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getting back with your ex

Thinking of Getting Back with Your Ex

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is so easy nowadays to reconnect with a long ago love.

There are various online sites from social media to searching for classmates, which facilitate getting in touch again. What starts out as curiosity regarding the one who got away can end up as an affair that rips families apart.

It may be innocence or nativity that views exchanging a few updates as no big deal.

If rekindling a relationship with a former flame cannot be discussed with a spouse, then it falls into the danger zone. In the majority of these cases, at least one spouse is married.

When the old sweethearts meet up again, it has been described as being like a vacation in Disneyland.

There are no mundane tasks or bills, just fun activities. The reunion may have already budgeted expenses, so the day to day juggling of finances is not present.

This situation is similar to episodes of bachelor/bachelorette television shows filmed in an exotic locale. The people stay in a five star hotel, with great meals and amenities. There are exciting diversions without the stresses of daily life.

When getting back with your ex, this new relationship is built upon the quicksand of fantasy without a firm foundation. No wonder these relationships have a higher rate of divorce or not making it to the alter.

This true story echoes so many of the other ones that were shared with me.

Getting Back with Your ex
When the old sweethearts meet up again, it has been described as being like a vacation in Disneyland.

Jerry’s wife decided to go online and discover whatever happened to her college boyfriend.

He was single and just seeing his photo brought back happy memories. They decided to get together for a weekend. Soon after this initial meeting, Carol decided on a divorce and left Jerry. Carol and this college flame got married, but this relationship did not work out, so she got divorced again.

Getting back with an ex, having a whirlwind courtship all while getting a divorce, did not give a realistic picture for this new relationship. It is not just about picking up where both parties left off over a decade ago.

People searching for old flames do so for different reasons, such as being bored in their marriages. They may want to relive their youth or now have that middle age itch.

There may be something lacking in their lives now, so they feel if they had married their former fling, they would have been fulfilled. They are not taking responsibility for a void and think a past love could fill it. They want excitement, or say they are hooking up just as friends.

If you are married – do not look up former boy/girlfriends. If you are single and do –please respect the other person’s marital status by not contacting them if they are married.

If you both are unattached, then consider giving this a go. The relationships that seem to be most successful are the ones that broke up due to parents’ interference or because they were too young. There have been reunions which led to successful marriages, but both were single and did not leave marriages to reunite. If one’s marriage is unhappy, go for counselling to fix it or end it, before pursuing a former partner.

 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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why forgive and forget

Why Forgive and Forget?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ok.  If you’re reading this then chances are that you are angry with someone somewhere on this mother earth planet of ours more specifically, your ex.

And maybe it’s not just your ex, there could be his/her family and friends too.  I once knew a man who was not only angry with his ex but his children too.  So irate he was with them that he swore never to speak with them again!

Now take a couple of minutes and just ask yourself, now that I have this anger and resentment in me towards this person, what is it doing to me?  How am I gaining from it?

And even more importantly, how is it hurting that person right now or ever?  Do they care that I have not forgiven them, that I am burning with anger towards them?  Or are they expecting it?

Now take another couple of minutes and ask yourself – “If I were to forgive them what would happen?”  “How would I feel?”  “How would it affect them?”

Very often we think that if we forgive then  the “perpetrator” or the person that has caused you offence then he/she has gotten away with whatever it is that they did to you.

We have sooooo often heard, “I can forgive but I won’t forget.”  But those are just words strung together to make a kind of pretty sentence – they doesn’t mean much.

But the question is “do you have emotional closure?”

And when you do remember whatever it is that the person did to you, because you will, how do you feel?  Does anger still rise up in you?  Most likely.  If so, do you still think you have forgiven?

Right now, you are probably thinking that you are justified to hate that ex spouse or partner.  And you probably are – but for how long?

And who is the hate, anger and resentment affecting?  Does the other person lose ANY sleep knowing that you hate them and the you will not forgive them.  I don’t think so.  They most likely don’t care at all – to put it mildly.

Truth is hate, anger and resentment, change you. They change who you are.

They change your heart and your mind to such an extent that if you stepped out and looked at yourself from another angle, you might not recognise yourself or the person that you have become.

why forgive and forgetNow why would you think that hate, anger and resentment wouldn’t affect your physically let alone emotionally?

When you harbour anger, hatred and resentment, your body’s chemical balance is dramatically disrupted.  Your “flight or fight” responses stay aroused twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  That means that hatred, anger and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy and relaxation.” Dr Phil

Apart from these emotions affecting you physically, emotionally and mentally then keep in mind, if you can, that because you are full of these negative and toxic emotions, then your behaviour will be affected so anyone you meet from here on, meets the angry, resentful person.

You can mask it all as much as you please but it will still come through in your actions and words, however subtle.

Ok, if you don’t believe me, how can you really truly give what you don’t have?  If someone you really cared about came over to you and asked, “Gosh I need a holiday.  Would you book one full-paid for me please?”  Most likely not, not because you don’t want to necessarily but because you don’t have the money to do it.

So, do think about it.  Why forgive and forget? Because by doing so you give yourself a new path to follow when you let go off the resentment, anger and hate.  Stop holding yourself hostage to the past by starting to forgive.

It is easier to start forgiving what happens today than what happened yesterday or a few years ago.

If someone cuts in front of you at the lights or something, let it go.  Tell him or her to go have their accident elsewhere.

Start forgiving what happens today, this very moment and what happened yesterday will start falling away too.

Warm hugs,

Soila

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Don’t look back in anger? Try telling that to Dale Vince.

Published on
Katie McCann Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

Kathleen Wyatt has recently received permission from the Supreme Court to seek financial provision from her ex-husband, Dale Vince.

So far, normal.

Except for the fact that the pair separated 30 years ago before officially divorcing 23 years ago.

So why wasn’t this sorted out following their divorce in 1992?

And what can divorcees do to protect themselves against these types of claims?

During the couple’s relationship, the pair lived a nomadic lifestyle, surviving on very little money. Following their separation, life continued in a similar manner for Ms Wyatt, who today lives in an ex-council house in Wales with her children.

However, things changed dramatically for Mr Vince when he founded Ecotricity in 1995, which is now one of the UK’s biggest green energy companies.  Mr Vince’s new lifestyle mirrors his business success and he currently lives in a £3 million 18th-century castle with his new wife and their son.

At first glance, it seems obvious that any maintenance claim brought by Ms Wyatt so long after their divorce should fall flat. After all, the maths is plain and simple: Mr Vince’s success came three years after the couple divorced and therefore this surely means that Ms Wyatt’s ship has sailed and she has no right to any of her ex-husband’s earnings?

This logic was certainly used by Lord Justice Thorpe in the Court of Appeal, who stated that Mr Vince was not to be Ms Wyatt’s ‘insurer against life’s eventualities’. However, shockingly, when the matter reached the Supreme Court, Lord Wilson ruled that Ms Wyatt should be entitled to bring a claim against her ex-husband and stated that the matter should be heard by a judge in the Family Division of the High Court.

don't look back in anger
Mr Vince when he founded Ecotricity in 1995, which is now one of the UK’s biggest green energy companies.

When the case does come before the High Court, Ms Wyatt will likely base her claim on her significant childcare contributions over the years. Mr Vince will rely on the ridiculously long delay in the claim being brought, as well as the fact that although the couple were officially married for 11 years, they actually only enjoyed marital cohabitation for two years.

Although Ms Wyatt’s claim may not be successful, the fact that she has received permission to bring it before a Judge is still extremely unsettling for divorcees, who should not have to live in fear that their divorces, which they presumed to be ‘done and dusted’, may rear their ugly heads in the form of a claim in the future.

If nothing more, the Supreme Court’s ruling comes as a huge warning to anyone whose marriage ends in divorce, and that warning is quite straightforward: it is imperative to get a final order so that all monetary claims are dealt with together with the divorce.

It is certainly understandable why many fall into the trap of thinking that a clean break is unnecessary; after all, when a couple have lived on an extremely low budget throughout their marriage, the cost of a court order is likely be viewed as an unnecessary expense.

However, it is vital for couples to realise that things can and do change – one party may win the lottery, a loved one may leave a large and unexpected inheritance, or one party may start a business that reaches a level of success they couldn’t have imagined in their wildest dreams.

Today, separating spouses are privy to the ‘online quickie divorce’, a service that allows parties to get divorced for a fixed fee of as little as £100 plus VAT.

Whilst such services may appear appealing and are often very useful for those looking to keep their divorce costs to a minimum, it is imperative for couples to understand that such a service often does not deal with matrimonial finances and instead only take the couple to the decree absolute stage of their divorce.

In order for both spouses to move on with their independent lives after divorce, it is crucial that they draft, approve and sign a final financial order before submitting it to court for approval.

Whilst the cost of a lawyer drafting such an agreement may be a slight inconvenience, it will be miniscule compared to a claim that could be brought years later by an ex-spouse with a hefty sense of entitlement.

Nobody wants to be looking over their shoulder after divorce and the best insurance against having to do this is to tie things up at the point of divorce instead of leaving loose ends.

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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Helping Divorcing Friends

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Your good friend down the street just told you that she and her husband are divorcing.  You want to give her all of your wisdom and advice. That would really help her….or would it?

The first thing to do is just listen. Really listen.

It is not the time to scare her with what went wrong in your divorce or to bombard your friend with what she ought to do.

Your friend may be numb with shock and wants you as a sounding board so that she can process her emotions.

Respect your friend’s privacy and do not ask him/her for the gory details to satisfy your curiosity.

They may have had a picture perfect marriage on the outside, but what went on behind closed doors was personal. Instead, just be there even if sitting in silence. Let your pal know that you are there for them in whatever way is supportive.

Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

The Divorce Magazine’s web site has a tab to click on for resources and mention the informative articles. MeetUp.com has divorce groups in London and in other parts of the UK. MeetUp.com has men’s and women’s groups which can provide camaraderie and interesting activities.

There are various divorce support groups, retreats, and workshops in the UK and elsewhere which can be beneficial. Perhaps check for these online and report back to your friend. I sometimes stumbled around in a fog during divorce and could have used help from friends sourcing this type of support.

divorced friends
Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

I had a birthday during the middle of my divorce and people queued up to help me celebrate it. Perhaps have a group celebration for their birthday in the midst of an acrimonious divorce.

Small treats are great, such as a bag of Thornton’s decadent chocolates or a gift card for something fun. Are their kids with the other parent for the first time on a major bank holiday? Invite them over for a festive diversion.

People shared what helped them in their divorces.

When they saw I was about to make a huge mistake, they tactfully told about similar experiences where that potential action just did not work.

Refrain from using the word “should” and use other ones, such as “have you considered…?”

Telling true stories about your own or someone else’s divorce is guidance, not preaching what you think you friend has to do. Be aware of how you come across to a divorcing friend, because dispensing advice can be construed as judgemental of how they are handling things.

I share what supplements, including homeopathic ones, helped me through my divorce and beyond. I let people know about a particular protein drink that helps me when under stress. I bring up the topic of supplements, including nutrition, since I am a nurse. People can take it or leave it. Someone in a different specialty, such as fitness, might bring up beneficial aspects of exercise which can help in divorce.

If your friend expresses frustration or that they feel stuck, ask them if they might consider going to a life or divorce coach. This coach can help them to see where they are stuck and devise strategies to deal with stress and have a smoother divorce. The coach can help a person learn how to face divorce issues and cope with being separated from children part-time.

Help your friend realize that they are not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Absent Fathers Lost Sons

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Accredited Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

In my previous article, I wrote about divorced fathers and their children.

I put across some really important research that helps you know and understand just how vital your presence, as a father is, in your child’s life now and way into the future.

I am writing this new post after watching an episode of Dr Phil in which he is dealing with a family where dad is…not being very nice to put it extremely mildly.

Dad, in this episode seems to be completely oblivious to what the role of a father truly entails.

His behaviour, words and actions are absolutely destroying his children and the sad thing is he doesn’t seem to see it.  He just doesn’t seem to know or realise what he is doing to his children.

In this episode, Dr Phil has invited Dr Zimbardo, a well known and very, very experienced psychologist and author of The Demise of Guys, onto the show and after listening and watching for a while this is what Dr Zimbardo had to say about our young men and boys following his research findings.

Very scary…

“One of the things we have discovered is that boys are failing. Boys are really dropping out of life. They are failing academically, socially and when they get to be men, they are failing sexually. And we have identified some of the reasons, some of the culprits:

  •  It’s excessive isolation of playing of video games. They become addictive.
  • It’s excessive isolation watching pornography online which is addictive 
  • The absence of fathers.
absent fathers
40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father

40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father, from divorce, from separation, from father’s being absent and boys need fathers more than girls need fathers. Girls get what they would need from mothers.

Boys need guidance, they need boundaries, they need motivation, they need role models…

To have an abusive father is worse than having no father.

To make somebody feel that he is worthless, to undercut his sense of mastery, of course he’s going to fail. You never, every undercut their sense of self-esteem…because what you’re doing is destructive. You are harming them psychologically and even physically.”

So if you make up part of the absent fathers statistics or an abusive one then know what it is that you are doing to your children.  You’re not just hurting them now, in this present moment, you are harming for them for life.  You are changing who they are and getting them to be who they shouldn’t be.

You can change that.  It’s never too late to repair the damage caused.  Start with the small things.  Become aware of how destructive your words and actions are and don’t feel too big to apologise and make it right.

Admitting that you didn’t do the right thing by your child or children is one of the first and most important steps you can take in this healing journey.

You, as the father may have had an abusive relationship with your own father or grew up as one of the many children who live experienced absent fathers lives.

You may have been a victim of hurtful and soul destroying words and actions and it’s true what they say, you cannot give what you don’t have.  But once you know that this had been your own journey, is it not time to fix it?

As Dr Phil puts it in the show:

“We have an old saying in Texas that sometimes you have to rise above your raising.

You maybe raised by people that aren’t doing a very good job but there’s a point in which you’ve got to rise above your raising. You’ve got to say, “you know what, that’s just something I’ve got to do.” That’s just something I’ve got to do on my own.

Sometimes, the sad fact is that we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else.

And you may have assumed some kind of a role and you can sit around and say, “Well the guy that could have picked and lifted me up didn’t,” and I’m sorry that that’s your experience of him. But you are firstly approaching adulthood and you’ve got to give yourself permission to believe in who you are because the more you know who you are, the less vulnerable you are to what other people tell you who you are.”

So yes, know, accept and realise that that has been your journey into manhood.  Rise above it and get to know you who you are, who you truly are.

Do you?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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“Mapping Paths to Family Justice” – Happier passengers on a well trodden alternative route

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell

It was a pleasure to attend the ‘’New Year…. …New family dispute resolution’’ evening at Farrer & Co in early January focusing on the growing client interest in non-court family dispute resolution for 2015, particularly the findings of the briefing paper ‘Mapping Paths to Family Justice.’

The full report is available online prepared by Professor Anne Barlow (University of Exeter), Rosemary Hunter (University of Kent), Janet Simpson (University of Exeter) and Jan Ewing (University of Kent).

Professor Anne Barlow presented a fascinating paper on the Report’s key findings. Of particular interest to Family practitioners will be that separating couples are increasingly preferring to settle disputes using non-court dispute resolution eg mediation, collaborative law and solicitors’ negotiations. This article picks out key points and critiques them against my own practice and experience.

The briefing paper was a three year academic research project carried out by the Universities of Exeter and Kent which started in July 2011.

It is a national study of around 7000 people which collected data from face to face and telephone interviews with people who had experience of non-court family dispute resolution from both legal aid and private clients and also practitioners.

The central aim was to provide evidence about the public’s awareness, usage, experience and outcomes of the different out of court Family Dispute Resolution (“FDR”) processes.

My caseload for the last four years inevitably includes cases that go to court, but the vast majority of my work now is non-court based. It was really interesting to hear from Anne Barlow what people’s experiences were on the different types of FDR options.

The key findings are:

  1. Gender-balanced co-mediation would address concerns about partiality. Co-mediation was useful in discussions about children disputes but co-mediation is not used often because of the costs of having another mediator present.

I think co-mediation is a good idea and I use this model where there are several indicators from the intake session towards co-mediation e.g. frequently in high conflict, high net worth cases, there are power imbalances and emotionally needy clients.

I often co-mediate with a couples’ counsellor Massy Ellesmere.

Clients seem to like having someone from a legal background and a co-mediator from a therapeutic background. A male and female mediator can help to produce better outcomes in cases where we think co-mediation would add real value to their mediation matter.

The mediators’ tasks can be divided when co-mediations take place. Having a male and female mediator in the room can provide a gender balance and set up a model to counteract any power imbalance. Lisa Parkinson, a Family Mediator, has also commented in her book “Appropriate Dispute Resolution in a New Family Justice System” (2nd Edition) that research shows male and female mediators produce fairer and more balanced agreements.

  1. Into the MIAM (Mediation Information Assessment Meeting) era, we have examples of courts ordering parties to mediate.

I am starting to receive more referrals from courts for cases which the Judge believes people should really be talking to each other about rather than litigating.

Recent court referrals have been for a children matter where the clients could not decide on how to review childcare arrangements by an hour each week or on a financial settlement case where the larger assets had been agreed to be divided at court but the household contents had not been determined and the Judge thought it would be useful for the clients to attend mediation. The clients attended one joint 90 minute session and were quickly able to decide how the house contents would be divided.

  1. Ensure that mediation clients are well prepared before they start.
Mapping Paths to Family Justice
I check with clients early on if they have sought legal advice.

This can include ensuring people are aware of what mediation is. Not a lot of people knew what mediation was before they started the process. Clients commonly learn about mediation from their Solicitor or by attending a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting with a mediator.

I check with clients early on if they have sought legal advice.

It is sometimes difficult now with legal aid being removed in a lot of Family Law areas. Legal clinics such as the Citizens Advice Bureau in Holborn provide 3 visits (30 – 45 minutes) for eligible people which can provide clients with an idea of where they stand legally and prepare them for mediation.

I discuss with clients all of the options open to them. It may be that mediation is not the right process for them, but if they know how each option works they can then make an informed decision about which process may be the best match for them.

I have an adapted Financial Statement (Form E) for the clients to complete. I try to ensure they complete the form as fully as possible and bring the level of detail of supporting documents each client requests because if there are large gaps in their Form E it can sometimes be difficult to progress a financial mediation session.

  4. The voice of the child in mediation

The Report finds that direct consultations with children in mediation rarely happen, but there is definitely an argument that the voice of children in the mediation forum and other FDR processes should be heard more often.

I am trained to mediate with children and have around 3-4 cases each year where the parents agree for me to meet with the children in a separate session and then provide them with feedback that the children want me to give their parents.

I have worked with a British parent who lives outside Europe and its three UK resident teenage sons wanted to know why the parent moved abroad at the end of the marriage and how they could re-establish contact.

I have also worked with three teenage children who had very busy school schedules and wanted to spend more time with their mother but wanted to do more outside activities rather than playing computer games which the mother used to encourage instead of physical activities.

  5.  Mediation frustrations

The Report highlights situations where mediation can break down e.g. one person not providing information, worries about being in the same room as a former partner and power imbalances.

The mediation process may not go into the same depth of financial disclosure as court, but for mediation to work the clients need to provide financial disclosure information to the other person in mediation.

If mediation clients cannot get the financial information they feel they need they may use the court process to obtain it and then return to mediation when they want to start considering financial options for settlement.

I find this is happening more often. Clients may go to court up to the Financial Dispute Resolution (‘’FDR’’) stage but then come to mediation if they feel financial disclosure has been completed and want to avoid a final hearing where legal costs can escalate.

I do some mediation cases on a ‘’shuttle’’ basis where clients are not in the same room. It is a lot slower than everyone being in the same room but in some cases it can work better. Some cases I have worked on started as a shuttle mediation and then change to the same room at the next session when the parties see progress is being made.

If there is a power imbalance e.g. one person does not have a good a grasp of the finances, a neutral third party can be introduced e.g. an Independent Financial Advisor may be present in the joint mediation sessions. Last week I mediated with a Bengali client who was not confident about his English so an independent translator attended the mediation sessions with him with the agreement of the other party.

  6.  Screening in mediation

The Report indicates things that could be done better in mediation. For example there could be better screening for abuse and conflict. A lot of people felt that there was impartiality lacking at times of screening and when there were high levels of conflict the mediator could not control things.

I tend to do my screening with the clients separately by arranging the intake sessions at different times. I know mediators who do intake sessions with the clients together and then see the clients separately for the screening for part of the session, but I want the client to feel comfortable to talk to me without the other person being in the room with them.

  7.  What could be done better?

The Report looks at providing counselling or other therapeutic methods to support people who may be emotionally vulnerable.

Many divorcing clients obviously describe this as a very stressful time. Referrals to a counsellor need to be made sensitively. Some of my clients see counselling as a weakness. Others have attended counselling and found it very useful.

For example a client had a young daughter in Scotland and was unhappy about having contact in a hotel and not at her home and wanted to talk through how she felt with a counsellor. After the sessions the client explained she felt a lot calmer and in a better place. I am quite lucky in that I am a member of the Collaborative pod group (Essex Family Solutions) where there are three to four counsellors who regularly attend this pod. You can get to know the counsellors quite well so when a referral is made you are confident that the client will be treated sensitively and get on with the counsellor.

Conclusion

If you are interested or work in the Family Law or Family Mediation field the Report is well worth a read.  I found it useful to see what feedback clients have provided about the different forms of FDR.

This Report and the subsequent discussions with fellow delegates at the Farrer & Co event made me reflect on my own practice and how I can continue to improve my service to clients in each of the out of court options. Judging from the comments of the majority of the delegates I spoke to, fees are a significant factor in clients’ decision making and deciding which option to use when separating from a former partner and mediation can be one of the more cost effective options to use. However, clients needs to understand how mediation works before deciding if it is the right option for them.

Austin Chessell is a Child and Family Mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk). He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons and a member of the Collaborative pod group Essex Family Solutions.

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Trouble Seeing your Children

Having Trouble Seeing your Children?

Published on
Families Need Fathers
Ross Jones
Families Need Fathers

This article is intended for non-resident parents in the early stages of separation that are starting to experience difficulties with arrangements for their children.

By keeping these tips in mind, you will be giving yourself the best opportunity to resolve you situation as quickly and painlessly as possible:

If you’re having trouble seeing your children, then here are some things you could try:

Don’t leave things too long –It is important not to let things linger. We are sometimes contacted by fathers who have had no contact with their children or their former partners for a number of years before finding out what their options are.

There are still options available for parents in these situations, but it is undoubtedly more difficult than when parents take positive steps soon after separation to get things resolved.

You do not want to allow a status quo of little or no contact to develop, which can be very difficult to reverse further down the line.

Keep records – Keep records of any contact you have with the other parent about contact arrangements. These records can form an important chronology of events if you ever needed to go to court, and can demonstrate the efforts you made to ensure contact could take place smoothly.

Parenting plans – Separated parents often run into difficulties with child arrangements as they are made ‘ad hoc’, and so neither the parents nor kids are sure what may happen from one week to the next.

If your difficulties aren’t so much about having contact but about the regularity or nature of the arrangements, it may be worth spending some time working on a parenting plan.

The advantage of a parenting plan is that it can help parents to create arrangements that work for them and are sustainable. There are lots of draft parenting plans available online, such as this one from Cafcass: www.cafcass.gov.uk

Exploring the family justice system – For some parents, conflict is so high that there is very little chance that they will be able to make arrangements together without some form of outside support. So does this mean you have to go to court? Not necessarily.

Cases can take a long time to resolve, and in the meantime conflict can become entrenched.

Legal aid is now also only available in exceptional circumstances, so the process can get very expensive if you are using legal professionals. If you do need to go to court though, there are ways of managing your own case to keep control over the price; contact our support services if you need any help with this.

Trouble seeing your children divorced fathers
Don’t leave things too long

Courts expect parents to have attempted mediation before making a court application, so mediation is likely to be most parent’s point of engagement with the family justice system.

Mediation is where a trained mediator acts as a bridge between you and the other parent to help you make an agreement that works for both of you.

Mediation can be very effective, if both parents are willing to cooperate.

It can also be a much cheaper way of resolving differences than court, and legal aid is still available for some parents to access these services.  National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can provide you with more information about the process.

Remember your ABCs – Michael Robinson from the excellent Custody Minefield website (www.thecustodyminefield.co.uk) has an acronym that I think is ideal for separated parents:

A is for attitude, B is for behaviour, and C is for child-focussed. Attitude and behaviour are crucial, whether you are writing to your former partner, attending mediation or are in court.

If you are behaving in a way that is overly confrontational or aggressive, you are less likely to be taken seriously. You are also not going to be seen as focussed on the needs of your child.

The family justice system works on the principle that the best interests of the child must always come first. If you are unable to demonstrate that you actions are entirely motivated by what you believe will be best for your child, it is unlikely that you will be able to progress your case productively.

Take care of yourself – Finally, it is important to remember amongst all of this to look after yourself. You will not be able to do yourself or your child much good if you are not in the right place physically or mentally, and an important part of the process is managing your approach.

Exercise is often a useful way to relieve stress, as is spending time with friends and spending time on other interests and hobbies that you enjoy.

These tips are not intended to be comprehensive, but to make you think about how the manner in which you approach your situation early on can influence the outcome further down the line.

If you could benefit from further understanding or support or are having trouble seeing your children, please contact one of our support services as soon as you can: www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2

About Ross

Ross Jones has been Policy and Communications Manager at Families Need Fathers since 2011. Founded in 1974, Families Need Fathers is a registered UK charity which provides information and support to parents of either sex. grandparents and wider family members following divorce and separation. 

National Helpline on 0300 0300 363
(open 7am – midnight, 7 days a week)

 

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passive aggressive men

Divorcing Passive-Aggressive Men and Women

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating.

They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it.

They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform.

Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs.

They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions.

They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply.

They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements.

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He or she may “forget” about a visitation,

Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life.

The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course.

You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop.

Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did.

He or she may “forget” about a visitation, or pick up the kids late when you have a date. Having the pickup and drop off at a neutral location is prudent. One former couple has theirs at the paternal grandparents’ house, so his being late or forgetting is not an issue. The children have fun and the mother is not stressed.

Have a detailed Parenting Plan to lessen complications post-divorce when the passive-aggressive parent may try to get back at you through the children.

Have shared time clearly stated and clarify holiday arrangements. The passive-aggressive person sees themselves as the victim in life and you want to avoid this drama.

There are various online calendar sites where parents can mark activities and events so the kids’ schedules are available to both parents. This reduces accusations that the other parent was not informed of happenings in their youngsters’ lives.

When communicating with the passive-aggressive parent avoid emotions, particularly anger.

Ignore their subtle putdowns and just state the facts. Keep e-mails business like and to the point. Passive-aggressive people often have low self-esteem and may attempt to build themselves up by tearing you down.

Have someone available for the kids to talk with, because the other parent may be making mean “jokes” or offhand comments about you. The least interactions that you can have with this difficult ex-spouse, the better.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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separation advice

Separation Advice from Gingerbread

Published on
Separation Advice
Rebekah Barry
Information Manager at Gingerbread

As January typically sees a rise in couples taking the difficult decision to end their relationship,here is some vital separation advice from Gingerbread.

It can be a tough time and it brings a lot of change, especially when you have children.

With decisions to make and lots to organise it can be hard to work out what you need to do and when.

However, there are some things that should be a priority.

Housing

One of the most pressing practical issues is working out where you and your children are going to live.  This is always a tough decision to make and may indeed be the biggest change in your lives.

You maybe able to remain in your current home but if you cannot do this and need to leave and find somewhere else, our factsheet on “Housing Options for Single Parents” explains what’s possible depending on your circumstances, whether it’s social housing or getting support with the rent.

Deciding on arrangements for your children when it comes to your ex-partner is a vital part of the process, our factsheet Making Arrangements for your Children can help you sort out where your children will live, and when they spend time with each parent.

Your finances

How you’ll cope financially is usually one of the biggest worries after a separation, and thinking about how you’ll manage on your own can be daunting. For most single parents financial support is available, so make sure you get all the help you can for you and your family.

separation advice
Working out where you and your children are going to live

If you weren’t entitled to tax credits before, you may be now. You can use the Turn2us online benefit calculator to check what benefits and tax credits you’re entitled to, and you’ll need to let the tax credits helpline know that you’ve separated. You need to do this within a month. If your household income has gone down it’s likely that you’ll be entitled to more tax credits, so the sooner you let them know, the better.

You’ll also need to let the child benefit office know that you’ve separated – you can report this online through the gov.uk website.

Remember if you’re now the only adult in the household, let your local council know. You should get a discount on your council tax, and you might be eligible for a council tax reduction – contact your local council to find out.

If you’re renting, the council can also check whether you’re entitled to housing benefit to help towards your rent.

Do think about arranging child maintenance with your child’s other parent. All parents have a legal responsibility to support their child financially and it can make a real difference. 

Getting support for yourself and your children

It’s not all about the practicalities; separation is of course a time of huge emotional upheaval for you and your children.

You’re not alone. There is lots of support out there if you need it.

You might want to share your experiences and get support from friends or other single parents who have been through the same situation. Joining a support group can be helpful. 

There are organisations that can support you and give you practical suggestions on looking after yourself and coping with any emotional difficulties following a separation. Relate offers a wide range of online support, including a parent’s guide to separation. They also offer counselling services for both adults and children.

Deciding to separate is never an easy decision, but taking care of the practicalities, working out your next steps and knowing where you can turn for help if you need it can make things much easier.

 

Rebekah has been part of Gingerbread’s advice and information team for five years. She now specialises in creating Gingerbread’s online advice for single parents on anything from child maintenance to heading back to work.

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Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 1

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you are reading this, then chances are that this is your first Christmas as a divorced or separated parent and co-parenting, as it stands can be quite tricky at the best of times.

Here are some tips that will help in co-parenting over Christmas:

  • Make the arrangements together, i.e. you and your ex, whenever possible. Whatever plans you have for your little ones, let the other person know.  It makes it easier, not only you, but more importantly for the children because they will know what is happening when, where and how.  This gives them a sense of security.
  • You both can have a celebration with your children during the time that they are with you.  What do I mean by this?  Well, if the children are with you on Christmas day for example, it’s easy for you to do all the Christmasy stuff that you usually do or create your your own Christmas rituals if need be.  If, on the other hand, you are the parent who isn’t with the children on the 25th, then you can still do the Christmasy things.  I don’t think there are any Christmas police out there…yet:-)
  • Do respect the time that your ex has with the children.  That is their time and you will have  your time. Don’t call them every 5 minutes to make sure that all is well or ask how the children are doing as this may just cause a lot of unnecessary  frustration and bother for you both.
  • This is really not the time to introduce your new partner.  Holidays are usually emotional anyway, divorce increases that emotions then to add a new partner to the mix might work for you but not for your children.  Do chose another time.
  • Realise that they will miss the other parent and might actually be concerned about the parent “left behind”.  You might find that your children want to call mummy/daddy over the holidays for whatever reason and it’s good to realise that it’s not about you, but about them and their emotions.  Let them call.

Holidays are here to stay and so is your divorce – understand that, accept that and allow your children to have fun, relax and enjoy.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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forgive and forget

Can you Forgive and Forget?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So here’s the story…

My really good friend, Samantha (definitely not her real name) has been divorced for almost 7 years now but if you met her today, you would think it all happened 15 days ago. 

She goes on and on about her useless, lying, cheating ex-husband!

I don’t think Sam has one friend who has  not tried to encourage her to move on.  

“I have moved on!  Of course I’ve moved on!  Otherwise I wouldn’t be dating would I?”  She sings, “I have forgiven him but I will never, ever forget!”  That statement right there has become her line of defence, the  soundtrack to her life. 

In your own situation, have you been able to forgive and forget?

“I will forgive but I never forget” is one of those phrases that we use all the time.

Thing is such a phrase doesn’t actually mean anything.  So you can say what you like but the big question is this: At the end of the day do you have emotional closure?” Answer is no.  You see if you never forget it means that you keep remembering and when the memory hits you, your emotions are affected, especially when you are determined never to forget.

By not forgiving –

  • You have chosen to hold yourself hostage to your own past.  You have given up the power to not only create a new happy future but also surrendered the ability to enjoy the here and now.  No one else is doing this to you but you.  Like some once said, “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”  Try it and see.
  • forgive and forget
    “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

    While you continue on your unforgiving route, you carry other emotions that can be so pervasive that they consume you and affect the way you are with others including friends, partners and your children.   To be unforgiving brings in anger and resentment, emotions that affect your heart and your mind.  Thing is, if you really want to “teach” your ex a lesson then forgive him/her.  Like Oscar Wilde said  “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

  • Did you know that there are physiological benefits to forgiveness? Very briefly, here’s how:  when you carry a negative laden emotion such as being in the state of unforgiving (which carries other emotions such as anger and hurt), your body will continue to release such hormones as adrenaline and cortisol.  These will then affect both your immune and cardiovascular systems which can then make you vulnerable to illness and diseases. But when let go off those emotions then your body settles down and starts to return to self-regulation or self-healing.  What does forgiveness really mean?  Why is it so important to our wellbeing?  If you would like to know more watch Deepak Chopra’s video here on “How Does Forgiveness Heal” and read more here.

In the meantime, Sam’s ex has remarried, has a new family and has moved to a new city.  As for my dear friend any man who comes her way – “Not interested.  They are all the same” she sings.

Forgiving is not easy and maybe you need to learn how to forgive yourself first before you begin with anyone else.  Learn to forgive?  That’s freedom!  That’s a gift you give to yourself.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Co-Parenting – Are you the Toxic Parent?

Published on

Here’s an infographic showing toxic parent symptoms found in some co-parenting relationships soon after divorce and for a long time after.

To read the full article go to Soila Sindiyo – Huffington Post

Toxic ParentToxic ParentToxic Parent

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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