Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd
Getting a hug during times of change
One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.
Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?
Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.
What are these new arms holding us?
Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.
Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets
When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!
Empowering the embrace of change
There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better
Create ritual and structure
Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.
Compassion and kindness to self
Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.
Read more articles by Noel McDermott.
About Noel McDermott
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/