggers at the door when your man leaves. You decide to keep this routine going, and if there’s the odd morning that hubby has to leave early, you don’t mind filling in at all.

Click here for Part 3 – Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

Boundaries and the Stepfamily
/

The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries and the Stepfamily

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

When you arrive at work, do you greet your boss with a kiss on the lips?

Do you invite the grocery store clerk to family dinner at your house? Do you complain about period pain to the FedEx guy delivering your Downton Abbey box set?

No.

Well, hopefully you said no…

You don’t do these things because we have boundaries that guide much of our behavior. Sure, some people may have a very close relationship with their higher-ups at work, or have no filter when it comes to their “monthlies”, but generally speaking, we follow social and cultural norms and boundaries of behavior.

Just as these types of boundaries guide our behavior, we can create boundaries in our own lives to protect us from things that are dangerous, unwanted, or unhealthy, while allowing us to experience things that are positive, healthy, and desired.

Think of a boundary as a window: it can be closed completely to protect us from the elements, or open slightly for a bit of fresh air, or open wide for the sun, heat, and birdsong to flow in. A closed window is not necessarily closed forever; rather, it can be opened when the time is right.

Establishing boundaries allows us to teach others how we want to be treated.

An example: Imagine your sister calls one day and asks you to pick her kids up from school, and then bring them to your house until she gets off work. You agree because you want to help her out and you love your niece and nephew. The next week, she calls and asks you to do the pick up again. You do.

The next week, you are out for coffee with a friend when your sister calls yet again and asks you to help her out. You say that you’d like to, but you’re out with a friend and can’t do it. She gets upset and says, “Well what am I supposed to do?” to which you guiltily reply that you’ll do it. You leave your friend and your untouched cappuccino, and race to the school, fuming inside.

Now, of course there’s nothing wrong with helping out friends and family – that’s what we do. However, it’s another to take on someone else’s responsibilities.

Some people will keep asking if you keep agreeing, and you can’t really blame them. So, on a day when the kids aren’t in school, have a conversation with your sister about how much you love her and her kids. Perhaps in an emergency you might be able to help here and there, but otherwise you are often out or working, and won’t be able to do the pick-up.

She may have thought you genuinely enjoyed doing it, and so didn’t think you were inconvenienced, who knows? Either way, if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries, you and the people around you are less likely to be hurt or disappointed or taken advantage of.

You can create boundaries in every aspect of your life (time, work, finances, relationships, health, etc.), to help you when you feel vulnerable or pulled in too many directions. Sounds good, right? But remember that boundaries are not a quick fix, and are not guaranteed to have the desired impact.

However, as Newcomb Marine and Korf  say, “When used conscientiously, boundaries can provide you with distance and protection from unwanted behavior, but you must continue to customize them for your unique situation until you find what works”. Therefore, we need to think of boundaries as evolving and fluid. Down the road you may wish to reevaluate and modify the situation, so do not treat it as something set in stone.

Boundaries and the Stepfamily
Boundaries and the Stepfamily – Think of a boundary as a window.

For stepmoms, boundaries are extremely important. Unfortunately, for many women who take on this role, it is difficult to negotiate and maintain boundaries that can support a happy and healthy life.

I cannot stress enough – boundaries are your friends!

Katz  says: “[Boundary violations] are the emotional equivalent of having someone step on your toes. At the very least, boundary violations can be annoying; at worst, they can erode our self-esteem”. I would add that when boundaries continue to be violated over extended periods of time, relationships can crumble along with family stability.

So, how do we avoid this doom and gloom and establish boundaries?

I’m glad you asked!

You may find yourself experiencing unease, or a nagging feeling that just won’t go away; a feeling that suggests something in your life isn’t going well and needs to change. When you recognize that feeling as a violation of your boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself that is preventing you from changing a situation, behavior, or expectation? Are you catastrophizing the situation? Projecting your assumptions on to others? Do you think that if you make your feelings known you’ll be seen as a bad partner/wife/stepmom?

 

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Is this inner monologue realistic? Does anyone validate those feelings? What would really happen if you spoke up? Would you be happier and healthier if things changed? Can you go on feeling like this forever?

This step is akin to someone with anxiety questioning their unrealistic beliefs (trust me, I know from experience!) by asking “What if?” after any catastrophic thinking. “I can’t speak to a crowd”. “What if you did?” “I would be shaking”. “What if you were?” “I might throw up”. “What if you did?” “I’d be embarrassed”. “What if you were embarrassed?”… This shows someone they are making a small thing into a huge, unmanageable situation.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Think about what you honestly need to feel happy, safe, and supported (at least most of the time… we are only human!), and talk about this with the person/people involved. This will look differently depending on who is concerned.

You shouldn’t have a problem getting your partner to sit down for a heart-to-heart, but may not be able to talk to the stepkids’ biomom in the same way. If you can… wow. With your partner you may come to the boundary together after discussing the situation. Either way, try to be as clear as possible at this stage, and don’t back down from what it is you need.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Boundaries need to be strong, but also fluid. Revisit any boundaries you set to see if it is working for you and meeting your needs, and if it needs to be modified or updated.

Don’t fall into the trap of seeing change and dropping the boundary altogether… it’s working because of the boundary! Make changes slowly and conscientiously. The most important aspect of setting boundaries is sticking to them. It can be hard work, especially in the beginning, but change only comes with consistency. (Isn’t that written in a parenting book somewhere…?)

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

So, now that we’ve covered the step-by-step guide to boundaries, over the next few days we will look at a few examples from a stepmom’s point of view starting with “Boundaries with the Man.”

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

You might be interested in

Advice On Being a stepmom

Out of the Shadows – Advice On Being a Stepmom Today

Published on
Stepmother Meaning
Ali Wilks
Certified Stepfamily Coach

As the year comes to a close we often reflect on how the last year went.

Did it all go according to plan? Did it meet your expectations? Did you accomplish all that you had set out to do? Did you meet your goals?  Life is busy and we may not have time to reflect but hopefully you can find the space to do so.

We may just have enough time to decide that the events that were so challenging for us aren’t going to happen again and we we can plan for better.

Reflection and introspection is good and necessary to take stock of where change needs to occur. But it can also be overwhelming.  It can also be very disheartening. Failure doesn’t feel good. But we can learn from it, grow from it. 

We may want the stepchildren to like and respect us even be grateful. We may want the ex to be appreciative, unselfish, and to grow up. The catch with that? When we put the focus outside of ourselves- wanting others to change their behaviour- we are likely to end up feeling disappointed, angry, guilty, resentful and stuck.  

2016 is your year!  Make it about you. 

I know that sounds selfish but really if you are doing well stress is handled better, you have a clearer head and that is a positive impact for all of your family members. You become a better, happier mom; a better, happier spouse; a better, happier YOU!

While reflection and introspection is good and necessary to take stock of where change needs to occur; guilt resentment, anger, and lamenting doesn’t support movement forward. Even if its’ baby steps keep moving forward.

Promise yourself a new year where you are taking care of yourself, setting healthy boundaries, communicating clearly, strengthening your intimate relationship, and getting what you want AND need.

So the next question you ask is: That sounds amazing! But how do I do all of THAT?

First set your priority: focusing on yourself!

Advice on being a stepmum
Advice on being a stepmom – don’t forget to look after yourself

Start by taking care of yourself. It may sound hard but it doesn’t have to be hard. It really can be as simple as 10 minutes a day. Take some head space and some heart space.

Create a space for you and you alone. Or take a drive, have a bubble bath with a glass of wine,  walk with your dog, do a 10 minute meditation, do your no holds barred dance listening to something upbeat, try the new fad adult colouring books, bake some cookies, watch an episode of your favourite comedy show (I personally really like Big Bang Theory- it appeals to my nerdiness!)

Learn to set healthy boundaries (FYI setting healthy boundaries is part of taking care of yourself) – decide what you will and will not accept regarding behaviour from your partner, behaviour from your stepkids, behaviour from his ex (yours too), behaviour from other people who think they can tell you your business but really have no place doing so!

Be clear about those limits and also be clear about what the consequences will be if they don’t respect your boundaries. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH on those consequences.

Communicating clearly – I love journaling or writing letters when I have something important to talk to my husband about and have a hard time telling him to his face. Or even if there’s something I feel particularly vulnerable about sharing I write it out. I then let it sit for a day or 2 then re-read it and rewrite it as necessary…then I read it to him.  Oh yes I do!

I seriously believe we make a lot of assumptions about how we think the other person will respond and based on that we decide that we won’t even bother. But trust me when I say that what YOU have to say, what you feel and what you want IS IMPORTANT!

Strengthening your intimate relationship – do you remember why you fell in love? 

Talk about that magic moment when things changed or that process of dating.  Reminisce and bring back those feelings of excitement.  Go back to the beginning: go on dates even if they are at home and after the kids are put to bed. Talk on the phone or sext each other, find time for intimacy- give him that knowing look or touch, the little secretive laughs, fan the flames! 

Let your husband know he still does it for you…laugh together, find time to make love, it really is the barometer of the relationship. Appreciate the small things and value each other!

If you follow these tips then you are well on your way to getting what you want and need. Want more tips?  Message me and we can look at ways that are specific to you needs.

And if all of these are too much then pick one or two and remember your worth then go out and OWN 2016!

About Ali

My name is Ali Wilks  and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton,  Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too)  and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

You might be interested in

stepmom and stepchildren

Getting to Know your Stepchild

Published on
Ali Wilks
Ali Wilks – Certified Stepfamily Coach

In my last article, Stepparenting from the step-child’s perspective, I  shared a perspective on the loss and grief of a child going through their parent’s divorce and what those behaviours look like.  

An important piece to keep in mind about the grief cycle is that there may not be a clear or definitive end to the grieving. 

There are many variables playing a role on how the cycle plays out so to expect an end point isn’t realistic. So don’t expect them to be over it already when the process gets drawn out.

Think about it this way: when you break your arm and it’s in a cast and you are in a busy crowd at the morning market you protect your arm.

During grief and loss kids get emotionally bumped into with broken hearts every time they go back and forth between  the two homes.

So in the meantime, why not learn some ways to support the grieving child in your home? 

Some of you are birth moms in addition to being a stepmom. 

It is harder to parent a grieving child if you are still grieving yourself.  Sure you have re-partnered but there still maybe some residual grief going on.

Yes your life has improved and you have found love and that’s great.  But you still have marital or common law failure (your divorce or separation) in your repertoire and that can still be painful. That’s normal by the way: to be happy and in love but still feeling the pangs of loss and disillusionment and maybe a lot of residual anger too. 

So if this is the case be EXTRA gentle on yourself: Extra self care. Extra patience. Extra permission to be yourself and still grieve those losses.

So what to do with the behaviours you might see in a grieving child?

How do you support this child who is a sad and mad ball of confusion? 

First of all give your step/child the space and the permission to grieve…just like you give to yourself. Punishing grieving behaviours is counter productive and sets the enforcer and child up for failure.

getting to know your stepchild
Getting to know your stepchild.

Keeping routines the same between households helps. If the other home doesn’t have routines all the more reason for you to keep your routines consistent each time the child returns to your home.

Next find some compassion for said child.  No you may not like the behaviours being exhibited but they have just lost the only life they have ever known.  No matter how dysfunctional their life was with fighting or disengaged parents it wasn’t their choice to have their parents separate. They may even blame themselves for it.  Their parents are no longer together and their home is no longer the same. 

These are two very key pieces for children to feel safe and secure.  The rug has been pulled away from them and their world is upside down.

Safety and security means calm.

It means being able to navigate stress – which divorce clearly is for adults but particularly for the kids. Keep in mind they don’t have the same coping tools as grown ups. So give them some you use, making sure it’s child friendly though (in other words if wine is your coping tool of choice find something kid friendly).

Things your child would find comforting, especially at night for the littles, is also important.

Another suggestion is to engage in non-threatening activities. A good idea is parallel activities or shoulder to shoulder activities-where they don’t have to look you in the eye and is fun and keeps them distracted from their grief (playing video games, putting a puzzle together, crafting).

A critical piece in supporting your child – YOUR self care. 

Yes you read that right.  That means if you are replenishing yourself then it’s a whole lot easier to not take things personally and when they do lash out at you, you have the head and heart space to let it roll off you.

And set some boundaries.

There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and letting your partner deal exclusively with their own child and the behaviours they exhibit. So take a deep breath,  find your own space to replenish and find some supportive friends to vent to.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com) and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton,  Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents.

These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too)  and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

You might be interested in

Stepparenting from the Stepchild’s Perspective

Published on
Ali Wilks
Ali Wilks – Certified Stepfamily Coach

We all can agree that step-parenting is hard.  And sometimes we have a really hard time loving the stepkids or even liking them.

But I want to shed a little light on loss and grief for kids. This may partially explain why it’s so hard to connect with the stepkids or even establish a positive relationship with them.

We can all agree that divorce is a profound loss. With significant loss comes grief. Grief has it’s own cycle and it’s own timelines. For most couples divorce is devastating. For children this may be even more devastating, life altering in ways we may not fully understand. The type of loss that literally turns their world upside down.

I remember reading a book on the impact of divorce on children almost 25 years ago for personal reference.

The information in it was about how the experience of divorce for kids and the experience of the death of a parent are very similar. 

The biggest difference is that with divorce you can see or spend time with the parent for things like visits, birthdays or holidays.  But that contact can be a reminder of the loss and re-experiencing the loss on an on-going basis. Like ripping a scab off a deep wound and having it open again. It can take so much longer to heal.

From the adult’s perspective we eventually learn to move on, we meet someone special and we remarry. We are happy!  BUUT not so much for the kids. And when parents are unavailable to help the kids sort out their stuff- because the parents themselves are grieving, scared and in pain- that adds to the kids’ insecurity and fear.

Kids go through the same stages as we do.  Shock, protest, despair and adjustment.

Stepparenting from the Stepchild's PerspectiveShock may look like compliance.  We can call this the honeymoon stage. You know best behaviour kind of stuff. Or maybe you’ll see aloofness because they aren’t sure about you yet and you haven’t earned the authority figure role yet.

Protest may look like anger and defiance-like in your face and screw- you- you’re- not- my- real- mom attitude. This phase in particular can get really drawn out.  Especially if they have parents at either residence adding fuel to the fire.

Despair is like depression and it looks like they’ve given up. Perhaps they understand or at the very least have resigned themselves to the fact that the fantasy of their parents getting back together is no longer a reality. That is a painful reality to hold onto.

Adjustment is when things are finally going well, and they have accepted what’s happened to them. The divorce isn’t hanging over them like a ghost haunting them and they are able to move on in their lives as well.  Things are more positive and a new normal is achieved. Your relationships with your stepchildren are more viable because they are seeking new relationships.

Timelines for grief and loss are very personal. We all have anticipated deadlines for grief but when it comes to our children those timelines need to be adjusted. And when the child is going back and forth between parents’ homes that process can be drawn out over a longer period than what would be considered normal or typical. 

Kids might get stuck in the protest phase. If they have a mom who’s helping them make their protest signs and fuelling the flames that stage might get a little bit comfortable for them.

Unfortunately you may be the easy target for that pent up fear and anger. And it’s way easier to blame you when they aren’t loyal to you. It’s a loss and grief cycle that is being misdirected at you. Understanding this perspective can also ease the burden of you feeling like the bad guy and feeling like you can’t win.  This is about disengaging from the negative behaviours playing on centre stage and making clear boundaries for yourself.  Self care ladies self care!

Stay tuned for my next blog in my loss and grief series: how do we support our children to heal while we are supporting ourselves to heal.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com)  and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton,  Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too)  and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

t:  1-780-233-8484

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

You might be interested in

Stepmother
/

8 Things Divorced Moms Should Know About Stepmoms

Published on
  1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Jenna Korf
Jenna Korf Co-author of the book, “Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict”

Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.

Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.

They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.

  1. It’s not about YOU.

A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”

The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.

She’s trying to do the right thing.

Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.

  1. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.

Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.

It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.

In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.

  1. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.

Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.

Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.

  1. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Stepmom
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.

Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”

Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.

They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.

Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.

But they don’t.

This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.

Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.

  1. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.

This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.

  1. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren. There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human.

Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.

And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.

Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.

But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.

  1. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.

Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.

Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.

They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.

I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.

Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?

Sure, just as some moms do.

But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here: being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom, could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?

Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.

 

Jenna Korf is the leading stepmom coach in Upstate New York. She is co-author of the book, “Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict” (read a free chapter here), a Certified Stepfamily coach, an RCI Certified Relationship coach, a Registered Nurse, a continuing education provider for therapists (License #PCE 5195), a stepmom and a stepchild!

In addition to coaching stepmoms and couples around the globe, Jenna offers a certification course in stepfamily dynamics through Stepfamily-Help.com. She was also a contributing writer for StepMom Magazine (2011-8/2015), a blogger for The Huffington Post and has been featured on CNN.com, parenting.com and care.com. She was also the stepmom voice on the (now defunct) blog No One’s the Bitch.

 

 

You might be interested in

on being a stepmum

On Being a Stepmom – Lessons Passed Down

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless

A few weeks ago I attended a silent auction fundraiser with two lovely ladies who also happen to be stepmoms (yes, we ARE everywhere). Conversation moved easily from work to travel to husbands to how much we spend on our hair.

Toward the end of the evening, after we had lost all of our bids, not won the 50/50 (this is why I don’t play the lottery), and had a couple of glasses of wine, the talk moved to steplife.

Interestingly, the three of us represented a kind of “time scale of stepmothering”:

Stepmom 1: in relationship 1.5 years; stepkids ages 7-9
Stepmom 2: in relationship 5 years; stepkids ages 13-20
Stepmom 3: in relationship 12 years; stepkids ages 20-28

As Stepmom 1, I saw this as a great opportunity to get a glimpse of what life looks like down the road. It was like meeting with a psychic who can’t actually tell you concrete details of your future. So… it was like meeting with a psychic!

Just kidding… if you’re a psychic please email me. Maybe you can help me with this 50/50 lotto thing.

Anyway, we shared some stories and experiences, commiserating on issues around money, parenting, expectations, and of course, the bio mom. It was fascinating to see how stepfamily situations change as children grow up, to see how dynamics and perspectives shift. I know what you’re thinking, every situation is different and the life of another stepmom in no way reflects what is in store for me and my family. You’re right. But I still found such value in hearing their stories.

A couple of things I learned:

Lesson #1. As time passes, stepmoms may maintain a level of distance with their stepkids.

Both Stepmom 2 and Stepmom 3 are intelligent, busy, independent women that I look up to in many ways. In my mind, I had imagined growing closer to my stepkids over time. After all, any relationship grows through stages of familiarity – why should this be any different?

What I heard from my table companions that evening is that despite years spent with their partners, their relationships with their stepkids did not necessarily become stronger or tighter; rather, they came to develop a mutual respect and acceptance of one another. While they supported their partners in parenting and were a part of family holidays, dinners, and celebrations, Stepmoms 2 and 3 ultimately focused on their marriage and let the dads do the dad-work.

Lesson #2. When all is said and done, it doesn’t get any easier.

I know, I know, this sounds very negative and pessimistic. I can see your heads all hanging in mutual resignation. But not so fast! I think this is actually a good thing. Allow me to explain…

stepmotherhoodThere are a lot of challenges and complexities when you form a stepfamily (duh, right?), and for me, I always focused on the future… “Oh things will be easier down the road”… “The longer I’m in the kids’ lives, the closer we’ll get”… “The co-parenting issues won’t bother me as much when we’ve been together for years”…

When, until, after, then, tomorrow, next year, a few years, teenagers, college, later, later, later, later, later…

To be honest, the notion that it doesn’t really get easier gave me a sense of relief. Now I could stop waiting for that magical time when things were suddenly easier, better, predictable, stress-free. I could accept that this life, steplife, is tough, and that’s okay. You’re not failing if you get frustrated, you’re not failing if you cry, you’re not failing if you need to take a weekend away to recharge. You’re not failing if you’re not a “bonus mom” to your stepkids.

(As a side note, I think that term is crap. It makes me think of that slightly larger bottle of shampoo in the drug store that promises 20% more than your regular sized bottle. I don’t see myself as adding more of what their mom gives them. I can hold a separate place in their lives, and love them and support them, but I’m not an extra mom. I’m just regular ol’ me, and I like to think I bring something new and different to their lives. You may not agree, and that’s totally okay. Whatever term, title, name, works for you – embrace it! No matter what, your stepkids are lucky to have such an amazing person in their lives) J

Anyhoo, back to the discussion at hand. Where was I? Oh right, the lessons I learned. You can stop waiting for the pieces to fall into place. You can stop putting pressure on the future and on your family, because there will always be negotiations to make, boundaries pushed and implemented, highs and lows, tears and laughter.

My relationship with my two stepkids has without doubt grown in strength, trust, and affection. So I don’t think Lesson #1 will be true for me. As I write this, nine year-old O is playing a game on the iPad, smooshed up against me on my kind sized bed. He periodically breaks my concentration by saying, “Look at this! Look at the bad guy! Watch me build a castle!”, and I couldn’t ask for a better interruption.

So there’s no telling what the situation will look like in five, ten, twenty years. Well, there’s no telling what’s in store tomorrow, let alone years from now! I guess we try to make each day a good one for the people we love, and stop focusing so much on what’s to come. Sounds simple, because it really is.

And honestly, if that means taking three hours to write this instead of one, because I’m also being taught how to play Minecraft, bring it on. Lesson learned.

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her fiancée Matt will marry later this year, and share their home with Matt’s two little ones – 8 year-old Oliver and 6 year-old Waverleigh .

You might be interested in