American naturalist and writer Hal Borland said, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn,” a phrase that is often used
to give hope to people going through something difficult. I know from my experience of working with people who are going through a separation, that it can feel like it really is going on forever, and it can be hard to hold onto the hope of something changing – particularly when people are going through litigation or there is high conflict.
How can you support yourself through this difficult period?
This is often a process that can take a long time and have complex developments both in the practical and physical aspects of your life as well as emotionally and psychologically. These are some of the key aspects I encourage people to think about to support their own care as they go through the process of separating…
1. Prioritise What Matters Most
This is a time of life when you may need to prioritise what is important to you in order to preserve emotional energy and resources. This might mean saying no to things, or being careful about the things you do in order to choose things that feel nurturing or positive to your wellbeing, or to not choose things that you know are going to make you feel drained or worse.
2. Set Boundaries Around Communication
Depending on the quality of relationship with your ex, it may be that when you communicate with each other it makes you feel bad or upset or it drains you. It may be that you need to communicate about certain things for example arrangements about the children. It is also possible to set boundaries for yourself around if you feel there are ways you can support yourself. For example, not reading or exchanging emails late at night when this might affect your sleep, or trying to multi task childcare and difficult conversations. Some people even set up separate email accounts so that they can be intentional about the time they read messages from their ex. If it’s possible, try to agree with each other a time that you will check in with each other to catch up regularly rather than drip feed information. (This can work really well for parents to have a time each week where they know they are going to be able to talk about things that need talking about).
3. Pick Your Battles
This may be a more challenging one, but take a moment to reflect whether there is a part of you that gets drawn into difficult communications with your ex. Are you able to pick your battles, or step back from some issues that are not as important as others? This will save your energy and allow you a bit of distance rather than keep taking you back into unhealthy dynamics.
4. Allow Yourself Time to Reflect
It is ok to be sad and to cry. Self-care is not about having a smiley face on all the time. It’s about allowing yourself space to grieve what you have lost, and allowing yourself space to try to understand what has happened.
5. Build a Support System
All of this can be supported by making sure you have a good support system. That does not just mean friends and family. It might mean booking an appointment with the GP to talk about how you are not sleeping. It might mean considering therapy to have a space to be supported with all that you are feeling. It might mean making sure you get the support of all the positive aspects of nature by making sure you have a walk each day, or the good feelings you get from exercise. Take a step back and think about what aspects of life and which people help you to feel better and supported.
6. Recognise When You Need a Break
One of the lawyers at FLiP often reminds people that having a duvet day when you just do not feel like dealing with the legal stuff is totally understandable. All she asks is that it is communicated so that you can think together about how to do what is required. This kind of dynamic thinking about what needs doing on the legal side of things can often get lost or people can feel that they are not allowed to have these kinds of conversations with their lawyers. It is really important that there is an open channel of communication about how you are feeling about doing what you need to do.
7. Reconnect with Your Identity
It’s also important to remember aspects of your identity that are not connected to you getting divorced, since it can feel so overwhelming. Make sure you make time for yourself where you are not focussed on something divorce related. Some people find it a good time to take up a new activity or hobby where they can enjoy new aspects of themselves rather than feeling focussed on all that has happened with their relationship. This may be something to work towards in time as often people can feel too overwhelmed to take on something new. Look at my thoughts on reclaiming your identity after separation here.
8. Be Kind to Yourself During the Holidays
We know that with Christmas around the corner, there are added loads on people’s shoulders, perhaps for some combined with the pressure of feeling you need to make Christmas extra special for the children now that you are separated. Be kind to yourself and do the stuff that makes you feel good and that feels doable, rather than taking on too much and feeling burned out.
Most of all, be compassionate to yourself. We know that divorce is a stressful and emotional time. Listening to yourself and what you need is important and may keep you afloat during this time of navigation.
Read more articles from Jo Harrison
About Jo Harrison
Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.
If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk