"linda simpson" - Page 5

We were married for 17 years and have two children. Our daughter is a teen and our son is a few years younger. My son is sullen and withdrawn. My daughter spends her days furious with me and yet I didn’t cause the marriage breakup. I feel completely lost and alone. I never thought our marriage would end. We patched things up a few years ago when he was unfaithful but I can’t do it again. My daughter thinks I should forgive and forget. I beat myself up for trusting him again so how could I forget that? I feel anger from all sides. I love my children. My daughter is furious with me and my son just says nothing. I never thought I would be the target for such anger from my daughter. I am doing the best I can and feel so helpless. On top of it I am waging a text message war with both her and my soon to be X husband which is gutting me. I want my kids to love me. How do I get through this time?

Deep breath. You are in the midst of a tornado of emotion. Remember that this is one moment in time. You will get through this and things will get better. Right now everyone including you is raw with pain.

Anger is the very first stage of grief. Your daughter has many emotions swirling inside her. Although we might not realize, children often feel guilt over the end of a marriage. They try to make sense of it by blaming themselves. If only they had done better at something then this all might not have happened.

Her anger is for the most part internal. Her family is falling apart and she is feeling an incredible loss of control in the midst of it. You are also closest at hand.

She feels shame over it as well. Shame for her family being torn apart.

To begin, arguments take two. My advice is cut out the nasty text messaging straight away. No situation is ever improved by hate texts.  These are all words hurled in anger.

You can even advise your daughter and your husband you will no longer argue via text. Use the messaging system for logistics of family life and keep it at that. The anonymity of texting increases the likelihood of words sent that might not be said otherwise.

Diffusing the texting will help to lower the family temperature a bit too.

Take a break from it all for a bit. In the early stages of separation it seems every day is consumed with talking about ‘it’ –the marriage breakdown. Give your head a rest on occasion. Go for a walk, take your daughter to a yoga class, take your son to a favourite place just the two of you- do whatever it takes for just of few moments of mental reprieve from the tension.

A little mental refreshment will give you a much greater chance of talking levelly and coherently with your daughter about the issue. We have all overshared with our children so be mindful of that as you talk to her.

Read her body language when you talk. Doe she fold her arms, step back and generally give you the impression she is putting up a barrier or are you seeing a softening of her position?

In those first few weeks and months of the marriage ending, it will seem like forever. It isn’t. It is a detour in your road of life. You will find the way forward.

Staying calm as much is humanly possible, staying healthy with some physical activity and looking after yourself in whatever way is meaningful to you will all help get you to a brighter tomorrow. It will also help you achieve some mental stamina to cope with your daughter’s anger.

Think of ways you can start some new traditions just the three of you. It may be movies and popcorn at home or a weekend somewhere everyone likes. This is a subliminal message that life will go on in the new family configuration.

Most of all tell your children you love them at every opportunity and hug them every chance you get. You can never love your children too much. Everyone is feeling confused right now. As you gain control so will they.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Emotional abuse is a difficult form of abuse to detect so how do you know when it’s taking place?

Linda shares her experience of an emotionally abusive marriage.  “It start insidiously with a withdrawal of affection and even a hug feels foreign,” she explains.  The warmth isn’t there and it slowly starts to escalate.

This can be followed by criticisms about what you do, how you are etc and this can be so gradual until you get to a point where you start to doubt yourself. You start to think that there’s something wrong with you and what they are doing is attacking your vulnerability.

Scroll down and listen to Linda talk about emotionally abusive relationships.

Click here for Letters to Linda column

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I have never been happier. He left a year ago. At first I was gutted but then with each day of freedom and independence I felt better. Not having to worry about someone’s moods, or piles of dirty clothes or their lies. I don’t miss any of it. I love being on my own and feel like I may never marry again. Is this normal?

It is perfectly normal and many discover, just like you, that being married is not for them. At least marriage with the person who left is not for them.

For many of us there is no empty space. We don’t see an empty chair and quite enjoy sprawling out over the whole bed. This is an attitude or choice we make to not let the person who left leave a space in our lives. It gets filled up with conviction and plans for a new life ahead.

After that initial shock wears off we discover we really like this new life. Certainly don’t feel guilty for these feelings. Many would envy you who feel trapped in the aftermath of divorce and have not found the way forward.

For those that can’t move forward as you have done, it is giving power to the person that left. They don’t deserve that power because it allows them to diminish your new life. What you have done is chosen to not let his choices affect your attitude.

Why would we miss someone who does not want to be with us?

Many people spend enormous amounts of time immersed in a sadness for the leaving partner. They left because they did not want a life together.

Rejection is difficult but getting to a place of acceptance that the person who left is gone and wanted to be gone is the goal. It also begs the question –why did we invest emotionally in them in the first place?

Remember the old saying ” we want to get better, not bitter’ and clearly you have done that.

Being where you are emotionally means your conversations will not be about him but about you, your hopes and dreams and future.

It is also important to be comfortable with being single as you clearly are. Head held high is the key. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely because someone left who did not want to be with us gives them too much power over our new life.

Why suffer when we can choose to be content and confident? That is perhaps the best outcome because your attitude and ability to live as you do is a clear statement to your world.  Although you may not have been the reason for the breakup, it happened and you have fully embraced this future you were handed.

Many people with happy healthy relationships do not live together. You may find a future like that someday but for now enjoy this feeling of freedom and personal control.

One thing every divorced person learns is what we don’t want in a new relationship.

We can look at all the negatives of the former partner’s personality and character and make a much better choice next time around. It sounds like your life is filled with many possibilities and your future will be whatever you choose it to be.

Bravo!

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

He said he would never and he did. He said he would never be unfaithful and he was. He said when we separated he would be reasonable about settling the terms of our separation given what he did and he is not. He is arguing ever single point in our separation agreement. My legal bills are climbing by the day. Why is he treating me this way?

First to consider, can you take a break from negotiations for a time, a month or so, to give yourself a chance to regroup emotionally?

It is an unfortunate truth that, for many partners who cause a marriage breakup, the guilt is short lived. There are so many reasons for a guilty former spouse changing into a cruel, heartless one. And there are many that can relate to your dilemma.

It may be the leaving partner is on to their new life and wants to forget their old life. It may be the partner is being influenced by others in their new life. People take sides and what your former spouse wants most of all right now is justification for his choices and behaviour.

There are any number of people in his new life willing to give him that, is my guess. They are also probably very willing to allow him to rewrite history a bit to satisfy his neediness.

Fortified with that type of support, he is able to challenge you at every turn.

However, separation is a legal issue. Keep your eye on the goal of having a fair and equitable separation agreement and divorce.

You need to rise above his lack of guilt and be very clear about what you want. Your legal adviser can help you navigate the paper trail to separation. As much as is humanly possible, don’t engage in his hysteria. He’s looking for a reaction from you- a “there I told you so’ excuse for his behaviour.

They often paint us as ‘crazy’, planting suggestions to others like ‘you don’t really know her’ with raised eyebrows without giving any indication of how they are behaving or what they really have done before the marriage ended. When the guilt goes so does any semblance of consideration for you and all you have been to him in the marriage. There are so many of us that had to endure the insult but be assured, you can and will get through it.

You cannot change where he is at emotionally. All you can do is focus on keeping calm in the midst of the chaos. If you cannot take a break from negotiations then take care of yourself.

Find the time and space needed to keep yourself on an even keel. Spend time to ensure you are in control of your emotions. That will enable you to make all the decisions that need to be made.

Muster what it takes to be clear and matter of fact in your dealings. It takes two to argue. Don’t rise to his bait and spend money on petty arguments.  However, don’t give in to any of his demands that are not acceptable. With your legal counsel maintain a steady forward movement in negotiations. Talk to your lawyer about possible ways to optimize the legal process. Be forthright about the mounting costs and look for ways to reduce expenses.

Be patient because there is ‘regular time and there is legal time.’ For whatever reasons part of the legal process is to drag on proceedings, not answer letters and miss deadlines. Push for every effective way to keep the momentum and get the issues resolved.

Good legal advice and a level head will get you to your future.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

We divorced years ago and both of us moved on to new partners. Our only daughter is grown, married and has two children. I am devoted to all of them.  My problem is that my former wife shows no interest in our daughter or her grandchildren. She talks to our daughter a few times a year when she also sees her grandchildren. My daughter feels there is no real connection with her and with the children and their grandmother. 

Family estrangement is stressful pressure on a family, particularly with the emotion of divorce is attached to it.

You don’t know why your former wife has distanced herself.

Look at the history she had with your daughter. Were they ever very close? Did something happen to change the dynamic of the relationship?

Focus on what you do know first. Your daughter is concerned enough as she has talked to you about it. How did you respond? Did you offer any suggestions? Does your daughter want to reconnect?

You have been divorced for many years and it is probably best to limit your involvement to advice for your daughter. Encourage her to talk directly to her mother.

It is really between your daughter and her mother. Best to not pass judgement on the situation. Listen when your daughter talks but that can be very tricky territory. You don’t want to be caught in a ‘he said, she said’ situation all these years past your divorce.

There is also a stage we reach in family estrangement where leaving it alone for a time is perhaps the best approach.

You don’t know what might be going on in your former wife’s life. If there is an issue, she may not be ready to discuss it with her daughter. But be assured there are probably things you do not know about for why this has happened.

Estrangement is very stressful for a family.

All that you can do, that you have control over, is your own interaction with your daughter and grandchildren. Make sure you and your daughter have a strong relationship. Be available when she wants to talk. Listen. Pay attention to your grandchildren. Be a significant part of their lives.

Don’t criticize your ex- wife or discuss her absence in front of your grandchildren.

Children see and hear much more than we realize. They are children processing adult conversation and opinions and it is not optimal to colour their opinion of their grandmother.

It has been my experience that one good parent offsets the effects of an absentee parent or grandparent. As their grandfather, you have a significant part to play in your grandchildren’s lives.

Enjoy your time with them, take an interest in what they are doing and make each visit special. Create lasting memories. That is really all you can do.

You know your ex-wife is missing out on a very important part of life where we reap the benefits of our hard work as parents.  For whatever reasons, it is her choice to be mostly absent at this time in family life.

As difficult as it may be to accept, there’s also the possibility she is really not interested.

Some absentee parents feel they have done their job and now it is time to do all the things they felt they missed in those parenting years.

You are there for your daughter and grandchildren. Focus less on your former wife’s absence and more on your presence in their lives and enjoy every minute you share together.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

Not so much a question as a statement and alert to other married couples. My wife and I will be separating after nearly 30 years of marriage. We drifted apart. We both let it happen. I don’t blame her and I hope she doesn’t blame me. Our children are adults and worry what the future as a family will be like. I really want to remind everyone, if you have a good marriage, look after it.

Thank you for being so open at a very difficult time in your life. You are not alone, as I think you already know, in becoming complacent. It happens to many people.

The problem is that it happens silently, like background music that is there but not noticed.

We go about our lives together, covering all the bases of food, housing, getting to appointments and fall into that place of thinking that is enough for a marriage. As many have learned it is not- in fact- enough.

A relationship is a living organism. It needs those basics of food and housing but it also needs nurturing.

The nurturing is the hard part because that means all the times we need to be there for our partner when we’d much rather be doing something else. We do it because down the road we trust that our partner will do the same for us when we are in need. Trust is a cornerstone of any marriage.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of any divorce is the broken bond of trust we had with our partner. There are many ways trust can be compromised in a marriage but in this instance the relationship was taken for granted and was lost as a result.

It’s much easier to go through the motions, look good to your world and make allowances for anything lacking. Then suddenly, the day arrives, as it happened to you, where you are staring into a void-an emptiness that cannot be filled. There is no anchor to the marriage anymore.

If there is any chance it is not too late then perhaps you can see a marriage counselor, have a trial separation and evaluate in a few months. In today’s world of instant everything you can take your time in this separation process. The rule book for how we must separate and divorce has long ago been thrown out.

Was there ever a good time together? What did that look like? Can you get back to that place?

If it is beyond the point of no return then you can be supportive, civil and committed to your family together. Resolve to be the best divorced couple possible with a relationship based on empathy and respect. Give your children the security they deserve. Although changed in structure you are still a family together.

If you do divorce remember it is not the end but a detour in life. Learn from the mistakes made and ensure your next relationship partner receives the care and attention they deserve.

My husband moved out Boxing Day. I don’t know why we thought spending Christmas together would be a good idea when we knew we were separating. The kids were sad, I was angry and he was eager to get through Christmas to leave. Now what?

There are lots of separating couples that make decisions they wonder about at a later date. Some even go on one last holiday and others spend one last holiday season together.  You did it, it’s over and there is nothing you can do to change what happened.

What you can do now is focus on your life with your children and your future. If you are OK, your kids will be OK.

Routines are essential to establish stability in the new family unit. If you have shared custody then make sure the children have input on the scheduling of their visits back and forth.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of divorce is acceptance of the changes needed in this new reality.

Rules need to be established. Will he be expected to knock at your door and wait for it to be opened? How much interaction between the two of you is another question to consider. Do you keep connected on social media? Too often social media is used as a place to get even and no one benefits from public outbursts. Your children might see it and their friends might see it too.

Your goal right now is to begin to put your new life together ensuring stability for your children after what has probably been many difficult months.

Learning a new language of ‘my’ children and ‘me’ is another task. They are your children together but when talking to friends and family I found it best to refer to them as mine. Using plural pronouns only complicated matters because we weren’t ‘us’ anymore.

He is gone. So another question is how you will refer to him in conversation. The children’s father is one example and his given name another. Both are less abrasive than my Ex.

Starting a new life has its challenges but being prepared for these eventualities helps ease the transition. Your children have probably experienced some very difficult times and keeping the negative emotion controlled will be of great benefit to them.

How will you deal with parent teacher interviews? Do you feel comfortable sharing the interview with him or do you wish to do it separately?

Schools are very accommodating toward separate interviews so ask for it if you feel that is what you want. Above all do what makes you most comfortable and not what he expects you to do. This is your new life now.  School concerts and sports events can be dealt with in the same way. Any decision can be altered down the road but for now do what feels best for you.

Resolve to be the best parent you can be. Your children need to know they can depend on you and that you will be balanced and fair in your decision making with them.

Too often our loss of control in the divorce process leads to an anger that is acted out on people closest to us.

Gaining control of our emotions means better decision making and there will be many decisions ahead. Your children have a future that needs to be considered. They can weather divorce and lead fulfilling lives with kindness, security and guidance.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I was in a committed relationship for ten years. For many reasons we mutually agreed to separate. My problem is that because we weren’t married my friends are a bit dismissive. I feel that some of them think it was a lesser relationship than a marriage. We both didn’t believe a ceremony would make anything different and opted not to get married. But everything else was the same. How can I help my friends understand I am feeling the same way anyone would feel after a divorce?

No matter how much society progresses we still have strong perceptions about institutions and marriage is one of them. That does not make your friend’s reactions right but there is a reason behind their feeling about the situation.

The end of any committed relationship is an extremely difficult time.

Anger, worry and fear are all emotions that you deal with on a daily basis. There are many decisions to be made and many unknowns in your future. You want and need the support of your friends to help you through this time.

However, there’s an anger towards those friends who you think do not understand and also anger over your personal loss. That loss of personal control in both situations is a negative force in your life right now.

Your own well being should be the primary focus. Looking after your physical and emotional health is absolutely necessary. There are new challenges as your single life takes shape. You have many decisions to make and you will want to make the right ones.

The main priority is adjusting to the new circumstances of your life. That takes time. Our whole life and day to day patterns change when a relationship ends. Take care to sort out how this new stage in your life will evolve.

As for your friends, statements like “You don’t understand’ are judgemental and lack explanation or information. Best to try to educate your friends about what a committed relationship outside of marriage is like. A simple ‘this is marriage ‘ and ‘this was us’ outline of life will help them discover that there really was no difference. Be patient with those friends who you feel may not fully understand the seriousness of your situation. If they are good friends, there was most likely no malice in their judgements.

Remember that in those first few months after separation our perceptions are skewed. It may seem like friends are less than supportive but a PTRD sets in –a type of Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder.

Grief is the main reason for many of those extreme emotions and judgments we feel after the demise of a relationship. Commit to working through the stages of grief. One day in your future you will reach an acceptance for what has happened.

It may take time for some of your friends to truly understand how you are feeling. Many conversations may be necessary. Those conversations are all part of the healing process.

As we talk about our former life, we give our past shape and substance. It will also help you come to terms with the end of your relationship and focus on the future you want. Good Luck!

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

Since I found out about my ex husband’s affair I have changed. I know I have. I feel like a character in one of those TV dramas, obsessing about everything in my life. There are days when it seems all I can think about is showering to get rid of the smutty feel of being an unknowing part of what he did. Why do I feel that I want to prove I don’t have all those character flaws he was so eager to point out with such obvious satisfaction? Will I ever feel normal again?

You are experiencing the same feelings most women feel in the aftermath of an affair.

It is the first stage of the grief process – anger. The loss of control over the end of a marriage is at the top of the list of life’s major crises.

We turn inward and rage at that personal loss. You had no choice in being the 3^rd party to your former husband’s affair.

In the immediate aftermath it is hard to imagine a time when you won’t hurt, you don’t feel ‘smutty’ and you don’t think about the aspects of your divorce every minute of the day.  You want to get to a personal place that is ‘better not bitter’.

His opinions about your character are just that – his opinions. He is gone and has no control over you now. Allowing what was said to continue to fester is giving him power he doesn’t deserve.

First task is to get a handle on your emotions. There are various ways but exercise is certainly one of the best. Even if it is only going for a walk and stopping for a coffee or tea at the local bistro, exercise has an immediate positive effect on us physically. Taking control of your life as a single person is a big step.

Shaping a new life takes time and energy. Another way to move forward is to force new thoughts into your head. Plan a project, big or small. It may never come to fruition but plan it anyway. Every new step you take is a step away from the past and a step forward into your future.

A personal journal is a place to pour out anger and hurt without wearing out friends and relatives. A journal never gets tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. It is also an excellent gauge of your progress. You will see your new life sprouting from the words on the pages of that journal.

If it does not feel like you can make this progress on your own then seek out a counselor or trusted friend that will give you the advice you need. Sometimes an objective view can help us turn the corner.

All of your emotions at this time are part of life after divorce. You will get through it with commitment and determination.

We have enormous personal power and that is what will see you through this time. I know from personal experience you can and will get beyond those ‘smutty’  feelings and obsessing about his criticisms.

One day you will be thankful he left because his leaving has given you a future that will be happier and healthier without his negative influence. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I think my husband is having an affair. I have played mind games for months trying to convince myself it is just my imagination. He has become so distant both physically and emotionally. When he walks in the door he brushes past me and it feels like – honestly it feels like I repulse him. I find him looking at me oddly and when we get into bed we might as well be in different rooms. We haven’t been married very long and this started soon after we married. Even on our wedding day I felt he was only half there.  What should I do? Is it really all my imagination?

Any person who has felt isolated in a marriage can relate to your story.

That feeling of distance and sense of revulsion many people in a committed relationship have felt when a distancing appears.

We usually have those feelings for a reason. It’s most likely not your imagination. Trust yourself. What you don’t know are the reasons why you feel as you do and that is what needs to be discovered.

You’ve only been married a short time so everything is new to the both of you. Being married changes things. There is a sense of permanence and commitment to one person. It might only be your husband is feeling the pressure of being married and adjusting to perceived parameters in his life.

Before you talk to your husband write down all the reasons why you feel the way you do. Be as specific as you can in detailing times and places where those feelings came to you. This will help bring some clarity to your thinking and then when you talk together it will be in a clear and focused manner.

Perhaps start by asking him how he is feeling in these first months of marriage and tell him you sense something is amiss. Is it work? Is it something you can both work on? Very small steps at first.

The lack of intimacy and warmth is a very difficult challenge. Opening up lines of communication is a necessary step. Were you able to communicate before the distancing? Did anything happen that you recall to trigger this emotional distancing?  Proceeding carefully, without judgements, is important.

In highly emotionally charged situations like this we can often make accusations that turn out to be unfounded.

As often happens when we ask questions we forget to give the person a chance to respond or we try to answer for them. Ask your questions and wait for his answer. Qualify your questions with the fact you feel something has changed.

Explain your feelings as clearly as possible. Your goal is to understand what is happening because a marriage is a shared relationship.

Let him explain how he is feeling and go from that point. There are any number of possibilities why you feel as you do. Try to go into the discussion with an open mind, ready to listen.  Good Luck!

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. Linda is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.