Custody X Change - Page 4

This is undoubtedly a formative period in the development of children and young people returning to the classroom for the first time in over five months.

However the school environment and routine that was reassuring and familiar to them earlier this year has changed dramatically as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic.

New measures implemented to help safeguard their well being include one way systems, different playground rules and staggering starting and finishing times.

Secondary pupils in local lockdown areas will also have to wear face coverings in school corridors. 

While looking forward to being reunited with their friends, children will understandably feel anxious about the new rules, particularly those who are old enough to have seen and read about the mixed reactions to schools reopening.

It is therefore vital that their parents – particularly those who are divorced or separated – do their utmost to help ensure a smooth transition.

This can be achieved by working together in a spirit of mutual cooperation to communicate even more closely with their sons and daughters and find out how they think and feel about the myriad of changes they face.

Talking to them and reassuring them why the measures are needed will help to ease apprehensions and anxieties they may be experiencing.

Making sure children stick to a routine outside of school with set times for eating, bedtime and pastimes has also taking on an unprecedented importance.

Creating a stable environment where the best interests of children and young people are the overriding priority requires establishing and sustaining a workable solution.

Above all in these turbulent times estranged parents can remind their children that they both love them very much and are here for them in the days, months and years ahead.

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About Kate Banerjee

Kate heads Jones Myers renowned Children’s Department. She is highly experienced in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

Kate has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She also has “Higher Court Rights”.

www.jonesmyers.co.uk

With schools now closed across the whole of the UK, Jones Myers niche family law firm is calling on divorced and separated parents to work together for the best interests of their children in these extraordinary times.

We understand and empathise with the practical and emotional challenges facing everyone as the coronavirus crisis continues and advice about social isolation measures is stepped up.

It is especially important for divorced and separated parents to collaborate for the best interests of their children who will also understandably feel nervous and apprehensive.

The severe situation may present particular challenges with children’s routines due to school closures, the nature of their parents’ work – or if a parent or child have been diagnosed with the virus and need to self-isolate.

Parents are also aware that grandparents, who have historically played a major role in childcare, are in the virus’s highest risk category.

We’ re receiving calls from concerned parents about their children’s welfare and advising they keep updated with the developments from official authorities such as schools and health care professionals.

We also offer the following practical advice to estranged parents:

• • Stay calm and collected, put aside your differences and agree a plan of action which ensures your children’s health, wellbeing and interests come first

• • Be flexible and open minded about changes in parenting time and work together to find a workable solution

• • In particular, agree a plan of action if one of you or the children are required to self-isolate. This includes keeping in touch by FaceTime, texts or post cards

• • In the above cases, agree on what you will tell your children and explain and keep them up to date on how the other parent is affected.

• • Continue to tell your children that you both love them very much and keep explaining why their routine may have to change

• • Listen to them and try to avoid passing your anxieties onto them – children are highly sensitive and will become more unsettled if they pick up their parents’ concerns.

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Working together in a mutual spirit of cooperation and collaboration is crucial to ensure the needs and sensitivities of children remain a priority throughout – and beyond – these extraordinary circumstances.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate is highly experienced in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

Kate has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She also has “Higher Court Rights”. www.jonesmyers.co.uk

As part of a recently launched campaign, Helping Kids Cope with Divorce, we interviewed three prominent parenting experts about their advice for divorcing parents, exploring the best way to break the news to your children about your separation, what can you do to proactively reduce your kids’ worries about the future, and how to protect them from suffering long-term psychological damage.

In 2019, divorce is sadly a common reality for many families. But despite how usual it’s become, it’s often a messy and confusing process which take a tremendous toll on everyone involved – particularly the children of a marriage.

The ordeal of the divorce process can impact significantly on young people’s mental health and leave lasting emotional scars.

So how can parents manage the process in a way that doesn’t make them think their world is about to collapse?

Breaking the news

Noël Janis-Norton, from Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, recommends that parents sit together when it happens. Depending on the age and stage of your children, it may be worth telling each child separately to adapt the message to their levels of understanding. She says:

“Tell them: ‘We’ve got some sad news for you. We’ve been arguing a lot, and our home has not been a happy place – there are too many differences between Mummy and Daddy. We have decided to live in different homes to see if then we can be happier. You can still live with both of us.’ Keep reminding them that it is not their fault.”

“You can expect children to be upset, even if they do not show upset in the first place. Just acknowledge how scared or anxious they might be.”

Noël recommends that parents stay very polite and friendly with each other, even if there is underlying conflict. This will help the child feel more comfortable in these times of uncertainty and change.

Reassurance is key

Some of the concerns that your children might have about your divorce might not be things that you, as an adult, will have considered.

Young children might worry about seemingly small things, such as whether they will have toys at both parents’ houses, as well as larger things, including how much they’ll see both parents and other family members.

Teens might be wondering whether they’ll still be able to stay at the same school, whether they need to move house and whether there will be financial problems.

Parenting journalist and author, Liat Hughes Joshi, says: “Fundamentally, children don’t like uncertainty, and particularly at the beginning of the separation process there can be a lot of that. You might not know the answers to some of their concerns, such as whether you’ll need to move house, because you don’t know how the financial settlement is going to work out yet.”

She recommends: “Provide reassurance where you can but avoid false promises, as these could undermine their trust in you later on. Let them know you will do all you can to provide stability and contact with both parents. For the immediate, focus on the things that won’t change – particularly that both you and your ex love them.”

Constructive and Destructive Behaviours

Divorce can have lasting emotional effects on the children involved, but it isn’t a forgone conclusion.

According to Noël Janis-Norton, adverse outcomes of divorce come from high-conflict divorces, not from divorce in general. It is very important for parents to realise which practices are constructive, and which are destructive to the child’s wellbeing.

“As long as both parents and children learn how to resolve disagreement without conflict, children can come out of your divorce unscathed,” she says.

“Think of yourselves as a team in front of the children. Be positive about the other person. Praise the other person. Children must feel like they can love both parents – if not, they are likely to become depressed and distressed.”

If tensions are running particularly high, it’s important to try to limit your children’s exposure to this as much as you can.

“Try whenever possible to have difficult discussions and arguments with your ex out of earshot. Stick with communicating by email if you really have no other way of avoiding things turning into a slanging match”, recommends Hughes Joshi.

Janis-Norton adds: “Another important thing is to not let your children overhear you while you’re talking to another adult – such as a friend or family member – about anything that implies conflict, like child support payments for example.

Children are very sensitive to those things, but they don’t necessarily understand them yet, so they often jump to the wrong conclusions.”

The aftermath – building a new life post separation

Recreating a sense of familiarity post separation is vital, according to Christine Lewandowski from Single with Kids. “New traditions and routines can build a comfortable framework during this transition period, and spending quality time with the children is essential,” she says.

It’s also important for children to feel that both their parents’ places are their homes.

“If you have decided on dual custody, avoid language like ‘when you visit or see daddy’, as this implies that one home is more important than the other,” adds Noël Janis-Norton.

Recognise that it may take time for your children to adapt to their ‘new normal’.

Society tells us that the nuclear family is the ‘right way to live’, which can make kids of divorced parents wish that their parents would live in the same house again.

“Meeting up with families who are in a similar situation, however, suddenly makes it all seem more normal. It helps the kids accept that they’re still a family, just a different shaped one.”

Following a separation, your different parenting styles may become more obvious – and when emotions are running high between you and your ex, it’s tempting to want to be the ‘favourite parent’.

“It’s tempting to roll your eyes when your child tells you that Mummy let them stay up until 10pm to watch TV” says Janis-Norton.

“Instead of showing disapproval of the other parent, acknowledge that Mummy and Daddy disagree on that. Stay with the conclusion that Mummy and Daddy prefer to do some things differently.”

Remember to self-care

Going through divorce is often physically and emotionally draining.

For a period of time, it will take over your life completely – and at the same time, you have to remain strong for your children and keep up with day-to-day responsibilities.

Once the transition process is coming to a close and you and the kids can start to settle into a normal routine again, it’s very important to invest in yourself and to find your happiness again as a single parent.

“Kids are like emotional sponges,” says Lewandowski, “they soak up the emotions of the parent. If one parent is desperately unhappy, the child is hurt.”

As a parent, remember that your wellbeing is important too, and directly impacts the wellbeing of your child.

Contributors

Noël Janis-Norton is a learning and behaviour specialist, parenting author, speaker, coach, and the Director of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, working with families and schools.

She’s currently working on two new books about divorce and blended family structures: Calmer, Easier, Happier Separation and Divorce and Calmer, Easier, Happier Blended Families.

Liat Hughes Joshi is a parenting journalist and author of five books, including 5-Minute Parenting Fixes and Raising Children: The Primary Years.

Christine (Chrissie) Lewandowski is the Director of Single with Kids, an organisation that offers holidays for single parents, abroad and in the UK.

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About the Author – Daniel Weintroub

London divorce solicitor Daniel Weintroub was drawn to family law because of the complexity and variety of the cases.