Margaret Ward-Martin

Beyond the "Glow Up": Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce
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Beyond the “Glow Up”: Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different.  Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another.  That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support.  Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences.  Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing.  This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.

Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity

Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again.  If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded.  Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again.  To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits.  By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds.  Confidence comes with doing.  If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can.  If she wants to dance, then dance.  With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.

The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the  physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”

When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways.  It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks.  For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention.  If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself.   In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible  If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors.  Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.

Understanding grief after a break up

Grief often gets a bad rap.   After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations.  Lean in, I suggest.  You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending.  As for self-actualisation?  This may come but, please, no more pressure.  Be the best version of yourself one day at a time.  And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff.  If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.

Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.

Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce 

Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.

Healing timelines 

Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.”  At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.

As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far.  Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…

Rebuilding your life privately and publicly 

It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.

As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.

Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter

Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.

This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you.  Be effective in your own healing and recovery.  No-one else can do this for you.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

 

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Narcissistic Family Systems - A Staged Life
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Narcissistic Family Systems – A Staged Life

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Here psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin examines narcissistic family systems and how to handle them. In such families, the narcissist, usually a parent or grandparent, demands that everyone meets their needs. They manipulate, shame, guilt trip, gaslight, and rage to maintain control. Narcissistic parents assign roles, control the narrative, and direct every action.

Roles in a Narcissistic Family System

  • The Narcissist: Rule maker.

  • The Enabler: Keeps the narcissist happy, consciously or unconsciously.

  • The Golden Child: Moulded to preserve the narcissist’s image.

  • The Scapegoat: The individual who speaks the truth or dissents is often labelled as ‘The Problem’. This scapegoat is more likely to experience adverse mental and physical health compared to others.

  • Understudies and Chorus: These are other children or family who step in when leading cast members are unavailable and cannot fulfil the narcissist’s needs. They are eager to assume these roles and, having observed from a distance, know their lines well.

Healthy families offer unconditional love, a supportive environment for growth, and validation. However, in a narcissistic family, children are seen as extensions of the narcissist and must conform to keep them satisfied. Disobedience, rebellion and any attempt to separate or become independent is likely to result in a narcissistic rage or exclusion. Maintaining the family’s image is paramount and the narcissist will dictate that.  The narcissist’s greatest fear is exposure and they will do anything to avoid this happening including harming (directly or indirectly) members of their own family.

Signs of a Narcissistic Family System

  • Control is often achieved by creating conflict between family members. For example, one sibling might be informed about a business deal while another is not, leading to distrust. This tactic, known as triangulation, is commonly used by narcissists to divide and conquer. They may also exert control by keeping adult children dependent, providing them with resources such as housing, employment, and financial support. This control may even extend to the regulation of food consumption, access to bathrooms, and the availability of heat and light within the home. Tracking or spyware may also be used in the guise of keeping family members safe.  It is really a tool for control but is being presented as a caring parent or partner. Manipulation may also be at play in family businesses or dynasties where the narcissist influences education, work, and social life. What appears to be closeness is often a pathological need for control.

  • All members should uphold the Perfect Family image to minimise conflict. This adaptive response arises from trauma bonding, making it hard to identify unacceptable behaviour until removed from the situation.  Additionally, inconsistent parenting creates controlled chaos, leaving children in chronic stress due to unpredictable moods.

  • Boundaries will be ignored by a narcissist; personal space may be invaded or a diary read. They may overshare personal information that a child is not emotionally mature enough to process.

  • Punishment is stern, with any dissent potentially resulting in anger, silent treatment, social isolation, and fear. It is important to acknowledge that children who are consistently afraid of their parents are, without exception, experiencing abuse.

  • Perfectionism is common in narcissistic families. Teachers may observe a child fearing low test scores, as nothing satisfies the narcissistic parent. This extends to decision-making; children capable of contributing are often denied this right because the narcissist believes they know best.

  • Deception: A narcissistic parent may selectively share information with their child, withholding it from the other parent or family members, thereby influencing family dynamics and perceptions. For example, if a narcissistic parent informs a child of an extramarital affair and instructs them to keep it their secret, this can lead to confusion and distress for the child, creating an environment where trust is compromised. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may distort the truth, leading to misunderstandings about family dynamics. This can sometimes result in the non-narcissistic parent being incorrectly identified as the abuser.

  • Narcissists may use personal information strategically, recalling hopes, dreams, or fears shared with them and disclosing private details without consent. For instance, a partner’s confidential discussion about their sexual history could be disclosed to others without consent or potentially used to blackmail them or in divorce proceedings. The narcissist will use this information to address their feelings, showing no empathy towards the partner. While lacking empathy within the family, they present a different persona to the outside world.  In a divorce, personal data from intimate moments can be used as leverage to secure a favourable outcome.

The Legacy of Narcissistic Families

Children of parents with narcissistic traits may encounter personal challenges, which might include developing similar traits or personality disorders. They may also experience difficulties with trust, anger, attachment, codependency, and self-esteem. These early experiences can contribute to poor mental health or the development of addictions. Individuals may also experience confusion about the nature of a loving relationship, due to early exposure to an emotionally impoverished environment.  Getting help and finding the right support is a great way to begin recovery and healing.

Where to start

  • Acknowledge that your family of origin may not have acted in your best interests. This requires a period of adjustment and grieving and making the decision to cease these unacceptable relational patterns. It can end with you.

  • Engage in self-care activities such as therapy, meditation, spending time with supportive friends, and making healthy lifestyle choices.

  • Reflect on and reassess your relationship with your parents and family. While contact is not necessary, if you decide to maintain it, set clear boundaries and avoid manipulation. Understanding the situation can help with managing interactions.

  • Avoid rationalising or excusing the poor treatment from narcissistic parents. Compassion can be exploited by them to destabilise and confuse their children, so steer clear of situations where you may hear a sob story. Narcissists often present themselves as victims.  They are reluctant to take responsibility for their actions.  Instead, they will provide a diluted version of events.  One cunning ploy is to narrate a version of events with a grain of truth that explains and justifies their behaviour.  The child may well feel less hostile towards the parent and be more forgiving.  Narcissists are adept at exploiting blind spots.

  • Limit your partners’ or friends’ exposure to the narcissistic family’s charm, fake empathy, and information-gathering tactics.  These people may be used as fresh supply and your decision to set boundaries and reduce contact will protect them as well as you.

Narcissistic families are not confined to any particular demographic or societal group; they can be found across various levels of privilege, poverty, education, religion, and culture. While narcissistic abuse within these family systems may be challenging to identify, the insights provided by individuals who have experienced such situations allow us to recognize specific behaviours that clearly indicate the dynamics present in these families.  This offers those of us in supporting services a clearer understanding of the challenges we face, highlighting the importance of continually learning about this pathology whilst also attending to our own wellbeing.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

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How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner
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How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

It would be misleading to write a prescriptive list of next steps because one of the key stressors of dealing with a narcissist – ex or otherwise – is unpredictability. Their reaction to a break-up is often rage, mortification, blame, threats, emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping.

They may do this by:

  1. Blaming you for the relationship failing and accusing you of not trying hard enough or being selfish.

  2. Threatening to harm themselves if you don’t give it another go or say their own family is getting ill because of the breakup. This is guilt tripping.

  3. Hoovering or sucking you back into the relationship by love bombing and telling you all the things they know you want to hear.

  4. Future faking and selling you a fantasy. This is another strategy whereby they assure you, very dramatically, that they will not only change but promise to give up their addiction or get a job or stop cheating and gambling. This time it will be different. Another con.

  5. Faking crises and amplifying illness. This could be by implying that they or your children are in danger and need help. This justifies contacting the non-narcissistic parent. An example might be where the narcissistic parent informs the other that their child has a (fabricated) terminal illness or is in (imaginary) danger. When trying to go no contact this may be the narcissist’s go to. It’s a way of trying to regain control. They will go to extraordinary lengths to convince you and others that the illness or danger is real.

  6. Threatening revenge. This may be by saying they will leave you homeless or bankrupt when you leave or threaten physical harm. It is highly likely that they will threaten to take your children away from you. This is plain cruelty and will leave you feeling traumatised.

  7. Lie about you. Narcissists lie. They lie pathologically and compulsively, and they will do this when you reject them. You will be painted in the worst light. It might be that they contact your employers and clients, family and friends and will lie about you and they rarely miss the opportunity to try and outsmart you in Court.

  8. Stalking is another way the narcissist can continue to try to control you. This is possible on several levels: in person, through social media, spy wear on your phone or computer and even using tracking apps on your children’s phones. Report this to the police or discuss it with your solicitor.

Now you know what to expect – what can you do?

  • Set boundaries and stay safe. Avoid meeting in person. If this is unavoidable, ensure you have someone with you that can bear witness and help you to remove yourself from the situation.

  • Report stalking at once. Sometimes, when you have been in an intimate relationship you give the other person far too much credit for being a stable, decent human being. Avoid being sentimental. Keep to the forefront of your mind the reality that this person has caused you harm. They may turn up to your place of work, follow you to known haunts and follow you and your friends on social media. Stalking is a crime and calls for police involvement.

  • Do not tolerate abuse. Be determined to shut down a raised voice or abusive text by walking away or blocking and reporting them.

  • Document and record everything you can. This is helpful when obtaining an injunction or in cases with shared parenting arrangements. Narcissists are unlikely to want to use co-parenting apps because they cannot access you. By collating this written witness, it is helpful when a Court ordered arrangement is being considered.

  • If you need to have contact for co-parenting or shared pet purposes, use a co-parenting app. If this is not possible, use text messaging or email to correspond. Then you have everything in writing thus avoiding only having your word for it which can easily be discredited.

  • Establish a support system and, if you feel unsafe, speak with the police, and open a case file. Learn about relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. There are worthwhile free online resources to help with your learning.

  • Speak to your employer or your children’s schools and inform them of what is going on. Children who witness domestic abuse are also victims of domestic abuse. HR departments are likely to have a domestic abuse protocol in place.

In terms of healing, take time to:

  • Work on your own blind spots. The narcissist is plausible and manipulative. Avoid attributing genuine human emotion to them. They are consummate imitators and very convincing. They know how to look and what to say so do not be manipulated by theatrics. The contortions of angst and tears of declared sorrow are not of remorse or empathy, but of rage at being close to being exposed and murderous anger because you are holding your boundaries. They have a bottomless capacity for self-pity and do not have the capacity for empathy so hold your nerve.

  • Acknowledge “withdrawal” from a narcissistic partner that can result in symptoms comparable to that of an addict. This is not a judgement, it’s the science of intermittent reinforcement. Think of a slot machine – just as you are about to move on – the symbols align, and you get enough of a payout. And you stay. The same in relationships – you get a reward just as you are about to leave. It’s science. This can apply to other narcissists in your life; parents, children, employers, friends – you get the picture. Therefore, prepare for withdrawal symptoms and, if you can, find a specialist therapist and make effective use of domestic abuse charities who have an increasing understanding of these psychological processes.

  • Distance yourself from your ex. If an ex contacts you to say they are going to harm themselves, call 999 immediately. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour. They are unlikely to repeat this if police officers turn up to their place of work to check on their wellbeing.

  • Stay the course and avoid giving your ex the benefit of the doubt. Ever. They are professional victims and do not consider themselves accountable. They feel entitled to behave in the manner they do because they are owed this much at least.

  • Understand why you suddenly become isolated. It is likely that you will be alienated because of your decision to leave. Your narcissistic ex will lie about you, reveal your fears, sexual history, health issues – they will fabricate a falsehood that portrays them as a victim. They may even go one further and present themselves as a survivor who wishes to help other victims. It is especially vicious when they alienate you from your own children and family. It is shocking but not at all surprising.

  • Manage your expectations that the ex will change. You may be tempted to hold on to hope but please don’t. They will not change but what they will do is waste more of your time and life if you let them. Avoid judging the range of emotions you are likely to feel, depression, loss, grief, pathological loneliness, and sadness. You may also feel angry and blame yourself. The abuse you have suffered is not your fault.

  • Prepare for the worst and seek support from worthy friends who will help you through social and parental alienation, deliberate attempts to sabotage your new life, financial ruin, and lengthy legal cases – the list goes on. And be ready for the long haul. Narcissists find it difficult and often impossible to separate, and will try to control you by proxy. Your ex is likely to use any means necessary to torture you and discredit you. This may include the legal system, your family and friends or employer and your children. They will attempt to manipulate them to pervert your relationship with the people important to you.

  • Focus on your mental health and understand the trauma you are going through. Gaslighting and deprivation of physiological, social, and emotional needs will take a toll. There is a specific type of trauma – post relationship trauma – that needs to be worked through. Take your time and grieve. There is a loss. Distance from the narcissist and from the relationship will help you to heal but there may be flashbacks, a sense of dread, anxiety, and other symptoms. These are all perfectly “normal” responses to an abnormal situation.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live.

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