absent fathers

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Absent Fathers Lost Sons

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Accredited Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

In my previous article, I wrote about divorced fathers and their children.

I put across some really important research that helps you know and understand just how vital your presence, as a father is, in your child’s life now and way into the future.

I am writing this new post after watching an episode of Dr Phil in which he is dealing with a family where dad is…not being very nice to put it extremely mildly.

Dad, in this episode seems to be completely oblivious to what the role of a father truly entails.

His behaviour, words and actions are absolutely destroying his children and the sad thing is he doesn’t seem to see it.  He just doesn’t seem to know or realise what he is doing to his children.

In this episode, Dr Phil has invited Dr Zimbardo, a well known and very, very experienced psychologist and author of The Demise of Guys, onto the show and after listening and watching for a while this is what Dr Zimbardo had to say about our young men and boys following his research findings.

Very scary…

“One of the things we have discovered is that boys are failing. Boys are really dropping out of life. They are failing academically, socially and when they get to be men, they are failing sexually. And we have identified some of the reasons, some of the culprits:

  •  It’s excessive isolation of playing of video games. They become addictive.
  • It’s excessive isolation watching pornography online which is addictive 
  • The absence of fathers.
absent fathers
40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father

40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father, from divorce, from separation, from father’s being absent and boys need fathers more than girls need fathers. Girls get what they would need from mothers.

Boys need guidance, they need boundaries, they need motivation, they need role models…

To have an abusive father is worse than having no father.

To make somebody feel that he is worthless, to undercut his sense of mastery, of course he’s going to fail. You never, every undercut their sense of self-esteem…because what you’re doing is destructive. You are harming them psychologically and even physically.”

So if you make up part of the absent fathers statistics or an abusive one then know what it is that you are doing to your children.  You’re not just hurting them now, in this present moment, you are harming for them for life.  You are changing who they are and getting them to be who they shouldn’t be.

You can change that.  It’s never too late to repair the damage caused.  Start with the small things.  Become aware of how destructive your words and actions are and don’t feel too big to apologise and make it right.

Admitting that you didn’t do the right thing by your child or children is one of the first and most important steps you can take in this healing journey.

You, as the father may have had an abusive relationship with your own father or grew up as one of the many children who live experienced absent fathers lives.

You may have been a victim of hurtful and soul destroying words and actions and it’s true what they say, you cannot give what you don’t have.  But once you know that this had been your own journey, is it not time to fix it?

As Dr Phil puts it in the show:

“We have an old saying in Texas that sometimes you have to rise above your raising.

You maybe raised by people that aren’t doing a very good job but there’s a point in which you’ve got to rise above your raising. You’ve got to say, “you know what, that’s just something I’ve got to do.” That’s just something I’ve got to do on my own.

Sometimes, the sad fact is that we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else.

And you may have assumed some kind of a role and you can sit around and say, “Well the guy that could have picked and lifted me up didn’t,” and I’m sorry that that’s your experience of him. But you are firstly approaching adulthood and you’ve got to give yourself permission to believe in who you are because the more you know who you are, the less vulnerable you are to what other people tell you who you are.”

So yes, know, accept and realise that that has been your journey into manhood.  Rise above it and get to know you who you are, who you truly are.

Do you?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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families going through divorce

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part II

Published on
Susan Leigh www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Click here for Part I of Susan’s article on Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers.

  •  Deciding to tell the children together enables the children to see their parents being respectful, behaving in a fair and reasonable way, trying to stay civil and manage the transition as well as possible.

It allows an opportunity to show that they’re co-operating, providing time to answer questions, presenting a united front.

It’s important for children to see that this was a joint decision, not a matter of Dad deciding to walk away and leave them. Personal issues between parents can be minimised at this time to avoid one parent being perceived by the children in a bad light. Children rarely need to be apprised of too much detail about the split.

  • Provide stability and routine and let children know how they will be affected by any changes to their living arrangements. If possible try to keep their routine as familiar as possible as children like to feel secure and settled.

Grandparents may be able to help if they have the time and patience to add extra support, good listening skills and a safe pair of hands. Inform teachers so that they can be attentive to any changes in the children’s behaviour and provide extra understanding and support if necessary.

  • absent fathers www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukChildren need to be reassured that they are loved and will be able to see their father regularly, will be able to communicate by phone or email whenever they want or need. Hopefully father will continue to live in the vicinity, otherwise seeing the children for a quick visit, taking them to school or attending parents evenings can prove difficult.
  • New partners can be a difficult area for ex-partners and for children.

Be sensitive to the children if there is a new girlfriend on the scene. Some men choose to live on their own for a while after the divorce to give their children time to settle and become accustomed to the new domestic arrangements.

It’s best to tentatively introduce the idea of a girlfriend to the children, letting them see her occasionally, for short periods until they get used to the idea.

Children are not stupid, they often understand far more than they admit, but being respectful of them and equally demonstrating respect for their mother allows children to become more accepting of everyone’s need to move on.

Divorce is often a time of huge disruption for children.

Over time they get used to tension between their parents, come to accept arguments as normal but this in no way means that it’s ok for them.

When parents decide to divorce it is important for them to be sensitive to their children’s needs and help them come to terms with the situation.

Take time to listen to what they say, how they behave and appreciate the impact that enforced changes and upheaval have upon their young lives.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Divorced Dads

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part I

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

These days we find that many children are being raised in single parent households or in households where the father figure is not their birth parent.

No matter how sensitive and understanding the step father may be, it can still be difficult for children; questioning how or why their father had to leave them and the family home, maybe worrying that they were somehow responsible.

Divorced Dads – Children may have several concerns at this time:

  • He wants to live his own life and forget about us.  Children may feel hurt and angry, be concerned that they became too much of a burden for their dad to continue supporting them.

They often need reassurance that they were not responsible for the decision for him to leave. They need to know that it was their parent’s relationship that failed, that     it was their parent’s decision to end the arguing, bad atmosphere, indifferent or destructive relationship. Even so children may question their father’s loyalty and   think that he is being selfish in leaving them.

  • Children tend to take things personally and can feel rejected and unloved as a consequence of their father leaving.

They may suspect that there was something about them, their behaviour, a flaw of some kind that prompted their father to decide that he couldn’t stay. Surely if they had been lovable enough he would have stayed, he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to leave. They may even suspect that he was relieved to go, that he didn’t care enough to stay or that they were especially difficult or unworthy of him remaining.

  • Some children feel distressed that they weren’t asked where they would like to live, weren’t included in the arrangements about their lives.

It is often assumed that children will live with their mother, it’s often the more practical of options, but some children   have a better relationship with their father and would choose to live with him if they were allowed. Children may feel excluded, confused at what’s happening and may not fully understand or appreciate the reasoning behind certain decisions.

  • He prefers to be with someone else. Discovering that their father has another relationship can be difficult for children, especially if that woman has children of her own who live with her/them. They may feel that he prefers to be with his ‘new’ children, they’re a part of his new life. They may feel relegated to his old life, the life he has chosen to walk away from.

Click here for Part II 

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Fatherless Children – Are You Able to do What Brandy has Done?

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How This Father and Son Who Reunited on Oprah’s Lifeclass Are Building a New Relationship on the Fatherless Children series.

Watch and listen to what Brandy did.

Would you do the same?

Aveion Cason is a former NFL running back who spent nine seasons playing in the pros—and he grew up fatherless. Yet when Aveion had a son of his own, he was absent from his child’s life, continuing the cycle of fatherlessness. They reconnected for the first time in nine years on Oprah’s Lifeclass.

After the show, Aveion, his son, Aveion Jr. and the boy’s mother, Brandy, all made brave choices.

Here’s an update on how they are doing today.

Support for fatherless children.

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