Founder
The Grace Project
Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different. Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another. That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support. Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences. Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing. This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.
Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity
Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again. If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded. Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again. To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits. By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds. Confidence comes with doing. If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can. If she wants to dance, then dance. With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.
The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”
When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways. It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks. For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention. If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself. In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors. Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.
Understanding grief after a break up
Grief often gets a bad rap. After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations. Lean in, I suggest. You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending. As for self-actualisation? This may come but, please, no more pressure. Be the best version of yourself one day at a time. And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff. If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.
Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.
Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce
Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.
Healing timelines
Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.” At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.
As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far. Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…
Rebuilding your life privately and publicly
It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.
As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.
Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter
Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.
This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you. Be effective in your own healing and recovery. No-one else can do this for you.
Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.
About Margaret Ward-Martin
BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.