Narcissistic Family Systems – A Staged Life

Here psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin examines narcissistic family systems and how to handle them. In such families, the narcissist, usually a parent or grandparent, demands that everyone meets their needs. They manipulate, shame, guilt trip, gaslight, and rage to maintain control. Narcissistic parents assign roles, control the narrative, and direct every action.

Roles in a Narcissistic Family System

The Narcissist: Rule maker.
The Enabler: Keeps the narcissist happy, consciously or unconsciously.
The Golden Child: Moulded to preserve the narcissist’s image.
The Scapegoat: The individual who speaks the truth or dissents is often labelled as ‘The Problem’. This scapegoat is more likely to experience adverse mental and physical health compared to others.
Understudies and Chorus: These are other children or family who step in when leading cast members are unavailable and cannot fulfil the narcissist’s needs. They are eager to assume these roles and, having observed from a distance, know their lines well.

Healthy families offer unconditional love, a supportive environment for growth, and validation. However, in a narcissistic family, children are seen as extensions of the narcissist and must conform to keep them satisfied. Disobedience, rebellion and any attempt to separate or become independent is likely to result in a narcissistic rage or exclusion. Maintaining the family’s image is paramount and the narcissist will dictate that. The narcissist’s greatest fear is exposure and they will do anything to avoid this happening including harming (directly or indirectly) members of their own family.

Signs of a Narcissistic Family System

Control is often achieved by creating conflict between family members. For example, one sibling might be informed about a business deal while another is not, leading to distrust. This tactic, known as triangulation, is commonly used by narcissists to divide and conquer. They may also exert control by keeping adult children dependent, providing them with resources such as housing, employment, and financial support. This control may even extend to the regulation of food consumption, access to bathrooms, and the availability of heat and light within the home. Tracking or spyware may also be used in the guise of keeping family members safe. It is really a tool for control but is being presented as a caring parent or partner. Manipulation may also be at play in family businesses or dynasties where the narcissist influences education, work, and social life. What appears to be closeness is often a pathological need for control.
All members should uphold the Perfect Family image to minimise conflict. This adaptive response arises from trauma bonding, making it hard to identify unacceptable behaviour until removed from the situation. Additionally, inconsistent parenting creates controlled chaos, leaving children in chronic stress due to unpredictable moods.
Boundaries will be ignored by a narcissist; personal space may be invaded or a diary read. They may overshare personal information that a child is not emotionally mature enough to process.
Punishment is stern, with any dissent potentially resulting in anger, silent treatment, social isolation, and fear. It is important to acknowledge that children who are consistently afraid of their parents are, without exception, experiencing abuse.
Perfectionism is common in narcissistic families. Teachers may observe a child fearing low test scores, as nothing satisfies the narcissistic parent. This extends to decision-making; children capable of contributing are often denied this right because the narcissist believes they know best.
Deception: A narcissistic parent may selectively share information with their child, withholding it from the other parent or family members, thereby influencing family dynamics and perceptions. For example, if a narcissistic parent informs a child of an extramarital affair and instructs them to keep it their secret, this can lead to confusion and distress for the child, creating an environment where trust is compromised. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may distort the truth, leading to misunderstandings about family dynamics. This can sometimes result in the non-narcissistic parent being incorrectly identified as the abuser.
Narcissists may use personal information strategically, recalling hopes, dreams, or fears shared with them and disclosing private details without consent. For instance, a partner’s confidential discussion about their sexual history could be disclosed to others without consent or potentially used to blackmail them or in divorce proceedings. The narcissist will use this information to address their feelings, showing no empathy towards the partner. While lacking empathy within the family, they present a different persona to the outside world. In a divorce, personal data from intimate moments can be used as leverage to secure a favourable outcome.

The Legacy of Narcissistic Families

Children of parents with narcissistic traits may encounter personal challenges, which might include developing similar traits or personality disorders. They may also experience difficulties with trust, anger, attachment, codependency, and self-esteem. These early experiences can contribute to poor mental health or the development of addictions. Individuals may also experience confusion about the nature of a loving relationship, due to early exposure to an emotionally impoverished environment. Getting help and finding the right support is a great way to begin recovery and healing.

Where to start

Acknowledge that your family of origin may not have acted in your best interests. This requires a period of adjustment and grieving and making the decision to cease these unacceptable relational patterns. It can end with you.
Engage in self-care activities such as therapy, meditation, spending time with supportive friends, and making healthy lifestyle choices.
Reflect on and reassess your relationship with your parents and family. While contact is not necessary, if you decide to maintain it, set clear boundaries and avoid manipulation. Understanding the situation can help with managing interactions.
Avoid rationalising or excusing the poor treatment from narcissistic parents. Compassion can be exploited by them to destabilise and confuse their children, so steer clear of situations where you may hear a sob story. Narcissists often present themselves as victims. They are reluctant to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they will provide a diluted version of events. One cunning ploy is to narrate a version of events with a grain of truth that explains and justifies their behaviour. The child may well feel less hostile towards the parent and be more forgiving. Narcissists are adept at exploiting blind spots.
Limit your partners’ or friends’ exposure to the narcissistic family’s charm, fake empathy, and information-gathering tactics. These people may be used as fresh supply and your decision to set boundaries and reduce contact will protect them as well as you.

Narcissistic families are not confined to any particular demographic or societal group; they can be found across various levels of privilege, poverty, education, religion, and culture. While narcissistic abuse within these family systems may be challenging to identify, the insights provided by individuals who have experienced such situations allow us to recognize specific behaviours that clearly indicate the dynamics present in these families. This offers those of us in supporting services a clearer understanding of the challenges we face, highlighting the importance of continually learning about this pathology whilst also attending to our own wellbeing.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.