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The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

Published on
Monika Braglewicz
Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

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Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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When a Holiday Becomes a Court Case

Published on
Gergely Fried
Gergely Fried
McKenzie Friend and Founder of Everyman Justice

Sponsored post by Everyman Justice.

Every summer, family courts see an increase in applications about children travelling abroad. On paper, these are disputes about flights, passports and dates. Sit in on enough of them, or sit across the table from enough parents preparing for one, and you notice something else. The holiday is rarely the thing anyone is actually angry about.

The argument that isn’t really about Spain

Nobody falls out over a week in Marbella. What they fall out over is what the request represents. A parent who feels shut out of decisions reads “can I take them abroad” as one more thing being decided without them. A parent who has spent two years being doubted and second-guessed reads “I need to know everything about this trip” as control dressed up as concern. By the time anyone mentions a Specific Issue Order, the holiday has become the battlefield for an argument that started months, sometimes years, earlier.

Better wording in a parenting plan won’t repair a trust problem. It will just move the argument to the next clause.

Consent as the last lever left

Here’s the part that legal guidance doesn’t always capture. After separation, a lot of parents lose most of the levers they used to have — they don’t decide the school run, the bedtime, the new partner who’s now around the kids. Consent to travel is often one of the only decisions left where their “no” still has weight. That makes it tempting to use, consciously or not, as leverage rather than as a genuine judgment about the child’s welfare. Withholding agreement can become less about the destination and more about being the one who still gets a say.

This is uncomfortable to write because it cuts both ways. Sometimes “I’m not comfortable with this” is a legitimate safeguarding instinct — a new partner nobody’s met, a country with weak return mechanisms, a parent with a pattern of not bringing children back on time. Sometimes it’s a respectable-sounding excuse for punishing an ex by making something they want harder to get. The two can look identical from the outside, and most parents convince themselves they’re the first kind even when they’re behaving like the second.

Booking first, asking later

The other recurring pattern: flights and accommodation get paid for before the other parent is even consulted. Sometimes that’s naivety — one parent genuinely assumes consent isn’t really in question. Sometimes it’s strategic — book it, tell the kids, then any refusal looks unreasonable and costly. Either way it backfires. Once money is spent, “let’s discuss this” turns into “you’re trying to ruin this,” and a conversation that could have taken five minutes becomes a standoff.

The irony is that most parents would never book a holiday with friends or extended family before checking everyone was available. Yet after separation, many make that assumption with the one person whose agreement may matter most. What feels like confidence to one parent often feels like exclusion to the other.

Too often, family courts are asked to decide questions that, in healthier co-parenting relationships, would never reach a judge.

What the court is actually weighing

Parents going into these applications often frame it, even to themselves, as “who deserves this holiday.” The court isn’t asking that question. It’s asking what serves the child’s welfare, and a parent who arrives showing they tried to communicate, gave reasonable notice, and shared a full itinerary is in a different position to one who books first and asks forgiveness later. The court is less interested in who “wins” the argument than in whether the proposed arrangements genuinely promote the child’s welfare. Parents who can show they communicated early, shared information and acted reasonably are usually in a much stronger position than those who created unnecessary conflict.

The children are listening more than anyone realises

Kids pick up far more than parents think. They hear “we’ll see,” they hear a tense phone call, and they fill in the blanks themselves — usually with something worse than the truth. A holiday that should be something to look forward to becomes something to be anxious about, and the child ends up carrying a dispute that was never theirs to carry.

What actually prevents this

None of this means every refusal is unreasonable. There are cases where concerns about abduction, safeguarding, or a parent’s previous behaviour make court involvement entirely appropriate. The challenge is recognising the difference between a genuine risk and a conflict that has simply found a new subject.

Not a longer clause in a Child Arrangements Order. A conversation that happens before anything is booked, where the request is just a request — not an announcement, not a fait accompli. Most of these cases could have been resolved with one calm exchange of information six months earlier. By the time it reaches court, it is rarely just a holiday dispute anymore. It is a trust dispute that happens to involve a holiday. No court order can repair that. It can only decide what happens next. The real challenge is not deciding where a child spends two weeks in August. It is helping parents make the next ten years of decisions without needing a judge every time.

Read more articles by Gergely Fried

About Gergely Fried

Gergely Fried is a McKenzie Friend, author, and the founder of Everyman Justice. With a background in education and business, and personal experience of child arrangements proceedings, he supports parents navigating the UK family court system with calm, practical guidance and emotional insight. His work focuses on clarity, emotional understanding, and reducing unnecessary conflict, always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.

His book, Conflict by Design, guides parents step by step through child arrangements proceedings using a realistic case narrative, explaining what to expect in clear, accessible language rather than legal or academic jargon.

Everyman Justice: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/
Support & Help: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/support-and-help/

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Should I Use AI to Navigate My Divorce?

Published on
Emma Alfieri - Co-Parenting
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Why AI Feels like the obvious answer

Artificial intelligence has, in a remarkably short space of time, become the first place many people turn when they need answers. Whether it is planning a holiday, drafting an email or understanding a complex topic, AI tools promise quick, confident responses at a click of a button, wherever you are.

It is therefore unsurprising that people facing separation or divorce are increasingly using AI to seek legal guidance. When emotions are high and costs are a concern, instant answers can appear to be an attractive alternative to seeking professional advice. However, when it comes to divorce and family law, relying on AI can quietly expose you to significant risk.

Why AI struggles with UK family law

One of the greatest dangers of AI is how convincing it can sound. Responses are often detailed, well-structured and expressed with confidence. However, confidence does not equal accuracy. AI responses are known to consistently contain inaccurate information.

Crucially, AI tools are not designed with the English legal system in mind. Most widely used platforms are developed in the United States and trained largely on American legal data. Although English and US family law both deal with issues such as divorce, finances and children, they differ significantly in structure, legal principles and outcomes.

Divorce law in England and Wales is highly discretionary and fact specific. AI guidance shaped by US assumptions can therefore be fundamentally unsuited – and potentially misleading – for English divorcing couples.

Increased cost and delay

Many people turn to AI in the hope of saving money. In reality, relying on incorrect or generic guidance can have the opposite effect. It can lead to:

  • Issuing the wrong type of application.
  • Failing to take appropriate steps before going to court.
  • Submitting poorly prepared documentation.

All of which a Judge is unlikely to look favourably upon. Ultimately when a solicitor is later instructed to correct these issues, the result is often increased costs, avoidable delay and added emotional strain. Early professional advice can prevent these problems arising, rather than having to repair the damage further down the line.

Where AI can be relied on

AI can be and is, an extremely helpful tool when used within appropriate limits. It can assist with explaining legal terminology, providing a general overview of the process and helping individuals frame questions before seeking advice.

However, it should be used as an information aid only. AI cannot access your individual circumstances, manage risk, or guide decisions that will shape your future.  It is important to be aware of AI’s inherent limitations – including its tendency to agree rather than challenge. AI is designed to be helpful and affirmative; it will not tell you your expectations are unrealistic or when a proposed course of action carries risk. In family law, that lack of challenge carries substantial risk.

Why a human approach matters for your family’s future

Divorce is not just a legal process; it could shape your future and that of your family. No two cases are the same and each requires careful consideration in context with the circumstances.

Divorce requires judgement, strategy and empathy – not just access to information. The human understanding and empathy are qualities AI simply cannot replicate.

A family solicitor provides personalised advice, based on the individual circumstances, practical support and the benefit of dealing with this area of law every day, all within a confidential and regulated framework.

If you are navigating a divorce or family law issues, whilst AI can be useful to gather information, it should not solely be relied on.

Seeking tailored guidance can help protect your position and ensure you are navigating the process in the appropriate way.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Powerful Partnerships: Jones Myers and The Divorce Magazine

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Jones Myers niche family law firm was among The Divorce Magazine’s first collaborators when it launched in January 2013 – and is delighted to remain a key partner in the publisher’s dynamic journey.

Offering a valuable resource comprising legal, financial and emotional support on divorce from established and respected family law experts chimes with Jones Myers ethos to enhance understanding of family law – and the options, guidance and support available to those in need.

As a practice achieving top rankings in esteemed legal guides for over three decades, TDM’s platform enables us to share our extensive expertise.

For example, many separating couples believe that going to court – which can be expensive, drawn out, and stressful – is the only way forward. Our articles explain how alternatives, such as mediation and collaborative family practice, are conducted in a spirit of cooperation with the aim of resolving matters without the need for court proceedings.

At the forefront of complex areas of children law, including international child abduction, we share insights on how concerned parents can spot warning signs along with advice on other key issues including child arrangement orders, co-parenting, alienating behaviours and grandparents rights.

Understanding only too well how the financial aspects of divorce can be bewildering to those who have not managed practicalities such as tax and direct debits during their relationship, we focus on pertinent areas such as common financial mistakes and related topics like pensions and financial settlements.

Social Media Benefits

Great partnerships always aim to be reciprocal, and additional benefits of this collaboration see TDM and Jones Myers raise awareness of content across our respective social media channels, reaching thousands of followers across LinkedIn and Twitter. I have also been involved in a  podcast with a panel which was well received.

Client Feedback  

Joining Jones Myers as a partner in 2019, I am delighted with feedback from clients and partners on our articles which have been read by almost 88,400 readers in the last three years alone. The need for, and interest in, TDM’s offering looks set to further increase following its  22% readership expansion from 99,000 to 183,000 across 2024-2025.

We have always enjoyed working with Amey and the upbeat team at TDM who are receptive to ideas and pro-actively invite contributors to share their knowledge, experience, and perspectives in the monthly TDM Contributor Update.

TDM’s continued success is well deserved and Jones Myers looks forward to sustaining our long lasting and mutually beneficial partnership with its team.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

With over three decades of experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled Mediator, Child Inclusive Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer, Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk

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When Your Kids Bring Up The Divorce Years Later

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

My son was seven when I separated from his dad. He’s eighteen now.

Yesterday, we met for coffee and a catch-up. We haven’t caught up for a few weeks — he’s busy studying engineering at uni, working with kids in an after-school programme, and staying committed to his gym routine.

It breaks my heart a little, but this is what happens as our kids grow up. They start building lives of their own, as they should.

We get on really well. We laugh a lot. I’ve noticed he’s opening up more these days, especially about what his friends are going through as they start to face the reality of becoming young men.

I like this glimpse into his world. It gives me a chance to listen, and sometimes offer a little wisdom if it feels right.

Somehow, we ended up talking about the divorce. We don’t usually, but recently he’s brought it up a few times.

We were sitting on the beach, not far from the little house I rented just after the split. He was seven. His sister was four.

We started remembering that house together. How small it was, but how cosy it felt. It had ocean views and sunlight pouring through the windows. It felt safe.

He said that when he thinks back to our divorce, he always thinks of that house. He remembered feeling sad, but not really knowing why. I told him I felt really sad too. It was a hard time for all of us.

Hearing him talk about it now, from his young adult self looking back, stirred something in me. It wasn’t the same sharp guilt I used to feel. That knife has dulled a bit. But there’s still something there that sits uncomfortably in my body.

He remembered seeing a child psychologist back then. He’d developed sleep anxiety after the separation, and my ex and I organised support for him. Six sessions helped. After that, he was able to stay in bed and settle more easily.

He couldn’t remember everything they talked about, but he said he just felt better after each session. One moment stood out. The psychologist had asked him, “What will happen if you don’t get to sleep?” And he’d answered, “I’ll be tired at school, and I won’t learn anything.”

Sitting there on the beach, he reflected, “I guess my brain just needed something to hook into. I didn’t realise it was actually worry about you guys splitting up.”

As he said it, I felt that familiar ache rising. But I stayed with him. I shared my memories too. I didn’t brush it away. It still hurts to look back sometimes. That’s the reality of divorce when you have children. The grief doesn’t vanish. It gets quieter, but it lives inside you.

He told me he thought we’d had the best possible divorce. That he always felt loved and supported by both of us. That we did everything we could to stay connected as a family, even while things were changing.

I reminded him that back then, when he overcame his sleep struggles, I’d told him: You’re the one who got yourself through this. Not me. Not the psychologist. You did that. And now, that same strength can help carry you through other tough times you’ll face.

Divorce is sad. It affects everyone in the family. I’ve never pretended otherwise.

But the truth is, none of us can avoid sadness and grief in life. We all face loss at some point.

And while none of us would choose divorce, sometimes it chooses us.

It’s only when we come out the other side that we start to see the bigger picture. And even then, we still have moments of doubt. We wonder what if we’d tried harder. What if we’d done it differently?

But eventually, we come to trust that there was no other path. Even when it’s still murky.

That conversation with my son reminded me of this graphic I’ve shared on Instagram. It highlights beautifully to me how we don’t ‘get over’ our divorces and leave it all behind. We integrate the experience so that we can still experience love and happiness as we begin to heal.

That’s what this is. You don’t erase divorce grief. Especially when you share children and you keep parenting through all the stages that follow. There are always new milestones, new reflections, new chances to wonder what might’ve been.

As I dropped him back at his dad’s house, where he lives now that he’s in college, I felt that ache again. Not because anything was wrong. Just the quiet recognition that this grief wants to be felt sometimes.

It’s part of my story.

And knowing that, accepting that, is what helps me stay present when these moments come. It’s what allows me to sit with my kids when they need to revisit it, like my son did yesterday.

Not to fix.

Not to defend.

Just to sit beside him.

Even when it hurts.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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No Child Should Be a Case Number: When a Child’s Future Is Decided in a Courtroom in 40 Minutes

Published on
Kristyna Hawkett
Family Mediator and Founder
MinusOne Mediation

Every three months, more than 14,000 new disputes between parents about their children are brought into the court system in England and Wales, affecting over 20,000 children¹.

Let’s just stop and think about this. No child should be a case number. And yet, in practice, that is often what they become – part of a process designed to manage disputes, not childhoods. While the number of cases is unsettling, it is even more concerning that, inside the family court, a judge may have less than an hour – sometimes as little as 40 minutes – to move a case forward.

Forty minutes.

That’s less time than most families spend deciding where to go on holiday. Less time than a single school lesson. Less time than it takes to watch an episode of a television drama that, ironically, often portrays the very system parents find themselves in. And yet, some people continue to treat the court process as the default route for resolving parenting disputes.

Private law children’s cases are rising steadily. Behind each application is not just a legal issue, but a family in distress, often already struggling to communicate, regulate emotions, or make decisions together. And very often, it’s not as complicated as it first appears. It’s two parents stuck in conflict – hurt, frustrated, and often angry, reacting to each other, rather than stepping back and thinking clearly about what their child actually needs.

Of course, there will always be cases where court involvement is necessary, and where there are safeguarding concerns or risks that require clear legal intervention.

But for many families, that is not the starting point. Parents don’t enter the system thinking they are doing anything wrong. Most come in believing they are protecting their child or doing what they believe is right.

Frustration, hurt and anger can begin to shape how parents speak to, and about, each other. Over time, this can influence how a child experiences both parents. And this is where things become more complex because in the middle of conflict, perspective tends to shift. What may begin as two parents trying to do what they believe is best for their child can, over time, move further away from the child’s needs and deeper into conflict.

A court order can decide where a child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and how decisions are made. But it doesn’t teach people how to parent together. It doesn’t help when a teenager suddenly refuses contact. It doesn’t ease the tension. It doesn’t prepare parents for the everyday realities of birthdays, new partners, changing routines, or a child trying to adjust between two homes.

At best, a court order gives structure. But real life doesn’t follow a timetable. And still, many parents come away believing that once the order is in place, things will fall into place too. Often, they don’t.

One of the biggest misunderstandings in family disputes is the idea that someone has to be right. But parenting after separation isn’t about winning. It’s about adjusting. Children don’t benefit when parents become fixed in their positions. They benefit when parents can stay flexible and keep talking, even when things are difficult.

But going through a court process together doesn’t always support that. In many cases, it can make it harder for parents to work together afterwards. This is where the system often falls short. Because while the legal process focuses on evidence, statements, and outcomes, children need something different: stability, understanding, and the sense that both parents can still work together, even if they’re no longer together.

For many parents, the legal process itself becomes an additional barrier. Legal terminology, let’s call it “legalese”, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and inaccessible for those without a legal background. Parents are expected to navigate complex procedures, interpret formal documents, and make important decisions, often without fully understanding the implications, at a time when they may already be struggling themselves. Parents are asked to make long-term decisions while everything still feels uncertain.

When parents have the right support around them, they are better able to think clearly, communicate more effectively, and make decisions that their children can actually live with. The end of a relationship is not the end of a family. It is a restructuring. And that restructuring doesn’t stop once the paperwork is signed or the order is made. In many ways, that’s when the real work begins.

Co-parenting is not a static arrangement – it evolves over time as children grow, circumstances change, and new challenges arise. Yet ongoing support for families after separation is often minimal. We prepare people for the legal process. We rarely prepare them for what comes after.

If the goal is truly to prioritise children, then we need to rethink how we approach family disputes. We need to move away from the idea that resolution is something imposed from the outside, and towards approaches that empower parents to create sustainable, workable solutions themselves. This is not about limiting options for families, but about expanding them.

It’s about recognising that while courts have an essential role, they are not designed to meet the full spectrum of needs that separating families experience. And perhaps most importantly, it’s about acknowledging that children should be spared unnecessary conflict wherever possible.

The reality is clear. The system is under pressure, and families are left to navigate a process that was never designed to support them holistically. But there is another way. One that looks at how families can resolve disputes without going through the court process and instead focuses on supporting parents to make decisions together in a way that works for their children. One that recognises that the long-term wellbeing of children depends not on court orders, but on the quality of the relationships around them. Because in the end, the question isn’t whether the court can make a decision. It’s whether that decision will truly help a family move forward. And in many cases, the answer may be more uncomfortable than we expect.

So where in the process are parents shown how to actually make it work afterwards?

 

  1. Ministry of Justice,Family Court Statistics Quarterly, January–March 2025 and July–September 2025.
    Cafcass, Management Information and Demand Data (2025).

 

About Kristyna Hawkett

Kristyna Hawkett is a family mediator and founder of MinusOne Mediation. She works with separating parents to reduce conflict and support more constructive, child-focused ways of moving forward. She helps parents navigate both the divorce process and what comes after, when day to day co-parenting becomes the real challenge.

Email Kristyna Hawkett: kristyna@minusonemediation.com

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‘I’m Keeping the Kids!’ – What to Do If Your Ex Won’t Return the Children After They Have Spent Time With Them

Published on
Francesca Dooley
Trainee Legal Executive (Associate Member)
Family team, Birketts LLP

Worried because your ex hasn’t returned the children after they have spent time/lived with them? Francesca Dooley, Trainee Legal Executive in the family team at Birketts LLP, explains your legal options, when to call the police, and how a family solicitor can help.

When a co‑parent refuses to return the children after an agreed period of spending time/lived with, it can be frightening, stressful and emotionally overwhelming. Many parents are unsure what their rights are, or what practical steps they can take in the moment. This guide explains the legal position, what you should do straightaway, and the options available to help you restore normal arrangements as safely and quickly as possible.

Is it against the law if my ex doesn’t return our children?

In England and Wales, the law treats this situation differently depending on whether there are existing court orders:

  • Where there is a Child Arrangements Order in place
    If a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) is in place setting out the time the children live with/spend time with each parent and the other parent does not adhere to this then they are in breach of the court order. This is a serious matter, and the court can enforce the order. However a parent can admit to breaching an order if they say they have a reasonable excuse for example that there is a safeguarding reason not to return the children to the care of the other parent.
  • Where there is no court order
    If no CAO exists, the police are limited in what they can do unless there is an immediate safeguarding concern. Both parents typically have parental responsibility, which means each parent has the right to have the children with them unless a court order says otherwise. A parent can’t ‘kidnap’ their own child/ren. The police may do a welfare check, but generally are not keen to get involved.

However, refusing to return the children can amount to child abduction if one parent removes the children without consent and without a reasonable excuse from the jurisdiction of England and Wales.

Step 1: Try to Make Contact and Stay Calm

Although emotions run high, your first step should be to:

  • Attempt contact with the other parent by phone, text or email
  • Ask for a clear explanation of the delay
  • Keep records of all communication

Often, misunderstandings can be resolved without escalation, but documenting everything is important if the matter goes further.

Step 2: Consider Contacting the Police

The police can intervene in some circumstances, such as:

  • Where a Child Arrangements Order states the child/ren are to be in your care
  • Where there is a risk of harm/safeguarding reasons
  • Where a parent threatens to take the children out of the jurisdiction
  • Where the children have been taken by someone without parental responsibility

Police may use their powers under the Child Abduction Act 1984, but they will generally try to encourage the other parent to comply voluntarily.

If there is no immediate risk, the police are likely to advise you to seek legal advice/a Family Court remedy.

Step 3: Seek Legal Advice Quickly

A family law solicitor can advise on:

  • Applying for a Child Arrangements Order (if none exists)
  • Enforcement of an existing CAO
  • Prohibited Steps Orders, preventing removal of the child
  • Specific Issue Orders, addressing particular disputes
  • Emergency remedies where the child’s welfare is at risk

Early legal advice is key to preventing the situation from escalating.

It is important to protect a child from conflict and any communications with the other parent should set out the child’s experience of this conduct, and the impact that they were no doubt expecting to come back to the care of the other parent. Further that there should not be conflict at school (parents jostling to collect a child/ren), nor should a child be kept out of school.

Step 4: Apply to the Family Court (Urgently If Necessary)

If your ex continues to refuse to return the children or there is a safeguarding concern, you may need to apply to court.

Emergency Applications

You can apply without giving notice to the other parent if:

  • You believe the children are at immediate risk
  • The other parent has threatened to take them abroad
  • There is a history of non-return

The court can make urgent interim orders for the return of the children. They are generally very reluctant to do hearings without notice to the other parent. They will list at short notice instead. There are special provisions in the law relating to fear that a child may be taken out of the country to have female circumcision for example.

 Enforcement Applications

Where a CAO has been breached, the court can order:

  • Warning notices
  • Unpaid work requirements
  • Compensation for financial loss
  • Varying the existing arrangement, including changing where the child lives in serious cases

The court’s focus will always be on the child’s welfare, not punishing parents but repeated non-compliance is taken seriously. However as set out above a parent will be asked if they had a ‘reasonable excuse’

The family court is reluctant to make punitive orders, including for costs as the general rule is no costs are awarded in children proceedings.

Step 5: Consider Mediation (If Safe to Do So)

If there is no immediate risk and communication is still possible, mediation can help resolve:

  • Return arrangements
  • Future contact schedules
  • Handover arrangements
  • Holiday contact and communication

Mediation is voluntary but often quicker and less stressful than court.

How to Protect Yourself Against Future Problems

You can help prevent future issues by:

  • Having a clear, written agreement
  • Using shared parenting apps to record communication
  • Requesting a Child Arrangements Order to formalise living and spending time with arrangements
  • Seeking a Prohibited Steps Order if you fear the children might be taken elsewhere

A structured plan reduces the chance of disputes and provides clarity for both parents.

When to Seek Help Immediately

Contact a family solicitor or the police urgently if:

  • Your ex refuses to disclose your children’s location
  • You suspect they may be taken abroad
  • There is domestic abuse
  • The children are at risk of harm

You do not have to navigate this situation alone.

How Our Firm Can Help

We can support you with:

  • Emergency court applications
  • Enforcement of existing orders
  • Drafting clear and robust contact arrangements
  • Advice tailored to your family’s situation
  • Representing you in negotiations or court proceedings

Our priority is to protect your children’s welfare and help you restore stability as quickly as possible.

About Francesca Dooley

Francesca is a Graduate Member of the Chartered Institute of Legal Executives (MCILEX) and joined Birketts as a Trainee Legal Executive in May 2023. She works within the Family Team in the Ipswich office.

Since July 2024, Francesca works closely with Katie Beaven, Juliet Harvey and Ivana Radovic assisting them in providing divorce advice, financial remedies, separation advice/deeds, dissolution of civil partnerships, children arrangements, prenuptial agreements and post-nuptial agreements.

Francesca also deals with surrogacy, private adoption matters, declarations of parentage, as well as platonic co-parenting arrangements.

Francesca was previously working in Birketts’ Property Litigation Team, assisting individuals with high value and complex property disputes. This experience has refined Francesca’s ability to assist clients in resolving their disputes, whether through court or via Alternative Dispute Resolution, and be a source of support when emotions are running high.

Francesca is currently studying with CILEX Law School to qualify as a CILEX Lawyer. Francesca has completed both the Foundation Stage and the Advanced Stage and is now in her final year studying the Professional Stage. Prior to joining Birketts, Francesca has gained over 12 years’ experience working as a Paralegal and assistant in areas including Mental Health Law and Dispute Resolution.

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Supporting Your Child Through Divorce: The Role of Play Therapy

Published on
Shelley Coleman
Shelley Coleman
Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist
Regional Liaison -The Texas Association of Play Therapy

“This is a war. The farm animals are fighting the ocean animals.” says my 7 year old client as she creates an elaborate battle scene in the sand tray. “The cat is in the middle” she further explains as she gingerly places the cat amidst the waring animals.

In my therapeutic playroom, the sand-tray allows for sharing in a protected space that a child may not otherwise have. As a Play Therapist, I have the privilege of working with children of various developmental stages who are experiencing parental separation or divorce. The play room allows for a child to freely express themselves through play. As children choose toys and play activities, they can share their world with the therapist.

In simple terms, play is the language of children. This concept is best explained by Landreth (2002) in Play therapy: The art of the relationship and is the basis for Play Therapy. It is through play that children make sense of the world itself. They explore relationships, solve problems, learn to regulate their emotions, and navigate transitions or challenges.

The benefits of Play Therapy are well researched and include the following…

  • Helps children better understand and express feelings
  • Reduces behaviour problems and improves coping skills
  • Helps to process loss and transitions
  • Improves caregiver-child relationships
  • Improves adjustment outcomes

For families experiencing a transition like divorce, play therapy can be a resource for both the child and the caregivers. Even in the most amicable divorces, I see children feeling confused or in the “middle” between households. At times, a child may feel out of control and need to assert their control in the play room by directing the play or directing the therapist. Or, a child may need a therapeutic space to make sense of their changing household.

In the event of parental separation or divorce, the play therapist is not only a support to the child, but to the caregivers as well. In fact, play therapy can improve communication between parents and children around difficult events like divorce (Hirschfeld & Wittenborn, 2016). And, some specialised forms of Play Therapy have been demonstrated to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship and positively impact children’s behaviour (Fernando et al., 2011).

In my own practice, I work with caregivers at varying stages of divorce including co-parenting post divorce and blending families. Though the child is the primary client, a Play Therapist provides valuable psychoeducation around developmentally appropriate ways parents can support their child. Specifically a Play Therapist can provide..

  • Education around making transitions between homes smooth
  • Education around behaviours that are or are not developmentally appropriate
  • Ways to improve parent child relationships
  • Ways to limit the child’s involvement in parental conflict

The benefits of play therapy for children experiencing a life transition like divorce are well researched. It is not uncommon for children to feel out of control, confused, or blame themselves for the divorce. Play therapy provides a way for a child to freely express these feelings and process them with the help of a trusted therapist. In addition, a Play Therapist can support the caregivers and provide valuable resources during a time of transition.

Resources for this article

Book citation (APA):

Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. Brunner-Routledge.

Bratton, S. C., Ray, D., Rhine, T., & Jones, L. (2005). The efficacy of play therapy with children: A meta-analytic review of treatment outcomes.
Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(4), 376–390.

Hirschfeld, M. R., & Wittenborn, A. K. (2016). Emotionally Focused Family Therapy and Play Therapy for Young Children Whose Parents Are Divorced.

Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 57(2), 133–150. 

Fernando, D., Jayne, K., Lindo, N., Purswell, K., & Dillman Taylor, D. (2011). The Impact of Child Parent Relationship Therapy on Child Behavior and Parent-Child Relationships: An Examination of Parental Divorce.
International Journal of Play Therapy, 20(3), 124–137.

About Shelley Coleman

Shelley Coleman is a Licensed Professional Counsellor and Supervisor (LPC-S) as well as a Registered Play Therapist and Supervisor (RPT-S). She has 18 years of clinical experience, 10 years of business management experience, and 23 years of parenting experience. Shelley’s private practice serves children, adolescents and families. She provides parent education, play therapy, child and adolescent therapy, and family therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Play Therapy, TF-CBT, New Ways for Families, and PCIT. Shelley was the 2022-2023 President of the Hill Country Chapter of the Texas Association of Play Therapists and currently serves as Regional Liaison to the Texas Association of Play Therapists.

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Designed to Fail: How the Family Court Silences Grieving Parents

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

A Legacy of Quiet Rage

When I was growing up, my mother spent years going in and out of family court with my antagonistic father. There were statements, court orders, applications, and a trial, but never once did anyone ask how it felt when my mother didn’t speak to her daughter for more than a decade. No one questioned the financial cost or the mental and emotional toll it took on her. No judge questioned what that estrangement meant to our family. No professional named it for what it was: a profound loss.

We didn’t have the language then; I certainly didn’t. But I remember the look in my grandmother’s eyes when she talked about my father, a quiet rage mixed with helplessness and grief. She couldn’t name it either, but she knew something sacred had been broken. The system didn’t care. It was focused on compliance and paperwork, not emotional devastation.

New Seat, Same Broken System

Now, years later, I find myself facing the same system, but from a different seat. I have been without child maintenance for years. When I finally went before a judge, he looked at me and stated, “Why am I here? Why are we here?”

I was stunned. Isn’t it obvious? He is not supporting his children. Isn’t that what the system is meant to enforce? Aren’t we supposed to be putting children first?

Apparently not. After seven years of him failing to pay any support, he finally settled to give me the bare minimum for only three years. Case closed. He got away with it.

I was chasing support through a system that feels less like a safeguard and more like an obstacle. It is a system that fails to recognise the reality that grief is real, not an irrelevance.

This isn’t just about divorce. It’s about the grief no one acknowledges in family court—the emotional toll of being dismissed, delayed, and denied. I know now what my grandmother must have felt: the rage that comes from watching something unjust happen in slow motion, and being told to stay quiet about it. There’s a staggering amount of grief in these situations, but no space for it. No permission to feel it. No acknowledgment from the legal system that it even exists.

Family Court Isn’t Built for Emotional Reality

The system is designed to process cases, not emotions. Family court focuses on:

  • Evidence, not lived experience
  • Timelines, not trauma
  • Strategy, not sorrow

Judges and lawyers are trained to stay detached and to keep the list moving. And while that may serve efficiency, it fails people who are in the middle of deep emotional upheaval. Grief is often treated as irrelevant, or worse, as a sign of instability. The divorce system centres power, not pain.

Once a separation begins, everything shifts toward legal positioning. The conversation becomes about custody arrangements, court filings, and parenting schedules. There’s no room to talk about the mother whose child won’t call her “Mum” anymore. Or the woman who panics every time her phone lights up with a text from her ex. Or the financial struggle that is incredibly real for so many. These aren’t “legal matters”; they’re heartbreaks. But no one in the courtroom is asking about those.

Grief After Abuse is Complicated and Long-Lasting

When divorce involves emotional abuse, coercive control, or post-separation abuse, the grief doesn’t just resolve after the papers are signed. It lingers. It morphs. And it’s often misunderstood, even by professionals. Some therapists, unless they specialise in this area, may minimise or mislabel it. Others try to fix it with surface-level advice, not understanding the depth of the injury. Women are told:

  • “You should be over it by now.”
  • “At least you’re divorced.”
  • “Don’t be high-conflict” (an assumption that both parties are responsible for the friction).

As a result, many women bury their grief. They keep going. They survive. But they do not heal, not really. Their grief becomes frozen, tucked away because there’s simply no space to process it when you’re constantly in defence mode.

Mothers are Punished for Being Emotional

This is perhaps the most damaging message of all: that to show pain is to look unstable. That expressing grief makes you “bitter” or “vindictive.” So women learn to stay silent. To avoid being labelled. To suppress what is real and raw, because they fear it will be used against them.

But the truth is, these women aren’t unstable. They’re grieving. They’re grieving the loss of time with their children, the collapse of a dream, the betrayal of someone they once trusted, and the failure of a system they hoped would protect them. They are grieving the way they have to prove they’re a good mother over and over again. They’re grieving the legal bills that drain their future, the fear every time an unfamiliar number appears on their phone, and the gut-punch of hearing their child repeat an ex’s words as their own. They are grieving the failed justice system, my mother and me included.

What’s Missing? Grief Literacy

We talk a lot in divorce circles about trauma, self-care, co-parenting, and legal strategy. But we don’t talk enough about grief. About how layered and valid it is. About how long it lasts. About how it often goes unnamed for years because survival comes first.

We need to make room for grief in the divorce conversation. Not as a sign of dysfunction, but as a natural and necessary part of this process. When someone finally says, “This is grief,” it can be a turning point. When someone tells you, “You’re not broken, you’re grieving,” it allows healing to begin.

If this resonates with you, know that your pain is real. Your heartbreak matters. And you don’t have to carry it alone, or in silence anymore. Until we make space for grief in family court, we’re not just failing parents, we’re failing children, too.

The Cost of Silence

The failure of the family court system isn’t just emotional, it’s economic. When a judge dismisses a request for support, they aren’t just ignoring a legal obligation; they are ignoring the survival of a family.

When the system refuses to see our grief, it inevitably refuses to see our financial reality, too. If you are struggling with the weight of “financial survival mode” or the shame of a changing lifestyle, you might find peace in my deep dive into the secondary losses of divorce.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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When “We” Becomes “Me”: Finding Yourself Again After Divorce

Published on
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder of Anchoring Therapy

The hardest part of my divorce wasn’t leaving.

It was the six years before that, the years spent trying to keep a family together while quietly knowing something had already broken.

Divorce rarely begins the day you separate. More often, it begins long before anyone else can see it.

For me, the beginning of the end came with betrayal.

My husband had an affair with our au-pair. Like many people in that situation, I stayed. Not because I thought it was acceptable, but because life was complicated and there were children involved. I told myself that families work through things. I told myself that stability mattered more than anything else.

So I carried on.

I kept the house running, the routines intact, the birthday parties sorted, and the school uniforms washed. If you had looked at our family from the outside, you might have thought everything was perfectly normal.

Inside, though, something had shifted.

I stayed for another six years.

In an unexpected twist, the au-pair later married my husband’s brother. You might think that would have closed the chapter, but life rarely ties things up so neatly. Eventually, the affair resurfaced again, and that was the moment I knew the marriage had reached its full stop.

Not a comma.

A full stop.

But leaving the marriage was only the beginning of a much longer emotional journey.

The Hidden Work of Divorce

One of the hardest parts of divorce isn’t the legal process, the paperwork, or even the separation itself.

It’s the emotional labour of continuing to function.

Many parents know this feeling well: you are breaking inside, but the school run still has to happen. Packed lunches still need making. Homework still needs supervising. Life carries on for the children, even when everything feels uncertain for you.

I remember one evening after a tough day, sitting with my daughters on their bedroom floor, folding laundry. I could tell they sensed something was wrong, so I made space for them to talk. We shared stories about our day, and I reassured them that even though things were changing, they were loved and safe, and none of it was their fault. Sometimes, it was just listening to their worries before bed or holding them a little longer on these nights. These small moments reminded me how important it was to offer stability in little ways, even when I felt unsteady myself.

So you put the mask on.

You keep things steady for them while quietly navigating your own grief, confusion, anger, and fear. From the outside, it may look like resilience, but often it is simply survival.

The strange thing about survival is that while you are busy holding everything together for everyone else, you slowly discover you are stronger than you ever realised.

And that is often where the rebuilding quietly begins.

The People Who Hold You Up

During my divorce, one person kept turning up.

A good friend would pop in regularly, checking in, offering conversation, and often cooking dinner for the children and me when life felt overwhelming. At the time, I saw it purely as friendship. He was simply someone kind who showed up when things were difficult.

Then one day, he stopped visiting for a while.

After a couple of months, the children began asking a very practical question:

“Why isn’t he cooking for us anymore?”

It was such a simple observation, but it made me pause. Somewhere along the way, this quiet support had become part of our lives without me even noticing.

It wasn’t until another friend laughed and said, “You do realise he wants to take you out?” that, started me to see things differently.

By then, I had already made a decision: I would never let another man into my life again. Divorce can do that. It can make you build walls where doors once were.

But life has a way of surprising us.

The friend who kept quietly showing up eventually became much more than that. The man I once saw as just support later became my husband. At a time when I thought I would never trust another relationship again, I found that sometimes the people who stand by you in your hardest moments are the ones who truly see you. But opening my heart again wasn’t instant or easy. It took time and patience to realise my fears were slowly softening, and that the kindness and consistency I felt with him helped me believe love could feel safe again. What told me I was ready wasn’t the absence of doubt, but a growing sense of peace when he was around, and the understanding that being loved didn’t mean losing myself. I could be myself! Trust rebuilt itself quietly, one small step at a time.

You can always make a U-turn on any path.

The Long Road of Family Relationships

Another long road was the relationship between my children and their father.

For nearly ten years, he did not see them. It would have been easy to close that door completely, but I believed that, where possible, children benefit from knowing where they come from. So I continued encouraging contact. That did not mean forcing a relationship or exposing the children to disappointment, but rather, leaving the door open with gentle reminders and invitations. Sometimes that meant sending photos or updates on milestones; other times, it was simply reassuring the girls that they could ask questions or reach out when they felt ready. Respecting their boundaries was crucial, as was protecting them from feeling rejected when efforts were not reciprocated. Over the years, I learned that the healthiest co-parenting did not mean constant contact or pretending everything was normal, but instead finding small ways to support curiosity, honesty, and gradual reconnection when both sides were willing. My advice is to trust your instincts, maintain clear boundaries, and focus on what feels safest for your children, even if the path unfolds slowly.

Over time, they slowly rebuilt a relationship with him. It may not look like the traditional father–daughter bond people imagine, but it exists, and that matters.

Divorce often reshapes families in ways we never expected. Relationships can become complicated, uneven, and sometimes fragile. But with patience and persistence, new versions of those relationships can sometimes grow.

What Divorce Taught Me

Looking back now, I can see that divorce didn’t simply end a relationship; it reshaped my identity.

When you’ve been part of a couple for many years, it’s easy to forget the parts of yourself that existed before the relationship. Divorce, though painful, can sometimes help you rediscover those forgotten parts.

For me, it meant returning to university as a mature student. What began almost like picking up an old hobby, something I had once been interested in but had quietly set aside during married life, gradually became something much more meaningful.

As I studied and reflected on my own experiences, I realised I wanted to help others navigate the same difficult terrain.

Divorce can feel like the end of everything you thought your life would be. But sometimes it also opens space for something unexpected: a chance to rediscover who you are and what really matters to you.

That journey eventually inspired me to write about identity during divorce, moving through and coming out the other side.

Although divorce may mark the end of “we”, it can also be the beginning of something equally important:

A return to yourself.

Divorce can feel like being thrown into rough water, leaving you disoriented, exhausted, and unsure where the shore is.

But eventually the waves begin to settle.

And when they do, you may realise that the strength you needed was there all along, quietly anchoring you until the tide turned.

And perhaps the quietest success of all is this: despite everything, my children grew up knowing they were loved, protected, and never responsible for the storm around them.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work” and  Counselling Directory “Divorce and the loss of identity”

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If you need emergency mental health support, here are some sources of help:

See your GP, visit A&E or call NHS Direct on 111

Call Samaritans on 116 123 for confidential, non-judgemental emotional support (not just suicide)

Ring the NHS Crisis line (24 hours a day on 0800 0516 171) to get in touch with your local crisis service

Text SHOUT to 85258 for free 24/7 mental health support

When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the
Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce : Buy your copy on Amazon

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Do You Have to Use AI in Your UK Divorce?

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

UK solicitors, including those in family law firms, are using diverse AI tools in 2026. If you hire a solicitor, they’ll likely make some use of AI in your case. Exactly what use may be appropriate will vary depending on your situation. If you’re representing yourself, then it’s up to you what technology you use to organise your information and present your case to the court.

If you have legal representation

Family law involves the physical and emotional safety and overall well-being of adults and children. The tools that today we call “AI” can’t replace human sensitivity and expertise in this area. Legal experts do, however, use AI to enhance their research process and their judgments.

Many law firms use specialised AI systems that train on legal documents. These systems are called Retrieval Augmented Generation (RAG) because they retrieve specialised data to generate text. These systems are more accurate and effective than generic chatbots that train on whatever text they can scrape or are fed. RAG minimises what are called “hallucinations,” that is, words that do not correspond to reality.

Some AI tools are designed to give risk assessments — for example, about possible threats to a child’s well-being. These tools can be biased, insofar as there can be bias in data they reference or in how they are coded. Other tools are designed to help adults negotiate a financial compromise by predicting what they’ll settle for. This can speed up mediation or arbitration in family law.

A September 2024 survey conducted for Clio, a legal technology company, found that nearly all UK law firms were using AI in some way. Drafting documents was one of the most common uses. Most solicitors who were surveyed said they felt their use of AI did not make them more productive, improve their work quality, reduce their stress, or even save them time. They may have meant that they used it often and it wasn’t helpful, or that it was helpful but they didn’t yet use it often. Most reported that their firms intended to increase their use of AI.

One reason law firms use AI is that they know other firms are using it. The availability of AI resets expectations for what kind of legal representation is adequate. A solicitor is professionally obligated to represent their client competently; therefore, they may use AI especially if they believe it could help their client win or lower their client’s legal bills.

There is even an AI-only law firm, Garfield AI, the first of its kind in the UK. However, it doesn’t practice family law. It generates letters to recover small debts. If you seek help from a family law firm, there will be a human involved in the process.

 

If you’re handling your court case on your own

Simply because “you don’t know what you don’t know,” try to at least consult with a legal expert if at all possible. They can let you know if they anticipate you might need to pay attention to a certain topic or if you might encounter something complex. If you can’t afford the help you need, see if you qualify for legal aid. Be aware that a designated assistant called a McKenzie friend can come to court with you.

Divorces and cases for child arrangements are stressful. Reading and writing can be part of that stress, and sometimes people look for ways to smooth the path. A basic AI program can help you summarise a stack of documents, draft a letter, change your text to make it sound formal for court or simple enough for a child to understand, or translate between English and another language.

Even so, don’t rely on AI to do all your research and communication for you. Remember that AI can overlook important information, suggest wording that’s false or otherwise inadvisable for you to say, and miss the nuance of what others have said. There are many reasons not to make a parenting plan with AI — for example, you’d be better off using a template that has a history of being accepted in court. And you’ll want to make your own schedule carefully so you know exactly what parental responsibilities you’re promising, down to the hour.

Don’t ask a mainstream AI platform like ChatGPT for legal advice. Though it may be able to generally describe the law where you live, it could leave you with inaccurate impressions, as it has likely trained on information about the United States and other countries. Secondly, no AI program begins with any unique facts about your case, like the real reason you broke up with your ex or what homework help your child needs. Before it could even begin to summarise your situation, you’d have to provide a lot of private information, which you might not feel comfortable providing to an AI company. And even with that information, a basic AI text generator might not be able to help you protect yourself or strategise.

 

Choose how to organise and present your own information

You and your children deserve to put your best foot forward and make your strongest possible case in court. A solicitor, if you hire one, will have ideas about how to do this, and they’ll likely use AI in some way. If you’re representing yourself, you can make your own choices about how you’ll comply with court requirements.

Everyone who goes to court can use technology to stay organised. You’ll likely want to record your living expenses, save your text messages with your ex, and format a professional-looking document. There’s software for this, like Custody X Change and other co-parenting apps, that doesn’t involve “AI.”

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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