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Divorce and bitter

Divorced and Bitter? How to Move on from a Broken Relationship

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Getting your life back after divorce can be hard, especially when you’re over 50.

There are financial issues, retirement, and logistics issues that leave us feeling exhausted, wondering if we’ll ever move on and feel happy.

Among these stressors, one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome when recovering from divorce is one that can grab hold of even the most patient of people.

Being bitter about what happened with the divorce.

Bitterness is nasty.

What makes it so ugly is that it has a tendency to turn you, an otherwise kind and reasonable person, into someone who is so angry at their own life situation that it is impossible to recover—exactly what you need to do as you move on with the next chapter in your life.

Bitterness after divorce makes it hard for people to be around you. It makes it hard for you to focus on all the good stuff you have going on in your life. And it keeps you from moving on.

This feeling is a combination of anger, disappointment, and resentment at being treated unfairly. Did you notice that? The verb treated is in the past tense, and it deals with things that happened that you cannot change and cannot control.

The more you continue to look in the past, the harder it becomes to plan your future. And your happiness. And the rest of your life.

So, knock it off. And start channeling those feelings and that energy into planning your new life. Feeling resentful because of being treated unfairly during your marriage sucks. It’s completely not fair and not right that your ex did not treat you with the love and respect that you deserved.

But remember, that the longer you allow yourself to feel angry because of the harm this person did to you during your marriage, the longer and easier it is for them to have control over you.

After 50, we become women of finite emotional energy. Don’t waste it on the spouse you are no longer with.

There is most likely a reason that you are no longer with that person, and being divorced after 50 has given you the chance to start over and do things on your own terms. So why let your ex have any more control over you?

This is your chance to define who you are, what it is that you want, and where it is that you want to be. And that sure has nothing to do with your ex being able to dictate how you feel, which is exactly what happens when you’re resentful.

You can let it go. You deserve to let it go.

Exercise: How to let the bitterness go.

  • Write down—and be specific—about the things that are exactly making you bitter. But don’t spend much time reflecting on that type of stuff for a number of reasons. One, because the factors leading up to you feeling that way are in your past, which you can’t change. Two, because the only way you can overcome those feeling is to reframe how you think of it and focus on the future instead. Need some examples? Take a look below!

I feel bitter because I got screwed over with money in the settlement.

I feel bitter because I see my ex moved on with their new relationship and I’m still here with nothing.

  • Reframe it. The problem with bitterness is that it forces us to look at something in the negative light, when it is a blessing in disguise.

I’m bitter because my ex has moved on and I’m still here. Okay, so I’m not with my ex anymore, but that means that I don’t have to put up with all their craziness. Oh, so he/she has a new partner? Well, let them deal with my ex—I am better off without them and now I am free and my life is now my own. They actually did me a favor. I am better off without my partner, and if anything, I can actually feel happy and relieved that such toxicity is no longer in my life, dragging me down.

You do not have to fight the battle alone.

It’s normal to have some residual hard feelings after a split. However, if you find yourself not being able to shake it, remember that you have options for reaching out for a little assistance. Depending on your needs, you may find that working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you pinpoint what is holding you back and can help you move on.

You should not have to be a prisoner to feeling bitter, and there is no reason that it needs to control your life. The amazing future that comes after letting go is waiting for you.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a certified divorce recovery coach whose website, “Surviving Your Split,” helps readers break out of their divorce rut, regain their confidence, and move on with their lives.

For your free gift, “The Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide,” stop by survivingyoursplit.com today or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com

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What to do when your Spouse Leaves you.

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

“I’m leaving.”

“I want out of this marriage.”

“We both know this isn’t working (but you didn’t know!). I’m moving out.”

“I want you out of the house. I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

It’s devastating when your spouse ends things without warning, especially when things seemed good to you, and there had been no signs that things were bad.

But here’s where it gets sticky.

Trying to figure out the “why did they leave?” is going to slow down, or even stop, your healing.

You may have spent months…even years…wracking your brain, trying to figure out why your spouse just up and left when you thought your marriage was fine. You may have tossed and turned in your bed at night, unable to sleep, trying to figure out if there was a certain day or time or life event or something you said that would have caused your spouse to just decide they no longer wanted to be with you.

And you tell yourself as you dissect the past that if as soon as you get the answers, as soon as your ex gives you the explanation that you are owed, then…and only then…can you get that closure.

Here’s Ugly Truth #1: you may not get the closure you want.

Ooooooh, I know that stings. But it’s true.

Does your spouse owe you can explanation of why they blindsided you?

Hell yes. It’s the decent, kind, and human thing to do. When you are married to person for years—even decades—one would think that the person who stood by their side and made sacrifices (that’s you) at least deserves an explanation and a heads-up.

But the truth of the matter is, a spouse who goes out of their way to just leave you hanging who did not give you an explanation when they left, will probably not give you an explanation later.

They are most likely showing their character with the manner in which they decided to leave the marriage, and it’s unlikely that they are somehow going to get a visit from the Human Decency Fairy and knock on your door to a) apologize and b) explain. Chances are, it will not happen, so you may not get that closure you crave from them.

Ugly Truth #2: Being a detective of the past will get you nowhere.

Oh, I know that your head and the logical part of you already know this truth. But your heart is a completely different story.

“That’s BS! If I can only find a reason why, then I’ll be able to move on!”

“I can’t move on until he or she tells me why they changed!”

I get it. You want those answers. You want to know why. You want to corner your ex-spouse, tie them up and sit them at a chair, where they cannot go until they provide you a full and concise explanation of why they did it, how long they thought about leaving, if they were thinking of leaving the last few times you were at dinner together, sharing the bed, going on vacation, the list goes on and on.

You want to be the archeologist or detective, looking for clues to why your spouse left, assuming that those clues to the past will make you feel better.

Okay, so let’s suspend reality for a second and let’s say that your spouse gives you a full explanation. What if your spouse tells you a line-by-line account, day-by-day, of why they left.

Then what?

How will that make you feel? Will it somehow make you feel vindicated?

Probably not. It may make you feel worse, and guess what?

It’s the same damn outcome. It’s still going to leave you in the same place you are now, which is trying to figure out how to establish your independence and move the hell on with your life. But the only difference is you’ve spent a more emotional energy playing detective than the joker who left you deserved. Your emotional energy is finite during this recovery time. Don’t waste it on playing detective—invest it on yourself.

Ugly Truth #3: If you want closure, it may have to come from within.

Someone who left you without an explanation is someone who DOES NOT deserve to spend the rest of your life with you. It doesn’t matter if they were your spouse, co-parent, partner for years. If they walk out the door without having enough decency to let you know why, you are better off finding the closure and moving on yourself.

You don’t need them to move on. Waiting on them to tell you, and wasting your time playing detective trying to solve that mystery they left for you is robbing you of the precious time and energy that you should be investing in your own recovery, healing, and moving on.

You don’t have to figure this stuff out by yourself.

No one’s saying you have to go through this process alone. In fact, thinking you have to just suck it up can actually stifle your healing process and that’s not cool, either.

There is ton of resources out there that you can go to for help. There are specialized resources that deal specifically with abandonment issues. A great place that specifically addresses spouse abandonment is the website Runaway Husbands, which has a great community of folks who all share a similar story—both men and women are welcome!

So, how about you? Are you dealing with spouse abandonment? What helps your healing process? And what type of advice would you share with others going through the same?

More articles by Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” show readers how to get their confidence back after divorce so they can get out of their rut and move on with lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

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Feeling rejected

Feeling Rejected? This Could be a Good Thing

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Rejection sucks.

There’s no way around it. As we learn to move on after divorce, even the strongest of us can’t help but feel like we did something wrong when the person we loved and cared about and spent our lives with as a partner suddenly doesn’t want to be with us anymore.

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“What could I have done differently?”

These thoughts—the “shoulda coulda woulda” thoughts that hijack our brains and healing—have a nasty way of creeping up on us as we try to regain our confidence and self-esteem.

Many times, we think that we are to blame for the fact that our decades-long marriage ended. That self-blame usually leads us to feel rejected, like we are not worthy of love as we start this new chapter in our lives.

It’s time we start looking at rejection in a different way—one that will empower us instead of a stupid feeling that continues to hold us down and questions ourselves and steal us of our self-worth.

So, the next time you are feeling bad because of a recent rejection—whether it is from the end of your long marriage, or because the person you were dating and liked decided not to return your calls, or if you do not get hired for the job you were hoping for, remember the following.

Rejection is like those trippy fun house mirrors. It is not a reflection of you or your self-worth.

You know the ones I’m talking about—whenever you go to a carnival or a visit a beach boardwalk—two activities that many of you may have enjoyed this summer—you may pass one a long mirror that you may stop in front of.

What do you see there?

Do you see your smiling reflection looking back? The one that reflects the wise and strong person you are?

Nope—instead, you see this warped vision of yourself, with a stretched-out head or shortened legs, and you look silly. It’s not you. And it’s not a reflection of you. You know this, so you probably just laugh and continue enjoying yourself.

Rejection is the same thing. The fact that somebody doesn’t want to be with you anymore has nothing to do with you—it has everything to do with the craziness the rejecter is projecting on to you.

Their rejection is that stupid fun-house mirror. And your reaction to that rejection—the one where you wonder what you did wrong, or why they don’t love you anymore, is nothing more than the silly stretched head and widened body you see in the silly mirror.

It’s not you. It’s not your reflection. So instead of just standing in front of the mirror, worrying how it makes you look, go ahead and step away from it, because it has nothing to do with you.

Instead of staying in the prison of rejection, thinking that it defines who you are, you move away from it, focus on what makes you feel good, what you are proud of in this life, and everything that you have accomplished.

Once you focus on yourself, there’s something very important you need to understand. It’s a secret about rejection that many don’t know, and few know how to integrate.

Rejection is a gift because it’s you dodging a bullet.

When I think of all the times I was rejected, at the time I thought my world was ending. But now I realize these things were actually a HUGE blessing in disguise.

A few months ago, I was laid off from a job because the corporate big-wigs said I wasn’t needed anymore.

But looking back, I knew that rejection actually served me well because it meant I was leaving a company that no longer valued me, and it was giving me a chance to pursue work that was more professionally and spiritually satisfying. If that rejection hadn’t happened, who knows?

I’d probably still be there, unhappy and unfulfilled.

Years ago, I was dumped by somebody I was dating and I remember feeling like my world had ended. But that rejection turned out to be a blessing in disguise because being out of that relationship helped me realize how unhealthy and controlling it had been, spending time with someone who did not deserve my love.

And the rejections that you are dealing with at this time in your life, although varied, are actually the same at their core.

The rejection of your partner not wanting to be in that relationship anymore, or that person not returning your calls, or that boss that doesn’t appreciate you who is letting you go, is actually the universe saying, “Hey! You deserve better than this BS! Consider this your wake-up call to go and work on yourself, find out what makes you happy, and establish your independence!

And when you’re learning to get your life back, what better gift is there?

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

 

Feature Image – Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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Getting through the holidays after divorce or separation

Getting through the Holidays after Divorce or Separation

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

For many of us, the holidays can feel dark, lonely, and stressful—especially if we are going through or recovering from divorce.

And instead of looking forward to the beautiful decorations, smell of baking pies, and holiday songs on the radio, we instead may feel triggered by sadness.

Moving on from divorce and our lives does not mean that we cannot enjoy the holidays. In fact, we can even make them better than over before when we remember the following.

Manage expectations, but remain optimistic.

For years, we have been inundated with people telling us how the holidays “should” be. It could be from watching impossibly staged meals on cooking shows. It might be from pictures we see in the media of the perfect holidays, or from family members who say “but we’ve always done it this way.”

We have been taught to do whatever everybody else wants to do. Often, we have never learned to imagine how we want the holidays to be for ourselves.

So, it’s no wonder why we feel lonely or stressed when we are spending the holidays alone!

These unrealistic expectations of perfect holidays and families getting along have conditioned us to feel as if we are not up to those standards. We feel that we are wrong, and that we’re not celebrating the holidays “the right way.”

You have worked too hard over the years and deserve more than to get sucked into the idea that you’re doing the holidays wrong.

This year, it is time to envision what the best holiday season means for you, regardless of where you are in your life.

If you are alone, you are still worthy of celebrating the season any way you like.

A change in family circumstance does not mean you are sentenced to feel bad. It just means that you are now given an opportunity to decide how you want the holidays to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Your selective memory may be your worst enemy.

When we are alone, we tend to think about the times when the family was together, when the marriage was strong, and when the holidays were “perfect.”

We’re all guilty of remembering our past holidays when we were still married as perfect.

It’s easy to fall into this trap when we are divorced. But what we forget are all the things that weren’t great during the holidays when we were married. When we shut those not-perfect memories of family holidays out, we are subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure.

We are holding our current holiday mood up to an impossible ideal of selective memories that may not be correct. We do this when we are feeling down, trying to imagine a happier time.

This way of thinking does not serve you because you are holding yourself to an ideal that is impossible to attain. Making yourself feel guilty or resentful or longing for the past will not serve you this holiday season.

The only way to start loving the holidays again is to reclaim for yourself… now.

How to actually embrace the season instead of dreading it.

During the holidays, especially the times when you were married or raising a family, you were probably so caught up in trying to please others. You were almost certainly trying to make things so perfect that you never took the time for yourself.

But overlooking your own needs stops now.

This holiday, especially if you are spending it by yourself and are worried about being lonely, gives you a unique gift. This season, you get to ask yourself and do something for yourself that you may have never had the opportunity to do before. You get to choose the season for yourself.

The first steps to learning to love the holidays again begin here. Celebrating you in this chapter of your life, starts by answering the following questions. Ask yourself:

What do you really want to do?

What will give you joy this holiday season?

What steps will you take to get there?

That is all you must ask yourself. These answers do not have to be complicated. You are not required to spend a lot of money on them.

Now is your chance to take reclaim the holidays.

Shaking off your loneliness and reclaiming the holidays is all about taking care of yourself for a change.

This is the year that you can say “no” to the things from holidays past that you have not enjoyed and that bring you stress, such as traveling, seeing toxic family members, spending too much money.

This is also the year where you can pick the traditions that you love and throw out the rest. This is the year that you can define what a joyous season means to you and choose to celebrate how you want to celebrate.

And learning to love the holidays again, even if you are divorced, starts with kicking those unrealistic expectations to the curb and ignoring the selective memory that plays tricks on you.

These new few weeks can be the season that you finally recognize that you deserve holiday joy and happiness and you have the power to define that on your own terms. Will you accept that gift?

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

 

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going through divorce blessing in disguise
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Can Going Through Divorce be a Blessing in Disguise?

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Divorce is tough. Divorce is even tougher at this stage of your life, when there’s already a million things to think about–retirement, downsizing, taking care of a sick parent–the list goes on and on.

So, when you mix those life events with the heartbreak, stress, and loss of confidence that many experience during divorce, it can all seem like a terrible nightmare, wondering if you’ll be stable or happy again.

That’s a lot of baggage to handle for even the strongest of us.

Even when hard feelings linger, remember that not all of divorce’s after-effects are negative.

For many, divorce can actually be a blessing in disguise.

Divorce gave you the gift to really learn about yourself.

Many of us tend to view divorce as a loss. The years we spent throwing ourselves into the roles of spouses and making sacrifices seem to be for nothing when the marriage ends.

We may struggle with finding a new identify and purpose in our lives.

While this loss seems devastating at first, divorce can actually be the gift you never though you needed. You now have the chance to really discover the true you.

As you depart from the chapter in your life where you were somebody’s spouse, you now have chance to look within.

Being on your own will gives you the opportunity to examine yourself in a way that is difficult if not impossible when coupled. Being alone nudges you to ask the hard questions:

What do I want my new life to be like?

What current obstacles keep me from achieving that life?

What changes must I make to have the future and healthy relationships I want?

Now that you have the ability to look at your life through a different lenses, you have the gift of better understanding yourself—knowing what you want, understanding your triggers and obstacles, and clearly identifying deal-breakers so that you can prevent any unhealthy patterns and dynamics that occurred previously.

Divorce made you a survivor. And survivors can do anything.

Divorce is considered one of the most stressful and traumatic events in life—ranking with death of a loved one, sickness, and unemployment.

While most of us wouldn’t wish these events on anyone, consider this: because you made it through this trauma, you are a survivor.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for manage divorce. Think of all the incredible things you accomplished during that time. You navigated the legal labyrinth.

You held your head up high even during your most painful, heart-breaking moments.  You continued to live and work and take care of your children and carried on with grace despite the fact you were going through a mess.

If that isn’t facing your fears and proving you can do anything, I don’t know what is. You demonstrated to yourself that nothing is insurmountable for you as you continue to move on with your life. Remember these things the next time you are hard on yourself.

Second chances in life are rare. Take the one that divorce gives you.

When we feel devastated, wondering if we’ll ever be able to move on after divorce, it is easy to forget that we are actually given a second chance.

It can be difficult to regard divorce as a second chance when we are overwhelmed and hurt,  but remember the opportunities that divorce has given you.

Whether you had wanted it or not, divorce allows you a “do-over” with your life. It gives you opportunities you never though possible: being happy again, being independent and answering only to yourself, growing and challenging yourself unlike ever before, understanding yourself, and defining life and happiness on your own terms.

It’s not to say that accomplishing these things within a marriage is impossible, but life after divorce accelerates this opportunity, pulling you out of your comfort zone.

So, even if the divorce grief and anger are still there, remember that a gift hides within them. You are a survivor who can do anything.

You now have this incredible power of introspection that can serve as a guide if you let it. And the end of your marriage has given you second chance at life that many others long for but may never receive.

Embrace these divorce blessings and gifts. Your new life is waiting.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split”helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

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stop obsessing over ex

Stop Obsessing Over your Ex! Help is here!

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

As a divorce coach, one of the most common refrain I hear from clients deals with the ex.

The thoughts, the memories, their current actions—dwelling on these things makes it very difficult to move on.

And all these thoughts can creep up on you when you least expect it, especially when the split wasn’t exactly amicable, and when you’re still feeling hurt.

Although healing and moving on from the end of your marriage will not happen overnight, there are some systems you can start using to help you let go of those negative feelings.

So, the next time you start thinking about your ex—wondering why they changed, why they are acting so differently, how they could have moved on so quickly with someone else, how they can be so happy in spite of all of the bad stuff they did to you and all the hurt they have caused—I want you to remember the following.

Your emotional energy is finite. Don’t waste it dwelling on your ex.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. You are learning how to let things go. You are embracing what it means to be independent and on your own. You are discovering what it means to make decisions that are best for you. You are finding out what living life on your own terms means and how to put yourself first for a change.

That’s a pretty awesome to-do list because it focuses on your recovery and you taking your life back. So, where do the following thought patterns fit in with your recovery? You may have had similar thoughts here.

I get so angry thinking about how my ex screwed me over with savings and retirement. Is she trying to bankrupt me? Oh, and when she tries to say I’m not there for the kids? What a pile of crap.

I’ll admit it…I’m envious that my ex has a new man in her life. Damn, she moved on quickly! It makes me feel like crap.

Hmmmmm. I’m having a hard time figuring out where those thought patterns fit.

And do you know why it’s hard figuring out where they fit into your recovery?

Trick question! NONE OF THOSE THOUGHT PATTERNS FIT INTO YOUR RECOVERY BECAUSE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR EX DOESN’T.

Investing your energy worrying about what your ex is doing or harboring resentment of the crap they pulled on you means that you’re only hurting yourself. You’re only slowing down your own recovery. And you’re taking away the gift that this divorce has given you—the gift of a second chance.

You deserve better than that.

And I’m going to help you get there with the following exercise.

Exercise: Ex out, your awesomeness in.

The next time you catch yourself thinking about your ex, do this simple exercise. Or, you can even be proactive about it. Even you’re not thinking about your ex, this is still an amazing shift in your thinking that will help with your divorce recovery. To get you started, take a look at my examples below!

Step 1: Ask Yourself: How does this thought pattern help in my recovery?

This step is the first in decreasing the emotional energy you spend thinking about your ex. And the more mindful you become of asking yourself this question whenever thoughts of the ex start to drag you down, the more in-tuned you can become to letting that negativity go. So let’s take a practice run.

My son mentioned my ex’s “new friend” who was over at the house, and it really made me angry. Did they really move on that fast?

My lawyer said my ex’s lawyer is disagreeing to the terms of the agreement. We’ve been working on this for months and now he wants to change things at the last minute? Why are they being so selfish and difficult?

Wait—how does feeling angry help ME?

Hmmmm. Thinking about the ex doesn’t help me. I am going to acknowledge that I heard the information but then just stop there and not spend my energy thinking about it.

Step 2: Write Down: What can I try instead?

When you become aware of the negative emotions when thinking about your ex, direct that emotion elsewhere—specifically to something positive and healing for you.

I recognize this anger I feel when hearing about my ex. Instead of letting that anger get to me, I am going to flip the switch and channel those emotions into something that serves me.

The next time I realize I’m thinking about my ex, I instead will look forward to all the great stuff going on in my life. I am going to look forward to hitting the gym this evening instead of think about my ex. I am going to spend the 15 minutes I’d spend stewing about my ex and spend that time planning what I’ll do with the kids this weekend.

See what I mean? There’s literally dozens of other awesome things you can spend your emotional energy on that will help your healing, so rock the heck out of those.

Granted, switching this frame of mind may not happen overnight, and it certainly comes with practice. But the more mindful you are and the kindness you show to yourself in the form of channeling those bad feelings into something that’s actually good for you, the less stressed you will be.

About Martha Bodyfelt

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ right now or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

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how to deal with jealousy after divorce

How to Deal with Jealousy after Divorce

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

You know that feeling—some of us know it all too well during and after divorce.

When one of your children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” that is at the ex’s house. The “friend” that was there the whole weekend, who went out to dinner and the movies with them.

Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe, when you’re still stressed out, wondering if you will make it til the next paycheck, let alone ever going somewhere nice for vacation.

Ah, jealousy.

The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, makes us despise our current situation, causes us to put all of our energy and attention on somebody else—when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own life and our own recovery.

Sound familiar?

Today, let’s talk about this paralyzing emotion that brings out the worst in us, and prevents us from moving on with our own lives and finding our own independence and happiness.

And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.

Jealousy is selfish.

Have you ever known someone in your life that was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Hell, you may have been married to that person. Well, jealousy is a bit like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.

And instead of focusing on yourself and your healing, jealously is there instead, being all, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the things they’re doing that are amazing!”

Tell me…what benefit is it to you to be focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is it to you to be thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over? What benefit is it to you to be obsessing over their new partner, house, vacation plans, car, fill in the blank with whatever it is that you’re thinking about that’s going on in your ex’s life that has nothing to do with you?

You already know the answer. Being jealous is of no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?

The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.

Jealousy is also lazy.

You know what’s easier than working on yourself?

Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it than you.

One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts our attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, and how we can learn to heal, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things you can’t control.

And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spend focusing on the most important thing—YOU.

It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex” than to focus on your own finances and schedule, and plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget.

It’s easier to say, “That a-hole already has a new partner! How can this happen! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.

See what I mean?

Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move the hell on. It’s forcing you to stay stuck, unable to move on. Because it’s a lot easier to stew and be hateful over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.

I’m jealous, Martha! So what am I supposed to do?!

I know, I know…you’re human and you may be hurting, not knowing what to do about your jealousy. But here’s a system you can put into place to do something about it!

Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.

The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.

  • Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.

“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”

  • Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.

“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because I feel like financially, I cannot treat myself.

  • Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?

“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go…sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.

How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy?

And if so, what are some of the triggers that make you feel this way?

And, more importantly, what type of steps will you take this week to turn that jealousy into something that puts you first?

ABOUT MARTHA

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

 

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Coping with Life after Divorce – What to do Next

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Divorce is tough for many reasons.

Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction.

The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember.

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS.

Whatever decisions we made through our marriage– whether they were personal or professional – were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us – the obstacles to our vision – are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities – and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks – something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

 

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Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

How to Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

GUILT.

What an ugly word and a terrible feeling.

Guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms before, during, and after divorce. We may feel guilty because of a specific/concrete action we have done, or, more likely, divorce guilt permeates our lives like a mist running through our bodies.

It’s a general, lingering feeling that comes from a variety of factors—things that have nothing to do with us but nevertheless continue to threaten our happiness.

It is normal for many of us to feel like we are to blame for everything leading up to the end of our marriage.

Society certainly has not helped us break from that. Many of us were raised to say, “Sorry” for everything, even though something may not have been our fault.

Culturally, we were taught that keeping the household and marriage successful without any mistakes was our responsibility, without so much a thought that it takes two people in a partnership to make a relationship work.

And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect and act a certain way, when the marriage unraveled, our reaction, was to blame ourselves for it.

But I’m here to tell you to knock that off.

In fact, if you are to move on from divorce, you must remember the following…

In Order to Overcome Guilt, You Must Forgive Yourself. 

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others at home, at work, at Starbucks when the barista screwed up our order for the third time this week, yet, for some reason, we don’t afford ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible and we feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.

But you know what? The only person you have let down is yourself by not being kinder to you. You deserve to breathe, to dream big and plan for the future, to laugh again, to not be judged.

Accepting responsibility for your own shortcomings and working on them to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past

1) is neither helpful nor healthy and

2) doesn’t change a single thing.

So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something awesome as hell, like creating the good life you deserve and the chance to start over?

Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. Right now, you are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.

It’s time to change that way of thinking. Feeling guilty stops now.

I know what you’re thinking, because I went through that same personal hell during my divorce, too.

“But…that’s easier said than done! I just feel so damn guilty all the time!” you may say to yourself.

And you know what? You’re going to until you let all that BS go and just be. Sure, you have made mistakes in the past. But who in the hell hasn’t? Remember that it takes two to tango in a marriage. You must accept that you did everything within your power at the time to make the marriage work. And even if you, for some reason, have still convinced yourself that you didn’t, the past cannot be changed anyway.

So, how do you forgive yourself, exactly? I’m glad you asked.

How to Move on from your Guilt and Forgive Yourself: Reflections and Exercise

When a wave of guilt hits you, please remember this:

Guilt is a gray looming fortress—a mix of the Tower of London and Fort Knox, where you are trapped. But here’s the funny thing—all the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?

Guilt is your past holding you prisoner. It’s impossible to plan for the future if you keep holding yourself in the past.

The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question:

“How will this guilt serve me in the future?”

Think long and hard about this question….

*Momentary pause*

Oh, I see that you are drawing a blank space on answering it.

Gee, that might be because guilt DOES NOT serve you, so let it go. Then do this next step.

Write down why you feel guilty. To get you started, I listed some of the thoughts running through my head when I was dealing with guilt.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner. I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore. Maybe if I had done that, things would have been different. 

Sound familiar? Here’s what you need to understand about the words of guilt.

Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words—they are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create some picture-perfect false reality that doesn’t exist. It’s time to kick that language and those thoughts to the curb.

The next time you find yourself with those thoughts running through your head, nip it in the bud with compassion for yourself and neutralize those words with forgiveness. Remember those guilty thoughts running through your head? Take a look at how to start countering them below, and then write your own counter-thoughts for the things that are making you feel guilty!

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner.

The Forgiveness Mindset: We went to couples therapy when we thought we needed it, and did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.

The Forgiveness Mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both you and your husband. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that. 

Now it’s your turn! Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you, and as long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can keep the Guilt Monster at bay.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers gain clarity and get their confidence back so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

Website: survivingyoursplit.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit

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