Letters to Linda - Page 4

Dear Linda,

My Ex wants to be friends again. She left very suddenly two years ago and hasn’t seen our teenaged daughters until recently. She told me she misses me but doesn’t want to be married anymore. I have been torn up trying to do my job and look after our kids. I am so angry but our daughters have missed their mother. They want to see her. How can I ever put what has happened behind me?

Your daughters are very fortunate. Keeping family life together after a trauma like that requires enormous strength. You did what was important for your children.

There can be any number of reasons why a spouse suddenly leaves. You don’t mention why she left. Her leaving so abruptly seriously erodes any trust your family might have had and that is something that needs to be discussed with your daughters.

Your daughters are old enough to make their own decisions in this situation. They are willing to see her but there is always the possibility she may disappear abruptly again. As long as they are mindful of that possibility then be supportive. She is their mother. Without being intrusive, check in with them to make sure that they are comfortable with their visits.

What you decide about a friendship is within your control. You have options. What will make you most comfortable? You can be cordial for the sake of your daughters. Does she want you as a confidant at the level of relationship you had when married? It is your decision how much you are willing to invest in the relationship.

As well, friendship is a two way street. Can you see your former wife as a trusted friend? You need to determine how you feel about being friends and what that would entail. Was their balance in your relationship prior to the breakup?

Whatever you decide should be clearly explained. Define the level of friendship you are willing to commit. Remember that often we don’t ‘hear’ everything that is said to us in the first go round. It may take awhile for both of you to grasp how this new level of knowing each other will work.

The other option is that you do not have to be friends with her. You can be cordial for the sake of your daughters. Somewhere down the road you might feel it is possible to have a stronger friendship. Leave that option open.

Anything is possible in today’s world but the most important aspect of all of this is whether it works for you.  You make the choice about what feels right for you.

For now, support your daughters, and allow then to rebuild their relationship with their mother. Look after yourself.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda

I am engaged to a woman who has not yet divorced her former husband. We have been together several years and have a two year old son. Her children from the former marriage live with us as their father has been dealing with drug and alcohol addictions. He is creating a number of problems in the divorce proceedings. The children are angry at him and the world. I am angry and frustrated and my fiancé feels guilty and responsible for all the stress. How can I manoeuvre the next few months and get through to our wedding?

That’s a lot of reasons to feel angry and frustrated. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. You are expected to be a support to your fiancé, parent your step children and parent your own child. These are very personal and emotional expectations.

Are the divorce demands going to escalate? Would mediation help? You can ask your fiancé’s lawyer about how to mitigate the problems that have arisen. Guilt is a part of the divorce process no matter what the circumstances. Resolving the divorce problems will help resolve some of that guilt.

Next you need to ask yourself if the wedding should go ahead in a few months or could you wait until there is less stress in your family. If there are reasons that you want to be married straight away after the divorce then perhaps have a short ceremony and plan a celebration with family and friends when life is more settled. Your special day should be filled with happiness.

Are your step children feeling positive about the marriage? They live with you but they are ‘angry and frustrated’. Is that solely because of their father’s problems or are there other things bothering them?

A child deals with problems from a child’s perspective. They do not have adult coping skills. At any age, anger is often an outward expression over the loss of personal control. Your step children have watched as their own family unraveled and now there is most likely a fear of what the future might bring with this new family makeup. They are probably worried about their own father as well as their place in the family.

Understanding that there are reasons for the anger, frustration, and guilt will help you cope and be a support to your family.

A children’s counselor can be very helpful. A counselor is an objective third party and a good one will help your step children develop strategies to deal with their anger. As much as we parents try to help and counsel our children, sometimes what they really need is an impartial perspective.

The following link provides information about children’s mental health issues and counseling options.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/childrelatedissues.html

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA CAN BE FOUND HERE

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda

“My ex has been seriously bad mouthing me in front of the children and it’s starting to affect my relationship with them.  They are now starting to say they don’t want to come over to mine and when they are here, they are rude and refuse to do as I ask.  I have tried to talk to my ex about this via text, email and verbally but nothing seems to work and if anything, it just makes it even worse. How can I get her to stop?”

A fire only burns if it has tinder and kindling to start it.

Anger is the fire that needs to be tamed in this situation. Retaliation makes this whole painful situation worse. Your children are hurting because their world has been upended.

Oversharing with children during separation and divorce is a mistake made by many.

Too often children unintentionally become the conduit to carry anger back and forth between two parents separating. When your children talk about what your former spouse is saying, firmly but kindly tell them you do not want to know what is being said because quite often messages get mixed by retelling.

What your children really need right now is consistency, security and calm. Be their parent at every opportunity and deal with their loss as opposed to the issues between you and your former spouse.

If they refuse an invitation to visit then offer alternatives, something shorter like lunch out together or another activity you know they would enjoy.

Win their trust back. If they are rude to you, tell them that is disrespectful in a matter of fact manner and carry on the conversation. Finding that place of calm will help move the family forward.

As for your former spouse, texting is by far the worst form of communication because those cryptic words can so readily be misinterpreted. Instead plan a chat with your former spouse when you feel you can be even-tempered. Set some clear goals for the discussion.

Let the focus of the conversation be your shared commitment to do what is best for your children.

Children feel powerless and fearful during divorce proceedings. Angry parents can lose sight of that. The damage done to children during this time of marriage breakdown can be far reaching.

Moving beyond the pain and anger, as difficult as that may be, is the very best way forward for your children.

There is no quick fix. It will take time to reach the new normal of family life. I would recommend reading A Father’s Thoughts For His Son On Divorce and Co-Parenting. This father poignantly describes setting aside the pain of marital breakdown for the benefit of their child.

Contact Linda

If you have a problem contact Linda by emailing her at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

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