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Almost Free Staycation Ideas for Single Parents

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One major effect of divorce is the decline in spending power.

Holidays in foreign lands may have become rarer as the purse strings are tightened which means that a day at London Zoo may feel like an evening at the Opera when you have to consider transport, lunch and entrance tickets.

But that doesn’t mean that an outing is out of the question and simply impossible.  There are actually plenty of things you can do in and around London that will cost you next to nothing or the price of a bus ticket.

Of course you will need lunch which you can always take from home along with some water – much cheaper than stopping on the way to buy sandwiches and fruit.

Well, here we go  – almost free staycation ideas for single parents:  most of them are about London as that’s where I live and know but I’m sure most major cities have similar opportunities.

  • House sit for a friend:  This can be fun even if it’s in your neighbourhood.  You know the old saying – a change is as good as a holiday.  I’ve tried it and loved it.  The positives were I knew where everything was in terms of shops and restaurants yet I really didn’t because they weren’t my usual hangouts but places I had driven past several times.  While in the house, discovering where the plates, spoons etc were made it feel like I was holidaying in some apartment somewhere else in the world.  I have to say that the fact that my friend’s apartment is simply gorgeous helped plenty!
  • Discover a new neighbourhood: If you live in a city as huge and spread out as London is, then I can bet you, no matter how long you’ve lived in here, there are areas that you have not been to.  Pick a borough or area, narrow it down to a particular neighbourhood and plan your journey from start to finish.  Go by bus if you can as this allows you to see much more as you travel.
  • Discover a new park or outdoor area:  There are 8 Royal Parks in London and ample more outdoor areas including
    Staycation Ideas for Single Parents www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
    Source – http://www.timeout.com/london/things-to-do/free-family-events-at-westminster-abbey

    commons, heaths and forests.  Pick one, heck, pick two, pack a lunch, walking shoes and go explore or just take your picnic rug and go sit and enjoy the view, people and various free events that are being held there.

  • Take a nice long walk along the closest river or body of water to you and enjoy a home prepared picnic while watching the ripples on the water and listening to others around you or just to the birds and nature.

So enjoying a staycation in your city doesn’t have to be long and boring or cost an arm and a leg.

Whatever you choose to do – enjoy to the fullest!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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4 Top Tips on Single Parent Holidays

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soila www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

When it comes to going on holiday as a single parent and for the first time, it may feel quite different, daunting and unfamiliar.

You may even find yourself looking over at other families and for a brief moment envying them for being “intact” and wanting “one of those.”  All very normal reactions.

I remember the first time I went on holiday with my girls, just us, no one else.  It was a self-catering holiday in Corsica.

It was fun, exciting but I did get extremely tired as all planning, looking after and decision making lay on my shoulders.  There was no one there to ask, “What do you think?”  or “Where shall we eat tonight?” That was hard.

But at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I could only smile and feel happy, glad and grateful that I managed to do this and that my girls were having a good time.  It was truly worth it.

Those were also the moments where I would ask, “would I want to go back “there” and be married to him?”  I would imagine if him with us right now and an uneasy feeling would immediately wash over me and I knew what the answer was.

I would acknowledge the challenges but be grateful for the opportunities of a new life that I alone can create and write.

If you’re going on holiday for the first time this year as a single parent here are some things you might want to keep in mind:

4 Top Tips on Single Parent Holidays:

  • If you want an easy life, choose an age appropriate destination that your children will love and enjoy. Don’t take a toddler to walk the beautiful ancient streets of Rome.  That’s asking for trouble. Water and child focused events and activities are all that matter to them.
  • Tips on Single Parent Holidays You will find it awkward not being with your ex-partner at times but that’s normal and that’s ok.  Remember that one time it was you, as a family, where the other people are around you are, but you were unhappy.  Would you want to go back there?  Not for anything I would assume.  Isn’t it funny how you notice other families on holiday much more now than when you were married?
  • Don’t feel guilty if you go to a hotel and drop your child at the holiday activities centre from 9 – 5.  If your child wants to go, let them.  Hurrah for you! They will have a blast and you can sit, breathe, swim and do what you want, all the while knowing that they are having a great time.  Enjoy.  When you come together at the end of the day, they will be able to share the most wonderful stories with you!
  • If you forget some important something or other at home, like your child’s favourite teddybear, it’s ok.  It may be hard at first but they will manage.  Don’t be too hard on yourself because you forgot his/her pyjamas but brought yours.  It’s fine.  It happens.  You had plenty to organise and think about, forgetting a couple of things is really not a big deal.

Single parent holidays can be fun if you keep your child’s age and interests in mind.  So enjoy, have fun and don’t feel too bad if at times you wish you had stayed at home and that you really don’t like your children and wonder, out loud, why you even bothered!

It’s normal, very normal because at the end of the day, we are only human!

Enjoy!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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family mediation

Create and Embrace your Parenting Plan!

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www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There are so many positives to co-parenting that I remain amazed at why people resist it so much that they would rather go to court and allow for a judge, a perfect stranger to the children, to decide where they will live, with whom and for how long.

Most parents are very, very capable of creating a parenting plan that’s just right for them and their little ones yet, they choose to be blinded by the anger and resentment that they feel towards their exes.  They choose to allow these emotions to rule over the lives and destinies of their children

To be fair, it’s not easy to tame those hugely negative emotions and thoughts long enough to allow for a parenting plan to be created and it’s contents put in motion but it’s not impossible and it’s crucial to do so.

Why Create and Embrace your Parenting Plan!

– A parenting plan means that you don’t have to go down the parenting route alone. There’s a reason why single parents long for “just 5 mins” to themselves. I love my girls dearly, but I still do long for “my” weekends and “my” holidays where I get time alone while they are with someone whom I know will give them the time of their lives because, whether I like it or not, he too loves them just as much as I do.

– Most things school are shared.  Whatever issues, concerns and trouble come up, you don’t have to deal with on your own.  Think of those huge school projects which your child can do with his other parent over the weekend.

parenting plan
Parenting plans allow you to have some precious time to yourself.

– Best of all, co-parenting ensures that I will never have to answer any questions about daddy.  They will grow up knowing him well.  A parenting plan that is created with the children in mind allows for everyone to be happy.

If you don’t want to come face to face with your ex, then arrange for the exchange and transition to happen at school.  You drop them off and he picks them up at the end of the day and vice versa.

Your divorce has happened.  You have children.  You both love them dearly and want to spend time with them.  Well, unless there’s an issue around safety then creating a parenting plan can allow for this to happen.

If your mission is to make is as hard as possible for your ex to see the children for no other reason other than the fact that you hate him/her then realise that you are not doing your children any favours.  Put yourself in their situation and for one minute try and imagine what they might be feeling or going through.

It may not be easy create that parenting agreement right now but it’s not impossible and can be massively, massively rewarding for all concerned, especially your little ones.

Make it easier on you and your children. Create that parenting plan and learn to embrace it, enjoy it and live it!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Stalked by my Ex-husband

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eyes-394176_640Marriages fail, but what happens when one partner is adamant that a marriage should go on?

How do you deal with an ex-partner who is unable to accept that the relationship is over?

 ”It’s that easy’’ he said in a threatening voice. ‘’To be here; Waiting for you.’’

‘’Mum’’ I shouted ’’call the police.’’

I had returned home from work that afternoon, picking my mum up along the way for safety, fearing that my estranged husband was going to cause of trouble. But I had never imagined that he would do this.

 Simon had bombarded me with threatening, angry calls and texts for most of the day and eventually I had switched my phone off and asked colleagues to tell him I was unavailable when he called my desk phone. I knew that this would make him angrier but I didn’t know what else to do.

Consequently I had been expecting him to be waiting for me somewhere, maybe near the river where I walked the dogs or outside the children’s nursery.

But inside the house; that had taken me completely by surprise and it scared me. I knew that I could no longer handle his behaviour alone. I needed to involve the police. I had tried speaking with his family but judging by his actions, they too were powerless to help him.

Mum and I had entered my home, still jointly owned by Simon and I, in total oblivion to the fact that he was there. His car hadn’t been outside; the door had still been locked and despite the dimming daylight there had been no lights on. Although Simon and I still owned the house together, the children and I were living there alone after he had eventually agreed to move out a few months previous.

I still don’t know why, but as I walked down the hallway I had an overwhelming urge to check inside the lounge.  Nothing looked outwardly different but I felt uneasy.

stalking www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Cautiously, I pushed the door open and scanned the darkening room.

 Everything was fine; I was just being silly. But then, as my eyes finished running the full length of the sofa, I saw him; my husband, sat very calmly, directly behind the now fully opened door.

And that’s when he said those words that chilled me. The words that brought me to my senses and made me realise that I had to make this stop.

Ever since we had separated 5 months previous, Simon had struggled to accept it.

At first, he had just been a nuisance; phoning and texting continuously, regardless of the time of the day or night. I had tried to remain patient, hopeful that he would eventually wear himself out and accept that the relationship was over.

I knew that Simon did not want the marriage to end but I had stopped loving him and I couldn’t continue pretending any longer. For me, our separation was a relief, the start of a new beginning. For Simon it was a shock and the end of everything.

Very soon his behaviours escalated.

One morning I rushed out of the children’s nursery, jumped in my car and before I could start the engine Simon had got into the passenger seat. 

 ‘’I really can’t talk now, I need to get to work” I said pleadingly.

Nothing I said could persuade Simon to return to his own car. Until, eventually, twenty minutes later, he got out.

Looking back I should have sounded the horn. The nursery car park was remote but staff inside would have heard me. But if I’m honest I didn’t really want to attract attention. As much as I wanted Simon out of my car I didn’t want everyone else knowing what was going on and I dreaded a scene.

Incidents like that continued. I started to constantly check behind me and I dreaded the sound of my phone. I tried doing things his way and I tried not. I tried being nice and I tried being blunt. Nothing seemed to work. If I did what he wanted, he expected more; if I didn’t do what he wanted he would make threats and pester until he got his own way.

I just wanted him to stop; to accept that the marriage was over and I blamed myself for not making him understand. His behaviour embarrassed me. 

When you are stalked by someone that you know intimately, you feel responsible. You feel that you are to blame and you forget that they are accountable for themselves

 ‘’Just tell him to stop calling’’ friends would advise. ‘’Don’t give in to him’’

It wasn’t that easy though. Simon would use the children as bait. On evenings when he was picking them up from nursery he would turn up at my home.

‘’Lucy needs the toilet’’ he would shout through the letterbox ‘’She’s bursting.’’

stalked
Simon wasn’t acting out of love. This was all about him.

At first I would let them in, unable to bear the thought of my children’s discomfort but of course once inside, Simon would refuse to leave. I would be stuck, trying to pretend that everything was okay for the children whilst desperately trying to persuade Simon to leave.

And after he had eventually left, the phone would start to ring. If I ignored the calls, he would return, banging at the door and shouting through the letterbox; a torrent of excuses. I would lock the doors from the inside to stop him gaining access but in reality, the property also belonged to him and I had little ground to stand on.

Looking back now I am absolutely amazed that I never consider myself a victim of stalking. I just alleged it to be a ‘difficult’ separation.

I wasn’t sure where love ended and stalking began; or how much time was fair of me to give him, or how many excuses I should offer for his actions?

Until that day.

And then something snapped and I knew that this was never going to stop unless I made it.

Simon wasn’t acting out of love. This was all about him. He felt entitled to my affection and entitled to be part of my life, regardless as to whether I wanted him to be or not.

The criminal justice system has worked hard over the last few years to help victims of harassment and stalking. New legislation has been introduced and Police Officers have been re-trained.

In 2008 things weren’t as straightforward. The first officers that attended the house said there wasn’t anything they could do; Simon was allowed inside his own property.

However, the following day when Simon again started to constantly phone me at work I re-contacted the police and this time they took action.

Furthermore, whilst they were conducting their investigation, things escalated.

Simon’s family had persuaded him to see a mental health professional. The doctor had become so concerned by Simon’s standpoint that he decided to break confidentiality in the interest of safety, and he too contacted the police.

Simon was arrested the following day and my situation was placed in the hands of the criminal system. I was protected by bail conditions, a home link alarm and, following a court case, a restraining order.

By the time the restraining order had expired the joint property had been sold and the children’s contact with Simon had been made subject to a court order.

I have been lucky. 

The criminal justice system worked for me. Home Office statistics deem that 2 people are killed every week by a partner or ex-partner. My abuse was stopped before I was ever physically hurt or worse.

 

Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

 

Alli-Jayne is a divorced mother of 2, freelance writer and blogger who loves juggling raising children, keeping a home and most importantly, having fun.

She researches and writes news stories for local newspapers and is a regular contributor to the lifestyle sections of the national newspapers and magazines, both in print and online. 

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What is Parental Alienation?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

What is Parental Alienation?

Let me tell you a story about someone I know personally.

He is a good dad, separated from his wife but sees his son as often as possible or when mum permits it.

His son, let’s call him Sammy, is now 10 years old.  His parents separated when he was a toddler.

Sammy has never had a sleep over at his dad’s who lives less than an hour away and they have never been on holiday together. Mum always tags along.

She, however, can go on holiday without as much of a word to my friend and explain to Sammy that “Daddy said he doesn’t want to come.”

Since the separation, my friend  he has been painted as the disciplinarian, the mean one, the one who is capable of abducting him.

When he is called over to fix the computer or put up shelves etc, my friend will rush over because he knows he will get to see his son.

It’s the comments from mum, while he is there, that really get to him.  “Daddy does try to fix things but he really isn’t that good is he Sammy?”

“Look, daddy’s late again.  He is always late.  When will you make it on time just so that your son doesn’t have to be kept waiting?”

My friend receives calls from his ex-wife when their son  misbehaves and needs to be disciplined.

He only gets to see his son when mum says it’s ok and for only a few hours because she is convinced and has managed to convince Sammy too, that my friend will abduct him.

She has even given her son skills on “how to get away from daddy  incase he tries to take you away by force” and warned him against making daddy angry because he can get really mad!

My friend rarely knows what’s happening at school in terms of performances, sports days etc which means he is usually unable to attend.  –  “Daddy was busy.”

My friend has now taken to speaking with the school directly to get the information for himself.

On and on goes the “brainwashing” so it was no wonder that for the longest time Sammy  very rarely looked forward to seeing daddy and spending anytime with him. Most of the time he would insist that mummy comes too – obviously as a means for him to feel safe.

Interesting thing is that, Sammy is now able to voice his feelings and ask questions that are bugging him.  With the answers he is getting, the picture that his mother has painted for him all this time is beginning to look a little dubious and questionable.

Sammy is growing up.

How will his mother explain her actions and words to him.  She interfered with their relationship and created a monster in Sammy’s eyes.

Before long, he will realise just what type of person she really is.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Prenuptial Agreements Uk

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Soila and  Austin Chessell discuss prenuptial agreements UK here.

  • Why have a prenuptial agreement?
  • What is a prenup?
  • Is a prenup legally binding?
  • When will a prenup not be upheld?
  • What is a post-nup?
  • Can you sign an pre-nup agreement after the wedding?
  • Can you do a DIY pre-nup?
  • What if a pre-nup is not fair? Can it be upheld?
  • Is there a standard prenuptial agreement form?
  • How important are prenuptial agreements?


Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation Syndrome – PAS

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This is Adolf’s Story.

Once again, I (Soila) am in touch with a desperate father, whose children have been taken away from him.

If you’re the alienating parent, I would be so very interested in understanding why you have chosen this for your children.  Maybe I am missing something?  I am aware that there are certain times and circumstances where contact with one parent is better off not happening as in the case of abuse and/or safety issues.

But if you’re ex partner is actually a good enough father/mother who wants and tries to give your child similar things that you give him/her, then why interfere with that relationship that is ever, ever, so important to your child’s wellbeing and development?

If there are no concerns with regards to real safety for your child, how will you later explain to your son/daughter why they couldn’t see daddy/mummy after the divorce?  Will they listen and say, “Oh I see and understand.  Thank you for keeping me away from him/her.  You did me so much good.”

Do you think that one day this video could be about your child, by your child?

Have you heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Is this what is happening here?

Are you a part of the group of adult children of parental alienation?  What would you tell a mum/dad who is currently alienating the children from the other parent?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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lost marriage certificate
Courtesy of Robert Williams
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Lost your Marriage Certificate?

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Sheata Karim Grayfords Family Law
Sheata Karim
Grayfords Family Law

Do you want a divorce but have lost your marriage certificate? Don’t fear; read on to find out what you can do if you find yourself in this stressful situation.

If you are going through a divorce you will be asked to supply your marriage certificate to the court. It is important that you supply this document so that the divorce can be processed officially and legally.

However, many clients do find that they have misplaced their marriage certificate over time and often ask if it is necessary to provide it – unfortunately, it is.

Read on to find out why providing a marriage certificate is important and how you can get another copy if you have misplaced it.

Why does the court need your lost marriage certificate?

Your marriage certificate needs to be supplied to the court along with the papers for divorce that have normally been prepared by your solicitor (called the petition), so that the court has an official record of the marriage.

Once your divorce is granted, the court will keep the original marriage certificate and issue you with a Decree Absolute which is proof of your divorce. It is important that you keep this document safe as you will need it if you ever wish to marry again – as well as for some tax and pension purposes.

The Decree Absolute is a formal record that you were married, to whom, when and where the marriage took place, as well as that the marriage was ended legally by the court.

What to do if you have lost your marriage certificate?

lost your marriage certificate
Have you lost your marriage certificate?

Don’t worry! This is not something that will derail the whole process. Many clients find that after a long marriage, or even a couple of house moves, that their marriage certificate is hard to locate.

However, you can apply for a replacement marriage certificate from the General Register Office (GRO) to proceed with a divorce.

How do I get a replacement?

You can apply to the General Register Office for a replacement marriage certificate, which will cost £9.25. There is also a Priority Service with next working day delivery for £23.40 – ideal for those who wish to get the process sorted quickly.

The General Register Office can also supply you with copies of birth, death, adoption and civil partnership certificates.

Be aware that the process for obtaining a copy of your marriage certificate is slightly different in Scotland and Northern Ireland. Information regarding the Scottish procedure can be found here, and the Northern Irish process can be found here.

You may want to read this article too – Can I get Divorced without my Lost Marriage Certificate UK?

About the Sheata

Sheata Karim is the Principal Solicitor and Founder of Grayfords, a family law firm based in central London.

After over a decade of working in family and niche law firms, Sheata used her expertise and specialist knowledge to start her own practice.

Sheata created her own firm so that she could instil her values of client care and satisfaction into every area of the business. Her motto is to envisage yourself in the perfect future, and that is what she will help you achieve.

With experience in all areas of English and international family law – including divorce, financial issues and child matters – Sheata really is an expert in her field.

www.grayfords.co.uk

 

 

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divorced dads

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

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Andrew Ford www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Andrew Ford

Andrew Ford separated from the mother of his youngest daughter when she was only a year old.

During the past 5 years, it has been a challenge to get to see her regularly.  He also has a 13-year-old daughter from an earlier marriage.

Although he now has fairly regular access to his youngest, it remains difficult at times.

Andrew is not alone.

National statistics show that Britain has the highest proportion of fatherless families (2 million) of any major European country, and 1 in 3 children – nearly 4 million in total – live without their father. Of those children, 1 in 3 will lose contact with their dads permanently, according to the Centre for Social Justice.

Andrew shares some tips for estranged and divorced dads to help them maintain and improve contact with their children and avoid parental alienation.

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

1.   Formalise the contact: Secure a formal contact arrangement with your children by talking to their mother and getting a contact order through the courts. This should cover holidays, weekends and drop-off / collection arrangements. Such a schedule provides a basis for quality time together throughout the year.

2.   Plan your year: Buy a calendar to note and plan all the arranged contacts and key dates throughout the year. A methodical approach will make the exercise more manageable, and enjoyable. Also plan early for special dates such as weddings, anniversaries and funerals – I recently needed to do this for my daughters to attend my parents’ – their grandparents’- 50th wedding anniversary.

parental alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Get online: There are many ways to avoid parental alienation

3.   Get online: Modern technology is crucial to maintain contact with your children. E-mail is great for ongoing communication – either directly with an older child, or to confirm arrangements with the child’s mother.

I CC my mother, older daughter, the grandmother of my youngest, and my new partner, Dawn, in on such e-mails, as it’s a good way of reinforcing contact details and dates, which often involve the extended family.

4.   Get smart: A good way to stay in touch with your older child on a daily basis is via the free Smart phone apps WhatsApp and Viber, as this is how they’re having conversations with their friends today.

I chat to my older daughter on WhatsApp every day, sharing photos and other updates – such as what’s happening at their other home, when I’m travelling or just popping to do some shopping. It keeps her close and involved even if she’s not in the same location.

5.   Store your memories in an online memory bank:  My daughters want to see my face, expression and mannerisms not just read a text or listen to my disembodied voice! To feel like I am there, even when I am not there and for that I use an online memory bank which allows me to video record and store all sorts of information for my daughters in a secure digital memory bank.  This includes stories about my childhood and family facts and even some advice.

Our time together is limited, this way they can get information when they are away from me, answers to questions they don’t know to ask and which we can chat about when we are together.   Lifestorybank is the one I use but you can check online for other online memory banks.

Andrew Ford is a dad of two girls and an independent marketing consultant.

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Best Cruises for Kids

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

It can be overwhelming taking your first vacation with your children post-divorce, when you book for one of those single parent holidays such as cruises for kids.

You may have had special places that you journeyed to as a family or you miss having some adult time. Your holiday budget has shrunk, but not your wanderlust.

Make sure that you have a notarized letter from the other parent giving you permission to travel outside of the country. It is easier to get passports or renewals if it’s part of the divorce agreement. I got permission for specific future trips abroad during my divorce.

My husband balked at first, but the interim child psychologist pointed out that he was jeopardizing his parental bonds by doing this.

All inclusive holidays made it much easier to stay within my decreased means.

I also could take my divorced mother along on cruises and my sons have fond memories of globetrotting with Gran. Entertainment, meals and activities are included. What is nice is that my sons enjoyed the kids and teens clubs and still are in touch with some of their buddies from previous cruises.

Once you take a cruise, you are entitled to a past passenger discount and even more if you book another one while still on board. I like going to the concerts and shows and my boys can do other activities, if these are not appealing. Also, I am not paying for individual tickets for transportation between cities.

The ports of call are pleasing to all age groups even to those still in a stroller. My son had his best birthday party ever which was given by the staff on the QE2.

Cruises for Kids

Royal Caribbean has special “Divorced Dads and Kids Cruises” particularly on their Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas ships. These are designed to strengthen the bond between father and children.

There are fun activities for the kids and dad can nip into the casino or have a pint with new pals.

Other lines, such as Norwegian, have also had special cruises for divorced people. I took regular cruises and met some life-long friends.

Do an online search and there are websites, such as Single Parent Travel and Cruisemates that have trips for single parents.

There are all inclusive resorts both in the UK and abroad that welcome single parents and children. The Caribbean has an overabundance of these and one company is “Beaches Resorts” which is owned by Sandals.

They are kid friendly and keep the little ones active while parents relax on the beach. They include meals, snacks, entertainment and non-motorized water sports for one price.

“Grand Pineapple Beach” has a few resorts in the Caribbean and claim to be an exceptional value. Club Med has been around for decades and welcomes children too.

If one wants to get away without tots in tow there are some fun options. Surf Diva Camp is in Costa Rica and has all female classes teaching how to surf.

Many of these women have recently gone through break ups. In the Grenadines, Barefoot Off Shore Sailing School has both co-ed and all female sailing programs.

Kamalame Cay, Bahamas has “Le Divorce” package that includes unlimited booze, snorkeling and many spa treatment plus other surprises.

The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona has “Wellness Specials” not only to pamper, but help people recover from break ups. These wellness specialists help guests gain insight and provide yoga and other activities.

Think about starting new trip traditions. It could be painful travelling to the same spots you visited as a couple.

One woman started taking a nice trip with her mother each year post-divorce. I had my mother join us for some with my sons. Others do a spa weekend with girlfriends. I met some women in my travels who recently started taking trips with their sisters.

A friend began mountain climbing post-divorce and did a trek up Mt. Kilimanjaro. One can lose possessions, but not life experiences.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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broken homes

Broken Homes, Broken Children?

Published on
Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently read the above title somewhere cannot recall where.  It was a piece on divorce and children and the effects of divorce on children.

I have to say that the title did upset me somewhat because I’m so tired of hearing how divorce almost definitely messes children up.  I know it can mess children up, I write about it and work in that whole area, but I am here to say that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to end up with broken children.

The way I look at it is that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to bring about everlasting damage to children.  Yes, I know it can but it doesn’t have to. As I often say, the divorce is not the point to focus on it’s how it’s handled.

To those people who are totally convinced that it can do so much harm that they would rather stay in an unhappy, abusive relationship than put their children through the experience of divorce with the possible end result of them having a more peaceful existence please do think again.

I am not advocating for divorce and I am not here to encourage you to end your relationship.  I am here to ask, if your situation is unbearable to you , imagine what it is like for your little ones.

To this day my two exes and I are good friends.  Our children see each other and celebrate birthdays and have sleepovers together.  They know each other and we, the adults, respect each other.

Broken homes
While taking the guidance into account, the court’s paramount concern will always be the child’s welfare.

The divorce process with my first marriage was hard and acrimonious but despite what we felt for one another be it anger, hate or sheer resentment, our daughter stayed our focus.

We would still attend school functions together and communicate anything to do with school and extra-curricular activities.

Yes, the divorce was hard on her but it was handled in a way where the “could-have-been” permanent repercussions were either eliminated or eased by the way we handled the whole process between us.

So yes, divorce can bring on broken children but broken homes can also be found in places where there is one home where everyone lives under the same roof.

You can have two very happy intact homes for the children to return to time and time again or you can have one very unhappy home that the children dread living in.

Divorce, if handled properly and with the children in mind doesn’t have to mean broken children.

That has been my experience (twice).  What has yours been?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Family Mediation – Complex Cases

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell
Family Mediator and
PPC

In this article I will talk about mediation with highly emotional clients, how to deal with emotional clients and some reasons why clients may be emotional.

It has been a real learning experience working with couples over the past four years as a family mediator where there are strong emotions between the clients. It is very different to acting for one client as a solicitor.

The hardest part about arranging the mediation can be obtaining the willingness of the person who did not propose the mediation as mediation is a voluntary process.  Explaining to that person what mediation can achieve for them helps persuade them to try mediation.

As mediators we help:-

  1. Turn around family disputes;
  2. Resolve family differences;
  3. Give children a voice if the parents would like their children to be part of the mediation process;
  4. Save clients’ money by avoiding the fees they would incur if the matter went to court;
  5. Keep the dispute out of court;
  6. Work in conjunction with solicitors if clients need advice during mediation and if they need a solicitor to prepare any mediation agreement into a legal document.

A lot of mediation clients want to resolve their family dispute and save face at the same time.  Mediation allows this to happen.

It may have been many months or years since the couple have seen each other. Sometimes in the joint sessions I provide a sandwich or fruit for the couple to eat as it may have been a while since they have sat round the table to have a discussion at a meal. It can help to calm the atmosphere in the room if there is silence while both of the couple are eating before setting the agenda items.

Examples

One client I mediated with explained to me in the intake session that this may be the last time she was likely to see the husband again as there were no children from the relationship and part of her moving on would be not to see the husband again.

The client was upset that the husband had found another partner and wanted to vent her feelings about this in the joint session. As a mediator I would not allow one client to be abusive towards the other but this seemed to help to clear the tension from the wife who was then more ready to engage in the financial mediation session.

Family Mediation - Complex CasesRelocation mediations where there are children can be very difficult for the parent who is remaining behind even with generous holiday contact and travel details agreed.

In a lot of these cases the parents have their own solicitors, travel to the session separately and there is no communication between them outside of the sessions. In some sessions one client can stand up raging and pacing round the room and the mediator has to calmly ask the client to sit down.

When asked by the client why do I care about what happens to the children I have to give a response that remains impartial. It is often easier for the mediator to focus the clients when there are children being talked about to ensure that both parents change their mind set from that of a warring separating couple to one who both want to be parents who the children see are both continuing to follow their caring responsibilities for the children.

In family mediation there tend to be 3-5 joint sessions if children and financial matters are being dealt with. For clients who have a lot of history and deeply entrenched emotions there are several ways of dealing with this.

I work closely with counsellors who have seen clients outside and also been part of the mediation itself. Also if the clients want to discuss the past before looking to resolve the issues then there can be more sessions working on a therapeutic mediation model. However it is made clear to the clients that mediation is a future focussed process and as mediators we are not trained to act as a counsellor or therapist.

A lot of cases are referred to me just days before a final hearing. Family Mediation cases do tend to be done in 90 minute sessions over several dates but there have been some family mediation cases which have been resolved in one day.

Where clients are highly emotional it can be better for them to have time to reflect in between sessions rather than agree to something when time is of the essence which they may regret later. Also if the case is complex it allows time for the clients to obtain legal advice, tax advice and or pension advice if this is required by them.

Shuttle mediation can be useful where clients find it unhelpful to sit in the same room. There have been cases where the clients started mediation in different rooms and agreed on several issues and then came together in the same room for the final joint sessions.

I am happy to work with the shuttle mediation model however it does slow the process down. I can convey the message of the client but I cannot replicate the emotion and also the clients cannot see each other’s body language. Also if the couple have children they are going to need to continue to communicate with each other after the mediation, attend graduations and weddings of the children which is why if the couple mediate in the same room it can be positive for the children.

Dealing with highly emotional clients

I explain at the start of the joint sessions that when one person is talking they should not interrupt the other person and ask them to agree to this. If emotions do become vocalised during the session it is useful to remind them not to speak while the other person is talking.

If the tone of the conversation does become heated it is sometime necessary to stand up and ask the clients to focus on the issues that they have raised.

grounds for divorce

Sometimes it just needs someone to tell the clients to be mindful about what they are saying and not to take verbal swipes at each other. If they have children they would not like their children to see them behaving in this way.

We use a flip chart to document what is discussed in mediation. On one occasion the client wanted to get out how he felt before discussing settlement options so I let the client write on the flipchart his feelings and then also allowed the other client to do this too. We had a short break and then returned to discuss settlement options.

As mediators we are not there to keep secrets so it is best for the joint sessions to see the clients in the same room. However, with some clients if the tension becomes high in the room I have asked to see clients separately for example 10 minutes each and then asked them to continue together. This can help to get the clients to talk again more constructively.

Some reasons why clients are emotional

Every case is different but clients can be very emotional if one client has found a new partner and the other person in the mediation sessions has not.

The clients can also become very emotional if they feel that there is not much trust between them.

Conclusions

Clients may feel that emotions and the difficulty of the issues may mean that mediation is not appropriate. This is rarely the case but the mediator will carefully assess this at the Mediation Information Assessment Meeting.

I would not want to start a mediation if I did not feel confident it would work. There is always the option to co-mediate the case. I am from a family law background and my business partner, Massy Ellesmere at FAMIA, is from a couple counselling background. I have found it really helpful to mediate with someone from a different professional background especially in high emotion cases.

By trying mediation the client may have options available that do not present themselves at court. I have worked with clients where their parents or relatives have offered a lump sum payment to settle a financial mediation which the Judge would not direct at court.

The couple if they got married planned their marriage together; they know their personal circumstances and routine better than anyone else so it makes sense to attempt to resolve the separation together too.

Mediation clients have commented that they feel that they have achieved more in a 90 minute joint session than one year of litigating through the courts which has been an expensive and stressful experience for them. I rarely see mediation clients return to me once an agreement is reached whereas legal clients if they are not happy with a court decision may decide to return to court so there is no closure on the matter.

Often the clients have a lot of the mediation points agreed which they do not realise so as a mediator it is important to summarise and reframe key points that the other client may not have acknowledged or taken on board to ensure the clients keep talking to each other.

The Children and Families Bill being considered by Parliament at the moment is looking to change the law so that Applicants looking to make an application to the family courts for a dispute concerning children or finances must consider mediation first at a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting. A line by line examination of the bill took place on the 7th January 2014 and a fourth day of the report stage has been set for the 29th January 2014.

 

About Austin

Austin Chessell is a highly accomplished accredited family and children mediator and a family mediation supervisor. He is qualified as a solicitor in

2010 and has practised as a Collaborative Family Solicitor since 2013. Austin has meeting rooms in North, East and West London. He also mediates online and is authorised to do legal aid family work. A member of both the Law Society and Family Mediation Council mediation panels, he has also completed a Level 3 diploma in Counselling and works on a voluntary basis for Families Need Fathers.

www.thefamilymediationcentre.co.uk

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