Author, Mediator, Lawyer
I want to talk about this not as an adult who went through a divorce, but as a child who lived through her parents’ divorce. I share this perspective because I want parents to understand how vital it is to rediscover themselves and find joy again in the aftermath.
During my parents’ divorce, both of them lost their sense of self. I know this not only because they admitted it, but because I have so many memories of being caught in the middle—trying to mediate their conflicts and fix things no child should have to fix. I remember my dad’s visits, and how my mum would ask me what he said in response to the message I had delivered from her. The heartbreaking part was that my dad would then give me a new message to pass back to her.
Do you know how hard it is for a 13-year-old girl—someone still trying to figure out who she is—to act as a messenger between two adults? Especially about things like, “Why don’t you pay child support?” or “Why won’t you sign over to the kids the properties we bought during our marriage?” No child should have to carry the emotional weight of adult issues.
I still remember how sad that first Christmas after my dad left was. My mum cried constantly. She was heartbroken and lost, and that made me feel desperate and powerless. I was just a child—I didn’t know how to help, and there was nothing I could do to make things better.
Parents need to remember that children don’t have the option to walk away. But believe me, if they could, many would—because no child wants to be in the middle of their parents’ pain, to hear constant accusations, or to be told they’re “just like” the parent who left or betrayed the family.
When you spend your days criticising the other parent and then tell your child they resemble that person, you’re sending a painful, unspoken message: “You might hurt me the same way they did—and I don’t like you because you remind me of them.”
The result of being caught in the middle of my parents’ high-conflict divorce (amicable only on paper) was that I lost myself in the process. You see, I was an introverted child, labeled the “strong one.” Many relatives told me I had to protect my mum because she was alone and had been betrayed by my dad. All of this left me with no space to understand how I truly felt about either of them. The voices and opinions of my parents, grandparents, and uncles drowned out my own. I didn’t have the space to breathe, reflect, or simply feel.
Especially when it came to my dad, I couldn’t tell what part of my pain was mine and what part belonged to my mum. It took me years to untangle that—years to recognise the trauma both of them, in their own ways, caused me. It took me years to trust another person.
When I was proposed to, I didn’t say yes right away. Unlike others, I didn’t feel joy—I felt fear. The proposal brought back all the memories and emotions from my parents’ divorce. The idea of marriage terrified me, because I associated it with loss, pain, and betrayal.
Even now, at 44 years old, with a family and a child of my own, I still struggle with the emotional aftermath. I don’t have the courage to ask my dad to meet his new family—the woman he left my mother for, and with whom he’s been together for more than 20 years—because part of me feels that doing so would be a betrayal of my mum. The truth is, I don’t want a relationship with that woman, even though she is part of my dad’s life. But I would like to meet his son—my half-brother—and I would like my daughter to know her grandfather. Still, the guilt lingers, reminding me that I lost a piece of myself in my parents’ divorce.
So please, if you’re a parent going through a divorce, remember this: finding joy again isn’t just for you—it’s for your children, too. When you reclaim your identity and start to heal, you create a space where your kids can also feel safe, loved, and free to discover who they are—without carrying your pain.
Written by Despina Mavridou, author of the book “Mum, Dad, Can You Hear Me?” She shares her personal story through her writing and her book to help parents understand the unseen impact of divorce on their children—and to remind them that healing themselves is one of the greatest gifts they can give their kids.
Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.
About Despina Mavridou
My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.
I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).
After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.
My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.
Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.
The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.
On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.
On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.