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guide to step-parents

A Divorced Parent’s Guide to Step-Parents

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Parents often do not realize what a step-parent’s role is and cast them into other unwanted ones.

Two step-parents resented their assigned positions of negotiator and grief counsellor.

Some step-parents said that they are a family friend to the children and not a go-between for the parents.

Trevor married a woman with children, who had gone through a contentious divorce.

Dealing with her ex was challenging and she admitted to being impatient and losing her cool. Her mild-mannered second husband was drafted to be the intermediary between these two warring parents. Trevor was the unofficial negotiator trying to find a middle ground for co-parenting.

When I saw him, Trevor was suffering from low back pain as a result of this stressful circumstance. He had heard that emotional issues could also affect the back, with not feeling supported correlating with low back pain. Using that as a wakeup call, we devised strategies on how Trevor would inform his wife and her ex that he was vacating the position of negotiator. His role was husband – to be supportive of his wife and to enjoy his step-kids without managing their co-parents.

blended families
A step-parent is a loving, but more neutral party for receiving confidences.

Trevor convinced the former couple to work with a mediator and this was an effective solution to an unhappy situation.

No matter how well your new spouse gets along with your former one – allow them to be friends and not enlist your new partner as a messenger.

Find a professional for the negotiator role.

Angus and Katharine, both divorced, met at a conference and the attraction was powerful.

They got married and both had children who did well in this blended family, although only Katharine’s daughter Kim lived with them.

Katharine tried to be on good terms with her ex and he was invited over on holidays and family events. Angus and Edward became good friends and had similar interests. Kim would say how lucky she was to have two such great dads. Later when Kim turned twenty-three, she was killed in an auto accident. Understandably, Katharine and Edward had breakdowns and kept thanking Angus for his support and called him a rock.

Angus was crying when he asked me why they do not get that he had a ball of hurt inside and is grieving too. We discussed having Angus explain his grief to the parents and suggest that they meet with a grief counsellor since he could not continue this role.

Parents, please understand that a step-parent loves a child and is broken up by her catastrophic illness or death. They have to deal with their own grief and cannot be forced to take on other people’s as well.

Step-parents are great for lowering tension when an angry teen is annoyed at both parents.

At times mine seemed like aliens and my step-mum shared stories from her youth. Seems like her mum and dad did crazy things like mine did.

A step-parent is a loving, but more neutral party for receiving confidences. Step-parents may love their new children with an intensity that surprises even them.

In several cases both dads walked the young women down the aisle in their marriage ceremonies. If things are spiralling out of control, a life or divorce coach can help people get their lives back on track.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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how to get a divorce

Divorce and Pre-Divorce Strategies

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

What is done during separation may not hold up for divorce proceedings.

Get everything in writing even when happily married, since people can change their minds or show their true colours at a later date.  This is particularly important if one’s parents are part of financial investments.

Kate married kind and thoughtful Edmund. Her parents gave her half of the price for their new home to use as their down payment. Edmund readily acknowledged that the parents owned half of the house. The mistake was not having the parents pay the financial institution directly and having their names put on the deed.

Years later Edmund became condescending and thought they ought to live as if in a permanent medieval festival.

He started dressing the part and eschewing modern conveniences. They parted ways and Edmund signed a separation agreement with one point admitting he owned twenty five percent of the home.

When it came time for a divorce, the separation agreement was not binding and Kate was forced to buy him out of his perceived fifty percent share, since there was no official record of the parental contribution.

She had opened a store and had to compensate Edmund for this enterprise as well.

pre-divorce strategies
Years later Edmund thought they ought to live as if in a permanent medieval festival.

Kate advises having a clean break and making sure that everything signed is final and one spouse cannot come back at a later date to try and get money out of the other one.

The one thing that made her divorce easier is that the children were in their early twenties and custody and co-parenting were not in the picture. She stated that their relationship with their father did not involve her.

Edmund wanted Kate to pay for the divorce, since she had initiated it.

In this situation, try to compromise with an angry spouse.  She obtained a fixed price from her solicitor for an uncontested divorce and got Edmund to go along and pay for half.

Kate felt Edmund turned into someone quite nasty and the divorce was a relief, even though she struggled financially.

Sometimes people change and therapy is effective when someone is willing to work on themselves and the marriage. Edmund claimed everything was Kate’s fault and she was glad to escape this situation.

Kate did not realize how stressed and burdened she was until her staff and customers commented how radiant she had become. She jokes that she feels so much lighter since she lost two hundred pounds (Edmund).

What kept Kate’s sanity was having the routine and distraction of her store. She advises even in tough times, having a focus on something else (like her business) helps one to get through divorce and move on. Having a job and promoting her business kept her mind and time occupied so she did not dwell on the past.

Accept what you cannot change (divorce settlement) and get on with life. She has written a book on quilting, does an online program and invents quilting patterns. Teaching classes has expanded her business and she picks fun places, such as an upcoming two day course she will be presenting in Germany.

Reframe how you perceive a situation. Is it the end or an exciting new beginning? Your choice.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Contact Center
/

Children of Divorce – Using a Contact Center

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Heather Brown Family Mediator Behavioural Mentor
Heather Brown
Family Mediator
Behavioural Mentor

Heather Brown, family mediator and behavioural mentor, speaks to us about contact centres.

For 7 years, Heather was manager of two contact centres and having had enquiries about contact centers in and around the UK, I couldn’t think of anyone better to ask about the services that are provided by these types of organisations.

Currently Heather works as a Family Mediator as well as a Managing Director and Behavioural Mentor with at risk teenagers with Present Future Solutions.

 

This interview carries so much information on the role and use of contact centers that I know for sure you or someone you know will greatly benefit from what Heather talks about.

Some of the questions answered are:

  • What role do contact centres or family contact centres play when it comes to co-parenting?
  • How can one find their nearest contact centre?
  • Once you find this contact center, can you self-refer or do you need a family court judge to do it for you, CAFCASS (Children and Families Court Advisory Services) or family lawyer?
  • Who pays for the service and how much is it?
  • Will I have to see my ex-partner at the contact centre? No, all arrivals and departures are staggered.

Heather goes on to talk about the different types of contact center services that there are and what they mean for each couple.  These are:

  • Supervised contact
  • Escorted or community contact
  • Handover
  • Supported contact

Heather makes it clear that contact centers are not only impartial but they also give support not only to the non-resident parent but to the resident parent too.  They are there as a short term solution to the current ongoing co-parenting problem.

If you’re looking for a contact center please contact the NACCC – National Association of Child Contact Centres

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Supervised Visitation

Speak Up for Supervised Visitation

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Trust your gut instinct when negotiating shared care.  If supervised visitation is warranted – then speak up.

Your child’s safety is paramount, especially when there is a narcissistic parent who is focused on themselves.

An eminent psychologist told me that narcissism was the main personality disorder that needs supervised visitation.

Janice was in an acrimonious court battle over the custody of their five-year-old.  The father would attempt to get at Janice through their daughter, such as buying the five year old inappropriate clothing geared more towards the exotic dancer profession.

The judge was at wits end saying the case was more about “he said, she said” which made getting at the truth difficult. Janice insisted that there should be supervised visitation, but that was not heeded. She ran out of money midway through the proceedings and was assigned an inexperienced legal defender after her solicitor stepped down.

Janice also expressed her fear of having the girl around her father’s construction business.

Little Ellie was a victim of parental alienation and would tell her mum that dad said she was a liar. In a quiet moment when she, Ellie and the cat were cuddling, Janice said this is what safety and truth is. Feel it in your heart. When something does not feel this way, it is an untruth.

supervised visitation
Janice also expressed her fear of having the girl around her father’s construction business.

Parental alienation started to fade after Ellie learned this technique. She later told her mum that dad said something bad about her, but she knew it was not true since it did not feel right in her heart.

Ellie had a premonition of her death. She confided in an adult family friend that she would not be here much longer. Janice had bought Ellie a look-alike American Girl doll for Christmas. The daughter asked if that was so she would have something that looked like her after she was gone.

Although Ellie’s talk of death was disturbing, the mother had stopped asking about having supervised visitation. Soon after, the father accidentally ran over Ellie with a bulldozer on the construction site.

He refused to take responsibility for the girl’s fatality and told the distraught mother that Ellie “had committed suicide.”

He insisted upon an open casket funeral and demanded that the undertaker patch up the body parts.

Janice has this advice to share with others.

Be the squeaky wheel that gets results – keep demanding supervised visitation when the co-parent is a narcissist. Narcissists are so focused on themselves and projected image, that they often do not pay much attention to others in their vicinity.

Narcissistic parents parade kids around their job sites to play the good daddy/mummy role and then may lose interest in them.

Another example is of two boys who confided that they were dumped in the doctors’ lounge for hours after their father marched them around the hospital to garner accolades for being a great parent.

Not paying attention to his daughter’s whereabouts cost Ellie her life.

In other cases, the narcissistic parent’s inattention to their kids, resulted in a concussion, broken bones and stitches.

These parents were too busy being in the limelight to do adequate childcare.

Janice does not know if listening to her daughter’s premonition regarding her death would have saved her, but feels that supervised visitation would have done so. Pay attention to your intuition if something does not feel right.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Dr Phil on Children of Divorce and their Parents

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I often watch and seek out videos that help in one way or other when it comes to issues around divorce and especially those around children and divorce.

Many have written on the effects of divorce on children and why children need both parents.

I have to say that if you read or watch just one thing around this topic please make it the video below by Dr Phil on children of divorce. It just really encapsulates what children of divorce need to make sure they do the best they can in their new life and chapter.

Children of divorce need as much help in coping with divorce. Many parents who are making it difficult for children to continue having a relationship with the other parent, either through parental alienation or by simply making it as difficult as possible for them to see one another, are often parenting from hurt, pain, anger and from a place of vengeance.

If this is you, realise that you may indeed be a toxic parent.

Children of divorce find themselves stuck in a situation chosen and created by parents. They are often confused, angry and lost.

The main and probably only people who can make it better for them are their parents.

If you are co-parenting with an angry ex or one who is uncooperative then sadly, it just means you’ve got more work to do in making sure your children’s fears and anxieties are contained. And if that container needs to be you then the best thing you can do is find and create your own support system that could include friends and extended family.

 

The children are picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda and they will resent you for that in the long run. You may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?  I promise you this will backlash on you and you will remember the day that I said that to you if things don’t change here.

Dr Phil

 

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divorced dads and their children

Divorced Dads and their Children

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I write this post a bit annoyed following an experience this week, where a certain person is denying the father of her daughter any type of contact because she felt that she, the daughter aged 5, needed time to get used to the divorce??

This is a statement that she kept repeating which frankly doesn’t make any sense because by keeping her away from her father, not only is she suffering yet another sudden loss in her life (aside from the break-up of her family) but another shock will be awaiting her when daddy, is then “reintroduced” in her life at a later stage.

Backstory: Dad left them, not for another woman, but he felt because he needed to.

It remains quite obvious that this lady was now parenting from hurt, anger and vengeance than from anywhere that would mean putting her daughter’s wellbeing first.

I’m annoyed that in this day and age, there are still children out there that have to watch helplessly as their relationship with their father is disrupted, interfered with or even permanently severed just because someone is angry, resentful and vengeful.

Yes, I know there are situations and circumstances where it’s better for a child not to be with his/her father just as there are situations and circumstances where a mother shouldn’t be in the children’s lives.

These are not the cases I am talking about here when I speak of divorced dads and their children.

The ones I’m talking about are those where choices are made by some parents to dismiss or interrupt the father-child relationship, with no real or valid reason except because the divorce has been acrimonious and emotions are running very high.

Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship. Your ex-partner didn’t turn into a monster of a father within 24 hours.

That your ex-partner, the mother of your children, is giving you hell each time you go round to see or pick up the children is not a good enough reason to stop seeing them just to keep the peace. Whose peace are you keeping? And while you’re keeping it, what happens to your children now and in the future? It doesn’t have to be this way, there are ways and means around this.

That you live in a far away country doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up good, in fact very good, communication with your children. Not with the likes of skype, viber and whatsapp – all free – to help you along the way. Of course it’s not the best way but if it’s the only way then why not use it as much as possible?

Denying your child their father or removing yourself from their lives is like slowly, gradually wiping away their opportunities to better chances in life.

When it comes to Divorced Dads and their Children did you know:

• In a longitudinal study, Flouri and Buchanan (2002-2004), found that a father’s involvement with his child before the age of seven was linked to a good parent-child relationship in both adolescence and into adulthood.

divorced dads and their children• Children who had a good relationship with their father were less likely to get into trouble with the police (same study).

• Children whose fathers were involved in their upbringing had a better chance of attaining higher educational qualifications than those who didn’t (same study)

• Another two-year study by J. Dunn et al., concluded that:”More frequent and more regular contact (which included communication by telephone) was associated with closer, more intense relationships with non-resident fathers (relationships that were both more positive and more conflicted), and fewer adjustment problems in the children.”

• Wallerstein et al. (2002) found that those children who’s fathers were involved tended to make faster progress in their cognitive and social development as they went about exploring the world together

• 5 year old children, followed over a 25 year period, who were closely involved with their fathers were found to be more “empathic as adults and were happier as husbands and as parents than those who had not experienced close relationships with their own fathers a quarter of a century earlier – M. E. Lamb (ed.) (1997) and in K. Pruett(2000)

• Daughters who, over several years, managed to have a good and loving relationship with their husbands, came from homes where they had a “healthy, loving relationship with their fathers as children” – J. S Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee (1995)

So as you go about your divorce and separation, as you go about creating your co-parenting plan, don’t do what has been done so many times before and still continues; don’t overlook or underestimate those afternoons spent in the park with daddy and those days spent just talking, playing and walking because it is these moments that will have a positive influence on your child in so many ways today and in his or her future life.

If you’re struggling with creating a parenting plan, do get in touch.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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//

Why Lying to Children of Divorce is a Time Bomb

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently spoke to a divorced dad friend of mine who lives in the States and whom I have known for over 20 years.

My discussion with him is what prompted this article because it was not the first time that I have come across lies we tell our children as we go through divorce.

He and his ex-wife divorced when their daughter was just turning 1 and from then on all contact with his child became a hellish journey comprised of last minute cancellations and changes in pre-arranged visitation dates and times as well as wasted journeys where he would be met with a no-show from ex-partner and child.

Well, one day he went over as planned and they were not home. It was the neighbour who informed him that the “the lady who lived there” had moved back to her country of origin which was in a very distant continent.

He had not been consulted, not been told and had no idea.

He eventually managed to track them down and in the last 10 years, has managed to see his daughter twice.

Last year, his now 14 year old daughter sent him an email asking if she could go live with him and his family. She explained that it was her mum’s suggestion as she had lost her job and home and was finding it difficult to look after her.

My friend and his current wife, were happy to have her, despite the fact that they too were and still are struggling financially.

So he replied to his daughter and told her this, adding that while they were making the necessary arrangements, her mother, his ex-partner, would need to write to the authorities concerned to inform them of the new arrangement so that the child maintenance cheques can stop.

Thing to understand here is that the State in which he lives does not mess about when it comes to child support. If you fail to pay a couple of times, they will come for you and you can explain the rest to the judge! So whether my friend liked it or not, child support was on thing he wasn’t about to play around with.

His daughter replied with the words, “What child support.  Mum told me you’ve never paid any child support.”

The truth is now beginning to unravel like a ball of wool. As is sometimes said, “today is the tomorrow you feared yesterday.”

Here is a child who will slowly, in one way or other, begin to understand that not everything her mum told her about her father is true.Divorce and the lies we tell our children

Forget about how this will affect the mother/daughter relationship and think about how this will affect the way this girl will begin to see her own life and the guilt she might feel for having resented or hated her father for so long for something he never did.

If her mother could lie about something so fundamental and so easy to prove untrue, what else could she have lied about to her daughter regarding her father?

My questions to you are the following:

What is the point of telling our children untruths about their other parent while going through a divorce?

How does that benefit them?

What is the point of alienating them from the other parent? Again, how does that benefit them? Do we not realise that one day, this child will grow up, that he/she will meet up with his/her alienated parent and the truth will come out?

Are we really that short-sighted?

Do we not realise that these children will grow and in time the truth will emerge?

Do we not understand that by lying to them, we are indeed planting a time bomb on our own relationship with them and when the “boom” happens, because it will, they, our children, will resent us for the longest time possible. Are we really that fatuous?

In my line of work, I have heard of lies much more serious and damaging than this.

As a parent, aren’t we supposed to make sure our children are alright no matter what that costs us?

Why do we lie to them about someone so significant in their life, someone whom they are part of?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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passive aggressive men

Divorcing Passive-Aggressive Men and Women

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating.

They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it.

They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform.

Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs.

They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions.

They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply.

They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements.

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He or she may “forget” about a visitation,

Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life.

The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course.

You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop.

Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did.

He or she may “forget” about a visitation, or pick up the kids late when you have a date. Having the pickup and drop off at a neutral location is prudent. One former couple has theirs at the paternal grandparents’ house, so his being late or forgetting is not an issue. The children have fun and the mother is not stressed.

Have a detailed Parenting Plan to lessen complications post-divorce when the passive-aggressive parent may try to get back at you through the children.

Have shared time clearly stated and clarify holiday arrangements. The passive-aggressive person sees themselves as the victim in life and you want to avoid this drama.

There are various online calendar sites where parents can mark activities and events so the kids’ schedules are available to both parents. This reduces accusations that the other parent was not informed of happenings in their youngsters’ lives.

When communicating with the passive-aggressive parent avoid emotions, particularly anger.

Ignore their subtle putdowns and just state the facts. Keep e-mails business like and to the point. Passive-aggressive people often have low self-esteem and may attempt to build themselves up by tearing you down.

Have someone available for the kids to talk with, because the other parent may be making mean “jokes” or offhand comments about you. The least interactions that you can have with this difficult ex-spouse, the better.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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divorcing a narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissit vs Divorcing a Sociopath

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Both the Narcissist and Sociopath (anti-social personality disorder) are toxic people who are difficult to deal with during divorce.

There are subtle differences between these two types of characters and what it means when divorcing a narcissist vs divorcing a sociopath.

The main point is a Narcissist craves attention and adoration. She has to be the star, whereas that is not the case with a Sociopath.

A Narcissist will specifically seek out publicity and a Sociopath wants power over others.

A Narcissist will have a position in a charity organization that is in the spotlight such as managing director. The Sociopath is more likely to be the one embezzling funds.

The Narcissist desires being in the news and the Sociopath is flying under the radar avoiding that in order to carry out nefarious deeds.

Sociopaths do not have a conscience and their moral code is “do not get caught.”

At a young age a Sociopath is apt to torture animals and torment those weaker than him. This child is charming to adults with exaggerated good manners as a smoke screen to disguise his true nature. They have a sense of entitlement and do not hesitate to trample upon anyone who gets in their way. Some of the financial executives who do inside trading and other illegal acts told the press that they did nothing wrong. In their eyes, this is correct.

divorcing a narcissist
Both manipulate others for their gain.

Both manipulate others for their gain. They blame others when they make mistakes or life is not going as planned. They can ignore family or belittle spouses. Narcissists especially do not like it if a spouse rises up the career ladder and has a more important position. They do not want to share the spotlight.

Sociopaths can have a volatile temper which is unpredictable and is especially scary for children.

Sociopaths may have their children join in their immoral or illegal activities. They watch pornography with their sons. Criminal families may bring the kids into the business at a young age. The youngsters participate in a shoplifting or burglary ring. In my area recently, three generations of several families were plying the drug trade together.

Narcissists use their kids as a way to garner more attention to themselves.

They play the good parent role and march the children around the office to get praise. They see the kids as an extension of themselves and may insist that their kids follow in their footsteps. A former dancer may demand that her daughter does ballet.

These parents want to bask in the admiration that surrounds their child. They want others to comment that the offspring is like their talented, beautiful, etc. parent.

In divorce, both personality disorders are capable of using the kids to get back at their other parent in retaliation. Since the Sociopath feels no remorse, they may be the more dangerous adversary.

Be cautious of safety issues especially with a sociopath co-parent. Neither are good at negotiating since they want the whole pie.

The Narcissists get through the divorce process better with lots of compliments and letting them feel like they are the star. With a Sociopath, emphasize maintenance and child support formulas to make it more impersonal. More drama and emotions can prolong divorce hearings. Having a divorce coach or therapist at least periodically check in with the children is prudent.

Both Narcissists and Sociopaths may act like they are the victim and you are the villain. They may charm your family members and end up with a few in their camp post-divorce. They are attempting to hurt you.

My sons and I have said good riddance to the ones who sided with their father. Sociopaths particularly excel in power plays and want to dominate others. Consider avoiding doing battle with these people and stay out of their way if possible.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorcing a Sociopath Husband

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Amy was married to a verbally abusive man, who hit her once in a blue moon.

He was cruel to their son and treated the daughter like a goddess. Jonathon told the girl that her mother lied and not to trust her.

He essentially built a wall around the daughter and orchestrated fights between the two children.

When the girl became a teenager, her mother said it was time to start doing chores. The dad forbade this, stating that she did not have to do her mother’s work.

It was as if Jonathon was the master puppeteer and his family were marionettes ready to do his bidding at the pull of a string.

Finally Amy reached her limit regarding Jonathon’s manipulations and said enough is enough. The children were thirteen and sixteen when she filed for divorce and Jonathon moved out of the marital home.

Jonathan’s parents revealed to Amy during the divorce that their son was a sociopath and had received treatment as a child.

Her in-laws were aloof during her marriage and she never felt accepted by them, possibly because they were different religions. Amy wondered if Jonathon married her to get back at his parents, for some reason. Her in-laws mainly approached her when they had questions regarding what their son said regarding money.

Amy had to be the one to initiate contact between her in-laws and her children during and post-divorce. She would take the siblings to see their grandparents who were cold and did not hug or show affection to them once their son was out of the picture. After several months of this, Amy stopped calling.

It was difficult for the kids to grasp the situation.

child-345523_640
His daughter bumped into him one time when she was with her toddler.

During divorce proceedings, Jonathon flitted from job to job to avoid paying child support. Amy certainly could have been more assertive by demanding that Jonathon have a set amount determined and letting Child Maintenance Service (CMS) deal with collecting it.

She was passive and did nothing when he said that he was giving her the house and that cancelled any child support obligations. The house was heavily mortgaged, so was more of a liability than an asset.

The father did not agree to any visitation schedule and promised the daughter an airline ticket so they could spend Christmas together. When that never materialized after repeated promises, then the daughter began the slow process of getting to know her mother.

The son never saw his father again, and the daughter did one time when she and her toddler ran into him at a park, over a decade later. The daughter became close to her mother after becoming a parent herself. The son drifted through life until age thirty-five when he went back to college and completed his degree.

Amy is now happily remarried and learned some life lessons along the way.

When in a marriage with a sociopath, Amy was in survival mode and could not stand up to him in order to have a better relationship with her daughter. Getting a divorce much earlier would have benefitted all.

She said that she did not realize how much her son had been struggling, since her focus was on her daughter. She recommends family therapy when coming out of an abusive marriage. Her son could have expressed his anger and gotten his life back on track sooner.

If a situation is not changing in spite of good intentions, put less energy into it.

She wanted her kids to have a link to their father, so she kept pushing the grandparents and kids together long after it was clear the grandparents had no interest.

Amy said to learn to accept that there is only so much one can do and that you cannot change others. You cannot force family members to love your children or desire a connection with them.

You cannot prevent kids from having hurt feelings, but modelling your resilience may help. Give unconditional love and be there for them. Again, Amy emphasized giving kids the opportunity to express feelings to a neutral third party can give them strategies to move on.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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married to a sociopath

Divorcing a Sociopath – Edith’s Story

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Edith was barely twenty when she married a man whom she discovered later was labelled a sociopath.

Max was handsome, charming and determined to have her hand in marriage. Little things did not add up right.

Max told conflicting stories and blamed work woes on others. Things happened to him and he was blameless, in his point of view.

Edith did not know Max that well, since they had such a brief courtship.

Max began to put Edith down in subtle ways at first. Then he focused on her insecurities and upped the belittling.

Since she was so young and inexperienced, Edith thought there was something wrong with her.

Edith’s family and friends noticed changes and her increasing unhappiness. Max’s parents were enablers and continued to excuse Max’s behaviours while Edith’s alarmed parents insisted that she meet with a counsellor to discuss her marriage.

After getting some professional help, Edith discovered that she had married a sociopath and decided to divorce him. She felt fortunate not to have had any children with Max, so ties could be completely severed.

Near the end of her divorce, a bank came after Edith for payment on a loan, since she was listed as a co-signer. She was flabbergasted since she had never been to that financial institution. Edith demanded to see the signature that was supposed to be hers.

Then he upped the belittling.
Then he upped the belittling.

The bank manager refused and Edith insisted that the police be called right then and there. He acquiesced and pulled out the paperwork.

Edith was livid and demonstrated that “her” signature was forged, by showing him the one on her driver’s license.

The bank manager still had an attitude until Edith asked how they could have a co-signer who did not show any identification.

She threatened to sue the bank if she ever heard from them again.

There were a few other bumps in the road during the divorce, but things were straightened out in the end.

Money seemed to be missing and Max baulked at paying alimony. Edith got maintenance for just a short period.

Today, Edith has had a long marriage with husband number two and has been blessed with children.

She told her kids not to get married so young and to date the person for more than a year and also advocates really getting to know their family before marriage. She says if something does not feel right, then listen to your intuition.

The second time around, Edith married a calm, stable man who did not feel the need to impress her. They are compatible with similar interests and values.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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should I get divorced
//

Should I get Divorced?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Should I get divorced?

For those of us who are divorced, it’s very likely that that question escaped your lips at some point or other.

Having been divorced twice and founding The Divorce Magazine, it is not unusual for people to ask me if they should remain in their current relationships or if they should leave and file for a divorce.

My answer is usually the same – it’s not a decision that I nor anyone else can make for you.

Having said this, I believe that you should do everything you can to try and make your marriage or relationship work.  Don’t leave any stone unturned, especially if you have children.

Thinking of couple therapy as a means to reconcile is one way of looking at it but in reality it can work both ways.  It can serve to help you and your partner work things through but it can also help you and/or your partner realise that leaving is what you really want and prepare you for this process.

So, please, before you file for divorce, here are some things that you may want to ask yourself or to consider:

  • Are you leaving due to anger and hurt?  If you are then you still have unfinished emotional issues that you will need to work through.  We very, very rarely think things through rationally when we are angry and hurt.  How can you deal with these feelings right now?  Simply by providing yourself with adequate and objective support – surround yourself with someone or people whom you can trust to keep you in mind and not play a part in fanning the flames of your anger.

One lady I know, whose husband cheated on her is still carrying the feelings of anger and betrayal 6/7 years later.  This then means that she makes it next to impossible for him to spend time with their son hence playing a role, inadvertently perhaps, of disrupting and interrupting a very dear part of her child’s life.

  • Do you still love your partner?  If so, then is this really the way you want to go right now?  Have you looked at all the options available to help you work things through?  In my work with children and families of divorce, I have come across couples who after a period of separation, have come to the realisation that they want to remain together. Have you considered this option?  What about couple’s therapy.
  • Are you unsure that this is the right way to go – do you have any doubts?  It has often been said that any doubt means
    Should I get a divorce
    Do you have any doubts

    no. Sometimes stepping back and looking at your marriage or relationship from a different perspective may help. Remember what your marriage was like when it worked?  Is what you are leaving over, worth the permanent breakup of your marriage or relationship?  What role are you or have you played in getting your relationship to where it is now? What “complaints” does your partner make about you?  Are they in any way legitimate?  Where are the origins of your doubt?

  • Are you ready to create a new way of life for you and your children?  Divorce and separation means that you no longer live with your partner.  Are you ready to get into a co-parenting relationship where your children share their time between two households in a way that will be conducive to your children’s wellbeing and development?
  • How would you feel when, not if,  your partner starts a new relationship?  Would you be ok with it or would you want to murder both of them preferably at the same time?  What would it mean for you to have your child be part of another person’s life?

A very dear friend of mine, who initiated their divorce once found herself literally hiding behind a bush, watching as her ex-husband, their son and new partner were having a picnic one summer.  It wasn’t that she wanted him back, it was that her son, her only child, was now part of another family unit.

Divorce can be hard.  So before you go down that route make sure you know all that you need to know.  Do your research, know all that you need to know.  Plan and prepare yourself legally for the divorce and for the tough emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies this process.

Don’t do it unless your sure.  Are you sure this is the way to go for you?  Only you can answer that question.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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