Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist
Family Law in Partnership
On a recent walk with this article in my mind, I noticed that the trees that were planted locally to me for the Jubilee had grown so tall and green since they were tiny little seedlings a few years ago. Inside a circular fence to protect them from deer, I couldn’t help but think how it is the healthy boundary in place around these trees that is supporting them to grow. When we have helpful boundaries in place, it can help us grow, and our relationships too. Healthy boundaries are an investment for our relationships. In this sense they are different from the fence that keeps the deer out, because healthy boundaries aren’t just about keeping people out. They are about helping us to feel more able to show up in our relationships. They help to make the relationships that we want to keep grow and flourish, rather than become places that we try to avoid or feel resentful about.
Of course, there will be some relationships in our life that we won’t want to invest in and will want to walk away from. But in divorce it can be quite difficult to walk away, especially where children are involved. Not just the relationship with a co-parent, but also with the wider family. In order for these relationships to be supported post-divorce you might want to focus on trying to set healthy boundaries.
When I work with couples who are separating, who are able to talk to each other and discuss things with each other, healthy boundaries evolve out of them being able to air each of their concerns, acknowledge them, listen to them, and plan around them. For example, they might have a conversation about how they are going to live in their home together until it is sold, addressing aspects like how they are going to communicate about their comings and goings, how they are going to share out childcare responsibilities between them, even what the deal is when the milk runs out. When these things are worked out mutually and clearly and the agreement is stuck to it can really support the atmosphere in the house during this period of their lives, which is often difficult. Call them ground rules, call them boundaries – what we are really talking about is how we can make this situation work for everyone.
What strikes me about these conversations is that there is a lot that may not have needed to be discussed in such depth when a couple were together, but once a couple separate, paradoxically, there can be more to discuss and more boundaries to set. Don’t assume your partner is a mind-reader – it is helpful if you can be clear about what works for you.
Of course, it isn’t always possible to have these conversations in a straightforward way or without the help of a third party, so here are my tips to support productive conversations about boundaries:
- Use “I” statements to support not putting each other on the defensive. For example, instead of “you’re so annoying, why do you keep emailing me so much, you have to stop”, the shift would be something like “I am struggling to keep on top of all the emails you send me and I wonder if we could do it a different way – perhaps to agree on a time where we put it all into one email at the end of the week.”
- You don’t have to agree with someone to listen to them and acknowledge where they are coming from. It can really support making boundaries if you can listen to a concern and acknowledge it, because when both people feel heard it’s more likely you will be willing to work to something creatively between you.
- Schedule times to talk rather than spontaneously – and if something comes up spontaneously and you feel that you aren’t ready to talk about it just that minute, you can set your own boundary by saying something like “I know it’s important for us to talk about that but I think the conversation will be more useful if I’ve had a bit of time to think about that. Can we talk about it at this specific time?”
What about conversations that aim to set healthy boundaries with wider family members? The principles above can support these conversations. Sometimes it can feel strange or more intimate than you are used to with members of the family to express your needs or feelings about certain areas of your life. It can be helpful to preface these kinds of conversations with something like “now that we are getting divorced, I wonder if we could have a chat about how it’s going to work when the kids come to stay with you.” There may be some important things you need to explain to be clear with the wider family, and this will be more powerful if it comes from both of you. For example:
- We have agreed between each other not to badmouth each other in front of the children. We feel this really supports the children and we would ask you to support us on this.
With this kind of thing – you can’t really control other people and set boundaries around them. What you are doing is modelling the boundary that you have agreed, and asking for people’s support with doing so, as well as being clear about what you feel it is important.
In all the relationships around you, take time to think about what matters to you, as the clearer you feel about it, the clearer you will be able to express it to others. Being clear about your needs may not come easily to you, depending on your experiences. Starting small with communicating something that matters to you in a constructive way to your ex, or to a family member, can be the start of practising this muscle.
Read more articles by Jo Harrison.
About Jo Harrison
Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.
If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk