Martha Bodyfelt

Many divorced women struggle to move on because they are still plagued by feelings of guilt, selfishness, and that they “don’t deserve it.”

If learning ancient Greek sounds easier to you than putting yourself first, you’re not alone.

For years, divorced women absorbed messaging that made us believe that we shouldn’t put ourselves first.

Whether it’s the messaging you received throughout your marriage–that your role as a wife and mother was all that mattered, or narratives you’ve been carrying from childhood, such as good girls don’t ask for more and that they should just be happy for what they have–that programming doesn’t go away.

It won’t magically disappear just because you’re divorced.

Or when you get the promotion at work.

And it certainly won’t go away if you don’t do anything about it.

So if you want to learn the 3 mind-blowing mindset shifts that will let you put yourself first (without feeling guilty), then continue reading!

The guilt you feel when you put yourself first is from a narrative that wants to keep you miserable and unsure of yourself. 

Whenever you try to buy something for yourself after divorce, like a new pair of shoes or a new car, do you have that nagging voice in your head that says, “It’s too expensive! You don’t deserve something this nice! Go to the clearance rack!” 

Or maybe it might say, “You should be donating that money instead. Or giving it to your grown daughter–she is buying a house after all,”or “You should be giving that to your grandchild. He needs it more than you do.” 

You’re not crazy if you struggle with those voices. In fact, many divorced women do.

They come from narratives of old white guys that were desperate to do whatever they could to keep women questioning themselves and their worth. 

Because the more those toxic patriarchal structures could exert their influence over women, the easier it was to control them. 

Especially after divorce and at midlife.

Need a concrete example?

How about the flood of marketing women get for anti-age creams, commanding us to look “more youthful,” as if growing wiser and more experienced as time passes was some kind of shameful thing?  It’s not.

Your confidence is a threat to the people who benefit from your insecurity, so the longer you feel bad about yourself, the longer the narratives that hold you done can continue to wreak havoc on us.

But we’re not going to let them do that anymore. 

So when you feel guilty or that nagging voice in your head says shit like, “you should just be happy with what you have,” you have permission to tell that voice to shut the hell up.

You are not guilty or selfish for putting yourself first. It’s the only thing that will get you unstuck after your divorce.

Mind-Blowing Mindset Shift 1: I am a strong warrior goddess. The *only way* to heal and move forward is to take care of myself. And the only way to take care of myself is to put myself above everything else. 

Putting Yourself First After Divorce = Taking Your Power Back. 

The feelings of guilt and selfishness from divorce are mechanisms that are attempting to take your power away from you.

Remember: Your confidence is a threat to the people who benefit from your insecurity.

These negative feelings–the ones that tell you that you shouldn’t “spend money on yourself when there are charities to give it to or children who could use it” are the agents of abusive power that are trying to keep you silent, scared, and stuck.

But when you put yourself first—when you decide to go on the weekend solo trip instead of spending another stressful holiday with your family, or when you turn off your cell phone so you can have some time to yourself, or when you say “no” to a project that you know will drain you—you are the person in charge.

When you stand up for yourself and prioritize what you want, instead of trying so hard to please everybody else–your confidence starts to solidify.

You quit doubting yourself.

You become more resistant to the triggering questions and judgement that others have been able to control you with for years.

Those skills build back your right to self-determination, independence, and agency over your own mind and body that years of people-pleasing, shame, toxic cultural messaging, unhealthy family dynamics, and patriarchy started stealing from you when you were young.

It is those skills that will give you the motivation to get out of your current rut—the one you’re frustrated with since the divorce ended. The one that has you wondering, “now what?!”

The “now what?!” is to prioritize your happiness and what you need.

“What now?!” is for you to start internalizing “what is good for me?”–something you may have never done in your life.

But now is the time to start.

Mind-Blowing Mindset Shift #2:  Putting myself first is a source of pride, not guilt. When I take my power back, I set the example for the girls and women after me that they too are worthy. Just like I am worthy. 

You deserve to be empowered and to let your voice be heard.

Nobody is here to save you. 

The forces that have made you question yourself and make you feel bad about yourself over the decades—whether it was the sense of shame from your family, or the religion you were raised in, or if your ex-husband was an asshole, or if it was the toxic patriarchy that many of us still navigate on a daily basis—are not going to reward you for all the sacrifices you made.

None of those factors that contributed to you feeling guilty and bad about yourself are going to see the light and apologize for the hurt and gaslighting they did to you.

And if it was up to those factors that made you feel guilty, they’d love to maintain the status quo which has you questioning your worth as a divorced woman at mid-life.

It’s time for you to quit relying on others to give you the green light to start investing in yourself.

Because guess what, my sweet, beautiful soul?

No one is going to give you a reward for your hard work.

No one is going to reward you for being the martyr.

Mind-Blowing Mindset Shift 3: I do not rely on external factors to reward me. I focus on myself. The time to invest in myself is now. 

So quit waiting around. The time to focus on yourself is now.

So how about you? Do you struggle with putting yourself first? What actions will you start taking to prioritize yourself after divorce? 

And if you’re still struggling, give me a shout by booking your free transformation call today, where’ we’ll get crystal clear on the hidden struggles holding you back so you can move on with your life.

Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach who helps professional divorced women quickly overcome their divorce pain and break free from the patterns keeping them stuck so they can feel fulfilled, have more fun, and live fearlessly.

To find out what’s *really* keeping you stuck after divorce, head over to https://marthabodyfelt.com/ to take the 30-second quiz.

Website: https://marthabodyfelt.com/

As a divorce recovery coach for professional women, there is a common theme I see in all of my clients. I bet you fall into this category, too!

• You’re hard-working and dedicated to the profession you chose
• You care deeply about your work and your coworkers
• You’ve sacrificed a lot to get to where you are—sometimes you look back wondering how on earth you managed to climb the professional latter and run the household
• During your divorce, work may have been like a refuge for you—someplace you could put your attention on so you could be distracted from the emotional shit-show you were dealing with at home

But now that you’re divorced, you may struggle with finding that balance between work and your personal life.

You may feel on top of your game at work (which you most likely are), but the moment you log off or come home, you struggle with feeling lonely, bored, and frustrated that you can’t be the same confident woman at home post-divorce that you can whenever you walk into the office.

Here’s the good news though.

With just a few mindset shifts, you can easily feel confident outside of work. Here’s how.

Step 1: Reflect on how far you’ve come at work.

Seriously. I want you to step away from the computer and think about where you were at work 20-30 years ago, and where you are right now.

Whether you were a teacher trainee, a bright-eyed new real estate agent, the rare female intern at the male-dominated company, the brand-new nurse on night shift, or anything in between,  take a moment to reflect on the following:

• How much experience and insight have you gained since you started your career?
• How many lives have you changed and influenced for the better at your workplace?
• What barriers did you knock down—whether they were cultural or psychological–to get to where you are?
• How has your hard work and brilliant mind set you up for the financial security you’re feeling now?
• When you reflect on this path, you should be able to list quite a few things that you’ve accomplished.

Whether it’s the fact that you’ve closed over $5 million in home sales in the past two years, or helped your students get into the college of their dreams, or you managed to keep your VP out of hot water (again)—every day at work you are using your skills, work ethic, and all-around bad-ass character to make life better for people.

Now that you have those years and that experience under your belt, actively reflect on (and give yourself credit for) the fact that…

• You are a role model for the young people who look up to you

• Someone younger in their career at work is watching you (in a non-creepy way), and wants to ask you all the questions about how successful you are

Your strength and determination and courage at work did not come easy. But the fact that you’ve earned it is what gives you the confidence in the workplace that you may be lacking at home.

If you’re still tapping your foot thinking, “yeah yeah yeah Martha….the workplace isn’t the problem. It’s when I’m *not* at work when I feel like I’m in my own head and frustrated!”  then I want you to pay very close attention to the next step.

Step 2: Repeat the Exact Steps Above, but Apply it to Your Personal Life. 

Your work self and your home self are the same damn person.

It’s time to start acting like it.

Navigating the highs and lows of your career is what gives you professional confidence.  You already have those skills to get confident in your personal life.

But it takes a simple mindset shift.

Reflect on the following things when it comes to your personal life.

• What are some difficult things you have managed in your personal life that you never would have imagined 20-30 years ago?
• Those events could be a life-changing illness, raising children, a loss in your family. And yes, your divorce.
• What did you learn about yourself from those events that made you stronger?
• How did those lessons make you more resilient?
• What did you face and overcome during that life event?

And here’s the most important step of the process.

How will you embrace those personal challenges you’ve overcome? 

Because once you embrace them and give yourself credit for the grace and determination you have shown in your personal life, the faith in yourself comes. It may be a pebble here, a pebble there. But the more you acknowledge your strength, the more assured you’ll feel when it comes to making decisions in your personal life.

The more assured you feel, the less self-doubt you’ll have.

The less self-doubt you have, the more confidence you gain.

And those bits of confidence you collect and care for—like a beautiful garden you tend with sunlight and water—will build overtime to the feeling of…

• Self-Love.
• Self-Worth
• And the knowledge that you can do damn near whatever you want and nobody is going to stop you.

But it comes from acknowledging how far you’ve come.

How courageous and persistent you’ve been at work and at home.

And giving yourself the grace and credit you deserve.

Because nobody else is going to do it for you.

So the next time you feel frustrated and confused, wondering why you have no problem telling a client “no” but you can’t seem to say the same thing to your adult daughter or needling mother or your own self-doubt, remember this:

Confident work you is the same damn person as the self-doubting home you. 

Quit pretending they are different. 

You have the permission (and responsibility) to bring that confidence to your home life, because that’s where you need it the most.

Let those two sides meet.

It will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And future.

Click here for more articles by Martha

About Martha Bodyfelt

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach who helps professional divorced women overcome their divorce loneliness and break free from the patterns keeping them stuck so they can feel fulfilled, have more fun, and live fearlessly.

To find out what’s *really* keeping you stuck after divorce, head over to marthabodyfelt.com to take the 30-second quiz.

Website: marthabodyfelt.com

If you’re divorced and still feel guilty or ashamed about asking for what you want, you may be struggling with common myths that are making you feel like you’re not worthy.

Today, you’ll learn the top divorce myths that keep you from getting what you want. And learn the powerful steps for busting those myths.

Divorce Myth #1: Asking for what you want is selfish.

I don’t know about you, but a lot of the messages I received growing up  was that women should strive to be saintly and selfless mothers and wives. Divorce wasn’t even an option. I think growing up Catholic also meant that that infamous Cathlic Guilt permeated everything I did.

We were taught from an early age that if you wanted something for yourself, you were selfish.

That toxicity definitely carried through when I was married as well. Whether it was my own sense of guilt, or I was just feeding off all the societal narratives that told me I need to have the house clean and dinner on the table and always be ready and willing to have sex with my then-husband, I remember feeling like if I ever said, “why don’t you make dinner?” or something like that, I’d come off as high-maintenance–a harpy, a nag, in other words–a selfish bitch.

Did you ever feel like that in your marriage?

Do you still feel like that, even if you’re divorced?

You may struggle after divorce with feeling selfish if you don’t want to watch your grandkids this weekend.

Or you may feel guilty about requesting paid time off at work.

But here’s what you must know.

The Truth: Asking for what you want is not selfish. It’s healthy and absolutely critical to your divorce recovery and future well-being.

Even if society and your family *never* considered what you want.

Even if you were led to believe in your marriage that what you wanted didn’t matter.

Even if you’ve been conditioned to think that you should put everybody’s needs ahead of your own.

Asking for what you want is not selfish. It is not indulgent. It’s just plain empowering and necessary if you want to get out of the divorce rut that’s going to keep you from moving on.

Divorce Myth #2: Asking for what you want is narcissistic.

Advocating for yourself after divorce is not narcissistic.

You may have had someone convince you that it was wrong to ask for what you want. That person may have been your ex. Or a parent. Or someone else you loved.

But just because they made you believe it was wrong to ask for what doesn’t mean that it was.

The Truth: Unapologetically asking for what you want after divorce is an act of courage, not narcissism. It’s giving yourself permission to value yourself in a world that may not value you. 

Divorce Myth #3: It’s just too hard.

Asking for what you want—and not apologizing for it or justifying it to anyone–definitely takes work. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And now that you’re divorced, the world is yours to take back.

Think of a time you did something that you were scared of or anxious about. Whether it was taking a full course load back in college (can I even remember my college days?!), someone getting to work on time after dropping your kids off at daycare when they were babies and you were a younger mother, or hell–navigating your divorce and dealing with the emotions and finances of that shit show—no matter how hard it was, you prevailed.

Because you believed in yourself and knew you could do better.

The Truth: Asking for what you want and advocating for yourself after divorce  is the same thing. It’s going to take work. It’s going to take practice. And you’re going to have to do it again and again. But that doesn’t make it “too hard.” That makes it something you owe to yourself to do. Especially after divorce.

Divorce Myth #4: You don’t deserve it.

If you’re anything like me, you probably carry this weight that you should be grateful for the things you have. You may have heard it from your family. At church. Or even at work. Those toxic myths sound like:

“You should just be grateful for what you have.” 

“That’s asking a bit much, isn’t it?” 

“Why can’t you be happy with what you have?”

And we have a tendency to believe that, which is the reason we feel bad asking for help. Or asking for more in our lives.

This myth is what keeps us from investing in ourselves. Or treating ourselves. Or taking care of ourselves at the expense of our mental health.

The Truth: You 100% deserve to ask for what you want. It is your right. And it’s your responsibility. 

Messages about your unworthiness came most likely from toxic patriarchal values that were designed to keep divorced women like you feeling ashamed and unworthy.

It doesn’t matter if your parents–especially if you can from a big family with limited resources–told you to “just be happy with what you have.”  They were wrong.

It doesn’t matter if society’s message of “just be grateful” even if you know you aren’t happy and know you deserve more is swirling around in your head.

This is *your time* and you deserve to confidently ask for what you want.

Even if you’re divorced.

And especially if you’re  feeling guilty after divorce or shame after divorce.

It is time to ask for what you want. Because that’s what you deserve.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach who helps professional divorced women overcome their divorce loneliness and break free from the patterns keeping them stuck so they can feel fulfilled, have more fun, and live fearlessly.

To find out what’s *really* keeping you stuck after divorce, head over to https://marthabodyfelt.com/ to take the 30-second quiz.

Ever been in a situation like this before?

You don’t pick up the phone in time and when you call the person back, the first words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry.”

You bring store-bought cupcakes to your friend’s party and you utter “I’m sorry.”

You vent to a good friend about something going on, and you say, “Sorry for rambling.”

Notice the pattern going on? 

You’re apologizing. Way too much. And it’s those apologies that are impeding your divorce recovery.

Uncomfortable Truth #1: We’re raised to be people-pleasers.

We are are natural caregivers. From an early age, you were most likely following your mother around, hoping to help her out, or taking care of your younger siblings. Or, you may have had a parents say to you at one time, “I need you to watch your brother/sister and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

And what did you do? Well, in order to make your mom “proud” of you, you most likely did everything you could to please her. And that mentality probably stuck.

You probably worked hard to get good grades to get your parents’ and your teachers’ approval. Because you didn’t want to disappoint them.

That mentality carried over into adulthood. You did everything to be good partner and good mother because you didn’t want to disappoint anybody. Society put unrealistic expectations on you to be a Stepford Wife.

You were given a choice to either give up your career to be a stay-at-home mom, never getting paid or recognized for all the work you were doing, or to have a career, where you were still expected to do most of the household and child-rearing work.

And the only way to avoid disappointing others, and to shield yourself from conflict, was to say “I’m sorry.”

Even when it wasn’t your fault. Or didn’t warrant an apology.

Uncomfortable Truth #2: We were never taught to put ourselves first

Can you think of anytime when you were growing up that your mom, or dad, or teacher, or some other adult close to you sat you down, and said, “Your dreams and goals matter just as much as anybody else’s. Let your voice be heard. Instead, you were probably raised to be obedient and to not make a scene. Which is why, when we get divorced, we feel this crazy unnecessary guilt.

Oh, what a shame! You two have been married for so long!

Can’t you find a way to work it out? Your retirement will be so much harder now! 

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” as a response? To keep the peace?

Well, what about your feelings? And your happiness?

If you’re not sure where to even begin with being happy and not paralyzed by guilt, there’s one thing you must do.

Put yourself first for a change.

Here’s what you need to know.

There are dangers to saying “I’m Sorry.”

Danger 1: Frivolous apologizing = a signal that people can take advantage of you.

The reflexive apology you say sends the signal to that other person that you’re:

• Willing to accept the blame for something you didn’t do
• Sending them an invitation to wrong your or disrespect you again, because they don’t have to be held accountable to their actions.

Danger 2: Constantly apologizing makes it harder to stand up for yourself.

Even when you’re in a benign situation where you think you’re expressing regret, and you’re not saying “sorry” to keep the peace, there’s still an underlying danger.

Danger 3: Apologizing puts somebody else’s pain on you.

A simple “I’m sorry” may make you feel like you’re making a situation better, but what you’re actually doing is taking that person’s pain and shouldering it for them. That’s not helpful for anyone in that situation, and there are other ways to express support than just apologizing.

Alternatives to “I’m sorry.”

These alternative phrases do double duty in the best way possible. First, they convey the empathy for another person without shouldering their pain. And second, they reinforce your boundaries without giving them up in the name of diffusing conflict or placating someone.

If your ex, your current partner, or a friend says they’re angry at something.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Are you upset at something? Let’s discuss it.

When someone is having a hard time.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: This sucks that you’re going through this hard time. Please know that I’m here if you need anything.

You’re 15 minutes late to a meeting.

Instead of: Sorry I’m so late.

Say Instead: Thanks for your patience.

If there is a miscommunication between you and someone.

Instead of: I’m sorry for bothering you.

Say: There seems to be a communication issue here. What can we do to get this back on track?

If you bump into someone or are trying to get through a crowd.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Excuse me. I need to get through.

See how that works? You’re acknowledging empathy, but not at the expense of your well-being. Plus, you’re asserting your own needs and internalizing that you matter.

It can be challenging to shake off years of social conditioning. But at the end of the day, remember that you are not responsible for pleasing everybody, especially when it comes at the expense of them disrespecting you and taking advantage of you.

As you recover from divorce, remember that you matter, and that you can express sympathy in ways that are authentic that continue to build you up, not tear you down.

So, how about you?

Do you apologize too much, especially when you don’t need to?                                                         

What can you say instead of “I’m sorry” next time? 

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce and recovery coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” shows divorced women how to get their confidence back and move on with their lives.  For your Free Goddess Recovery Guide, stop by Surviving Your Split today! Website: http://survivingyoursplit.com/

Getting your life back after divorce can be hard.

There are financial issues, co-parenting, and emotional roller-coasters to ride that can leave us feeling exhausted, wondering if we’ll ever move on and feel happy.

Among these stressors, one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome when recovering from divorce is one that can grab hold of even the most patient of people.

Resentment and bitterness.

Resentment is nasty. What makes it so ugly is that it has a tendency to turn you, an otherwise kind and reasonable person, into someone who is so angry at their own life situation that it is impossible to recover.

Bitterness and resentment make it hard even for the people who love you to be around you. Resentment makes it hard for you to focus on all the good stuff you have going on in your life. And bitterness keeps you from moving on.

Definitely not what you want or deserve.

Remaining resentful means that you are a prisoner to your past, when you should be focusing on your future instead.

This feeling is a combination of anger, disappointment, and resentment at being treated unfairly. Did you notice that? The verb treated is in the past tense, and it deals with things that happened that you cannot change and cannot control.

The more you continue to look in the past, the harder and harder it becomes to plan for the things you can control. Such as your future. And your happiness. And the rest of your life, which I’m pretty sure you don’t want to live with the weight of feeling screwed over still resting on your shoulders.

So, knock it off.  You need to spend that emotional energy on planning your future. Every time you feel yourself getting resentful for something that happened in your marriage, nip that thought in the bud. And instead start channeling those feelings and that energy into planning your future and your new life.

Being bitter means that you are letting your ex continue to hurt you, and you deserve better than that craziness.

Feeling resentful because of being treated unfairly during your marriage sucks. It’s completely not fair and not right that your ex did not treat you with the love and respect that you deserved.

But remember, that the longer you allow yourself to feel angry because of the harm this person did to you during your marriage, the longer and easier it is for them to have control over you.

Keep in mind that your marriage with this person has ended, and you do not owe them ANY of your emotional energy.

There is most likely a reason that you are no longer with that person, and being divorced has given you the chance to start over and do things on your own terms. So why let your ex have any more control over you?

This is your chance to define who you are, what it is that you want, and where it is that you want to be. And that sure has nothing to do with your ex being able to dictate how you feel, which is exactly what happens when you’re resentful.

You can let it go. You deserve to let it go.

Exercise: How to let the resentment go.

Write down—and be specific—about the things that are exactly making you bitter. But don’t spend much time reflecting on that type of stuff for a number of reasons.

One, because the factors leading up to you feeling that way are in your past, which you can’t change. Two, because the only way you can overcome those feelings is to reframe how you think of it and focus on the future instead.  Need some examples? Take a look below!

I feel bitter because I got screwed over with money in the settlement.

I feel bitter because I see my ex moved on with their new relationship and I’m still here with nothing.

Reframe it. The problem with resentment is that it forces us to look at something in the negative light, when it is a blessing in disguise.

I’m bitter because my ex has moved on and I’m still here. Okay, so I’m not with my ex anymore, but that means that I don’t have to put up with all their craziness. Oh, so he/she has a new partner? Well, let them deal with my ex—I am better off without them and now I am free and my life is now my own. They actually did me a favor. I am better off without my partner, and if anything, I can actually feel happy and relieved that such toxicity is no longer in my life, dragging me down. 

You do not have to fight the battle alone.

It’s normal to have some residual hard feelings after a split. However, if you find yourself not being able to shake it, remember that you have options for reaching out for a little assistance. Depending on your needs, you may find that working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you pinpoint what is holding you back and can help you move on.

You should not have to be a prisoner to feeling bitter, and there is no reason that it needs to control your life. The amazing future that comes  after letting go is waiting for you.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a certified Divorce Coach whose website, “Surviving Your Split,” helps readers break out of their divorce rut, regain their confidence, and move on with their lives.

For your free gift, “The Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide,” stop by survivingyoursplit.com today or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com

Hey, so does this ever happen to you?

It may have been months since your divorce ended, and you thought you were doing okay.

You were picking yourself up financially, making your home your own, and trying some new activities and were feeling pretty good about yourself.

But then it hits you and won’t leave.  That anger–that pure rage once you look back and realize just how awful your ex treated you.

The time you found the messages from another woman on his cell phone.

Or when you’d come home after a week-long work trip, only to find the house a complete mess and him sitting on the couch watching football.

Or when you’d go to the gym together, after a few comments he’d made about “you don’t look like you did when we met,” only to have him completely ignore you and pretend he doesn’t know you there.

The list could go on and on. Each memory making you see a deeper shade of red, wondering why you didn’t see the signs–why you didn’t leave.

And it’s that feeling of unfairness and injustice that can make you feel blind and keep you from moving on.

That’s called anger, my friends. And it’s appearing now because you’re getting stronger.

These feelings of rage are coming because you’re healing. You’re moving on from the divorce and you’re getting stronger. But during that process, the present, more confident you has a new set of eyes that’s looking back on the past you.

The stronger, more confident you is bearing witness to all the disrespect and mistreatment the past you endured and she wants justice, dammit.

“But Martha, why now? I feel like this is completely derailing my recovery!”

Think of your recovery in a couple of steps. The first step was when you were getting mistreated by your spouse, but you may have blamed yourself or you may have normalized it, thinking it was somehow just how your marriage was.

The next step is where you are now: you realized that the marriage as no longer healthy for you, and you are either in the process of divorce, or you are finished with the divorce and are working hard to move on.

So, the anger gap is actually the delta between those two parts. It is you now realizing that:

1. Getting treated like shit was NOT okay
2. You deserved better than getting treated like shit
3. You are now frustrated as hell because you can’t go back in time to change the fact that you were treated like shit.

And it’s this frustration that you’re feeling now? That feeling is the Anger. The anger is directed in a couple places:

• It’s at your spouse, because he treated you poorly
• It’s at your spouse, because they will most likely not apologize and truly regret how they treated you
• It’s at yourself, because you’re now kicking yourself that you let it go on for so long.

What a mess. It’s no wonder why you’re feeling stuck and not sure what to do.

But do you see the the commonality with all these things?

They are all things you cannot control.

You can’t go back in time and get your ex to treat you better. He was a jerk who didn’t deserve you anyway. It’s as simple as that. No excuses.

You can’t “make” your ex apologize. You cannot “make” him suffer or feel bad for all the things he did. He’s most likely emotionally unavailable and him feeling bad and truly expressing his regret or sorrow ain’t gonna happen, sweetheart.

Trying to go back and dissect “what should I have done differently?” or blaming yourself for not standing up to your ex, or not realizing his toxic behavior only keeps you from moving on now.

So now what?

Redirect your anger to something productive and healing for you.

No, I don’t mean you have to pick a bunch of flowers in the meadow and make a vision board if you don’t want to.

Hell, I’m not even saying forgive the motherf*cker right now.

But what I am saying, friends, is to channel that anger you feel into something that can help you move on with your life. I call this the PPF Model—short for Past Present Future.

Past: What lessons can I learn from this anger? 

Present: What can I do NOW to turn this anger into something good? 

Future: What will I do in the future to protect myself from this toxic BS?

It’s not easy to just “let go” of all the memories that are pissing you off right now. But you can’t let them keep you stuck in rut and unable to move on with your life.

Right now, you have a choice. You can choose to stay stuck in a rut, paralyzed by a past you can’t change. Or you can learn from the past and let that anger remind you that you deserve better. And you’re the work it’s going to take to move on.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

It was hard to concentrate, or even function.

Hard to fall asleep at night, hard to pay attention at work, and no matter what I did to try and distract myself, the sheer panic and chaos followed me around all the time.

Omigod. I have no idea what do to. Will I ever get through this?

I have no idea where I’m going to be in a month, much less a year. How the hell can I plan for anything?

Everything is crumbling around me and I’m terrified.

I remember trying to focus at work, unable to do so, because all I could think about was divorce. How on earth would I figure out the legal things, how could I budget when I no longer had my husband’s income, what if I was never the same again?

It’s commonly said that divorce is one of the most stressful life events that a person experiences.

You can no doubt attest to this—divorce and separation suck, and one of the main issues it’s such a shit show is because of infinite forms of stress it pushes onto you. Divorce is like a high-speed freight train that has gotten off its rails and crashed into your living room.

Here’s what you need to know about divorce fear and stress.

During your split, you have probably felt petrified—sometimes unable to move, to think, to function. You don’t know what’s going to happen to you, the kids, and your way of life. It’s completely normal to feel like this. How could you not?

Your peace of mind’s gone through the window, and that overarching fear of not knowing the causes you to lose sleep at night, unable to concentrate at work, and desperately thinking we’ll never make it through or be happy again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. I remember waking up one day after another restless night, and something just clicked. A frustrated voice inside me said,

“What are you so afraid of, and why have you not taken steps to counter it?”

And that is where this fear-blasting exercise was born.  When you feel like you’re going off the deep-end with fear of not knowing, do the following:

1. Write down all of the things you’re feeling afraid of—the sources of your fear-based stress. Do this wherever you want—in a journal, on your laptop, on your smart phone or iPad—it doesn’t matter, just someplace that you have easy access to.

2. Be completely honest with yourself! No fear or concern is ever irrational, stupid, or unreasonable. Some of my own fears included…

– I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.

– I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

– I will have to put the lawyer fees on my credit card

– My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

– My family will judge me

– My friends will shun me

– I will be alone and don’t know what to do

– I am afraid to start over.

– I am afraid of never being happy again.

Your fears may be similar, or you may have additional fears, such as:

– I won’t get to see my children

– The kids are going to have a hard time adjusting

– He/She will bleed me dry and I’ll lose everything

3. Now comes the part that takes some work, but it’s the best part. Under each fear, write down a solution. This step shows you the truth—that you have the power to beat those fears and calm down that stress you feel. I’ve provided a few examples so you get the gist of it before you write your own solutions.

I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.

If I want to stay here, I am going to speak with my attorney to see what my options are to remain. I will look at the budget to see if this is possible, but if it is not, I know I have plenty of options for other housing. I also know that I am the one who has the memories in my heart, and that I, along with my children, are still a home and can create our own memories, wherever we are.

I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

I do not want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce. If my spouse and I are on speaking terms, I will examine options for using divorce mediation, which could help prevent long expensive court battles.

I will also research my options and ask around to find a good divorce attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator one. I may also speak with a financial advisor to help with the financial side, and I could talk to a divorce coach, who could possibly help with money-saving ideas.

My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

If I am working with an attorney, I will possible payment plans. I may also seek pro-bono help or find divorce legal clinics that can help minimize costs. I will focus on the big picture. If I don’t want to wipe out my savings fighting in court, I will learn how to choose my battles so I can move on with my life.

My family will judge me.

I will be honest and ask for their support, but I do not have to surround myself with people who will make me feel worse about the situation. If I am afraid of this, I will work with a therapist, who can help me create boundaries with my family and help me grieve in a healthy way.

I will be alone and won’t know what to do.

I may feel alone because I’m no longer with my spouse, but I will find a great support system—there are support groups, online groups, friends who care about me. I will not be afraid to ask for help. I will be kind to myself, patient with myself, and realize I don’t have to do everything at once.

As you can see, once you start doing this exercise for yourself, you will notice that neutralizing your fears goes beyond just giving yourself a pep-talk.

This exercise can help you start taking action.  And when you take action against those fears, they no longer become the things that will keep you up at night—instead, they become the logical courses of action—merely things on a to-do list—that you will accomplish because despite your panic and fear right now, you are a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.

Facing and beating your divorce fears and learning how to counter them may not be fun or easy, but in the end learning those strategies will help diminish your stress so you can think clearly, move on with your life, and get back to being happy.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” shows readers how to get their confidence back and move on with their lives.  For your Free Divorce Goddess Survival Kit, stop by Surviving Your Split today!

Website: http://survivingyoursplit.com/

When you are recovering from divorce after a long-term marriage, loneliness is definitely an obstacle that keeps you from moving on.

We get stuck in this mindset because it makes us feel like we have nobody in the world. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Take a look at the mindful strategies that can help you kick your loneliness to the curb as you start this new chapter in your life.

Being alone does not mean being lonely.

When we are by ourselves after divorce, we make a false correlation in our minds. We think that being alone is bad.

We can’t stand the silence, we feel weird sleeping in a bed alone, and we are uneasy saying “I” instead of “we. ‘’

But why is being alone negative?

It’s not.

You are now given the opportunity to heal and start over on your terms—things that would be impossible to do if you were still in an unhealthy marriage.

What we seem to forget is that even when we are with someone, we can still be lonely.

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, being in a house with a partner in a marriage that is no longer healthy and still feeling alone is much more damaging than being by yourself in a house and having the space to heal.

See the difference?

Loneliness is just independence and liberation waiting for a spark of hope.

Many of us tend to view loneliness and a solitary confinement, but that not’s true.

Yes, you may feel like there is nobody to call or to be intimate with. And as you heal, you may feel self-conscious reaching out to friends and family members because you don’t want to appear like a burden. Feeling like you can’t reach out although you feel awful only doubles that awful feeling.

But, what if, instead, you turned that solitude into something new?

Being by yourself gives you the opportunity to start doing things that you never thought you could do before. Instead of staying at home, you now have an opportunity to channel that energy into attending that sculpture class, joining that book club, or planning that trip to the mountains.

There is nobody to stop you or judge you. Take advantage of it!

How to Kick your Divorce Loneliness to the Curb

If you feel lonely but are unsure how to overcome those feelings, follow these easy steps!

Ask yourself: When do I feel lonely? Are there certain events that trigger this emotion for me? 

Need some help? Take a look at my examples below!

I feel lonely whenever I see a little old couple holding hands walking in the park. I feel like that won’t be me.

Ask yourself: Who am I when I am the most happy? When am I at my best?

I feel really happy when I am around my dogs. There is a soft spot in my heart for rescue dogs and I have always wanted to volunteer there.

All my worries seem to disappear when I am working hard in yoga class. I love how it makes me feel and how it forces me to focus on breathing and listening to my body. At the end of the class, I always feel relieved and ready to take on the world.

Discovering what brings out the best in you and what makes you happy doesn’t have to cost money. It does, however, mean that you will have to be introspective and honest with yourself. 

It can be hard to dig deep, but I promise you that it is worth it because you feeling better and being happy is worth it.

Ask Yourself: What can I do right now to summon that amazing part of me? That part that will help me through those periods of loneliness?

The next time I see another Facebook picture of an engagement ring, I am going to look up volunteering opportunities at the local animal shelter instead. My time and energy are better served helping those in need, and who on earth can feel lonely while they are taking care of pups and kitties who need a good home?

The house feels so empty and I am starting to feel alone. But I remember there’s that new museum exhibit I’ve been wanting to see. Why don’t I check the hours and go tomorrow.

See how the exercise works?

Recognize that you deserve to be happy and understand that spending quality time by yourself and in a life that is rich with ideas and hobbies and things that excite and inspire you—and have absolutely nothing to do with having a partner—can heal you.

Being open to all the wonderful things this word can offer—and fully acknowledging that you are in this world to explore them—is the antidote to loneliness. When you begin the love story with yourself, you always have someone at your side.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach whose website Surviving Your Split helps readers regain their confidence after divorce so they can quit feeling invisible and move on with their lives

For your free gift, “The Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide,” stop by survivingyoursplit.com today or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com

Feature Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash

The reason we struggle with trust is because we feel like we’ve been betrayed.

It’s a crappy weight to have on your shoulders. Similar to its other invasive cousins anger, guilt, and resentment, losing trust keeps you from getting your life back.

But like all the other feelings, you have the power to break free from their hold and regain control of your life.

Let’s discover how!

Trust and the Source of Betrayal

Many times, lack of trust comes from a sense of betrayal—which is exactly what you feel the end of a long-term marriage.

Whether the betrayal was from simply growing apart, or from more insidious things like abandonment, abuse, or infidelity, it’s no wonder why you may feel like you cannot put your faith in anyone anymore.

As if that’s not bad enough, loss of trust can be nasty because it makes us doubt ourselves during a time when we deserve to be strong.

The inability to trust actually has a stronger blow-back on us, because it makes us lose confidence in ourselves, it turns our world upside down as we begin to question what we can really depend on, and as we work to start over and get our lives back.

As difficult as this may seem though, there is one thing you must remember—the source of your betrayal sucks, but it does not get to define the rest of your future.

What happened to you does not define you.

This tenet is true with everything you experienced during divorce, but is one we tend to forget.

When we were betrayed, we tend to view the work differently. We may think that everybody is out to get us, that we can no longer trust any of our relationships, and that we will not be able to depend or trust anything in our lives again.

But as painful as betrayal has been, it is not your death sentence. It does not mean that nothing good will come your way again, or that you will not be able to heal.

If anything, betrayal during your divorce, no matter who crazy or earth-shattering it may have been, actually shines a light on the toxicity of that relationship, and showing you that you deserve better than to be in a state where you cannot trust.

The next time that the hurt from mistrust creeps into your thoughts, you must remember the following:

• Trusting yourself is the foundation to trusting again

• You are not alone in this world

• There are people who love you

• There are people who are rooting for you.

Exercise: Rebuilding Trust

If learning to trust again is something you have been struggling with as you continue to heal and move on after your divorce, take a look at this simple exercise for a kick-start!

Answer the following questions:

What and who can I depend on that I sometimes overlook? This can be simple. Take a look at my examples below!

The Love Mindset: It may not seem like much, but I know that my dog Oliver is always there for me. Whenever I come home after a long day of work or if I’m feeling sad, he can always sense it and he comes over with his tail wagging as he sits in my lap to snuggle.

My little sister has always been there for me. As we have gotten older, she has become a confidant, and shoulder to try on, and a thinking partner when I am struggling with a problem.

What will I do to acknowledge and celebrate those things?

The Love Mindset: I will continue to care for and spoil Oliver, who brings so much love into my life.  And the next time I talk to my little sister, I will let her know how much I appreciate her.

How will I embrace those things when I am triggered and feel mistrust and betrayal as I continue to heal?

The Love Mindset: When that wave of mistrust washes over me—which is many times when I think about the marriage—I will put that feeling on pause, and then remind myself of the many beautiful things in my life that I can depend on. I will list those things, and if I am physically near one of those things, I will reach out to them. For example, I will hug my dog and take him on a walk to clear my head. Or I will text my sister to see how she’s doing. Redirecting the negative feelings of betrayal into something positive will gently remind me that there are people and things in this life that I know I can depend on, who also depend on me. I will celebrate that trust and focus on that love instead.

What to Reflect On

Now, it’s your turn! Who are the people and things in your life that you can depend on, and how can you draw on their energy to heal and build trust again? What will you do this week to celebrate the confidence you have in them?

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” shows readers the fail-proof ways to get their confidence back and put themselves first as they move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by Surviving Your Split today!

No matter where you are in the divorce process it’s unavoidable.

You know the feeling all too well. That divorce anxiety and stress. The fear of the unknown. The loss of control of the life we thought we knew.

It’s normal to panic, but that doesn’t mean you have to go through your days worried that you’re doing something wrong in your divorce, or that you’re going to screw something up.

You deserve better than that.

See, here’s the the thing that cripples us during divorce.

When we’re going through something new and unfamiliar, we think that for some reason we won’t be good at it, and that we’ll completely fail at it.

The same irrational thinking is applicable to the divorce process. Most of the time we’re panicking because we have no idea what the heck is going to happen from one day to the next.

“Is my ex going to change their mind on the settlement?”

“Will I have enough money as a single parent to support myself but still be there for my children?”

“Oh god. What if this divorce drags out? Am I going to be broke?”

“I haven’t worked outside the home for years. Where on earth will I even start?”

“Am I ever going to get over this anger I have?”

“Will I ever find love again?”

We don’t know the answers to these questions or the myriad others invading our thoughts at all hours of the day, and those unanswered questions are what make us anxious. Anxiety preys on our insecurities about what we don’t know. And for some reason, we have been conditioned to think that THE UNKNOWN= SOMETHING COMPLETELY HORRIBLE, which is just crazy.

We fear the unknown, without really fully grasping that the UNKNOWN can actually have a ton of amazing things for us. Our anxiety paralyzes us because it has hijacked our not knowing the future, the UNKNOWN, and has put dibs on it saying, “Oh, because you are unsure of what will happen, that means it must automatically something horrible.”

And you know what, Anxiety? That’s just BS. Just because we don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future doesn’t mean we’re going to be held hostage anymore, lying awake at night, worried sick about what the future has in store for us.

We’re going to do thing differently. You already have all the tools you need to kick your anxiety to the curb. And with the exercise below, you’ll learn how to do just that.

Kick Anxiety to the Curb Exercise

This exercise is actually really easy, and a lot of fun. Chances are in your life, you have been though other stressful situations. And I know for a fact that you were able to get through those situations, plan them out, and navigate with grace.

You can do the same thing with your divorce anxiety in a few easy steps.

1. Take a few minutes and think about some of the past stressful situations in your life.

2. Write down how you dealt with those situations. What did you do, exactly? What fears did you have that you were able to work through? What steps did you take?

Example: I was laid off unexpectedly last year. I totally didn’t see it coming and I wasn’t prepared to look for another job.

After initially freaking out, I knew that I had to get to get busy and that I didn’t have time to sit and be upset. I updated my resume. I subscribed to job alerts on several job sites. I started attending as many career fairs as I could find. I started reaching out to former colleagues to see if they knew of any openings. I also applied for unemployment compensation and re-tooled my budget because I knew things would be tight until I found new work

3. After you are finished doing this with a few events in your life, list the things in your divorce that are causing you anxiety. Be honest and thorough. You’ll find that getting it all off your chest will make you feel better.

4. Now for the big leap: How can you apply some the things that you did in other stressful situations of your life to your current divorce anxiety? The connections are there, and they are strong.

A.  Example: I am anxious about the divorce because I don’t know what to do. But I remember feeling that way when I was laid off.

B.  Plan: Much like when I was laid off, the only way I can make any changes in the way I feel is if I take action. I feel anxious because I feel unsure, but I won’t feel unsure if I start to plan. So, I am going to start to research. I am going to list everything I actually can do, and then take action to do them. If I am worried about money, I will look at my budget and see if I really need to worry. If I do, I will research other income sources or speak with a financial advisor. If I need help trying to figure this all out, I will reach out for further guidance.

Repeat this step with all the things that are giving you anxiety and stress, and you’ll start to realize that there is actually so much you can control.

This is your life. You own it.

And the anxiety that holds you hostage is something you can kick to the curb.

More articles by Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” shows readers how to get their confidence back and put themselves first as they move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Survival Kit, stop by Surviving Your Split today!

One of the many things we struggle with as we learn to recover from divorce is learning how to rebuild our self-esteem.

It’s easy to understand why this is such an issue. When your marriage ends, you may feel rejected. You may feel unworthy.

You sit crying on your coach, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s at hand, wondering why your spouse does not love you anymore.

You may think, as you’re stumbling through the list of to-do’s and stress of everything else going on in your life, that nobody will ever find you attractive and worthy of love.

But I am here to tell you to knock it off because it’s simply not true.

Never forget for a second that you are a badass and that you are strong and beautiful.

So, today, as we get a quick lesson on rebuilding our self-esteem, you need to embrace the following self-esteem revelation.

What happened to you does not define you.

Ending a marriage, and any relationship for that matter is not fun. It causes us to question who we are, what we thought our life was, and where we are in this universe.

We tend to define ourselves solely within the terms of being a partner and we become dependent on that position as a mean to validate ourselves. We start to place our entire value on being a spouse, rather than putting that focus on something healthy—the independent, kind person that you are.

So it’s no surprise that our self-esteem shatters when the one pillar we have defined ourselves—the spouse—goes away. We make this false connection that end of marriage = bad unworthy person. It’s no wonder why you’re feeling like crap.

But think about this for a second. When you stumbled and sprained your ankle that one time, the way you defined yourself didn’t go negative just because your ankle hurt.

And if you were ever in a car accident, or if you have ever been hospitalized, you didn’t tie your identity and your self-worth into that one event happening in your life. Hell no. You knew that it was an inconvenience, but you were soon back to life.

So, why don’t you treat your divorce the same way? Sure, this is a hiccup in your life. Of course it’s stressful dealing with lawyers and worrying about a change in financial change. But that doesn’t mean that you are any less of a person, or somehow not worthy or self-respect and love because you’re going through this situation. It’s quite the opposite.

The fact that you have the grace to navigate through this stressful time, and the strength to carry on and taking care of everything else you have going on speaks volumes of your character, of your intellect, and your all-around awesomeness.

You should applaud yourself for the amazing job you’re doing and give yourself credit.

But if you’re still struggling with rebuilding your self-esteem, I understand. And because it can be difficult to change your mindset, I have a few exercises for you!

Reclaiming your Self- Esteem Exercise: Embracing the fact that you’re freakin’ amazing.

Step 1: List all the things that you’re good at. 

Don’t be shy with this one! Every day, you no doubt accomplish things that would cause others to whimper—things that you most likely don’t give yourself credit for. But it’s time to change that. What are things that you know you rock at? This has nothing to do with bragging or being immodest. Acknowledging your awesome skills is an important step to nurture yourself.

If you need some inspiration, take a look at my examples below.

My friends say I’m a good listener.

My mom says that I am good at thinking logically.

I’m a go-getter and know how to take initiative. 

I’m good at plan things and getting stuff done. 

Now it’s your turn! And if you can’t think of many things all at once, come back to this exercise to continue listing all of the amazing stuff you’re good at.

Step 2: List all the things that you love about yourself.

Many times, we struggle with celebrating the great stuff about ourselves. Many of us were taught to be modest, and that it was wrong and extravagant to “toot our own horn.”

But that misguided thinking meant that many of us weren’t taught how to be self-confidence and to hold ourselves in the high regard that we should.

But it’s not too late to kick that negative thinking aside and start acknowledging how beautiful and amazing we really are. So, here are some examples to inspire you!

I love my long hair.

I love to read.

I love to explore new things. 

I love that I am a good cook and know how to entertain.

See how easy it is? How about you? What do you love about yourself? Some things may come to you later, so it’s okay to come back to this list as often as you need to!

Step 3:The next time your self-esteem bothers you, how will you incorporate Step 1 and 2 to neutralize the Self Esteem Monster? 

The next time my self-esteem starts playing tricks on me, I will consciously stop myself and remind myself of two things that I am good at, and two things that I love about myself, turning this negativity into kindness. As an example…

Now that my marriage is over, who in the hell would ever want me?

STOP. I am kind. I am a good friend. And I’m damn good at my profession. 

I feel so stupid—this divorce is all my fault. 

STOP. I did my best. I have a good heart. I have much to contribute to this world. This divorce does not define me. 

Okay, now it’s your turn! Are there self-esteem issues that you deal with when it comes to recovering from your marriage? What types of thought do you have when you are not feeling confident?

And, more importantly, what kind, loving messages will you start to tell yourself as you begin to repair your self-esteem?

Remember that no matter what anybody has told you in life, you are enough. You are worthy of respect and love. And you are stronger and smarter than you can imagine.

Click here for more articles by certified divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt

About Martha Bodyfelt

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach whose website, “Surviving Your Split,” helps readers get through their separation and divorce with less stress and drama so that they can move on with their lives. Stop by http://survivingyoursplit.comand sign up for your free divorce survival kit or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.